Archive of Our Own

Jyushimatsu remembers the first time they had asked about the scars.

It had been raining, which meant the day had turned out really kind of boring, because as much as he’d wanted to go out and jump in mud-puddles and catch the raindrops in his mouth, their parents had made it clear that the door was firmly shut until the rain had stopped. So they had been forced to play inside. Which was boring. Boring now, and especially boring back then, when they were only nine.

They’d gone through as many games as they could think of by mid-afternoon, and even then it had still be raining, and Jyushimatsu had still been full of so so so much energy- but the others had eventually just sat down and started a half-bicker-half-conversation, so he’d ended up sitting down with them and joining in.

“Have you guys ever noticed that Mum has a scar in the exact same place as Dad?” Karamatsu had asked suddenly, and the others had turned to look at him with sceptical looks.

“She so doesn’t,” Todomatsu had scoffed. “And there’s no way you noticed something like that!”

“She does, I’ve seen it! On her arm!”

“You’re such a liar-“

“I’m not-!”

“You so are-“

“I-“

“Okay!!” Osomatsu had declared then, hitting his fist hard against the table. “We’ll go ask. Then we get to see if Karamatsu really is an idiot or not.”

The rest of them had nodded, following their elder brother into the kitchen, where their mother had been in the midst of preparing dinner. He remembers that they had stared for a moment, and their mother shot them a curious and wary look, before Osomatsu had stepped forwards, face determined.

“Mum,” he started. “Karamatsu said you and Dad have a scar in the same place on your arm. Like, exactly the same. Is he stupid?”

“No,” she had replied with an amused smile, and the rest of them had been thrown into shock, even Karamatsu somewhat. She held up her arm to reveal a small pale nick near the elbow, hidden and almost unnoticeable.

“How come you and Dad have a scar in the same place?” Osomatsu had demanded. “Did you get it together? Are you aliens? Did you lose a bet?”

“What are you talking about?” She rolled her eyes. “This is your father’s, not mine. I think it might have been sports related, who knows. Whatever that idiot was getting up to in his youth…”

There had been a moment whilst they considered this, Jyushimatsu growing more and more confused by the second. It was Choromatsu who decided to ask what they’d all been thinking. “Uhhh, if it’s Dad’s, then why do you have it?”

She had put down whatever she had been chopping, some vegetable Jyushimatsu doesn’t remember, and then leaned down closer to them with a smile, a little like when one of them had said something stupid, and she would tut and shake her head. Jyushimatsu was well acquainted with that kind of look.

“See, that’s how these things work,” she said, then ruffled Ichimatsu’s hair, which he had responded to by recoiling with a confused stare. “When you find someone you truly love, you’ll share all your scars with them.”

“What!” Todomatsu looked scandalised, drawing his hands tightly towards his body. “Then I hope I never fall in love. I don’t want any scars.”

“You can’t choose if you have one.” Their mother winked. “That’s how soulmates work.”

“What’s a-“

“I’ve already got a scar though!” Jyushimatsu had cut in, beaming and rolling up his pants to show the light mark on the back of his leg. “When we were playing football and I scored that goal but I slid when I kicked it and it hurt a lot!!”

“So someone else hurt themselves playing football too?” Karamatsu asked with fascinated eyes.

“Well, you don’t have to do the same thing, but maybe.” Her eyes glinted with a hint of amusement. “There might be a girl out there to fall in love with you all.”

“Eww,” Ichimatsu said, scowling. Todomatsu had laughed unsurely, and Jyushimatsu thought it over for a few seconds, before deciding he didn’t really get it.

“Well, my girlfriend’s gonna be more prettieriest than yours,” Osomatsu said, sticking out his tongue.

“Yeah right!” Choromatsu pulled a face. “Nobody would like you, you’re gross.”

“What, I’m not gross, you’re gross-“

“No fighting in the kitchen!” their mother scolded, leaning back up. “Unless you want to help me with the dinner? Lay the table? You’re old enough to help out now, aren’t you?”

“Run!” Osomatsu yelled, and they had all instantly scattered from the kitchen, and Jyushimatsu laughed, all thoughts of scars and girlfriends flooding out from inside his mind. And it hadn’t really come up again since then. They might have had a lesson about it in middle school, but that also might have been the same lesson where he got kicked out for having a foot-fight with Ichimatsu under the table.

That’s all he remembers about it though.

-

-

-

It comes up one morning when he’s fourteen, just briefly, hardly even worth thinking about.

They’re getting changed for school one morning, a flurry of sliding doors and pulling on blouses and not caring whose is whose, when suddenly Todomatsu grabs his arm with an outraged expression.

“What’s this??” he demands. “When did you get this?”

Jyushimatsu blinks, then follows his gaze down to his arm. There’s a thin scar formed on his upper arm, maybe from a cut. He doesn’t remember getting it. Is it new? What was he doing lately to net him a scar like that...there’s probably a lot of things, but he can’t really place it to one thing.

“You didn’t have this the other day,” Todomatsu carries on, yanking his arm upwards like the answers will be written on the other side.

“Sports?” Jyushimatsu suggests.

“You would have noticed,” he says, frowning, then drops his arm again and stares with wide disbelief. “Does this mean that-?!”

“Hm?” Karamatsu steps over after brushing his hair, glancing around before his eyes land on Jyushimatsu’s arm. Suddenly it almost feels a little embarrassing. “N-no way, Jyushimatsu- you- have a soulmate?”

“Nah, just sports!” He tries waving it off, but by now all the others are looking at him. Ahh, Karamatsu definitely likes to make things dramatic. No one says anything for a moment, and he wonders if maybe it’s safe, but then all at once-

“Ehhh? Seriously?!”

“Let me see-“

“It’s right there-“

“There’s no way-“

“Just sports!” Jyushimatsu repeats again, but by now his arm’s been grabbed again and is being closely scrutinised by five pairs of identical gazes, gazes burning into his flesh.

“You sure he didn’t already have this? I mean, it’s not easy to tell with Jyushimatsu-“

“It would have bled loads and someone would have noticed-“

“I bet she’s a super hot chick,” Osomatsu says with a grin, and pats Jyushimatsu on the back like he just scored a game winning goal. “Suuuuper big tits. You’ll share, right?”

“You’re disgusting,” Choromatsu mutters, rolling his eyes. “I hope no girl’s unlucky enough to get chained to you.”

“You should get a scar stamp,” Todomatsu says, crossing his arms in a way that Jyushimatsu thinks makes him look like he wants to be happy for him, but then also really jealous.

Jyushimatsu stares at the scar and tries to imagine some pretty girl from somewhere in the world, the same arm but smaller, the same scar in the same place. He thinks for a moment, just a moment, then decides he can’t see anyone. It’s just a scar. He doesn’t know who she is.

-

By the time they get to high school, Jyushimatsu has pretty much disregarded all things to do with scars as the cut on his arm sits alone, unexplained and unassuming. Rather than worry about that, he decides to focus on other stuff where things actually happen, like baseball and- more baseball. Fun things! He forgets about the scar easily enough, and then his brothers all forget too, and their parents never knew in the first place so he doesn’t have to worry about that, so it’s all fine.

He walks along back from school, swinging his bag around freely with Ichimatsu by his side, who walks slower than usual in the growing heat. They ended up getting sent to buy- some things?? from the shop before going home – Jyushimatsu doesn’t really remember what. He wasn’t paying attention. Ichimatsu might know but then he also might not care but either way he thinks they might get some sweets, which is good enough.

It’s warm, and after a while Jyushimatsu decides he can’t be bothered with being too hot and rolls up his sleeves, momentarily pausing his bag-swinging before continuing near immediately. It feels wrong to be too still. Ichimatsu’s eyes flicker to him, and suddenly their comfortable silence shifts into something more sinister, more awkward. Jyushimatsu turns with a questioning gaze, and Ichimatsu stares at him with a calculating but almost sad gaze.

“…What?” he asks at last, stopping in the middle of the path, grinning patiently.

His brother looks away, almost like he’s uncomfortable. “Your arms.”

