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It was somehow apt. Louis had begged him to take him outside, so he could see a final sunset. Harry had been reluctant. He'd wanted to keep Louis safe, to pretend this wasn't happening, that the sun wasn't actually setting on their time together. Louis had begged and pleaded. Harry had seen a flicker of life back in Louis' blue eyes as he'd described so beautifully how he wanted to watch the sun, a fiery ball of love and light, dip below the horizon, sending its light over someone else.
Harry had had to leave the room at that point. Louis was preparing him, this much he knew. He wasn't naive. He knew Louis' time on earth was coming to an end, and he was desperate to make this as easy on his love as he could. Harry's heart ache, and he missed Louis already, despite the fact he was just in the next room. He took a few steadying breaths, and stepped back out, plastering yet another empty and vacant smile on his face.
They might have been in their corner of paradise, in Louis' favourite place in the whole world but Harry felt like he was in the vestiges of Hell. All he wanted was to turn back time. He'd give everything, every single thing he owned in this world, to stop this, to make their future different. But he couldn't. He was stuck on this path, this inevitable path of grief and loss and sorrow, and there was no way off. He had to stay on until the bitter end, until he was alone and forging his own way in the world. A world without Louis.
There was once a time when Harry couldn't quite comprehend what life would be like without his Louis. They'd met at just 16, 18 for Louis, and that was it. Harry was completely gone for him, that much was to obvious to everyone around him. Everything Louis did made Harry fall deeper in love with him. Harry thought that there was never a more beautiful sight on Earth. Louis' eyes, his smile, his everything - Harry loved it all.
Even as Louis got more sick, lost weight, lost his sparkle - he was still beautiful to Harry, he never stopped shining to him. Harry hated it. He hated what this was doing to his Louis, and he would have taken it all away in a heartbeat if he could. He'd paid for the most expensive doctors, experimental therapies but it was too late. He'd kept it together at the hospital, listening to those fateful words, watching as Louis had crumbled. But Harry had been stoic. He'd taken it in. He's absorbed it. He'd let the reality that he'd have to say goodbye to Louis sink in.
Then he broke.
It was Louis who had found him. On the beach, screaming up to the sky. Begging them to take him instead, because he didn't want to live without Louis. Louis had screamed back at him. Told him that he wasn't scared, that he just needed Harry. They'd cried together. Held each other. Wiped tears, kissed lips, touched hands. There was an inevitability to what was happening, and Harry was powerless to stop it. It frightened him, the idea of a world without Louis. But it was closing in.
~
Harry scooped Louis up in his arms, and tried not to react to how little his wonderful Louis weighed in his arms. He looked like a shadow of the healthy, energetic ball of life that Louis once was, but Harry chose to ignore that, seeing the beauty behind Louis' pain. He kissed his lips softly as he carried him down to the beach, his laboured breathing drifting up to Harry's neck.
The beach was peaceful. It was Louis' sanctuary, their safe place, their haven. There was something soothing about the rhythm of the ocean lapping at the shore, their footprints staying in the sand until long after they’d left, leaving their own little imprints on the world. Harry wished he could somehow frame them, preserve them to prove that Louis was there, he was real, he was once with Harry, side by side.
Now though, as he walked him towards the ocean, there was only his. It was oddly ominous, Louis already somehow disappearing from Harry’s life. Where once there was two sets of footprints, now there was one, Louis cradled in his arms, too weak to move himself from the house to the water. The wind rustled in the breeze, a silent reminder to them that the world was still turning, life moved on.
Harry stood just before he got to the edge of the water. Louis’ fragile arms were looped around his neck, holding on, and he turned his head slowly, looking out at the horizon, at the indeterminate space beyond. They stayed silent. There was no need for words. Both of them knew what this meant, what was coming, and no matter how much Harry didn't want for this, it was happening.
“Don’t be scared, love,” Louis said, and Harry lowered them both to the sand, Louis nestled between his legs. They both dug their toes into the white sand, watching as they disappeared. Despite the warmth of the day, Louis shivered. Harry lifted off the hoodie he’d put on for this reason and wrapped it around Louis’ slight frame. Louis smiled up at him, eyes sunken but still utterly magical and beguiling. Harry blinked quickly, willing the tears away.
“How can I not be scared? We said forever, Lou. Now I’ve got to do it alone, and I don’t know how. You’ve always guided me, put me on the right path. Now I gotta choose the right one on my own, and I don’t think I can do this without you.”
“You are the bravest, strongest man I’ve ever known Harry. I love you so much and I can go knowing you’re going to be fine because I’m still in there, yeah?” He rested a shaky hand on Harry’s chest, above his heart, and Harry let the tears fall. “You know I’ll always be there, forever and always. Wherever you go, I go, remember?”
Harry couldn’t speak, he just nodded. Louis took his hand and laced their fingers, bringing them around his waist. They didn't speak again for a while. Louis’ breathing was laboured again, and he suddenly clutched at his head, a sudden blinding pain shooting through. Both of them were used to this, and Harry just waited it out. He knew Louis didn't like fuss.
