Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The garden was full of many places he could take refuge in. Even with all the Servants wandering around, there were still plenty of spots for Sieg to go where no one else was loitering. Leaning against a section of a crumbling stone wall that had yet to succumb to time, Sieg slowly slid to the ground, sitting amongst the flowers. It was odd. Before, he had disliked the night, when he was left alone to his thoughts beneath the moon. Now, it was the days that troubled him. Or rather, the moments like these, when he could not distract himself with other things.

Maybe it was childish, to avoid him like this. But it was less uncomfortable than the alternative. Seeing him with that familiar smile, hearing that familiar voice… It filled Sieg with a feeling he couldn’t entirely understand.

Logically, he knew that the Rider here was not the Rider he knew. Every Servant here was a copy that had developed its own identity, but they were separate from any other incarnation. Even so, to be spoken to by Rider as if he were a stranger made Sieg feel empty inside. The reality of the situation couldn’t change that. And so, Sieg had opted to avoid speaking to him at all.

The presence of Gudao had helped. A person whom he could rely on for assistance, an ear willing to lend itself to him, a source of distraction from the others. Listening to his stories filled Sieg with a sense of wistfulness he rarely felt, leaving him dreamy. The adventures he had gone on, the people he had met along the way… Even with all the peril, there was something about it that left Sieg longing. He had had his own adventure, certainly, but he was not sure if he could consider it one in the same way that Gudao’s had been. He had saved humanity in his own world, but it had come about much more suddenly than most would expect it.

Hearing about dozens of Heroic Spirits coming and living and working together, all on the same side, all for the same purpose, was a strangely alluring thought. The Black and Red factions were the closest thing he could imagine, beyond the small group of resistance he, Rider, Ruler and the others had formed, but all of that paled in comparison to what Gudao described. Sieg would have loved to listen to it for hours, but the others had need of them, and rarely at the same time, so still he often found himself left alone with his thoughts.

Of course, dealing with the enemy Servants was also a distraction, but the downtime between their attacks still left him with too much time on his hands.

Avoiding Rider was like staying inside on a sunny day. No matter how hard he tried to focus on anything else, he could not help glancing out the window and longing to take a break and step outside. It was nearly impossible to ignore him. Rider was simply a magnetic person. Wherever he set foot, the world realigned itself, putting him at the center stage. Loud, colorful, cheerful, kind… There was no way for Sieg not to acknowledge his presence… and yet it was the most logical course of action.

Gazing up at the sky, he wondered again how long he had really been in that place, and how much longer this place would exist. When it was done, would he return to the other side? To continue waiting? That was his plan, of course, but that distant dream felt even more distant now- made blurry by the static of interaction.

He had not felt like this before. Surrounded by so many others that he relied on. Even though he wanted to go back, even though he knew he must wait, there was a part of him that…

“Oh! I didn’t think anyone was over here!” A chipper voice sounded from beside him, and Sieg was jolted from his thoughts, his head hitting against the stone wall. Involuntarily, he let out a groan, wincing. “Ah-! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you! Are you okay?”

Rider was already by his side before he could do anything to stop him. Immediately, the distance Sieg had so carefully built between them was plowed right through, Rider’s careless obliviousness leaving him at a loss for words.

He wasn’t the same Rider, Sieg told himself, as he staring into his violet eyes, his apologetic smile. He wasn’t the same, but everything else was identical, and it hurt.

“Are you alright?” Rider asked again, crouching down even more. “Did you hit your head so hard you forgot how to talk?!” He sounded alarmed, and Sieg shook his head.

“I’m fine, you don’t need to worry… You just startled me, that’s all.” He said calmly, rubbing the back of his head. It felt tender, but he knew it would heal.

Rider smiled warmly, looking relieved. Something in the pit of Sieg’s stomach felt tight. A moment of silence stretched between them, Rider blinking almost expectantly, as if waiting for him to say something else.

