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sterile, white, cold place but zhangjing used all his might and energy on making it look like a home and to yanjun it's become his home for the past months. strangely, he got used to the smell and lonely days there. zhangjing and yanjun are both looking at the sun setting on the wesy. its many colors tinging the sky.
zhangjing squeezes yanjun's hand, making the latter turn to him. zhangjing observes, watches the changes in his figure, in his face, in everything that the yanjun he fell in love with before slowly fade away until this frail and weak yanjun is all that's left to him.
"what am i to you?" he asks, that is zhangjing and yanjun's game, asking things just to make sure the other is still with him. yanjun smiles, or maybe he tries to give a warm smile but it ends up looking like a forced, painful grin on his face. all hollow cheeks, dimples missing, pale skin, dark circles around his eyesㅡhe looks more like a moving skull than a human near its end.
yanjun squeezes his boyfriend's hand back, "you're my moon and stars," zhangjing could feel a slight stab on his chest as if every word that yanjun tells him without meaning to hurt him sends him pain, "you give me light and guidance through the dark night, my love," yanjun continues.
zhangjing smiles through it all.
that's what yanjun has asked him to.
smile throught it all.
tears probing the back of his eyes, he pulls off a smile that's all sweet and uncaring of the next seconds, next days, next months. all that matters now is the present, yanjun and zhangjing, the sun settingㅡtheir favorite scene to watch, yanjun and zhangjing, yanjun and zhangjing.
"zhangjing, what am i to you?" yanjun asks, lifeless eyes looking at zhangjing's.
zhangjing wants to run; leave yanjun here all alone. never come back here and hurt himself. everyday, everyday he has to come here, drag his feet and build himself stronger than before because everyday he does not know if that day would be their last day watching the sun and maybe, maybe it's coming closer. he wants to throw up at the idea. he can't. he can't lose yanjun, he might lose himself with him. he loves yanjun, yanjun has been his lifeㅡhe is zhangjing'a life.
"y-you are my sun," zhangjing drags out the syllables slow and forced, as if he was being tortured physicallyㅡbut yes he is being tortured, tortured by this love, by this terrible fate and this ugly world. why can't they have their happy ending? like those fairytales zhangjing grew up with.
yanjun smiles and it's so painful, zhangjing could help the tears anymore.
"zhangjing, smile through it all," yanjun reminds him, his voice hoarse as if he hasn't talked of years.
"you are my sun," zhangjing repeated.
yanjun squeed his hand again to get zhangjing to help him finally lie on the bed aftet sitting up for some time to watch the sunset.
yanjun takes zhangjing's hand to hia again, their eyes meeting, "zhangjing, i am your sun that is now setting," yanjun started reciting itㅡthe lines they wrote before, for a tragic story for a play they directed at schoolㅡopting zhangjing to continue the rest.
zhangjing could not find the words. he wants to tell the other he has forgotten the lines. he does not have the voice toㅡor maybe, he does not have to heart to continue. but this torture has been happening too long. it needs to end. zhangjing can't see yanjun suffering longer, hell, he does not even know if he can still drag himself here tomorrow just to see yanjun wince in pain for all the apparatus they put into him. so, even while crying he manages to smileㅡto smile for yanjun and everything they had.
"you are my sunㅡfinally setting and saying good bye to this world that you've shed your light on," yanjun closed his eyes, making zhangjing stop midline, but the younger squeezed his hand, telling him to continue; zhangjing did not fail to notice the weak gesture, he's breaking downㅡthey are breaking down, "and to me whom you gave your warmth toㅡ you're sending your farewell as we welcome the dark of nightㅡ" zhangjing trailed off with a sob.
yanjun had let go of his hand. there is no longer a pressure on his hand where yanjun had been holding on to. zhangjing weakly reaches for the alarm. sooner, footsteps arrives, hands shoving him away, bodies blocking yanjun from his viewㅡuntil all he could see are backs of white. voices drone in and out of his ears, as if he's from some other world, like he's looking and hearing all of this from another dimension.
yanjun is gone. zhangjing fell to his knees on the hard, cold floor of the hospital room yanjun has been admitted for six months. there, he cried his heart out.
its loneliness and cold and winds, i know you will seek for my warmth tomorrow, but another sun will come and embrace you with its glow. do not dread your lost, my love, time runs and someone will make you look at the sun again without a heartache that reminds you of me, i will be gone and gone, and you must continue to breathe with a smile