Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Neil Josten was awake, but he didn’t know where he was.

Sometimes, when he jolted awake too quickly from nightmares, his body was stuck in a state of sleep so deep that he couldn’t move. Sleep paralysis would cling to him and press him down into the sheets like someone trying to strangle him. No matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t will his body to move, not even a little.

That’s what this felt like to Neil. Except Neil didn’t think he had woken up from a nightmare. He didn’t think he dreamt anything at all.

Awareness came to him slowly, but movement came slower. Neil tried to wiggle his toes and his fingers but all he could manage was a small twitch in his hand. His limbs felt so heavy he felt like he was being melded into the mattress underneath him. Finally, Neil was able to peel open his eyes, and squinting against the sudden glaring light, he realized that something was very, very wrong.

In the time it took for his eyes to adjust, Neil noticed that the buzz in his ears wasn’t really a buzz at all, but a slow, rhythmic beeping. All he could see besides the speckled white ceiling above him was a heart rate monitor in the corner of his eye, and assuming that Neil couldn’t move and couldn’t remember what had happened last, he was the one hooked up to it.

Neil jerked his head to the side and frantically kicked out his legs. His movements were still too sluggish but his heartbeat kicked up a desperate pace as he forced himself to sit upright. Immediately, pain exploded behind his eyes and the thud, thud, thud of his pulse throbbing in his temples accompanied the orange and red lights popping in his vision. The lights fizzled to black, and Neil crumpled forward over his legs. His head didn’t stop pounding, but he wasn’t about to let it deter him from getting away.

Any second now, someone could burst into the hospital room, stab a needle in his neck, and that would be the end of him. He didn’t know why he was in a hospital room, and there was no way in hell he was sticking around to find out. Neil’s fingers scrambled clumsily over his other hand around the IV stuck in his vein, intending to pull it out.

“Hey – No, don’t do that.” Hands grabbed at Neil and pushed him back down into the bed. Neil thrashed and swung an uncoordinated fist but the other person caught his arm and forced it back down. “Calm down. I said calm down – can I get some help in here?”

The world sparkled back into view as the headache subsided, and Neil could see the person he was struggling with. Neil didn’t recognize him as one of his father’s men – he was a lot bigger than Neil, with dark skin and purple hospital scrubs. He easily overpowered Neil, but instead of fighting Neil or forcing him out of the hospital room and into the trunk of a car, he gently pressed Neil’s arms to his sides.

“Do you know where you are?” the nurse asked. His nametag said Joseph. Two more people with scrubs Neil didn’t recognize crowded into the room, making Neil feel claustrophobic. He wouldn’t be able to take all three of them at once, but they didn’t try and touch him. Neil glanced past the shortest nurse to the hall behind her. If he could be able to slip past her he would be free and could take it from there. Joseph motioned for the other two to back up and said, “Mr. Josten?”

Neil startled. His eyes snapped to the nurse, but his expression was calm except for the slight downturn of his lips. Neil opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His tongue seemed to be glued to the roof of his mouth and he craved water like a man who had been stranded out in the desert for years. He didn’t know where he was, other than that he was in a hospital. He’d only been in Millport, Arizona for five months now – which was already far too long, and if his mother knew she’d beat him for this – but he knew that the closest hospital was nearly ten miles away in a nearby town.

And that didn’t explain how he had landed himself in the hospital. His head hurt, so did his ribs. But the last thing Neil clearly remembered was walking back from school to the empty house he was squatting in. Exy practice had just ended, and the sun hadn’t even begun to set yet, but the images coming to Neil were foggy at best and completely disjointed at worst. Neil shook his head and ignored the lingering pain.

“That’s normal,” one of the nurses said. She was tall and thin, with pale blonde hair, and her nametag said Kelly. “You sustained a major head injury in a car accident about a week ago. You were unconscious for six days but you were briefly awake yesterday before falling back asleep.”

Panic rose up in his chest at the words and Neil felt the itch to run, to get away. He didn’t like the thought of being unconscious for days without anyone watching his back and being completely at the mercy of whoever came into his hospital room. Neil also didn’t remember being in a car; he hadn’t been in a car since he had driven through California with his mom. He never let anyone drive him home after practice, no matter how many times they offered he would always staunchly refuse. Neil’s stomach tossed and he furiously beat back the image of a burning car and the acrid stench of gasoline and smoke. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyelids until stars replaced his mother’s body.

“Is he awake? Oh my God, Neil –” Neil’s eyes flew open to see a man dressed in an orange hoodie and jeans. His face was twisted in concern, but it couldn’t have been for Neil because Neil had no idea who this man was. The man maneuvered himself around Joseph to Neil and reached out for his hand. Neil jerked away and brought his knees up in case he had to defend himself, but the man withdrew like Neil had burned him. “Andrew said – Shit, you really don’t remember?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen you before in my life,” Neil said, his voice raspy like sandpaper. The man flinched and ran a hand through his hair, but he didn’t try to reach for Neil again.

Neil swallowed nervously and eyed the exit again before flicking his gaze around the room. There was a duffel bag laying beside one of the plastic chairs, but it wasn’t Neil’s. Another bolt of panic speared him through the chest when he realized he didn’t have his things. The most important thing in there was his binder, with all his money and contacts. He scoured his memory, desperately trying to remember where it could be, but he came up blank. Neil never went anywhere without his duffel. If someone had gotten a hold of it, he was a dead man walking.

“What happened to me?” Neil attempted to smooth out the panic in his voice, but his words were shaky and edged with it.

“You were in a car accident –” Joseph began, but Neil shook his head again, he already knew that. He pinched his eyes shut and tugged at his hair and tried to remember. But it was like everything had been wiped blank, like there was a gap between now and what Neil remembered last that he didn’t have access to. It frustrated him to no end.

“Neil, are you alright –” the man started, but Neil shushed him.

“Get out,” he said, slanting his eyes open in a glare. The man’s mouth snapped shut and he stared wordlessly at Joseph. Joseph frowned but motioned for the man to leave. He, Kelly, and the other nurse followed after him and shut the door with a firm click behind them.

Neil ground his teeth together and tried to block out the beeping of the heart monitor. Scratching at the gap in his memory did nothing but worsen his headache and Neil threw his hands up in the air with a frustrated groan. He could figure out what he missed later, but right now he needed to find his way out.

There was no way he would be left completely alone without supervision. It was likely one of the nurses was stationed outside the door, ready to grab him in case he tried to make a run for it. Neil glanced at the window. It looked like he was only three stories up, and the window was big enough for him to shimmy through without too much of a problem. If he could force the window open and get on the ledge, he would be able to climb down and bolt before anyone could figure out he was gone.

Before Neil could move towards the window, however, the door swung open. Neil jumped as his attention snapped to the entryway where a short man with blonde hair stood with his fists clenched at his sides. Neil tensed as the man shut the door with a slam and stomped over to Neil’s bedside looking like he was about to commit murder.

But the man stopped several feet away and crossed his arms tight across his chest without a word. The corners of his eyes were tight and his mouth was pulled into a furious scowl. Neil noticed that the man had fading yellow bruises on his face.

“Get out,” Neil said.

“No,” the man said, never looking away from Neil. There was a defiant look in his eye that matched the jut of his jaw. Something about him seemed familiar, but Neil couldn’t place what.

“This is my room, and I said get out, so –” Neil was ready with an entire angry rant at the tip of his tongue; his head hurt too much for him to care that Neil Josten was supposed to be timid and quiet.

“Tell me you weren’t about to run,” the man cut him off.

Neil bristled and said, “I wasn’t about to run.”

“Liar. That’s why I’m staying.” The man carelessly plopped down into the chair and the look he gave Neil dared him to try and make him move. Neil seethed, ready for an argument, but his heartbeat was pounding behind his eyes and his throat hurt so badly all he could manage was a cough that racked his entire body when he took a deep breath, sore muscles be damned.

The man said nothing during Neil’s coughing fit, and when he looked up, he was met with a quirked eyebrow and an unimpressed look. Neil flipped him off and turned to the window again, determined to ignore the man.

Neither of them said anything as the man was content to let Neil stew in silent anger that he was somehow untouched by. A few minutes later, there was a banging at the door, but before anyone could answer, it flew open.

The blood in Neil’s body froze, making every vein and artery go cold when he saw who had entered the room. Even with the black two that marked his face covered up, Neil would recognize Kevin Day anywhere. They hadn’t seen each other for over eight years but he could never forget Kevin. He could only hope Kevin had forgotten him.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Kevin looked from the man to Neil so quickly Neil was surprised he didn’t break his neck. He finally settled an incredulous look on Neil that made Neil squirm uncomfortably. He searched every inch of Kevin’s face, looking for the surprise and recognition, but instead found something that Neil didn’t understand.

The first man slipped in behind Kevin, looking sheepish and apologetic. “You really don’t remember, do you, Neil?”

Neil wanted to scream. Other than Kevin, he didn’t know these people, and he didn’t like how they seemed to know him – or at least, know Neil Josten. And besides his father, Kevin was probably the last person Neil ever wanted to see. He hated not knowing what was happening, he hated not remembering.

“Did you think I was lying to you, Nicky?” the blonde man said, looking bored despite the tense line of his shoulders. He addressed the other man, but never took his eyes off of Neil. It suddenly clicked why the man looked so familiar. Neil had seen him alongside Kevin in magazines and newspaper tabloids for nearly a month now.

“Wait, you’re Minyard.” Andrew Minyard raised his eyebrows at that but said nothing. “Kevin’s bodyguard. I’ve seen you in the news. Aren’t you supposed to be drugged?”

Neil had searched Andrew’s name as soon as it started to appear next to Kevin’s. He was the starting goalie for the Palmetto State Foxes, and he was also supposed to be on court-mandated drugs for nearly beating four men to death outside a nightclub.

The other man – Nicky, Neil assumed – gaped at Neil and let out a strangled noise. “Kevin’s bodyguard. Neil, he’s your –”

“Shut up, Nicky,” Andrew said with a low growl. He glared at Nicky for several seconds before he turned back to Neil. His hand was curled into a fist against his leg. “I’ve been off my meds for almost a year now.”

That didn’t make sense. The confusion must have shown on his face because Andrew rolled his eyes. Nicky shuffled closer and shot a hesitant look at Andrew. “Neil, how much do you remember?”

Neil looked at Kevin, but he wasn’t telling the entire world that the Butcher’s son was still alive, so Neil guessed he didn’t know who Neil really was. He turned back to Nicky and smoothed out his face as not to give anything away. “I’m a senior in high school. I’m nineteen years old, and my mom –”

“Your mom is dead. Try again,” Andrew interrupted with a drawl. Neil tried not to flinch, but he wasn’t sure if he succeeded.

“She’s not. She’s out of town with Dad –”

“Wrong again. Your parents are dead, Neil. They’ve been dead for a while.”

Neil grit his teeth. Andrew leaned forward across his knees and stared Neil down. Neil refused to look away, but he didn’t know how Andrew was calling his bluff. Unless he was guessing.

“How would you know? You don’t know me,” Neil snapped. Andrew’s eyebrow twitched. Neil saw Nicky grimace and shift uncomfortably.

“Your name is Neil Abram Josten. Your mother died in California and you burned her body along with the car. Your father was executed by your uncle last March, and you survived him. You –”

Neil didn’t wait for him to finish as he bolted out of the bed. He barely hesitated to rip the IV out, ignoring the twinging pain as he wrapped his bleeding hand in his hospital gown. Andrew had expected it and was already blocking the exit to the door. Neil tried to swerve around, but Andrew blocked him just as easily as he could an Exy ball. Neil threw himself toward the opposite wall instead and desperately clawed at the window to get it open, but Kevin intercepted him and pulled Neil away. Neil tried to elbow him in the gut or kick him in the knees, but Kevin was stronger than him.

Nicky stayed several feet away, but he had his hands up in a placating gesture. “Neil, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

The door opened again and Joseph and another nurse grabbed Neil from Kevin and plopped him into the bed. Neil kicked out, aiming for anything; knees, shins, face, but the nurses held down his flailing limbs. Someone yelled something and there was a loud bang like a body thumping against the wall, but Neil couldn’t see who it was.

Joseph murmured something to the other nurse and then someone stabbed a needle in Neil’s arm, making him dizzy and off-balance. The grip on his panic and desperation slackened until it faded away and he slumped against the pillows and lost consciousness.

Chapter Text

All Neil could do while he listened to the doctor talk was sit hunched over on the side of the bed and stare down at his hands. It was disconcerting, seeing the unfamiliar bumpy battlefield left by a terrain of scars he didn’t remember getting. His eyes traced over wounds made by a knife, interrupted by circular burn marks. They were deliberate, Neil could tell from the spacing, and probably very painful. He tried to conjure up what had happened to him but came up frustratingly blank.

At least now he had a reason why he couldn’t remember anything. Retrograde Amnesia brought about by head trauma, the doctor explained after several thorough tests that involved a light being shined in his eyes and cards with pictures on them that he had to identify.

When Neil had been subdued after he first woke up, it had only taken him a couple of hours to calm down. The drugs pumped into his system helped whether Neil fought them or not. Kevin and the others had been kicked out of the room after Andrew had tried to pick a fight with one of the nurses restraining Neil.

“How long will it take for his memory to come back?” a man – David Wymack, Neil pieced together – asked. Wymack was the coach for the PSU Foxes, and apparently, to Neil’s surprise, he was here because Neil was one of the starting strikers. That explained why Kevin was here, as he was the other starting striker for Palmetto.

Wymack stood to the side of Neil as the doctor addressed them both. With his stance squared and arms crossed, Wymack looked protective. He had arrived shortly after Neil woke up and had almost made Neil collapse with panic again when the unfamiliar larger man stepped foot in the hospital room. Before Neil could even say anything or try to make another escape, Wymack explained to him where he was and where he’d been the past couple years. Someone must have told him that Neil didn’t remember anything.

“It could take a couple weeks, maybe a month or two. With how severe his head injury was, there’s a chance he may never recover his memory at all, or at least not all of it. If he doesn’t start showing signs of improvement in four months or if his condition worsens, bring him back here and we’ll run further tests.” The doctor’s voice was factual and brusque; it was all business for her. On the other hand, Wymack’s gruff words were laced with an undercurrent of concern that Neil couldn’t guess the source of.

