Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Excuse me, where’s the NICU?” Clarke broke down and asked a nurse after looping back down to the cafeteria once more. She thought it was the second left, but she might have made the fourth right, and she’d ended up in the basement, and she’d ended up in the gift shop, and she’d ended up on psyche. “Thank you.”

The directions were even more complicated, but Clarke was too afraid to ask again so she smiled and started out down the halls, anxiously checking her watch. Her beeper kept buzzing on her hip.

Just two weeks at this new hospital, and she was still very much not accustomed to the labyrinth. That is what all hospitals are, mazes filled with monsters lurking around corners into which often only death can be found. Clarke had yet to figure out the way it all flowed, which was why she rarely left the paediatric floor. She knew how to get to the operating rooms and how to get to the little plastic boxes and the bathroom. That was enough. But she needed coffee.

“You’re the OB, right?” a semi-familiar face walked alongside Clarke as she made another lap past the pharmacy.

“Paediatrics.”

“Claire.”

“Clarke.”

“Right.”

“Dr. Griffin.”

“How could I forget? The chief’s kid.”

“Yes. That would be me.” Clarke sighed. She’d been afraid of that, when she moved, the being of the chief’s kid thing. But she’d been recruited by numerous hospitals after she returned from a few months off. She was surprised by that part, considering she ran off and told no one. But word got around, and she took this one because of the facilities and free rent of living in her old home. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“Like you remember my name.”

“Ortho. Dr. Reyes. First in her class from UT, developed the method for spinal surgery with Vater Syndrome. Currently working on advanced medical robotics,” Clarke prattled off as she paused in the middle of the intersecting hallways.

“Okay, showing off already. At least I knew your mom was the chief.”

“That might amaze you, but I actually can’t find my own department, so.”

“What does your day look like?”

Clarke let the doctor guide her slightly, following beside her. She hadn’t meet all of the doctors, but she’d done research, and she’d shook hands with those that introduced themselves. This was new still.

“I have a very long surgery on a very tiny baby. And a consult on a tiny human that hasn’t been born yet. Plus, about a thousand other things that like to pop up seemingly at random.”

“There’s a bar,” Raven explained, closing the folder in her hands. “You look like you haven’t had a drink in a long time. Consider this the welcome wagon.”

“It was the second right, not left,” Clarke observed as Raven pressed the button to the elevator.

“Have you met any other doctors?” Raven pressed the proper floor as Clarke ate her snack and drank her cold coffee.

“A few. It’s mildly intimidating. I’ve read many of the findings. The team is what attracted me to move here.”

“You better put up the big numbers then.”

“Thanks for the motivational speech,” Clarke shared a laugh as Raven guided her down another hall to the back corner of the third floor. “About that drink?”

“Nine. At the front door, if you can find it.”

“You laugh, but I might not be able to get there.”

With a small grin, Raven nodded and kept walking down the hall towards radiology.

“Nice to meet you, princess.”

“That’s uncalled for.”

Before she disappeared, Raven shrugged and Clarke threw her coffee into the can with a mild disgust at the nickname, and knew right there that it would spread and she’d have to wield it with a smile.

“Clarke, I’ve been looking for you.” The voice made her stop still and shove her candy into her pocket like a kid caught at the movies with contraband. It was a matter of time before that voice made its way to this neck of the woods.

“You’ve been successful.”

“I wanted to see how your day looked,” Abby asked, closing the chart at the nurses’ station and pulling off her glasses as her daughter approached and snagged it from her.

“Well, you just read it.”

“Invasive, really? For that?”

“I’m your Paediatric surgeon, and that is my opinion. Or are you asking as a mother who thinks she knows more about fetal medicine despite being a neurosurgeon?”

“Just curious,” the older doctor shrugged and smiled. “You have a meeting with Dr. Woods as a consult. Try to impress her. I’m hoping to get her to stay after her fellowship ends.”

“I’m not making a case interesting to help you recruit.”

“If you could drop in why you chose here, you know, as the newest member of the staff, that might help.”

“Bye, Dr. Griffin. Thank you for stopping by. I’m sure you have things to attend to in your office away from here.”

“Okay, disperse,” Lexa waved her hands as the interns scattered quickly.

“You’re hard on them,” Indra mentioned, not looking up from her paperwork behind the desk.

“They’re morons.”

