Chapter Text
Hyunjin moaned as his mind was suddenly brought to awakeness, the sound of Kkami's nails clicking on his wooden floor loud and repetitive as the small dog attempted to find a more comfortable position on the floor. Already, he could feel what he "fondly" labeled as his old friend anxiety prickling at the base of his neck, and he sighed into the pillows that were wet with his drool. Still, he pressed his lips into a thin line and clenched his aching teeth, allowing his blurry eyes to open in the darkness. The boy turned, squinting at the purple color of his old digital alarm clock. The time read five a.m. and he knew it was time for him to get ready for class, as much as he didn't want to leave the warm security of his blankets.
The blankets provided away to fight the demons that laughed inside of him without pause.
But as always, Hyunjin kicked them away, his bare feet cramping as they touched the cold of his floor. He winced and shivered as he unplugged his phone, shuffling out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Kkami groaned as he padded by her softly but settled back down to sleep, and a fond smile laced with affection tugged up his lips briefly. It was a bit more light outside of his bedroom, the blinds open and the sun just starting to rise. The sky outside was a dark blue still, but it slowly was turning into a lilac almost, and the bright moon still hung high in the sky for his eyes to see. Hyunjin allowed himself a few moments to admire it, a soft feeling fluttering against the anxiety in the pit of his stomach.
He moved into the kitchen, pressing the touch screen on button of his brewer, unlocking his phone as he waited for the machine to heat up. There were no particular thoughts playing in his mind at the time, his largest focus on drinking whatever tea would catch his interest in the cupboard that morning. His brightness was as low as possible and he clicked his email, mindlessly deleting most of them and saving the important ones for later. Once the brewer fell silent he opened the cupboards above the small counter, unsure of what he wanted. Vanilla sounded nice, but wouldn't that send him to sleep? Peach sometimes made him ill, and hibiscus would be too strong...
There is was. His first true taste of anxiety that morning. His fingers began to tremble against the wood he was holding onto, eyes losing focus as he tried to read the flavors. Hyunjin licked his suddenly dry lips, but his tongue was just as sandpapery and he shivered, feeling acid welling up from his belly and he stumbled back. The heel of his palm pressed against his brow, teeth clenched as he shoved out a harsh breath, as though he could make the panicked feeling leave with it.
"It's just tea. Just pick a flavor," His voice cracked and was low, rough with the morning but his face was pinched his determination as he grabbed the first box his trembling hand came in contact with and slammed it atop the granite, "This is fucking ridiculous."
Hyunjin could insult himself and his anxiety disorder all he wanted, but that did not make it go away and he knew it. He sniffled, fingers wiping away the extra moisture that had begun to build in his eyes before he tore open the paper packet and placed it inside of the World's Best Dancer mug he had left out the night before. It was the small things he did for himself, like leaving out a cup for the morning or packing his backpack the night before that brought him the most comfort. They were tiny, but they were reassuring and made the insanely difficult mornings that much easier. Hyunjin could never thank himself enough for those moments, even if they took a little extra time or were inconvenient. They were worth it.
The tea had finished brewing, and a sweet, slightly-lemony scent wafted up to him. Hyunjin raised a brow curiously and checked the packet of the tea he had chosen.
"Oh, dessert tea..." It was iced lemon loaf flavored, and he certainly wasn't complaining. His hands twitched with another tremor but he solidly grasped the hot cup and returned to his bedroom, curling atop of the covers. Hyunjin blew the steam away in the dark room, and took a small sip. The tea itself was not strong, but a note of vanilla hit him before his tongue was coated with a light lemon flavor, mixed with apple and perhaps lemongrass. The effect was instant, and he sighed as wakefulness truly began to find him. The musty feeling that had been clinging to him began to clear up, and Hyunjin felt much more like...Himself as he scrolled aimlessly through social media and drank the hot tea.
Not once did the curls of anxiety leave him, but he did not expect them to and went through his normal morning routine.