The main thing Neil was concerned about was that he was missing almost two years of his life, and from what he gathered, he was missing a lot. If Coach Wymack told the truth, then Neil Josten was a sophomore in college, and not only that, but he was on the Exy team as well. The thought of playing Exy again made him at once anxious and eager.

Once Neil graduated high school and plucked the mask of Neil Josten off and buried it deep underground, he never expected to play Exy ever again. Millport was his only and last chance, and college was too dangerous. Especially a college and team that housed Kevin Day. Surely, he’d known the risk before he signed his life away for five years.

A shudder wracked Neil’s frame that he tried to suppress, but from the quick look Wymack sent his way, he wasn’t quite successful. Neil found himself wanting for the acrid smoke of a cigarette. He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled. If he thought hard enough Neil swore he could almost smell smoke, but it was gone at the doctor’s next words.

“We can send him home today –” Neil didn’t listen to the rest of the doctor’s words as his head shot up, sending a bolt of pain through his eye to his forehead.

“I can leave today? Like, right now?” he asked.

The doctor glanced at him and pursed her lips. It seemed to be an expression she made quite a bit. “You’ll need to be checked out first, but after that is done, then yes. You are cleared to go.”

Neil made a fist and avoided looking down at the scars stretching across his knuckles as his stomach twisted with nerves. He was anxious to leave the hospital room and see how much his life had changed. He still felt the insistent itch to run, but the need to play Exy was stronger than that for now.

“We’ll leave you to get dressed. I’ll have a nurse right outside the door if you need anything,” the doctor said. Neil knew from the pointed look she pinned him with that the nurse was really there to prevent him from trying to escape again, but Neil was being released so he didn’t plan on running anytime soon. He nodded and the doctor followed Wymack out the door.

She didn’t say if he had any clothes to get dressed with, however.

Neil’s eyes fell on the duffel pushed under one of the chairs. He hesitated for a moment before he pushed himself up off the bed and slid the bag over with his bare foot. He unzipped it and dug through the contents until he found the only thing Neil recognized, one of his gray hoodies. The fraying edges of the hoodie were familiar, he noted with relief. He hadn’t lost everything.

Neil dressed quickly; the black jeans he found clung uncomfortably to his body and were several inches too short, but they would have to do. He rezipped the duffel, and slinging it over his shoulder, reached out to open the door when something caught his eye.

It was a small package wrapped in green and red striped wrapping paper. When Neil got closer he noticed that there was a tag on it that read, in a messy scrawl: To: Neil, From: Nicky + Family.

Startled, Neil stared at the words until they started to blur. He blinked rapidly, but the words never changed and Neil thought that there must be a mistake. His only family was either dead or wanted to kill him. Neil shook his head and grabbed the package anyway and flipped it over so the tag was face down and shoved it in the duffel.

There was a knock at the door before it opened again. Joseph peeked his head in and opened the door fully when he saw that Neil was dressed. Neil tensed when Joseph got close, but Joseph only gave him an apologetic look before asking him if he was ready to go.

Neil nodded and brushed past Joseph into the hall. Wymack was waiting outside with Andrew, who was leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. Nicky and Kevin were nowhere to be seen, so Neil assumed they must have left already. Neil didn’t meet his gaze, but he could feel Andrew’s eyes boring holes through the back of his neck as he followed Joseph to the desk.

By the time he signed for his release and made it to Wymack’s car, Neil’s head was throbbing with every beat of his heart. He thought about the painkillers the doctor had given him with strict instructions to take them once a day with his breakfast and wondered if he could take one now. It was late in the afternoon, but technically he still hadn’t eaten breakfast.

He fumbled with the paper bag with clumsy fingers, but before he could rip it open, Andrew snatched it from Neil’s hands and pointed a warning finger at him. Dick, Neil thought. He leveled Andrew a glare but it bounced right off of Andrew’s unconcerned shrug as he slid into the passenger’s seat of the car. Neil let himself glower a second longer before he climbed into the back.

Wymack must have guessed Neil didn’t feel like talking, and Andrew didn’t seem like the sociable type, so he turned on the radio as they drove back to the dorms. Neil watched absentmindedly out the window as the car sped over asphalt, not thinking about the last time he was in a car and almost letting the flash of trees and other vehicles lull him to sleep. Neil wasn’t about to let his guard down around these people though, no matter how much they claimed to know him. He still felt uneasy, so he forced his eyes open and watched a fly that trapped itself between the window.

It only took about twenty minutes before they reached campus. Wymack drove past it and parked outside a house several minutes away. He told Neil that the Foxes stayed in the athlete dorms on campus, called Fox Tower, but since it was winter break the dorms were closed for another week and they were staying at Abby’s house. Neil didn’t know who Abby was, but Wymack explained that she was the team’s nurse, and that she was waiting inside. Andrew was watching him with a blank expression, but Neil was too busy taking in this new information to pay him any mind.

Wymack tapped something out on his phone before putting it away again. Neil jumped out of the car and tightened his grip on the strap of the duffel he had. He hoped his duffel was inside; this one felt too new and stiff. Neil felt the absence of the familiar weight in his hands like an ache in his chest.

The inside of the house was warm, and also loud. When the door opened, the first thing Neil heard was the clanging of a pot and loud conversation.

“David, is that you?” A voice shushed the others before a woman poked her head out from behind the corner. She must have been Abby. Her eyes were lined with faint wrinkles that made her look kinder, but now her eyes were weary as they flickered between Neil, Wymack, and Andrew before she beckoned them in.

Neil stepped into the kitchen, taking care to keep a considerable space between him and Wymack, and halted at the entrance.

The room fell quiet as conversation stopped. The only thing Neil could hear was the click of the oven door when Abby closed it. Kevin and Nicky were holding plates and cups in their hands, but they stopped setting the table when Neil walked in. Someone who looked like Andrew but wasn’t – Aaron, then – was glaring at Neil, but that seemed to be his natural expression, and a girl he didn’t recognize was staring at Neil with wide eyes.

The tension finally broke when Andrew kicked the door to the house shut, startling everyone from their staring. Neil didn’t like having Andrew at his back, but Andrew was already weaving through to the table where he sat by the door. Kevin cleared his throat awkwardly, and then he and Nicky finished arranging the table.

The food didn’t take too much longer to cook. Wymack ordered Neil to sit at the table while “the rest of the freeloaders” helped with dinner. He felt awkward just sitting there and watching, but when he got up to help Wymack shot him a stern glare that made Neil retreat back to his seat. The smell of garlic and lemon made Neil’s stomach growl as he watched the others bustle around the kitchen.

The garlic-roasted chicken with lemon was delicious, and Neil couldn’t remember when he’d eaten something that wasn’t from a can. He tried to eat slowly, but he devoured his entire plate before anyone else had. Stuffing his face didn’t prevent anyone from asking questions that Neil couldn’t dodge however.

Nicky smiled at Neil from where he sat between Aaron and Wymack. “How are you doing, Neil?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” Neil said, avoiding eye contact with anyone. To Neil’s bemusement, Nicky gave a forced laugh that nearly covered up Andrew’s scoff. Neil narrowed his eyes at him, but Andrew met his gaze head-on without blinking. Neil would have stared him down all day, but Abby interrupted.

“What did the doctors say about your head?”

Neil shrugged. “My memory might come back within a couple weeks if I’m lucky.”

“Might?” the girl asked quietly. It was the first time Neil had heard her speak at all.

“Apparently, I hit my head pretty hard. There’s a chance I won’t get my memory back.” Neil didn’t like this turn in the conversation. He didn’t want to be talking about himself whatsoever. He couldn’t bring himself to look up, so he busied himself with pushing the remaining sauce around his plate with his fork.

“That’s…” Nicky trailed off, his throat bobbing up and down as he searched for words, “At least there’s a chance? Maybe you’ll start remembering stuff when we go back to the dorms.”

Neil wasn’t hopeful, but he didn’t say that.

“Dorms open again on Friday. The rest of the Foxes will be back around then as well,” Wymack said.

The rest of the evening had been quiet.

After dinner, Wymack and Andrew cleaned the dishes while Kevin put on an Exy game. Neil sunk into one of the armchairs around the TV and blocked out the rest of the world. Abby told him he could take a shower, and that Nicky had grabbed his clothes from the dorm and the rest of his stuff was in the first bedroom down the hall. Grateful for the escape, Neil made his way to the bedroom as soon as the game ended.

Neil had never been more relieved to see his patchy old duffel bag than he was now. He yanked open the zipper and riffled through his stuff. All that was in there were clothes, most of which he didn’t recognize, and his binder was nowhere to be seen. Neil felt panic squeeze his chest, but he bottled it away. He had been at Palmetto for two years now, there was a high likelihood that the rest of his belongings were still in his dorm. The others wouldn’t have known to grab his binder. If Neil were smart, he would have found a safe place to lock it up away from everyone else.

Once Neil could breathe again, he gathered his clean clothes and a towel he found in the closet in his arms to take to the shower. He was about to lock himself in the bathroom but stopped dead in his tracks when he caught sight of his reflection and saw his father staring back at him.

Neil hadn’t had time to shower while at the hospital, and he didn’t check his reflection before he left. But now all he could see was the terrifying shock of auburn hair and blue eyes Neil never wanted to see ever again. But it wasn’t his father’s face anymore. Past the hair, scars that matched the ones on his arms and a fresh cut above his eye that still had stitches marked up his face. Bruises that hadn’t faded yet still lined his face, making his skin a myriad of purple, green, and yellow.

Neil wasn’t sure if he made a sound when his knees gave way, making him sink to the floor. He scrabbled at the ground, looking for some hold to pull him upright, but his nerveless hands were shaking too badly to be anything but useless.

Someone called his name, and then hands were pulling at him and pushing him back. A hand wrapped around the back of Neil’s neck. “Neil. It’s okay. You are okay. No one can hurt you. You are –”

“Get off. Get off of me.” The words were strangled when they were torn from his throat, and Neil grasped at the hands on him and dug his nails into whatever bit of skin he could reach. The hands dropped away immediately, and Neil scrambled backwards until the cold porcelain of the bathtub dug into his spine. Neil thought he would be sick as his breaths came in too fast for him to properly get air into his lungs.

He heard a murmur of voices and footsteps. Then a wet rag was pushed into his hands but all Neil could do was clutch it and let it drip in his lap as he struggled to breathe.

“Abram, listen to me.” Neil stilled at the name, and for a dizzying moment he thought he was with his mother, but no one was trying to grab him anymore. “You are in Abby’s house in South Carolina and no one can hurt you.”

Finally, Neil regained some semblance of control and met Andrew’s steady gaze. Andrew was sitting near enough to Neil that he could reach out, but far enough that Neil didn’t feel crowded. His hands were bunched up in his lap. Neil’s breathing stuttered.

“How do you know that name?” Neil asked hoarsely.

“You gave it to me.”

Neil didn’t know what to make of that, so he didn’t say anything else. He pawed at his memory, trying to remember when and why he thought it would be a good idea to share a third of his real name, but came back with nothing. When Neil stayed quiet, Andrew watched him a moment longer before he slowly got up, as if not to startle Neil, and left.

Neil stayed on the floor for a moment longer and stared at the locked door until his breathing was steady. Then he turned on the shower as hot as it could go and slipped in.

Chapter Text

Long after the water began to run cold, Neil turned off the shower, pulled on baggy clothes over slick skin, and left the muggy bathroom. Andrew was waiting in the hallway, presumably for Neil to be done. Neil stopped short in front of him, wary of what he wanted. Instead of saying anything, Andrew turned and led him through the living room where Nicky and Kevin were sleeping and out the front door.

Andrew already had a cigarette lit that he passed over to Neil before he sat on the first stair on the porch. Neil hesitated, still standing, but when Andrew didn’t take the cigarette back Neil slowly reached for it and pulled it close to his face. He took a drag to get the flame going and then waved it around to scatter the smoke and let the scent comfort him. If he closed his eyes he could see a burning car and smell gasoline and charred flash. Neil shuddered as revulsion closed around his throat like a cold hand. Neil opened his eyes.

“That’s a waste of nicotine, you know,” Andrew said in a quiet voice, but he wasn’t looking at Neil. Instead he was staring off at the lonely snowflakes that had begun to fall as he carefully smoked his cigarette.

Neil rubbed a hand over his bare arms. All he had on was a t-shirt and sweatpants and he hadn’t thought to put on shoes or even socks before he followed Andrew out into the cool air. He didn’t even know why he followed Andrew. He should have gone straight to his room and locked the door, but he needed answers.

“My father did this to my face, didn’t he,” Neil said, not really a question. When Andrew nodded Neil lowered himself down on the stair to sit next to the other man. He left a sizeable gap between them that could fit both Kevin and Nicky.

Neil always knew that it was only a matter of time before his father caught up to him. Last time it had killed his mother; this time it should have killed Neil, but it didn’t. Neil’s voice was quiet and uncertain when he said, “You said my father was dead. Is that really true?”

Andrew nodded again and finally turned to face Neil. His expression was impassive, but there was a sharp glint in his eyes that Neil thought must have been a trick from the dim street lights. He didn’t talk again until he had finished his first cigarette and lit another. Neil waited quietly, despite feeling the anxious edge pushing underneath his skin. He needed to know what happened, he needed to know if he was really safe.

A stream of smoke clouded around Andrew’s head before it was whisked away by the breeze. Then Andrew started talking lowly, his voice a quiet rumble in the chilly night.

Neil occasionally asked questions, but mostly he gritted his teeth as he listened. He was frustrated with himself for not remembering and relieved to hear that his father was actually dead. He tried to conjure up the memories; getting kidnapped after a game by his father’s men, being tortured, seeing his father die, returning home.

Home. It sounded like an abstract concept in a foreign language that Neil didn’t understand. He hadn’t had a home since he and his mother left in the middle of the night and ran, but even before then, it wasn’t much of one. Neil thought of heavy hands and a burn scar on his shoulder; he could still remember the way he had to constantly be conscious of his father and his short temper. There were no such things as relaxation and safety.

Neil felt sudden hysterical laughter bubble up in his throat but it was gone before he could do anything.

He wondered if he could trust Andrew, or if Andrew was even telling the truth. Neil hadn’t had anyone to trust since his mom died, and that was nearly three years ago, even if he could only remember one of those years. He felt unsteady from the past couple days and he didn’t know who he could rely on if he couldn’t rely on himself.

By the time they were done with their cigarettes, Andrew had stopped talking and Neil was starting to shiver from the cold, so Andrew brushed ash from his sweats and stood up. Neil followed suit and went inside after Andrew. Neither of them said anything as they retreated to their separate rooms.