“You were once a moron.”

“Not like that.” Lexa smiled slightly and met Indra’s glance as they shared it. “Where am I going now?”

“Paeds.”

“Seriously?”

“They need a heart consult.”

“I was just in there for fourteen hours.”

“Do I look like I make your schedule?”

Lexa squinted at her, wanted to argue and snap, but learned long ago that it was an unwise decision to do such. When she first arrived, the surgeon found it slightly difficult to make acquaintances with the other doctors, but Indra was different, was tough, was stern, was oddly maternal. She made Lexa eat, talked to her, understood her, and most importantly understood how she worked, how she liked her operating rooms, how she liked her instruments, how she liked to round.

“Dr. Woods?” Lexa looked away as Indra gave her the stern look that told her to behave. She turned to the voice.

“Dr. Green. I’m late, apparently.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t… I thought… You might want to hear… Or maybe… It doesn’t matter,” the shorter, more nervous scientist spoke quickly and unsure of himself. “You can call me Monty.”

“Is this what you came to tell me?”

“No, of course not,” he shook his head, swallowing sharply. “I got some of the results back from the study with the biomedical substitute you tweaked are back.”

“How did it look?” she hurried along the halls as he scurried beside her.

“Better,” he trailed off, “But nothing substantial.”

“Will you be here tonight? I’d like to go over some of the information.”

“I’ll have the results done tomorrow.” Lexa paused and thought for a moment, oddly deterred by her day, her surgery that ended in a moot result, her experiment that was failing. It was a day.

“Thanks, Monty.”

“We’re close. Maybe if we start altering the calculations for the composition…”

“It all comes back to the tissue,” Lexa nodded.

“We’re going to fix the heart,” Monty promised. “The math is almost right.”

“Almost doesn’t ever count when it comes to cardio-thoracics.”

“I know,” he nodded, solemn and sorry.

“Tomorrow I’ll come to the lab.”

“Okay, Dr. Woods.”

“Well, I’m here,” Lexa realized when she reached the hall with the pastel animals and jungle decor. “Are you needed on the kid’s floor as well?”

“What? No. Wait. I was just. Walking with you.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. Green.”

She stood in the hallway and watched him leave, oddly content to work with him because he was so smart and so anxious that it made her less anxious. Whereas normally she had to be bristly and often made the interns and residents wary because she expected nothing but perfection, Monty was different because he was competent and just as much a perfectionist in his pursuits. As such, in his awkward glory, Lexa let her guard down sometimes. Indeed, she was fond of the scientist.

“I’m here for a cardio consult,” the doctor looked towards the nurses.

“That makes you mine.”

In the NICU, Clarke never felt uncomfortable. She was never intrusive, never terribly bossy, but she was confident and knowledgeable and always felt extremely singular holding or examining a tiny, sick not-even-human yet. She was good at miniature surgeries, that were all still very important just smaller. Maybe even more important because of that.

For the first time though, Clarke felt oddly different, and as if she didn’t own the boxes and the peoples inside of them. It was the other doctor who was oddly prim and oddly spectacular and oddly beautiful with her black scrubs and slight scowl. All Clarke could do was watch her delicately placing the metal of the stethoscope against the small sternum. She watched her looking at the tests, face not even furrowed as her big eyes darted around the prints.

“He needs surgery,” Lexa nodded.

“Yes, I knew that already. Which is why you’re here.”

“I’ve never…” Clarke watched her furrow, finally, shake her head, look down at the box containing the infant once more. “Worked on something so small.”

“Can you do it?”

“His heart is very tiny. Very weak. Very pliable.”

“I don’t know what you might think we do here in the NICU, but we do work on tiny humans.”

“Right,” Lexa nodded, looking at her once more, oddly jolted by the blonde. She felt off of her game, for some reason, ever since the cheerful blonde doctor claimed her at reception.

“I’ve never actually done this before,” Clarke confessed, leaning on the box. “I’ve done heart surgery, I just have never replaced a valve like this.”

“Have you spoken to the parents?”

“I have, but I was waiting on your opinion.”

“We shouldn’t wait.”

“Can you do this?”

For the moment, Lexa wished her stethoscope was still in her ears. Instead she was caught looking at Clarke as the doctor leaned closer, watching her before looking down at the baby. It was not often that the surgeon felt compelled to prove herself. This was a moment.