Jyushimatsu blinks, and then holds up his arms in front of him. First he looks at his right, but there’s nothing there. Then his left- and then he notices. Faintly sketched into the skin are a few horizontal lines, about six or seven, short and quick, staring from where the veins merge into flesh. But he…definitely didn’t do them. Did he? No, he didn’t. Jyushimatsu considers this for a few seconds, before rolling his sleeves back down.

“Maybe she has a cat?” he suggests, and they start walking again.

“Yeah,” Ichimatsu says, voice low. “Maybe.”

-

A few days later, during the weekend (at last), things change a little. Jyushimatsu wakes up first as usual and then wakes up the others and they eat and he gets changed into a t-shirt because it’s only getting hotter, then debates whether to go outside or not. Sprawled out across the floor, he wonders if his brothers will come with him or not, because if they do then they can play something together, but if not he can just go alone and do something else.

He hardly even notices Osomatsu and Karamatsu standing above him, or the weird look that Osomatsu gives him as Jyushimatsu smiles up at them, but then Karamatsu suddenly drops down next to him with a devastated expression, almost near tears. Jyushimatsu blinks. Did he die and not realise it? He always thought that might happen one day.

“Jyushimatsu!” he cries, clutching his fists against the carpet, gaze pleading. “This is…! You didn’t tell us- oh, my Jyushimatsu!”

“Huh?” He leans his head to the side, pulling himself up a little. Now he sees the others looking at him too, a range of complicated stares. Jyushimatsu starts to worry. Did he die?

“Those aren’t…” Todomatsu starts, then looks away uncomfortably, shifting a little. “…Right?”

“What?” He stares at them, confused. The heat from outside seems to seep in and swarm around his head, waves in the air scrambling around his thoughts.

Ichimatsu’s gaze meets his own, an almost identical expression to his normal one, but there’s something off. “Wrists.”

Jyushimatsu blinks, then holds up his arms questioningly. The others stare, and he moves to look too. And then gets why.

“To think you were suffering, so silently!” Karamatsu continues, squeezing his eyes shut as if pained. Ohh, he sounds like he’s actually going to cry, with his voice all choked up. “I’m- sorry, I should have noticed-“

“Jyushimatsu, you…” Choromatsu swallows, then looks away. The room’s weird and awkward. Jyushimatsu tries not to pay attention to the weight of it draped across his shoulders, heavy like he’s carrying buckets of water and trying not to spill them everywhere. He holds up his arms in front of him, deep in thought. They’re longer now, and sadder almost, scorched deep into the skin on both arms.

“They got clearer,” Ichimatsu says, staring with a hard gaze. “From Tuesday. You can really see them now.”

“Ah, yeah.” Jyushimatsu frowns at them slightly. Lots of lines. More than before.

“I-Ichimatsu, you knew-?!” Karamatsu starts to splutter, but a scathing glare cuts him off.

“They’re not his,” he says, then shifts a little, something sad reflected in his eyes. “It wasn’t him who…”

There’s a moment of silence. Jyushimatsu wants to brush his fingers across them to see if they’ll smudge away under his fingertips, but he’s too afraid that they won’t.

“Wait, then it was…his…soulmate?” Todomatsu asks, frowning. “But that’s…that’s really not good. Is this supposed to be some weird way of contacting him? Don’t most people just get a scar stamp for that? Just to imprint their names? Not…”

“That chick again?” Osomatsu leans down and takes Jyushimatsu’s arm, pulling a face and running a hand over the scars easily. It feels like it should hurt, but it doesn’t.

“Would somebody really communicate just like that?” Choromatsu stares in discomfort. “Why not just do one or two? I mean…that many is kind of dangerous.”

“It could still be a cat, right?” Jyushimatsu grins at them, slowly trying to pull back his arms. He suddenly feels like he doesn’t want them to see. They’re not his to show.

“…Yeah,” Ichimatsu says after a few seconds of silence. The others just stare in some kind of awkward pity. Jyushimatsu isn’t sure how he’s supposed to feel, having this glimpse into the life of someone he’s supposed to have a special connection with and having just this revealed. Mainly he thinks he just feels sad. She’s sad. He doesn’t know her but he doesn’t want her to be sad.

After that day, Jyushimatsu sticks to wearing his hoodie, keeping the sleeves down at all times. He can handle the heat. It’s not much to deal with compared to the reason why.

-

Karamatsu joins him whilst he sat on the roof on the Sunday evening. He doesn’t realise at first; he’s too busy staring into the dark sky and letting his thoughts merge into the stars, but then at some point he realises he’s sat next to himself but it’s not himself, and that’s when he realises it’s Karamatsu. It’s always difficult to see Karamatsu, he thinks. He’d make a good ghost, probably.

“Are you gonna sing?” he asks after a moment, grinning in anticipation.

Karamatsu smirks and puts a hand to his head. “Hm, not tonight, my brother. Our untouched words will simply be the only things filling this thermal air tonight.”

“Ah.” Jyushimatsu nods. “’kay.”

There’s another moment of silence, but it isn’t really that uncomfortable even though he’s sat with Karamatsu and Karamatsu loves to talk in any space he can fit in (which isn’t really that much). Then, “Are you going to try and find her?”

“Um,” Jyushimatsu says, then stops and thinks hard. “Should I??”

“She’s your soulmate!” Karamatsu exclaims, pulling some kind of weird pose when he says ‘soulmate’. “You are destined to meet! She’s as much as you as you are yourself!”

“But why?” he asks, then looks back to the sky.

Karamatsu makes a thoughtful noise, then speaks up again. “I think…you’re matched up like that at a time you need each other. Whoever is nearby, who you have the potential to love…that’s the person your soulmate becomes. Understand?”

“Then I should find her?” Jyushimatsu almost stands up to start searching, before he realises he’s on the roof and it’s late at night and Karamatsu is still there talking.

“You’ll meet when you’re supposed to, dear Jyushimatsu,” Karamatsu says with a confident smile. “As the stars mediate!”

“Why not now?”

“Hmmm, Jyushimatsu,” he says, tapping his forehead. “In baseball, you can’t swing too late or too early or you’ll miss the ball. See? You have to wait for the right moment.”

“Aah,” Jyushimatsu says, and knocks his feet together, leaning back a little. His gaze drifts to his covered arms for a little, and then lingers. The others don’t know yet that the lines have spread further up his arm, almost the entire forearm covered now. He doesn’t want to tell them. It doesn’t feel…right, to tell them. But he feels worried? Even though he doesn’t know her. “I hope she’s okay.”

“…Mm,” is all Karamatsu says, and they go back to watching the sky as it fades into a darker hue of blue, the lights creating small bursts of yellow light around the city. Jyushimatsu wonders if she’s watching the sky too.

-

The summer holidays start, and then so does the rain. It lashes down harshly, accompanied by occasional flashes of lightning in the morning, and Jyushimatsu watches brightly whilst they eat breakfast, enthusiasm growing with each murmur of the thunder. The rain hits hard against the glass and he watches the puddles rise. A good storm.

It settles down a little by the afternoon, but still it’s heavy, and Jyushimatsu sneaks to the door, ready to prowl, before someone catches him by his hood.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Choromatsu’s voice asks, and Jyushimatsu spins around with a grin, laughing.

“Gonna find snails!” he says, squirming to get out of his brother’s grip.

“Snails?” Choromatsu repeats, frowning. “You’re seventeen, not seven-“

“What’re you two doing?” Todomatsu asks, peering around the doorway. “Are you going out? You’ll die.”

“Nobody’s going out!” Choromatsu says in exasperation, and Jyushimatsu stares. “You’ll get sick, and if you get sick then we’ll all get sick.”

“I’ll be fine!” Jyushimatsu says, waving his sleeve as a disregard.

“The only people who would go out in weather like this either have a death wish or are total idiots,” Todomatsu says, pulling a face. “But if you are going out, can you pick me up some chocolate from the shop? Pl~ease!”

“I just said we’re not going out!”

“But Osomatsu-niisan ate what we already had-“

“Stupid? Are you stupid?”

Jyushimatsu looks between the two of his brothers, watching as their bickering grows, then takes a cautious step back. Then another. And then he flings the door open and sprints, laughing as he hears Choromatsu’s angry ‘Oi-!’ from behind him. Almost instantly the rain soaks into his hoodie and hair, and then he can hardly even tell that’s he soaked, other than the occasional drip rolling past his eye and the splash of the puddles up his legs.