Neil spent the rest of the night tossing and turning in one of Abby’s spare bedrooms. He couldn’t forget the sound of his name coming from Andrew’s mouth, or the feeling of the cold night air raising goosebumps along his arms. Every time he closed his eyes his father’s face flashed before his eyes, and then his own face covered in bruises and burn scars.

It was hard to believe that his father was actually dead. His father was a monster that seemed impossible to kill. Harder still to believe was that Neil was free to play Exy and be Neil Josten. He felt unsettled.

Nothing felt quite real; like any minute he’ll wake up in the house in Millport, laying in his nest of old blankets he used for a bed and surrounded by plaster and dry wall. Underneath it all, Neil felt a curl of hope that he didn’t want to think too much about. Not all of the gaps were filled in his memory, and he could just as quickly lose all of this as he did gain it.

Neil shifted onto his back and pulled the bedsheets tighter around himself as he stared at the ceiling of his room. It was hard to get comfortable in the bed, his ribs were aching and the bandages wrapped around his chest made it hard to breathe. Abby had said he couldn’t take them off for another couple days, but Neil thought about taking them off anyway. He had dealt with fractured ribs before in worse circumstances, after all.

It wasn’t until gray light from dawn began to filter through the window before Neil was finally able to snatch some sleep. He dreamt of a car and a dashboard lighter, his father and a twisted smile.

The next morning Neil had tried to leave the house for a run, but Abby had wrestled him into the kitchen with strict orders to do nothing strenuous until at least his ribs were healed. She watched to make sure Neil took his painkillers and then placed a stack of pancakes and bacon in front of him. Wymack was already awake and sipping coffee at the table, so Abby made him eat pancakes as well. The others began to slowly trickle into the kitchen and eat the proffered pancakes.

Before Neil could finish his second pancake, Abby suggested everyone go around and reintroduce themselves to Neil. Neil tried to say that it wasn’t necessary, but Nicky was already talking.

“I’m, er, Nicky Hemmick. I’m starting backliner and Andrew and Aaron’s cousin.” Neil stared, prompting Nicky to let out a little laugh and explain that he got his dark complexion from his mom, who was from Mexico. He shifted uncomfortably and Neil noticed that he didn’t really like to talk about his parents.

Andrew flat out refused to say anything when it was his turn, and Aaron tried to leave the room but Wymack blocked the exit and told him to sit his ass down. Kevin didn’t need to introduce himself, but he did anyway. His introduction was short, but Neil couldn’t let himself relax the entire time he talked. Rationally, he knew that Kevin had to know who Neil really was, as Andrew had mentioned that after the team came back from Baltimore Neil had told them his story. But he couldn’t help remembering Kevin’s terrified expression that day when Neil’s father cut a man to pieces in front of them.

The girl had barely said a word throughout dinner and breakfast, and her voice was quiet when she introduced herself as Robin, a freshman striker. She tended to fidget when she was being watched and seemed uncomfortable to be the center of attention.

“Right. Now that that’s out of the way we can finish breakfast.” Wymack cleared his throat and pulled the stack of pancakes closer to him and stabbed at a couple pieces of bacon.

Neil picked at the rest of his breakfast. He wasn’t very hungry, and nerves were making his stomach churn. He wanted to go to the court and play Exy. He wanted to run laps until his legs burned and he couldn’t think anymore. Luckily, Kevin seemed to be thinking the same thing because he asked Andrew to take them to the court.

“We need to know how much Neil remembers and what we need to work on. I’m not going to let this set out season back,” Kevin said, steadfastly ignoring Abby’s glare. Andrew stared back at Kevin, his unamused expression giving nothing away.

“He just got back from the hospital, Kev,” Nicky objected. “Shouldn’t he rest a bit?

“No, I want to go to the court. I want to play. I’ve been resting for a week,” Neil said immediately. Andrew didn’t look like he was any more convinced, but Neil would run to the Foxhole Court if he had to. Kevin pointed at Neil in triumph.

“I’ll take you to your court but I’m not picking up a racquet. I’m on vacation,” Andrew finally conceded. Neil felt a thrill go through him at the thought of playing again.

“No. Absolutely not. You can go, Neil, but you’re sitting out. You need to get better before I’ll let you on the court,” Abby said. Neil opened his mouth to complain, but Abby didn’t look like she was about to change her mind anytime soon.

Kevin huffed and was about to launch into an entire tirade before Wymack cut in. “How about Neil takes it easy. He can play, but if he so much feels a twinge then he sits out.”

Neil didn’t say that he was already feeling a twinge, he didn’t want Wymack to take it back and ban him from the court completely. Abby looked like she wanted to argue, but she pursed her lips and agreed.

“Great. Let’s go.”

“Hey, I want to actually finish my breakfast before I put myself through physical exercise. I agree with Andrew, we’re on vacation and – ” Nicky started.

“You don’t have to come,” Neil said, already getting out of his seat and heading to the door. He paused briefly when Wymack put his hand out to stop him and remind him that if anything starts to hurt then he’s being benched. Neil nodded and went around Wymack, careful not to get too close.

The Foxhole Court was everything Neil imagined, everything he dreamed of, everything he could have hoped for. It was larger than the court he played on in Millport, and it was an actual court. It wasn’t as big as Edgar Allen’s court, but it didn’t need to be.

Neil pressed his hands against the thick Plexiglas and forced himself to patiently wait for Kevin to unlock the door and let him inside. He had taken his jersey and gear to the bathroom stall to quickly change out after Kevin showed him where his locker was. Neil couldn’t remember his locker combo, so Kevin had to look it up in Wymack’s office. Now all he could look forward to was hurling an Exy ball at the goal and watching it light up red.

Andrew wasn’t kidding when he said he wouldn’t play. As soon as Kevin let them in, Andrew made a beeline for the bleachers and settled into one of the rows farther up. Neil wondered why Andrew refused to play when he was so good at it. He knew his stats were amazing, but he also knew Andrew rejected Kevin and Riko’s offer to play for Edgar Allen. Neil wanted to know why.

After they warmed up, Kevin had them do drills to test how much Neil remembered. Neil didn’t necessarily remember the drills, but his muscles had practiced them so much he didn’t need to. Every swing and maneuver felt engrained in his body. Although his movements were slow, and a lot of the times he found himself hesitating, it felt good to be playing again.

Neil ribs ached but he ignored it and swung again, aiming the ball to rebound off the wall and hit one of the cones Kevin had set up in a line. The ball bounced off the Plexiglas and narrowly missed the cone he had aimed for. Neil hissed a frustrated breath through clenched teeth and motioned for Kevin to send another ball his way.

Instead, Kevin fired off the Exy balls at the cones and knocked them over one at a time without preamble. Neil stared and felt the deep thrum of want pulse through his veins. When Kevin was done, he rounded on Neil and jabbed a finger at him.

“You need to focus. You’ll get nowhere close to where you were if you keep going on like this,” Kevin said, emphasizing his point with enthusiastic stabs of his finger.

Neil bristled. “I’m trying,” he said, feeling his temper flare.

“Try harder.” Kevin motioned for Neil to pick up the Exy balls. “Again. And this time put some actual effort into it.”

The second time around, Neil managed to knock down two cones. Kevin stopped him again and had Neil readjust his grip before ordering him to do it again. Something seemed to click into place and Neil felt a jolt when his hands found the familiar place on his racket. He picked up another ball and started again.

Neil’s head was pounding by the time he was able to knock down four of the six cones. He sucked in a sharp breath when his ribs gave a dull throb, and before Neil could stop himself he wrapped his arm around his stomach and clutched his side.

A banging on the Plexiglas alerted Neil to Andrew’s presence on the other side of the wall and Kevin stopped Neil from shooting again. Neil tried to brush him off, but Kevin grabbed his arm and growled, “I’m not risking you getting even more injured because you don’t know when to stop. We’re taking a break.”

“I’m fine,” Neil seethed, shaking out of Kevin’s grasp. He wasn’t going to let some aching bones stop him from playing Exy.

Kevin glared at him as he undid the straps on his helmet and yanked off his gloves. “I’m done with you for today. Go shower before I take you off the court myself and have you benched for the next game.”

Neil was about to argue but Andrew banged on the glass again. Neil shot him a look and turned back to Kevin, but Kevin was already pushing the heavy door of the court open, leaving Neil to clean up the Exy balls and cones by himself. The door swinging shut as Kevin left only made Neil angrier.

Chapter Text

The end of winter break heralded the arrival of the rest of the Foxes and Neil’s return to the dorms. Technically, the dorms weren’t supposed to open until tomorrow, but Wymack was able to swing it so that the Foxes could get situated before practices started up again.

Two of the Freshman had already moved back into their room with Robin, but Abby made Neil stay back so she could check his stitches. She let Neil take off his bandages yesterday since his ribs were feeling much better than they were on Sunday, but the stitches weren’t supposed to come out for another week or two. Abby prodded at the stitches on his forehead with careful fingers. Neil didn’t meet her eyes when she looked at him, but luckily, she was more focused on checking his wound for infection than catching his eye. After she deemed him healthy, she let him go. Neil scrambled out of her office before Abby could say anything else.

Nicky and Abby’s sympathy were already getting on his nerves. He didn’t know how he was going to manage when the others got back. After Nicky finally convinced Neil to check his phone on Wednesday, he scrolled through countless messages of concern from some of the other Foxes before he gave up and turned his phone off without answering any of them.

Kevin did let Neil back on the court again, but he made him go easy and take frequent breaks. Relearning Exy in Millport had been difficult the first time around, but with a head injury as a college athlete it was even harder. Neil practiced until his muscles were sore and his head ached too much to think.

Occasionally Andrew would be in goal and Neil would take shots on him, but more often than not, Andrew would hit the ball all the way down the court and make Neil run for it. Neil was sure Andrew would push him until Neil ran himself ragged. Andrew was relentless and unforgiving in the goalie box, he was an unmovable wall that Neil could try all he wanted to get around but oftentimes Neil just crashed and burned until he couldn’t move anymore.

It was rewarding, though, when he did score on Andrew.

Kevin called an end to the practice when Andrew rebounded yet another one of Neil’s shots and Neil could barely swing his racquet to catch the ball. Neil would never admit it, but he was quietly relieved. He wanted a shower and sleep. He wanted his former skill back. He wanted everything taken from him in the crash.

Neil pulled on a gray sweatshirt and jeans after he showered. He avoided looking at his distorted reflection in the foggy mirror, still not quite able to meet his father’s blue eyes looking back at him or see his father’s hair and cruel mouth. Even with the scars, Neil looked too much like Nathan and he hated it with a fire that burned in him. He wondered what his father looked like with bullet holes in his chest.

Matt Boyd was supposed to be at the dorms in fifteen minutes, so Andrew’s lot was getting ready to leave. Neil stuffed all his clothes into his duffel and zipped it shut. He looked over at his phone on the nightstand and debated leaving it, but then decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and jammed it in the pocket on the side of his bag. The rest of the group were ready to leave by the time Neil was done tying his shoes.

Wymack had told Neil about Fox Tower on the way back from the hospital so Neil knew what to expect. The Exy team’s dorms were on the third floor so they took the elevator up. Neil didn’t like being so high up where an escape would be difficult if he needed it, but he figured if he had survived for the past year and a half on the third floor then it would be alright.

“Neil, you’re gonna be rooming with Andrew and Kevin. Me, Aaron, and Matt are in the room next to it. The two rooms on your other side are for the Freshman, and this is the girls’ room,” Nicky explained as he knocked on one of the doors.

Neil eyed where Nicky pointed out his room warily. He briefly wondered why Andrew wasn’t rooming with his family but brushed the thought aside as irrelevant. Andrew unlocked the door and disappeared inside. Neil glanced around the living room on his way to the bedroom. There was a couch and two bean bag chairs set up in front of the TV, as well as a coffee table and a desk pushed to the side covered in stacks of what looked like old history text books.

In the bedroom there was a bunk bed and another bed raised up to fit a wide dresser underneath it. Two other dressers were shoved between the beds and two desks were nestled against the wall. The room was crammed and had a lived-in feeling to it, despite the walls looking sparse aside from a USC Trojan poster tacked on the wall beside the third bed.

Neil stood in the doorway of the bedroom as Andrew dropped his duffel on the bottom bunk and started to unpack his clothes in one of the dressers. Kevin pushed past Neil and flung his bag toward the dresser underneath the bed and had barely climbed up the ladder before he slumped over his rumpled bedsheets and fell back asleep. Neil took that to mean the top bunk and the last dresser were his.

With Andrew and Kevin in the room with him, Neil wasn’t able to immediately dig around and find his binder like he wanted to, so he unzipped his duffel bag instead. While unpacking, he discreetly took stock of everything in the closet and around his bed. There was nothing on his bed except sheets and a single pillow, but Neil spotted a safe shoved in the back of the closet. Andrew ignored it and Kevin didn’t seem to care about it, so that had to be where Neil’s binder full of all his cash was. He didn’t feel the need to run, not yet, but he would feel better knowing everything was where he needed it.

A knock at the front door snatched Neil’s already-wary attention from the folded clothes he was dumping in his drawers and made him pause. Kevin made no move to get it, and Andrew was busy typing out something on his phone, so Neil went to go see who it was.

A very tall person with very tall spikes in his hair stood on the other side when Neil opened the door. He grinned when he saw Neil. Neil blinked up at him and said, “You must be Matt Boyd.”

Matt’s smile faltered. “Yeah. Coach told us about your, you know.” He gestured to his head. “You really don’t –”

“No. I don’t,” Neil cut him off testily. He was tired of people he was supposed to know but didn’t asking him if he really didn’t remember them. It’s not like he chose to forget them.

Matt frowned and ignored Neil’s short tone. “Man, I can’t really say I’ve missed you looking like you’ve gone through the shredder. How’s the head?”

Neil shrugged. “I’m fine.”

Inexplicably, Matt grinned again. “Well, it’s good to see that you’re okay. I should probably go put my stuff away. The girls’ll be here soon, you know?”

Neil didn’t know, but he nodded anyway. Matt gave Neil’s shoulder a squeeze he couldn’t dodge before he went to his own room. Neil shut the door and perched on one of the arms of the couch.

