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When Toni was five she remembers Sweet Pea roaring crying in his trailer, holding onto his stomach Toni was scared. The pair were playing with his penny racers, rolling the cars along the carpeted part of the trailer. It made for pretty bad friction but five year-olds didn’t know any better. Suddenly Sweet Pea dropped to the floor. He let out big cries. Toni ran to get his mother.
Sweet Pea kept repeating that it burned, it burned .
His mother lifted him off the floor, holding him close to her breast like a baby. The boy didn’t let up his wails.
His mother separated his hand from his stomach and pulled up his shirt to see what the culprit was. She gave him a knowing smile. “It doesn’t hurt that bad, baby.” She insisted, giving him a light kiss on the crown of his head.
“It does! It does! It burns!” He repeated, choking on his sobs. Toni stood scared in the corner. She didn’t know what was happening.
Toni caught a glimpse of her friends belly. He had a long red line across it. It looked sore and irritated. What was happening to him?
“Looks like your soulmate got their appendix out.” She told him. Sweet Pea kept kicking his legs, the older woman rolled her eyes at his dramatics. She lifted him off her lap and sat him on the sofa where he could cry himself out.
“What’s a soulmate?” Toni asked confused. Why was Sweet Pea’s soulmate hurting him. Toni doesn’t want a soulmate.
Sweet Pea’s mother looked at her with a confused look but it was soon replaced with a sad smile.
“Your uncle didn’t tell you?” She asked. Toni shook her head no, two bunches of curls shaking as she did.
Sweet Pea’s mother knelt down to Toni’s height. “Well, a soulmate is someone out there that is just for you. Someone who loves you and who’ll spend the rest of your life with you. And sometimes when they get hurt it leaves a little mark on you too.” She explained.
“And it hurts that bad?” Toni asked, afraid. She didn’t want to get hurt.
“Pea is just dramatic, it feels a bit like sitting in the sun. It doesn’t hurt”
“No I’m not!” Sweet Pea wailed.
Toni nodded understanding. “Do I have a soulmate?” Toni asked her.
“Of course you do. Everyone has a soulmate.” She told her with a smile. She stood back up and went back to her ironing. She had to support Sweet Pea somehow.
That night after her bath Toni stood on the bed in Grandpa’s room to get a look at herself in the mirror. She couldn’t spot on marks like the one’s on Sweet Pea. In fact she never even felt anything burn before. Her soulmate must be really careful.
****
When Toni was nine she had given up on the idea of having a soulmate. Everyone else around her would get little marks, to prove they were there but she never once got any. No one can be that careful, can they? She never even had red knees before, everyone has to trip and fall. It was the only way this all made sense, she doesn’t have a soulmate.
She’s accepted it. She’s fine with it. Except it hurts when her friends try to compare their marks with people in class to see if they might be soulmates. So far no one has met their soulmate but they have the chance to. Toni won’t get a chance.
Valentine's day is the worst. Their third grade teacher read them a story about two soulmates finding each other across the country and then made them draw a picture of what they thought their soulmate looked like. Toni got an incomplete and a scolding after class about not taking part.
Toni didn’t tell her that she didn’t have a soulmate.
How many people actually find their soulmates, Toni wondered. Most of the adults she knows haven’t met theirs. She can still find love, she just won’t be their soulmate.
That night when she was in bed her back started to burn. At first she didn’t think much of it. Her clothes don’t get washed with fabric softener so sometimes they itch her skin. But it didn’t feel like an itch.
Upon realising that she ran out of bed and into the bathroom. She pulled off her nightshirt and awkwardly stood on the lid of the toilet to see her back in the mirror.
Her heart hurt when she saw a red imprint of a belt on her back. She was familiar to the sight but never on her own skin. It seemed sore, she felt bad for her soulmate.
She had a soulmate.
She was supposed to feel happy, she thought that she would feel happy if she ever had a soulmate but she didn’t. She felt bad. This isn’t what she wants. She wanted scratches on her knees and bumps on her arms like the other kids.
