Chapter Text
It’s already the seventh shot of Aldebaran rum and Kara still can’t get used to the burning sensation down her throat. Not that she felt any pain, she could hardly feel anything except a huge void in her chest. Kara knew human drink alcohol to forget their pain, but somehow this just reminded her of probably the biggest mistake she ever done.
Lena loved her whisky, no doubt about that. There’s a bottle of steadily decreasing expensive whisky on her office, a flask in her purse, and Rao knew how much she had in her apartment. The way she poured the liquid over sphere-shaped ice, twirling it mindlessly before taking a sip. How her heartbeat increased, temperature rising, and pale skin slowly turned pink. And Lena will start undid her hair, opened a few buttons of her blouse, and rant about her day to Kara. Her soft smiles, light touches and sleepy eyes.
Kara stood up and began refilling her mug. Shots seemed useless, so why not drink more? Another hour passed and she started feeling the buzz. Alex was still on DEO working overnight training the newbies but they both knew the truth; Alex couldn’t stand being in her apartment alone, not when Maggie used to be there, welcoming her home with some home-made cooking and beers in hands. Kara used to say that everything will be fine again, that Alex will overcome her sadness, and this came from someone who have lost her entire planet and civilization.
It happened too many times to call it a simple distraction. Alex with her work, and Kara with… whatever this was.
Her audio system was playing something, she wasn’t really paying attention. The sound haunting, echoed throughout the room, disconnecting her from the world outside. Let me down the easy way. Let me down the easy way, let me forget about you, Lena. She could feel the sound wave vibrating around her body, tugging and touching constantly. The eerie music fit her hearing senses perfectly, just like Lena’s voice.
The first time Kara heard her, it was the erratic heartbeat and blood streaming in her veins. She expected that from a Luthor meeting a Kent, especially when that Kent was the one responsible for her brother being in prison. But when Lena spoke… Rao when Lena spoke, Kara couldn’t care less about her surrounding. The way her voice resonance in her mouth, how her low and steady timbre won’t betray the nerve she’s having. How she said Kara’s name like it meant something more than a name. How every word encouraged her but also hid a certain shyness inside. How it was so strong, yet fragile at the same time.
And her crying voice.
The one that Kara caused.
Kara was always the cause.
When someone or something beat her up, or when she lost consciousness for a few days, or when she helped Barry on another earths, Lena was the one who cried the loudest. Not with deafening wails, but with silent sobs. Like crickets in a meadow on a silent night, it’s there, but not really there. And it’s killing Kara more than anything else.
To be the cause of someone’s pain. Someone who carry the sins of her whole family alone. Someone who faced the world who hated her so much with a smile. Someone who had such a big and beautiful heart, so magnificent that Kara felt unworthy to be on the receiving end of it. Someone who was too good to be true, yet there she was.
When Kara told her that she wanted out, ended the relationship for good, Lena was speechless. Her heartbeat drumming with a rhythm Kara knew best. Her eyes hollow and expressionless.
“I can’t be the reason of your stress anymore, Lena. You deserve someone better than me. You need someone who can ease your stress, not causing them. I..I can’t be that person. Not with the way I live. I really think you will be better off without me.”
Lena just sat there, unmoving, with unreadable face. Kara was sure her face was drowning in tears already and people were staring at her but Lena is still unmoving, like a marble statue in a Burberry coat under dim lights.
“Lena please say something.”
“Give me two double shots of your strongest scotch, neat, now.” Lena spoke to the bartender, eyes never leaving Kara’s
“Lena, I… I’m sorry. I really am, I don’t—“
“So you’ll just walk away, give up like everyone else? That’s grand, Kara.”
“No! I’m not walking away, I’ll always be here. It’s just—“
Her drinks came, and she gulped one of them in a second.
“It’s just I’m not worth fighting for, these whole time was a waste of time, you finally realized that a Super can’t be with a lowly Luthor, I’m too much for you to handle. Is it any of that, or let me guess. It’s all of the above. Yay.” She sipped her second glass before throwing the rest into Kara’s face.
“Fuck you and your righteousness. I hope you live well, fucking stronger together my ass.”
And with that Kara knew she killed the last string of happiness she’ll ever have.
Each drink burned down her throat adding to the sizzle of need at the base of her stomach. She blamed the heat mixed with the alcohol for the dull ache. It made her mind fuzzy, got her drunk on the lovey delusions that the lights created.
The first time Lena opened up about her feelings to Kara, it was on the end of September. Cool air of autumn blew outside Lena’s expensive condo, with hot cocoa in both of their hands. Kara remembered how the music from this musician called Balam Acab fit the moment perfectly.
“Do you know my summer house by the sea near the cliffs? I love it there. The small space with huge windows that lead to the sea. I often spend so many time looking out there, wondering if there anyone out there will care if I just pack my bag and disappear completely. Sure, one or two will notice, but no one would really care, you know?”
Kara listened carefully, threading fingers slowly into Lena’s hand, like she made of glass. It’s a rare occasion to hear her girlfriend telling her feeling out of the blue, so she intended to do whatever it took to made her felt safe.
“I was lonely. And felt useless and drained and wondering my purpose in life was. But then you came, a ray of sunshine rising from the horizon. I didn’t know I was able to be loved and here we are. I just want you to know that I love you, like…”
Lena looked at their intertwined fingers, lifted them up and kissed Kara’s hand.
“Like the sea embracing the cliff. It does so without hesitation, without realizing that it would break itself but it kept on going, diving head first every time. You’re my rock, Kara, with all that solid abs and biceps, the best thing that ever happened to me. And I will be the sea, gravitating towards you, crushing myself over and over again.”
Kara gripped her mug a little too tight and it broke to pieces. At times like this she wished she was human, so the broken glass could actually hurt her and she would forget about the pain in her heart but hey, one can only wish.
The fourth bottle of the rum was almost empty when she recalled what Mon-El said when she wanted to go on with this whole Supergirl debacle.
Don’t fuck up your pretty face, that’s the only thing you ’re worth of.
Everything was getting blurred, she was alone and lonely, and the heartache was getting worse. She hurt someone who mattered the most to her, and maybe, just maybe, Kara will keep punishing herself like this.