Work Text:
it was yet another sunny day of the month of may when zhangjing woke up. rays of the sun filtering through his open window. open? he cracks his eyes open and scrunches his nose. did he forget to close his windows last night?
sheets shuffled as he pulls the blanket off himself. hands busy rubbing off the remaining of his sleep. feet searching for his slippers. when the bare skin of his feet touches the soft fluffy fur of his slippers he smiles. sliding his feet in and standing up.
he stretches himself as he watches butterflies flutter over flowers, bees buzzing while collecting nectars, then there were birds chirping behind the leaves, perched on branches. he smiles and greets them all.
then soft knocks broke him from his own little reverie. soft padding noises as he walks towards his door. he gets a hold of the cold metal knob of his door and twists it. the door opens and reveals chaoze who's fully dressed to go out. from behind him was dinghao, his head peeking out from chaoze's shoulders because of his height.
"ge, we're going grocery shopping," chaoze says. eyes a bit sadder than usual.
"today's our graduation celebration!" dinghao cheerfully chimes from behind chaoze, his hands on chaoze's shoulders, making the smaller dip lower than his height could allow him to stand up.
zhangjing had been sharing a house with chaoze and dinghao. they share the food and expenses. even school problems and stress. they have always been there for him. he could not thank them enough.
"do you want me to come with you?" zhangjing asks, ready to leave the door to go and prepare for shopping. but chaoze holds on to his wrist, stopping him.
zhangjing looks at him and that sadness in his eyes has become more apparent now for the elder to see.
"no, it's okay zhangjing-ge. we can manage. besides we'll just be preparing half of the dishes. yuehua university boys are coming tonight," chaoze explains.
"oh," was all zhangjing could respond, it won't hurt to let me see the sun, he thinks to himself.
"so, you're going to stay home all day?" dinghao asked innocently, all curiosity and eyes big.
"no," zhangjing smiles, chaoze bites the inside of his cheek. dinghao notices it too.
zhangjing smile is not as complete as before. his smiles no longer reach his eyes. his smile no longer gives the feel of directly looking at sun, seeing its radiance and feeling its warmth.
"i'm going to meet yanjun,"
if heartbreaks were ever audible, the sound of it breaking like a ceramic hitting the floor as it falls, chaoze and dinghao's hearts could have been heard all through the small hallway of their shared home.
"is it today?" dinghao asks. zhangjing gives him a short, small nod.
chaoze gives off a sigh, "just don't forget to lock the door before you go," then he's dragging off dinghao to the front door, there was a soft thud as they left zhangjing to himself.
again. alone. cold.
maybe chaoze is just fed up. zhangjing cannot blame the younger for acting like that. he's been succumb by his own little sad world. he likes the light and warmth of the sun but refuses to face it. he likes to see animals playing around but he chooses to just watch them from his window.
he likes to keep his distance on things.
and maybe, maybe people would start distancing themselves from him. they're all tired after all. they are all tired of zhangjing and the sad world he's in.
zhangjing walks to his vanity table. grey circles around his eyes despite sleeping too much these days. sunken cheeks, very much different from those rosy soft cheeks he used to have.
zhangjing does not hate it.
he does not hate it.
he chose this.
zhangjing then reaches for that only picture on his table. a photo of his love. a love that has long been gone and away from reach. lin yanjun, his lin yan jun.
but today he's meeting him. today he'll tell him in that place where they always meet, all things that happened to him since he was away.
zhangjing immediately pulls off his shirt and everything he wears and rests and relaxes on the bathtub.
the soft whiteness of the bathroom reminding him of the days when he used to share this tub with yanjun. they'd play with bubbles and there's that rubber duck that yanjun would push towards zhangjing as he says, "i love you, beautiful," then zhangjing would smile as his heart picks up its pace. it always do. because yanjun is all random and sweet and romantic and every time is all perfect when he's there. zhangjing takes the rubber duck and pushes it back to yanjun's place while whispering as if his loud voice could pop bubbles, he would tell yanjun, "i love you more, lin yanjun, you and everything you have and you are."
then yanjun would pull him by his wrist. zhangjing would end up on his lap. yanjun looking slightly up at him with a smirk as he pulls the elder closer until he could feel it. blood rushing up the tips of his ears and under his skin. and then yanjun would kiss him. kiss him delicately at first, a hand on his cheeks, thumb caressing the soft skin of zhangjing, holding him like he's fragile china, like he might break with the tiniest of pressures.
but zhangjing is not. and so he would push through. he would invite the younger man's tongue in his warm place. heat him up and get him into the mood. and they'd end up making love. yanjun on top him on their bed, and zhangjing bent in half under and all rosy cheeks and mouth agape, eyes rolling back as yanjun hits that same good, same sweet place he loves so much. zhangjing would fall asleep, the next day he would find himself all tangled with the younger. yanjun's soft breathing fanning his head as he lays on his chest loving the music of yanjun's heartbeat.
