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It's mornings like these when Kihyun wonders why he's doing this
Awakening Hours before their first morning alarms to the hunger pains he wouldn't allow himself to ease, too focused on maintaining his image. Making his way to the bathroom, so hungry that he feels nauseous. Feeling out of breath and faint, only from the short walk to the kitchen from the bathroom.
And even then, he continues his ways with one thought in mind. He would finally be enough. He wouldn't be bullied by 'fans' for his extra weight. He would be loved. That thought alone is what keeps him going on mornings like these.
When the others get up hours later, they awaken to the aromatic smell of food. Food that Kihyun had been working on, long before they awakened, that he wanted so badly to taste but held himself back, still with that one thought in mind.
Kihyun watches as everyone enjoys the food, slightly jealous that they could enjoy it without having a second thought or regret, wishing he could be normal like them. He shakes his head slightly, they have no need for regret, they're already perfect. As he pushes himself off of his chair, Wonho speaks up.
"Kihyun-ah, aren't you going to eat with us?" He asks, grabbing onto his sleeve reflexively, concern in his eyes. The question was left lingering as everyone turned to stare at the scene in front of them.
"Um, I was actually going to head to the dance studio early to have more time for stretching." Kihyun replied after a tense second had passed. This was an excuse he'd been using for a while now, hopefully the lie wasn't too obvious. Wonho stared for a beat, then reluctantly let go of his sleeve, still looking at Kihyun with the same expression.
"Alright then, we'll meet you there for dance practice," He replied, glancing around to the others at the table,"But please eat something before you go, an apple at least." He said softly, meeting Kihyun's eyes, silently ordering him to obey. Wonho had his suspicions about what Kihyun was doing, heck they all did, but he had no idea how to approach the problem.
Kihyun glanced at the floor,"Okay Hyung, I'll see you guys then." He said as he slipped away from the table, walking over to the fridge to get an apple, making sure to grab the smallest one.
Putting the apple into his bag, he sent a soft smile over to the the members before turning to leave. He was oblivious to the worried gazes cast across his back as he shut the door behind him.
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Kihyun sat with his back against the wall, playing with the apple in his hands. Was it really worth the calories?
One apple wouldn't hurt, but what if he ended up eating more later in the day than he meant to? He certainly didn't want that, if that happened then he would gain weight. He needed to eat though, to give him energy to make it through practice. But then again, he has made it through without eating before, so does he really need to?
He slammed his head back against the wall, squeezing the apple slightly. Why was it so hard to make a simple decision, he wondered, staring into the mirror in front of him. It was just an apple. Just an apple.
Kihyun pondered his options, lost deep in his thoughts.
Griping the apple tightly, he shoved himself off of the wall and made his way over to his bag. Whenever he does eat, he makes sure to always have a decent amount of water on hand. Taking sips between bites makes you full faster.
Finally finding what he was looking for, he moved back to his spot against the wall, unusually out of breath. Maybe it was a good idea to eat.
Kihyun savored every bite that he took. He'd been depriving himself of any flavor lately. So much, that anything tasted like heaven on his taste buds.
With a light smile tugging at his lips, Kihyun drops the remaining half of the apple into the trash, happy about only being able to finish half. The rest of the members would also be here soon, Kihyun realized as he glances at the clock.
He starts his stretching, with a slight smile still grazing his lips.
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It's nights like these that Kihyun realizes why he's doing this.
When he gets out of the shower and weighs himself, a pound lighter than the day before. The soft, fuzzy feeling of being weightless and empty. The feeling of pride for being the smallest and lightest member. These are the things that push him to continue, because without these things, he would be nothing. He needed this.
What he doesn't realize, though, is that he's hurting the people around him. The people he loves. The people that love him.
Hyunwoo watches as his small dongsaeng gets even smaller by the day, his clothes becoming too big for his frame. Hoseok watches as his small Kihyun refuses to eat more than an apple and a few bites of dinner, claiming he isn't hungry. Minhyuk watches as his best friend begins to wither away, all while being glad about the change. Hyungwon watches as his Kihyun spends hours exercising, just to burn off that one potato chip he accidentally ate.
Jooheon watches as Kihyun smiles and laughs with him, even though it's never real anymore. Changkyun watches as his Hyung spends more and more time in the dance studio, claiming he likes it, but they all knew he was doing it to burn away the non-existent calories.
Minhyuk cries to Kihyun at night, begging him to listen, begging him to try. More often than not, Hyungwon would find Hoseok sleeping in Kihyun's bed with a protective arm wrapped around him, clinging to him like he would disappear any second.
They all feel sorrow when Kihyun refuses to eat out with them, when he used to happily tag along whenever he had the chance.
And they all watch as Kihyun works himself to the point of exhaustion. Feeling the unbearable pain of not being able to help someone you love, feeling useless. Watching a loved one struggle through treatment, watching them fight against it, fight against eating. Experiencing the agonizing reality of it all, when they sob at the dinner table, refusing to even touch the food in front of them.
Together, they watch as Kihyun destroys himself, unable to do a damn thing.