Work Text:
You say it's not supposed to be
Tell me not to waste my time
This was never up to me
But if it was I wouldn't mind
Jyn once asked her father how he knew that Lyra was his soulmate and he laughed quietly.
“It was in her touch.”
It would be years before she understood that he meant it literally.
+
The day Jyn Erso walked into Eadu Corporation to start her new job as a tech specialist, she has no idea her life is about to change, that she is going to meet her soulmate. Soulmates are stories, fairy tales that her father use to tell her at night before she fell asleep, stories of how he met her mother, how they fell in love. The stories that ended the day they he died.
She’s forgotten the stories (or maybe purposely ignored them) – people go their whole lives without once meeting that perfect someone. She believes that the system is broken, and frankly, the world is full of thousands of people, millions. How can one person find that one other person pre-destined for them. She knows it’s a sham and she is one of many, many who disdain the system, learns to go on with their lives and simply move on.
But Eadu Corporation has other ideas for Jyn Erso.
+
Jyn met Bodhi while they were in college, two British nationals finding their way to each other in a large American city. Bodhi is a contradiction; shy as he is outgoing, kind as he is sarcastic. He sees right through Jyn’s brusque exterior and pulls the lonely and compassionate Jyn out of hiding. The first time he touches her, it’s a complete accident and they are both completely relieved when there is nothing. No sparks, no whatever that they are supposed to feel. For the first time in Jyn’s life, she has met someone that cares about her with no strings attached; who provides a small, safe place for her in his life and when he asks her to share his flat after he loses his roommate, Jyn can’t sign the paperwork fast enough.
“Jyn! You’re going to be late if you don’t leave right now!” Bodhi is yelling down the hall as Jyn is frantically stuffing papers into her messenger bag. Ugh, late on her first day of work.
Jyn careens out of her bedroom, taking the corner into the main room too sharp and slamming her shoulder into the wall. “Damn it! Where are my keys?”
Bodhi is holding them up, “You should have gotten up when I yelled at you the first time.”
“Thanks, Mom!” Jyn grabs the keys and gives Bodhi a quick hug. “Wish me luck.”
“You don’t need it! Have fun.”
+
Rushing in, Jyn realizes she made it on time and wishes she wasn’t such a sweaty mess. She takes a quick detour to the bathroom where she tries to wipe herself off as best she can.
Ok, she’s got this.
Her morning is spent filling out endless reams of paperwork. Jessica, the HR onboarding specialist, spends the first part of the morning going on endlessly about the benefits, the perks, the hours. Honestly, Jyn is just happy to have a job that will utilize her talents in computer languages and she hums happily at the thought of getting her hands on some of Eadu’s renown technology. By the time Jessica brings her to the workspace, most of the day has gone by.
“So here you are,” Jessica points to her station. “You’ll be with Melshi and Kes, I am sure they can help you get settled.” Jessica casually waves to two men in the corner. “Cassian’s around here somewhere but he prefers to work alone so you are better off with these two. Let me know if you need anything else.”
She’s gone before Jyn can speak so she turns to study her new co-workers. She is not quite sure which one is which but both men look at her quickly and one nods at her, “I’m Kes. This one is Rue but we call him Melshi.”
Melshi grunts something and turns back to his screen. Kes points at an empty station near him, “You can set up over there and hopefully Cassian will show up at some point and walk you through whatever you need. I’m around if you need anything but it should be pretty straightforward.”
Jyn notices that neither man offers to shake her hand and she is fine with that. Handshaking has fallen somewhat out of favor with only those truly seeking that special someone in their lives. She takes her bag and drops it on the floor next to the chair that Kes has pointed out. She settles in for the next hour, learning about the company and the work.
She thinks she is going to love it. It’s challenging and yet soothing at the same time. She’s engrossed in her work, not looking up until she hears a throat clearing near her. She glances up and sees a man dressed in a blue sweater and jeans looking at her.
This must be Cassian.