Toni wondered if her soulmate was okay.
****
Toni was 14 when it all go to be too much for her. Her dad was trying to get back in her life and her uncle won’t talk to her anymore. He keeps locking her out. All because she likes girls too. He didn’t care, Fangs says people like him are small minded.
She spends the night in his place. They’re sharing the bed together. No one seems to care about that.
During the night she finds relief in Fangs single bladed razor on the back of her calf.
She didn’t think about anyone else in that moment. She didn’t think about Fangs’ mother’s white towels she stained, she didn’t care to think if anyone found her in the bathroom, she didn’t think about her soulmate who would have to carry this scar on their body too.
****
Six days later Toni regretted her decision in Fangs’ bathroom. Not because of the talk Fangs’ mother forced on her after suspecting something different happened in that bathroom or the concerned looks her friends threw her, it was because of the burning feeling on her arm.
They were sitting in English. It’s boring and the teacher seldom teaches because the class breaks out into anarchy. Toni used it most of the time to catch up on much needed sleep. Feeling the heat on her arm she rolled up her sleeve.
She hadn’t felt any burn or seen a mark since she was nine. Sometimes she forgets she even has a soulmate out there.
When she rolled up her sleeve she saw 3 bright red lines just above the bed in her arm. They burnt worse than the other mark, she suspected these ones won’t fade like the other one had.
One of the girls in front of her shot her a sympathetic look.
Toni felt guilty, like she gave her soulmate this idea.
After that day on it wasn’t an odd occurrence for another red line to be added under the others. Sometimes Toni wishes her soulmate went back to not leaving a single mark. It hurt less then.
****
At 15 years old Toni wondered if her serpent tattoo would scar her soulmate.
She hoped it wouldn’t scare them away.
****
When Toni was 16 there was a week where it felt the burning never stopped. Red marks formed along her arms and the backs of her thighs.
She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if she should tell someone. What was she meant to do? Who was she meant to tell?
She asked her friends if there soulmates had given them any scars. None of them had anything to the extent she had. Fangs had a surgical scar on his elbow and a scratch behind his ear. Pea had his infamous appendix scar and a few chicken pox ones.
She showed them hers. Fangs was close to tears and Sweet Pea gave her a small sad smile before the pair of them pulled her into a big bear hug.
They told her she shouldn’t have let it fester that long. That she should have told them.
They had a sleep-over that night. The helped her apply the numbing cream over the burns each time they came. It seemed like it didn’t stop for the longest time.
The trio sat in Sweet Pea’s bed up against the wall, hugging each other close.
****
Toni was by herself when she felt the burning again. They had stopped for two weeks, she felt happy. She thought it might’ve been the end of it. She was too optimistic.
She should know by now not to be optimistic.
She couldn’t take it anymore.
How could her soulmate do this to themselves? How can they be suffering this much? Was there no one out there for them?
The burn intensified, more than it had ever before. It was never more than an irritation before but she couldn’t handle it. She ran out of the trailer, it was too hot in there.
The cold, winter air hit her. The thin sleep shirt she slept in wasn’t suited for the bitter chill. She spotted a half drank beer bottle on the decking edge. Without thinking twice Toni shattered the bottle against the deck. The smell of alcohol wafted around her, sticking to her hand. It didn’t bother her. She wouldn’t let it bother her.
She picked up a shard from the deck, as best she could see in the moonlight. She lifted her shirt up just above her hip and carved into it.
She didn’t feel the pain of it. She didn’t feel the crimson drip down her leg. All she could feel was the burning.
It stung later once the burn had faded and she admired the heart on her hip.
Maybe this would let them know someone cared.
****
Toni was excited when she started in Riverdale High. Northside High was nice, it was a home for her but it was a god awful school. This school would give her a better chance. It would help her get further than a bartender.
She shouldn’t have been surprised when the posh, prissy, princesses of Riverdale High stuck their noses up at their arrival.
She knew who she was, the whole town knew who she was. The red queen, scorned. Cheryl Blossom.
