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«So, how does it feel like?.. No, never mind», Kanda interrupts his own words as he wishes he could punch himself. Communication has always been his weakest side, because he never needed it. Because he always knew that the Order does not care what he feels or wants, so why should he try voicing it. But now the silence is torturing him, because there are thousands of words he should have been able to tell. And he was about to break it with the most inappropriate theme possible. Fucking awesome.
«What is it?» Alma asks him still, not looking at him and still gazing absent-mindedly at the crowded station their train is about to leave. He is still not in the best condition, but they had no time to waste staying at one place. And it's not Alma's physical weakness which is pretty obvious after all the years of unconsciousness. After all the horrible experiments the Order forced on him.
«Told you, it's nothing...»
«Yuu», Alma's seemingly disinterested in anything voice finally changes its tone and it`s such a relief to hear it.
Because what Kanda fears the most somewhere deep inside, looking at that lack of emotions on Alma's face is that he regrets staying alive. Because living hurts, but what hurts the most now is watching Alma giving the world that cold gaze Kanda recognizes too well as he has been seeing it in the mirror for the past ten years.
It feels so wrong to see Alma as this broken ghost of his past cheerful self, but it just couldn't be the other way after all the shit happened to them. It is actually selfish to even wish for him to...
«Oh, come on», the encouraging smile still appears on Alma's pale lips. It is weak and faint and he still prefers to look through the window without looking into Kanda's eyes, but it's still here. And it's more than enough for now. «You know, I am not biting».
«You have a right though», it's still freaking hard. Words are running out of his head the exact same moment they should have left his mouth, and it pisses him off. «I wanted to ask how does it feel...»
«Being an Akuma?», he almost jumps when Alma interrupts him with an unnaturally calm voice. He almost feels ashamed for asking it. He was at fault after all. Because of him the only person he cared for had to go through such pain. Through the torture of being used by the Order along with the Noah. Not to mention the confusion and fear because of... He averts his eyes, not even daring to say a word. Words are hard, but he knows for sure there is not a single one to express all the guilt he feels now. And then his heart skips a beat as he hears a weak giggle: «Stop being like that, Yuu».
Like what, Kanda wants to wonder with anger, but he feels Alma's hand covering his fingers and he grasps it back at the instant, just in order to feel how real it is. And it surely is, it's much paler than one of any human (so they had to get a cape in order to move safely without any unnecessary attention) but it's still soft and real, so there`s nothing more he could ask for.
«It's fine...» Alma breaks another uneasy silence they had to share lately and his voice is much softer than before. Just like those awkward reassuring words he tried to say after the tests. «It's surprisingly fine. It's not like I was a human at any point of my life after all».
«... Yeah», Kanda nods, as he remembers. How could he forget though? He didn't despite all the attempts to bury the memories deep inside. He tried to focus on his only reason to stay alive, but maybe he simply never wanted to forget the only person he felt alive with.
And it was still so hard to believe in their reunion he never hoped for.
«Does it feel wrong to you?», Alma wonders. «Me being an...»
«No!»
«Come on, I am not about to blame you if...»
«There are no «ifs» I told you I'm fine!», Kanda snaps and bites his tongue as he sees the rest of the passengers turning their way too curious heads to them. But he still continues with a calmer tone. «I am fine only if you are fine, that's all».
And he expects everything but Alma giggling in his hand. What the hell did he do wrong now?
«Wow, sounds so romantic, Yuu...»
«Nothing at all, you are just being dumb!»
The train finally moves on and all the people continue minding their own business. It's not like Kanda cares about them. There were way too much people around him during the past years, but Alma is here at last so he is the only one his attention is drawn to.
«Sometimes I wonder if I do really exist», Alma goes on, and even though the way his voice sounds is still new, Kanda remember those intonations of senseless rumbling he used to be so annoyed by at first. «Like, you know? My memories... Memories of my past self... Something behind the Dark Matter that is screaming inside of me. Sometimes I feel like this body is not mine or as if I am seeing a dream I can't wake up from. And it feels kind of... What was that word, Yuu?»
«Shitty»
«Yeah, right... And also my eyes hurt a lot now. Is it because Akuma can't stay under the sunshine for a long time?»
«No, it's just because of the sun. It shines too freaking bright at first», even though it was so long ago, he remembers. The way the sun was blinding him with its brightness after days spent under the ground. «You'll deal with it».
«I hope so...»
«There’s something about the sunshine that helps to get better. At least they told me so once, and they might be right. You're finally looking slightly better than a dead fish»
«And you are still so rude», another laughter makes his heart pound. And he wants to smile back. There is nothing to laugh at in their situation, but he still feels his lips moving a little bit. And it's the biggest prove they are doing fine. «But... I am still a little bit afraid that you don't need me».
«What?»
This line sounds so weird. But it was Kanda making him promise to voice every doubt or thought he might have. Because they don't want to waste their time on misunderstanding. Because they don't want anyone to use them against each other once again.
«Because you have changed. Or because I did change into...»
Talking takes way too much courage. But it's not like Kanda ever wanted to waste it to protect this world or something. So he'll take all of it for now.
«I don't think I was able to change without you by my side»
Because every change means living. And all those years of so called living now are remembered so vaguely. Like a long bad dream.
«So that's how it is...» Alma rests his head on his shoulder, their hands still brought together. «Is it selfish of me to be glad now?»
«I don't care», Kanda shrugs his shoulders. Because he really doesn't. «Hey, you`re not falling asleep, are you?»
«Don't knoww...» Yep, he will fall asleep soon for sure. But it's fine. They had to walk way too long for the past few days. So they deserve to take some rest. «And what if I wake up and feel like a real Earl's Akuma?»
They are still aware of such risk, but there is no other choice. It seems that no one is aware of them surviving for now. So it might help them to win some time.
«Then I'll wake you up from it»
«Yeah, do it with a kiss like in that fairytale we read...»
«Damn it, Alma»
But Kanda almost laughs along with him this time. He almost remembers how easy it was to be with Alma even when there was nothing but the darkness around them.
«Yuu?»
«What now? Didn't you want to sleep?»
«I do, but...» Alma grabs his arm, clinging to it, and this gesture is so childish, but how can anyone blame him for it? «I just wonder if this is real... Maybe I am still dreaming at their place... Maybe I never wanted to wake up because I knew that you've left me...»
Because waking up takes so much courage, as your life starts when your eyes are no longer closed. But Kanda is not going to avert his eyes from the person his own awakening started with.
«This time I know you are here», he repeats one more time, grasping Alma's hand a little bit stronger. «So be sure that I'll wake you up»
Because he himself finally has the courage to live through anything. So he will find a way to share it.
That way from their old book is probably not a bad one for sure.