She’s struck by how handsome he is; hair just a tad too long and days old beard on his face. He is all lines and sharp angles, lean and entirely too tall for her (although she’s gotten use to tall men around her with Bodhi). His hands are in his pockets and he is leaning towards her.
“I tried to say hello but I don’t think you heard me. I’m Cassian.” His eyes are dark and she loves the way his mouth twists around his accent. It’s charming.
She smiles up at him, “Jyn.”
He looks at her computer, “Are you settling in, do you need me to show you anything? I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you got in, I was working on a small side project.”
“No worries, Kes basically pointed everything out and what needs to get done first.”
Kes walks up to the two of them, “Don’t worry about Jyn, she’s going to be great. A nice addition to this crew of guys we got here and I am willing to bet she’s smarter than you. She can sit there next to you so she can tell YOU all the things you are doing wrong.”
Kes laughs at his own jokes but Jyn is a little worried. It’s her first day and she doesn’t want to start off on the wrong foot. Especially not with Cassian.
She turns to look at Cassian and says, for reasons she won’t ask herself why, “Are you ok with this?”
He meets her gaze and his eyes are dark; thoughtful as they watch her carefully. “Jyn,” he says, and she loves the way he says her name; accent drawing out the short syllables. “Welcome to the team.”
She flushes at the welcome (it’s been so so long since she’s felt welcome anywhere) but gives a tentative smile, “Yeah? Okay.”
And that’s that.
+
Working with Cassian, Melshi, and Kes turns out to be the most trying and exhilarating experience of her life.
They are an odd combination of people, sharing a small workspace and learning about each other. She sees the signs of someone who has found his soulmate in Kes, how free he is with his affection to Jyn, often bumping his shoulder to hers in meetings or casually touching her arm in greeting. She learns that Kes is married to an airline pilot named Shara, whom he clearly adores. For a touch starved Jyn, the fleeting contact brings with it a small note of contentment that she has only ever experienced with Bodhi and her parents before.
Melshi doesn’t talk too often to Jyn (or anyone for that matter). He sticks to his corner of the room and only contributes to the conversation if he must (or can’t help himself she’s convinced). Jyn doesn’t know too much about him and she really doesn’t care.
It’s Cassian that intrigues her.
She’s not sure why, but something in his demeanor calls to her. She is certainly not looking for a soulmate (doesn’t believe in such a thing) but she is discovering that she simply likes him. He is good at what he does and seems to enjoy teaching her the best way to approach each project. He is encouraging without being condescending, doesn’t raise his voice and never (ever) brushes against her the way Kes does naturally and unconsciously.
Working with them is one of the most challenging, exhausting, entertaining experiences that Jyn has ever had and finds herself sad to be leaving at the end of the day. Bodhi thinks she’s crazy, the stories she tells him at night make him laugh and he urges her to meet them somewhere after work one night for drinks.
“Of course, you have to invite me. I need to meet these guys and make sure they’re cool.”
Jyn simply rolls her eyes at him.
+
“So, what are you doing tonight night, Dameron?” Jyn leans causally against the edge of Kes’s workspace, arms crossed.
“Why? Need me for something?” Kes leans back, eyes dancing at her.
“Ugh.” He really is too much sometimes. “My roommate, Bodhi and I are going to meet up at Chewie’s after work and asking to see if you guys wanted to hang?”
“Sounds good, Shara is traveling right now so it works.” Kes turns and yells down the hall. “Cass! Chewie’s tonight?”
Jyn hears a loud bang and then muttered curses in Spanish. “What?”
“Jyn is asking us to meet her at Chewie’s to-,” Kes yells and when Cassian appears in front of him, finishes his sentence in a normal tone, “-night.”
Jyn finds that she’s nervous now, quietly snaking her hand to the necklace that she always wears. It’s a small crystal that her mother had given her and it has always been like a talisman of calm over the years. It is a habit that she can’t break, a telltale sign of her nerves. Cassian is wiping his hands, eyes cast down.