After a while of running, Jyushimatsu decides to slow down. He doesn’t need to, not really at all, but he thinks he might as well since he’s already slipped twice and doesn’t want to end up breaking anything. The record for most bones broken amongst the six of them is still held by him, so he doesn’t need to bother with that too much. And it’s no fun when you can’t run places, or play baseball. So he slows into a walk, beaming through the watery mist. It’s really not cold at all. If he didn’t have to worry about his arms he thinks he could even take his hoodie off.

No one else is around, not even dog walkers, and Jyushimatsu strolls on through the park, swinging his arms happily. He reckons lots of people should be out in weather like this, since it doesn’t happen very often. It’s fun! Don’t they want to have fun too?

After a while he finds himself distracted looking for animals that only come out for the rain. Like snails, and some slugs. But it might be too wet for even them, since he’s finding it weirdly difficult to spot any shells scattered on the pavement. Can it be too wet for snails? You get sea snails, don’t you? Or is that something different?

The intense focus on the pavement distracts him to the point he almost doesn’t notice the person sat on the wall overlooking the river, and has to stop and look back just to make sure it isn’t some kind of rain-hallucination. But nope, it’s a girl! She doesn’t have an umbrella either, clothes and hair all wet, and Jyushimatsu wonders if he looks the same. Maybe she’s looking for snails too? Then she seems to notice him too, and turns, staring with a startled expression.

“Ah, you’re not a snail,” he says to himself, and then stops when he realises if he said that to himself out loud, then the girl probably heard it too. Ohh that’s probably not a normal thing to say. With a slight flush he scrambles to correct himself, laughing. “I mean, ‘cause I’m looking for snails! Have you seen any?”

She stares up at him through limp hair, and he can see her eyes, pretty and sad, and it takes him a moment to realise she isn’t replying. Something in her posture makes him think she’s scared, and he hope it isn’t because of him. Jyushimatsu peers over to look at the hard currents of the river below, almost white with intensity.

“Ohhh, that’s no good for swimming,” he says, and the girl blinks, eyes flickering to the water. For a moment it looks like she’s not going to reply again, which Jyushimatsu wouldn’t mind too much because he feels like he can understand her a little just by looking at her eyes, but then she looks back at him.

“Swimming…?” she asks, and her voice is very gentle and lovely and entwined with some kind of melancholy. And then Jyushimatsu panics, because was that weird it was probably weird first time he speaks to a girl in a million years and now he already said something weird because you probably wouldn’t even swim on a day like this it’s way too rainy aahh.

“Ah, well, you know,” he says, waving a wet sleeve and laughing. The girl blinks at him, almost like she’s sleepy, and not really sure where she is. He wants to keep talking to her. “What are you doing?”

“…I don’t know,” she says after a moment, then looks back at the water like it said something insulting.

“That happens a lot to me,” Jyushimatsu says, eyes still scouring along the wall for any adventurous snails. “Sometimes I forget who I am! Then I have to figure it out all again…kinda fun but kinda difficult!”

The girl looks at him for a moment, then she gives a soft smile that’s isolated to her lips. “Mm, it’s hard, isn’t it? But, do you know who you are now?”

“Jyushimatsu!” he replies, assuming an affirmative stance.

“I’m- ah.” She stops, and Jyushimatsu wonders if she forgot, but then she leans over to the underside of the wall and delicately lifts up a snail. “I found one. Is this okay?”

“Snail friend!” Jyushimatsu exclaims, and grins, taking it as carefully as he can before letting it sit on his hand. He almost rolls up his sleeve to let it go on his arm instead, but remembers at the last second why he can’t do that. “Wanna find more?”

“…Okay,” she says quietly, then slowly pushes herself back from the water, stepping back to the pavement. “It isn’t a good day for swimming, after all.”

“Right??” Jyushimatsu grins. “I swam in there a few times, but you’ve gotta be careful when it gets deep ‘cause the currents are strong!”

“Okay,” she says, stepping next to him easily. It feels like she was always there. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They walk on down the path, and Jyushimatsu slows down a little this time to patch her pace, not talking but letting their rain be their conversation. But they don’t need to talk, since they’re looking for snails. Though, it’s not like a snail would get scared of talking. Jyushimatsu looks to the one sat on his hand, making a slow loop over his fingers to his palm, leaving a momentary trail that washes away with the rain.

“Does it rain like this a lot here?”

“Aren’t you from here?” Jyushimatsu asks in response, looking away from the snail.

“Not really…I’m…” She stops, almost like she’s trying to remember something. “I came on the train. To see the storm.”

“Ah, right. It’s a good storm!”

“Mm.” There’s something faraway in her eyes. “I like the rain.”

“Only in the summer,” Jyushimatsu adds. “Or too cold!”

“You don’t see a lot of snails in the winter, do you,” she muses.

“Too cold,” Jyushimatsu repeats, shaking his head in dismay. And then it falls quiet again, and they keep looking, but it doesn’t look like there are any more to find. Which he guess makes sense, because there are lots and lots of puddles and they probably wouldn’t be able to find any.

They’re on another loop of the path when Jyushimatsu stops, falling back against the wall with a loud sigh. “Ohhh well.”

“He’s leaving,” the girl points out, and Jyushimatsu turns to see the snail sliding off his hand back onto the wall, persisting on past the jagged stones and going off to explore somewhere else. He solutes the snail, wishing him well on his journey. Then he looks back to the sky, and realises something.

“The rain stopped.”

“Oh,” she says. “It did.”

There’s silence as he thinks this over, and she seems to think it over too, and then he isn’t really sure what to say.

“…Maybe I should go home,” she murmurs, almost a whisper, and he wonders why she speaks so quietly when it’s more fun to be loud. “It’ll get cold soon. I…don’t want to get sick.”

“That’s what my brother said to me,” Jyushimatsu laughs. Choromatsu is going to be so mad. “I never do though! Ah, well, sometimes, but mostly not!”

Again she smiles timidly at him, but it’s nothing real, not in her eyes or cheeks. He wishes she’d smile properly. “I guess I’ll go.”

In a sleepy movement she goes to move a wet strand of hair away from her eyes, braid heavy and stuck to her shoulder. Jyushimatsu gives her a farewell smile, happy to have spent the afternoon with someone but then sad for another reason he doesn’t know, and then he catches the outline of bandages around her wrists through the see-through fabric of sleeves.

Then she turns around, ready to leave. Something in his brain starts running slower than the other parts and he loses the ability to think.

That’s-

????

That’s- her??

That’s her????

And- she’s leaving.

She’s leaving.

But it’s her-

“Ahhh-!” He almost jumps after her, but doesn’t quite manage to get his feet off the ground, stuck to the puddle. She stops and looks back at him, eyes wide and curious but maybe slightly cautious too, and he blinks, too aware of seconds passing filling up the silence which he can’t fill because really he doesn’t remember how to talk at all right now.

“…What is it?” she asks, and he shuts his mouth for just a moment, then opens it again.

What is he supposed to say???

That’s really her??? It might not be, it doesn’t have to be, he thinks it might be but then maybe it could be anyone else with bandages like that and didn’t Karamatsu say that it had to be the right moment is it the right moment now is he supposed to know that it is somehow because right now he’s just kind of ??? ??? ????

“Next time!” he says, then swallows and tries again as she keeps staring. “Next time- when it rains- you should come back!”

“Come back…here?” she asks slowly, and Jyushimatsu nods, trying not to look at her sleeves as his head dips.

“If it rains again,” he says again, catching his voice a little. “We can look for snails again! Right??”

“…Okay,” she says after pausing for just a moment, and Jyushimatsu almost forgets to smile he’s so surprised at the answer. “If I see another storm, I’ll come back again. It was nice to meet you, Jyushimatsu-kun.”

“Mm mm!” He nods again, and watches carefully as she smiles one last time, almost hesitating as she turns, before walking off down the path into the mist of the rain. It’s a slow walk, like she’s trying to decide whether to take each step as the last one ends. Jyushimatsu wonders if he’ll ever see her again. Probably? If they’re- if that was her-

But then he doesn’t know if it actually was, or maybe just similar, because there’s not a lot of chance to just meet like this-

But then what if meeting like this was because of the chance that it was actually her???