“I can.”

“I feel like you can learn a lot about a surgeon by their specialty, cap, and routine,” Clarke rambled as she scrubbed her arms and the room was set up.

“You are, by far, the most pleasant sounding surgeon I’ve worked with,” Lexa sighed, already afraid of the hours spent with this woman.

“I get that a lot,” Clarke nodded. “Pleasant isn’t the word most use. Talkative. Annoying. Once, exuberant.”

“And you haven’t taken the hint?”

“No, not from jackasses who look down on my specialty,” Clarke shrugged, ignoring the agitated way Lexa moved. “Who I consult with on rare occasions, just to take their powers. It is hard to believe in something this much.”

“I do not look down on your specialty.”

“Babies, kids, they’re different,” Clarke shook her hands as she rinsed. “You have to talk to them. Tone matters.”

For a moment they both just washed and dried and waited. Lexa wanted to ask her why she was defensively proposing her methods, but decided she did not know her well enough. When it went quiet, she suddenly missed her voice and understood.

“What do you know about me then?” Lexa ventured.

“What?”

“My specialty, cap, routine.” She turned her head to see Clarke smile slightly.

“Cardio-thoracics means you are precise, cocky, an attitude. I’d say the mentality of a pitcher in baseball. You’re confident and not new to being mesmerized by life. Once you rebuild a heart, you become a god, and you struggle with that responsibility. If you were a superhero, you’d be somewhere in the Batman or Spiderman realm. Self-made and angry. But also fully aware of what a badass you are, which is both charming and annoying.”

“You put a lot of thought into it.”

“I grew up around these people.”

“And?”

“Your cap says you’re to the point, strong, quiet. Very quiet. Calm. Peaceful.”

“You got that from a cap?”

“I have entire theories about these things.”

“My routine?”

“I’ll let you know after.”

“What does it mean that you’re in Paeds?”

“That I wanted to piss my mother off.”

“There has to be a better answer.”

“Are you going to tell me if any of my predictions are correct?”

Lexa sized up the doctor, shorter than her, she had a necklace that she was unable to see, her eyes were like the ocean at dawn.

“We should get in there.”

Tired and still amazed, Lexa sat before her locker, shoulders hunched and hands aching from the long, long day and the precision required for the tiny, tiny heart she had worked on for so man hours. She ran her hands along her cheeks, hoping to make herself feel human again. When that failed, she threw her cap into her locker and tugged at her shirt, pulling it from her back and tossing it in the laundry.

She was no expert in mannerisms, nor did she have any theories as Dr. Griffin mentioned. She’d never observed these things before, often obscuring her vision to the field. She barely had words, other than during the surgeries, with the others. But Lexa found herself observing this one, the way her hands moved, the deft swiftness that existed in her exact movements, the things she explained and warned and was altogether the most knowledgeable about.

“The parents wanted to thank you,” Clarke blushed as she found Lexa sitting half-naked in the locker room.

“You’ll let me know about any changes, won’t you?”

“Of course.”

“What about my routine?” Lexa asked, tired and looking over her shoulder at the other doctor who simply stood there, stuck in the middle of the room.

“You’re lonely. Guarded. Unsure.” Clarke watched Lexa look away. “Close on any of it?”

“If I was a superhero, I’d be Wonder Woman, and only Wonder Woman.”

Clarke laughed as she watched Lexa stand and dig through her locker for a shirt which she pulled over her had, arms falling beside her.

“I’m going to get a drink with Dr. Reyes, from Ortho. Would you like to celebrate your first tiny heart?”

“I have labs to look over.”

“Next time.”

“Sure.”

“It was a pleasure, Dr. Woods.”

“It was, Dr. Griffin.”

Each watched the other smile for longer than polite without realizing it before Clarke blushed and fiddled with the pockets of her coat and nodded, smiling wider at the fool she felt herself becoming and therefore her blush worsening as she scrambled to make a somewhat reasonable exit.

Lexa simply remained standing in the room with the odd feeling of the smile, foreign on her cheeks.

“But what do you know about this heart surgeon?” Clarke tried, whispering over lunch in the cafeteria.

“Dr. Mills?”

“No, Woods.”

“Ohhh, that one,” Raven nodded and then shook her head. “She’s a beast. Brutal too. Everyone’s afraid of her. But her success rate is ridiculously high, her techniques are just… I watched her a few times. She’s pristine.”