Toni didn’t like her. She was a bitch, she lived up to the legend.
Toni didn’t like that she was so stupidly attractive.
****
Toni thought she was alone in the locker room. She hung out in the school gym later after school, she doesn’t have to pay a membership there. She knew River Vixens practice was on at the same time so the locker rooms shouldn’t be locked up quite yet.
She was careful about her time, she waited until 15 minutes after the practice had ended before heading into the locker rooms and taking a shower. The water pressure there wasn’t the best, albeit better than the trailers at Sunnyside, so Toni was aware of the sounds around her.
She stopped the water nearly immediately after starting it. She could hear sniffling like some was crying. Feeling a little uncomfortable Toni dried herself off and got dressed before making her way out of the locker rooms.
Red hair caught her eyes. Despite Riverdale having an above average population of redheads she knew almost immediately who it was.
She knew she should run, her mind told her but her heart told her otherwise. Toni always listened to her heart.
Stupid heart.
“Hey are you okay?” Toni called out, gripping onto the strap of her bag. She was ready to run if the situation turned.
She saw the redhead draw closer into herself. “Go away.” She ordered, anger evident in her voice.
Toni’s brain told her to leave then and there. She tried her best but this Cheryl girl isn’t her friend. But Toni listened to her heart.
“Is there something wrong?” Toni tried again. The girl simply sobbed.
Toni sighed and walked down the length of lockers to sit down next to the girl.
“I understand that there’s probably a lot going on in your life right now. It must be hard.” Toni told her, staring straight ahead.
Cheryl scoffed and picked at her leg. “That’s an understatement.” She grumbled.
Toni nodded. It was.
“You can talk to me about it if you want.” Toni told her.
“I’m loveless.” Cheryl whispered. Toni almost didn’t hear it. Her brow furrowed.
“What? That’s not true.” Toni argued.
“Yes it is.” Cheryl countered. “Even my mother thinks so.”
“She sounds like a monster.” Toni commented.
“She is.” Cheryl agreed. “But she’s right.”
Cheryl pulled her knees tighter. Toni looked down to the floor but something caught her eye. Cheryls shirt hung loose of her chest and the pale sliver of flesh peaked out. A red heart was burnt into her hip.
Identical to the scar on Toni’s.
Toni’s breath caught in her throat.
Cheryl Blossom was her soulmate.
“No one will love me.” She whispered. “I push people away.”
“What about your soulmate?” Toni asked.
“My soulmate wouldn’t want to meet me.” Cheryl told her, she seemed certain of that. She shook her head and wiped her eyes as she said that.
“I’m sure they would.” Toni offered. “Maybe they already have.”
Cheryl looked up at Toni. Her eyes gazed over Toni and locked onto her arms. Toni knew she recognised them.
“Can you forgive your soulmate for that?” Cheryl asked pointing to the burnt scars decorating Toni’s arm.
“Of course I could.” Toni answered immediately. “I was never upset with them.”
“Even though they’ve scared your body forever?” Cheryl asked a sob building in her throat.
“Even though they’ve scared my body. I’ve done it too. It’s how it works.” Toni told her.
“I’m sure your soulmate regrets it. Maybe she was in a bad state of mind, maybe she - or I mean they-he didn’t think about their soulmate when they did it all.”
Toni smirked as Cheryl fumbled over her words.
“I understand.” Toni told her, placing a hand over Cheryls. They locked eyes for a moment before Cheryl looked down to her wrist.
Toni watched as Cheryl rolled up her sleeve revealing scars that matched Toni’s. Cheryl met Toni’s eyes, the pair of them had tears in their eyes.
“I think I might be your soulmate.” Cheryl said in a small voice.
“I think you are too.” Toni whispered.
“I’m really sorry.” Cheryl told her with thick tears coming from her face.
“I am too.” Toni told her taking the girl into a hug.
“You made me stop though. Your heart, it made me stop.” Cheryl told her, not breaking the hug.
Toni always followed her heart and Cheryl had hers.