Jyushimatsu looks down at his sleeves, the dark fabric still wetly draped over his wrists, and traces the lines he knows lie underneath with his eyes. Maybe they’re the same. Maybe they’re the same as her.

That girl.

That girl…

…

Jyushimatsu frowns. He didn’t get her name.

-

Choromatsu starts getting mad at him.

When he came back the first time, the others had complained a little about how wet he was and the puddles and the possibility of getting sick, but it hadn’t been too much of a fuss. But after the third time he comes back from an empty storm, wandering the park and searching for a pair of lonely eyes, Choromatsu keeps guard of the door.

Time for extra innings.

“Why do you want to go out anyway?” he asks, carefully leaving no gaps for Jyushimatsu to slip through. An experienced challenger. “You’ve gone out every single time it’s rained this week. Why? You weren’t this obsessed before, were you?”

“I’m looking for things!” Jyushimatsu says, taking a step to the slightly wider opening on the left. “Searching.”

Choromatsu mirrors his step, blocking the way again. “For bugs? Why- actually, no, don’t answer that.” He sighs and crosses his arms. “I’m not letting you go out. It’s too late, too cold. You’ll definitely get sick.”

“Nah,” Jyushimatsu says lightly, waving his sleeve, but Choromatsu stays set.

“You’re staying in,” he says in that firm voice that Osomatsu likes to make fun of. “Don’t you have homework? I can help you, if you want.”

It would probably be easy to find some way of escape, some window or door or crack or something to squeeze out of, but Jyushimatsu has to consider the situation a little more. Choromatsu might get mad. Well, Choromatsu always gets mad, but if he does then maybe the others will take sides. Would anyone side with Choromatsu? Then there might be an argument. Good argument? But sometimes good arguments can turn into bad arguments before anyone notices. So maybe not worth the risk?? But-

The girl??

She might be there. What day is it?? Friday? Would she have been at school?? It rained three times this week and he went every time either before or after school and ran around the park over and over, until the water soaked through his uniform and bag and all his books turned into mush and the ink melted across the pages. She wasn’t there any of those times. But it’s Friday today. Will she be there today?

It’s tricky.

Choices are difficult and Jyushimatsu doesn’t like making them too much. Either he finds a way to get both, like with rice mixed into soup (it wasn’t that bad), or he just picks the same as his brothers. But this is a time where he can’t do both, so he has to pick the one everyone else is doing, and that’s staying in.

But – it’s still there.

Her eyes come into his mind a lot. Very sad. Very pretty and dull. Maybe looking for him now? Looking for snails. She might be there at the park right at this moment and he’s not and ??? What then??? Does she leave? Just like that? He’s not sure. It’s worrying.

The thought keeps a firm hold on him all night, the heavy glove of a pitcher not letting it slip, and he thinks about it even after the rain stops later that night, even after they all go to the bathhouse and even when they’re all bundled up in the futon when it’s dark.

What if she’d been there???

Jyushimatsu glances at Choromatsu, and he’s asleep like the others, but Jyushimatsu can tell even now he probably didn’t mean anything by stopping him going out, no mean intentions from him. He doesn’t know about the girl anyway- or, not really, just the part of her carved into his wrists, which isn’t really that much. Not enough.

But still. Rain stopped. Missed opportunity.

Is she sad?

He hopes she isn’t sad.

…She’s probably a little bit sad.

-

Thunders jolts him awake.

Everything is blue and misty when he opens his eyes, and he looks back at the others to try and figure out the time. All asleep. That’s not unusual. Maybe it’s early? But they like to sleep a lot anyway, a lot more than him even though they don’t really have as much energy as he does. But, that’s okay! He can be the energetic one. Yellow one.

Some more thunder from outside. Jyushimatsu rolls out the side with a thud onto the floor, then remembers he should probably be quieter because everyone is still asleep. He’ll try! Even though a lot of the time there’s a lot of things to trip over and crash into and it’s always way way way louder when nobody is awake.

It’s light outside, he notices looking out the window. But, only just. So it’s blue because it’s raining and misty because it’s early. Aah, but if it’s raining…

Jyushimatsu looks back at the futon again.

All asleep?

Pressing his mouth shut, Jyushimatsu pulls out his hoodie and shorts from their drawers, because if she is there he isn’t really sure he wants to be in his pyjamas.

It’s a good plan, a mostly quiet plan, and he gets to the door before he hears a noise and stops, waiting.

“…Where are you going?”

Sleepy voice, disorientated but direct, quiet and flat. Jyushimatsu turns back to meet eyes with Ichimatsu, other end-of-the-futon-er, and smiles.

“Out!”

“…What time is it…”

“Early?”

“Where are you going?” he asks again, but before Jyushimatsu can reply with an identical ‘out’, Ichimatsu opens his mouth again. “I mean…all this week.”

Jyushimatsu pauses for a moment. His big brother is good at keeping secrets, better than some of the others, and he’s good at helping him in schemes too. When they both forgot their homework, he helped him steal Karamatsu’s from his bag, even though they didn’t manage to give it him back until after he got a detention. And Ichimatsu is honest, but also a big liar. He can probably trust Ichimatsu with his secrets, but-

-does this secret belong to just him??

“Looking for something important,” he says, then nods. “Mm. Still looking.”

“…’kay,” Ichimatsu mutters, then puts his head back down.

Jyushimatsu almost leaves again, hand on the door, then stops again. It’s raining hard outside, and it mixes in with the heavy sound of his heart.

“What makes people run away?” he asks, and Ichimatsu doesn’t look up.

“I dunno. Stuff. Bad places. Sad things. Whatever.”

“Mm, okay.” He slides the door open like he normally does and blinks at the sudden loud noise. Right, still early. Still quiet. “See ya.”

“Mm.”

-

It turns out to be kind of cold outside after all. Even though it’s still summer – or, half-summer? what does it count as if it’s only the start of September?? – he still shivers as the rain soaks through to his bones. But, that just means he has to run faster to keep warm! Run fast around the park, past trees and puddles and grass and shadows and rivers and walls. It’s empty, so empty that it feels like maybe there won’t ever be and never was another person in the same spot he is now. And when he sees the shadow of another person, he almost thinks it isn’t real.

The outline is dark, maybe less blue than it would have been earlier but still kind of eerie, like it’s not there, just made of the mist of the rain. Like a ghost? Or something like that. Jyushimatsu stops and watches, and he can just about hear the gentle sway of the bridge the shadow stands on, the high water of the river rocking it gently like it’s cradling a baby. It almost just spills over to the wood of the bridge, to the soles of the boots standing firmly on it. Threatening to take her away in the current.

He doesn’t really understand it, but even though it’s pretty and soft it’s also a little scary to see, kind of dangerous, and he watches for a moment more at the stillness of the shadow only just broken by the bridge, before taking a step forward. There’s just a slight sound as he moves through the water on the bridge, but she jumps and spins around to stare at him. Her stare is frightened but then also maybe a little accepting of whatever she thought he was, but then she blinks and it turns to some kind of vague confusion.

“…You…” she breathes in, and Jyushimatsu grins.

“’m Jyushimatsu!” he says just in case she’s forgotten, and tries not to let himself be knocked over by the sway of the bridge.

“You’re really…here?” She frowns at him, and Jyushimatsu tries to think of a way to prove he isn’t just a fake version of himself before she shakes her head and looks at him again. It’s more direct this time, so maybe he doesn’t have to prove it after all. “It’s dangerous on here. You might get hurt.”

“Maybe!” He looks down at the water at his feet, and wonders if maybe any fish will end up on the bridge. That wouldn’t be good. If they stay maybe they can stop that from happening, but also they might end up under the bridge with the fish which also wouldn’t be good. “Do you like bridges?”

“…No, they’re scary.”

“Then let’s go back to the grass,” he says, and she stares for a moment more before nodding, following him back. “Haha, I fell off this bridge once! Scary, right?”

“R-really?” Her gaze is concerned, a look of real worry that Jyushimatsu wasn’t expecting. “That sounds terrible.”