“I worked with her a few weeks ago,” Clarke nodded. “She’s impressive.”

“She’s working with Dr. Green, the one from the research lab, on making universal heart tissue.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah.”

“But do you know anything else about… her?” Clarke tried, lowering her voice slightly.

“I’ve only met her a few times,” her lunch partner shrugged. “Why?”

“I’m just curious.”

“Right.”

“Now I never thought I’d see you back down here,” Clarke whistled, looking up from her chart to find a certain heart surgeon leaning over the plastic box of a former heart patient.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Lexa stood up quickly, pulling her hand out just as fast. “I thought everyone… would be gone… it’s late.”

“I had an emergency,” Clarke closed her chart and approached. “You look tired.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean,” the doctor tried. “You look…” She was met with Lexa’s eyes and swallowed. “Can I help you with anything?”

“You ever have that one?” Lexa looked back down. “That one that was supposed to go so easily? That one that you just knew it’d be okay? And then it goes horribly wrong? Every step of the way, it’s just wrong?”

“Often.”

“I feel this one,” Lexa confessed.

“Those happen.”

“Not too much.”

“You’re lucky then.”

“He had four kids.”

“The car crash guy? He was shredded to bits. There wasn’t anything-”

“There’s always something,” Lexa stopped her from trying to make her feel better.

“Yeah,” Clarke agreed quietly.

“I thought you were afraid of heights,” Lexa taunted as she took a seat on the floor beside Clarke.

“I am,” Clarke shrugged. “But for now, I’m trying to conquer these things.”

“So we have to eat on the helipad?”

“Yes.”

Lexa wanted to argue, but she’d learned at the tiny baby surgeon was stubborn and impossible to sway once an idea struck her fancy, and for some reason, she was very much attracted to that kind of crazy.

“Baby Jack is going home today. You might want to come down and see him off.”

“I don’t really do families.”

“His parents are sweet.”

“Even worse.”

“Lexa.”

“Maybe we should celebrate our first successful partnership,” Lexa suggested. “Dinner or something.”

“You mean…” Clarke swallowed a much too large bite. “Like, a date?”

“You kissed me in a supply closet.”

“Yeah. I did.”

“A date seems like going back to a step we might have missed.”

“You went down on me in my car outside the bar.”

“On accident.”

“On accident?”

“Dinner?” Lexa tried not to smile as she sipped her coffee, grateful for the chance to hide it.

“You’re such a Batman, it’s not even funny, and you don’t even know it.”

“Wonder Woman.”

“It doesn’t mean we’re dating.”

“Of course not.”

“Okay.”

“Alright. It’s a date.”

“Lexa.”

“Dr. Griffin.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and looked out at the city as the beautiful doctor smiled victoriously beside her.

Chapter Text

“Look at that. she moves just… flawless.”

“Incredible.”

“Did she just? That was so quick.”

Clarke sat amidst the growing crowd in the gallery observing the surgery that was deep into its twelfth hours. The woman in the scrub cap covered in tall, dark redwoods didn’t notice at all, didn’t hear these words of amazement and awe, but her girlfriend did, and it filled her up with a bursting kind of pride that threatened to break her cheeks.

From her seat in the stands, Clarke enjoyed watching her work, seeing her deep in her own element, so transfixed by the immediate, so entranced by the magnitude of her work. Not often did Lexa look so at ease and so content, but Clarke saw it there, in the surgical room in front of a cracked chest, and it left her enraptured.

“You can try to hide, but you should know by now that I’ll find you.”

“I should have known you were coming after the sound of scurrying of interns.”

“You said you’d stop by my office after work,” Abby said, adjusting her white coat as she sat beside her daughter. Both stared intently at the procedure, never addressing the other to their face.

“I’m still at work.”

“It is a lucky thing Dr. Woods decided to accept the attending offer,” the chief observed. “Look at that…” Clarke could hear the smile in her voice, could hear the disbelief and amazement not granted to many. It filled her with more pride than she knew what to do with, or even what to feel. “She’s the next generation of greatness.”

“I’m sleeping with her.”

“Clarke, don’t be vulgar.”

“I don’t know how to make it less vulgar. It’s not like I said we’re fucking.”

