Work Text:
He tried to hide it. He really wanted no one to know about this happening to him, but it was surely impossible at this point. He failed at doing the best thing he could do in this situation. Well, it`s not a surprise, to be honest.
He has been a failure since the very beginning after all.
«So, when did it start?», he hears the question once again and shakes his head as if refusing to answer. But in reality, he just can`t remember. How long has it been hard to breath for him, actually? Has it been since those days when Yuu started seeing dreams of that damn mysterious person? Or maybe he has always had that pain inside his chest since living was an unbearable torture from the very beginning.
Maybe it`s just God hating him and not that untreatable disease no one can understand.
«Alma, please, don't be so stubborn, I only want to help!», the voice calls for him again and there are hands on his shoulders to reassure him with such sincere care, that he can't help it.
«Well, I wish you didn`t want it, Komui, cause in that case you would have left me alone!», he snaps, still staring fiercely at the floor.
The silence falls in the laboratory for a few painful seconds. And what hurts the most is that Alma doesn't allow himself to take this chance of running away from these toxic white walls. He hates the Order, he hates the scientists, he hates everything related to Innocence and Akuma and he wishes he could destroy everything that made him live this terrible life, but... He can`t hate Lenalee's brother after all. Not after all the sacrifices Komui kept making for the exorcists` sake.
«Regeneration fixes all the damages», he mutters and his voice sounds so childishly pathetic. «So it's not that bad...»
«It IS bad because your regeneration is not going to last forever...»
«And you won`t be able to make an exorcist zombie out of me, as I am one already», Alma grins bitterly as he can`t help but enjoy the guilt in chief`s eyes for a blink of a moment. He even wants to laugh, but he only chokes on the air, as that thing is back.
«Does it hurt?», Komui asks him with a concern, but it only makes Alma laugh more through coughing. Because this could have hurt, but it is nothing to him anymore. It feels like a scratch in contrast to synchronization tests he had to live through for such a long time (that still haunts him in nightmares when it is especially dark and cold).
It doesn't hurt as much as the reason behind this happening to him. And also...
«It`s just annoying», Alma finally says, taking a towel from Komui and wiping away bloody drops from the corners of his mouth. It tastes like salt and iron now on his tongue, but he is also way too used to it for now. «I even tried to rip my chest to get it away, but there's nothing inside.»
And there's no reason for some flower petals to stuck in his throat, scratching and itching from the inside. But they still keep appearing there for several years.
«I really do not understand how it works. But if there was no regeneration, guess I would have been dead long ago...»
«You wouldn't even have last for a year», Komui nods as he is looking through researches. His voice is shaking and breaks into pauses as if he tries to find words to such (to his mind) a delicate topic. «There is no medicine to cure this illness... Not until the patient... cures themselves.»
«Yeah, or until they die in pain because they know their feelings for someone are not mutual, but they are still not able to move on», Alma raises his hands, because he finds it easier to accept the whole reason behind this stupid conversation. So he stands up from his chair, heading to the door. «Sounds like a perfect death, I am taking it, are we done now?»
But of course Komui can't let him go like this. Alma knows it for sure. Alma almost expects him to grab his hand and to start scolding him as if he was once again a teenage kid. But to his surprise, Komui doesn't move from his place. His quiet question still reaches Alma's ears.
«You don't even know for sure whether you are loved back or not, do you?»
This question is so obvious and stupid but it still makes Alma smile. It`s not even a bitter smile. He doesn't allow himself to get angry at anything related to Yuu. Neither to him nor to these goddamn pink petals of flowers Yuu keeps on seeing in his dreams.
«I am too afraid to know the answer», Alma hopes his voice is not trembling while his throat starts to hurt again - a familiar sign of another session of coughing out blood-stained lotus petals. «Because I won't bear it. And I will not be able to move on.»
There are only two ways to save yourself if your love is not mutual, but they are basically the same. You need to stop loving that person, whether by falling for someone else or by making yourself stop longing for them. That`s pretty much simple, isn't it? Not for him.
Because that feeling he has always had for Yuu is so essential that he can`t even think about losing him. It`s not even about Yuu loving him back, as if he was worth of love anyway. It is enough to have that kind of trust they have shared since they left that dark place to face even deeper darkness of the world around them. Because remembering the terrible endless time before meeting Yuu feels so much worse than some stupid flowers ripping his body from the inside.
Alma is afraid of Yuu pushing him away out of guilt. But most of all Alma is scared to hate the only person he keeps on living for.
So he wants to hold this pain inside his chest, to bury it under those flowers which are killing him slowly. He might be killed by his own love, but he won't let it disturb the only reason this world is worth fighting for. That`s how Alma Karma wants to live through his cursed live of a Second Exorcist. And nothing can break this determination of his.
Nothing, aside from Kanda Yuu entering the room right at the same moment.
«And for what freaking reason you are telling me to attend another examination in a week, you damn sisko... Wait, what the?..»
Yeah, surely what the fuck, Alma agrees silently, because his fingers and lips are covered with his own blood and his jacket's pockets are full of flowers, and there's no way this situation can be explained in any way but telling the truth. No need to say it out loud, the silence of blood dropping to the floor speaks dozens of words he will never be able to tell.
All Alma wants as his last wish is to kill Komui. That's not too much to ask from heaven, huh?
He shrugs his shoulders and stares at his own boots, because he doesn't want to be pitied, not by anyone, not especially by...
«You are a moron»
«WHAT?!»
His panic transforms into anger in a few seconds, because he remembers what a huge idiot he has fallen in love with, and maybe it would be easier to move on from loving this dumbass than he imagined, and...
There are hands on Alma's shoulders, shaking his body to make him lift his head up and there`s something so new in a familiar for so long voice that he barely recognizes it. And he is not even sure if these are Yuu's arms pulling him now in a hug.
«Like I said. You are hopeless. Always hiding everything. Moron», Kanda repeats, tightening the embrace with every pause, because Alma is trembling as it feels like a dream. And he is also embarrassed because they are not alone here, but Yuu doesn't seem to care. He never cares about such things, one more reason of him being so precious. «Now tell me who the hell doesn't love you and we are heading out to break their legs»
... wait, what? Alma blinks a couple of times, trying to understand if he heard it right.
«Seriously, who's that? It's not Lena for sure, or you wouldn't have made it until now...» Kanda glances at Komui who has returned to his table to sip some coffee while pretending there's nothing wrong or right happening in front of him. «So, is it that stupid rabbit? Wait, don't tell me it`s this little asshole I should have probably killed at the gates back then...»
«Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Yuu?», Alma finally manages to find words to pronounce in his suddenly dull head. And to his biggest surprise there's a faint blush on the pale skin so close to his own lips.
«I thought you and I were... I mean, we've always been together, and... Damn, you've got it, right?», it is so unusual and funny for Yuu to sound so awkward. But it makes the hole filled with flowers somewhere deep in his chest suddenly feel warm. «But if you don't love me for now, it's fine. You'll probably do at some point, so we will get you out of this shitty story, you just should have told me... Wait, why are you laughing?!»
«B-because I am a moron, am I?», Alma sees an absolute lack of understanding in Kanda's eyes and can`t help it but starts giggling again. «I am a stupid, o-overdramatic moron!..»
«You are telling me nothing new, you were like this since the very beginning!»
«But you still fell for me, didn't you?» Alma chuckles as he sees the blush on the other's face getting deeper. And even though he is out of breath because of laughing too loud, it suddenly feels so much easier to breath already. Maybe because he will finally be able to fill the silence and emptiness with feelings he tried to bury inside his chest. «It's alright, Yuu.»
He also did fall for one certain moron since the moment they've met each other.