Wymack had told Neil about the other Foxes earlier that day so he wouldn’t be so overwhelmed when he met them. Or, re-met them. Allison and Renee’s plane was supposed to land soon, and Dan would be here sometime after them. The rest of the Freshman would be trickling in sometime before then.

Practices didn’t start until Monday on January 7, which gave the Foxes three days to move back in. Neil hoped that Kevin still took him to the court to practice. He was getting better every day, but neither Kevin or Neil was satisfied. Neil wanted to be as good as he used to be, but it was difficult to have to relearn everything. Even when most of his movements were dictated by muscle memory, Neil’s shots were often too slow or too sloppy. He needed to refine his playing if he were to play in the upcoming game against Belmonte.

Since Kevin didn’t seem to be getting up and going to the court anytime soon, Neil decided to prolong facing the rest of the team and exploring the campus. Not wanting to be tempted to run and skip town completely, Neil left his duffel in the dorm while he pulled on his running shoes and left without turning back.

Perimeter Road was the main road that wrapped around campus. Several stores branched off but Neil didn’t bother going inside. When he dug through his things back at the dorm, he found a crumpled piece of paper that was his schedule, so Neil jogged past his classrooms to avoid getting lost on Monday. At the end of the road was the library. Not a lot of people seemed to be there so Neil slipped inside and out of the cold.

The library was huge, shelves of books lined the walls and staff stood behind the counters of several check-out stands. But Neil skipped to the row of tables with computers in the back.

The first thing Neil searched for was his name, Neil Josten. Several news stories from journalists and interviewers popped up, as well as pictures of him playing Exy and what looked like a face shot for a sports column. It made him uneasy how assessable he was. All anyone needed was to search his name and his face and whereabouts were a few clicks away. Neil had spent most of his life running away and making himself unnoticeable, but in the past year alone, he had completely unraveled all of his and his mother’s hard work. She would be furious.

Neil skimmed the articles. Most of them were about his Exy stats in his first year, but there were a couple about Edgar Allen as well. He was surprised to see that the Foxes beat the previously undefeatable Edgar Allen Ravens and won Championships last year. There was a picture that featured the Foxes that appeared to be taken after they won.

The Foxes were celebrating, and even Kevin and Aaron were sharing looks of triumphant victory. Dan Wilds had a ferocious smile on her face as she pinned Neil into a fierce hug. It was strange to see the happy expression on his face in the picture, his grin was much different than the cruel smirk he had inherited from his father. Neil bookmarked the page and opened another tab, intending to come back to it later.

A headline caught Neil’s eye, and his breath was stolen from his chest when he read the words NCAA Exy’s rookie star Neil Josten son of notorious mobster. Neil’s stomach clenched when he hastily clicked the link. A picture of him was displayed by his father’s mugshot. In the picture, he had the same blue eyes and red hair Nathan did, except there was a small black 4 on his left cheek that matched Kevin’s previous 2 and Riko’s 1. Neil stared at the pictures until his eyes burned, unwilling or unable to look away.

Panic rose up in Neil’s chest and his vision blacked out until he couldn’t see the screen at all. Neil didn’t want to lose control in such a public place, even when it was nearly empty, so he focused on taking shaky breaths until his vision returned and he could read the article. A lot of it Andrew had already told him, the riot at Binghamton, his disappearance, his return with the FBI, and his father’s death.

Seeing the story on the screen was physical proof Neil hadn’t realized he didn’t believe before he actually saw it. Andrew’s words hadn’t seemed quite real before, but now he had something to drive the point home. His stomach twisted and Neil had to swallow a few times to make sure he wouldn’t be sick in the middle of the library. He finished the article and began to look for more, but they all said the same thing. He clicked out of it, paranoid someone was watching him over his shoulder, and was about to go back to reading about the Foxes’ win last year when someone called his name.

Neil whipped around, his heart pounding madly in his chest. Nicky and Andrew were on the other side of the room making their way towards him. Neil quickly shut off the computer and tried to calm his rapid heartbeat. Andrew stopped in front of him and scowled. “Pick up your damn phone,” he said.

Neil patted his pockets but came up empty except for his class schedule. He had left his phone in his duffel back at the dorm. Andrew’s scowl deepened and Nicky winced. “Seriously dude, we thought you might’ve been hurt.”

Neil didn’t know how they knew he would be here, or how long it took them to find him. He used to be better at disappearing.

When Neil didn’t try to explain himself, Nicky smiled weakly. “The girls just arrived back at the dorms. They want to see you, make sure you’re in one piece and all. I tried to tell them you were alright, but you wouldn’t answer your texts and no one knew where you were, you see,” he said, waving his phone around.

Neil swallowed nervously and said nothing. They went back to the dorms and Neil braced himself for another wave of introductions and unwanted sympathy.

Chapter Text

On Monday morning, Neil got up before the sun had risen so he could go on his run before the rest of the Foxes began to get ready for the gym. Neil could hear Kevin’s heavy snores coming from his bed, so he crept through the darkened room as to not wake him and Andrew. One of the rungs on the ladder creaked when Neil put his weight on it, making him freeze with one foot raised in the air above the last step. Kevin shifted in his sleep but continued to snore and Andrew didn’t move at all, so Neil slowly lowered himself onto the carpeted floor. He wasn’t trying to be sneaky, but he needed room to breathe and it was impossible with the Foxes’ constant hovering.

It was too dark to see out the window, but Neil could hear the light pitter-patter of rain on the glass, so he pulled on his hoodie and a pair of black joggers he found in his dresser. He laced up his shoes and slipped outside the bedroom, not wanting to spend any more time in the constricting room. There was no point in eating breakfast, and Neil wasn’t usually hungry so early in the morning anyway, so he skipped past the kitchen and left the dorm.

It was cold outside, and while it wasn’t windy, the drizzle of rain made the frigid air downright miserable. Neil blew onto his hands to warm them up before he started on a slow jog to warm up in an attempt to make the weather more bearable.

He had lapped the building twice and went down Perimeter Road before he decided to start on his way back. A part of him didn’t want the others to know he had gone. Their overbearing concern, while it was well-intentioned, was claustrophobic, and Neil found himself being smothered. He wasn’t used to being surrounded by so many people – especially since they seemed to care about him, at least a little. He wanted to slip back into his dorm room without being noticed.

However when he took the stairs to the third floor, Dan was standing in the hallway outside her door with a hand outstretched for the doorknob. She looked surprised to see Neil there when she looked up.

Neil stopped in his tracks and prepared for Dan to rush him, but when Dan didn’t immediately pat him down for injuries, he tried the handle of his own door. It was locked, of course, and Neil didn’t have the key and his lock pins were in his binder in the safe. He could feel Dan’s stare on the side of his face.

“You’re up early,” she said, conveniently ignoring the fact that she was also up early.

“I went for a run,” Neil said and turned to Dan to see if she somehow had a spare key. But Dan’s expression was befuddled. Instead of looking at his face, she was eyeing his joggers. Neil shifted uncomfortably and said, “I went for runs before Palmetto, too.”

Dan nodded distractedly. “Hey, um. Aren’t those Andrew’s?” she asked, nodding to his pants. Her voice had a light, stretched quality to it.

Neil shrugged. They clung to him more than his usual baggy clothes did, but they were warm so Neil wore them anyway. “I don’t know. They were in my drawer.”

Dan narrowed her eyes and searched Neil’s face intently. Neil didn’t know why he was being inspected or what Dan expected to find. “Right.”

For some reason, this made Neil even more uncomfortable. He was about to turn away and find someone else to help him when Dan cleared her throat.

“How are things, by the way?” Dan asked. Neil sighed, already tired of the conversation, but then she continued, “With the Monster – uh, Andrew, I mean.”

Neil blinked, confused. “Fine, I guess. Why wouldn’t they be?”

“Oh, ah. Nothing.” Dan coughed and looked away. She unlocked the door to her room and stepped inside. She gave him a quick wave and said, “See you at the gym.”

Dan didn’t give Neil enough time to respond before she shut the door. Neil didn’t know what to make of the exchange, so he pushed it to the back of his mind. He knocked on the door and hoped that Andrew or Kevin would hear and answer it. He’d only knocked once when the door was yanked open.

Startled, Neil dropped his hand as Andrew glared at him from the other side of the door. Andrew threw a set of keys at Neil which hit him in the middle of his chest and fell to the floor with a metallic clink.

“Those were in your stupid desk,” Andrew said and disappeared back inside.

Neil bent and grabbed the keys from the floor. He didn’t know what any of them did, except for one that looked like a car key. Neil didn’t have a car, nor did he need one, so he wondered whose car it belonged to and why he had the key. It might’ve been Matt’s, who Neil knew had a large truck parked outside and seemed to be buddy-buddy with Neil before the accident. The other keys he would have to ask about later.

Shaking out small droplets of water that had begun to drip from his hair, Neil stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him. Kevin still seemed to be asleep, but Andrew appeared to have been awake for a while. Neil could smell coffee wafting over from the kitchen, and the bathroom was still humid from a recent shower. He must have woken up not too long after Neil left.

It didn’t take too much longer for Kevin to wake up; only seven minutes of his alarm blaring and Andrew throwing a pillow at him before he finally rolled over and dragged himself out of bed. As it turns out, Kevin was not a morning person. He practically inhaled three oranges and a protein shake, and he didn’t let Neil leave before he also drank one.

They had to get a ride with Matt to the gym. Kevin snagged shotgun, claiming his legs were too long to fit in the back, but Andrew and Neil were small enough to make it work. Nicky had laughed, chiming in that there was no way Kevin could fit his big head back there anyway. Andrew only glared at the both of them and threatened to lock Kevin out of the room when they got back.

Wymack gave them a short welcome-back speech before he released them on the gym. Neil went straight to the treadmills, despite his morning run. They only had an hour before the football team needed the gym, so Neil made the most of his time. Nicky tried to start a conversation with him from the other treadmill, but Neil ignored him and increased his speed until Nicky left for the weights, muttering something about how running sucks anyway.

Since it was Monday, Neil didn’t have class until noon, and then practice was a little after that. Andrew and Kevin were in class until afternoon practice, so Neil was in the dorm by himself.

He tried working on his homework, but the only one that made sense was his math homework. He was sure if he focused more and went through his admittedly minimal notes, he might be able to figure out the rest, but it was hard when he couldn’t remember anything from his past classes. Neil pushed away his notebook in defeat and tapped an agitated rhythm with his pencil against his desk.

His mind kept wandering back to the awkward interaction with Dan that morning. It didn’t make sense, and he didn’t know why she was so concerned about his pants. Neil hadn’t known they were Andrew’s, and it really didn’t seem like a big deal that he accidentally wore them. After all, they were in his drawer.

But that wasn’t just it. She had asked him how were things, specifically with Andrew. If anything, Neil would think she would have asked about Kevin, since Kevin was usually the one hounding their asses. Maybe she was still caught on the joggers.

Neil sighed, rubbing his eyes, and closed his book. Studying right now seemed hopeless. He glanced at his watch and tried to decide if he had time to take a nap. He didn’t really think sleeping through his classes would fly, he needed all the help he could get if he were to catch up on the course material.

Idly, he wondered if he would fail his classes and be kicked off the team. The fact that it was possible scared him enough to look at his homework again, but not enough to keep him from doodling on the margins of his paper.

Neil didn’t have too long to dwell on it until he needed to go. It had stopped raining by then, but it was still cold so Neil stuffed a jacket in his backpack in case he needed it later. He hesitated on his way past the desk; his untouched homework assignment was a mocking tribute to Neil’s failure, adorned with fox paws and random doodles on the sides. Neil tore the page off and stuck it in the drawer, it fit nicely with Nicky’s gift-wrapped package shoved to the back.

Neil didn’t particularly care about history, so he had no idea why he had chosen to take it. It wasn’t even easy, so he didn’t pick it because it would take stress off the workload. He took notes when he could, but it was hard not to space out and stare out the window when his professor droned on about the effects of the Gilded Age on American politics. He didn’t care about the effects of the Gilded Age on American politics. He cared about Exy.

After what seemed like forever, the class ended and Neil could look forward to Exy with no more distractions.

Except when he got to the foyer, Kevin was ranting about something to Dan, and one of the freshmen, Jack, was snarking off to the other freshman. Robin shot Neil a worried look before telling Jack to shut up. But Jack caught Neil’s eye and sneered. The freshman striker had been making snide comments to and about Neil all day, but he was easy enough to ignore. Neil brushed past him to the locker room to get dressed out.

Practice started out okay, but soon devolved to chaos when Neil fumbled the ball for the third time. Jack called him out and accused him of throwing his already shitty game to get sympathy. Neil bristled and intended to shoot back with a retort on the tip of his tongue, but Kevin shushed Jack angrily and stomped over to Neil.

“I told you to focus,” Kevin snarled, tangling his fingers in the grill of Neil’s helmet and yanking his face up towards his.

Neil wrenched his arm off and snapped, “I am. Just because it’s easy for you –”

“No. No excuses. You need to start picking up the slack. Your problems,” Kevin waved a finger around, “don’t exist inside these walls. Try harder or get off my court.”

“What the hell is your problem? I’ve been busting my ass for the past week. Maybe if you do a better job at teaching me, then we’ll actually get somewhere.” Neil shoved past Kevin and took up his position on the half-court line. Dan had started toward them to break up the fight, but Neil waved her off.

Kevin looked ready to blow his top, but he motioned for someone to serve the ball and restart the scrimmage.

Neil’s blood hadn’t quite stopped boiling by the time Wymack called practice to a close an hour and a half later. It didn’t stop that Jack continued his antagonism and Kevin was nitpicky about every single one of Neil’s moves.

Instead of waiting for everyone to leave so he could shower and dress out, Neil brushed past the rest of the Foxes so he could shower at the dorm. Before he could leave, someone clapped a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. Neil spun around, feeling his temper flare once more. “What?”

Kevin glared at him and said, “We need to talk.”

“I think you’ve done enough talking. I get it, okay? I’ll never be as good as I used to be so you can just go ahead and kick me off the team,” Neil started, taking a breath before he really let Kevin have it.

“You don’t get it. That’s why we need to talk,” Kevin said haughtily. He knotted Neil’s jersey in a fist and tugged.

He and Neil glared at each other for a second before Kevin finally let go of Neil’s jersey and motioned for him to follow. He led them to the far side of the locker room and ducked his head so no one could overhear. “You don’t remember so I’m going to tell you. Try to keep up.”

Kevin glanced up one more time and then said in French, “The freshmen don’t know this, and neither does the general public. Keep it that way.”