“Is… Is there something that you needed?” Sieg asked, remembering himself. He was something of a host in this place, so if Rider had sought him out, perhaps something was happening with the others… He couldn’t hear any chaos, though. The garden remained peaceful, the only sounds that of the birds in the trees and the breeze in the grass.

“Nope! I was just exploring, looking for something to do. Everyone else is busy and paired off, and it was boring just watching them all, so I decided to take a look around!” Rider grinned, rising back to his feet. A part of Sieg hoped that this meant he was about to leave. Another part of him dreaded it. “This place is really beautiful! You chose a good spot to use as your base!” Rider continued, looking around at the ruins. Nearly everything was in a state of crumbling, but somehow it made it feel all the more peaceful.

“I’m glad you like it.” Sieg said, a smile pulling gently at his lips. Rider smiled again.

“Ah! How rude of me! All this time we’ve both been here, and I haven’t even properly introduced myself! I’m Astolfo, one of the twelve Paladins of Charlemagne! It’s a pleasure to meet you, and to be in your service!” Rider bowed, pink braid bouncing over his shoulder. His head popped back up, smiling so kindly, greeting him like a friendly stranger- everything Sieg had been wanting to avoid.

Even so, he forced himself to respond.

“Yes, I’m familiar with your story… My name is Sieg. I was in possession of the Greater Grail, but it has been having issues lately.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Sieg! Even though we technically already met! I hope that we can have fun working together, even if it’s only temporary!” Rider chirped.

“Yes… I hope so too.” Sieg nodded. It shouldn’t have been so hard. He knew in his head that the Servants here were not the ones he knew. Each time they were summoned from the Grail, they were a clean slate, only containing the memories of their own lifetime… and this place was merely a simulation, so there was no way for Rider to ever recall him. That was how things were, and he knew that, but still his heart refused to calm itself. It was saddened. All that time spent in the Reverse Side, sleeping and fighting, waiting, and somehow it had not occurred to him just how much he had missed the people that he knew.

Saying goodbye to Rider had not been easy, but he had been able to do it, knowing that Rider could go on doing what he loved. He had been at peace with the knowledge that they would likely never meet again, as long as he knew that Rider would be happy. Yet now, as he stood before him, Sieg felt bitterly just how much he had missed his presence, his voice, his everything.

“So, why are you sitting here by yourself?” Rider asked. Sieg tried to think of an answer.

“I just wanted a bit of alone time.” He admitted. It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“I see! I guess I’m intruding then, huh? Sorry about that! I can be on my way if you’d like! You did look really peaceful sitting here in the flowers, so I should have known you were enjoying yourself. You just looked so serious, I was worried you might be thinking about something sad.” Rider began to babble, a slight pink coloring his cheeks, as he realized the awkwardness of the situation. He had always been like this, lacking in awareness until it was already too late. Sieg couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s fine. Thank you for your concern. I’m alright, though, so you don’t need to worry.” He assured Rider.

“Sorry,” Rider giggled, still looking embarrassed. “I guess I should go now, then.” He said, but there was hesitancy in his voice. Sieg frowned.

“You… don’t have to.” He found himself saying. “You’re free to go wherever you want here. Don’t let me stop you from exploring.”

Immediately, Rider’s face brightened, and a nostalgic feeling tugged within Sieg’s chest. It didn’t take that much to make him happy, did it?

Pushing himself up from the ground, Sieg’s sword shifted against his leg, falling back to its usual position. There was no point in sitting around then, if Rider had found his way here anyway.

“Ah, are you leaving…?” Rider asked, his face falling slightly. A part of Sieg had to wonder why he cared.

“No… I just wanted to stretch my legs.” He said. “You must be pretty bored, if you’re worried about me heading off.” He smiled softly, and Rider laughed.

“No, it’s not that. I just wanted to spend some time with you.” He smiled back, his expression gentle. “I don’t know what it is, but you feel familiar somehow.”

Those words tugged at his heartstrings, hard enough that they nearly snapped. Rider’s eyes had a distant, melancholy look in them, as if he were trying to remember something from a long forgotten dream.

