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Hoseok isn't the kind of person that Yoongi would go to with his problems, not because he doesn't trust the latter, but because he thinks that Hoseok's bubbly personality would clash with his experiences.
He tried to hide it from Hoseok at first. It didn't stay a secret for very long because recently Yoongi hit a wall and couldn't compose any lyrics he thought was decent and his lack of sleep from the stress wasn't helping at all. Even though he was in bed for seven hours, the actual time he spent sleeping was probably less than half that amount.
"Hyung," Hoseok's whisper, still clouded with sleep, resounds through the room. "It's nine."
On any other day Yoongi would be grumbling while pulling himself out of Hoseok's grasp; working as a full time producer and rapper took a lot of time, and Yoongi wanted to see Hoseok during the day and not at two a.m. when he slipped into the house, trying to make as little noise as possible.
Today isn't every day though.
Yoongi feels something weighing down on him-- it presses him into the bed with a grip so strong that Yoongi can't bring himself to even try to get up, let alone go to produce in the studio.
Baby steps, he reminds himself. He pries open his eyes, to meet Hoseok's worried ones.
"Hyung? Are you okay?" It takes him a minute to figure out how to respond to Hoseok, who doesn’t have any details about Yoongi's situation. Yoongi just ends up shaking his head, and sighing into the covers. Even as he faces Hoseok, his eyes are glassy, and he doesn't seem to actually see anything. It looks like he's lost in his own world.
The younger’s voice shakes him back into reality. “You know that you can tell me anything, okay? I’m not going to judge you, and I’m not going to tell anyone.” His warm hands slide into Yoongi’s cold ones from underneath the sheets.
“Seok-ah,” Yoongi begins quietly, “I don’t expect someone like you to understand this fully. Not because you’re lacking in some area, but because I think that to be able to understand it you have to go through it.” Hoseok’s gaze burns into his head, Yoongi swallows nervously. “In no way is that a bad thing, I wouldn’t ever wish something like this on you, not on anyone.”
“I don't really know where I'm going with this, so I'm just going to talk and hopefully some of this will connect. Feel free to ask questions, though I can't guarantee that I'll answer any of them,” Yoongi closes his eyes for a moment, Hoseok watches them flutter open to meet his eyes again.
"Like a lot of people, I feel that some days are better than others. There are both good days and bad days, but it seems that other people have an easier time getting through their bad days compared to me." Yoongi frowns a bit. "I think that I go through more bad days than other people do in general, and I think that they affect me more than other people's bad days do. I'll go deeper into that, give me a minute." Hoseok waits so patiently, and Yoongi is grateful for that.
"It started in high school. I've told you that my parents were never supportive of my music at the beginning. They weren't abusive or anything, but I was always discouraged to do music because in their words, it 'wouldn't amount to anything' and that I wouldn't be able to make a living from it. I can see that they were trying to be realistic, but it was hard to hear that about doing music because I loved it so much," Yoongi's eyes flick up to the ceiling, then back again. "It hurts more than I'd like to admit it, and I think that that's one of the reasons I think the way I do." Yoongi falls silent, and Hoseok takes the chance to ask a question.
"I can kind of see where this is going. From what it sounds like, it's something that's more of a mental problem than a physical one, right?" Yoongi seems to think about it, before answering.
"Yeah, I suppose that when it started it was a mental problem. As time went by it got worse though, and it became a bit of a physical problem as well. These thoughts, they range from like," Yoongi shifts a bit, looks slightly uncomfortable. Hoseok rubs his hands, giving him an encouraging smile. "They range from 'ok you gotta redo this because it's not good enough to like 'maybe you should just go die because the stuff that you're producing isn't good enough and you're going to get replaced right after they find a better person'," he says quickly, and glances at Hoseok. His eyes are closed.
He seems sense Yoongi watching for his reaction, because he opens his eyes. "Sorry, can you let me process that? It's not going to take that long. I just want to think this out before you continue so I don't jump to conclusions or anything." He pauses, then more quietly, "Can I ask you some questions?"
Yoongi nods.
"Is today a good day or a bad day?"