There were sniggers from the remnants of the general audience followed by slight clearing of throats as the Chief adjusted slightly in her chair, tilting her chin and watching a monitor hanging in the room. Clarke grinned, slightly victorious for the inherent blush and glare her mother was hiding and that her daughter could sense just by the tightening of her neck.

“I saw your article in the Journal. It looked very nice.”

“Intercourse. Is that more or less vulgar? It’s more scientifically accurate I suppose.”

“You’re dating Dr. Woods,” Abby sighed. “I get it, Clarke. Don’t be dramatic.”

“Banging, even. Shagging? Is it boning if there’s not technicall-”

“It is baffling how she can clearly have her hands full with you, and still manage to produce more literature, take more patients, and head a very successful research study. She’s even more impressive than I originally thought. Maybe that will push you.”

“Boinking. Though I suppose those are vulgar, to a degree. We know each other biblically.”

“Invite her to dinner on Friday.”

“Canoodli-” Clarke froze as her mother stood. Her smiled faded and she finally looked up to meet her eyes, no longer smug and enjoying it.

“I want to see your research hours increase next month. And we’re having fish. Bring dessert. I’ll see you later, honey.”

It took a moment for Clarke to close her mouth and look back at the scene in the surgery. She furrowed her brow and rested her chin on her palm before smiling when she saw Lexa look up to make sure she was still watching. It was a small smile, it was one that barely cracked the distracted and sullen mood, but it was there.

“Morning,” Lexa smiled after leaning against the door to the on-call room. She only approached when the doctor in the bed groaned and dug her face into the pillow. “You were gone before I woke up. Sometimes I think you just sleep with me for the proximity to work.”

“It’s a perk.”

“So is coffee delivery,” the surgeon set the cups down on the desk before taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“I think it all falls under the whole dating you category.”

“How was it?” Lexa rubbed her hand along Clarke’s back, slipping under the scrub top and warming the skin there.

“Long night. And I have to lead the interns in preparing today.”

“I’d love to help…”

“Yeah? You can-”

“I mean, I’d love to, but there’s just no way. So busy today.”

“Yeah yeah,” Clarke sighed, finally rolling over in her bed. “Look at you, so beautiful with you’re seven hours of straight sleep.”

“And look at you… gorgeous… two hour nap… thing,” Lexa attempted. “I’m just kidding,” she laughed, leaning forward and kissing the sleepy thing before she could be offended. “Drink your coffee. What time are you off?”

“Should be done about six.”

“How about,” Lexa stood only to straddle Clarke’s hips, much to the blonde’s delight. “I pick up dinner from that Thai place you like.” She ran her hands over Clarke’s ribs and felt her hands on her hips. “You head over to my place. Watch a movie.”

“You’re good at making plans.”

“Better than you.”

“You’re not still sore about that are you?” Clarke chuckled as Lexa leaned closer, kissing her jaw. “My mom loved you.”

“Of course she loved me. I’m sore you invited me the day of and gave me no prep time.”

“That was a week ago.”

“Never going to forget it,” Lexa giggled as hands slid up her back. “You owe me for being incredibly charming.”

“I do,” Clarke agreed. “You’re kind of perfect. I mean. Totally a surprise and definitely a sleeper pick in the good girlfriend department.”

“Mmmm make more fantasy football comparisons. You know how that gets me going.”

“I’ll get you going,” the blonde grinned, tugging on the tie of her girlfriend’s scrub bottoms.

“We have rounds.”

“I can be quick.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Before Lexa could argue anything else, she felt lips on her neck and a hand slipping into her pants. She shifted to help Clarke’s movements. Between Clarke’s tongue on her pulse and her fingers aided by shifting hips, Lexa almost hated how right Clarke was in knowing it wouldn’t take long.

“Dr. Woods?” banging on the door made both of them in the tiny bed jump.

“Wha-a-a-at?” Lexa struggled. Clarke stopped only for an instant before resuming.

“I have your post-ops rounded-”

“Coming!”

“I wouldn’t have… holy shit.”

“The size of that tumor.”

“It’s amazing they lasted as long as they did.”

“I’ve never seen it done like that-”

Impressed and quietly boasting, Lexa sat in the gallery while she watched her girlfriend work on the baby still in the womb. She didn’t even understand many of the intricacies of Clarke’s work, but she did know that watching her, that seeing the things she did was a treat, was magnificent, was awe-inspiring.

