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This is the moment she thinks she’s stopped believing here’s a god. With a small-framed girl supporting her back to her messy apartment, she’s not even sure where she is anymore. Is it possible that this cruelty can be a part of life?
She is sure her breath smells like alcohol and she regrets everything she’s done, memories of trying to force drinks after drinks drown her own throat to make her forget how to feel, to need, to love.
She’s not bothered by the way Jess almost throws her into the bed because everything has been lost, and everything has been destroyed because Lena finally admitted that she’s a freak, and she’s proven that she’s unloved, and it will stay like that forever.
She feels the first of what she knows is going to become pressing, numbing headaches soon, with a glass of water is put down in her nightstand with an unnecessary loud clink.
“Drink this, you’ll need it tomorrow.”
She distantly wonders how Jess can be so worried about her all the time and always try to convince her that Lena is not disturbed, not in the wrong, that it’s all and she will not find herself in hell when she eventually leaves this world.
“What I need is to die.”
And suddenly Jess is the one crying while Lena just lies there, stares at the ceiling with a dead expression. But when her assistant’s sobs order her to not say things like that and pleads Lena to come to her senses, she more than anything wonders why she would. She just asks herself with a sort of strangely calm desperation how long it will take until she can forget Kara’s sorry face when she decided to just walk away.
Jess decided that showing Lena her tears is not the best thing to do at the moment, however, so she closes the door with promises that she just need to stop away the alcohol and tomorrow it will all feel better. Lena almost laughs because when was the last time anything felt better or even close to a remotely good? And no matter how much Jess tried to make things right, her assistant is way too naïve to ever really help her. She closes her eyes but it only helps the drinks build the illusion that everything is spinning, and she’s so tired she surprised herself that she even cares to crawl under the covers as she does so.
Luckily she’s no time to be surprised at how fast she falls asleep, because she doesn’t think she can handle another feeling tonight. Though she probably would make it through that as well, because it’s not like she has a choice in the first place anyway. She never does.