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All was well. Thanos was beaten, the universe set to rights, all of the evil undone. By rights, Thor should be happy. By rights, he should be at peace.
He was not.
The first time he woke in a cold sweat from a vivid, violent dream of his people’s slaughter, Heimdall’s death, the crack of Loki’s neck breaking, he laid alone in his bed, staring at the ceiling and taking deep breaths to calm himself, shame biting deep. He felt the urge, bone-deep, to rise and walk, but he knew where his steps would take him.
“You’re hovering,” Loki said the next day, sounding peevish. Thor gave him a faint, apologetic smile.
“I didn’t realize,” he said, though he had. But how could he say that? How could he say how desperately he needed to lay hands on Loki, to hear him breathe, see the pulse in his neck, feel the slightly-too-cool but living touch of his skin?
Loki would mock him for the sentiment. For the fear that underpinned it. At best, he would smile and laugh and say I’m fine, brother, see? You can’t get rid of me that easily.
And Thor would think, did think, full of dread: this time. This time, and last time, and the time before that - but when will it happen again? A year? A decade?
How long do I have with you this time?
The fifth night in a row Thor woke with tears on his face from yet another dream (this time, he was holding Loki in his arms only to feel his body dissolve away to dust), he gave up on sleeping and walked to stand outside the room Loki had made his own. He stood before the door, staring at it as though it were an impassable barrier, and finally knocked.
It opened a moment later: Loki looked wide awake, and not a little startled. “Thor,” he said. “You are aware what time it is, aren’t you?”
“You aren’t sleeping either,” Thor said. Loki shrugged.
“I stole some of those kimoyo beads before we left Wakanda. I’ve been tinkering with them to see how they work. It’s a different principle from-” He stopped, shaking himself. “No matter. What did you want?”
Go on, Thor wanted to say. Talk about whatever you want to, I don’t care, so long as you’re speaking, here, alive. But he just shook his head. “Nothing in particular. I couldn’t sleep.”
A flicker of sympathy, though it was swept away quickly in favor of a crooked smile. “It used to be me showing up at your door to wake you in the middle of the night.”
Thor made himself smile back. “At least I’m not waking you.” He gestured at the door. “May I?”
Loki stepped back. Thor could feel Loki studying him as he walked in, and tried not to tense, or wonder what he saw. “You know,” Loki started to say, and then cut off. When Thor looked at him, he was frowning at a corner.
“What is it?” Thor asked, anxiety spiking in his chest (a new emotion, in the last few years, but one he was growing increasingly familiar with).
“Nothing,” Loki said, and a moment later his smile was back and he was pacing over to the desk, picking up the beads Thor recognized from Wakanda. “Have you looked at these? I wouldn’t have expected such a thing to come out of Midgard, but…”
Thor let Loki ramble, trying not to look like he was staring, like he couldn’t look away for fear that Loki would disappear.
Thor woke up and went walking to Loki’s room. The door was hanging open, off the hinges, and the room was a wreck, and Loki was lying on the floor with his dead eyes staring blankly upward.
A scream boiled up in Thor’s throat and burst out of his lungs as he woke up for real, sitting straight up and panting, his lungs tight, refusing to fill. His heart banged against his rib cage and he was on his feet before he realized what he was doing, on his feet and nearly running, slamming into Loki’s room without hesitating.
It was empty. The bed was untouched.
No, Thor thought wildly. No, no, no.
He wheeled around and went to the only other place he could think of, banging on Val’s door.
“What the hell,” she said, blurry-eyed.
“Have you seen Loki?” He blurted out.
“Why would I have,” she said, sounding grouchier by the second, but Thor couldn’t care. “It’s the middle of the night. She checked herself, visibly, and looked him over, expression shifting. “He’s probably just on walkabout, or something,” she said. “Maybe getting laid. You could both use it.” She paused. “I’m sure he’s fine.”
“You don’t know that,” Thor said. “You can’t know that.” He turned away and she caught his arm.
“Thor,” she said. “Calm down.”
He wrenched his arm out of her grasp. You don’t understand, he wanted to accuse her, but hadn’t she lost everything? He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to think.
It occurred to him abruptly that perhaps Loki hadn’t…maybe he hadn’t come to harm. Maybe he’d just left.
“I’m going to keep looking,” he said finally. The concern inching into Val’s bleary expression stung at him. He squared his shoulders. “I am sorry for disturbing you.”