Out of all questions, Yoongi didn't really expect that. "Well," he begins, "the mornings depend on a few things. Waking up, there's always a feeling, gut instinct, y'know. Then there's how I do at the studio, how much I get done, how I feel about my work. I thought today was going to be a bad day. It's not that I didn't want to get up earlier, but I couldn't. If that makes any sense."
Hoseok nods. "Yeah, that makes a lot of sense." There's silence for a bit. Not that kind that's awkward because neither one knows how to break the silence, but the kind that's comfortable.
Hoseok ends up asking another question. He looks a bit hesitant to ask it. "There's one thing that worries me," he looks at Yoongi, debating whether or not he should ask. "You said that- that your thoughts range to what sounds like suicidal thoughts," Yoongi sees Hoseok's hesitation, and nods for him to continue. "Is that, like, a current thing? Is that the worst of it, is there anything else physically that you like, do?" It comes out rushed, and Yoongi can feel Hoseok visibly tense up.
Yoongi breathes out. "One thing at a time, okay? Uh. Suicidal thoughts." Yoongi doesn't like admitting this to other people because he's always treated differently afterwards. Like glass. Like a porcelain doll. "It's a current thing to some extent, I suppose. It's not as intense I guess. Like I'll do something that isn't great for the mixtape, or I'll get behind on writing, and I seems to automatically reroute to those kinds of thoughts. But compared to before, the thoughts I have now aren't nearly as bad." He looks at Hoseok, gauging his reaction. It's not really a surprise to Yoongi that Hoseok's eyes had a shine to it, and he looks up and blinks every so often. Yoongi remembers all the times he'd do that. He looks up to the ceiling and continues.
"Is that the worst of it," he repeats Hoseok's words verbatim. "That depends on what your idea of bad is, but in terms of thoughts, yes. In terms of action, no." Yoongi can already hear Hoseok sniffling next to him. "Seok-ah, it's not as bad as it used to be, okay? I'm a bit better," he reassures Hoseok. "I got into all types of trouble during middle and high school. I got into like, pills for a month or so before I realized how expensive that shit is, I probably smoked like ten packs of cigarettes in high school, and, well, the one that probably did the most damage is also the one that I've been doing for the longest." He takes a deep breath. Even though he wants to be confident, it comes out in a whisper. "It started at the beginning of high school, up until now." He grips Hoseok's hands a bit tighter. "I cut myself."
Hoseok knew that it was a possibility, and that's why he asked. It doesn't stop him from the shock though. He doesn't say anything, just pulls Yoongi closer to him. He was one arm over Yoongi's waist, his head resting on his elder's. Hoseok does the mental calculations. He's been cutting since high school. It's been, like, ten years.
"I'm sorry," he whispers. "That I didn't notice. I knew you had it worse than others, but I didn't pry because I didn't think that you'd appreciate it." Hoseok doesn't relent in holding Yoongi, who gives a small snort, and shoots back, "It's not like you could've done anything anyways," he chides, "so don't feel too bad. Okay?"
Hoseok counters his question with another one, asking what he could do to help. Yoongi thinks about it. Makes a mental list. "So for cutting. I know the logical thing to do is to get rid of all my razors and whatnot but I don't really have the self-control to part with them and I know that I'll end up getting more, so do you think that I could just leave them with you and ask for them if I need to use one of them?" Hoseok says that he's good with it and says that if Yoongi cuts he needs to tell someone. He makes it clear that it doesn't have to be him, that it can be anyone as long as someone knows.
Yoongi nods, and continues. "Uh. I already have this set up with Namjoon, we do a color system? I'm not sure what it's called. But when I, y'know, feel bad, I text him with a color. It's really simple and somewhat self-explanatory I suppose. There's red, yellow and green, and it ranges from worst to best case scenario. Namjoon checks up on me sometimes too. Mainly it's so if I panic I can let someone know without having to explain too much." Yoongi finishes his small rant with a blush. "Sorry for taking over the conversation."
Hoseok insists that it's fine because he wanted to learn more about Yoongi anyways. "I'll do my best to pick up on this kind of stuff, but please come to me if you can?" Yoongi smiles up at him and says that he'll try.
They cuddle after that, Yoongi lets Hosoek be the big spoon for once, and it's quiet for a bit. After a while, Hoseok suggests that they go down to the local cafe for breakfast.
They get up at 10:34, and Yoongi feels great.
Today is going to be a good day.