Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Baekhyun: *running, like actually sprinting to the walking group, all going to the practice room

Baekhyun *panting: hey guys, I'm holding a camera because the manager thought it would be a good idea for me to film the daily lives of Exo

Baekhyun: also to make sure we don't do anything stupid, but I'm going to use it for its non-intended purpose- Imma film something stupid . I have a question

Kyungsoo: kill me now

Minseok: motherfucker I dare you, I couldn’t live with them without you- my killing partner

Kyungsoo: good to know you only love me for my excellent murdering skills

Baekhyun: you know the term "emotional constipated"?

Chanyeol: well yeah

Jongin: why?

Baekhyun: what's the name for being not emotional constipated?

Minseok: Junmyeon

Jongdae: no, that’s just constipated

Junmyeon: wow. So offended right now

Yixing: emotional diarrhea?

Baekhyun * brings the camera to his face, showing an angle from below his jaw: gasP geNIuS

Chapter Text

Bambam: Ah fuck!

Mark: are you alright? You sounded like you were in pain.

Bambam: yeah, I got an eye-quill in my eye

Jaebum: Your what

Bambam: You know? My eye-quill.

Jackson *trying to be helpful: Do you mean your eyelash?

Jinyoung: he fucking better mean his eyelash

Bambam: No, my eye-quill bitch!

Yugyeom: I honestly think he’s lost his mind

Mark: Well aren’t you a little hypocrite of a maknae

Jinyoung* forcefully sits Bambam down: We gonna help this poor lil’ bastard, I refuse to have my second kid be an idiot just like my youngest baby

Yugyeom: ouch

Bambam: I don’t understand the problem, all I said was my eye-quills got in my eye?

Jackson: Yuggie may be right, I think we lost the kid. Well, I claim his closet!

Youngjae: I’ll take his pets

Mark: I’ll take his apartment

Bambam: bitches!

Jaebum: Really? Eye-motherfucking-quills?

Yugyeom* laughing his ass off:   I think it was just eye-quills, Hyung

Jackson: That’s it, that is now our new twitter handle

Youngjae: I agree, it is truly genius

Bambam: I’m feeling attacked right now

Jinyoung: You’re about to be attacked for real, if you don’t understand that ‘eye-quills’ isn’t a real term

Bambam: Are you calling me a liar?

Jackson* scrambling to say it: huehuhhuehuehueEEHUE I ain’t calling you a truther!

Yugyeom: eyyyyyyyy

Mark; eyyyy

Youngjae* takes a deep breath: eeeeeyyyyyyyy!

Jackson* grins, takes a gulp of air: EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy

Jinyoung* pinching the bridge of his nose: I hate these kids

Jaebum* staring at the floor in front of him: mhm

Bambam: I still don’t get it, is eye-quills wrong? Have I been lied to my entire life? Is my life a lie, who am I? Am I really Bambam?

\ \/ /

/ /\ \

Yugyeom* afterwards, slides Bambam a twenty: good job Hyung, I told you we’d get em’ good

Bambam: was I lying?

Yugyeom* runs and causes the chair he was sitting on to tumble to the ground

Jackson* from under the table, pats Bambam’s leg proudly: You did it my child

Chapter Text

Jin* barely opens his mouth: Boys, I have the best joke to tell you kids!

Yoongi: Stop

Jin: But Yoongi-

Yoongi: No

Jin: Yah! can you just listen to my jo-?

Yoongi; No, no I can’t

Jungkook: Well Jin-Hyung, Yoongi-Hyung has a point

Jimin: Oh yeah, and what is that?

Namjoon: Yoongi-Hyung has finally told Hyung that around him, we simply- cannot

Jin: Because I’m too funny? *erupts into squeaky laughter

Taehyung* blank face: Hilarious.

Namjoon* sighs into the oblivion: Calm, be calm Namjoon, calm your-goddamn-self

Jimin* cracks a smile: Heeeeee

Hoseok* has his sunshine smile: dammit Jiminie

Jungkook: I’m proud of you, Hyung! How long was it Taehyungie-Hyung?

Taehyung: Yeah, he made it about, mmm.. ten seconds without laughing at Hyung’s “jokes”

Yoongi: Good job kiddo.

Hoseok: We- are- just so proud of you

Namjoon: Alright, alright, that’s enough guys

Jimin: But Namjoon-Hyung, it’s actually really fun to mess with Hyung

Taehyung; Very

Jungkook: He blushes very prettily, and his mad face is adorable

Jimin: It’s strangely cute

Hoseok: I swear, our maknae line is pure trouble

Jin: Strangely cute, Prettily, adorable? I’m a God

Yoongi: Well

Jungkook: I wouldn’t go that far

Yoongi: He’s handsome

Taehyung: But Godly? Nah

Hoseok: Ooh, the TaegiKook trio has struck

Jimin; I honestly disagree with everything they just said

Jin: thAnK yOU Jimin-Ah, Namjoonie why aren’t you defending your Godly Hyung??

Namjoon: I didn’t bother because I knew it was a joke

Taehyung: pFT-

Jin *scoffing: When did my dongsaengs stop respecting me?

Taehyung: We still respect you as our Hyung, and an artist

Jungkook: But at times, your jokes can get a little bit- uh hyung?

Hoseok: not annoying, not bothersome- ah fuck, Namjoonie?

Namjoon: As a group of barely adult boys, we do need some quiet. But it doesn’t mean we don’t like your jokes, just we’d love to talk to you, have a conversation- or a comforting pat

Jin: well damn, that was cute!

Jin: oOh, wait

Jin: Yoongi? Do you feel the same?

Yoongi * pauses: Yeah, what they said.

Jin* lowkey spazzing out: The goddamn grumpy baby loves me…!

Yoongi has a small smile, one that they couldn’t notice if they didn’t know Yoongi so well: yeah- you keep believing that Hyung.

Chapter Text

Kihyun: boys, I’m not mad- not yet at least- who in the fuck ate my food

Jooheon* snaps his head up at the mention of food: well, not me

Changkyun* raising his hand: Minhyuk-Hyung was eating something earlier

Minhyuk: traitor!

Kihyun*gritting his teeth painfully: so- did you eat it?

Minhyuk: uH no?

Hyunwoo: If you did you can say it, Kihyun won’t kill you- I won’t let him

Minhyuk: what about hurting me?

Hyungwon: He isn’t a God, not even a God could save you

Jooheon: he’s right

Changkyun: sadly yes

Hoseok* bursts out laughing

Kihyun; Lee Minhyuk..

Minhyuk: yeS fine I did, b-but Hoseok and Hyunwoo ate too!

Hyunwoo: um

Hoseok: son of a bitch! What happen to ride or die?

Minhyuk: you let me die, I’ll take you bastards down with me even if it’s the last thing I do!

Hyungwon: It very well might be

Changkyun: I’m not sure I want to witness a murder

Jooheon: because then you’d have to tell? And go against Ki-Hyung?

Changkyun: no because he’s a messy killer, he’d get my shoes dirty and I’d rather not have to clean them again after the last time

Hyungwon: last time?

Kihyun: Changkyunie go lay down

Changkyun* has a light smirk on his lips: sir yes sir

Jooheon: you enjoyed that name too much hyung

Hoseok: ey I did too

Minhyuk: Kihyun no-

Static, Changkyun walks into the room holding a sign, and positions it over Kihyun and Minhyuks forms on the floor. “We are sorry, we happen to be experiencing some technical difficulties.”

Chapter Text

Jackson: I’m offended

Mark: cool

Bambam: why, did someone eat your food again?

Yugyeom: Ooh, a comma and a question mark

Bambam *yelling across the room: fuck you!

Mark: I heard my name?

Jackson: um heLLO

Youngjae: Hey! What’s happening?

Jackson: nothing, I just wanted to yell at you

Jinyoung: I swear I leave this house for ten seconds it everything goes to shhhhiiittttt

Jaebum; you’ve upset him so much that he dragged his words out

Mark: look what you’ve done to our loyal, sane and doesn’t at all hate us in anyway- Jinyoung

Youngjae: even I have to admit, that’s a stretch

Jackson: you know, like what my tight jeans do after I wear them once?

Jinyoung: Jackson Wang, I will beat your ass to make you realize how much we love that ass and you

Bambam: I love that you put him and his ass separate

Jaebum: I loved when I didn’t hear your voices every minute of every day

Mark: I relate

Jaebum: I also remember when I hated it

Yugyeom: awwwww! And now you love it, right?

Mark: no, now we despise it

Jackson: fuck I felt that

Youngjae: damn

Jackson: damnnnnnnnnnn

Jaebum* thinking: I’m so gonna regret this.