“I know it’s silly, but it’s a nice feeling, so I’d like to spend some more time with you, if you’re okay with that.” Rider cocked his head to the side, flashing him a grin. Sieg was at a loss for how to respond. His mind and heart were pushed up against each other, trying to put sense to Rider’s words. It wasn’t possible. He knew that. This wasn’t the Rider he knew. His heart was merely being fooled by the similarities, by what he wanted to hear.

Rider needed a response, Sieg realized, but he was stuck. Did he want the pain of spending time with him, or the pain of sending him away? He opened his mouth, hoping something would come out, but Rider beat him to it.

“My sword…” He said, suddenly, eyes fixed on the weapon at Sieg’s side. “Why do you… have that?” Rider asked, his voice trailing off in a dazed sort of confusion. Sieg stiffened. Keeping the sword out in the open like this for anyone to see… he hadn’t thought twice about it. It had been attached at his hip for so long, it was almost an extension of himself…

“It’s… a replica-” Sieg started, but Rider had already grabbed it, turning the sheath over in his hands, before pulling the blade out to examine it. Sieg’s heart was hammering. He wasn’t sure what he expected to happen next, but Rider merely smiled as he looked up from it.

“This is my sword, isn’t it? Where did you get this? I don’t remember there being two.” He was unfazed, unbothered, but Sieg could feel something inside of him shriveling, a sadness he couldn’t understand.

“I… took it, from one of the clones, before they vanished…” He lied, his voice strained. Of course he hadn’t. He could never. He was almost used to it now, the endless copies, but taking down him… it was hard, even now. That he could loot him on top of that was unthinkable.

“Hehe, you’re a resourceful one!” Rider giggled, a playful look in his eyes. “But that’s pretty mean of you, y’know! You should be a bit more respectful, Master-”

Astolfo’s face froze mid-sentence, as a look of confusion filled his eyes. Something in Sieg froze as well. Astolfo stared at him, a though he were trying to process something beyond his comprehension.

“... I know you.” He said, staring at Sieg. Sieg felt his resolve begin to waver.

It wasn’t possible. The Servants were only clones. Even if they had begun to develop their own senses of self, they were different from the Servants from that war… this Rider was not the one who had saved Sieg, the one had had contracted. He was just a replica. And yet. And yet.

“That sword… I gave it to you, didn’t I?” Astolfo asked, almost dreamily. “To protect yourself, right?”

“How do you remember that?” Sieg asked, before he could stop himself, before he could think.

“I… don’t know.” Astolfo frowned slightly, his little brow furrowing. “I haven’t seen you before I came to my senses here, but for some reason, I know I’ve met you before. I could feel it. And that sword… I definitely gave it to you, I know it.” He nodded, sure of himself. Sieg felt his eyes watering, his throat tight.

Part of him felt fear. Horror. The Servants he had fought before, killed over and over again, had they all… were they all like this? Did they remember him? Had he killed Rider, his Rider? The thought was enough to shock him. And yet.

And yet. A part of him quivered with hope.

Astolfo held the sword out to Sieg, the warmest smile he’d ever seen on his face.

“You kept it.” He said softly, as Sieg took a hold of the sheath, the two of them holding it together for a moment. Tears beaded in Sieg’s eyes.

“It’s never left my side.” He said quietly. Regardless of his form, it was always there- a reminder of the one who had given him a chance at freedom, a chance at life. The one who had granted his wish and saved him, just because he could. Rider of Black, the Paladin of Charlemagne, Astolfo.

“I’m glad!” Astolfo laughed, his own eyes beginning to waver. “I-I don’t know why, but suddenly I… I feel like crying.” A few tears began to slip down his cheeks. He reached to wipe them away with his free hand, but more spilled over, and he continued to laugh. “I… I feel like we weren’t going to see each other again. But now you’re here, and I… I’m so happy! I don’t know why, but I’m just so happy, Sieg…”

Seeing Rider cry, Sieg could no longer hold back his own tears. He let them slide down his face, as his feet carried him forward, acting on their own accord.