Often, Clarke would downplay her work, would joke that it was just tiny surgery, would play up the parts that Lexa didn’t have to deal with so much, all to make her mother angry. But Lexa knew the truth, and hearing everyone else feel the same sort of amazement made her so proud she smiled to herself.

“Dr. Woods,” Raven nodded as she took the seat beside her.

“Dr. Reyes. Nice to see you. Congratulations on that article.”

“You read it?”

“Of course.”

“Clarke has really softened you up,” the surgeon observed.

“I’m a teddybear,” Lexa smirked, adjusting slightly in her chair.

“She tried me to convince me of that, but I never believed her. But who knows, maybe you actually are.”

“Ask the interns.”

“I’m sure they’ll have a different answer,” Raven chuckled. “Clarke told me that dinner went well with the Chief.”

“You and… You and Clarke talk about us…?”

“She’s my friend, yeah. That’s what happens. Girl talk.”

“Oh.”

“She likes you a lot. I suppose I should give you the don’t hurt her talk?”

“You don’t have to…” Lexa grew slightly anxious.

“Let’s consider it done then. You know. The whole I’ll kill you if you hurt her thing, and she thinks highly of you and I like you but I like her more and no one else will give you this talk, so it falls to me,” Raven prattled on absently.

“I love her.”

“Goodness. Wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me neither.”

Chapter Text

There was a time when everything was quiet in the hospital. It never came at the same moment, but it did usually come before the storm, as the saying went. Calm as it was, there was still a certain hum to the life in the building, a certain way everything worked and clicked.

Clarke enjoyed it, when she found that kind of harmony. Growing up in a hospital, she got to feel its rhythm, its currents, its routine, and at times, she craved it. When her mother was off saving people’s motor functions, Clarke prowled the halls, slept like a Dickens’ character wherever she could find a quiet corner, eating leftover cake and cookies in nurses’ stations and vending machine splurges. It was home to her, and she liked that even though things were difficult or hard and killed her to be better, it was still this safe place.

It made her early morning feel good, to come into the chaos before it was chaos. It made her smile to find Lexa there, in her safe place, because she understood, too.

The first time she kissed Lexa was in the hospital. Right there in the scans lab in front of a baby’s fixed heart. She couldn’t help it. Not with Lexa smiling that smile she has when she was amazed.

The first time Lexa asked her out was in the hospital. The first time they argued. The first time they fell asleep together. All of it. Right there in the hospital. If she thought about it, Clarke would add when she fell in love to the list of moments the hospital housed. But that wasn’t on her mind.

She leaned against the door of the lab and watched her mess of a girlfriend sleeping on the pile of papers spread across the desk. The computer quietly typed a single letter as Lexa’s hand was smashed against the keyboard under her cheek. With a shake of her head, Clarke got one more amusing second out of the display before deciding to put her out of her misery.

“Hey,” she whispered, nuzzling her nose in neck as she set the coffees on the table. Lexa simply growled and adjusted her head, furrowing and hiding.

“Two more minutes,” she complained.

“I need you for a consult, Dr. Woods,” Clarke murmured, kissing up jaw and letting her hands move under scrubs.

“A consult or a consult?” she yawned. “Either way, I’m too tired.”

“You’re coming home tonight,” she decided, kissing her girlfriend’s cheek one final time. “You need a proper sleep. In a bed. With me.”

“Can’t. Work to do,” Lexa rolled her shoulders and mumbled into her arms as she tried to go back to sleep. “Hearts to make. Lives to save.”

“You’re going to do fine today,” Clarke promised, rubbing the sleepy doctors back.

“I might be killing someone this afternoon,” she whispered, opening her eyes and looking at the blonde who supplied her with coffee. “I’ve never been this nervous.”

“It’s going to go great.”

“Like the last four?” she complained, finally lifting her head and stretching. Her sour mood sat, happy and content to feed from her misery and own guilt.

“You know it’s a–”

“Process, yeah.”

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed. “You’re trying. You are doing the impossible. You’re growing hearts. You’re trying to help, not stabbing people for sport.” She leaned her forehead against Lexa’s. “Come to bed tonight. I miss you.”

“I’m sorry. You’re taking the brunt of it.”

“I’m used to you being the broody, silent-type. No worries.”