Jaebum: dammNNNMNNNNNNNNN

Yugyeom: we’ve turned him over to the dark side

Mark: Jinyoung isn’t gonna be happy

Bambam; the only time he’s happy is when we aren’t around

Youngjae: actually, only when you aren’t around is he truly happy

Jinyoung: ah my beloved child, you know me well

Youngjae: :D

Bambam: I’m an abused baby

Jackson: to be fair, I ain’t never seen a baby have such long ass legs

Mark: this bitch is lookin’ like a full string bean

Bambam: I admit- I have no idea what that is, and even though it’s probably true- I’m offended, and these allegations against me are harmful to my career

Mark: and by default- to our careers too

Yugyeom: God, we’re tied together for basically the rest of our lives

Jinyoung: I regret ever joining JJ-Project with these people

Youngjae: get ready, because you’re gonna be stuck with “these people ” for the rest of your life! Because even if one or all of us don’t renew

our contracts, we’re all too used to each other by now

Jackson: you are never, ever getting rid of us

Jaebum: hilarious.

Jackson: at your house that you just bought

Yugyeom: we’ll be there

Mark: at your wedding

Bambam: you betta bet your fine ass we’ll be there

Jinyoung: I would never bet my ass for anything, regardless of how sure I am

Yugyeom: your funeral

Youngjae: we’ll be there!

Jaebum; he’s more likely to go to your funerals

Jinyoung: he is right

          As if on cue, the five members get up and just leave.

Jaebum: did they just

Jinyoung: get off their asses and leave? Yes

Jaebum: guess you could say they bounced away

Jinyoung: bye

Jinyoung: I expect child support.

Jaebum: you’d be lucky if I gave you a single corn chip for these children

Jinyoung: bitch betta have my money

Jaebum: I’m done, I’ve been done for the past few years. But now that I have kids- grown men- I feel like twenty years have been scratched off of my life and I really just wanna lie down and never get back up

Jinyoung: mm cool

Jaebum: wow-

Chapter Text

Minseok: You know, sometimes I get envious of Yifan, Lu, and Tao.

Jongdae: Why? Because Luhan has a girlfriend? Or that Kris and Tao can rap about whatever they want?

Baekhyun: Maybe because you’re jealous of Yifan’s beautiful bald head

Jongin: iono, Kyungsoo wins for me

Sehun: me too, man

Junmyeon: I agree

Kyungsoo: thanks

Yixing* from China: yoU lOOK grEAT HONEY

Kyungsoo* shouting at the window: Thank you!!!

Baekhyun* whispering softly with feeling: Soo-Boo, mah manz is beautiful, bald or not

Minseok: No, because they can eat whatever they want, and can curse freely

Chanyeol: ah- that makes sense.

Chapter Text

Interviewer: So, how was your first night together as a debuted group?

Jaebum: ah well, it’s been so long and um- Jinyoung?

Jinyoung: um, we uh

Yugyeom:....cough

Youngjae* in English: yeAH MAN

Mark* thinking: I’m not sure we can tell them...

Bambam: I’m really not sure

Jackson: weLL- we got home and had a passionate night-

Mark* slapping his hand over Jackson’s mouth:  playing a gaME OF MONOPOLY

Jackson: It was actually Uno, but fine

Jaebum: I hate them

Chapter Text

Junhong: It’s okay, I don’t even care *cares very much

Chapter Text

Taeyong: Yukhei, if you don’t put that down

Yukhei: I’m Lucas, and Yukhei-

Yukhei: also no

Yuta: and you have like eighteen other names

Mark: I wonder if that was an intentional pun

Johnny: I wouldn’t count on it

Sicheng: Yuta-Hyung has never been the smartest

Yuta: mmmmmmhhgg

Ten: did he just fucking growl?

Mark: eureureong…

Johnny: eureuREONG

Jungwoo: hehe

Kun: I’m leaving

Taeil: oh my god

Taeyong: I fucking hate my life

Jisung: Fucking?

Chenle: :))

Ten: ohohoohhoohhoohh this’ll be fun

Yukhei* raising his hands up: thAT WASN'T MY FAULT

Dongyoung: this time

Donghyuck: I take no responsibility

Mark: weren’t you the one who taught Lucas-Hyung the curses anyway?

Taeyong: well?

Donghyuck: no I didn’t.

Renjun: yes he did

Jungwoo: maybe he was trying to help.?

Yukhei: Yeah, sure honey bun

Taeil: you two are disgustingly cute

Kun: why is everyone ignoring that Taeyong-Hyung was the one who said fuck?

The seventeen boys stop, and just stare at him for a few seconds.

Before immediately returning to their original conversation.

Jungwoo: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Yukhei: and I’m a romantic boy too, but Jungwoo will fuck someone up though

Ten: when he’s says “romantic” he means greasy as fuck

Johnny: look who your boyfriend is

Ten: did- did you just out yourself?

Yuta: look who your boyfriend is

Sicheng: proceeds to show you how much of an idiot he is

Mark: ah young love

Taeil: you’re young! Unlike me

Jeno: ooh I sense salt

Mark: I don’t got time for any relationship

Chenle: Donghyuk-Hyung rn-

Yukhei: hA

Johnny: that’s fucking great

Ten: me

Sicheng: it looks like Mark whenever he debuts again

Chenle: more salt?

Jaemin: definite salt

Jeno: mmMmmmmMmhHHHHhhh

Renjun: Sicheng-Ge?

Mark: slammed

Johnny: des-fucking-troyed

Jaemin: disintegrated

Yukhei: Ooh ohh me toooo

Yukhei: umm???? Papaya?

Jungwoo: Christ um-

Jisung: demolished?

Yukhei; thanK KID

Yuta: demolished

Yukhei: why

Jungwoo: If you weren’t my Hyung I’d would have fucking destroyed you

Yuta & Ten: don’t you mean demolished?

Kun: * thinking: How am I going to lead a group? I hate everyone here.

Donghyuck: hA

Johnny: shut it curly fries

Donghyuck: bitches! All of you

Yuta: am I supposed to be hurt by that?

Dongyoung: yeah if anything I’m goddamn relieved

Jungwoo: what happened to not cussing in front of the kids?

Yukhei: pumpkin, you curse all the motherfucking time

Jisung: oh? Is that where you learned it from?

Taeil: no, he got it from Hyuckie

Taeyong: Donghyuck….

Donghyuck: donghyuck? Hyuckie? My name’s Haechan bYE

Taeyong: boY

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: come on

Kyungsoo: no

Chanyeol: I just wanna pick you up, and cradle you and make sure no one ever hurts you..

Kyungsoo: I do a good enough job on my own

Kyungsoo: he-Hey! Put me down

Chanyeol: don’t hit me! Stop!

Kyungsoo: Put me the fuck down and I won’t have to!

Chanyeol: mmmmmm nope

Kyungsoo: you fucking tall green bean put me down!!

Chanyeol:....am I a tall green bean? Do I look like one..?

Kyungsoo: Fucking Christ

Chapter Text

Hoseok was showing his fellow dance line member a move that the younger couldn’t get down; so like the amazing Hyung he is- he willingly and happily helps.

The practice room smelled of sweat, the scent almost reminds Hoseok of the boys locker room back in high school.

Which may or may not have been one of the worst thing he has ever smelt.

In the middle of showing Jimin a move, Hoseok sharply rears his elbow back, and hits soft flesh.

“Huh?” He turns questioningly, he sees the younger holding his face with a small amused smile.

It takes him second to put two and two together.

Jimin is on the floor, Hoseok hit something- fuck.

“Shit! A-fuck- are you okay?” Jimin laughs quietly at the older’s panicking form. The concern from the other warms him from the inside.

Hoseok gently grabs Jimin’s face as he squeezes the younger man’s cheeks; his dongsaeng holds up a thumbs-up next to his puffed cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” The muffled squeak causes Hoseok to chuckle, the worry slowly leaving him.

“Alright, Jiminie, just one thing?” Jimin eyes turn curious, pulling himself off the floor.

“Hm, Hyung?”

“Try not to get hit by my super strong elbow next time.” Neither last a moment before they dissolve into laughter.

The writhing pair on the floor, it almost (it does) looks like an insane asylum to Yoongi who walks in- and walks straight back out.

Chapter Text

Taehyung: would it be weird to introduce myself to someone through jazz hands

Yoongi: through jazz- you’re fucking insufferable

Taehyung *sadly jazz hands away

Yoongi: I’m fucking leaving.

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: what’s worse, Kyungsoo not speaking to me, or Soo yelling at me?

Sehun: is that legitimate question?

Chanyeol: sure

Jongin: I can’t deal with either if I’m being honest, I like Kyungsoo talking to me- not scream- well, not yelling at me

Baekhyun: in this outlandish scenario, is he chasing you with a knife?

Jongdae: silent treatment knife chasing, or yelling knife chasing?

Baekhyun: I’ve experienced both multiple times, doesn’t matter to me

Minseok: how do you manage to piss him off that much?

Junmyeon: Wait a minute- multiple times?