“I wanna stay out here tonight. I need to see it one more time.”
“Don’t say that, Lou. It’s not the last-”
“It is, Harry. I know you hate it when I say this shit but it’s close. I can feel it, but I’m not scared. I’ve got you here with me, what do I have to be scared of?”
“Leaving me alone.” Harry answered honestly, tears still falling down his cheeks. “I don’t wanna be alone, Lou.”
Louis shuffled around painfully, ignoring the screaming protest of his muscles and leant his side against Harry’s torso, his legs now draped over Harry’s. The contrast between was bigger than ever, and Harry hated the outward reminder of Louis’ fragility, how he’d changed so quickly and drastically from the man he was, to the shell he’d become.
They talked for what felt like hours as the sun sunk low in the sky, bathing everything in a soft orange yellow glow, the only noise being the waves, the rustle of the trees. Harry trickled the sand between his fingers, watching as the grains fell back to the sand, slipping through his fingers like the time he had left with Louis.
Night set in. They were exhausted, Harry could feel the ache of tiredness in his bones, but he didn't allow himself to fall asleep. Every moment left was precious, and he was determined not to miss anything. Everytime Louis startled himself back to reality, Harry said a small prayer of thanks, hoping they’d be there to see another sunset together.
“I want you to bring me back here, when I’m gone,” Louis said quietly. Harry just blinked, his gaze unwavering as he stared out to sea. “I feel at home here, Harry. I want to be here. Will you do that for me? Bring me back here?”
“I don’t know if I can-” Harry began, his voice shaky. “I want to remember this place for the memories we’ve made, not you leaving me.”
“Love, it’s the last thing I can ask of you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this is all on you. I’m sorry I’m leaving, but I need your help, one last time?” And how could Harry resist that? He nodded, pushing the thought of it out of his mind, how he’d be returning alone the next time he came here, without his Louis. That he’d never return with him again.
It was early morning now. Birds were chirping somewhere in the distance, and there was longer now between Louis’ breaths. Harry was frightened. Something inside him told him this was it, that it was nearly all over. He wasn’t ready. He’d never be ready.
The very start of the sun started to peek up over the horizon, shedding light of a brand new day. Harry shut his eyes and tilted his head back, Louis’ head still resting on his chest.
“Sing to me, love,” Louis said. “Our song. I know it makes you cry, especially now but I want to hear your beautiful voice. Nothing makes me happier. I love you Harry, so much. Sing for me?”
Harry took a couple of deep breaths and nodded, knowing exactly which song Louis wanted him to sing. It had come out just after Louis was diagnosed. It had come on the radio, and he’d watched Ed perform it at the Brits, and he’d wept. The lyrics were too close to home, too raw, too real. But somehow, Louis found it soothing to have Harry sing those words to him, told him it stopped him from being scared.
“....Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved...”
His voice wobbled as he sung those lines but he swallowed quickly, and carried on. Louis squeezed his hand, shutting his eyes and relaxing back into Harry’s embrace. His ear was pressed against Harry’s chest, the rumble of his voice soothing.
“So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my love
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home”
They’d changed the word to love together. It felt fitting that Harry could sing it to Louis, and the fact that Louis was his love, his one and only, his everything, made it easy.
“ I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived...”
Louis’ grip on his hand loosened slightly, and Harry sang on. He paused for a moment, whispering down into Louis’ ear.
“I love you Louis. Always, it’s always gonna be you and me. I’ll carry you with me wherever I go, I’ll take you with me, I promise.”
Louis smiled softly, and Harry sung on, softly, repeating some of the lines he loved, that meant the world to him, regardless of the fact they weren’t in the right place in the song. Harry leaned down and pressed a soft, tender kiss to Louis’ lips. They were dry but somehow warm, and he still tasted like Louis.
He felt as Louis’ chest rose and fell. He waited. Waited for the next breath. It never came.
He shut his eyes and felt his chest shake with his sobs, eyes scrunched up in the most unimaginable pain he’d ever felt. He couldn’t move, couldn’t let Louis go. He knew if he moved, then this was real. His Louis was gone, everything had changed and he’d lost him.
The last of the sun rose then, and despite his pain, Harry appreciated it’s beauty. He hoped wherever Louis was now, he could see it and could feel its warmth, its hope of new life. That somehow, somewhere, Louis was watching this too.
He started to sing again, voice shaking and raw from crying, but never before had the words meant more.
“ ...You got to see the person that I have become
Spread your wings
And I know that when God took you back he said
Hallelujah, you're home.
“ Fly high Louis, my beautiful beautiful angel. You’re home, sweetheart.” Harry wrapped his arms around his Louis once more, and sat there.
The sun was rising on a new day, yet setting on Harry’s hopes and dreams, taking Louis with them.