Neil paused, taken aback by the French, and then gestured impatiently for Kevin to go on. Kevin breathed out and said, “Last year after we beat the Ravens in championships, Riko Moriyama was executed by his brother, Ichirou, for being a liability. That could have been you,” Kevin jabbed a finger in Neil’s chest, “except you cut a deal with the Lord that as long as you continue making money for the Family, he’ll let you live.”

Neil blinked at Kevin, absolutely dumbfounded as he tried to repeat the words in his head and make sense of them. Neil had briefly seen an article regarding Riko’s death, but it claimed he’d taken his own life after losing to the Foxes and breaking his arm. Neil didn’t know what this had to do with him. Kevin ground his teeth in exasperation when Neil stayed quiet, taking Neil’s shocked confusion for stubbornness.

“The Moriyamas are a part of the Yakuza, Neil. And you were supposed to be a Raven. You were supposed to be like Jean and me – a transaction, property. When you ran, you skimmed the Moriyamas a lot of money.”

“The money was my father’s –” Neil started to protest.

“– And who do you think your father worked for? He was the Moriyamas’ dog,” Kevin cut him off, his voice dipping lower.

“No.” Neil shook his head. “That’s not possible.” The thought that someone could have put a leash on the Butcher of Baltimore was inconceivable; more, it was terrifying. No one told Nathan Wesninski what to do.

“It is possible, and if you don’t start playing like you mean it, Ichirou will dispose of you,” Kevin warned, finally straightening up out of Neil’s space.

Neil tried to wrap his head around all the information Kevin had dumped on him out of nowhere, but it was too much all at once. Kevin left him there to mull it over by himself.

Neil felt the familiar panic creep into his veins and he itched to ditch his name and contacts on the side of the road and leave the country for good. There was an axe hanging over his exposed neck the entire time, and someone had just now told him about it. Neil had no control whatsoever; the only thing he could do was disappear.

But it wasn’t that simple anymore. Neil thought of the countless articles about him that featured his face. He thought he might throw up.

A door slamming startled Neil and pushed him to move. The rest of the Foxes aside from Kevin and Andrew had already left to go back to the dorms, so Neil took his clothes to the shower to get washed up.

Steam rose up around him and hot water pounded at his body until he couldn’t feel it anymore, but Neil barely noticed. The thoughts swirling around in his head only made it hurt more, but they were not any clearer by the time he had turned off the shower and used the towel to dry himself off.

He was in way over his head.

Kevin and Andrew were still waiting for him when Neil got out, but he had nothing to say to either of them. Luckily, or not, Wymack called Neil into his office to talk.

Wymack sat behind a desk that was piled high with mountains of files and paperwork. He pointed at a seat for Neil to sit in on the other side of the desk. Neil moved a crate off and sat it on the floor by his feet, grateful that there was a barrier between him and the older man. Wymack made Neil wary, but there was nothing either of them could do about that. When he looked up, Wymack had already fixed a pointed stare on him.

“Kevin told you about the Moriyama mess,” he said, not really a question.

Neil nodded.

“Good. So, you know that you have to be careful with what you say, and how you do things. That means no more antagonizing psychopaths,” Wymack said. Neil stared down at one of the empty coffee mugs pushed off to the side and looked anywhere but at Wymack. He didn’t think he was antagonizing any psychopaths. Unless Jack counted as a psychopath. “You are a Fox and a damn good player. I know you’ll get through this. You’ve only been out of the hospital for a little more than a week, you have time.”

Neil shrugged. When Wymack waited stayed quiet and waited for him to talk, he muttered, “You should have thrown my file away before you even looked at it, Coach.”

Wymack snorted. “Why, so you could get yourself into trouble all by yourself? Fat chance.”

“But I –”

“No. You brought a lot of shit to this team, Neil, but you wouldn’t be a Fox if you didn’t. This team is about –”

“Second chances,” Neil finished, feeling a jolt as he recognized the words. He looked up and met Wymack’s eyes. “I remember.”

Wymack paused before nodding slowly. “You’ve come a long way. This won’t be the end. Now get out of my office. You brats are giving me a migraine.”

Neil left as quickly as he could. When the door closed behind him, he let out a breath of relief. He still felt unsettled, but more of his past was being revealed to him. It was terrifying and disconcerting; sometimes Neil cursed himself and wished he had never signed with the Foxes and gotten himself into this mess, and sometimes he just wished he could remember doing it.

“Great, we’re leaving now. We have to walk because you assholes take forever,” Andrew said, already turning to the door. Kevin shot one last look at Neil before he followed.

Neil wasn’t sure if anything would ever really be okay again; if it even had been in the first place. But, he thought as hope began to curl in his chest, he could live with this.

Chapter Text

The goal lit up red behind Andrew and Neil couldn’t help but bare his teeth in savage triumph. No one could see his sharp smile behind his mouth guard, so Neil didn’t bother smothering it down. That didn’t stop Andrew from hitting the ball all the way down the court and making him run for it, however.

Neil couldn’t bring himself to care. That was the third time he’d scored on Andrew this practice, and while Neil could feel every muscle burning in his body from overexertion, nothing could stop the thrum of victory from drumming through his veins. It didn’t matter that it’d been two weeks and Neil could barely remember a thing, or that he still felt like he was fighting with himself every step of the way. Finally, finally, Neil could feel himself improving. Nothing else mattered.

Matt clacked his stick against Neil’s when he passed, despite him being on the other team for the scrimmage. When he made it to half-line he tapped the butt of his racquet on the floor once before twisting it in his hand to get ready for Allison to serve.

Neil didn’t score on Andrew again, but Neil couldn’t even be mad because at least Andrew was playing. The last couple practices he would often sit on the floor in the goalie box or would barely lift his racquet to block any shots until Wymack took him off the court and put in the freshman goalie. He was even still refusing to practice with Neil and Kevin at night. It frustrated Neil to no end. Andrew had true talent, and he refused to use it. It made Neil want to scream, and it made Kevin actually scream.

Another ball rebounded back at Neil from where Andrew smacked it away but Dan snagged it with her racquet and passed to Robin before Neil could get to it. Neil zig-zagged through Aaron and Matt and raced after Robin, but she’d already passed it to Kevin. Kevin caught the ball in his racquet and in one effortless shot, he swung his racquet and the ball slammed into the corner of the goal, making it light up red. Renee didn’t hesitate to catch the ball on the rebound and throw it to Allison.

Before Allison could pass to Jack, Wymack banged on the Plexiglas with his fist and signaled to Dan to call the practice to an end.

Neil ripped off his gloves and undid the clasps on his helmet so he could stuff his gloves in them when he took it off. The bandana holding his hair out of his face was askew and drenched in sweat so Neil slid it off his head and combed through his damp hair with his fingers. His muscles ached from pushing himself so much, but it was a good kind of ache that left Neil feeling breathless.

A brush against Neil’s side startled him enough to nearly drop his helmet, but it was only Andrew walking past to get to the locker room. Andrew was working methodically to take off his gloves and helmet, but he spared a glance back at Neil as he passed.

Wymack stopped the Foxes in the foyer before he let them shower. He flipped through the pages on his clipboard, too quickly to really be looking at anything. Neil was the last one in so he stood near the back since the couches were full.

“Great practice today, Foxes. Nicky, you’re still leaving your left side too unattended, Kevin was able to get passed you more than five times without difficulty. That’s five times too many. And Jack, you need to actually pass the ball. You’re on a team, and we’ll get nowhere if we all just play for ourselves. Andrew, it was nice to see you actually practicing for once. For a while, I thought you must have forgotten you were on an honest to god Exy court and not at some beach-side resort getting a facial. And everyone else,” Wymack paused and motioned with his clipboard around the room. “Good work today. Keep it up, we have a game on Friday against Belmonte. Now, get your stinky asses out of my foyer and go wash up before I kick you out to the curb.”

After Wymack was done talking, the Foxes dispersed and headed to their respective locker rooms. Neil still didn’t like to shower with everyone else, even with the separate stalls, but Andrew always waited for him and Kevin to be done anyway. The car-repair place still hadn’t called Andrew back about the Maserati – Neil was starting to give it up as a lost cause at this point – but Andrew had picked up a rental car the day before so they didn’t need to get a ride from Matt anymore.

Instead of getting his things and heading to the showers, Neil busied himself with going through his locker and picking out any clothes that were in desperate need of being washed, which was basically everything that could be put in the washer.

By the time he was done, the showers had cleared out and Neil could take his shower without having to be anxious about anyone catching a glimpse of his scars. He didn’t know if the Foxes already knew about them, but either way, he still didn’t want them up for show. After he was done scrubbing the sweat from practice away, Neil pulled his clothes on and ignored the way the damp air made them cling uncomfortably to his body.

Andrew was waiting for Neil to get out of the showers in the foyer. He was faced away from Neil and was looking at something on his phone so all that Neil could see of him was his profile. Andrew’s hair was still wet from the shower and small droplets of water dripped onto his black t-shirt, which stretched across his back and shoulders when he moved. He didn’t acknowledge Neil when he approached him. Instead, he turned around and left the locker room without checking to see if Neil followed behind.

“Hey, is Andrew here? He’s not answering his phone,” Nicky said, poking his head through the door when Neil opened it for him.

Neil shrugged but Kevin snorted and said, “Maybe Neil’s phone allergy is rubbing off on him. He left with Renee about two hours ago, he’s probably still with her.”

Nicky shook his head. “No, she’s been back for half an hour already. I asked her and she said she doesn’t know where he is. They came back together but then Andrew left again without telling anyone.” Nicky frowned and then turned to Neil. “Do you know where Andrew is?”

“Why would I know where he is?” Neil asked.

“I, well, you’re kind of –”

“Nicky,” Kevin warned, looking up from his laptop. Neil looked between the two, from Nicky’s worried expression to Kevin’s steely one. Obviously, he was missing something.

“I guess I could call him or something,” Neil said to break the tense silence. If Andrew wasn’t answering his cousin he probably wouldn’t answer Neil but it was worth a shot.

Nicky nodded and chewed on his lip. Neil didn’t know why he was so worried, Andrew hadn’t been gone for very long. Neil fetched his phone from his bedroom anyway and flipped it open, looking for Andrew’s number. Surprisingly, he was the first number on speed dial. Neil wondered about that for a second and then pressed call. Almost immediately, the call ended. Neil presented his screen to Nicky and was met with a frown.

“Why are you so worried about him?” Neil asked. Nicky looked startled at Neil’s question, then nervous.

He worried his lip for a long minute before he said, “Between you and me, I don’t think Andrew’s been doing too well lately.”

“Oh, like in Exy practice? Is Coach mad at him or something?” Neil asked, to which Nicky groaned.

“Not everything is about Exy, Neil!” Nicky said, exasperated. “There’s more things to life than a sport.”

Not to Neil, there wasn’t. Neil opened his mouth to argue but Nicky cut him off before he could.

“Andrew’s just been doing worse than usual lately – and not with Exy. I’m just worried how he’s doing with, well, you know.” Nicky motioned towards Neil, but Neil didn’t understand at all. “He’s still going to his appointments with Bee, though, so maybe she’ll be able to help him better.”

Neil frowned at the unfamiliar name. “Bee?”

“Betsy Dobson. She’s the team’s official psychologist and Andrew’s therapist. She’s a miracle worker, that lady.” Nicky’s brow furrowed. “Andrew actually talks to her about stuff. Last year she started fixing things between Aaron and Andrew.”

Neil didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t like psychologists; they were uncomfortably nosy and asked too many questions. They were like doctors, but worse because they picked people’s brains and lies apart.

Nicky looked thoughtful for a moment. “I didn’t think Andrew would keep seeing her after he got sober, but I never did know what Andrew would do, I guess. She really does help him, I think. Thank god too, when he came back from rehab last year…” Nicky shook his head, his lips pressed into a thin line.

“Right,” Neil said, not at all sure of what else to say. Luckily Kevin cut into Nicky’s distracted ramble.

“Coach just texted me. He said Andrew’s staying at his apartment for the night.”

Nicky nodded in thanks. “Just wanted to make sure he wasn’t dead in a ditch or something,” he laughed weakly although it wasn’t very funny. With that, he waved and left Neil and Kevin alone in the dorm again.

Neil didn’t like psychologists, and he thought Andrew wouldn’t either, but apparently, Neil was wrong. He didn’t know Andrew had a therapist, or why he even needed one. And why he needed joint therapy with his brother was beyond Neil. He’d noticed that the twins didn’t really talk though – they didn’t even live in the same dorm.

Neil went through every interaction he had with Andrew over the past couple of weeks, which wasn’t a lot. Nothing in Andrew’s behavior seemed to mean that there was anything wrong with him. Neil had thought his blunt, deadpan nature was just that – nature. Andrew rarely spoke to anyone except Renee.

Maybe Neil could ask Andrew about it later, but Andrew didn’t stick around in the same room as Neil for very long. He didn’t seem to like Neil very much, so maybe Neil couldn’t even ask.

Something odd itched at the back of Neil’s mind, but before he could scratch at it, Kevin caught his attention and told him to get ready to go to the court, Matt was going to give them a ride for night practice since Andrew was gone.

The next morning, Matt volunteered to drive Neil to the hospital and wait while Neil had his stitches removed and suffered through several more head scans and tests. Neil told him that he didn’t need to stay, that Neil could just call him when he was done, but Matt waved him off as he said it was no problem, he didn’t have class until three which left them plenty of time.

Neil didn’t understand why the Foxes seemed to care about him so much since he didn’t do a lot for them. He didn’t know what he was to the Foxes before the accident. Maybe he was better. Maybe they were hoping he’d get his memory back and go back to being the Neil he was before.

But what if he never did?

Even if he did get his memory back, that didn’t mean Neil was going to go back to normal. What if they decided to throw him out if he couldn’t live up to their standards? Neil’s hands tightened into fists by his sides, crumbling the paper covering the hospital bed beneath them.

Before he could fall into the existential hole and drown in it, the doctor popped back into the room with the results of the last test in her hand. Neil eyed her anxiously and almost wished he didn’t make Matt wait in the hallway.

“There’s good news and bad news,” the doctor opened perfunctorily. Neil’s stomach clenched.