Jongdae: is that what all that screaming is? And here I thought you and Soo were having fun

Minseok: ugh

Chanyeol: I don’t think I needed that image in my brain

Jongdae: LiES

Sehun: you did, we all did

Kyungsoo: I’m really leaving this fucking group goddammit I hate all of you

Yixing: :(

Kyungsoo: I love you, Hyung, Minseok-Hyung and Junmyeon-Hyung can stay, Jongin and Sehun-Ah too, the rest can die violent deaths

Baekhyun: isn’t that only Yeol, Dae and I?

Chanyeol: I’m so fucking offended! You put me with these people? The fuck

Jongdae: these peop- excuse me hoe

Yixing: I don’t mean to interrupt your little talk, but Soo is searching in the kitchen.

Minseok: Ah the fucker is gonna get a knife

Junmyeon: the fact that you already know his plan worries me

Jongdae: fuck

Baekhyun: ehhhhhhhhhhghhhhhh help us! If not us then help me

Sehun: mm still no

Chanyeol: I’ll have to say

Chanyeol: good luck every man for himself!

Baekhyun: mmhm

Jongin: Dae is already gone btw

Sehun: is that screaming?

Minseok: Yeah

Junmyeon: joy.

Chapter Text

Himchan: Jongup, what are you doing?

Jongup: Making ice cream sandwiches!

Himchan: But with- with bread and ice-ice cream..?

Jongup: no, I’m pretty sure it isn’t made like this, but this is how Youngjae-Hyung and Daehyunie-Hyung wanted me to make it

Himchan: I’m gonna kill them

-

Chapter Text

• 
  
  
  •   Xukun totally calls his person babygirl/babyboy.
  •  I can feel it in my bones
  •  (Totally not because of that horrible song)
  •  this bitch may start to say it to point where it becomes a lil annoying but everyone would put up with this shit because it's him and  if you wouldn't you iz cray
  
  
  •  listen, he to me- is low key high key a babyboy
  •  ey if I can even kinda see Minseok like that, I can damn well see Xukun like this aite
  
  
  •  Yanjun being the greasy cheesiest(?)bitchass of a ball ever
  •    Maaannnnnnnn someboy help Xukun, and basically everybody in his group (pst follow BC221 and Awaken-F! My tol baby Bufan is debuting in BCC211, and Qin Fen is debuting in Awaken-F)
  • This child is need of guidance, he’s stRESSED
  • Zhengting needs a wine break
  • if I had to care for Justin and Chengcheng for iono how many years of my life I’d need one too
          
• My little babyboy, Nongnong- he is actually my child
• • despite being older than me and somehow is taller?
  • Like dafuq? He looks like he should be 5’6/7 just by face alone
  • His voice, mmmmmm girllllll
  • that tie.. Jesus
  • help them (and me)
  
   
  
  • Daniel # 2 over here is a flirtatious lil bastard, but for some reason I get the feeling he’s a bit shy
  
  
  • Maybe secretly a lil insecure?
  
  
  
  • I see him having a bit of a problem with needing to be perfect.
  
  
  • it’s a problem I see a lot with people who were in survival shows.
  
  
  • Staged or not, it’s still very stressful at least in my opinion
  
  
  • this bitchass needs cuddles,
  • a fuck ton of them so be ready hoes.
  
  
  • Cue Ziyi sitting in the corner sad, because his “bro” isn’t with him
  
  
  • I swear, everytime they talk about each other which they do constantly a little bit more of their gay shows
  
  
  
  • actually that whole song gave me NCT firetruck vibes.
  • Also known as what murdered my ass
• • What’s new? Personally, I didn’t even know that Linong and Xukun were a ship for me until a bitch saw those fucking adorable photos
  • this was supposed to be general headcanons but turned into a steaming fucking mess
  • these boys make me cry
  • okay but wait a minute was a song that needs to be heard
  • I don’t even know if it was Zhengting or not but the first “Wait a minute” reminded me so much of Taeyong from NCT that I had to pause for a second and scream
•  
  • Fucking pricks
  • I was just watching that shit not knowing it was yuehwa
•  
  • I knew it was a group that spawned from idol producer like mr-x (don't get me started)
•  
  • Imagine my shock when goddamn Chengcheng, Zhengting, Justin, and Quanzhe (He reminds me so much of Kim Minseok it’s insane, cept’ hes a lot taller although that's not difficult) show their faces
  • The pain
  • But let’s get back to the headcanons
  
  
  • Linong is very sweet, and pretty innocent and Zhengting tries his hardest to keep Yanjun and Zhengjing from corrupting the boy
  • With varying degrees of success
•  
  • The time Linong asked “Ge, Yanjun-Ge said my face was sexy as fuck and in need of loving? What does that mean?” Cue Mother’s heart attack
•  
  • Zhengting may not look like it, but he’s the most terrifying out of the team
•  
  • Even Ziyi cowers from his wrath.
•  
  • Yanjun is somehow less afraid when Ting is mad, and is more scared of when he’s back to normal
  •  walking around with that comforting and sweet smile.
  • In Yanjun's mind, Zhengting is waiting for the right moment to murder him (Betta watch your ass Yanjun)
•  
  
  • So I just looked up their ages and holy shit, Zhengjing is the oldest? The shit? I feel like my life has been a lie
•  
  • I can’t anymore

Chapter Text

Jackson: sO! You’re telling me that, you, Park-fucking-Jinyoung- is playing JYP Superstar, and your best card isn’t yourself?

Jinyoung: Basically.

Mark: Why?

Jaebum: What’s worse is that it’s a fucking Bambam card

Youngjae: Jesus, where has our Jinyoungie-Hyung gone off to?

Bambam: I’m honored!

Jinyoung: Mmm, well; I have a four star S card of myself, and one fully leveled up card of me, but I refuse to eat whatever I feed myself.

Jackson: We’re gonna ignore how he’s speaking, right?

Mark: Yeah

Jackson: mm gotcha

Jinyoung: bUT, I have an R 99 Bambam card because that bitch eats everything

Bambam: Less honored

Jinyoung: I’ve tried everything, from Jacksons, to Taecyeon-Sunbaenim cards- and still nothING

Bambam: whAT

Bambam: There must be something wrong withchu

Jackson: buT the real question is; did I eat Taecyeon??

Youngjae: I’m both disappointed in my group, but also so very proud.

Jaebum: wow

Yugyeom: What the fuck is wrong with you

Jaebum: Not even the Taecyeon cards?

Jinyoung: i knOW

Mark: The fuck?

Yugyeom: uh

Chapter Text

Ten: Shit! Is Taeil dead??

Kun: WHat? No no no no no no please

Taeyong: nO I CAN'T SURVIVE WITH MY ELDEST HYUNG- and my oldest son..

Mark: CHrist, fuCK UH

Chenle: is-is anybody there, or is it just you, Hyung?

Ten: oh I’m not there, it’s Yukhei

Donghyuck: oh, that’s why he’s dead

Renjun: mmm yes it all makes sense now

Sicheng: can-can he do CPR?

Johnny: It’s less if he can do it, and more of would you let him?

Yuta: The bitch is kinda our last option here

Jisung: How does one do CRP??

Jaehyun: well,  I heard doing it to the beat of stayin’ alive is one of the best ways

Yukhei: false, Jungwoo hates doing it to music

Jaemin: no

Mark: oh dear fuck

Kun: Can I go die with Taeil please

Jeno: take me with you

Kun: sure why not

Jungwoo: actually Jaehyun is right!

Johnny: about which part?

Taeyong: Is it wrong of me to say I’m not interested in those details

Donghyuk: no, that’s just being a normal human

Yuta: iono

Sicheng: no

Yuta: aite

Chenle: damn hes whipped

Ten: that was not an plead for details btw

Yuta: damn

Kun: please

Jisung: oh, he’s not dead he’s taking a nap

Sicheng: oh thank god

Taeyong: mother of god

Jeno: Ten-Hyung lied?

Ten: well he wasn’t breathing

Jeno: did you check?

Ten: nah I assumed

Ten: also how could I? A bitch said he wasn’t there the fuck

Chenle: wh

Yukhei: could I do CPR to the beat of chewing gum?

Jaemin: listen, that is one of like two title songs I’m in, so don’t you dare stain them with your dirty hands like that.

Jaemin: *please, Hyung

Johnny: smooth kid

Jaemin: uwu

Jungwoo: how cute.

Yukhei: I was just asking, I swear!

Renjun: lies

Yuta: yeah, I sense bullshit

Ten: agreed

Yuta: nvm

Donghyuck: wait hes nOt dead?

Donghyuck: damn I was already making an ebay account for all his shit

Doyoung: Do you have room for a business partner?

Donghyuck: no

Mark: yes he does

Donghyuck: uM no I don’t?