It was on the way to school that Hyunjin realized it was a bad day. It was something in the way that he stepped into the car, something in the way that he could not stop staring at the dying bee on the front window of his mother's car. He could not name the trigger, because his disorder could be triggered by everything and nothing, but he found himself absolutely fixated on the poor thing as he and his mother drove in relative silence, only one of her many CDs playing in the background. It was some musical that he actually liked quite a bit, but he was hyperfocused on the way the paled bee shuffled on the see-through glass, sticking tightly so as to not be blown away by the wind. Hyunjin could distinctly recall it being there the evening before as he and his mother returned from one of their rare dinners out together.
He had found it impossible to tear his eyes away then, too.
There's so much more to anxiety than people realize, Hyunjin thought to himself as he felt sadness well up inside of him as his eyes bore into the creature, People just think, oh, you're nervous. It's more. It's feeling sick. It's not breathing. It's focusing too much on one thing, not being able to focus at all. Spells of depression. Dissociating. Why why why why am I doing this now-
His breathing picked up, and the bee's wings spread. Hyunjin's fingers clenched onto the backpack in his lap, the repeated question of why now rotating in his head. His muscles were tense, teeth grinding. The bee's wings had spread, yes, but still it sat on their window, not leaving in the wind. It made him so sad, because perhaps it was not that the bee wanted to stay, but rather could not manage to leave. Stuck there, going through hell as Hyunjin and his mom drove to his high school. He felt his cheeks warming, another often-unrecognized sign of anxiety and he finally tore his gaze away.
It fell to his lap and his teeth caught the left side of his bottom lip. A flare of pain went through the teenager at the action- It was so tender from overabuse these days, because Hyunjin constantly cycled through terrible anxious habits that all had underlying self-harm built into them. He hated it but it kept him just a bit calmer and already he could feel his phone being slicked with sweat in his hand. His fingers were turning white with how tightly he was gripping the device.
"Are you alright, Jinnie?" His mom's voice chipped at his cloudy wall of thoughts, light and warm. She knew the answer but he cleared his throat and turned to face his window.
"I'm fine, Mama," He replied with just a moment of hesitation. He knew a whole slew of people would tease him if they knew he called his mom Mama, but he simply could not imagine calling her anything different to her face. When Hyunjin even conjured the possibility of being made fun of, his throat began to close up and he shifted in his seat.
Good God, it is a bad day, it is such a bad day but here he is, driving to school like it doesn't feel like his whole world is closing in on him. He logically knew it was not, but he also knew good luck trying to convince himself to believe it.
"Do you get out at two-thirty today?" She asked, trying to fill the empty space that was drowning him. Hyunjin's stomach rolled but he nodded tensely, tapping at his tense jaw with roughened fingertips.
"Yup," Hyunjin's voice was steady. He had learned to mostly keep his voice in check over the many years.
"I'll pick you up then, so don't worry," Tears pushed at his eyes at the soothing in her tone. He knew that she was telling him to not worry about much more than getting picked up on time (Another thing that made him incredibly anxious), and that she was using their ordinary conversation as a comfort. She never failed to do her best as a mom, and he appreciated her more than words could ever describe. His mouth twitched down, and he felt a specific muscle in his cheek or jaw area- He could never quite figure out which it belonged to- Pulling, his telltale sign that he was about to start crying instead of successfully holding them back.
Hyunjin's shoulders gave him the impression that someone was digging their fingers into the always-tense muscles, breathing down his neck and worsening the pins he felt there from the moment he woke up. He tilted his head up, but locked eyes on the pathetic bee for the rest of the car ride.
He walked into the school with no hint of tears on his smiling face.
"What's up?" Changbin asked the moment he saw Hyunjin cheerily hop up the steps to their normal morning meeting place, and it was not casually so. It held all of the concern and criticism someone could offer when they knew their friend was lying. Their spot was near one of the outside planter boxes in the mostly-empty side of the school, a good place to talk shit about others and keep Hyunjin's crowd anxiety under control. His half-faked smile almost fell, but he had expected his best friend to call him out and he gave a half-shrug in return, setting his backpack down.
"The normal stuff," Hyunjin closed his eyes and gave a mockingly pleasant smile. Changbin snorted, downing the remaining coffee in his travel mug before wiping at his mouth, "How are you, hyung?"
