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„I don’t know how it all went wrong.”
Armie sighs. He feels like he’s been here before and he wonders if he’s ever going to get out of this never-ending circle.
„Sometimes I wish I’d never fallen in love with you. It’s nothing but pain. I just wish you would talk to me.”
He trains his patience and just listens, silent.
„Can we start again? Can we try? Please?”
He closes his eyes just for a moment. There is no anger left in him, but he needs to make sure. Then he takes her in his arms and says calmly and with as much compassion as possible:
„You know we can’t. It’s gonna get better, I promise. We have wonderful children that will never let us regret anything, you know that.”
She wraps her arms around him, pushes her face into his chest. Her hands stroke his neck, she lifts her head to reach his chin, which she kisses lightly. He lets her.
„I don’t believe it. I can’t.” She whispers as she moves upwards with her kisses, reaching his lips. He pulls away slightly and it sparks her rage instantly, like flipping a switch.
„Okay, I get it. You’re gay now.” She laughs bitterly, mockery in her voice, even though there are tears in her eyes.
„Please, don’t do this, Elizabeth.” He maintains his composure. Now he knows it was all a ruse, she wants something from him.
„Just ask. Just say it.” He hopes his resignation will disarm her.
She carefully wipes her tears away so she wouldn’t ruin her make-up and smiles at him knowing she’s going to get what she wants.
_______
London is so fucking lonely. He hates to admit that, but this awful feeling never leaves him. He wakes up with dread already planted in his stomach. He walks the streets with his head as low as possible.
The prep for The King stresses him immensely, he regrets taking up this role every minute of every day now. It is too big of a challenge, the material, the tasks. He might have been too self-assured when he agreed to do this.
It seems this is his downfall altogether. He was too cocky with Armie as well. In that single unforgettable moment when he eye-fucked Armie and made him come without even touching him and saw him losing control, something shifted inside him, he felt different. Suddenly, he felt powerful and he started seeking that kind of dominance over Armie from this point on. He was enjoying pulling all the strings, having him under his mercy, always testing the lines, taking it a little further and further each time. The rush of it was a drug on its own.
Maybe that is why Armie cut him off, to give him the real detox he asked for.
Because if he is lost and longing and insatiated now, he’s the only one to blame. He asked for this himself, even though he never really wanted it. And only now he knows he asked for time because he was afraid. He fooled himself it was because he got scared to be consumed by this passion but that is something he would never be scared of, on the contrary, it’s something he’s striving for. He got scared because it was starting to feel serious and legitimate and Armie was getting a divorce for him. He was changing and risking his whole life for him. Nobody has ever done that for him before.
And the scariest part was he wasn’t sure if he could do the same.
The whirlwind of work, the stress of it does him good, lets him escape a little from feeling disappointed in himself. Plus when he’s busy, his brain isn’t flooded by the images of Armie moaning his name, looking at him with nothing but love.
But when he comes back to his hotel room, well, that’s another story. He’s left to his thoughts and they are going in one direction only.
He looks at his bed and instantly imagines what would Armie do to him in that bed.
Would he throw him on it, kiss and lick his chest and nipples? His huge hands would cover his skin with burning hot caresses, the weight of his body would make him moan and beg. And then he would envelope his lips around his cock and suck him to the brink of an orgasm just to flip him around, put him on all fours and fuck him senseless.
Or maybe he would sit there, naked, legs spread wide, waiting for Tim to kneel in front of him and take his dick into his mouth, lick him like a lollipop, long and slow, while looking into his eyes. Tim has never done this, so the picture of swallowing Armie’s entire cock, deep in his throat, drinking him in is all it requires for him to come into his hand.
He groans and opens his eyes, weirdly unsatisfied and undone. He has just become full aware of the frustration he’s about to live with for a while. Because jerking off doesn’t cut it, that’s obvious. But he also sees clearly now that sex isn’t enough anymore, it’s just a way to communicate the feeling that fills him up, bubbling inside of him, alive and ever-changing like an entirely separate being. Sometimes it’s calm and cozy, it feels like sipping hot chocolate under a blanket on a cold winter evening, looking into flames in the fireplace that are spreading warmth onto your cheeks. And other times it’s a storm in the middle of the ocean with gigantic waves of a passion that cannot be quenched, cannot be overcome, so all you can do is just stop struggling, let go and be taken by it, surrender completely.
That’s what Armie did, isn’t it? He gave in fully to what he was feeling for Tim, he yielded to him totally. And all Timmy did was taking advantage of this wilful capitulation. He took that power and used it unwisely, to propel his own desires and run away from his own fears and he did it all without a single thought given.
He should have reciprocated the gift he received. He should have cherished being given that power by simply never taking it. He should have surrendered too.
Maybe this is the avowal Armie is waiting for?
He exhales slowly, thinking how to phrase his thoughts to Armie to make it clear, once and for all, that he’s ready, that he is giving himself up, that he is not afraid anymore.
He takes his phone out and is about to call Armie but there are missed calls and messages from Pauline.
Pauline: Have you seen THIS?!
Pauline: I thought you said they’re getting a divorce?
Pauline: Timmy, are you getting played by this asshole? What is going on?!
Pauline: FUCK. I checked their instagrams and it’s a fucking love-fest.
Pauline: Call me the fuck now.
He clicks the link and his heart drops to his stomach.