Sicheng: You don’t? Mm, that’s shame. Doyoung-Hyung and I were gonna join as a pair

Donghyuck: oOP I have space

Chenle: the power Sicheng-Hyung holds is awesome

Taeyong: honestly, he could plot to take over the world and I’d gladly help

Ten: this man could stab me and I’d still thank him

Jeno: same

Jaemin: wait

Jisung: I don’t deserve this

Mark: Be ready, Kun-Hyung, this is the life of being a leader

Jungwoo: Don’t scare him so much Minhyung-Ah

Yukhei: don’t scare him a little bit, scare the ever-loving shit outTA HIM

Kun: great.

Taeyong: I have like ten bottles of wine, and various other things to calm us leaders down! Don’t worry young one

Jaehyun: ?????

Yuta: and why have I never been invited to these drinking leader parties?

Ten: because who’d wanna invite your ugly ass, and also- who’d invite yOu when they have me? Like the fuck?

Yuta: you didn’t get invited either huh

Ten: no.

Donghyuck: gee I wonder why

Yuta: you got somethin’ to say child?

Mark: he means no wonder you didn’t get invited, neither of you are leaders as of now

Sicheng: no offense, but I hope you never are Yuta-Hyung

Yuta: yAH

Ten: hA my man believes in me

Johnny: you’d be a shit leader

Ten: tru

Yukhei: what ABOUT ME???

Jungwoo: Honey, no, I love you but I’d never willingly put the lives of any of our members- future or present ones into your hands.

Yukhei: 0–0

Jaehyun: I don’t understand how we went from Taeil-Hyung being dead to him taking a nap,

from Sicheng’s future world domination to our leader being a fucking alcoholic

Doyoung: evolution

Sicheng: but Taeyong-Hyung has horrible tolerance??

Renjun: yeah back to that

Renjun: I’d help, but I’d be a little mad that my plan for world domination didn’t work first

Kun: wait what

Taeil: what the fuck is wrong with you little fucks?

Taeil: shut up, and go the fuck to sleep you bitchy little gremlins

Yukhei: oof

Chapter Text

Daehyun: Okay heteros

Youngjae: You’re triggering me

Chapter Text

Jackson: well- you never told me nOT to do it????

Jaebum: he shouldn’t have to

Jinyoung: I dIDNT- I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO GO OUT AND HAVE FUN MAYBE RELAX!! I DONT KNOW! NOT STRIP AND WIGGLE YOUR ASS ON OUR GODDAMN COFFEE TABLE

Bambam: uh

Bambam: well um this is awkward, um guys?

Jinyoung: whAT

Bambam; this is Hyunjin, he’s a-

Bambam: *snorts

Bambam: a real big fan of yours, Hyung

Jinyoung: oh shi- ahEM, hello

Hyunjin: ^-^

Chapter Text

Sehun: You know when in high school movies the kid sings happy birthday to themselves?

Jongdae: “Happy birthday to me…” *insert sad ugly sobs here*

Sehun: yeah, like yes bitch Im singing to myself

Sehun: I’m the baddest bitch, and I’m happier around myself than most people

Baekhyun: honestly, big mood

Chapter Text

Yixing: (•-•)

Baekhyun: oMG what is thAT

Baekhyun: it’s so cute!!

Yixing: it’s me

Sehun: Hyung is saying he’s adorable, and I agree

Chanyeol: The uwu is real

Yixing: uwu

Jongdae: he diD NOT

Chapter Text

Minseok: See, Jonginie, I’m not like you

Minseok: I’m not forgiving

Minseok: The first thing I think of isn’t forgiveness, it’s whether or not to pummel them into the ground, or just plain rip their legs off

Jongin: what a toss up, Hyung.

Chapter Text

Taehyung: do think if you burp, a bat miles away can hear you?

Hoseok: wha

Yoongi: it’s six in the goddamn morning and we’re in a mom van going to practice- shut the fuck up

Taehyung: yaY NAP TIME

Yoongi: kill me.

Chapter Text

Yuta: Question: what is your spirit animal?

Mark: stressed. Ready to pass out at any moment and in need of a good cry and hours upon hours of Netflix and tubs of ice cream.

Yukhei: a chICKEN

Yukhei: oh

Yukhei: well now I feel dumb

Jungwoo: That’s not an animal, Mark?

Mark: Due to lack of sleep, and not nearly enough sugar- I declare that it is in fact a goddamn animal

Ten: that got pretty dark really fast holy shit

Kun: don’t feel dumb, know that you’re an idiot

Donghyuck: education.

Johnny: Do you need some ice from that burn?

Jaehyun: do you need a gag to shut the fuck up?

Ten: DO. NOT. ANSWER THAT JOHNNY

Ten: I will cut off your arm and shove it down your throat without a second thought.

Yuta: @Ten, he’d love it.

Yukhei: wAHt

Yuta: pft

Yukhei: fiTE ME

Jisung: Why did Yukhei-Hyung run out of the dorm sobbing violently?

Taeil: I’m more worried over why he was there to begin with?

Taeyong: uh huh

Johnny: probably trying to corrupt the children

Donghyuck: you’re here more than he is.

Johnny: shut up?

Donghyuck: no?

Yukhei: nO

Yukhei: I wasNT

Jeno: ye pretty much

Yukhei: LiESS

Yukhei: doNT BELIEVE THE MUNCHKIN

Taeyong; I believe you, Hon

Doyoung: he doesn’t.

Jaehyun: nope not at all

Yukhei: gOD

Chapter Text

Baekhyun: being attracted to an attractive person isn’t really just a social norm

Baekhyun: personally for me; being attracted to that person is more so the predator inside you recognizing those genes that will almost definitely insure your children will be nearly perfect

Baekhyun: But men cannot reproduce with other men, so why do we like attractive men?

Jongin: is it Yixing-Hyung again?

Baekhyun: ye

Chapter Text

“Fucking-!” Jongdae is attracted to the kitchen by all the screaming; because he’s the screamer in this fucking group, why are people trying to take his spot?

“The fuck is wrong with him?” Kyungsoo glances over to where Jongdae is standing, “He didn’t believe me when I said peeling grapes is hard.” He takes a sip of his freshly brewed coffee.

“It’s really that hard?” Kyungsoo watches as his Hyung gets the look in his eyes, “Well, look at Baekhyun-Hyung, does it not look hard from the way he’s yelling in frustration?”

“I didn’t even know people peeled grapes?” Chanyeol murmurs from behind Kyungsoo.
His hair still messy from just rising from his bed.

“I do it be-because it’s good use of my energy!” Baekhyun shouts out, hurting the eardrums of the men.
Collectively- the trio rolls their eyes in sync.

Chapter Text

Baekhyun: Where’s Minseok?

Minseok: I’m literally right here

Chanyeol: Oh? I thought you ran off with Jongdae-Hyung again

Minseok: Again? The fuck are you talking about

Sehun: we thought Hyung ran off with Jongdae to “practice”

Minseok: “practice”? Why the quotations?

Chanyeol: You know why :)))

Minseok: No I don’t, why don’t you tell me, Park Chanyeol.

Sehun: He’s saying we think the two of you run off to fu- uh

Kyungsoo: Yeah, shut the hell up

Minseok: He has my back, my young dongsaeng is my ride or die

Kyungsoo: exactly

Baekhyun: I shIP IT

Minseok: motherfucker you’d betta run

Chapter Text

Yoongi: what if one day instead of accepting this shit, I just leave.

Chapter Text

Changkyun: do any of you guys remember hurting yourself and running to your parent pointing to a part of your body saying “what’s this? It hurts?”

Changkyun: or is that just me?

Kihyun: no, I don’t

Hyungwon: Ah yes, Because he was the one doing the hurting of the children.

Kihyun:.....how dare you.. you’re right.

Hyungwon: called it

Chapter Text

Jackson: I’m just gonna say it

Mark: fucking say it

Jackson: anybody who wears fluffy socks with regular shoes are fucking psychopaths

Mark: agreed.

Jinyoung: finally, an intellectual

Youngjae: personally the only time when that’s okay is if you’re in a rush, all of the other socks are dirty/in the washing machine.

Yugyeom: and then you turn, and there they are. Fluffy.

Bambam: rainbow socks

Jackson: you just described a nightmare of mine >o<.

Jaebum: kinda funny what I’m wearing rn

Bambam: oooh and what would that be? ;)

Jackson: ;))))))

Jinyoung: Ugh

Jaebum: rainbow fluffy socks that Youngjae gave me

Mark: oh my god

Youngjae: if you’re wearing shoes with them, I’ll never speak to you again Hyung

Jaebum: I’m not

Bambam: Thank god

Jaebum: they’re slippers

Youngjae:……you’re not the same Im Jaebum I once knew

Chapter Text

Taehyung: did you guys know that if you search our name, along with “as” you get a bunch of random shit?

Jimin: such as, let er’ rip Jungkookie

Jungkook; mm Hyung! “BTS as Pizza, BTS as sodas, BTS as donuts, BTS blue moodboard.” Etc etc

Namjoon: how- strange?

