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Dead.
He sighed to himself, by now he was getting to know it a lot more than it should be possible. Yet here he was, facing what he new would be his final moments.
Disjoined.
That how he would explain it if anyone would have believed the truth. No one does. No one tries. No one even ask. All just assume.
Loki sighed, he will not waste what he had left with thinking those type of thoughts. Anger is useless right now. Moving his hand through his hair. All are much more comfortable to believe a plausible lie than the unbelieving truths. Its a simple fact he learned as a kid long time ago. Sometimes he found it frustrating, sometimes he weaponized it.
Still...
He couldnt help it. He was watching himself as he was held in Thanos hand. Knowing his neck will be snapped any moment now. He was as good as dead. He could see his own lips move saying words. Words he wanted to say. Time so slow or fast? Wrapped...
He was standing by Thor side watching all of it like a observer ... no more like a ghost. A soul already out its body about to move towards death's arms...
Just like the first time, when he so clearly remember the fingers slowly, painfully slowly unwrapping from the staff as he hung off the rainbow bridge. Unable to do anything but disconnectly observe his death. His fall. Comment on it. How dramatic he made it, or how it wasnt fair, but at least he will be at peace.
He had to talk.
He had to fill the silence of dead.
Or else ... the fear would have consumed him as he kept falling. A blink of the eye was all it took, for him to no longer be on the bridge and observe his falling but to be floating beside his slowly dying body in the void between.
It wasnt painful.
That surprised him.
Because he knew how much this should bring him.
He knew how the branches worked, hew knew all the small cracks that would be gateways to other places. He knew how much pain they should bring him for simply staying in the void.
No pain.
Dying in the void...
It was only cold and sad. He watched how his once Asgardian skin slowly lost it color to become gray before becoming blue, revealing the Jotun underneath. The monster with red eyes and the riges markings he only in that moment got to see for the first time. He wondered if they meant anything...His eyes studied them carefully. Observing how they vanished under his robes. Distracting himself from the ever slowing heart.
He remember the sensation of when his last heartbeat occured. Like a sad whimper echoing in his cold veins.
He remember that he reached out to touch his death body, wanting to close the monsters red eyes. But he didnt dare it as he looked at them he saw tears frozen in those bright red eyes. His tears. Was he mourning himself... pathetic. No one else will shred the tears, so he did it for himself. Maybe his mother would... no not even she could after what he had to do... He simply was a truly unworthy display.He could bet that even his memory would be lost. Maybe Odin will strike his records and pretend he was never even part of Asgard.He knew the old man had changed books in the past to adjust them to the situation. A casual read wouldnt notice but he knew all the books he could get his hands on by heart.
It was what he wanted in the end... wasnt it? To vanish. To never have been taken as a war prize in the first place. Everyone will be better off without him, and with out his kin. So that was a good thing, a beautiful thing. Yes. Yes it was. A good deed from a dead man that never even existed...
And so he died. Closed his spirit eyes to stop looking at his dead body lost in void.
It would have been the end of the story for everyone else, but for him it appeared to only be the end of a chapter.
Loki blinked, Thanos grip was reaching the moment it would make his neck snap. Time was feeling so still to him. So silent.
"I am sorry Thor, you have to watch me die a second time up close... at least when I fallen you were spared of that." Loki conversation spoke, knowing the blond could not hear him. Just like the last time he could not. He screamed at him really loudly that time in the dark elves realm.
"You know, dying hurt a lot less then getting resurrected. " He told Thor, his memory shifting to the big surprise of sudden pain. Being dead and feeling pain is quite a controdition, it hurts the mind in a way he couldnt even put in words. Silver tongue or not be damned. He much rather paint it like a boring and sudden experience then attempting to work thought that madness.
The pain itself on other hand, it was eating away on something that wasnt alive, forcing fire to singe his muscles until the cold could be felt. The skin being ripped across space like a sting about to break. Light forcing its way in the mind that didnt work. Forcing the brain pathways to see it even if they simply didnt work. Torture.
Shivers run down his spiritual back.
The torture that ends in an heart finally beating as if desperately trying to escape the pain. Becoming alive so it could run away from it. The first gasp he took burned, everything was too hot, too cold, to loud, too silent, too dark and too bright. Thanos words cut though it refocusing his mind and helping him relearn to use his senses in a moment.
"Little prince. " The first words said to his reborn self. "Welcome back, you impressed me. "
He hated those words, that voice, everything.
"You know Thor, Thanos heard what I did to the Jotuns world. Apparently he approved of it and was impressed with my determination to do what was needed for the well being of their world as much as Asgards. He told me I could understand his goals. The Jotuns world was so low on resources a near extinction of them was the best option for their world..."
There, finally.
His neck snapped. Loki tilted his head, observing in curiosity how his head dropped to one side. He knew Thanos would throw him in front of Thor to prove a point to his brother.
"He told me it was a waste for me to die yet when there is so much to be done to save life. I played along, just for a bit. To get a grip on myself... and to plan an escape from him. Well the rest you know I managed to talk him into giving me the mind gem and let me lead the take over of Earth with only a small portion of the available armies...I said to not waste the resources."
Loki turned away from looking at himself and sat in front of Thor. How he wished he could block Thors view of the scene behind him.
"I wish you could actually hear my last words... "
Loki fingers danced over his stomach, smiling softly as he remembered how his second death went. The death Thor was so sure he faked somehow. How disappointing must it be to hear that he truly didnt have a plan when he took the blow for Thor. That the trickster truly didnt have a master plan up his sleeve. That he truly died.
Watching as he was laying in Thors arms. The pain of his wound simply gone. The sensation so hauntingly familiar. He remember beggin Thor to promise him that he will save their people. That he will avenge Frigga. Mother... Though he wasnt sure what of those he said aloud and what he said as his spirit self. Thrown out his body to await dead.