“Nah, nah.” Jyushimatsu waves his sleeve and then stares at his arm. Was it that one he broke or was it the other one?? Probably doesn’t matter. “It didn’t hurt that much. Just cold.”

“Really,” she says again, but this time she smiles just a little and Jyushimatsu grins. The rain gets caught on her eyelashes and drips off to the puddles below, and he wonders how long she’s been out for. Maybe it was a long time if she’s already soaked like he is but then the rain’s heavy so it might not have been that long. There’s a moment of silence and Jyushimatsu wonders if they’ll just listen to the rain again, but then- “I…wasn’t expecting to see you again.”

“Ah?”

“I couldn’t sleep, so I ended up coming back here,” she says with a slow and soft voice, then blinks up at the sky. “It’s nice, isn’t it? So peaceful…”

“Early!”

“Mm, early,” she agrees with a slight nod. “Ah, but- it rained before, didn’t it? I couldn’t come because I had school…sorry…”

“It’s fine,” he says with a grin. So she wasn’t here yesterday after all. That’s good. “I did too! Boring, right?”

“Ah, mm, it’s boring.” She glances back at the bridge. “…I don’t think I like school very much.”

“Me neither! Too much sitting still and being quiet. Choromatsu-niisan says it’s important but I don’t like it.”

“Choromatsu…?”

“Ah, my big brother! I have lots of big brothers but I’m still not the youngest!”

“Do you have a big family?” she asks with an interested look, and Jyushimatsu nods eagerly. “That sounds…nice.”

“Mm!” He grins, and then looks ahead just for a moment, because it feels weird just talking to someone that might be or might not be the person he was looking for. No more bridges ahead of them, only trees. Then he feels her shiver beside him, and glances back with a startled look. “Ah.”

It might be better to say something, but he isn’t good at saying things a lot of the time because it’s easier to just do it instead, so he starts walking towards one of the trees at a pace he knows she can follow. For a moment he isn’t sure she’s following, but when he looks back she jumps a little and steps after him quickly, so they’re side by side.

The rain seems to slow down when he sits down under the tree, and she sits next to him almost obediently, far enough around the trunk that he almost can’t see her when he turns his head. It’s quieter now too, and he thinks if he wasn’t so alert and hadn’t just woken up then maybe he could fall asleep here. That’d probably make him get sick for sure, but- he’s fallen asleep in worse places.

“Oh,” she says after a few moments, and Jyushimatsu watches as she picks up something from the floor, and at first he thinks it might be a snail, but then he realises it’s just a horse chestnut, still tightly wrapped up in its shell. “These are nice, aren’t they? I used to collect them when I was younger.”

“But hard to break open!” he says, then routes around in the waterlogged leaves until he finds one too. “I tried to use my mouth, but I think it’s easier just stepping on them.”

“Your mouth?” She blinks at him.

“Ahhh, is that weird…??”

“No, it sounds fun,” she says with a smile, and Jyushimatsu grins back in relief. It’s too hard to figure out what’s weird and not weird sometimes. He’s glad she doesn’t seem to mind.

Jyushimatsu likes this girl.

It’s almost strange to imagine that before she was only just lines on his wrist that didn’t really have any meaning behind them, but now (he’s pretty sure) she’s the person he was looking for but not the same as he’d thought she’d be. Maybe it’s because he never really thought about it before? Before she wasn’t anything. But now she’s someone nice and cute and gentle. But then- she must also be sad. Isn’t she sad? If those marks belong to her…

“Sorry,” she says suddenly, and he looks back at her. She’s still smiling, but this time it’s smaller, apologetic. “It’s probably boring, sitting with me.”

“Eh? But, you’re not boring.”

“…Thank you, but…” She stops, then shakes her head. “Should we open them?”

It takes him a second to realise she means the chestnut, and he grins, standing up, before throwing his down at the floor with full force. Instantly it cracks open, the seed inside falling out. And it’s a good one! His brothers will probably be impressed. Or, they might be, if they still like these things. It’s hard to keep up where they are on the growing-up scale sometimes.

He expects hers to break just as easily, watching as she places it down carefully before using the heel of her boot to coax it open. But it stays shut. And again. And again? She frowns at it after the fifth attempt, picking it back up and examining the scuffed shell.

“It won’t open…” She turns it around, looking for a crack, but there’s nothing. “I guess I’m no good at it anymore.”

“Nah,” Jyushimatsu says, shaking his head. He almost wants to try and break it open for her, but it feels wrong to be so violent with it when it’s hers and she’s so soft and gentle. “The shell is good too! When you get it open it’ll be a big one! Those are always the toughest.”

“Ah, really?” There’s just a flicker of hope on her face, then she smiles sadly and looks back down at it. “Maybe that’s why.”

Jyushimatsu looks up at the tree to see if there are any more up there on the branches, and then realises the rain isn’t falling anymore. Drips from the leaves are still there, but nothing else. But if it’s not raining anymore then doesn’t that mean he shouldn’t be here? If they only meet up with the rain?? Was that just a onetime agreement? It’s confusing. He isn’t sure.

He looks back to see if there’s kind of hidden agreement he’s missed out on, but she’s still just staring back down at the chestnut. Does she even know the rain stopped? He doesn’t know when it actually stopped though, so maybe they both just didn’t notice. Can that happen?

“Are you gonna come next time it rains?” Jyushimatsu asks, and she looks up, blinking like she’s just woken up.

“Oh, it stopped,” she says, and he nods in response. Then it’s quiet for a few seconds. “…E-even if it doesn’t rain, it’s okay for me to come back here, isn’t it?”

“Ah?”

“B-because it’s nice here,” she carries on, not looking at him. “It’s better than…staying home all weekend.”

“You’ll come back?”

“Is it okay…?”

Jyushimatsu nods his head so fast it feels like his neck might snap. When he looks back up again she’s smiling, and it’s just a little bigger than he’s seen it before.

Soulmate.

He really hopes that’s who she is.

-

One two three four five six new scars.

Jyushimatsu likes that girl a lot. She likes doing fun things with him, things that the others sometimes say are too childish. He teaches her how to skip stones on the water, and then she gets good at it, even if she can’t quite beat his record. They eat ice popsicles even when it’s cold outside, and Jyushimatsu always gives her the free stick whenever he gets one, and she always shrugs with a small smile whenever she doesn’t get her own to offer.

But then sometimes at the end of the week, he looks at his arms and there’s more. Mostly higher now, looking for the empty spaces that still remain on his shoulders than the heavy scatter of ones on his wrist. He doesn’t go to the bathhouse anymore, and his brothers don’t have to ask why.

She smiles when she’s with him though. And that’s good, isn’t it? But then, he doesn’t know what happens when she goes back home, all through the week when they don’t see each other. Bad things, probably. Probably a lot of bad things. A lot of scars. Lots and lots and lots. Jyushimatsu thinks it must hurt a lot. They look like they hurt a lot.

Jyushimatsu wonders if he’d still like her even if she wasn’t etched into his arms, even if she was just a random person that he met and that was that and there was nothing more to it. He thinks he probably would, but, he doesn’t know. Stuff like that is weird. He never really thought he’d like anyone. Not someone so nice, so gentle. But, it’s still good, somehow.

She’s also forgetful. Jyushimatsu gets that, because sometimes it’s just really hard to keep track of everything going on when something else is happening, like it’s hard to remember that other things might be happening whilst they’re off exploring some tunnel full of water that goes under a bunch of houses, carrying sticks to bat away cobwebs and then dragging them across the gate they eventually reach, answering the question but still not being that satisfactory, because, really, he wanted to see a demon.

That’s how she misses the last train of the night.

She blinks when she realises, stick still in her hand, then stares down at herself and frowns, almost disappointed in a way. Then she sits down at the edge of the water and moves her head down a little. “I’m sorry. I forgot.”

“Nah, nah, it’s fine!” Jyushimatsu grins and shakes his head, even though he doesn’t really get what she’s apologising for. It isn’t like the train’s going to be sad about her not being on it, is it?