Seokjin: wow, color me impressed

Hoseok: okay but what kind of pizza aM I?

Yoongi: I’m going to bed, I don’t know what you did

Yoongi: I’m angry, and I’m gonna try again

Yoongi: Motherfucker a Pizza?

Yoongi: no

Yoongi: goodnight you pricks.

Chapter Text

Baekhyun: cus we about to get raH RAH ROCKIN

Minseok: my literal king of the fucking music industry

Chanyeol: uHHN

Jongdae: im always wINNING THE RACE

Junmyeon: I’m ALWAYS, IM ALWAYS GETTIN FIRST PLACE

Jongin: hOO

Kyungsoo: hoo

Sehun: HOO

Yixing: namanana

Baekhyun: the kING HAS ARRIVED

Chanyeol: BOW DOWN BEFORE HIS GREATNESS

Jongdae: “I’m hot like wasabi!”

Jongdae: yeAH YOU ARE

Baekhyun: bithjjg im cryin

Jongin: that fucking random ass orb

Junmyeon: apparently we “fedex’d” you your fucking glowing orb

Minseok: don’t even talk to me about orbs

Minseok: better yet, don’t speak to me at all

Minseok: howEVER

Minseok: I’m always, im always gettin first place

Junmyeon: hOO

Minseok: correct response

Jongdae: yaLL

Jongin: this was fucking amazing

Sehun: that cult sheep shit? Um fuck yes

Yixing: Thank you!

Baekhyun: a semi-naked Zhang Yixing on a cliff dancing for everyone to see? Fuck-to-the-yes

Kyungsoo: you did excellently, Hyung

Yixing: mm, thank you guys! I hope that next time you tell me i did great is when we meet face-to-face

Minseok: Yeah, us too

Junmyeon: don’t worry, Hyung.

Baekhyun: yeah, i mean, we’re gonna yell at you one-way-or another, so

Chanyeol: Just pull up skype. Crank the volume all the way up and you’re good

Jongin: it’s like we’re there with you!

Sehun: Or you could just tell the ceo to fuck off

Kyungsoo: probably a bad choice

Sehun: you never know until you try it

Jongdae:  lol

Yixing: god, i had forgotten how fun it was to sit back and watch you banter between yourselves

Baekhyun: um, that's called stalking.

Jongdae: is the stalker Xing tho? Cause, like- anydAY

Yixing: aaaannnnndd this is when I sign off and go to bed

Yixing: night, you fucking weirdos

Chanyeol: night, our King

Yixing: oh shut the fuck uP-

Yixing: gooDNIGHT you fucks

Chapter Text

Baekhyun: Do you know that I could yell my love for you to the world in a few seconds?

Yixing: Huh? Oh, Baekie, that’s impossible-

Baekhyun: *a husky voice, a small breath tickles Yixing’s ear: I love you

Yixing: dear sweet baby- fuCK

\ \

/ /

Chanyeol: I could scream my love for you and our whole world would hear.

Minseok: I know how this goes

Minseok: you come over here and whisper in my ear that you love me, and I get pissed because you orbit around me.

Chanyeol: oh

Minseok: what.

Chanyeol: I was gonna get like hundred megaphones

Minseok:....somehow I feel better  

Chanyeol: tHANKS BABE

Chanyeol: I was helpful yAY

Chapter Text

Yoongi: The term “what’s the big idea?!” Implies to there being an important idea, as you wouldn’t fuck with them otherwise.

Yoongi: personally, I feel that on deep emotional level.

Chapter Text

Yugyeom: sometimes I feel like that audio clip going “Hell fuCKING YEAHHHH” and other times I just feel meh

Mark: duality at its finest

Bambam: ^ me

Chapter Text

Jongin; imagine the world if you had said everything you have ever forced back

Yixing: what is this Pinterest quote shit

Sehun: I’d be dead

Yixing: ?

Sehun: TBh I dIDNT like the drink Minseok made last night

Sehun: bUT I didn’t say it because if I did, I’d be fucking dead rn

Sehun: sO crisis avoided and your stupid lil piece of advice debunked

Sehun: hA

Yixing: that was quite the story

Sehun: I know thank you Hyung

Chapter Text

Changkyun: once instead of saying spandex, I said rubber

Changkyun: I had never felt such embarrassment and failure until that fucking moment

Minhyuk: he thought he knew pain

Hyungwon: but alas he did not

Chapter Text

Jackson: I’ve really only ever felt hate towards one thing

Bambam: gasp yourself

Jackson: no

Jackson: bugs

Jackson: my dad used to hear me scream, and would run to murder whatever was making me scream

Yugyeom: he’d hate me then

Jaebum: I’m going to ignore that

Jackson: those certain points were the highlight of my childhood and I still consider them some of the happiest moments of my life to this very day.

Jinyoung: seeing or, hearing your father protecting you from insects were the happiness moments of your life

Youngjae: I could see that happening

Mark: wild.

Chapter Text

Hoseok: kiHYUN I waANNNA WEAR YA SHIRTS

Kihyun: may I ask why?


Hoseok: becasssseeee I want people to know who I belong to!!!


Kihyun: shouldn’t that be the other way around?


Hoseok: equality.


Kihyun: Hyung, I’m-sm-smaLLer than you


Hoseok: ya so


Kihyun: they ain’t gonna fit you


Hoseok: believe in me jagiiiyyaaaa!! You have some big ass shirts, probably to fool yourself into thinking you’re a big boy.


Kihyun: you’re a brick fucking wall mixed with a silo, and I look handsome as fUcK in those oversized-sweaters so fUCK YOU.

Hoseok: yEs you DO AND wait

Hoseok: brick wall mixed with a si- you shut your bitch mouth.


Kihyun: fuck. You. Hoseok

Jooheon: weren’t they just arguing about Hoseok-Hyung wanting to wear Ki-Hyung’s clothes? How did we get here?



Hyungwon: global warming.


Changkyun: waht-

Chapter Text

Taehyung: guYS I JUSG ADOPTED A CAR


Seokjin: Kim Taehyung, what in the fuck do you mean??


Jimin: no he didn’t,

Taehyung: I’m pICKHING UP DEHT CARR

Seokjin: excuse me?

Jimin: it’s a toy car he found on the side of the road

Jimin: we tried to stop him but him and that fucking blue car are Soulmates apparently

Namjoon; oh well doesn’t that just explain everything.

Jungkook: he’s just drunk, don’t worry Hyungs the two of us are with him

Hoseok: that honestly gives me more reason to worry..


Yoongi: It’s way too early for this shit


Namjoon: it’s 12pm?


Yoongi: exactly.


Jimin: whEN was the last time you slept? Monday or something haha

Seokjin: say it. I dare you


Yoongi: Friday


Jungkook: But it’s Thursday?


Yoongi: exactly.


Taehyung: ooHhh Jinnie-Hyung is about ya goo thefuck offh

Chapter Text

Felix; have you ever hit your toe on the end of the chair and started screaming

Felix: and then two seconds later you’re standing there with a blank face, “that hurt.”

Jisung: Yeah

Seungmin: more than I’d like to admit, Hyung.

Hyunjin: I say no but my bruised and pained pinkie toe says otherwise

Chan: I just never stop screaming

Chan: once you start me yelling I ain’t stopping

Chapter Text

Jisung: do you think 6’0 dudes look at 6’0+ guys and think holy guacamole he’s big

Changbin: I hope they do

Chan: rather strange thought process  

Jeongin: that’s a new perspective!

Hyunjin: dunno.

Hyunjin: Changbin-Hyung, when you look at a 5’2+ girl do you look up and as she towers over you, do you think “holy guacamole she’s tall”?

Minho: wow I’d beat him

Woojin: that was a bit uncalled f-f-haha- for Hyunjin-Ah

Changbin: I’m going to murder you, hide your body in the woods and allow Jisung to become the visual instead

Jisung: :D

Changbin: you may be outwardly beautiful buT on the inside you’re ugly af

Hyunjin: at least I’m pretty on the outside while you’re just ugly inside aNd out.

Minho & Jisung: O H  S H I T

Felix: do I laugh or commit murder

Seungmin: multitask

Felix: valid

Jeongin: *deep sigh

Chan: look what you’ve started Jisung, you should be ashamed

Jisung: of what? Me starting the battle of the goddamn century?

Chan; no, for not bringing popcorn and helmets

Jisung: awww I knew I forgot somthiNG

Minho: he’s making fun of you Jisung

Woojin: Don’t take it too harshly, dongsaeng

Jisung: :((

Chapter Text

Minho: do any of ya’ll remember when your parents would buy you colored pencils and when the initial closing flap would tear you’d use the back part where it was displayed from instead?

Felix: aHHHH the pain

Felix: of when you’d stick your finger through the hole showing the colored pencils and pull that shit through to make sure it was even and closed entirely

Hyunjin: holy shit memories

Chan: my childhood.