zhangjing did not know how long had he been in the bath. all he knew, he needed to put that one outfit that yanjun would love to see him wear. he looks at his reflection in the body size mirror he and chaoze bought one day because dinghao had been complaining how he cannot see his whole outfit and that he might actually look stupid with it.
he was wearing the blue flannel yanjun got him on their first week. that day was cold, yanjun brought it for himself, it was supposed to be the first time for him to wear it but zhangjing looked like he might freeze to death anytime that day despite having a roll of two layers of jackets on him already. the blue flannel was not of big help, but the thought that yanjun gave it to him, put it on him, and that it radiated the body heat from yanjun wearing it for an hour of travel is what made it a lot more welcoming and warming. inside, zhangjing chose to wear just a plain white shirt. black pants and sneakers to pair.
there was no noticeable difference of his before and after bath appearance. his hair just looks softer to the touch. like the way yanjun loves it. on lazy afternoons yanjun would flip over tv channels or watch a new tv show as zhangjing's head is on his lap, yanjun's long fingers running through his hair, casually massaging his scalp. and then zhangjing would fall asleep at the feeling. it's all nice and comforting. it's all love and security around yanjun.
zhangjing would wake up the next hour with yanjun hovering over him. his lips been long abused. lips swollen. but zhangjing would still smile and ask yanjun to do it again. kiss him. kiss him more because he wants to feel him. to hold him. to love him.
zhangjing did not forget to lock the door like chaoze had reminded him. his heart races as he welcomes the world outside. a world that he has not seen after a long time of locking himself inside the four corners of his room. with only papers he had to finish and books to read and pens to write with and pencils that yanjun used to love to hold so just he could draw zhangjing's smile. one of his favorites, he used to tell zhangjing and then zhangjing would blush like furious roses are blooming on his cheeks. zhangjing walks to the station and waits for a bus. holding onto his phone and a wallet on his pocket. enjoying the sun touching his face. the thin layer of waffle smell wafting through the air as he passes by a small stall on his way to the station. yanjun loves waffles, he would always ask zhangjing to buy one for him for breakfast as zhangjing does his daily jog.
everything seems to remind zhangjing. they all seem so fresh they do not look like memories that happened a long time ago. it was not that long. but still old that it is strange how vivid zhangjing remembers them like they just happened a day before.
as zhangjing sits on the bench and there is that small memory at the back of his head playing.
a sad day. cloudy, gloomy, cold day when they met. zhangjing had been down, sad, broken and crying. he did not meet his deadline. he'd be extending another university year. he's a hopeless case. a disappointment to his family. a failure to himself.
then something hard hit his head. he whipped his around, ready to throw that thick manuscript to the offender. when a man, maybe a foot taller than zhangjing comes up. eyebrows furrowed in worry and concern.
"shit, i'm sorry. are you okay? oh gods," he said, looking, inspecting zhangjing's head.
zhangjing could still remember how yanjun smelled that day. he was sweaty from playing basketball with his friends. he smelled of adventures.
"i'm okay. get on with your game. don't worry i won't die," zhangjing declared in monotone.
the other man chuckled, zhangjing could feel something lilt in his stomach, i'm just hungry, he told himself.
"you're so serious," the other guy commented. zhangjing was ready to fire up but could not find the spirit to. the other guy noticed it, his hunched shoulders, his watery eyes, his hair ends pointing to all directions. zhangjing was tired.
the basketball guy's friends were already calling out to him.
"hey, just one favor then, what's your name? major?" zhangjing was too tired to argue and reason, "you zhangjing, communication arts," then yanjun was repeating it to his mind as he jogs back to his friends but not forgetting on leaving a soft "thanks" and "i'mlinyanjunbytheway," to zhangjing who did not care. he was just glad to have gotten rid of the other man.
then the next day, zhangjing saw him. a smile and cute dimple displaying as he walks toward the smaller.
"here," yanjun offers him an apple. zhangjing only raises an eyebrow, "damn dinghao said you liked apples,"
"you know dinghao?"
"we're friends?" yanjun said still smiling.
"he knows i met you?"
"i asked him if he knows a comm arts major named you zhangjingㅡ"
"and he sold me?" yanjun got almost overcome by the pleasure of the facts that dinghao flooded him with: zhangjing's address, blood type, status (definitely single), hobbies... all for a 2-month supply of ice cream. it's so hot in summer, dinghao told yanjun.
