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They were sitting on wooden boxes filled with weapons, gas and replacement equipment. Nobody said a thing, they didn't seem to move while staring into the depth, into the ocean, into the dark sky they could see through the thick glass of the airship's window.
»Remember when we were younger, when we didn't know what the world behind the walls looks like, how we would imagine what the sea, the desert and all the other terrains would look like?«, Armin asked, hugging his legs close his body and letting his head rest on his knees.
Eren didn't tear the empty look from the blue waves several hundred meters beneath them. He didn't answer either. The kick's pain had vanished some minutes ago, his body regenerated the hurt cells on the spot faster than ever.
He knew, he deserved the pain, the violence for what he had done, but he didn't show any form of regret on the outside. And on the inside, he felt emotionally tired.
Mikasa nodded faintly, but her scarf wasn't pulled in her face to hug her cheeks, nose and lips. She didn't wear the red piece of clothing so dear to her. It was way too hot in the airship.
»Come on, Eren. Stop ignoring us. It has been so long.« The sparkling blue glared insistently and desperately to the man who had not moved single muscle for 20 minutes. »Have you really lost all interest and love in life? All motivation?«
»Sasha won't come back if you sit here, doing nothing, only vegetating and pitying yourself«, Mikasa mumbled suddenly, she looked miserable and hurt.
Sasha had been family. Squad Levi grew close in the past years. They were like a little family. And now, a family member died.
Levi was all to familiar with that pain, he hated to see his comrades go one by one.
Then, Eren looked up, glanced at his sister for a short while, before closing his exhausted eyes. He had seen too much, but the waves calmed his nerves.
»It's all my fault. Jean's right.« He huffed, shaking his head before staring down to his feet. »Her last word was ›meat‹. She hadn't changed a bit during the time I wasn't with you... the food lover, I met and became friends with.«
Neither Armind nor Mikasa said a thing.
There was nothing to add, nothing to answer, because everything Eren said there was nothing but the truth.
Of course, Gabi was Sasha's murderer; she was the one who pulled the trigger.
But Sasha's death, one of many, was the aftermath of Eren's seemingly selfish actions.
Levi was leaning against the metal wall in the shadows to watch the trio dear to him.
He felt like a shepherd, a guardian, a mentor. Squad Levi, they weren't his friends, they were somewhat like children, no- they were like family. They were dear to him.
Just like Isabel and Farlan had been.
The three sometimes woke forgotten, suppressed memories to let dead souls flash in front of the old, grey eyes.
How long have the people who Levi once knew best been dead already?
He stopped counting years, he quitted hurting himself so long ago.
Physical pain was nothing against mental misery.
Eren's dead eyes remembered him of the last time he saw Isabel.
Eventually, everybody would leave.
When was his time to say goodbye?
Mikasa and Armin stood up, no words were left to exchange.
They didn't notice Levi there as his clothing blended in well with dark wall.
Eren tore his gaze away from the dark waves when he recognized the footsteps of Captain Levi after all those years as he approached him.
»Levi«, the young man whispered, not showing his face but giving him attention nevertheless.
He didn't need to see the face full of disappoinment, imagining it was enough.
»Eren«, Levi said with his deep voice as he sat down next to him on the boxes. »You look like shit.«
»Couldn't care less«, the returned sighed, he wasn't to be recognized.
Where was the young man Levi got to know and learned to love?
The empty eyes, the half-hearted answers, the missing of his left shoe.
Also, Eren lost any sense for cleanliness, he reeked of sweat, urine and dirt.
Additionally, his hair was greasy and his beard didn't look that neat.
Now they were sitting there in silence, too; only the rotating of the propellor and the rattling of the working motors filled the room with noise.
»Now you're above the ocean which you always wanted to see so badly then and one would think you couldn't give a flying fuck.« Levi stared down to the mass of salt water and remembered the fear he once felt when he saw it for the first time.
He still couldn't swim.
»But it had always been your wish to see the sea with your friends... Wasn't it your motivation?«
These memories were important and so alive to Levi, they influenced one of the hardest decisions he ever had to make.
Would he still have chosen Armin all those years ago if he hadn't overheard the friends' conversation?
Would Erwin be alive, even now?
Would they all be here where they are right now?
»You still remember that?« Slowly, Eren lifted his look, searching for eye contact.
Levi gave him what he wanted. »Yeah, I actually kind of eavesdropped on you three. You were talking about some book, Armin and you. Mikasa didn't know what was going on.«
The gray eyes paid attention to the horizon again.
»Everything was graspable, then.« Eren watched Levi's hands twitch a bit.
Once again, they fell silent.
Levi was missing Eren more than ever, although he was sitting next to him.
He could touch him, he could see him, he could even smell him, but it didn't feel like Eren.
He couldn't find his ghost in the body by his side.
»Back then, I laid down next to you again so we could wake up next to each other the next morning... But when the first rays of sun shone through the curtains... you just weren't there anymore. Your spot was empty and cold already.«
Levi's eyes fell to the ground between his feet and he supported his upper body with his forearm laying on his thighs.
»You sleep thight and long after banging. It was an opportunity«, Eren explained his hurried disappearence.
»You would have done the same in my position.«
Levi glanced over to his former lover and felt betrayed, just as he did all those years ago.
»I thought that you escaped. Not that you would go on a lonely suicide tour.«
He was disappointed, but not surprised.
It was Eren after all.
»Does that mean you climbed in my bed only to be able to escape without me catching you? Did you whisper your love into my chest as a means to an end?»
Eren shook his head. He didn't feel well, because Levi was still Levi.
Levi was still the man he desired.
»My love was real. And your love is something I don't deserve anymore."
Admittedly, Levi was still angry, but he was also desperate. He wanted to see the vivid, alive green in those dead eyes, he missed them so much.
»I never stopped loving you«, Levi mumbled quietly and unintelligibly.
»What?«, Eren asked, thinking he misunderstood the Captain. »What did you just say?«
»I still have feelings for you.« Grey met green, but the candle wasn't lit, it only glimmered faintly.
»I always did and I always will.«
»So... You don't hate me? After all I have done?« Eren couldn't believe it.
He had only been met with hatred for the last months. Only Falco had been nice to him.
Sometimes he reminded him of his former self, the admiration in the boy's eyes when Reiner was with him resembled the one he held for Levi, his childhood hero, Humanity's Strongest.
»I'm... really pissed and disappointed, you bastard, but I don't hate you.« Levi shook his hate. »I hate Zeke. I save his blood til the end.«
When the grey eyes looked down again, they spotted a long, brown hair on his black uniform. Slightly disgusted he picked it up to remove it, letting it fall onto the cold ground.
»Do you wanna cut my hair, Captain?« Eren's question made Levi lift his gaze again and he noticed the fire in green eyes which he had missed.
Maybe things would become normal again.
And his hand almost felt home when it ruffled through Eren's hair. »Of course.«
A small smile couldn't be surpressed.