“Sure, I’d like that.”
And he is watching her steadily when he replies.
Kes is watching them both, eyes lighting up with mirth. “Ok, Jyn. Chewie’s it is. Can you get me the wireframes for the Krennic Project so we can give them another pass?”
Jyn slides Cassian another glance and turns to walk back to her desk.
She still doesn’t understand the butterflies in her stomach. It’s just drinks.
Right?
+
Jyn is sure she’s hidden her attraction to Cassian from everyone except Bodhi, who figured that out within two days of her being employed at Eadu. “If I hear one more Cassian story I am going to walk around this flat with headphones on and never listen to you again.”
She discovers that Cassian; who is shy, mysterious, ridiculously intelligent and insanely observant, tends to come out of his shell around people he is comfortable with. She finds that she enjoys talking with him and likes his quiet manners. She likes him and for the first time in her life wants to get to know someone. All her life she spent avoiding people, avoiding any sort of friendship but now there’s Bodhi…and Cassian.
It’s why she likes Bodhi’s idea of going to Chewie’s, an excuse for both really.
Bodhi is already at Chewie’s, drinks in hand at a small table he’s confiscated, surrounded by both Kes and Cassian.
“You’re late,” he says as he hands her a glass.
“Making friends already? Thanks.” Jyn takes the glass, grateful to have something to hold onto. She slides next to Kes, across from Cassian who is watching her quietly.
She stares down into her drink and watches the amber colored liquid swirl around. The color reminding her of the sunsets she used to watch as a little girl; its color creeping away from the land only to have the darkness of the night blanket around it.
She’s dying to talk to Cassian but only watches as Cassian is engaged in a conversation with Kes.
Bodhi seems to know, and distracts Jyn. “There’s a man watching you. To your left.”
She turns to look, trying to be as subtle as possible. There is a man staring at her but averts his gaze when he realizes that Jyn is looking at him. She turns back to Bodhi and smiles, “Are you sure he was looking at me? Seems more like your type.”
Bodhi realizes he has been staring back and blushes; quickly reaching for his drink for a long swallow.
Kes looks back at the man, “Seems like he is still interested, Jyn.”
Jyn glances over her shoulder again and he is not terribly unattractive. “Ugh, I don’t know.”
Cassian speaks up, the first time since this conversation started, “Couldn’t hurt to go and talk to him. If you wanted.”
Jyn looks at Cassian in surprise and watches him thoughtfully, shrugging before finishing her drink.
All three pairs of eyes watch Jyn as she crosses the bar and points at the seat next to the man. He smiles and extends an invite to join him. She sits next to him and they talk for a few minutes; she smiles and the man is clearly interested in her.
Kes watches the whole interaction, “I wonder if they’re going to touch. Could be interesting to see fireworks up in here.” He steals a quick glance at Cassian who is pointedly staring into his drink. “Hey, you were the one who told her to go talk to him.”
Cassian doesn’t respond, still staring at his drink but Kes is still watching them, staring blatantly. “Na-da!” He says, after he sees them shake hands. “Nothing there.”
Jyn joins the group after a quick detour to the bar for a refill. Cassian clears his throat and asks, “Not interested?”
“He’s waiting for his soulmate.” Jyn shrugs and sips her drink.
“Aren’t we all.” Bodhi sighs and Kes orders another round of drinks.
+
Friday nights at Chewie’s becomes a thing, with Cassian’s friend Kay joining from time to time. Honestly, Jyn could do with a little less Kay in her life, not taking to the overly tall, almost robotic like roommate of Cassian’s. Bodhi swings by when he can and from time to time Melshi joins them, although he’s another ‘take it or leave it’ for Jyn. She’s always nice to him, though. Jyn loves the time with “the boys”, growing closer to them but the more that she talks with Cassian, the more she wants more.
“You know he likes you right?” Bodhi grins at Jyn across the kitchen island. “I definitely think he has a crush on you.”