“Still. Sometimes I wish that wasn’t my default.”

“I like it. Kind of sexy sometimes.”

“Yeah?” she raised her eyebrows at the news.

“Drink your coffee. I brought you clean scrubs.”

“Do you want to move in?”

“To the lab?”

“To my place. It’s right across the street, and you’re there more than I am. You should think about it.”

“Well. I mean… what are we talking about?”

“I don’t know,” Lexa swallows and scratches the non-existent itch on her neck before getting up quickly, doubling back to grab her coffee. Once she realizes that the words have come out of her mouth, she is dead on her feet and all nerves. She puts a few steps between them. “Yeah. I have rounds. Soon.”

“Me too.”

“Right. Well,” she takes a few more steps before going back to her stunned girlfriend, left standing in the lab with her coffee and her confused look. Lexa kisses her cheek. “Thanks for the coffee. I’ll see you. You know. At my place. Later. For bed. To sleep,” she hits the doorway and laughs nervously, suddenly very awake. “Those were just words, earlier, you know. I don’t think we–”

“We should talk about it,” Clarke tried as Lexa slipped away.

“Right, yeah. Definitely.”

“Dr. Woods I was roun-”

“Dr. Moore I am so glad to see you,” Lexa quickly grabbed the chart not even handed to her.

“This isn’t actually your pati-”

“Let’s walk. Bye, Clarke.”

“Good luck later…” the words trail off once she realizes Lexa is long gone.

Left suddenly alone in the lab, the only thing Clarke can do is wonder if she has to get her address changed or if Lexa could have rescinded the offer in the same breath she muttered it. Beyond even thinking about if she wanted to or not, she was more distracted with what a nerd her girlfriend suddenly became.

With a sip of her coffee, Clarke simply shook her head.

The day was never-ending, and Lexa felt it only even more as she skillfully attempted to avoid a certain doctor with blue eyes that made her say stupid things.

“Just blurted it out,” Indra nodded, shaking her head as Lexa skulked about the nurses station.

“Two days ago,” Lexa sighed, hiding in a chart. “Now I’m avoiding her.”

“Just blurted it and now you’re too scared to talk to her. That’s hilarious,” the nurse chuckled.

“What do I do? I’ve never… I’ve never,” the doctor lowered her voice and leaned across the desk. “I’ve never asked anyone to live with me…”

“You don’t say.”

“Alright, enjoy it,” Lexa rolled her eyes and furrowed.

“Talk to her. Dr. Griffin is pretty well-versed in dealing with you and your… well you complete inability to be normal.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Come on, you know what I mean,” Indra’s voice softened slightly. “Look at it this way. You’re used to being the dork. You’re the nerdy girl in all those movies, and Dr. Griffin is the cheerleader or quarterback or star pitcher. It’s inevitable that you don’t know how to do handle that.”

“I am a internationally-renowned heart specialist who has rebuilt hearts from scraps. I’m not… the dork.”

“Between the two of you, you’re the dork.”

“I’m not…” Lexa stood up straighter.

“Dr. Woods?” an intern chanced, slowly approaching and earning the ire they were expecting. The attending in question rolled her eyes, cocked her hip and waited.

“Spit it out, Foster.”

“There’s a… the man in room… there’s.. I saw… I was wondering.”

“Stop.” Her hand made him gulp as she snatched the chart and began to read it over. “You can go.”

“They don’t know it, but that’s an act. You’re still the dork.”

“I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m the mean attending,” Lexa disagreed. “Clarke is way worse.”

“You asked her to move in and you’re avoiding her. You don’t get an opinion.”

“Whatever,” the doctor grumbled, grabbing her papers and moving towards the door in question. With a high whistle she rounded up the two interns trailing behind her. “Let’s go, kids.”

“Three days,” Clarke laughed as she gazed down at the operation. “Radio silence. And she hasn’t been back home yet.”

“You’re the one that had to date the dorkiest secret dork I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Naturally she’s completely inept,” Raven shook her head. “I mean just look at her.”

There was nothing else Clarke could do, even if she wanted to try. She intently watched Lexa work, deep into the night. Her own day not nearly done with two moms ready to pop in the next few hours.

“God, she really is,” she chuckled. “What do you think she’s going to do when I tell her I moved in?”

“Probably stutter and lose her mind.”