He had held back for so long. Refusing to let himself draw close to a copy, and project his loneliness and longing onto someone who just happened to look like a person he missed so dearly. But he was here now. Somehow. Sieg didn’t understand, but he supposed there were many things that were still beyond him.

He touched Astolfo’s face, feeling it against his palm. How long had it been since they had parted ways? Ten years? One hundred? Time had felt infinite and meaningless, all at the same time, but standing here now he could feel the weight of it crashing upon him before slipping away with their tears. They felt hot against his face, and Astolfo’s skin felt warm beneath his hand.

“I missed you.” He said, as he pulled Astolfo in, hugging him close. Astolfo did not hesitate to return the gesture, sobbing happily. “I didn’t know if we would ever meet again.”

“I didn’t know how much I missed you until now…” Astolfo hiccuped, nuzzling his head against Sieg. “Well, I knew I was missing something , but I didn’t realize it was you until just now.”

All thoughts of asking Astolfo how he remembered, how he knew, had vanished for now. The Grail, the war, everything- it could wait. For now, Sieg held Astolfo close, tears dripping down his smiling face. His dear friend was by his side again, and in this moment, that was all that could matter.

Chapter Text

The sun was starting to rise outside. Sieg could see the light filtering in through the window. The night was ending, but they had only just gone to bed.

Sleep wasn’t necessary, but somehow, it felt important right now. Maybe it was just nostalgia. That didn’t keep him from wanting the feeling though, of the soft mattress beneath him and the light covers above him, and a familiar face by his side.

Astolfo still had no sense of personal space. It had never really bothered Sieg in the past, and now he was just happy to see that that hadn’t changed. Rider kicked off his boots and the uncomfortable parts of his armor, hopping into bed with enough force to make Sieg bounce up a bit.

“It’s so strange to see you as a Servant.” He said, lying on his stomach with his head rested on a pillow, gazing at Sieg happily. “I guess you were kind of a Servant before, but only halfway. Now you’re like a genuine Heroic Spirit!” He beamed proudly, and Sieg felt himself blushing slightly.

“It’s nothing that exciting… And I don’t know if I would consider myself a proper Servant even now.” He was a terminal for his true form, now, but the power levels were close enough to a Servant’s, he supposed.

“It is exciting! It’s super exciting! If you’re a Heroic Spirit then that means the world has remembered you!” Astolfo exclaimed, kicking his legs up and down restlessly. “But I’m surprised that you’re a Caster of all things- I thought for sure you would be a Saber.” He giggled. Sieg smiled fondly.

“Remembered by the world…” He murmured. It was a comforting thought in many ways. “Is that how you remembered me?” He asked, looking at Rider seriously. He had been wondering ever since the initial euphoria of their reunion had started to wear off, but thanks to the ongoing battles, he hadn’t been able to devote much time to the thought.

Logically, it made no sense for Astolfo to remember him. Servants surpassed logic all the time, but even something like this didn’t seem like it could be possible.

“Mmmm… I dunno!” Astolfo shrugged, after pondering it for a good second or two. “It’s sort of like… When I saw you, something that was blocked off in my memories suddenly clicked, and got unblocked.”

“But… You shouldn’t have had those memories to begin with, right?” Sieg frowned. As far as he knew, when a Servant returned to the throne of heroes, they didn’t retain any memories from the war they were in… but Astolfo had never returned to the throne. He was still alive, as far as Sieg knew. So again, how…

“Who cares about shouldn’t?” Astolfo smiled, cocking his head to the side. “You’re important to me, so I remembered you. Simple as that!” He flashed a grin. Sieg was still uncertain, but nonetheless, Astolfo still managed to put him at ease. “Maybe the me in your world sent his memories back to the throne, so if he ever got summoned again, he’d remember you. Or maybe when you flew away with the Grail, some of your own memories got inside. Either way, I remember meeting you and being your Servant, so that’s all that matters.”