"not really, but do you want the apple or nah?" then something unexpected happened. you zhangjing smiled. it surprised them both. then they're both smiling, then laughing.
it's how it all started. they started hanging out. yanjun's an arts major and he'd casually draw one of zhangjing's pretty smiles when they're under that big tree that offered them enough shade so they can sleep under and spend their vacant class then there's that one time when one of zhangjing's professors pointed out his bodyㅡhe'd been gaining weight. yanjun's determined to make zhangjing his, to claim his heart and give his in return. zhangjing stopped eating. he would settle for water. he would keep his hunger to himself. watch dinghao munch on his burger. watch chaoze order more foods. but zhangjing won't touch any of them.
yanjun saw it. noticed it. he told zhangjing that he was alright. that he was perfect. he wasn't fat. he wasn't chubby. he wasn't bloated. then he'd ask zhangjing to eat with him. zhangjing did not budge at first, so yanjun would not eat as well. yanjun would not eat if zhangjing woult not too. not wanting the basketball player to starve and practice like a lame balloon later, zhangjing started eating again. yanjun told him, always remind him to never mind other people. he was perfect. zhangjing was perfect to yanjun.
it was the cold month of december when zhangjing finally accepted yanjun's love. they kissed like the usual romantic lovers under the mistletoe. clichè but sweet. promising things in every touch.
the honk of the bus ripped zhangjing out of his daydream and reminiscing. he chose a seat at the back of the bus. he was alone there. there's that thing again. how long has zhangjing kept himself isolated from the world? how much did he miss? does he regret any of it? he was not sure.
he likes the idea of memories. of smiling as you remember things with the person you're thinking of, like the person in that memory is actually there just beside you. like yanjun is just right next to him again, holding his hand as they both watch the landscape pass by through the glass window of the bus. zhangjing used to look up and casually give yanjun a kiss. it would shock yanjun at first then he'd ask for more and zhangjing would refuse to because a whole bunch of high schoolers have boarded the space. "you will have to wait 'til we get to your apartment," zhangjing would whisper too close to his ears, then zhangjing was chuckling at the sight of yanjun stiffening on his seat, his adam's apple visibly bobbing as he swallows.
ten minutes of bus ride and zhangjing has finally arrived. he gets off the bus and hops to the nearest ice cream shop. the same shop where yanjun bought him a ten scoop high ice cream in a cone. zhangjing was all giggly as he tries to catch all the melt-offs from falling and dripping to his hand. yanjun called him out, making zhangjing look up. a hand reaching out with a tissue to wipe off the ice cream at the edges of zhangjing's lips. the elder's heart instantly races. he averts his gaze as yanjun chuckles knowing that zhangjing feels the butterflies with that small sweet gesture. then they'd walk up, climb to the top of that small hill in the park. where a lone tree offers wide, cool shade under it.
zhangjing walks up that hill too.
because that is where yanjun would be.
when he's finally on top he's alone.
zhangjing is not waiting for someone to arrive. he has his hand trace on the same letters same yanjun and zhangjing carved three years ago on the tree bark. it was corny and childish, yanjun would say as he watches zhangjing carve with a sharp piece of metal he picked up on their way:
zhangjing + yanjun
yanjun laughed. it looks stupid and unromantic. like it was done by thirteen year old couples.
but then, he borrows the metal piece from zhangjing and adds:
= forever
so it was written:
zhangjing + yanjun = forever
"i can't believe I'm already in college and still do silly things like this," yanjun commented, a hand on zhangjing's waist.
"it's cute, but yeah a bit silly too," zhangjing agrees as they watch their artwork together.
but now zhangjing is watching it alone.
he said he's meeting yanjun.
but yanjun is out of reach.
he is all alone there.
reminiscing, remembering the most beautiful memories alone.
"happy anniversary," zhangjing whispers to the wind. "i miss you so much, yanjun," he could not keep the hurt and sadness and loneliness from his voice. oh, how he wish yanjun is standing under that three again, watching their artwork on the place where nothing ever mattered but the two of them.
then he's crying.
he wants to turn back time. it impossible but he still wishes he could.
three years and he still could not go on with his life.
he can't forget lin yanjun. he will never forget the love of his life. his first love. his first of everything. the first person who made him realize that he matters. that he is loved. that he is beautiful. that zhangjing is enough.
he can't go back like the things could ever be the same way before. because it's all different. everything changed from that one moment in their lives that shook them and turn their worlds upside down.
a car accident. it involved lin yanjun going to surprise you zhangjing for their second anniversary, a drunk truck driver who smashed the front of his truck to the driver's side of lin yanjun's car to end it all for you zhangjing.
totally devastated, you zhangjing refused to attend the funeral. he only stayed for the burial for a few minutes before breaking down and begging chaoze to get him back to his room, to his bed that he once shared with yanjun. he cried all day and night, calling out yanjun’s name until he’s fallen asleep, clutching that lone jacket yanjun once gave him.