“I…don’t know how to get back,” she mutters, and Jyushimatsu sits down next to her. She looks pretty even when it’s dark and she has cobwebs in her hair and water on her face. “I can’t…ask my parents, they won’t be home, and even if they were- I couldn’t…”

“It’s okay!” Jyushimatsu pauses for a moment. The options here?? Definitely could ask his parents to take her back, they’d definitely do that, but then does that mean she’s going home all alone for the night?? And going home at all, that’s not good because then he doesn’t get to spend as much time with her, and it’s fun spending time with her. “You can come to my house!”

“Y-your…house?”

“Um, if you want!” He laughs a little, waving a hand. Is that weird might be weird probably weird uhhh- “There’s!! A sofa! Downstairs.”

“No, I couldn’t do that…it’d be a problem-“

“No problem!” Jyushimatsu stares at her and hopes that she can see even in the darkness that he’s telling the truth. It’s no problem, not really, though Jyushimatsu has to be just a little bit worried about his brothers being there, because she’s very gentle and nice and he doesn’t know if that’ll mix well with the rest of them. But then, he thinks he can be loud, so maybe it’s okay?? “Do you wanna?”

“I-if it’s really okay, then…I mean, just tell me. If it’s not.”

“Let’s go!” Jyushimatsu jumps and grins at her, and she stares back with wide eyes, then smiles just a little. This might go wrong. Might go very wrong, but, at least she won’t really be alone this time! No scars if she’s here.

-

“I’m back!!” Jyushimatsu yells on instinct when he shuts the door behind him, then realises that maybe it’d be best not to be so loud when he’s trying not to draw attention to his guest. “Ah, you can go in.”

“Is it okay?”

“Mm, yeah!”

He leads her through to the front room with a watchful gaze to the stairs, making sure none of the others have come down yet. Probably he won’t be able to keep them away all night, but just for a little while is better than nothing.

She seems almost too polite to even sit on the sofa and first, and Jyushimatsu has to insist again and again in a kind of loop, grinning as she finally decides it’s okay, and he sits down on the floor, because it doesn’t feel right to get too close. It’s easier to look at her from down here, too.

Sometimes, it feels like she has a low aura around her, like she’s there physically but her thoughts are all somewhere far away, left behind and lonely. Those times aren’t good, but Jyushimatsu tries to keep happy enough for both of them. But other times, more and more lately, she’s upbeat and smiling, and likes to talk and laugh with him. And it’s like that too, tonight. Jyushimatsu doesn’t really get it, but it’s fun talking with her. Maybe even more fun than baseball?? He’d have to compare again to properly decide.

Except, after a while, her phone buzzes loudly in her pocket, and she jumps slightly, mouth shutting. Jyushimatsu watches as she slips it out her pocket and glances at the screen, and suddenly the relaxed aura fades away, leaving her staring emptily at the phone. Everything in her face changes, hardly enough to be visible but definitely enough to matter. She almost seems to forget he’s there for a few seconds, suddenly glancing back over to him.

“S-sorry, sorry. Um, it’s nothing to worry about, just my…” She pauses, and seems to struggle to know how to continue. “…It’s nothing.”

Jyushimatsu tilts his head, but doesn’t ask. It might not be something she wants to talk about. After all, Todomatsu uses his phone a lot but never says what he’s doing. Maybe phones are just secret places.

Even still, her phone buzzes once more, but this time she frowns and holds down a button on the side, and Jyushimatsu can just about see as the screen fades into black. She apologises once more with a light-hearted shrug, but it’s not as high spirited as before. But Jyushimatsu still has fun talking to her for a lot longer, even though he’s kind of one hundred percent sure that all his brothers are outside the door listening. If he pays attention, he’s pretty sure he can even hear them whispering to each other. Maybe there’ll be a fight later? Hmm. Could be.

She doesn’t mention the phone again for the rest of the night. Jyushimatsu isn’t sure what time it is when they both start to get tired, because he doesn’t move from the floor, letting his eyes just shut there. It’s not like he hasn’t slept in weirder positions. Like this is fine. It feels nice.

When she falls asleep, he wonders what she’s dreaming about. He hopes it’s something good.

-

When school starts up again, it’s still too hot. Each day is humid and long, and Jyushimatsu sits staring out of the window all day, longing for the weekend. Sometimes he thinks about how it’d be nice to take off his blazer like the other students, but he knows he can’t, even now. It’s not right.

Jyushimatsu isn’t really sure if things feel any different to how they’d been before, now that everything has kind of changed. Like last year’s summer, when he hadn’t thought about soulmates or anything like that, and it had just been buying ice popsicles on the way home and feeling too sleepy in the heat to do any homework. Keeping their window all night and hearing fireworks burst somewhere in the distance.

It’s kind of like that now a lot of the time, except now Jyushimatsu has scars on his shoulders and all the way at the top of his legs, hidden for the most part but vicious and angry. He imagines her hand on the blade whilst the cicadas buzz and it doesn’t feel right. This summer is good and it’s okay but it just doesn’t feel right. Jyushimatsu doesn’t know why. Nothing has gone wrong yet.

If he ignores all the bad feelings, then everything really is okay! He doesn’t get to spend all day doing fun things like making her smile anymore, but there are still weekends where the sun is awake all day, which is still fine. Sometimes her phone buzzes and she looks at it with a tight expression, but then sometimes she just completely ignores it. Jyushimatsu wonders who’s on the other side.

The water is clear.

“Can you see anything?” she asks, sat neatly up by the wall, knees folded and dress tucked around her ankles.

“Hmm.” Jyushimatsu looks for a moment longer, eyes narrowed, then shakes his head. “Nope! No fish!”

“Maybe it’s too hot?”

“Huhh, but the water’s cold,” he says, kicking his legs a little with a splash. It might’ve been better to take off his shoes before wading into the water, but it’s not too bad. And they’ll probably dry, so it’s fine. “You should come look too!”

“In the water?” She laughs, but pulls herself up anyway, bunching her skirt up as she steps beside him. “Ah, it’s nice…”

“Right? We should go swimming!”

“I-I’m not sure it’s really deep enough…”

“When it next rains?”

“Then won’t it be cold?”

“Maybe!” Jyushimatsu just shrugs and bends down back to the water, and soon enough she joins him, smiling softly at the water. It’s nice when she looks at things like that. Like she can see more than what’s there. “See anything?”

“I don’t think so…”

“Maybe the ducks know where they all are!”

“Maybe,” she says simply, then smiles again. Mm, yeah, it’s a good smile! Jyushimatsu wants to see more of it. Every day again and again and again. She should be smiling.

“I’ll go ask them!” Jyushimatsu exclaims with newfound determination, because if she’s happy then it’s good, he should keep doing it, so he takes a step forward into the deeper water, bending down to roll up his pants a little as he does so. Maybe he can take his shoes off afterwards, but somehow he doesn’t think it’d be okay to totally strip from the waist down considering his company. It doesn’t even cross his mind about what he’s doing, when he hears a noise from behind him, and then he looks back again but she’s not smiling anymore, and Jyushimatsu stops.

Did he do something wrong? It was only a few seconds ago, wasn’t it? But now she’s just staring at him, skirt dropped into the water, and Jyushimatsu blinks before he realises she’s not really looking at him at all. Her eyes are on his legs, and her face is kind of- maybe, distraught, or horrified, or-

“Ah.” Jyushimatsu shuts his mouth and glances down at the scar on his leg, and then back up into her trembling eyes. She looks every part of wrong – shoulders high and mouth open and maybe even tears and definitely pain pain pain. Jyushimatsu swears he can suddenly feel all the stripes seared into his body start to burn. The expression on her face keeps building and Jyushimatsu isn’t sure what to say, just stares as the girl he likes seems to tear herself apart.

“I- have to go-“

And then she blinks hard, definitely crying now as he sees the tears shine in the sun, and then she turns out the water and starts to run. Runs and runs and runs away over the grass and the pavement and keeps going until Jyushimatsu can’t see her anymore.

The water is still clear when he glances back down at it, and sees his reflection staring back at him.

Oh. Now she knows. Jyushimatsu figured it would have to come out at some point, especially in the summer when it’s hard to keep everything hidden, but somehow he never really thought it was going to happen. Like every day of just doing whatever could keep happening and that would be fine.