Once more his skin was losing it color as he was bleeding out, the storm approaching the golden son left. Lokis heart has not yet fully stop. But it was better that way. Thor didnt have to see the Jotun form. He wished Thor had the sensibility, to cover him with his cape before he left. He didnt, of course. So he was left to watch his body being battered with the dust and sand as it become fully blue. Curiously he wondered if it will cover his body fully... like a natural burial.
How he was kinda glad that he managed to die at least on his own terms. How he briefly dared to feel happy how he managed to escape Thanos. He sat by his body smiling. The last heartbeat echoing in his ice cold veins. That time he didnt stay any time after it.
"Maybe I could not even linger... Whatever he did to me... whatever magic he used to resurrect me the first time, stayed in me. I wasnt planning to be alive. I didnt get a say in it as the torture started bringing me back to life and well...I admit I was in panic when I hatched the plan, to pretend to be still dead. I was so sure that I will hear his voice any second now."
Loki startled as time briefly snapped to normal speed hearing his body hit the ground like a bag of potatoes. His heart barely beating, his skin once more becoming more and more grey, soon it will approach the blue. He really wished to not have Thor see that part of his death. Thor face was in such anguish.
Time once more distorted.
"... I suppose I still have some time left. So where was I? Ah yes, I planned to pretend to be a royal guard, one whose body I saw when the dark elves attacked. I was sure I could pretend to be him and live a life under the radar so to say. I went to report my death, which was the truth to Odin. That was the reason his own magic didnt spot me giving a false report of my demise. Because I wasnt lying. What I didnt await was for him to all but leave the throne. So... I decided to help him with his wish for exile and left him in a good care home. Change his mind to feel like a human old man whose sons are happily living their life. That spell used so soon after my second resurrection took a lot out of me."
A proud smirk danced on his lips, he really proved his magical strength back then.
"I planned to make you king, and retire as Odin, and be your advisor. But no you had to say no to the throne. Really? What I was supposed to do? We cant leave our people without a king. So you have no right to be angry for ruling Asgard while you were off playing on earth."
Loki chuckled, yet the smile was a weak one. Thor was slowly moving towards his dead body.
"Funny thing my magic energy did run out just a moment after you turned you back. I sat there as me, Loki just waiting for you to turn around, see me and I would pretend it all has been part of my grand joke. A master plan of a trickster not a opportunist in panic and full on exhaustion. Yet, you never turned around Thor. You walked out and I sat on it dumbfounded with a perfect smirk on my face. I slept in our fathers bed the next ten days after that. Telling I was mourning."
The floor under him shivered giving in.
He stood up, Thor was bent over his dead body in tears. He felt it, it was getting close. He knew how he died. The marks of his heritage started to show. This time he couldnt find his peace... He will not close his eyes.
"No resurrections this time he said... I suppose it means he removed whatever he spell he used to keep me alive...I will finally stay dead... Thor... Brother. Please " He prayed to the allfathers for Thor to hear his words. His worry reared its head back up. "Promise me you will find a way to survive. Our people need you. I am dead. This time no one will care to bring me back to life. So I cannot help you any more. Please Thor live, become the sun that will give our people to their hope again..."
He reached out wrapping his ghostly hands around Thor. The explosion hit sending them tumbling out in space. His last heartbeat echoing in his ice cold veins while held in Thors arms.
"If I can I will try to stick at your side... maybe I will be able to? Yes, then even if you arent aware maybe you will feel my presence and not feel so alone... I never tried walking away from my dead body... I should really tried that sooner. I mean how often do you get to die normally..."
Maybe his words will reach him. Though they need a wonder either way. So much was lost...and a lot more will soon follow. Because that was what Thanos did...
He stayed by Thor side as their bodies floated in space. His own slipped out of Thors arms at one point.
Loki talked about everything and nothing. Plans hatching and repeating information he knew. Ever so often simply ranting. Filling the silence as time was slow, or fast or both. Only it mattered that was that he was still sticking to the other.
He watched with happiness and glee as Thor was saved by a ship. He followed in it to even allow himself to feel amusement in all of this tragedy in the interactions between the Star Lord and his crew and his brother. Yet when he followed the definitely not bunny, the tree and his brother in their small ship, approving of the idea of getting first weapons that could hurt Thanos before going for any form of revenge... Thought he would preferred if Thor instead searched out the surviving asgardians and take care of them first... But this could work out as well.
The small ship undocked and ...
Loki was left behind.
He tried to go after it.
It felt like he was pushing against a wall.
He screamed.
No one heard him.
It didnt take long before that ship with the second part of the crew left as well.
Loki was alone with his dead body.
He could not leave his body any further. He could not go even a inch more away. Well he learned about death something new. Defeated he settled to float by his own body side. Worrying with no ways to obtain answers.
Should he leave?
Should he stay?
Could he stay as long as he please?
Could he even move on?
Memories of the times he told his worries as story with an edge of humor and joke flooded his mind. His way of cooping. Without realising when he started he noticed that he was already halfway to turning this into a party story as well. Planning when to put dramatic pauses for the greatest effect. How to make his voice shake to lure emotion out. How to get place the words and what gestures to use to get the pity and the girls to want to save him. The grandmaster enjoyed the stories of his traumatic events told like that too... It was a somewhat healthy way to deal with his dreads and deads...
Loki could sworn there were moments the crazy man knew they were true stories and not made up as he presented them as. Other times he would declare everyone to dance to his music as nothing mattered.
He should have stayed in Saakar... But then his crazy sister would have killed all... The goddess of Death she called herself... Now Loki wondered if she ever died herself, or was she just that good at killing?...
Time had no point for the dead.
Lokis mind wandered, with nothing but dread, worry and memories to be his company.