sometimes he could not believe it. he would sleep believing, wishing, hoping that it is all a bad, bad dream. that he wakes up yanjun would still be there: leaving morning messages to zhangjing, leaving voicemails reminding him to eat and finish his papers so they could go to the cinema next time, or maybe he'd find lin yanjun next to him as he opens his eyes, their legs tangles as usual, his warm body close to zhangjing's, hands around him, embracing him on a safe hug and then they'd spend the afternoon watching movies, passing popcorn bowls, then maybe as the sun sinks since dinghao and chaoze are out for the weekend, maybe zhangjing and yanjun would fuck on the couch, or maybe zhangjing would give him a head and yanjun would be screaming his name as a hand fists his hair, or maybe he'd bend over the couch and let yanjun pound into him as he whispers how much he loves him, how much zhangjign is taking it all in like a good boyfriend that he is.
or maybe they'd spend the remaining of the night kissing. like every kiss meant to say something. every kissing telling the other how much he means to him or how much loves him.
this tree, at this place is where they had their first kiss. this is the same place where yanjun made him feel tummy butterflies and made them believe they're real. then there were sparks in his head as yanjun, kisses him longer, further, deeper. electricity travelled down his skin when yanjun hugged him tighter. this place is special for its promises. for its memories and this is where zhangjing and yanjun used to meet.
but lin yanjun is now gone. and you zhangjing almost, almost faded with him.
and then he's crying, his head on the tree bark, fists pounding on it like it the tree has the power to bring yanjun back.
zhangjing misses yanjun. he wants to hold him again. wants to kiss him again. wants to wake up next to him again. wants to tell him that he'd only love him, only him and him, forever. but now he can't, and lin yanjun would not want that.
"zhangjing?" zhangjing immediately wipes off the tears from his face as he whips his head to look at the man behind him.
"what are you doing here, wenjun?" zhangjing asks.
wenjun's eyebrows furrowed as he takes a better look at zhangjingㅡa crying mess. he dares and reaches out a hand to wipe off a missed tear streak on zhangjing's cheeks. his touch was warm, zhangjing finds it deeply comforting.
wenjun had been wooing him for eight months now. he keeps on encouraging the elder to go out and enjoy the sun. or eat out with him and have fun. zhangjing knows that wenjun is aware that it everything he's doing could all be done in vain. but he's not stopping. he's not. he's persistent but not the annoying kind.
"you shouldn't be here," zhangjing says.
"i know. i'm sorry for interrupting you. but i wanted to see you," wenjun answers, taking a step forward and taking the elder's hand to his. he was hesitant at first. but when zhangjing did not flinch or take his hand back, he held it tighter to his, and even took it to his lips so he could kiss the back of it. then he's looking at the tree behind zhangjing, "besides, i have always wanted to ask yanjun permission if i could finally court you,"
"wenjun..." zhangjing calls, worried. he could see the longing in wenjun's eyes. longing to hold him. zhangjing feels guilty for making the younger wait.
"zhangjing, i know. if it takes you another ten years to get on with life then i'd be with you, waiting for you." wenjun declares, eyes meeting zhangjing's.
"i don't deserve you," zhangjing could only admit.
wenjun shakes his head, "you're worth it all zhangjing-ge, please let me,"
zhangjing measures the younger. he knows wenjun is kind, sweet and almost like yanjunㅡno, he won't compare them. they're different people. wenjun is not yanjun. wenjun is a different one. wenjun is all patient and gentle. zhangjing could picture him dating someone who could take care of him, give him the love that he deserves. and not someone like zhangjing who is still a wreck after three years of his lover's death. who is still into a dead person, who can't leave the past behind and move on with life with wenjun. no he does not deserve wenjun's heart, he does not have a heart to exchange it with.
"you're not yet ready, i know and it's okay zhangjing. it's alright. i am not rushing you. we'll start from the beginning if you want," wenjun offers.
lin yanjun, zhangjing thinks to himself, i love you, i still do. i will never bury our memories, when we first met, the time you confessed, the time i decided to finally agree on dating you, our first kiss, the first time we made love. everything. everything we shared together. but i think i'm already done with it all too. i've remembered and celebrated them far too many times already. i'm tired of hoping for something that won't come back. you were one of the most important events in my life that happened. and i won't forget you, i never will. but i think it's time to let it all go. it's time to finally leave the past and live to the present. yanjun, thank you for everything.
and then zhangjing was on his tiptoes, leaning forward as he gives a sweet, swift kiss on wenjun's cheek, "i'm giving you a chance, bi wenjun, you better give me your best shot and not fuck it up," then wenjun has taken up his personal space, hugging the smaller, his tight embrace making zhangjing feel all secured and content.
zhangjing found himself looking up at the blue sky, white puffs of clouds littering its expanse, yanjun, i know you don't want me being all sad and lonely. but i'm not doing this only for you, i am doing this for myself...and for wenjun as well.