Jyn slams her water back on the counter, “What? Who does?!”
“Cassian. I see the way he watches you and I think he likes you.”
“Nooooo, no way.” But even as Jyn denies it, she feels the curl of heat through her stomach at the thought of Cassian watching her.
“Well, it’s getting exhausting watching you two watch each other. I’m telling you, you should do something, see if he wants to come over here. When do the two of you ever get to talk without Kay interrupting you or Kes butting in.” Bodhi grabs his keys as he heads towards the door.
“Face it Jyn, you’re attracted to him and there’s no harm in seeing where it could go.” Bodhi throws his parting shot as the door closes behind him.
“Ugh.”
To say that she is attracted to him is a bit of an understatement. As the weeks go by she notices more and more quirks that Cassian has that intrigue her. He rubs his hand against his neck when he is unsure of something, runs his hands through his hair when he is deciding what to say and she can always tell when he’s annoyed; his face slides into an impassive mask that hides away any emotion. She has witnessed him do this, one muscle at a time, and it’s this face she dislikes intensely.
She is unbelievably drawn to him and wonders what she is so afraid of.
+
It’s another Friday night and she is drinking a little bit heavier than she normally would and she finds herself sitting at the bar next to Cassian. She’s leaning on her arm, facing Cassian and thinks the warmth in her belly has nothing to do with the alcohol.
“Are you looking for yours?” Jyn knows she is pushing the boundaries of politeness but wants to know so bad.
He shrugs, “Not really, I only know of a handful of people it’s happen to. But it is fascinating. I’ve always been curious about the phenomenon.”
“Well, you’re never going to meet them if you don’t ever touch anyone.”
Cassian looks at a spot behind her, gazes at the wall as he answers her, “Not sure it’s something I want to find anyway.”
Jyn feels the weight of disappointment settle on her shoulders, “Oh.”
“What about you?” It comes out as dismissive but Jyn thinks she hears the note of curiosity in his voice.
“My parents are the only people I know that have found their soulmate.” Jyn pauses, “Well, now I know Kes and Shara, but before that it was just my parents. And, they died.”
“Sorry, Jyn.”
“I mean, my father passed away suddenly and she shut me out. Her grief was the only grief she was capable of handling. I barely spent any time with her after that and I sort of drifted along for a while, keeping things together.”
“Your mother sounds selfish.”
Jyn is shocked at the quiet words, turns quickly to defend her mother’s actions but realizes that she doesn’t want to.
“Perhaps.”
He asks her if she wants another glass of wine and at her nod, he hails the bartender.
In the months that she has known Cassian, she knows they have never touched. Not once.
But with the passing of time, she’s almost forgotten that tiny fact. So when he hands her the drink and she reaches for it casually, her finger brushes against the side of his hand -
She gasps as the room tilts and shifts, swirling into a controlled chaos of stars and endless light.
She leans back as her soul surges upwards, towards light and hope. The stars around her blink brighter before exploding into stardust; cascading around her in an endless stream of light on shadow. She feels the press of time against her heart, the emptiness that had carved itself around her surging, towards the light of the stars. She tastes the wine she has been drinking and can feel it slowly turning to ash in her mouth at the realization of what this means; she hears a shatter, a cracking of bone like her heart has finally jumped alive after so many years and is reaching out desperately, franticly for endless possibilities.
She stands still, hand still reaching out, both of them frozen in that moment in time, eyes wide open in terror and understanding.
Bodhi barrels across the room, face flushed with concern. “What happened?”
His voice cuts through the fog they are both standing in and they pull their hands away. She realizes that the noise of shattering glass had been her, she has dropped the glass on the floor of the bar, shattering into thousands of fragments much like her mind.
“No, no, no, no,” Jyn throws her hand over her mouth, standing up and slowly backing away from Cassian. “I just…I can’t…”
“Jyn.” Cassian says quietly, voice tinged with desolation.
