Chapter Text
"I'm not strong enough."
Gabriel repeated to himself again and again and again, squeezing his eyes shut to remove the image of Sam's beaten, broken, shattered body. The darkness only made it worse.
"I'm not strong enough."
Gabriel ground out.
"Practically useless, a coward. I'm not strong enough. I wasn't strong enough. I'll never be strong enough." Gabriel surveyed his surroundings, looked at Jack, his nephew who he had already let down, just like everyone else he'd ever known.
Everything suddenly became too much and he started to back away slowly and then ran, not even taking the time to utilise his cursed, pitiful, useless wings.
Ran like the coward everyone thought he was. Ran like the coward he knew he was. Ran like the coward Sam had always believed he was more than.
Sam.
Gabriel stopped running and let himself fall to the ground.
Sam.
Why hadn't he been strong enough? Angels don't cry. Could even be called an angel? He had failed his father. He had failed everyone. He had failed the only one who didn't think he was a failure.
"We were supposed to love humans." He mumbled to himself. "But just how much? How much?" Gabriel rubbed a hand over his face and stopped abruptly when he felt something sticky. Shakily, he drew his hand back and stared at it blankly.
Blood.
Gabriel gasped, shut his eyes tightly and brought his knees up to his chest. "I'm not strong enough." He swore he heard Sam in the back of his mind saying, "Gabriel, I need you." over and over and over and over and a hundred times more, "Gabriel, I need you."
Sam needed him.
Gabriel shut his eyes and searched for any piece of Sam still alive, still present.
Sam needed him.
He had to do something.
Sam needed him.
No one had ever needed Gabriel.
He scoured every inch of the universe, he had to find him. His soul, his essence. He had to save him. There was nothing. Not a speck of life. Not in heaven, not in hell. Not anywhere.
Gabriel collapsed. He bit his lip to keep from sobbing, he should have just let Lucifer kill him back at Elysian Fields, it would have hurt less. He'd never felt such sharp, searing pain in all the millennia he'd been alive. Not when Kali betrayed him, not when Luci betrayed him, not when Asmodeus enslaved him, not when his father abandoned him. Never had he felt so wronged. He felt as if everything that had purpose had been ripped from his hands.
He should have saved him.
Sam had saved him countless times, and this is how Gabriel repaid him. Sam had been there when he "died".
Sam had cared.
It had taken Gabriel every inch of his being not to reveal himself to Sam that fateful even when Lucifer killed him. Sam returned, he stayed and he wept.
He cared.
No one had ever cared the way Sam Winchester did. When Ketch brought him to the bunker, it was Sam who removed his stitches, Sam who made him feel safe, Sam who made him remember. It was Sam who he killed Asmodeus to protect.
Gabriel suddenly jumped up, full of anger. Full of spite. He looked up at the grey and dismal sky and he yelled at his Father, summoning his blade for good measure, "Why did you give me this job? Why did you assign me to protect him? Why me? When have I ever done anything right? Why would you put something as precious as Sam Winchester in the care of a failure like me? Why?"
He sank back down to ground and stared at his bloody hands. The proof of his failure.
He wasn't strong enough.
He closed his eyes and knit together the wounds of Sam Winchester, healed every scratch on his skin, fixed him.
Gabriel formulated a model of Sam Winchester in his mind. He was perfect, but he wasn't real.
Gabriel was reminded of an ancient Enochian hymn that warned the angels of falling in love with humans. Playing around with the lyrics around in his mouth, he duplicated this motion with his archangel blade. He wasn't careful and ended up cutting his hand open.
A new sensation to be sure, as an archangel, pain wasn't a normal feeling. Surprisingly, it wasn't unpleasant. Gabriel looked down at his hand, at his vessel's blood mixing with Sam's and clenched his fist, watching mesmerised as their blood dripped down as one. He tilted his head as an interesting thought popped into his head.
He had failed, he was useless. Sam had died, and so, as was the custom during ancient Egyptian times, he should die as well. Accompany him to the afterworld, keep him safe there to make up for his failure on earth.
Gabriel knew his death wouldn't bring him closer to Sam, but he didn't care. He was allowed to delude himself and the thought of living without Sam was so much harder than he ever could have imagined. He couldn't fail anyone else if he was dead.
Gabriel walked back to the edge of the camp and memorised the faces of the people he would consider family. He didn't enter it, they'd be better off without him anyway. He slowly made his way back to his previous location, taking several minutes to reflect on his existence.
He'd made his peace with his decision, everything was in slow motion, everything was blurry, it was hard to concentrate or even see as he took the only weapon that could kill an archangel and thrust in straight through the heart Sam Winchester had stolen.
He could have sworn he'd screamed but he didn't hear a thing. The emotions he felt were unexplainable, peace and pain, shock and sadness.
-
If only he could have seen the way Sam Winchester was looking at him, not dead at all- just within the clutches of Lucifer, the horror on his face as Lucifer held him back.
If only he could have known that his brother had hidden him after bringing him back to life.
If only he had seen the tears Sam Winchester shed for him, again. The pain in his voice as he made it grow hoarse by yelling out for him, for Gabriel.
If only he could have seen that he was doing exactly to Sam Winchester as Sam Winchester had done to him.