"I've had worse days," The older offered the same type of bullshit answer, and he nodded thoughtfully, mouth sort of pouting as he waved at the passing group of girls who called his name.
"Your hair is cute today, Minji-ssi!" Hyunjin cupped his hands around his mouth as he called out to her, grinning at the way the all four girls began to squeal and hit each other. He was pretty certain Minji had buried her face in her hands, but it was hard to see her over the crowd of her friends pushing her around suggestively and he turned back to Changbin. The teenager was shaking his head, eyebrow raised critically as he shoved the empty mug in his backpack. Immediately, Hyunjin felt his heart pang but he tried to push it back, trying to keep the minor hysteria he was feeling out of his voice, "What?"
"I'll never get why you flirt with everyone when talking to them literally makes you want to die," He gave Hyunjin a dead stare for a few moments.
"That's not-"
"You messaged me last night, and I quote, "ohmygod hyung talking to people literally makes me want to toss myself in front of a train why am I like this just get rid of me I should die," His voice raised an octave as he rushed out Hyunjin's message in one breath. Hyunjin spread his fingers out, straining them painfully before pulling them and pressing them folded as tightly as he could, feeling them ache. His eyes slipped shut and his head started to ache with tension because he could feel the possibility of this turning into an argument and it made him ill. So so ill. Hyunjin's chest swelled with blackness, and it stuck like gunk to his lungs. A bad day, "Jin. Hey, Hyunjin- Just forget it, man."
"You're right," Hyunjin shrugged. He rarely outwardly gave the appearance of falling apart, but after seven or eight years Changbin knew so much better than that, and he could feel the older grasp his hand. He tugged it away, pressing it protectively against his chest- The younger avoided his friend's sorrowful eyes, "But if I act normal, they'll see normal. It's okay. I'm okay."
"You're okay," Changbin loyally repeated, and did not follow Hyunjin as he slung his backpack back on and turned, walking away with quick but measured steps. Hyunjin could not see where he was going through his tears, but he knew the way to his normal bathroom stall by heart and his back quickly met cheap plastic as he fell into it, sliding to the dirty, cold floor. He did not heave shuttering breaths, he did not choke on painful sobs, nor did his face even contort. The clear tears simply slid down pink cheeks and dropped onto his clothes. Hyunjin's mind had come to a full stop, and he could not tell you exactly how long he blankly sat in that stall until the bell to start making your way to class rang
It was like a switch had flipped, and he blinked, patting at his sore eyes and tapping his face, "Shit, it's seriously a bad day. What the heck, I swear."
He spoke to himself in a jovial tone, building the smile on his face as he unlocked his phone, looking at his groupchat. It was dedicated to a band he liked, full of people he had never met, but would consider his friends. He bit his lip- Hyunjin so badly wanted to tell them what he was feeling, to explain the blackness that's roots were digging deeper into the tender flesh of his organs, but he didn't want to ruin their mood. He never did. Instead, he clicked onto the fanboard for the same group, and as he walked to his first class his thumbs hesitated over the screen. Not there either.
Because the thing Hwang Hyunjin hated most was spreading negativity, and sharing his thoughts about his patheticness in that moment? That was negativity at its finest, or rather, worst. Because the thoughts were not kind- They consisted of why are you like this, just get over it, I want to hide from the world, I hate this feeling, I'm drowning, please help me, I can't do this, I want to go home, make it go away-
He was negative. It seeped from his pores and Hyunjin always tried to cover it with his smile.
I wish there was a place where I could just fucking say it without feeling like trash for ruining someone's mood, he thought to himself, offering his teacher a cheery smile as he took his seat and opened his laptop for his self-directed study course. The thought clung to him, but in such a different fashion than most. Rather than nerves striking him, a bright sense of excited hope pierced him.
"Oh," Hyunjin whispered to himself, eyebrows raised. He ignored the look from the girl next to him. I can do that. For, like...Everyone.
Hyunjin opened Tumblr and began to type away.
It did not stop him from sending a text to his his mom, reading Please come get me, but by the time she arrived, honestdropthoughts.tumblr.com was up and running.