She flinches at the sound of her name, she won’t look at him, staring helplessly at the broken glass.
Bodhi stares at each in turn, stuck between the two of them, catching the strangeness of the situation but not clear on what he is witnessing.
“It’s ok, Jyn. We’ll get it clean it up. Did you hurt yourself, are you bleeding?” Bodhi reaches over to Jyn anxiously, but she takes a small step back.
“I’m fine, fine. It slipped out of my hand.” Not exactly a lie. “Bodhi, can you…so grateful if you could clean this up. I don’t feel well and I was just going to head out anyway. It’s been a long day and I’m tired.” She knows she is not making any sense.
“Jyn.” Cassian repeats her name, stepping towards her again.
She’s not sure she can speak, the ash in her mouth lingering; weighing her down. It’s overwhelming her and she doesn’t know what to do. This is Cassian; someone she’s been attracted to for weeks, for months. Cassian who has quietly worked his way into her life and now she feels like fate has taken any chance of really getting to know him away; forcing him to love her. No, forcing him to believe that he loves her. No doubt he is disappointed that it’s her. His soulmate. Jyn. Poor Jyn.
The tears threaten to spill out of her eyes, stupid tears, and she steps towards the door. She must go, she just can’t do this tonight. She’s sure that he will reject her in the end. The most important person to her, based on the stories of time, will no doubt reject her. She is sure he doesn’t want her.
Cassian turns quickly to Bodhi, “Can you ask Chewie for something to clean this up and give Jyn and I few minutes? Please?”
Bodhi stares between them and then comes to a decision, “Jyn, call me if you need me, ok?”
She only nods, afraid that if she speaks the tears will start.
“Is that it?” Cassian murmurs at her, turning to face her. “Is it me? Do you wish that it wasn’t me?”
She shoots her head up, eyes horrified, “No,” she breathes out. “No, Cassian, no it isn’t, it has nothing-No.” She closes her mouth, afraid that another word will drive him farther away from her. Doesn’t he know that it’s her, not him? That he will be the one disappointed that it is her.
She sighs. She is a walking cliché.
She wants to touch him again, feel the rush of light and hope, but she stands frozen and afraid. Even she can admit that to herself.
“I don’t want you to ever think that it’s you.” Jyn shakes her head sadly, stares wistfully at him. “You- you are the only thing in my life that means anything and…that is the only truth I have left to give.”
He takes a step toward her but she has already turned and walked out the door.
+
Bodhi arrives home not long after she has and finds her staring at the ceiling from the couch.
“Jyn, what happened?” He crouches down to meet her at eye level. “What did Cassian say that upset you so much?”
Jyn flings an arm across her eyes, “Cassian didn’t say anything, Bodhi. He never got the chance to.”
“Then what is it? Cassian looked like someone had stolen his car and left him out by the side of the road. When I left, Kes was dragging him back to bar for a drink though it looked like he wanted to follow me home.”
Jyn whispered, “Bodhi….it’s Cassian.”
Bodhi stares at her, not quite comprehending.
Jyn stares back at him, waiting.
“It’s Cassian,” Bodhi repeats, not sure if he’s asking a question or not. “You mean, it’s him? Like you and him, him? Soulmate him?”
Bodhi sits down completely on the floor and Jyn rises and slinks down next to him. He drags an arm around her, pulling her close to him. “You’re soulmates, you and Cassian.”
“Yes,” Jyn tucks her face into the crook of Bodhi’s neck and sighs miserably.
“So, this is a good thing, yeah? I mean, it makes sense, it’s almost a cliché how much it makes sense.”
“Yup, that’s me, a walking cliché.”
“Why did it take you guys so long?”
Jyn leans back and tugs on her necklace, “We’ve never touched. He has never offered and tonight he even said that he didn’t really want to find his.” She shrugs, “Not everyone is, you know.”
“But again, isn’t this a good thing? You guys have found each other, this should be the happiest night of your life.”
