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“Like I can be fuuuucked,” croaked Eric as he plonked himself wearily into the back of Bill’s car.
“Good evening to you too Eric,” said Bill, nodding a greeting to Eric’s progeny Pam as she got into the other back seat.
She ignored him.
Jess, Bill’s own progeny, just sank down a little further in the passenger seat. She was shy.
“Ah…hope you are not plannin’ on wearin’ that, Eric,” said Bill warily, glancing at the older vampire’s appearance in the mirror. “There is a dress code you know.”
“This is evening wear,” Eric replied innocently, gesturing to his leather T-shirt. “It’s the evening and I’m wearing it.”
Pam rolled her eyes with a small smirk as she applied her eyeliner.
“Please Eric, it would be rude to-“
Eric cut Bill off with a sigh.
“Relax Compton,” he groaned. “I have a tux with me. It’s tucked in my pants. That’s the bulge you can see.”
He winked at Jess and she looked away, embarrassed.
“Eric,” stormed Bill angrily. “That’s more than enough for one night!”
Eric chuckled.
“That’s what she said,” he said smoothly.
Yes, he had watched The Office.
Pam rolled her eyes again, with an even greater magnificence.
“Seriously,” said Bill, starting to nag. “We need to look presentable, or Ms Flanagan will-“
Eric exhaled with luxurious annoyance.
“Ah yes…Super Nanny,” he said smoothly. “My favourite.”
“That woman makes be want to stake myself,” said Pam flatly.
“That woman makes me want to stake her,” added Eric, cracking his knuckles.
They both looked at Bill expectantly, waiting for his condemnation of the ‘face of vampires’.
“Ah am afraid,” he began loftily. “That I cannot comment on-“
Pam tutted.
“Compton, don’t be a pussy,” said Eric. “It’s tragic. Just say what you think for once!”
“Oh he can’t,” said Pam. “He’s a politician. Lying is like a gag reflex.”
“Ah am not lyin’…ah just like to be polite,” said Bill sedately as Pam scoffed and Jess pretended she didn’t exist.
“Hmm, polite,” mused Eric interestedly, watching the moonlit scenery flash by. “Perhaps I should try it?”
“Tonight may be a good time to do so,” said Bill. “There will be many important people at this event, including our queen so we should show respect.”
“Hear that Pam?” snorted Eric. “Sophie-Anne is in the AVL. Christ! That’s like Donald Trump leading Greenpeace!”
Pam huffed a quick laugh.
“Maybe Trump should lead the Authority,” she said. “Fewer vampires would get executed that way.”
Eric grinned gleefully. Oooooh, controversial.
A silence followed this suggestion.
Eric got fidgety.
“Jess,” he said suddenly.
“Er…yeah?” she replied, a little nervously.
“I spy with my…rather attractive eye…” Eric paused to think. “…Something beginning with…’E’.”
Jess looked around. ‘E’?
“Er…” she began, unsure.
“Think carefully,” he warned. “It’s a cunning one.”
“Eric?” she guessed.
“Fuck,” he murmured, though with a smile.
Awwww, kids.
“How did you know?” he said in mock admiration. “Okay, your turn.”
Bill looked troubled.
“Eric, you cannot spy yourself. That is against the rules.”
“I can see myself!” cried Eric indignantly. “I can see my legs! It counts!”
“Alright then,” said Bill with an inclination of the head that showed he wasn’t convinced. “Jess, it’s your-“
“I wonder how many humans there’ll be...” said Pam, apparently more interested in her nails than whatever anyone might say in response.
“Well…” considered Bill, a little put out that he had been rudely interrupted. “There will be several members of the human government…and I believe that human companions are permitted to attend.”
“Bad call,” chucked Eric. “It will be a bloodbath.”
Pam chuckled too. Good.
“I … doubt that,” said Bill, not doubting it completely. “The security present will mean that it will be safe for all humans.”
He recited this dutifully.
“Really?” asked Eric softly, raising an eyebrow. “Then why did you not bring the lovely Sookie with you?”
“Because you are here,” said Bill coldly, ignoring Pam’s darkly-muttered ‘fuckin’ Sookie.’
“That’s not fair Bill,” said Eric, with a mock hurt expression on his face.“I am a gentleman, just like you…Which reminds me!”
Eric began to cheerfully remove his clothes in the back of the car.
“Eric!” cried Bill in horror. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting changed,” replied Eric gently, as if Bill were being unreasonable. “Smart dress, remember?”
He searched for the clothes he had allegedly brought with him, still buck-naked.
“Eric, please,” said Bill impatiently. “For God’s sake put some clothes on.”
“For God’s sake don’t,” said Pam admiringly as both she and Eric chortled.
Bill looked distressed. And soon did Eric, as he realised that he didn’t have his other clothes after all. He’d forgotten them….by...accident.
“I’m sorry Bill,” he said, dead-pan. “Looks like we can’t go after all.”
Thank Lilith for that!