“Right.” Sieg smiled a bit. Astolfo always managed to make things seem simpler- and when he couldn’t, he made the complicated seem more inconsequential. He was a special person like that. Sieg relaxed against the mattress, as Astolfo scooted closer, until their foreheads were touching.

Sieg closed his eyes, the warmth of contact making him feel even more at ease. He remembered those nights, waking up in a cold daze, nightmares of his test tube and the fates of his siblings still flashing in his mind’s eye- only to be tugged back to reality by the Servant snuggled beneath the blankets, holding onto him like a stuffed animal. When things got overwhelming, Astolfo had been there, to ease his fears and relax his mind. That hadn’t changed. When he thought about it, not much had. Not in terms of their relationship, anyway.

Rider isn’t my Servant anymore, though. There’s no contract between us. We are both Heroic Spirits now. We’re both… equals.

He felt warm, his smile not fading. Yes. Now, he was finally at the same place as Astolfo. As Siegfried and Chiron. As Ruler… yes. Even if he still had much to learn about things, he had come far. She wouldn’t want him to sell himself short any more than Astolfo would.

Astolfo snuggled against Sieg, a blissful smile on his sleepy face.

“Tell me about the Reverse Side of the world…” He yawned. “What’s it like there? Is it nice?”

“Yes… it’s beautiful there. There are fields of flowers that never end. Sometimes it’s peaceful, and I can nap for ages, and other times phantasmal beasts will try and seize the Grail, so I have to fight them off. So… I manage to keep busy. But time doesn’t really pass there, so it can all feel a bit tiring after awhile.”

“Do you ever explore it?” Astolfo asked.

“Well… No, not much. I can’t stray far from the Grail, and a dragon flying with something like that is bound to draw lots of attention, or even create some anomalies. It’s safer for me to stay in one place. So… it gets a bit boring, when there’s nothing to fight.” Sieg admitted. Boring, and lonely. He rolled onto his back, which Astolfo took for an invitation to roll over as well, his shoulders resting atop his arm.

“That’s too bad… I was hoping you could have some fun up there…” He sighed, distraught. “I know it was your choice and all, but I can’t help but feel sad when I think about it to much. You up there all alone, with nothing to do but sleep and fight… Even if it’s pretty, it must be lonely.”

“Ah…” Sieg couldn’t help it. He was surprised Astolfo had caught the drift of his thoughts so easily. “It’s not so bad,” He said, trying to remind himself of the future. Someday, Ruler would be there. She would arrive, and he wouldn’t be lonely again. Except, he wasn’t lonely now. “Ever since I got here, things have been nice.” He confessed. Astolfo looked at him happily.

“You’ve seemed happy! Happier than I think I ever saw you.” His gaze was soft, genuinely happy as he snuggled into him.

“I’ve been enjoying this time, here.” Sieg continued, Astolfo’s warmth and weight pleasant against him. “Getting to know Gudao and hear his stories… getting to learn from Chiron, and increase my skills… meeting other Servants properly, being able to talk to them and fight alongside them, making meals and knowing there will be others here when I wake up… Being a part of a group like this is nice.”

“Isn’t it?” Astolfo smiled. “That’s how I felt with the paladins. Even though I liked to go off on my own and explore, it always made me feel happy knowing I had lots of people to come home to when I decided I was done with traveling. My uncle, my cousin, my friends… I would come back from my adventures and they would all scold me for being gone for so long, but then we’d all laugh and have a big meal, and tell each other all about the things that had happened while we were apart!” Astolfo recalled brightly.

“That sounds wonderful.” Sieg said, and in his mind he could see it, Astolfo landing dramatically on his hippogriff and bursting into a castle with cheerful greetings, only to be met with nagging, before his happiness melted away their annoyance and they could all share a reunion. However, when he imagined it, he found himself filling in the people Astolfo had mentioned with the people here- Achilles and Mordred giving him a hard time for getting home late, Chiron chuckling warmly as Gudao and Fran tried to get them to calm down, Jack tugging at Astolfo and asking if he’d brought anything back for her; Sieg bringing out a meal for them all to share, all of them sitting around the table and catching up...