Jyn stands up, “I-I pushed him away tonight. Told him that I couldn’t…that I didn’t want this.”
Bodhi stands up, hands in the air, “What? Why? You’ve been in love with him since the day you met him, we both know that.”
“Self-preservation, Bodhi. I gave him an out.”
“No, you gave yourself an out. You’re pushing him away before he has a chance to do it to you.” Bodhi is angry now, he knows exactly what she is doing.
“Is it so hard to believe that maybe I’m not looking for a soulmate, that it’s all lies, and that even your soulmate can hurt you in the end?” Jyn is shouting, “That maybe it’s better for everyone if we just don’t do this?”
Bodhi just stares at her, eyes both sad and understanding, “Did it feel like a lie?”
Jyn gasps; the pain of never again feeling the universe move the way it had when she touched Cassian crashes into her and steals her breath.
Oh God, what has she done?
“Bodhi, I saw what devotion did to my parents. They loved each other to the exclusion of everyone else, including me. My father loved me, I know he did. But my mother always made me feel like I was someone who stole a little bit of Galen’s love from her. I always felt like the third part of a two-part story and I swore that I would never put myself into a situation like that.” Jyn fights back the desolation that always gives way when she thinks of her parents. “I would never want Cassian to resent me, resent the lack of choice. I want him to find happiness, really.”
“But you’re the one taking the choice away from him, Jyn. Don’t you see? I know you’re scared, I can see you going into protective flight mode but…” Bodhi steps closer to her, “but is protecting yourself worth all missing out on the possibilities? Is it worth the pain?”
He starts to walk past her, “Jyn, I love you but it doesn’t have to be this hard. And poor Cassian, ugh, do you think he’s happy?”
Bodhi doesn’t mean to hurt her but Jyn can feel the pressure of his words as they slam into her, twisting like a knife.
He’s not wrong, if she feels this gutted at her actions, what has she put Cassian through?
+
He is nowhere to be found on Monday.
Tuesday goes by with no sighting of Cassian and by Wednesday, Jyn is starting to get a little worried.
She tries to ask after him casually but Kes sees right through it. “What happened Friday?”
Jyn doesn’t look up, “What makes you think something happened?”
Kes sits down next to her, “Maybe by the way you stormed out of the bar.”
Jyn scowls up at him, “I didn’t storm anywhere, I wasn’t feeling well.”
“If you weren’t feeling well, Cassian would have taken you home. Bodhi took off the minute he realized you had gone, could have waited for him. Nah, something else happened.”
Jyn wants to yell at him but this is Kes; someone who has been nothing but nice to her since the day they met. She sighs instead, “I want to talk to Cassian and I don’t know where he is.”
“Have you texted him?”
“No, I just thought…”
“Text him, he’s been working from home on a couple of projects.” Kes touches her arm, “And Jyn, you guys should figure this out. It’s not that hard.”
It’s not that hard.
+
Jyn texts him a quick message asking if he has some time to talk. She waits impatiently for a response but there is none.
All day she waits for a text back from him and starts to realize that he is not going to text her back. She’s ruined whatever friendship they had and the pain of that loss is what hurts the most.
She tries once more before she leaves the office.
Please.
Fifteen minutes later he’s texted her his address along with an Okay.
It’s a start.
+
She knocks on his door softly and he’s suddenly standing in front of her.
He watches her warily, face hidden behind his impassive mask and she hates that she’s the reason he looks like this.
“So, you said you wanted to talk to me?”
Jyn bites her lips and misses the way Cassian’s eyes watch the movement. When she looks back at him, he has slowly opened the door wider. “Can I come in?”
“Figured it would be better than having you talk in the hallway.” He’s already shut the door behind her and walking towards his kitchen. “Do you want a drink? I think I am probably going to need one.”
Jyn winces at the curt tone in his voice but is distracted by just how clean everything is in his flat, apartment she corrects herself. There are large windows that let a lot of light into the main room and his books are in a tidy pile on the side tables. This is not the place she has imagined Cassian and Kay living in, such a gorgeous space. She cringes at the thought of her tossed sweatshirt and socks that must be by the couch at home.