Woojin: I can’t really say I did that often

Woojin: I either always lent my pencils to other kids and never got them back or I’d accidentally snap them

Jeongin: Aw, no Hyung that’s a tragedy

Seungmin: did you at least use the jagged sticks to stab the other kids who stole your pencil?

Changbin: uh

Jisung: what richy

Changbin: hey

Hyunjin: do you hear that? I think it’s the sound of a bitch being problematic and rich af

Minho: he had those metal cases

Minho: that good shit

Changbin: I didn’t color not really

Chan: you played in your tennis courts instead? Hehe

Seungmin: had maids cook for you?

Jeongin: had a tv in your room?

Changbin: this is abuse

Minho: oh no we’re picking on the rich kid

Jisung: heavens no our lives are ruined

Changbin: istg

Minho; what’s he gonna do? Ban me from ever going to a McDonald’s again?

Jeongin: is that the worst thing you could think of?

Minho: dollar menu bitch

Chan: I agree. As a fairly poor trainee, McDonald’s was my lifesaver

Hyunjin: lies

Hyunjin: I refuse to believe your mother didn’t funnel money into your account nOPE nuh uh

Felix: as a boy who has a good living McDonald’s iS my lifesaver

Seungmin: But Jisung-Hyung lived in Malaysia? By that logic he most likely has money

Jisung: no comment

Chapter Text

Baekhyun: do you ever do something in front of your friends expecting praise but you can literally see the disappointment in their eyes?

Sehun: in this friendship? I think that feeling is exclusive to you and Chanyeol

Jongdae: Ah! And me too, the fuck Se?

Chapter Text

Yixing: Hey, So what did you think of the show?

Yixing: we’ve finally ended the show, and I’m sorry I haven’t responded in a while I’ve been busy.

Jongdae: zalalalala za

Jongin: my baby

Yixing: oh

Yixing: you saw that already huh?

Baekhyun: brING MY CHILD BACK

Chanyeol: you fucKINF MONSTER

Yixing: listen, he’s no longer on the show for a reason. The audience favored other contestants more than others.

Yixing: I apologize to him, and I do hope he gets another chance, but next time, hopefully he’s learned from this and will capture the audience's attention.

Chanyeol: daMN how professional

Sehun: personally I liked Qin Fen more

Minseok: and who the fuck asked

Junmyeon: Bufan

Chanyeol: who could have guessed

Minseok: tall, bumbling, and fairly attractive? What a type

Kyungsoo: this is a mess.

Chapter Text

Changkyun: does it fuck you up that you never really see your true height?

Changkyun; eye level yes, but if your eyes were at say- your forehead thAT is your full height.

Jooheon: hm

Hyunwoo: I feel like that isn’t right

Hyungwon: can’t I say do. Is this a short people thing or something, Kihyun?

Kihyun: I’m going to file off a piece of your leg bone off every day until you learn to shut the fuck up.

Minhyuk: he’d still be taller than you.

Hoseok: ooooh bitch betta run

Chapter Text

Taehyung: have you ever thought about what your cravings would be as a pregnant woman?

Namjoon: no?

Seokjin: I live as a woman with pregnancy cravings already, I don’t need to wonder.

Jungkook: I’ve never thought about it before but thanks for putting that in my brain

Taehyung: no problem bestie!

Jimin: I have thought about it, I have a feeling that it’d be pickles and strawberry milk blended together

Yoongi: the thought of that made me want to vomit

Seokjin: I think it would make him vomit

Namjoon: pretty sure it will

Jungkook: Jesus Christ

Hoseok: tomatoes, grape jelly, and kimchi

Taehyung: y’all are insane

Seokjin: coming from the boy who asked

Taehyung: I’m sorRY I didn’t know you would turn all fucking weird on me!!!!

Yoongi: I’m just gonna go to sleep, and Hyungie? Deal with this please

Chapter Text

Chan: JYP came into our recording room the other day and asked me how it would feel if we added the jyp whisper into our songs

Chan: I’ve never been so insulted, but also low key honored at the same time

Minho: did it go like this

Minho: (You: Oh, thank you sir, but-ah

JYP: Great idea?

You: mHm, bUT, sadly I can’t.

You: it’s simply too much of an honor! That and I hate the concept.)

Chan: well, I wasn’t that harsh, but kinda

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: do you think Baekhyun used to read snsd reactions

Jongdae: delete this

Minseok: I’ll fucking kill you

Chanyeol: it was jUST a question.????

Chapter Text

Sehun: did you drink the water from the bathroom sink as a child or something? Is that why you’re a fucking dumbass?

Chanyeol: listen asshole

Chanyeol: have I? Yes

Chanyeol: was it recently??? Well- what do you classify as recent?

Chapter Text

Hoseok: I admit, I’ve had some very panic inducing moments in my life.

Hoseok: half of them being actually threatening to my life and the other is some rather- dumb shit I’d never speak about in public

Hoseok: But nearly dropping my phone in the toilet takes the fucking cake

Taehyung: O•O

Taehyung; you

Jungkook: no

Jungkook: :0

Jungkook: him

Taehyung: shit

Taehyung: you’re right

Chapter Text

Yugyeom: is it weird that our fans can recognize our voices apart?

Mark: with the amount of effort that I put into this voice; drinking hot teas, etc- they fucking better tell the difference between me, and Jaclyn the smoker

Jackson: firsT of aLL

Jackson: how daRE you

Jackson: and can I please use Jaclyn the Smoker as my gamer handle

Chapter Text

Donghan to Wooseok: Wooseokkkkk, can you feature in my song, pleaseeeeeeeee

-

Donghan to Sanggyun: whattdya mean you aren’t coming to the studio today? We were meant to record our song together?

Sanggyun: Song? What song?

Donghan: I-I told you a week ago! I stood in front of you and asked, Hyung will you feature in my song and you said yes, you even nodded your head??!!

Sanggyun;.............I’ll be right there

Chapter Text

Jungkook: is it weird to anyone else that the first person who tied their shoelaces did some loops and hoped for the best?

Taehyung: woahhhhh geniuS

Hoseok: I’m genuinely curious, how in the fuck do you maknaes come up with this shit?

Taehyung: yO

Namjoon: actually, and I hate to admit this. It’s a strangely interesting train of thought?

Yoongi: it’s called weed

Jimin: coolio, yet another thought that came up from a talk at 4am

Seokjin: I-

Yoongi: I’d honestly rather not think about this, nor do I want to talk about it really

Chapter Text

Jisung: Question

Woojin:....hey tell me what you want?

Jisung: hA

Jisung: But no

Minho: what

Jeongin: ?

Jisung: have any of you seen those hamster videos where the owner makes these strangely elaborate foods for their pet?

Seungmin: I haven’t, but it sure sounds like you have

Hyunjin: Wild

Felix: ooohhhhh yeh I’ve seen those!

Felix: kinda weird but I’m down

Changbin: down to what? Feed the hamster, or be the hamster?

Felix: listen I’m too young to have this talk right now, I’m not ready

Jisung: it’s beeN A YEAR

Felix: just bE PATIENT

Woojin: ?

Chan: it’s ah, it’s a vine don’t worry about it Hyung

Minho; did you mean to sound like you were speaking to your Grandpa or did that just happen?

Chan: depends.

Chapter Text

Chan: the second our home computer gets a virus I’m changing the password and never telling a goddamn soul in this house

Felix: Chan, maybe uh. Cool it, mate?

Chan: they’re chilDREN, BABIES

Chan: I’d only be doing what their mothers would want

Hyunjin: to be fair you’ve never met my mother

Hyunjin: he has met my dog tho

Minho: he’s met your dog but not your mother?

Changbin: I guess it just depends which one is more important to him? Would you let someone meet the “least”, or the most important thing first

Seungmin: easy. Neither

Jeongin: hes met mine.

Hyunjin; I can hear the exasperation and sadness

Jisung: you poor soul, how’d it go?

Jeongin: Mother had literal heart eyes looking at Hyung, I was sure she’d adopt him.

Jeongin: actually he probably is, Bang-Yang Chan, or Yang-Bang Chan

Chan: mother Yang is a very nice woman, btw she told me to tell you to do your homework

Changbin: didn’t know that Hyung could get any more eerie at times

Seungmin: he manages somehow

Chapter Text

Bambam: did you know that we have juniors that are younger than stray kids?

Mark: hah?

Jinyoung: ahH Boy story, right?

Jackson: my baBIES

Youngjae: oh, yes those are the boys who jyp Jackson, and Fei-sunbae picked right?

Jackson: yUP

Bambam: ohhhhhhhhhh aren’t they like fourteen to eleven?

Jaebum: fuck me

Jackson: yup yup

Yugyeom: Jesus Christ I feel old

Mark: how in the fuck do you think I feel?