“The good news is that your head is healing nicely. There’s no sign of infection and the breaks are mending together without a lot of help needed. That being said,” she paused here, the hole under Neil’s feet widened. “Your memory seems to be coming back more slowly than we hoped. This isn’t a huge problem, sometimes memory comes back slower than usual. However, you should continue keeping an eye on it and if you still have trouble remembering, or even if you start to lose more recent memories before the accident, I want you back in my office right away.”

Neil’s breath broke past his lips. He couldn’t tell if it was relief or if he was preparing himself for a future disaster. It could have been both.

After the doctor was done and Neil agreed to his next appointment, Neil left the office and relayed what the doctor said to Matt.

“That’s good, right?” Matt said, slinging his arm over Neil’s shoulders. Neil stiffened reflexively, and then made himself relax again. If Matt noticed, he didn’t mention it. “It sounds like you’re going to be okay, Neil.”

Neil nodded, but he wasn’t convinced.

After that, Matt drove them back to Fox Tower. Neither Kevin or Andrew were in the room when Neil got there, so Neil decided to make the most of his time alone.

The game with Belmonte was tomorrow and Neil would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. He was getting better in practice every day, but that didn’t mean he was ready to play against other collegiate athletes in front of thousands of people. Kevin’s warning about Ichirou Moriyama still dangled over Neil’s exposed neck like the blade of a guillotine. Kevin made it clear: any wrong move and Neil could lose his head.

When Neil wasn’t in class or at practice, he was neglecting his history homework and going through all the texts on his phone to try and piece himself back together. Most of the texts were from Matt or Nicky, several from Dan, Kevin and Allison, only a few from Renee and Wymack, and the least from Andrew and Aaron.

A lot of the conversations were one-sided as Neil hadn’t bothered responding to most of them. Almost all of Kevin’s texts were about Exy or yelling at Neil in some way or the other, so Neil gave up halfway through scrolling and clicked on Andrew’s name. There weren’t a lot of texts from Andrew – more calls, Neil noticed – but it was his texts that Neil almost always responded to. It was perplexing, considering most of the messages were three words or less.

It didn’t take long to get to the end of the thread, so Neil put his phone away when he was done. His head hurt from so many past conversations, none of which really made any sense. It was hard to string together his past when all Neil had to go on was minimal conversation. He was unsure if it would make sense even if he had context. His train of thought kept looping back to Andrew.

Neil knew that he could easily ask someone, any one of the Foxes, to help fill him in, but he didn’t want anyone telling him about his life. He wanted to remember it himself. He wanted it to be real, not some vague fabrication woven together by the others’ stories of him. He wanted this life that he built to be real.

He could do his homework while it was quiet in the dorm, but Neil really didn’t want to. He’d tried more than once to go over his notes and apply it to the essay he was supposed to write, but none of it made sense and Neil didn’t really care. He’d much rather take a nap.

Deciding that that was a good idea, Neil shoved his textbooks to the side and happily stacked his papers on top to be forgotten about later. Neil zipped up his backpack and kicked it under the desk where it would stay with the failed history essays and Neil’s hopes and dreams of passing his classes in order to continue playing Exy.

Before Neil could lay down for his nap, the front door opened and allowed Kevin, looking stressed and tired. He collapsed on the couch as soon as he was within falling distance of it. At the same time as Kevin’s entrance, Neil’s phone rang.

Frowning at the unfamiliar number on the screen, Neil clicked answer and put it to his ear. It could have been one of the freshmen. “Hello?” he said hesitantly.

“Nathaniel. I’ve been meaning to get in touch with you.”

The name caused Neil to shiver more than the cool tone of the man’s voice who said it. He swallowed and waited for the other man to keep talking.

“I heard about the car accident. How unfortunate, with your head and all. I should hope that it won’t interfere with my investment.”

Ichirou. Neil hadn’t known Ichirou would call him, or even that he knew about the accident at all. His words were measured, his voice even. He was a cat playing with its food, knowing exactly the time to show his claws to make someone afraid.

“Lord Moriyama,” Neil said cordially after several deep breaths to make sure his voice sounded even. Kevin suddenly looked much more awake than he did thirty seconds ago. He made a desperate swipe for Neil’s shoulder, which Neil evaded. “So nice of you to call. It will not – has not – interfered. I can still play and be an asset to you.”

“I should hope so, Nathaniel,” Ichirou repeated. “It would be such a shame to lose you so early on in the game. I expect your win tomorrow night and nothing else. I have absolutely no use for incompetence, and even less so for a liability like yourself.” Neil could hear the hidden threat in his voice like the rattle of a snake revealing itself in the grass. With that, the line went dead and Neil let out a shuddering breath that was eclipsed by the choked sound Kevin made.

“What did he want? Neil, is he –”

“He wants me to play my best. If we win the game against Belmonte tomorrow, I’ll remain Ichirou’s investment,” Neil said flatly despite the air seizing in his lungs. He fixed his stare on the wall behind Kevin’s head so he didn’t have to look directly at him, but he could still see Kevin’s pale and panicked face in the corner of his eye. If the Foxes didn’t win their game tomorrow, Neil wouldn’t just be losing the game, he’d be losing his life. Ichirou made that clear.

“Neil, we have to win. If we don’t win then Ichirou will –”

“I know, Kevin,” Neil snapped, his eyes flicking to Kevin’s. He knew his head was on the chopping block and he didn’t need Kevin reminding him every five minutes. He looked scared, though. Neil didn’t understand why, since Kevin wasn’t the one who’s life depended on how well he played in a game.

“We’ll win,” Andrew said from the doorway, causing both Kevin and Neil to jump. Neither of them had heard Andrew enter. Andrew crossed his arms across his chest and met Neil’s eyes for the first time in what seemed like days. “Ichirou won’t touch you. I won’t let him.”

Chapter Text

The Foxes have their first game of the winter season today, and Neil thought he might throw up. He used to never be one to get so nervous before a game where the thought of playing made his head spin, and not in a good way, but Neil supposed he was under very different circumstances. Not only was he basically joining in the middle of the Exy season with a large setback in the form of a new scar on his head, but Ichirou would be watching his every move.

Neil was playing for his right to live.

Neil could hardly focus throughout both his classes that morning. He ran through plays in his head and tried to remember Kevin’s commentary about Belmonte’s past games they watched the night before instead of listening to his professor’s lecture. His hand twitched with the urge to pick up a racquet and practice until he couldn’t anymore; his legs twitched with the urge to run and never stop.

Andrew was the only one in the dorm when Neil walked back to Fox Tower after his last class for the day. Neil paused in the doorway, but Andrew barely glanced up at him from where he was sitting on the couch with a bowl of ice cream in his lap. Neil studied his face, looking for any signs of cracks, but found nothing. Andrew’s face was as blank and unbreakable as ever.

Neil thought of Nicky’s words the day before, about Andrew going to Betsy Dobson after rehab. Neil wasn’t sure, but he thought it might have triggered a memory. He didn’t know how to bring it up to Andrew, if it were even real.

Neil must have been standing in the doorway for too long because Andrew shot him a look and said, “Did your legs turn to stone? Come in and close the door.”

Neil listened and then lowered himself onto the couch on the cushion farthest away from Andrew. Some old crime movie was playing on the TV, the volume turned down almost too low to hear. Neil watched the black and white pictures play across the screen for several minutes before he felt the weight of Andrew’s gaze on the side of his face. Neil looked up but Andrew was staring at the TV and steadily eating through the ice cream.

Neil said, “You shouldn’t eat that before a game, you know.”

Without looking away from the TV, Andrew scoffed and stuffed another large spoonful into his mouth. Chocolate drizzled down his lip but Andrew caught it with his tongue before it could drip onto his shirt. “Maybe I’ll eat another bowl or two just to make Kevin mad.”

Neil snorted, feeling the atmosphere in the room lighten. “Kevin would have a fit. He’d probably steal all the ice cream in the middle of the night and throw it out.”

Andrew’s eyes flickered to Neil’s so quickly he almost missed it. “Guess I’d have to go get more then.”

Neil stayed quiet for a moment, thinking. He didn’t know how to approach the topic. Instead, he decided to go with a different approach. “Hey, didn’t we used to play an honesty game?”

Andrew’s head shot up, the movie and chocolate ice cream completely forgotten. “Yes,” he confirmed, his eyes boring into Neil’s.

“I couldn’t tell if that was something that actually happened or not. Everything’s so muddled, I can’t tell what’s real,” Neil said quietly. Sometimes he’d get flashes of memories here and there, but nothing more than a tiny glimpse, nothing substantial. They were more sensations than actual memories. It was almost more frustrating than not remembering anything at all.

Andrew dragged his gaze from Neil’s face and glared down at the bowl. He pushed the melting ice cream around with his spoon and asked, “Do you remember anything else?”

Neil paused. He thought he might have remembered Easthaven, might have remembered a bit of his stay at Evermore, but he didn’t want it to be real. As soon as Andrew asked if he remembered anything else, Neil wasn’t sure he could answer, even if he started this conversation looking for an answer of his own.

Neil shook his head.

Andrew wasn’t looking at him, but he must have seen Neil from the corner of his eye because his jaw tightened and he pushed up to his feet to take his unfinished bowl of ice cream to the kitchen. He rinsed the bowl with water and left it in the sink. Before he could retreat into the bedroom, Neil put his arm out enough to get his attention but not enough to touch him.

“Why did you say you wouldn’t let Ichirou touch me?” Neil asked, lowering his arm so Andrew could get by him.

Without stopping or turning around Andrew said, “Because I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it.”

The Foxes dressed out for the game and filed onto the outer court. Neil scanned the crowd for anyone who could have been Ichirou Moriyama, but the bleachers were so packed that Neil could barely pick out anyone, let alone one man.

Wymack gave a quick rundown of the other team and an even quicker pep talk before he released them onto the court to warm up and run laps. Dan clapped Neil on the shoulder as she ran past and gently bumped his hip with her own. Neil was reminded of the picture of the Foxes after they won the championship last year, Dan’s arm around him and her triumphant grin. He closed his eyes and imagined the noise of the audience filling into the stadium was a thousand people cheering for the Foxes.

Neil didn’t play until second quarter. Instead, Jack was starting striker with Kevin. Neil tried not to feel slighted, he knew Wymack wanted to secure a large point gap early on in the game and Neil was still behind in skill from where he used to be, but it was hard. The only comfort Neil took was that he was also playing last quarter.

“Are you alright, Neil?” someone asked. Neil opened his eyes to find Robin watching him while she stretched.

“I’m fine,” he said. Although Robin didn’t look too convinced, she smiled at him and let him be.

One of the referees blew a long note with their whistle, signaling for the teams to line up on starting line. Neil followed the rest of his team off the court and waited for the Belmonte dealer to start the game.

The game started off violent as soon as the ball was in the air. Neither team was willing to let the other get ahead, not even for a second. Players crashed into Plexiglas walls and other players.

On the side lines, Neil could see how furiously the teams fought each other. After only sixteen minutes, a Belmonte striker crashed into Aaron and Aaron was forced to call a stop to the game to be subbed out. Wymack sent out Nicky in his place, but the hit so early in the game took a toll on the Foxes. Neil thought that if Andrew wasn’t in goal for the first half, the Foxes would have fallen behind and it would have been near impossible to save the point gap.

When it was Neil’s turn to step onto the court with a racquet in his hand, he thought he might crumble from the nerves. He wasn’t sure if he was even ready to play again. While his head wasn’t hurting as bad he didn’t want his injury to drag the Foxes down. He didn’t have a choice, though; it was this or running again, which wasn’t much of a choice at all.

All of his thoughts stopped when the ball was served and Neil raced down the court after it. Neil’s entire world was inside the scuffed Plexiglas walls; nothing else existed beyond that, nothing else mattered. His world had shrunk and the only reason he had to run was to score.

Two yellow cards, four red marks sure to bruise, and seven points for the Foxes later the game ended, Foxes’ favor. Neil let out a breath, glad the game was over and relieved that they’d won. His body hurt and he was still pissed that his Belmonte backliner didn’t get carded for that obvious illegal check in the last quarter, but there was nothing Neil could do about it now except nurse his sore shoulder.

The match didn’t go as smoothly as anyone hoped. The fast-paced game ran the Foxes ragged and Belmonte’s offence was fierce and kept the Foxes’ defense on their toes. Nicky looked about ready to collapse and was held up by one of the freshmen backliner’s steadying hand on his shoulder. It was hard to feel happy with their win when the Foxes only won by one point, but it was better than a loss. If it weren’t for the three goals Kevin bagged, the Foxes would have lost and Neil might have been a goner within the next twenty-four hours.

Neil was just happy he’d scored two of the other goals. Hopefully, Ichirou would still see him as a worthy investment. Right now, Neil didn’t want to think of that, he wanted to shower and go back to the dorm. His head was pounding, it felt like there was an Exy ball rebounding in his skull.

Wymack sent Dan and Kevin to intercept the group of reporters on their way to approach Neil, so Neil ducked in between Matt and Allison to avoid them. He didn’t want to talk to the press, especially not when he had just gotten the stitches out the day before, not when the newly-healed gash on his forehead still looked pink and fresh for the world to see.

He knew what they were going to say, and he didn’t want to listen to it.

He didn’t even care to wait for everyone to shower first for once. He took his clothes into the stall with him and got washed as quickly as possible. Jack tried to give him shit for it, but Neil simply flipped him off and locked the stall door behind him.

Back at Fox Tower, Nicky and Aaron followed Neil, Andrew, and Kevin into their dorm. Aaron plopped down on the couch and caught the icepack Andrew chucked at him to put on his twisted ankle.

“Are we going to Columbia tonight?” Nicky asked.

Andrew shook his head. “Car repair called, I’m picking up the Maserati in a couple hours.”

“It’s fixed?” Nicky looked delighted at this new information.

“No, I was just tired of waiting for them,” Andrew said, completely deadpan despite his sarcastic words.

“Ugh. Whatever.” Nicky rolled his eyes, but his lips twitched with a restrained smile.

Nicky went back to their dorm to fetch the Xbox and set it up so he, Aaron, and Andrew could play some violent zombie game on it. Nicky offered Neil the last controller, but Neil declined. He still needed to do his history essay so he left them to it and went to the bedroom where it was quieter.

Objectively, Neil knew that he needed to actually pick up his pencil and use it to write on the paper rather than just stare at it, but it was the hardest thing Neil had to do all night, and that was after playing that game with Belmonte. It was impossible to concentrate on his homework when all he could think about was whether Ichirou would let him live and how Neil had no choice in the matter.