“Drink?” Cassian has popped his head back into the room, waving a bottle of wine.
She declines.
“Suit yourself.”
She hates this Cassian and she knows she has no one to blame but herself.
He’s back and he indicates the couch and she sits carefully. He joins her and she notices that he stays clear of her, doesn’t invade her personal space. She feels bereft and quickly chastises herself, again no one to blame but herself.
“I’m sorry, Cassian, so so sorry about how I reacted last week.”
“Me, too.”
He wasn’t going to make this easy for her and she can feel the air thicken around them, tension building.
“I didn’t mean to upset you….”
“Upset me?” He laughs, the sound harsh and cold. “How would you feel if you found the other half of you, your soulmate and they tell you no? That you could not possibly be the one for them and that they don’t want you?”
He rubs his hands on his face with his free hand, “Look, I can’t do this. It’s too much.”
“No, please!” Jyn never imagined in her life, that she could be capable of hurting someone she cared so much about. The pain is etched across his face, she can feel the weight of his longing and knows it matches hers. “Please.”
He grimaces but simply takes a drink, waiting.
“I was only thinking about me, about my feelings and how I was just so scared. I reacted like I always do, self-protection. I never, never meant to inflict any pain on you, would never. I like you too much, Cassian.” She breaks for a second, dragging the courage out of her, “I liked you before all this, before we even touched. It was instinct and I was wrong, so wrong.”
He leans forward, bracing his hand on his knee, keeping his distance.
“What do you know about soulmates, Jyn?”
She hesitates before answering, “Honestly, only the stories that my father would tell me.”
“What do you know about the science?” Cassian is watching her carefully, drink forgotten.
“The science?” Jyn wrinkles her nose, “What science? Isn’t it all myths and legends?”
Cassian smiles at her quickly before he turns back to his drink. Toying with the glass, he whispers, “Can I touch your hand for a second?”
She hesitates before nodding and he reaches out one finger and brushes it against her hand.
And there is the light again. Stars racing across the night sky, pushing into a kaleidoscope of colors, bright colors sparkling against the dark backdrop of space. She gasps at the press of the stars and wonders if her soul can hold onto the galaxy of brilliance unfolding before her.
He pulls his hand away and like that, the light is gone leaving behind the dullness of their surroundings, the emptiness of his flat.
“I’m sorry, Jyn. I wanted to see it again, feel that light again.” Cassian has gone back to staring at his drink, pulling it closer to his body. “I studied soulmates in college, wrote a theoretical thesis on the subject.”
Jyn stares at him, “You what now? You studied this? I thought you were in computer intelligence?”
“I am but the idea of soulmates has always fascinated me and I figured there had to be a scientific explanation for it.” Cassian hesitates, running his hand over his jaw and Jyn knows she could be here for a while, she’s seen him when he gets passionate about a subject.
“I mean, nothing has ever been proven but the idea behind the soulmate lies in the beginning of time itself and all of the past lives we have ever lived. Soulmates find themselves over and over through time.”
“Reincarnation? That’s the theory behind soulmates?” Jyn feels the skepticism creep into her voice.
Cassian nods, “In a way. Your soul…it…remembers.”
“I always believed that my father made these stories up just to tease me. Everything I know about soulmates is in what he left behind and it wasn’t really a lot.”
“How come your mother never shared the stories with you?”
Jyn leans back, “My mother and I were never really close. She spent most of her time working on her writing and what energy she had left she devoted to my father. There wasn’t room for two of us.”
“I’m sorry, Jyn.” Cassian finishes his drink and Jyn can tell he wants to say more.
“Did your parents tell you the stories?” Jyn is curious, wants to know a little bit more about this man that she feels like she knows so well and understands she knows nothing about.
