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It doesn’t even take one full signal for Armie to pick up.
„What the fuck, Armie?”
His heart flutters and he’s cheery already, even though Tim sounds angry. He hasn’t felt this alive for days.
„I was about to call you..”
Timmy stops him mid-sentence.
„Well, too fucking late. You must have been pretty slow at it.”
He smiles in spite of Tim’s tone.
„It’s so good to hear your voice. I miss you so bad, Tim.”
„Armie, start talking or I’m hanging up, I’m serious.”
He can hear it in Tim’s voice, just a hint of something other than frustration and he holds onto it.
„She asked me to do this for her. It’s about her business, she needs as much publicity right now as possible, because she’s eyeing this big contract and they need her to have more visibility. Long story short, she needs me for another couple of months.”
There’s a sigh followed by silence.
„Tim? You didn’t think I went back to her, did you?”
„I don’t know what to think, Armie. What am I supposed to think? You either hurt me or cut me off.”
„Or I cling to you like you are life itself, you failed to mention.”
He hears a little snort of laughter and knows he has already won him over.
„So. Are you ready yet?” he asks jokingly but Timmy surely hears the heaviness of hope underlining the lighter tone.
„Armie.” He sighs. It feels like a prayer. The melody of his voice makes it sound like the first word of a very good book, a whole story.
„Do you remember that evening when it rained all day and Luca was so frustrated, because we couldn’t film a thing and we went to smoke a joint on the porch?”
And a story it is.
Armie thinks for a second, trying to place that memory.
„Yes, why?”
„We were standing there, it was a little cold, the rain was splashing onto our feet. We were just talking and it felt like we did that for a lifetime. I remember thinking that I should have been panicking, because it felt too good. And then there was a moment. Just this tiny little split of a second when I thought I saw something in your eyes.”
Armie feels like the word lifetime is now coursing through his veins, spreading sweetness to his cells.
„We stopped talking. It was so peaceful. You looked at me. I don’t know, I just felt like there was only us and I was all you could see. You looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the world.”
Funny, because Armie is pretty sure he looked at Timmy like that the whole time in Crema and forever since.
„You were. And you are.”
„No, that’s not the end of this story, Armie. Because you took a long drag, looked into the distance and said, and I quote precisely, Nights like this I miss Elizabeth more than usual.”
Armie’s heart stops for a long beat. How much wrongness Tim had to endure from him through all of this, if it started so early on?
„Oh, Tim.” he tries to apologise, but gets cut off.
„Is it always going to be like this?”
It’s so gut-wrenching to hear sadness in that beautiful voice.
„Like what?”
„Like you will give me this glimpse, a little taste of some kind of treasure and then, when I find the courage to reach for it, you slap my hand and hurt me? Shove your marriage in my face just to remind me how horrible person I am to take it from you? No wonder I am so scared of this. Of you.”
Armie closes his eyes in attempt not to give in to frustration that he isn’t there, by his side, where he’s supposed to be.
„Tim. No, it’s not going to be like this. I gave it to her, because it’s meaningless in the grander scheme of things. If it means she will let me go and agree to share the custody, then I don’t care how many photos and PR stints she requires of me. She has an upper hand and that’s the truth, I have to comply.”
He pauses for a second, waiting for Timmy to digest it. There is no response.
„Don't you see? Whatever she does, whatever tricks she tries, all she manages to achieve is bringing us closer. We weren’t supposed to be talking right now and yet, because of her, we are.”
He wishes he could caress him.
„What tricks?” Tim doesn’t seem to be fully mollified just yet, but Armie smiles at this hint of jealousy.
„It doesn’t matter. She needs to do this, she needs to try. It might not be over for her just yet, the fight, even if she knows that it is done and gone for me.”
Armie can’t help thinking how good it feels to finally talk to Tim, it seems like such a giant step, a small victory in their private little world.
„I don’t know, Armie. It’s not meaningless to me. I want it to be clear and clean, I think.” It’s visible that Timmy is forming his thought as they come to him, there is hesitance and consideration in his voice. This endearing seriousness that Armie usually adores now feels almost menacing.
„What do you mean?”
„Well, how do you envision it, Armie? We are going to hook up in the shadows while you’re happily married in the eyes of the world?”
That’s pretty much how he imagined it for the time being.
Timmy takes his silence as a yes.
„Well, I don’t think I can live like this. Lead this double life.”
And this is exactly why he loves Tim so much. So painfully ironic.
„What do you propose, Tim? What are you saying?”
„I don’t know, what I’m saying, Armie. Maybe we should wait for your divorce, have a clean start, try to have this thing without all this weight of shit that is dragging us down.”
„Tim. There is always going to be this baggage. She’s the mother of my children, she will always be present, there is no escape from this. It’s only for a little while, I promise.”
Somewhere deep in his heart he understands Timmy’s plea, but at the same time he knows he’s well beyond reason, time for making sense has passed so long ago he doesn't even remember it.
„If it’s only for a little while then all the more reason to wait it out. I don’t want this to be a dirty little secret, Armie. It diminishes it. It makes it ugly.”
Can he really disagree with this?
„Maybe you’re right. But on the other hand, is this really better? I have been fucking miserable. It’s not even a half-life that I’m living right now, while all I want is to stand on that porch and see nothing but you.”
Timmy is silent, so Armie tries to appeal to him one last time.
„Has Call Me By Your Name taught us nothing, Tim? I love you. I have loved you since the day I met you. I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to waste any more time, not even a day.”
Armie hears his heart beating, jumping from his chest, as if to reach over to Tim through the ocean, through the miles.
Timmy finally speaks after a long sigh, his voice brighter:
„Then come and get me.”