After some more staring at his blank piece of paper, the door to the bedroom opened and Kevin poked his head in. “Nicky says the offer to play with them is still on the table, but I think he’s just tired of me dying all the time and ruining their game,” he said.

“No thanks. I need to do my history paper.”

Kevin peered down at Neil’s open notebook and frowned. “You didn’t take a lot of notes. Is your essay on the domestic political and economic effects of the Robber Barons during the Gilded Age? I remember doing that last year. Rockefeller, what an ass.”

Kevin’s voice was odd, he sounded like he actually enjoyed the topic. Neil eyed him warily.

“When’s this due?” Kevin asked, flipping through the pages of the history textbook.

“Monday,” Neil said balefully. Kevin’s hand stopped mid-air, his fingers frozen between turning the page.

“Monday,” Kevin repeated, his face twisting into a scowl. He pushed at Neil’s shoulder, nearly sending him sprawling out of his chair. “Scoot.”

Kevin was just as overbearing and demanding in history as he was in Exy, but they worked for an hour and a half until Neil had a decent rough draft for his essay. Kevin shut the textbook afterward and shoved Neil’s head forward, warning him not to get so far behind again. Neil was quietly grateful for the help, but he’d never admit it.

Neil thought that Kevin might bring up the game or Ichirou, but he didn’t. There was nothing to talk about until Ichirou made his decision. Neil hoped Ichirou would call him with the verdict. He thought it might be kind of shitty to find out whether he lived or died by a gun being put to his head without warning.

After Neil was done stuffing his essay in his backpack and Kevin started on his own homework, Andrew informed them that the Maserati was ready to be picked up. Kevin elected to stay at the dorm, but Neil saw his chance. He hadn’t been alone with Andrew since before the game, and he still wanted to ask about his potential memory. When Neil followed Andrew out the door, Andrew didn’t even question it.

The ride to the car repair place was short but quiet. Neil didn’t know how to bring it up, it wasn’t really something he could just bring up. But Neil remembered his and Andrew’s honesty game and debated asking if they could play it again, though he didn’t think Andrew would lie to him even if they weren’t bound by the rules of the game.

Neil stayed in the rental car while Andrew talked to the car repair guy and got the keys to the Maserati. Neil left the rental and followed Andrew to the Maserati when Andrew came back and told him to get out.

He startled when Andrew got close enough for Neil to see the key clutched in his hand; it matched the one on Neil’s keychain. Since the rest of the keys he had were to the dorm, the court, and the Maserati, that left one last key that Neil didn’t know the purpose of.

Andrew unlocked the doors and they both got into the car. The ride back to Fox Tower was equally as quiet, but for an entirely different reason. Although Neil didn’t remember it, the last time they had been in this car was right before the accident.

Neil knew that he was unconscious for six days afterwards; that the driver who hit them died in the crash. He knew that the healing gash on his forehead was from cracking his head against the passenger-side window so hard he was knocked out, that he suffered from bleeding inside his skull because of it.

He knew this, but he didn’t remember it. They were things Andrew or the doctor had told him.

Neil couldn’t find it in him to talk the entire ride home. Andrew turned up the radio loud enough to hear, but quiet enough that it didn’t hurt Neil’s head. When Andrew parked, he hopped out and locked the car after Neil. They went up to the third floor but Andrew didn’t stop at their room. He skipped right past it to the staircase down the hall. Neil hesitated, watching him jiggle the doorknob and manhandle the roof access door open before he decided to follow him.

It was cold outside in the middle of January, but Neil didn’t know why it seemed colder on the roof than it did in the parking lot below. Andrew already had a cigarette lit and extended towards Neil, even though he didn’t look behind him to see if Neil had followed or not. Neil grabbed it, careful to not to let his fingers brush against Andrew’s. Andrew lit another for himself and took a long drag.

Andrew was sitting with one leg pulled up to his chest and the other dangling precariously off the side. Neil didn’t want to get too close to the edge, but he wanted to talk to Andrew so he sat cross-legged a safe few feet away. They stayed quiet for a couple minutes; Neil listening to the wind and inhaling cigarette smoke before it was whisked away, and Andrew steadily smoking through his. Despite his calm facade, Andrew’s body was tense and his hand was turning white from how hard he gripped his leg.

“You’re afraid of heights,” Neil said. He couldn’t tell if it was a memory or just Andrew’s body language that tipped him off.

Andrew looked at him for a long time, neither smoking his cigarette or letting it die. When Neil thought Andrew was going to ignore that, Andrew stuck the cigarette between his lips and said, “Yes.”

“I remember going to Evermore,” Neil blurted out, deciding it was better to dive right into it rather than beat around the bush. Anyway, it was a truth for a truth. Neil might have thought Andrew didn’t hear him over the wind if it weren’t for the way his fingers tightened around the cigarette when he lowered it from his mouth. “I remember that November with Nicky’s parents. What happened with –”

Neil couldn’t make himself say it. Something dark flickered in Andrew’s eyes, there and then gone again.

“Funny how you remember that and nothing else,” Andrew said, although it really wasn’t. “What triggered it?”

Neil shrugged, eyeing where Andrew’s armbands were underneath his jacket. “I thought they were nightmares. I needed to know if they were real.”

“They’re real.”

“Okay,” Neil whispered, almost wishing Andrew had told him it wasn’t a memory at all, that it was the nightmare Neil wished it was. It was so unfair, all of it. Neil wanted to remember but not – that. Andrew couldn’t forget. The injustice of it threatened to overwhelm Neil and devour him whole. He swallowed several times, whether to get rid of the lump in his throat or the bad taste in his mouth, Neil couldn’t decide. He’d gotten his answer, though, and that’s what he came up here for.

Andrew stabbed his cigarette onto the concrete and threw the butt off the roof. Neil watched it fall to the silent street below, neither of them saying anything else until they went back inside.

Chapter Text

Neil woke up glad it was a Saturday because he didn’t want to leave his bed at all today. He even neglected his morning run. Instead, he rolled over and pulled the blankets over his head to block out the light streaming in through the window. If Neil thought about it too hard he might pack his things in his duffel and get on the first train out of the city until he was far away from everyone else. It was safer if he stayed in bed.

The nineteenth of January had never been a good day, after all.

He’d had woken up that morning feeling weighed down, like the air around him was about a thousand pounds heavier than it was supposed to be. There was a sickly feeling seeping into his chest and spreading throughout every inch of his body underneath his skin, making his scars ache in phantom pain. His dreams were filled with blood and terror. Every time he closed his eyes, it replayed behind his eyelids.

The ugliness inside of him was brought about by nineteen – twenty – years of fighting for his life. If Neil wanted to stay in bed today, he figured he earned the right to do so.

The day had already taken a toll on Neil, but his exhaustion was useful for once. If he weren’t so burnt out, Neil was afraid he’d get up from under the pile of blankets and slip away while no one was looking, ensuring that everyone who ever knew Neil Josten would never see or hear from him ever again.

A muffled ding underneath Neil’s pillow prompted him to reach for his phone to see who texted him. He thought it might have been Kevin telling him to get his ass out of bed, but it was Allison telling him to get his ass out of bed. Neil clicked out of the message and stuck his phone back underneath his pillow without responding.

After a few minutes, loud knocking on the door of the dorm room startled Neil, but not enough to make him pick his head up from the pillow. Kevin must have let whomever it was in because Neil could hear the unmistakably furious thumping of footsteps, muffled against the carpet. The door to the bedroom opened and Allison’s perfectly made-up face glared down at him.

Neil turned his head into the pillow to avoid looking at her, simultaneously hiding the scars on his face away from view. He bit back a go away because he wasn’t really sure if he wanted to be alone. If he even should be alone.

“Neil Josten, you seriously aren’t still in bed after I told you to be ready five minutes ago,” Allison said, not bothering to disguise her ire. “Get up, we’re going shopping.”

“I don’t want to go shopping,” Neil mumbled into the pillow.

“Too bad, we haven’t gone for a long time so you’re going to suck it up and go to the mall with me.” A pair of jeans and a t-shirt were flung in Neil’s direction. Neil peeked out from under them to glower up at Allison, but her glare was more effective. “Come on, pretty boy, we haven’t got all afternoon.”

The jeans Allison picked out for him were the ones Neil had glanced at in his drawer and decided to leave there to collect dust. They were skinnier and darker than the washed-out pants he usually wore, but Allison was taking none of that. She threatened to manhandle Neil into them if she had to. Neil wondered where Andrew and Kevin went and cursed them for letting him deal with this alone.

After Neil was dressed, he went to the bathroom to brush his hair and teeth. Allison sidled up behind him and scrutinized their reflections in the mirror while Neil bent and spat toothpaste in the sink. When he straightened, she ran her fingers through his hair and hummed in thought. “You need another haircut.”

“My hair is fine,” Neil grumbled, refusing to look in the mirror.

Gasping theatrically, Allison covered her mouth with her hand. “It is not and don’t ever say that again.”

Neil frowned. He didn’t know why Allison was pushing him so hard today. He couldn’t tell if it was helping his already foul mood or just making it worse.

“Don’t frown so much, Josten,” Allison said airily. “It’ll give you wrinkles. Now move it and get in the damn car.”

Allison dragged them to the mall in her bubblegum pink Porsche and spent several hours combing through stores while Neil trailed after her. If he thought he could hide away and let Allison do all the work, he was dead wrong because Allison made him try on the different clothes she picked out for him. She even urged him to pick out some clothes by himself, although Neil tended to stray to the grays and muted colors which Allison hardly approved of.

Neil didn’t particularly enjoy it, but it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Allison didn’t make him get any of the clothes that he said made him feel uncomfortable, and she never picked out anything that would reveal too many of his scars. Neil appreciated that.

“I have my own money, you know,” Neil pointed out when they took a break for lunch at the food court. Allison never hesitated to pull out her card and swipe it before Neil could pay for his own clothes. He stabbed at a strawberry from his fruit bowl and stuffed it in his mouth. “You don’t need to pay for everything.”

“And I’m, what, supposed to let you pay? On your birthday? Really?” Allison said. She raised an incredulous eyebrow and pointed her fork loaded with the last bite of her Caesar salad at Neil.

Everything suddenly clicked into place. There was a reason Allison picked this day of all days to take him shopping and keep him busy. It made sense why the rest of the Foxes flooded his inbox with messages asking how he was doing or if he needed anything. It was not a coincidence at all. The Foxes knew that, left to his own devices, Neil might revert back to his old runner self.

Neil’s eyes dropped to the fruit before he pushed the bowl away, his appetite leaving him. “I didn’t want anything for my birthday.”

Allison watched him for a minute, mopping salad dressing with a piece of bread until her plate was clean. “Don’t think of it as a birthday present then. Think of it as you doing me a favor for going shopping with me. Besides, a haircut would be a justice to everyone.”

Neil didn’t say anything to that, but he could feel the tension leaving his body. Still, he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Can we change the subject?”

Taking that in stride, Allison grinned mischievously and laced her manicured fingers together. Neil had the distinct impression that he was about to be grilled for information. He was right.

“Spending any time alone with the Monster lately?” she asked, her voice suspiciously innocent. Something uncomfortable swirled in Neil’s stomach and it wasn’t the fruit.

“I guess. Sometimes while Kevin’s away in class, Andrew will watch TV when I’m doing my homework in the living room.” He didn’t say anything about going to the roof with Andrew last night. For some reason, that felt private.

Allison gave him an unimpressed look and urged, “No, I mean alone time. As in, just you and him, no one else around. Together.”

Neil just stared at her, confusion evident on his face. Maybe she knew about him and Andrew on the roof and wanted him to admit it. Allison rolled her eyes.

“Are you kidding me, Josten? Do you guys even talk?”

“Well, yeah. I talk to all the Foxes,” Neil said, feeling the need to defend himself.

“Oh my god.” Allison shook her head with a put-upon sigh. “Renee said to leave it alone and let you two figure it out on your own, but this is getting ridiculous.”

“Allison, I don’t know what you mean,” Neil said testily. He didn’t understand why everyone seemed to tiptoe around the topic of Andrew with him. If someone would just tell him, it would be so much easier. “What does Renee want you to leave alone?”

“Sometimes you are such an idiot, Neil,” Allison scoffed instead of answering. Neil suddenly felt a lot angrier than he did a few minutes before. He tried to force the flare of his temper down before it could burn anyone but didn’t quite succeed. Today was not the day for this.

“Sorry that I can’t fucking remember anything! Sorry I don’t know what the fuck anyone’s talking about, guess that’s my bad!” Neil snapped, shoving his chair back to let himself up. The force of Neil standing up made the chair skid into the table behind him and clatter to the ground with a loud crash. His chest felt hot with anger and his face was surely flushed. People were staring. Neil sucked in a deep breath through his teeth to try and calm himself down and said, “Can we just go and get that stupid haircut?”

Allison pursed her lips and stood up as well. She reached for Neil but he shrugged her off. That didn’t deter her at all because she stepped around the table and reached for him again. “Talk to Andrew,” she said when she caught him, squeezing his shoulders.

Neil had been feeling more and more confused about everything lately, especially when it concerned Andrew. The Foxes being so damn cautious around him definitely didn’t help; it just made Neil feel on edge. What was he missing? Why would nobody give him a straight answer? He wasn’t made of glass, he didn’t need to be treated like he was.

Neil shrugged haphazardly, not able to bring himself to meet Allison’s eyes. Allison nodded anyway, somehow satisfied with his response.

“Now that that’s over with, let’s go get you that haircut.”

They went back to the dorm after Neil was done with the barber, armed with several bags of clothes hanging off their arms.

Allison had taken charge like a sergeant over a troop and had the barber cut the hair short around the sides but only had him trim the rest so that the top stayed longer. Neil didn’t think the haircut particularly changed anything about him like Allison said it would, but he could admit he liked the hair off of his ears.

After his explosion, Neil felt bad about letting his temper get the best of him. He knew that the Foxes meant well, but every day when Neil wasn’t making any progress other than a few odd memories, he grew more frustrated with himself. He wanted to apologize to Allison, but he didn’t know where to start. He felt like he should apologize for losing his memory in the first place, but that wasn’t Neil’s fault and Allison would shut him down faster than Andrew would a goal.

Andrew was leaving the dorm when Allison and Neil stepped out of the elevator. He looked up at their arrival and stopped when he saw Neil. Allison gently nudged Neil in the back with her elbow and disappeared in her room. Neil pointed to the roof and waited for Andrew’s nod. He wanted to talk to Andrew, but he also just wanted to be around him in general. His apathetic nature soothed over whatever remained of Neil’s earlier frustration and anger.