He left before she could make answer.
In the end, he found Loki outside, lying on his back, and for a heart-stopping moment he thought - but he could see the rise and fall of his chest. He let out a breath that was nearly a sob and strode over.
“Loki,” he said, and his brother scrambled to his feet and turned toward him, conjuring a magelight that illuminated his face. Thor dragged him into a crushing hug, squeezing his eyes closed.
“I can’t breathe,” Loki wheezed, squirming, and Thor let him go at once, though not far. “Norns, Thor,” he said. “What is it?”
Thor exhaled, unevenly, and reached out to clasp Loki’s neck. He flinched, though he tried to disguise it, and Thor’s stomach curdled. He let his hand fall. “You weren’t in your room,” he said lamely. Loki gave him an odd look.
“No,” he said. “I needed some fresh air.” His smile was quick, bright. “Were you worried I’d wandered off?”
Anxiety allayed boiled over into anger, and Thor snapped, “you’ve done it before,” which wasn’t what he meant. He saw Loki’s eyes widen, the sting of hurt, the flash of anger before he wiped both away.
“I beg your pardon,” he said coolly. “I wasn’t aware I needed to inform you of all my movements. I suppose it is not unreasonable, flighty thing that I am.”
Thor squeezed his eyes closed. “I didn’t mean…”
Loki rubbed his eyes, murmured, “I almost thought we were past this.”
Thor let out a broken laugh and found himself saying, “how can we be, when you have left me to mourn so many times?”
Loki’s head lifted. Thor wanted to call the words back, but they were spilling out of him. “I have watched you die three times, and each time you have come back, but each time it has hurt as though it is the first. How am I to know it will not happen again? How can I do anything but expect, wait, for the next time?”
Loki rocked back on his heels. “One would think you’d know better than to believe it by now.”
“Don’t,” Thor said, rage overwhelmed by anguish in his voice. “Don’t make light of this, Loki.”
Loki’s expression was hard to read. His eyebrows were furrowed. “I make light of it,” he said finally, “because there is no other way. You think it doesn’t haunt me? You think I don’t-” He cut off and ran his fingers through his hair. “I would promise, if I could. But I can’t.”
Thor’s chest ached. “I know that.”
Loki closed his eyes. He looked like he was thinking.
“Give me your hands,” he said, abruptly. Thor blinked at him, and Loki held his out. “No tricks. I swear it.”
Thor extended his hands, and Loki took them, pulled Thor closer. He pressed one of them to his chest, over his heart. The other he brought to his neck, placing Thor’s fingers delicately against his pulse. Thor felt him tense, briefly, and then force himself to relax; he started to pull away but Loki said quietly, “no,” and he fell still.
“There,” Loki said. “See? I’m here.”
For how long, Thor thought again, but Loki shook his head.
“Don’t look forward,” he said. “Stand here, Thor. Nowhere else. Just…take a moment.” He could feel the vibrations of Loki’s voice as he spoke. Thor stood still, trying to keep his thoughts on this, on the beat of Loki’s heart against his palm.
“You should have told me,” Loki said, finally.
“What would I have said?”
“That you were afraid.”
I feared you would mock me. I feared you would think less of me. Thor said nothing. Loki sighed.
“I suppose I’ve earned that.” He let go of Thor’s hands. “I am sorry to have frightened you.”
“I am sorry to have snapped at you,” Thor said, feeling a little sheepish. A little foolish. “I know…I know it is not your fault.”
“Well,” Loki said. “One of them certainly was.” Thor gave him a sharp look, and Loki held up his hands. “Sorry, sorry. It is…automatic.” He took a deep breath. “Let’s go back. I think I’ve done enough stargazing for one night.” He cocked his head, and said, “there’s a game I learned on Sakaar-”
“Stop right there,” Thor said, grimacing. Loki let out a little laugh.
“Thoroughly innocuous, I assure you,” he said. “At least try it.”
Thor suspected he was being humored. But Loki was being…kind. He didn’t want to turn it away. “If you insist.”
“Excellent,” Loki said. “The first rule is that I make the rules, but I don’t tell you what they are.”
Thor gave him a sidelong look. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”
“Absolutely not,” Loki said breezily. It sounded a bit too deliberate, but Thor didn’t comment on it. Let himself accept it, and if he walked so his shoulder almost bumped against Loki’s, Loki didn’t comment on that, either.