“It is a nice feeling.” Sieg nodded, a strange longing tugging at his heart. “It’s just a bit odd. A lot of these people were our enemies before, but now they feel more like friends. I feel like I should have stronger feelings about it, but all in all I just feel happy.” He couldn’t help but smile fondly.

“Making friends is a wonderful feeling! And besides, you were all by yourself for a long time, weren’t you? So it makes sense that being around others feels so good.”

“I’m glad that you understand.” Sieg felt relieved somehow. He wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t as if he were doing anything wrong by making the most of his time in this dream. When it was over, he would be returning to that place, and continuing his wait, so… It would be alright to enjoy this brief reprieve, wouldn’t it?

A solemn feeling blanketed him, as he was reminded of reality. Sooner or later, this battle would end. He would reclaim the Grail, and return to the Reverse Side, leaving this simulation to fade away. All of these people he had bonded with, Gudao, Astolfo… he could have to leave them behind.

“You deserve to be happy, Sieg.” Astolfo said, head nestled against his shoulder. “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to do what makes you happy. So you should make the most of every moment here.”

“Make the most of it…” Sieg repeated, melancholy seeping through him. That was always a difficult thing to do. Deciding on the best way to spend his time… As much as he loved lying here with Astolfo, he wondered if they should be doing something else instead, taking advantage of the peaceful daylight hours. They could be doing a lot of things, but Sieg really couldn’t say what would be making the most. “Maybe we should get up, then.” Sieg pondered. “And do something.”

“We could do that!” Astolfo chirped. “Or we could stay here. That’s something too, technically. But we can do anything you want to do! And if you don’t know what you want to do, then we can do what I want to do!” He grinned, winking, and Sieg’s smile couldn’t help returning. It was hard to stay sad around Astolfo for long.

“And what do you want to do?” He asked seriously. Astolfo’s cheeks pinkened, his smile becoming a bit more shy.

“Well… It’s something I’ve wanted to do for awhile.” He said, biting his lip slightly. “Before I was summoned here, even.”

“What is it?” Sieg asked, a bit curious. He knew Astolfo had wanted to experience the world again, but it was a big place, so surely there were many things he hadn’t gotten a chance to do-

Sieg’s train of thought slowed to a halt, as Astolfo pressed his lips to his. They were soft, and warm, like the rest of him. Astolfo kissed him gently, with as much restraint as he could muster, but Sieg could feel an earnestness behind it as well, something pure and almost desperate in its longing.

Sieg had never kissed, and he had never been kissed, but now that he had, he thought that it felt nice. A bit strange, but nice. Without thinking, he reached his hands behind Astolfo’s head, holding him gently. Hesitantly, he tried to mimic Astolfo’s movements, his lips pressed to his, teeth tapping awkwardly against each other. He bit Astolfo’s lip by mistake, and Astolfo laughed, pulling back. His cheeks were even pinker than before.

Sieg realized he was breathless. He had never thought about kissing before, or anything of that nature, never imagined what it might be like, or who he might like to do it with, but… this felt good. It felt right.

“That’s what you wanted to do?” He asked. Astolfo swallowed, nodding.

“Yes. Just once. At least once.”

He was embarrassed, Sieg could tell. His feet were curled, his gaze not meeting Sieg’s any more, even though he was smiling. Sieg’s hands were still buried in his hair, so he took one and placed it against Astolfo’s face, angling it back up so he could look at him better.

“Would you want to do it again?” He asked. Astolfo’s eyes widened somewhat, his expression a relief and happiness beat out only by the moments where he had witnessed Sieg cheat death.

“Would you?” Astolfo asked, swallowing again, eyes glimmering wetly as he smiled.

Sieg leaned forward and kissed him. Certainly, this was making the most of this moment.