That’s- okay, then!! No more secrets. A step towards something else?

She ran away.

She ran away from him.

Ah, that kind of hurts. Is it supposed to hurt? It’s a bad kind of pain, worse than scraping a knee, worse than breaking a bone, worse than sliding in the mud and cutting the back of his leg to the point that it doesn’t heal properly, leaving a white mark in its place.

Jyushimatsu steps out of the water and listens to it drip onto the stones for a while, and then starts to walk home. The sun burns into him and he’s almost dry by the time he gets home, where the shade of the house washes over him. It’s kind of quiet. Are the others out? Maybe. It’s really nice outside.

He looks around in the hallway for a moment, unsure of where to go, and then finds himself walk upstairs before he really knows it. And then into the bedroom, by the wall, and he sits down.

When somebody opens the door, Jyushimatsu snaps back to reality and realises all at once that his legs hurt and the sun has already set outside the window, the room suddenly dark and lonely. Has it been that long…? It doesn’t feel like it. It doesn’t feel- like that happened.

“Jyushimatsu?”

He looks up and sees Karamatsu frowning at him, leaning down by his side. Ah, there. It’s just Karamatsu. Like normal. It’s like normal.

“Are you okay?”

“Yup!” he says, and tries to smile like he normally does, but then remembers that it’s still hurting a lot. “Fine, fine.”

Soulmates are special. People only have one soulmate, and they’re always a person who means a lot, who’s supposed to be with them, supposed to make them happy and things like that. That one person. They’re special.

Jyushimatsu has one, and she doesn’t really want him. She doesn’t want that, and he doesn’t know why. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t want him as her soulmate. Nothing was happy.

“Jyushimatsu?” Karamatsu asks again, and somehow he looks like he already gets it.

“She ran away,” Jyushimatsu says, and then slumps his shoulders and all at once begins to cry.

-

The others don’t talk about it, not really, but Jyushimatsu thinks they know anyway. Normally whenever one of them does something, the others find out about it sooner or later, so it makes sense that this isn’t any different. Everyone is acting normal too, so it should feel fine, but Jyushimatsu can tell it’s still slightly off. Why are things always not quite right? It’s weird. It’s disorientating. Bad.

After the cry he had with Karamatsu, where his brother looked sad and hugged him and said some things that weren’t too Karamatsu-ey, Jyushimatsu hasn’t let himself have another since. Just because he’s good at pretending, and if he pretends then the others won’t look upset for his sake, which is how he wants it to be. It’s just when he gets changed and sees the lines all over his arms that it feels kind of hard to forget, like he can see her alone in some dark room sad and hopeless with nobody to make her feel better. That doesn’t feel good. It’s like before when she was just scars, except now he knows she isn’t, so it makes it worse.

Todomatsu is the last to mention it. He comes into the room whilst Jyushimatsu loses himself in empty space, and sits down beside him, looking just a little worried.

“She had a phone, right?” he asks, and Jyushimatsu nods. “Maybe I can find her number? I can ring her, if you want.”

Jyushimatsu says nothing, because he isn’t sure if it’s okay to try again even after she ran away. Isn’t that too much? He doesn’t want to make her sad if she doesn’t want to see him. Still, Todomatsu types away on his phone for a few minutes, and then holds it to his head with a smile. Jyushimatsu stares, heart picking up a little, suddenly scared, but then Todomatsu’s face falls and he pulls the phone away, frowning at it.

“Sorry, Nii-san…the number doesn’t work. Maybe it was an outdated one? I just grabbed it from an old profile, so…”

Jyushimatsu just shakes his head, then tries to smile.

“…Maybe she was just scared,” Todomatsu says after a moment, looking at the floor. “Like, she wasn’t expecting it. She might just need some time.”

He thinks it’d be nice if that was the case. In lessons, when the scars are all hidden under his sleeves, he thinks about meeting her again, maybe in the rain, and she could be smiling big and bright, happy and everything okay. If she was still sad then he could hug her and make her feel better, or maybe he’d just hug her anyway. Except, she doesn’t come back, not even when it rains. Jyushimatsu goes to the park and waits a lot, but, there’s nobody.

One night, something feels wrong. It’s wrong before he goes to sleep, and it’s worse when he’s lost in hazy flickering images with his arms burning, definitely definitely burning now.

A dull and desperate sadness swirls around his neck, until he realises it’s actually just water. Only water, lukewarm and red. Something is fading away, something that’s maybe a long way away from here. It’s tiring. What is he waiting for? Is it going to happen soon?

Do you regret sending those pictures?

It isn’t good here.

Did you think that was the best you could do?

It’s lonely.

Did you think you could exist without hurting other people?

It hurts.

Did you think there was nobody on the other end-

And then, just as it feels like the plug is pulled and the water starts to drain away, he wakes up. Back in their room with the early morning sun bright through the window, ready for another hot day. Jyushimatsu sits up and stares hard at his arms. That wasn’t a good dream. All the way through he was tired, and now it feels like he didn’t sleep at all. But they still have to go to school. So Jyushimatsu stands up and tries to shake it off as hard as he can, heart beating hard in his chest.

Ah, yeah. It still feels really bad.

“…You don’t look good,” Ichimatsu says to him later, as they walk together to school, air stuffy and thick. Jyushimatsu just shakes his head, focusing on the path ahead of them. “If you don’t feel well, you should stay at home.”

He thinks about it for just a second, but it doesn’t feel right. Well, nothing feels right at the moment, but that probably won’t make it any better.

“He’s probably getting heatstroke or something from always wearing his blazer,” Choromatsu says, turning back to frown at him, but doesn’t expand on it. And then Ichimatsu stops mentioning it, so Jyushimatsu doesn’t bring it up again.

It doesn’t get better throughout the day. In first lesson he can only keep up a shaky closed-mouth smile, but by third he can’t muster up anything at all. Why is so bad? He can’t even explain to the others what he means, just that it’s bad, and to everything else they ask him he can only shake his head. Definitely words are hard sometimes, but right now he thinks they’re completely impossible. They melted away in the heat and left him with nothing but a distorted sensation. Like the sun is just going to collapse and leave the world in total darkness.

The day ticks onto last lesson, and Jyushimatsu can’t see or hear anything else around him anymore, completely engulfed by that feeling, the feeling of something terrible. And he knows he shouldn’t and that anyone could see if they looked over, but the skin on his arms feels uncomfortable in a way that makes him sad, so he rolls up his sleeves just a little, just to check.

It’s different. Definitely different. There hadn’t been very new ones on his lower arms recently, and even this morning he hadn’t seen anything different, but now he can see it, the sudden storm of lines in his skin that weren’t there before. New and sudden. And so many?

Why were there so many??

And she ran away.

Jyushimatsu rolls his sleeves back down abruptly, snapping back to reality. The teacher is still writing up on the blackboard and everyone else in the room is watching, but Jyushimatsu doesn’t think it’s that important anymore. It wasn’t really in the first place. Right now, he has to-

He stands up and hears the room pause, but ignores it, ignores everything and just starts to run. Jyushimatsu thinks it’s a good thing he’s good at running, because that means he doesn’t have to stop, and hardly has to slow down even though it’s so hot and he’s wearing his uniform still. The streets are mostly empty, probably because most schools haven’t let out yet, but when he gets to the station there are at least a few people around. Jyushimatsu stops then, breathing hard and watching the boards flicker up above.

What had she said? Which train was it, which school? One of the names looks vaguely familiar, and Jyushimatsu digs around in his pockets for all the change he has, slamming it down on the counter with a straight face. He has to be quick. He has to be quick or he might miss her, and if he misses her then-

Not good.

All the way there he watches the stations and the time pass by, heart still beating hard even though he’s not running anymore. Everything went so slowly today, like tar dripping, but now suddenly the clock won’t stop moving, on and on and on and on. He needs to go faster, to keep up with it. This is- serious. It’s important.

When he gets to the last station at last, Jyushimatsu has no idea where to go. But, he can’t stay still, not at all. So he starts running again, this time through streets he doesn’t know to places he can’t recognise. Every now and again, he has to stop, let himself breathe a little air and ask for directions, before he sets off running again. This is probably a time where the others would say he’s acting weird, but it doesn’t really matter since they’re not here right now and this is important.