Bambam: prehistoric

Mark:

Mark: laptop

Bambam:

Jackson: my sweet child Hanyu is the leader!!!!

Jinyoung: So a group of fourteen to eleven year olds have a leader? No, listen to your managers, fucking children

Bambam: his inner mother came out

Chapter Text

Jimin: because of you I could probably sleep through a zombie outbreak

Jimin: if there was a zombie behind me growling I’d pay it no attention

Jimin: remember, if I die like that it’s completely your fault Namjoon-Hyung

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: you know the showerhead in the bathroom?

Jongdae: not personally, but yeah

Jongin: good one.

Sehun: such enthusiasm

Minseok: utterly hilarious

Chanyeol: So I was taking a shower

Junmyeon: please do not continue

Baekhyun: please continue ;)

Chanyeol: and when I turned off the water I felt that fucking shower-head tube against my back and I think I screamed

Kyungsoo: you did.

Yixing: fairly loudly too ^-^

Baekhyun: yea you did, Soo and I heard it from the kitchen

Chanyeol: and none of you came to check?? I could have been getting murdered

Minseok: why do you think none of us came to check

Chapter Text

Jaebum: jackson no

Jackson: jackson yes

Jinyoung: Jackson Wang, no

Jackson: Jackson Wang, yes

Mark: jacksON NO

Jackson: jacksON FUCK YES

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: So I held this back before, but I can’t hold it anymore

Chanyeol: that Seo Kang joon from busted and are you human too, easily one of the most beautiful people of I’ve ever seen

Junmyeon: I swear on my life, he is.

Sehun: I felt low key attacked because during filming there’s only one spot for the most attractive and without him we all knew it was me

Jongdae: he clings on those moments away from us where he’s the most attractive, because when Jonginie is around he has no hope

Jongin: thank you?

Chanyeol: did ya have to attack him like that?

Minseok: he did good, keep doing it JD

Chapter Text

Seokjin: you aren’t ugly Yoongi, god just took less time with you

Yoongi: God took his time with you trying to fix his mistakes

Seokjin: priCK

Chapter Text

Donghyuck: do you remember when we first recorded black on black and the first one who yelled out in the beginning sounded like a weirdo?

Jaemin: I do, vividly

Jungwoo: wasn’t it chenle-ah?

Johnny: heyyyyyyyy

Doyoung: he yelled in tiny text

Yukhei: well he’s tiny, it would make sense

Chenle: I’m not tinY

Jisung: you’re tiny.

Ten: says the fucking giant

Jisung: says the tiniest Hyung

Jaehyun: S H I T

Chapter Text

Seungmin: you know Brian-sunbaenim is really talented

Jisung: briAN-SUNBAENIM

Chapter Text

Jongdae: does it help knowing that we young is now my favorite pooing song?

Chanyeol: Ah, I love the support!

Sehun: Yeah

Sehun: it fills me with joy knowing that you take a shit while listening to our voices.

Jongdae: you’re welcome!

Chapter Text

Youngjae: hey

Bambam: ye?

Youngjae: would any of you say that, uH, my smile and laugh are both annoying..?

Jackson: oh hell to the naw

Jinyoung: Choi Youngjae.

Mark: no? No. Of course not, why would you think that?

Yugyeom: just tell me who I have to murder.

Bambam: don’t be shy

Jaebum: was it something we said or did, or is it something else?

Youngjae: no no! It’s just that, I’ve seen the comments and I know it’s true so

Jackson: Youngjae now you listen here

Jackson: I’m coming over and I’m going to cuddle the fuCK outta you!!

Youngjae: my brother is asleep!!

Mark: don’t care

Yugyeom: fuCk your brother

Jinyoung: the rest of us are coming too, leave the door unlocked

Youngjae: thank you

Youngjae: really and truly, thank you.

Bambam: ha, no need to thank us!

Yugyeom: I know it’s like 3am but does anybody want pizza?

Mark: sure

Jinyoung: well then you’ll be happy to know that Yugyeom, Jaebum and I are bringing some over

Youngjae: heehee

Chapter Text

Seokjin: I woke up at the edge of my bed today.

Seokjin: I guess you could say

Seokjin: I’m rather edgy

Seokjin: guys? yAH Why aren’t you responding

Chapter Text

Sehun: I can’t wait until Minseok gets a girlfriend and brings her over to the dorm.

Sehun: and she can’t reach the fucking chips that even we sometimes struggle to get, and Hyung walks over all confidently

Jongdae: then he gets on his fucking tip-toes and still can’t reach it

Sehun: and then he nEEDS TO CALL ONE OF US

Chanyeol: a concept

Baekhyun: nah that’s comedy gold

Chapter Text

Hoseok: see ya

Changkyun: good bi

Hoseok: huh

Changkyun: bi-bi

Hoseok: huhh?

Changkyun: I know what I said

Chapter Text

Hoseok: I hate it when you fold your pillow, it’s nice and comfy

Hoseok: and all of sudden the fucking top pops out, the pillow is now sideways hanging off the bed, I’m crying, the blankets are everywhere. In the distance, sirens.

Chapter Text

Minseok: fuck Lee kwangsoo

Junmyeon: I’ll murder him

Chapter Text

Minhyuk: what if when Changkyun-Ah says “two finger, thumbs up.” He’s saying to put up our finger guns

Kihyun: go the fuck to sleep

Chapter Text

Jackson: I feel like it’s just an internationally known thing that at the end of eating your burger, that shit has the tomato and lettuce thrown out

Bambam: maybe even only the meat and the bottom bun is left

Mark: no, I don’t

Mark: because unlike you

Mark: I’m not a fuckin quitter

Chapter Text

Kino: Jinho-Hyung stands in a puddle and thinks he’s drowning

Jinho: I will murder your family, your entire family, I will gut them and feed them to the birds

Hwitaek: uh oh

Yanan: *quietly* uh oh spaghettios

Chapter Text

Yoongi: can you imagine busting in on one of your bandmates room to yell at them to turn down call me maybe by Carly Rae-Jepsen

Kihyun: yeah I can

Yoongi: I hate both of our lives

(Meanwhile)

Jungkook: have you ever had your Hyung burst open your door to yell at you for playing call me maybe too loudly

Changkyun: no?

Jungkook:

Jungkook: Yeah me neither

Chapter Text

4:30 AM

Jackson: everything is the same except Jaebum-Hyung has a bob haircut

8:00 AM

Jaebum: what the fuck

Chapter Text

Mark: yo why is awkward spelled so awkwardly

Jaehyun: dont

Johnny: I swear this kid is high sometimes

Ten: sometimes

Chapter Text

Jisung: high school musical is based off of a manga

Chapter Text

Minhyuk: life is so weird.

Minhyuk: the collective public glances at something they deem relatable, likes it going ah.ahHHSAH that’s fuNNY

Changkyun: when you think about it, that what friendships are.

Hyungwon: IRL liking and retweeting

Minhyuk: ohmygod

Chapter Text

SM- * has a ten member group, and uploaded the practice with focuses for each of the members: yes yesssss give me alllllllll your money

SM: yessss yess it’s mine, allllll minnneeee!!

SM: all them sweet views yO

\ \/ /

/ /\ \

JYP- * looking up from their coffee cup: what? You have eyes, fucking use them.

Chapter Text

Mark: do yall know those little fruit mentos?

Youngjae: yeah! Why?

Mark: I just wanted to say- strawberry is the best flavor

Jackson: now you wait one fucking second sir

Jackson: Orange

Jaebum: Nope, lemon bitch

Bambam; mhm

Yugyeom: you must be crazy, orange is where its at

Bambam: my own best friend, betraying me? You aren’t who I thought you were, Gyeomie

Youngjae: I don’t really mind what flavor

Jinyoung: strawberry

Mark: I’d kiss you

Jackson: I would too if he weren’t so wrOnG

Mark: If i hAVE to go to battle to prove the strawberry flavors superiority, i fuckin will

Mark: try me fuCKWADS

Chapter Text

Jackson: why is someone who is 5’9 short but a fucking 5’10 bitch is considered tall?

Jackson: like- das one inch

Jackson: and isn’t 5’10 the average height of the world or something

Jaebum: well dont worry about it, as you’re neither 5’9 or 5’10

Jackson: yeS I AM IM 5’9

Yugyeom: lies

Mark: and that oNe inch is a lot more than you’d think

Mark: inch more of height, one inch more of pure fucking ego

Jinyoung: seems to me like the two 5’9 bitches are jealous and salty as fuck

Youngjae: really? I can’t see their jealousy from up here

Bambam: yoU DID NOT

Youngjae: ooh but I did

Chapter Text

Yugyeom: did they name Robin Hood, Robin Hood because he was robbin’ in a hood?