“They did. My parents had three kids and loved us as much as they did each other. My Mama would tell us repeatedly about the night she met Papa, how the stars aligned and that we would all meet that special someone, someday. She was sure of it.” Cassian rubs his hand across the back of his neck and Jyn finds the gesture enchanting.
“I wonder…” Jyn breaks off, wanting to grab her necklace.
“Wonder what?” Cassian’s voice drops to a whisper.
She says softly, “I wonder if you and I have met before, if we found each other and were happy. Before.”
She is watching him and suddenly she realizes that this, what she is doing to them, is just so pointless.
He was right, her mother was selfish and so is she. She can love this wonderful man and knows that she is already halfway there.
The words come out too fast, twisted together in a jumble of emotions, “I’m afraid, of you, of us. I didn’t want to risk giving you any little piece of me only to have you feel trapped or stuck. I resigned myself to being along, always alone and then I met you. And you are amazing. And I am just so tired of being alone.”
She holds out her hand as Cassian tries to interject, “Let me…please. Cassian, I know I would find you in every version of our lives. I would, I would, I know it.”
Cassian leans toward her, and something gives inside her and she meets him halfway, clutching at his shoulders as he slides his hand around her waist, bumping noses with him as she reaches up and he bends down, down, down and finally, finally, tasting him as his mouth finds hers.
She feels the swirl of time and space, the light of the universe closing around them, wrapping them both in their brilliant light. She feels the press of the years between them, the time they spent apart and the moments they are rebuilding together.
Jyn holds on as he kisses her, clutching at his shirt to bring him closer, and when she breaks the kiss, he runs his hands over her, tracing heat, until she was breathless.
He kisses her again.
For a brief, split second, she starts to unravel in second thoughts and uneasiness. But his mouth is too warm and her hand is stretching to cup his jaw. It doesn’t matter, this or them, but she’s kissing him and he’s kissing her back. The light burns, over and over again, screams in her head and behind her eyes so she slides her tongue inside his mouth, a subsequent growl from him skimming against her lips.
The light.
“Are we doing this?” She breathes.
But he’s kissing her again, probably to shut her up. She can’t help herself and she only wants to press herself closer so she does. His arm is sliding around her waist and he’s pulling at her. He’s indulging. She’s indulging. They’re indulging.
His teeth tug at her lip and she sighs, pressing her mouth over his again as his fingers slip under her shirt and sweep over her skin, leaving chills in their wake. Her head is feeling heavy as her fingers graze over his cheek. Her thumb sweeps underneath his chin tracing stars along its path.
He leans away from her, releasing his arms and dragging them to his sides. She already misses him, misses the warmth of his body on hers and shivers. She’s not sure if her crossed arms were to retain some of the warmth he has left behind or to brace herself for what she knew was coming next.
But she always assumes the worse.
Cassian leans his forehead down to hers and she wonders if she will ever grow tired of the light.
“I always knew it was you.”
Jyn opens her eyes and stares at him, “I think I did, too.”
“I would watch you, you know. I would watch the way you would bite your lip when you were concentrating, the way you played with that necklace of yours when you were a little bit nervous. I hated how comfortable you were with Kes, it drove me crazy. I wanted to make you laugh the way he does and I just didn’t know how.”
Cassian hasn’t moved but Jyn leans back to stare at him. “I think, for me, you felt like home for the very first time in my life.”
Cassian takes a startled breath and his head is falling against her shoulder and his lips move against her skin. Jyn tugs gently on his face, pulling him up to look at her, “What are you saying?”
He tucks a stray hair behind her ear, hand trailing down her face, “We would have found each other, in every version of our lives.”
“Yeah?” Her voice is soft, wishful.
“Yes.”
She takes his face in her hands and kisses him again, and he holds her as if he is never going to let her go, his hands on her everywhere, kissing her for long minutes until she is dizzy and aching. She still feels the turn of the universe, but it’s softer, beautiful.
She thinks of the infinite versions of them, finding each other through the universe and knows that it’s enough for her.
.end