“Yeah. Isn’t it great?”

“Dr. Griffin?” An intern ventured.

“Mom one or two?”

“Two.”

“She has to come home some day, right?” Clarke asked as she stood and looked down once more.

“I don’t know. But the interns are all petrified, so she’s at peak grumpy. Should be any day now.”

Her safe place, as it was, there were moments in which Clarke absolutely hated being within the hospital. When the quiet came, it usually came after the fight was over, after the battle was lost and that feeling of hopelessness descended, when every move was second-guessed, every minute replayed, every end tried.

There were moments that tried her very soul, and yet, the hospital still gave her life, still saved her.

“Where is she?” Lexa sprinted in through the doors as the clean up began. Frantically, she searched all over for the blonde in question.

“I don’t know,” Abby shook her head, pulling her own mask down in defeat. “She… she left.”

Determined and worried, Lexa ran back out into the hall, leaving the operating room in the sad state of affairs she found it. Her head spun, erratic and terrified.

“Where is she?” she barked at interns, stopping them in their tracks. They stopped whispering, already talking of the frantic kind of display put on from the surgeon in question. They shook their heads quickly.

“Lost it…” she heard one of them whisper as she walked away.

“Excuse me?” Lexa wheeled. She earned nothing but silence. “Dr. Griffin just lost three patients, with whom she formed a personal relationship. She lost three lives. Three. All of them were on her hands. How many lives have you lost? How many patients have you watched slip away and do everything you could possibly do and it not be enough?”

“We didn’t–”

“You’re children. Useless toddlers who can’t even fathom what it means to be an adult,” she spat. “One day, that’s going to be each of you. One day, you’re each going to lose it.”

“Lexa…” a voice tried to pull her away.

“The only thing you’re going to have, are the people who understand, who’ve been there.”

“Dr. Woods,” Raven interrupted, pulling the doctor’s arm.

It took a moment, but Lexa pulled away from the group, yanking her away, strutting for a moment and running her hand down her jaw before turning back on them.

“She’s the nice one,” Lexa snarled. “She’s the one that won’t hold it against you for your whispering. She’s the quarterback who secretly wants to be an artist.”

“Oh God,” Raven shook her head.

“No. She’s the nerd,” the doctor realized.

“What?”

“Sshh,” Raven quieted the interns. “She’s figuring it out.”

“I’m the quarterback.”

“So close,” she sighed.

“Mention anything about this again, and I sweat to God, I’ll-”

“Dr. Woods.” The wrath with which Lexa turned and glared at Raven made the surgeon unsure for a moment, but still she stood there. “Clarke needs you more than you need this.”

It took more debate than she would have liked, but Lexa finally stalked away, leaving the interns cowering and oddly introspective at the events.

The hospital was a large beast, but Lexa learned it through Clarke. She met her for dates in lounges, found the best machines, learned the ones that ate dollars, she knew where the tunnels and basement and unused closets all were. Clarke knew the hospital better than she knew herself, and trying to find her in it was damn near impossible.

But still, Lexa tried, undeterred by the past week, by the impossibility of finding her because she knew she must.

By the time she made it to the roof, Clarke was nearly frozen through, but still, she stood there on the helipad with no coat and nothing else to do.

“I tried,” Clarke whispered as Lexa burst through the door. Her lip quivered and her arms wrapped around herself. Lexa watched her breath form clouds as she tried to catch it.

“It’s okay,” Lexa tried. Blood still covered Clarke’s scrubs, her neck, her cheek. “You did everything you could.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

She didn’t have any words, but still, Lexa tried to find them. When it failed, she simply approached the shivering thing on the roof. Clarke sniffled and turned away, jaw flexing and upset, hurting, aching, unsure of what she needed.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa whispered, pulling the blonde into her.

“There’s a man in the lobby who woke up this morning with the whole entire world. I have to tell him that he has nothing.”

“Yeah, you do.” With a heavy sigh, Clarke buried her face in Lexa’s chest, felt the arms wrap around her tighter. “But when you’re done, we’ll go home. Together. And crawl in bed. And I’ll wear those stupid pj’s you like, and we’ll go to bed. And we’ll try again tomorrow.”

“Home?”

“You moved in, didn’t you?”

“Can we just stay here for a minute?”

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded, kissing frozen blonde hair.