Youngjae: well Christ

Jinyoung: stop

Mark: fuckin’ hell

Jaebum: shut up

Jackson: no- go on

Bambam: that’s it, that’s the thought

Jackson: oh

Chapter Text

Youngjae: Himchanie-Hyung if I told you that there has been a goblin living in your drawers and eating food, would you believe me?

Himchan: In this hypothetical situation I’d ask what kind of drugs you were on, and/or if this so called “goblin” was Daehyun.

Yongguk: go easy, Himchanie

Youngjae: Thank you, Guk-Hyung

Yongguk: you still need him for all public appearances, kill him later

Himchan: you’re right, ah such a responsible leader.

Yongguk: they’ve grown on me overtime, like a rash

Jongup: Am I a rash?

Himchan: oh no, Guppie that’s Daehyun and Youngjae.

Junhong; for once, I’m glad that I wasn’t included in these convos

Daehyun: I’m hurt!

Himchan: oh fuck off

Youngjae: fuck you Hyung

Chapter Text

Jinyoung: do you ever just watch someone throw away a banana peel and think “if you think I wouldn’t slap the shit outta you with that, you’re dead wrong” or is that just me

Jackson: Park Jinyoung, slapping others with banana peels since 1994

Chapter Text

Hoseok: if you write MONSTA x, without a capital X suddenly everything seems wrong

Hyungwon: but if you write monsta X with only a capital X you feel conflicted

Changkyun: lowercase intended

Minhyuk: howEVER if you write MONSTA X you feel like one badass motHERFUCKER

Kihyun: I think I’d just feel like an idiot

Kihyun: so no wonder you feel the most comfortable writing it like that

Minhyuk: oh wOw

Chapter Text

Hyunjin: you know that things where you can use both hands?

Felix:  ambiguous?

Chan: *ambidextrous

Hyunjin: okay so like

Hyunjin: yeah you use both, but what if you just can use both of yours hands really badly

Hyunjin: the level of function is the same because you’re really terrible with hand-to-eye coordination

Woojin: left hand- atrocious, right hand- horrendous

Changbin: wouldn’t that defeat the purpose-

Felix: isn’t Minho-Hyung that ambi-whatever-the-hell

Minho: yes

Minho: Now go the fuck to sleep you morons

Chapter Text

Chan: when you think of Australia,  what do you think of?

Seungmin: you

Changbin: Felix

Felix: for onLY 9.99 GET A STEAK FROM OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE

Jisung: do you even have those commercials in Australia?

Felix: idk tbh

Chapter Text

Jongin: you hug me, you feel something inside my pocket. You think to yourself that I may have stolen something, you’re right.

Chanyeol: you reach your hand into my back pocket and pull out biscuits wrapped in napkins that I stole from the breakfast buffet we had just walked out from, it’s a good day

Jongdae: the harvest was plentiful this year

Chapter Text

Bambam: how would you feel about being called a mother-trucker?

Mark: do you mean a motherfucker?

Bambam: no

Youngjae: in what context?

Jackson: like am I being a moTherfucker or am I-?

Jaebum: either way, go to the nearest volcano and toss yourself into it like the dramatic little bitch you are 

Yugyeom: hA

Yugyeom: you are

Mark: did our maknae did translate and make a Korean-to-English joke

Jackson: yes wtf

Jinyoung: I’m not sure if I could be more unamused

Mark: don’t challenge him it’d never end 

Yugyeom: chaLLENGE ME YOU WALNUT

Jackson: o H

Youngjae: S H I T

Chapter Text

Sehun: yall know that Snow White totally hoed herself out right?

Chanyeol: what

Junmyeon: sehUN!

Kyungsoo: the fuck are you talking about

Sehun: she let herself into a home, and when the dwarves accepted her being there she cooked, cleaned and even slept in their beds 

Sehun: in conclusion?

Jongdae: the seven dwarves pimped her the fuck out

Baekhyun: yO 

Chanyeol: sounds like a woman who knew what she wanted and got it tbh

Jongin: the dwarves were her daddi-?

Yixing: nOPE AND THAT'S WHERE WE STOP AND SLEEP

Junmyeon: open your bible to page twenty please

Minseok: while you’re at it read the whole series

Yixing: I heard it’s a real page turner!!

Chapter Text

Jungkook: it’s all fun and games until the syrup from your pancakes make contact with your eggs

Hoseok: is that a metaphor

Chapter Text

Jooheon: beer, Pepsi, fendiman, dear sir if I didn’t know better I’d call you a sellout

Mark: good thing you do

Yugyeom: least we haven’t done a song for tea

Changkyun: least we’ve only done a song for tea

Jackson: I wanna do a song for tea!!

Bambam: uGh me too

Chapter Text

Chan: I had a nightmare that we did our greeting but instead of yelling stray kids, we yelled stray lids 

Chan: and now I can’t stop thinking about it

Jisung: hello, I’m Han from Stray Lids

Felix: SKZ? Nah, SLZ

Hyunjin: stray kids is no match for Stray Lids

Minho: knocked those assholes outta the water

Changbin: step out Stray Lids?

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: when I yawn I feel like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park

Chanyeol: tilting my head back and just aHHNNNNNNNMAJJJJNJ

Jongdae: somehow I feel like I should have been the one to say this shit

Chapter Text

Jisung: ever since I was a kid I’ve had this habit of whenever I go into the bathroom and the first thing I do is peak behind the shower-curtain 

Jisung: not just to make sure that there’s no one in there

Jisung: But also to see if there are any fucking demons and whether or not I need to make a quick escape.

Hyunjin: whether or not? So there’s a chance if there is a demon you’ll just let it take your soul?

Seungmin: a quick escape, or a slow shuffle to the door.

Jisung: how frustrated am I that day?

Chapter Text

Mark: you know what broke my habit of biting my nails

Youngjae: ?

Mark: the fact that if I had longer nails, I’d be able to scratch an eye out with said nails if I had to.

Chapter Text

Jongin: a thermal is nice and all until you take a sip thirty minutes later expecting it to be not as boiling anymore and have literal liquid the temperature of a fucking hot tub in hell in your mouth 

Jongdae: well damn sir sounds like you’ve had a fuckin day

Chapter Text

Chanyeol: you know why I don’t play bts superstar?

Junmyeon: because your phone would be taken away and the chances of getting it back would be slim?

Minseok: cause you’d fucking suck

Chanyeol: no to both but fuck you in particular Minseok

Chanyeol: I heard the gifts are complete garbage

Chapter Text

Hyungwon: “mhm.”

Hyungwon: the fuck was that Jooheon

Jooheon: why whatever are you talking about?

Kihyun: “okay.”

Kihyun: ?

Minhyuk: I’ve never seen Jooheonie visibly dislike someone before like goddamn

Jooheon: wow guys

Hoseok: oh shut up we could all see your dislike too, don’t lie

Changkyun; why though? She was nice! A bit over enthusiastic but still nice?

Hyunwoo: answer the question dongsaeng

Jooheon: I don’t need a reason, I just hate her prickly little face

Jooheon: I can deal with enthusiasm I have it too but that bitch- oohgg she makes me want to tear her throat out and my ears 

Hyungwon: holy shit man

Chapter Text

Jisung: do you ever just get the urge to sing big time rush 24/7

Chan: as in the song or all the time?

Felix: nah I’m more of a windows down kinda guy

Hyunjin: Big mood

Jisung: rolLING THROUGH YO TOWN

Minho* monotone: all the windows down

Chapter Text

Junmyeon: ahhH

Jongin: me

Chapter Text

Changkyun: unpopular opinion- captain America has BSV

Kihyun: I’m scared to ask but what is bsv?

Changkyun: Big Sportacus Vibes

Chapter Text

Jongdae: you ever hear a construction guy yell out “how the fuCK does this work?” And then heard banging

Baekhyun: no? And with how you describe it I kinda don’t wanna

Chapter Text

Hyunjin: I wish I was Jared, nineteen, and didn’t know how to fucking read

Chapter Text

Jisung: sO I need help guys

Minho: with what?

Jisung; so, I have an open cheap ramen bowl beside me, and a suspiciously warm coke bottle on the other side

Chan: oh no

Jeongin: this’ll be fun to watch

Jisung: I have no water in the studio, so, I can either get up and get some water from the main room

Seungmin: please do that

Minho: yeah do that, I don’t need to hear the other option 

Jisung: or I could pour in the coke and hope for the best

Changbin: and he said it

Hyunjin: ain’t no stopping him now

Jisung: I could get a concoction that utterly fuckin disgusts me and I’ll learn my lesson, or I’ll get something that isn’t disgusting and I’ll probably do it again if needed

Chan: that’s it, stay there, I’m bringing you home so that we can cook you for here

Chan: the one time I go home, the one time I decide to sleep, this bullshit happens

Minho: don’t use this as an excuse not to sleep chan 

Hyunjin: we see you and your excuses 

Chapter Text

Changkyun: lower case makes everything better

Hyungwon: ..?

Kihyun: how’s that