And then, at last, he manages to find students. Students that are likely probably from the same school as her. They stare at him as he stops, shifting a little, raised eyebrows.

“What’s with this guy,” one of them mutters, and the other doesn’t say anything in return.

“Um-!” Jyushimatsu swallows, sucking in a deep breath of the humid air. “Do you know- with brown hair! And, freckles, um, big eyes-“ He tries to gesture to his face, tries to remember how to speak. “A girl??”

“Eh, no way, do you think he’s talking about…” One of the boys smirks, then leans forwards. “It’s really spreading that fast? Tch, and after we were so careful not to send them to anyone else. Huhh, I guess these things find a way, don’t they?”

Jyushimatsu stares. “You know her?”

“Well, maybe. You tell us.” He digs in his pocket and pulls out his phone, clicks a few times, and then holds it out in front of Jyushimatsu. “Look familiar?”

Everything suddenly feels very cold.

“Hnnm, well, you know, I think it’s a lot better when you don’t look at the face or anything,” he carries on, pulling the phone back away, though the ice in his throat doesn’t leave. “Like, the eyes? She always looks so bored and stuff, it’s a downer to look at.”

“And these are the only ones we got, since y’know, we can’t really take more pics since she messed herself up-“

Jyushimatsu thinks the best part of playing baseball isn’t the heart-pounding rush from base to base, or managing to catch a game winning ball right in the palm of your hand, even though that stuff is pretty good. No, for him, it’s probably that bit right after the ball is thrown, the moment of swinging, almost blind for a moment, and then hearing that crack as the wood hits firmly against the ball, the vibration of it apparent even before the ball flies up into the air to allow the ultimate homerun. It’s the sensation of that first hit - that’s definitely the best bit.

It’s also the part of getting that first hit in a fight, of throwing his fist forward and feeling and hearing it crack into the other person’s jaw. Jyushimatsu doesn’t really do serious fights all that much, because he thinks it’s more fun to just roughhouse and finish it when it gets boring, rather than there ending up a loser and a lot of injury. But now, he thinks it’s okay.

The crack is definitely good. Even if this one won’t be a homerun, it’s still a good hit, and the other boy stumbles back with a pained noise, dropping the phone onto the floor with another splintering crack. But now he's hit it, he has to start running. And his team is half of his opponent’s. Well, he has to at last see how it ends, doesn’t he? Even if it seems hopeless. Jyushimatsu is pretty good at baseball, after all.

This isn’t his first time fighting against so many people, because he has five brothers and Jyushimatsu has never really fought against any less than five before, but this time is definitely different. Because it’s a real and serious fight, and these two people don’t use good tactics. One grabs his arms to hold him back whilst the other hits him, and it’s a little hard to tear their grip away, but he does, because when they touch his arms it makes him feel sick, even if there’s fabric covering them, even if it’s not the same.

But even if he plays a lot and knows the rules and the techniques, Jyushimatsu can’t win a game against an unfair opponent. They trip him up and when his head hits the floor, the other steps on his chest firmly, and Jyushimatsu tastes the blood as a fist drives into his cheek and chest and chin.

Is a punch a strike?

But three strikes is an out, isn’t it? There’ve already been too many, so he must’ve been out for a while now. So why is he still on the pitch? Didn’t he lose already? Isn’t it time to go home?

No, no. This isn’t a game. This is real. This- matters.

She matters.

But Jyushimatsu isn’t sure how to get out of this one. Osomatsu wouldn’t fight like this, even if he got really really mad. It wouldn’t last this long. Maybe this was stupid, then? Another stupid thing…that’s what the others would probably say.

Ah, yeah. It’s probably stupid.

“Stop it!!” a sharp voice calls out suddenly, and the grip on his shirt slackens, the fist dropping just a little. Jyushimatsu blinks away his hazy vision and sees her standing there, stance firm, teeth grit, eyes desperate. “Leave him alone!”

One of the boys lets out a tight laugh, and drops Jyushimatsu backs down against the pavement. “What are you doing here? Time for another show?”

“Leave him alone,” she says again, quieter, with more force. “He has nothing to do with you.”

“Yeah? Well, he was looking for you, so I don’t think so.”

“Leave it,” she says, and Jyushimatsu forces his body to spring upwards, regaining his stance with a grin. Maybe now it’s time for reserves, instead? “Isn’t this enough?”

The two of them seem to consider for a moment, shooting a wary glance to Jyushimatsu who stares back with full energy, ready to keep it up for as long as it takes. It seems to put them off, which Jyushimatsu gets, because fighting for too long definitely gets boring after a while, so they turn around with bitter gazes, with a mumble of ‘he broke the fucking phone’ as they leave the street.

It’s suddenly very quiet, other than the drip of Jyushimatsu’s nose onto the path below. It feels a little too loud, so he moves his sleeve over his nose, unsure of what to say. He didn’t think this far ahead. He didn’t think he’d actually get to see her again.

She stays still for a moment too, eyes blank and glassy, before she slowly sinks down against the wall and puts her head in her hands. Jyushimatsu waits for a moment, before sitting down next to her, and then just waiting.

After a moment passes, her head rolls a little to the side and rests against his shoulder, in a way that could just be lazy or sleepy, but looks more like just giving up. He thinks it might hurt her neck, so he leans his own head to the side, so she doesn’t have to move as far. It’s still quiet, and Jyushimatsu can see just at the edge of where he sleeves end the wrappings of bandages. He hasn’t ever seen her in her school uniform before. She wears tights even though it’s summer, but Jyushimatsu thinks he already knows why.

“…I’m sorry,” she says suddenly, and Jyushimatsu glances over her way. “I didn’t mean to- I never…thought that I’d- that someone would-“ She chokes a little on her voice, and Jyushimatsu listens to the humid silence whilst she tries to recover her words. “If I- knew…I would have never…”

He can feel her body shaking against his, the emotion thick in the air, but still doesn’t know what to say. It’s like with Ichimatsu sometimes, sometimes there isn’t anything to stay. Just all the quiet. Talking to nobody and anyone who hears doesn’t have to admit they heard.

“I’m so sorry,” she says after a while has passed, voice soft and small. “I wasn’t trying to do this to you, I promise. I was only trying to get rid of them. To make it all go away. I’m sorry.”

Jyushimatsu is pretty sure there’s only one way to get rid of the scars from another person.

She leans her head forwards then, knitting her hands through her hair and letting the braid fall over her shoulder, shoulders shaking. It takes Jyushimatsu a few seconds to realise she’s not crying- or, not just crying. There’s unmistakable laughter slipping out from her mouth, watery and aimless.

“What am I doing,” she splutters, leaning back with tears dripping down her face. “How do I fix this?”

He isn’t sure what to do for a moment, because is it really okay??, but then he carefully reaches out and puts his hand over hers, just so she doesn’t forget he’s still there. “Don’t worry! Just keep the scars.”

Her breath hitches, and Jyushimatsu is worried he did something wrong before she flips her hand slightly, just enough so her fingers can wrap around the side of his, and then she really starts crying. It’s kind of the same as him. Loud and hard and uncontrollable. He can hear the apology in her sobs even though she doesn’t say anything else, and Jyushimatsu just tries to grin, because he doesn’t mind. If the scars suddenly weren’t there, then that would be the only bad thing. Maybe they could have not been there to start, but now they are, and they’re his too, so he wants them to stay. He wants her to stay.

Soulmates are weird. It’s still weird to think that the one stray line that had been drawn on his arm all those years ago is actually a person, and someone so good and genuine at that. And that even if now it’s sad, and it’s been sad a lot and a lot of pain and bad things and everything else, it stills feels okay to be together. Feels okay to have her hand in his own, even though she’s crying.

Jyushimatsu doesn’t mind. It’s sad but it’s nice because he knows she’s okay now, even if just for a bit. Nobody bad trying to hurt them. No more scars forming along his arms or legs. It’s okay, like this,

What did Karamatsu say before? People who need each other. People who have the potential to love. That’s what a soulmate is, isn’t it?

Jyushimatsu thinks he understands now.