It wasn’t so cold up there as it was last night, but Neil was still grateful for the warm sweater he wore. It was a navy blue that fit him snugly but still gave him room to breathe. And it was soft.

Andrew offered Neil an unlit cigarette, but Neil shook his head. Andrew stuck it back in the box and put them away in his pocket without lighting one for himself. There were new bruises around Andrew’s knuckles – from sparring with Renee, Neil knew – and dark circles underneath his eyes as if he hadn’t been sleeping. Neil could relate.

They hadn’t really talked since last night when Andrew confirmed that a nightmare wasn’t so much of a nightmare after all. Andrew didn’t stick around after that conversation, and Neil couldn’t blame him. Neil worried at a string from the seam of his jeans, wishing Andrew would talk first but knowing that Andrew was waiting on him.

If Andrew told him everything that happened, Neil thought that he might start to remember it on his own. He wanted to do it by himself, but maybe he needed someone to lay the groundwork before he could rebuild the foundation of his memories. And Neil trusted Andrew.

When he looked up, Andrew was already watching him. The words died on Neil’s tongue and he needed to remind himself where he was and what he needed.

“I’m still having a hard time remembering. It’s like trying to piece everything together but not having a picture for reference. I don’t even know where to start,” Neil said, finding his tongue. Andrew waited patiently for Neil to get to the point. “I want you to tell me what happened. Give me something to work with.”

“What do you want to know?” Andrew asked, pulling the carton of cigarettes back out of his pocket and sticking one of them in his mouth. He lit it and inhaled, holding the smoke in his lungs until he let it pool out of his mouth and into the frigid air.

“Everything?” Neil gave a short, humorless laugh. He didn’t know what he wanted Andrew to tell him specifically. He wanted all of it. “From the beginning.”

Andrew quirked an eyebrow at him and took a slow drag. And another. Then he took the cigarette out of his mouth and said, “We found you in Millport, Arizona and Kevin decided that he needed you on the team, despite your inexperience.”

Neil listened to Andrew talk without saying a word. He’d already told Neil about Baltimore and his father’s subsequent death, but he didn’t mention anything before that when Neil asked for an explanation at Abby’s house. It was strange hearing about being the force that united the Foxes. It was stranger to hear that Wymack made him vice-captain and that people wanted to follow him. That they did follow him.

Occasionally, Neil would get snippets of memories, clearer than before. Memories of hanging out with the Upperclassmen and going to Fox movie nights. Or Nicky’s smiling face when Neil went to Columbia with Andrew’s lot after games. He had a home here, a family, and Neil almost lost it all. He wanted it back.

Andrew stopped after he explained how Neil met the new freshmen at the beginning of the year and immediately got into a fight with Jack and Sheena. He didn’t say a lot about himself and there were still pieces of the puzzle missing, Neil knew, but it was something. It was better than nothing.

A question had arisen in Neil’s mind, however, brought up by his morning with Allison.

“Why do you never say anything when people call you a monster?”

Neil had never understood it; why Allison would say it more than she used Andrew’s actual name or when Matt let the word slip and would throw a guilty glance Neil’s way as if he were the one Matt offended. Whenever Andrew was around, he never reacted to the name-calling. He looked through it like he did just about everything else in the world.

“I do not care what they think of me,” Andrew said.

Neil’s brow furrowed. “You’re not, though. They’re the ones refusing to see it.”

If Neil could see Andrew for what he was when he had to start back at zero, then why couldn’t the others? Andrew wasn’t the robot everyone said he was.

“There is no point in changing their minds. It is easier to be the thing everyone already thinks you are.”

Neil shook his head, watching the cherry of Andrew’s cigarette flicker in the breeze. Andrew took a drag to keep it alive. “Most people stopped trying a long time ago,” he said. Neil couldn’t tell if it was because of the cold or because of the words just uttered, but Andrew’s hand jerked upwards and dislodged a clump of ash from the cigarette. His shoulders were a tight knot of muscle and tension.

“Did I?” Neil asked. These were the pieces that Neil needed. He needed to know what Andrew was to him.

Andrew still wouldn’t look at him, he was watching the sunset dip under the horizon. The dying light illuminated the side of Andrew’s face, highlighting every jut and sharp edge. Light freckles that Neil had never noticed before dotted the bridge of his nose. He looked less pale and more like he was spun from threads of gold in this lighting.

Andrew finally met Neil’s probing gaze with a practiced blank stare of his own. He was quiet for so long Neil thought that he wouldn’t reply at all until he answered simply, “No.”

Neil held his gaze until the tension slowly bled out of Andrew’s body.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Andrew reprimanded. A memory cut through the thick fog of amnesia and Neil remembered the same rooftop, just a year ago. Neil remembered those words being said before. Don’t look at me like that.

“I’m not looking for an answer,” Neil said, rolling the words out on his tongue and carefully tasting them. It sounded like a revelation.

“Then what are you looking for?” Andrew sounded bored, but there was a glint in his eyes that told Neil he was remembering the same conversation.

Neil thought for a moment, searching the pink and purple sky as if it might have all the right words.

“My past,” he settled on. Andrew tilted his head in Neil’s peripheral to prompt him to continue. Andrew was done talking. It was Neil’s turn now.

“I’ve spent my entire life running away from my past, from who I used to be.” Neil paused, looking down at the scars criss crossing over his knuckles and thinking of the valleys crisscrossing his chest, carved out with a butcher’s knife rather than a river. “I always wished I could forget it, sweep it under the rug, and pretend it never happened.

“But now I have something worth remembering,” Neil said. He looked up at Andrew who hadn’t taken his intent gaze off of him since he started talking. “For the first time I have a family, and –” Neil’s voice caught as the rush of words left his mouth “– I can’t remember it. But I want to. I want it back, I want it all back.”

Andrew’s eyes burned into his, but Neil couldn’t look away. He didn’t look away until Andrew’s cigarette was on its last breath and sputtered out in the cold air. He didn’t look away even when Andrew turned around and went back inside.

Somehow Neil was left more confused with what he was feeling than he was before.

Chapter Text

“Neil, my sweet child!” Nicky sang, sailing into the room as soon as Neil opened the door for him the next day. “Have you opened your Christmas present yet?”

Neil blinked stupidly. “My what?”

“Don’t tell me you forgot it at the hospital,” Nicky said, his exuberance plunging to distraught.

Neil hadn’t forgotten the gift-wrapped package at the hospital, but after he put it away in his desk when he unpacked all his things, it slipped from his memory then. He didn’t really know what to do with it. “I didn’t forget it, it’s in my desk.”

“Go get it and open it! It’s been weeks, man. I guess this can be a late Christmas present since you slept through Christmas, and a late birthday too.”

Nicky’s voice followed Neil through the hallway and Neil tried not to shiver at the mention of his birthday. It made sense that Nicky knew about it, if Allison did. All the Foxes probably knew that he was born on January 19th.

Neil opened his drawer and pushed aside stray pencils and granola bar wrappers until he found the still neatly-wrapped present. The red and green wrapping paper clashed horribly with the bright orange bow taped on top, which was smushed from being face down. Neil read over the words written on the nametag, something vague and warm curling in his stomach that Neil didn’t know how to make sense of.

The present was flat and rectangular-shaped. It wasn’t particularly heavy, either. At first, Neil thought it was a book, but upon further inspection, he changed his mind.

“Come on, open it.” Nicky’s excited voice sounded from the doorway, making Neil look up. A wide smile stretched across his face as he made his way over to Neil and sat on top of the desk. He motioned impatiently at the gift in Neil’s hands. “You’ll never know what it is just by looking at the wrapping paper, especially with how amazing my gift-wrapping skills are.”

Neil’s fingers hesitated over the edge of the paper before he began to slowly tear it open. He’d never really gotten presents before, except for the occasional fresh fruit from a stand that his mother got him, or that one time she gave him a new baseball cap hastily wrapped in brown paper when they passed through Montreal. Thinking of his mother hurt, so Neil pushed the thoughts away and ripped off the rest of the paper.

This present was nothing like the ones he’d received in the past.

It was a framed picture of the Foxes in the foyer, either after a practice or before it. The first and most startling thing Neil noticed was that he was smiling in this picture, like in the picture taken after the Foxes’ Championship win against the Ravens. But this smile was softer around the edges, shaped by something other than winning an impossible game.

The Neil in the picture was looking at Andrew, who was the only person looking at the camera. His face was completely deadpan, but his head was tilted towards Neil. Matt had an arm around both Neil and Dan, his face bright with laughter while he leaned toward Dan. Renee was perched on Allison’s shoulders in the background with Allison holding her hands to make sure she didn’t fall. The picture showed the blurry aftermath of what looked like Nicky trying to jump on Kevin’s back and them both falling to the ground while Aaron watched it happen.

This wasn’t after some monumental win prompting them to grin and throw triumphant arms around shoulders; this was the Foxes hanging out and being happy around each other. It wasn’t staged for millions of people to judge. It was real, and it was for Neil.

Neil trailed his fingers down the side of the picture frame, a quiet yearning welling up in his chest like a new spring bubbling between rocks. He wanted to know why they all looked so happy in the picture. He wanted to know what it felt like.

“I went to Renee for ideas, since you and Andrew are probably the hardest people to shop for. She suggested something more personal, and I thought of this since you always liked the pictures in the foyer so much. Abby took the picture with Dan’s camera. It was kind of a joint effort from all of us,” Nicky said, his voice a thousand shades softer. “Open the frame, there’s something written on the back of it.”

Neil did as he was told and took the picture out. On the back, written in much neater handwriting then on the nametag of the present said, Neil Abram Josten at Fox family outing. December 13, Junkie’s sophomore year. The picture was only taken about a month ago. Neil traced his name with his finger. Neil Abram Josten. He was real.

“I take it you like it? I was worried you wouldn’t, although Andrew said that you would.”

“Andrew said that?” Neil asked, surprised. He didn’t necessarily disbelieve Nicky, but it seemed like an odd thing for Andrew of all people to say.

Nicky’s face blanked. He cleared his throat and said, “Oh. Uh, yeah. He did.”

Neil nodded, looking at the picture again. Emotions rushed inside his chest and threatened to force their way past his throat like a flood pushing at the boundaries of a dam. He swallowed against the lump forming and met Nicky’s hopeful eyes. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “To all of you.”

Nicky smiled again. “Sure thing, kid,” he said softly, ruffling Neil’s hair. “Merry late-Christmas.”

The Foxes played their second game of the season against the Texas University Longhorns that Friday. Luckily it was another home game, so the Longhorns came to Palmetto instead of the Foxes having to fly out to Texas. After the rough game with Belmonte, the Foxes worked twice as hard in practice that week, and it paid off. The Foxes won, 9-5. Neil scored three of those goals in the first half he played.

Although Neil had been successfully avoiding any reporters and paparazzi in the aftermath of the car accident, a mob of them surrounded Neil on the way to the locker room. He tried to get around but he couldn’t when they kept waving cameras and microphones in his face.

He struggled with their questions and grew increasingly frustrated. They didn’t know about his memory loss, but they knew he was unconscious for several days while he was at the hospital. Cameras flashed in his face and reporters attacked him with questions mercilessly.

Neil Josten, will you comment on your tragic accident last month? Will it have an effect on your game? Mr. Josten, look at the camera. Answer the questions, Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil –

When he thought he was about ready to snap on live television, Andrew shoved one of the reporters away and lead Neil to safety in the form of the locker room. The reporter Andrew pushed knocked into the camera and sent it crashing to the ground. Neil slammed the locker door behind him, effectively cutting off the camera man’s furious shrieks.

After the team went back to Fox Tower, Dan invited Andrew’s group to party in the girls’ dorm with Matt and the freshmen but Andrew declined and said they were going Columbia instead. A spark of interest ignited in Neil’s chest. Andrew had told him about going to Columbia after games, and he was curious what it was like...until Nicky made him change his clothes.

“I don’t see why I can’t go in what I’m wearing,” Neil argued, batting Nicky’s hands away from his faded t-shirt.

“We are not going to Eden’s with you in a shirt that’s probably older than you are, and that’s final,” he said, plopping a bag in Neil’s hands. “Don’t worry, Andrew picked these out for you.”

Neil sighed and sulkily took the bag. He had plenty of clothes that Andrew and Nicky had given him for past outings to Columbia, and he had all those new clothes from Allison that he was sure would do just fine. Though, if Neil was being honest with himself, he was curious to see what Andrew had picked for him.

Neil went back to the bedroom and locked it to get dressed.

When he opened the bag, he found a dark gray long-sleeved shirt that felt light and silky in his hands. Parts of the shirt was made of sheer black mesh, but it had the gray fabric underneath so no skin would be showing except for the rips near his shoulders. Neil placed it on the bed before he reached for the next item. Underneath that was a pair of black jeans with more rips in them. Neil glared at the jeans. Whenever he wore his old jeans with rips and frayed ends, the Foxes usually said it looked like he found it at the bottom of a dumpster.

Aaron pounded on the door and told Neil to hurry the fuck up, they didn’t have all night. Neil scowled and debated dragging out getting dressed for as long as possible just to be contrary, but decided against it. The clothes were tight and clung to his body, but Neil didn’t exactly hate it. They covered his scars well and the material was light and sort of stretchy, making it easy to breathe and move around in.

Neil turned around in the mirror and decided last minute to grab the black denim jacket Allison bought him. When he left the room, Nicky whistled and eyed Neil’s clothes appreciatively.

“Damn, Neil. Nice touch,” Nicky said, tweaking the collar of his jacket. Nicky looked at someone behind Neil and winked with a sly smile.

“We’re going,” Andrew said. Neil turned to look back at him, but Andrew was scowling at Nicky.

When they all filed into the Maserati, Nicky and Aaron climbed into the back but Kevin’s hand hesitated on the door. He flicked a look at Neil and paused, but when Andrew told him to move it, he followed Aaron and left the passenger seat open for Neil.

Nicky turned on some music to listen to on the ride up, but Neil wasn’t paying attention to it. He forced his gaze out the window, but he found that he kept wanting to look at Andrew which was – strange, to say the least. Neil had never wanted to look at anyone before. He brushed the weird sensation away as curiosity and eagerness to get to Columbia.

Andrew didn’t go to Eden’s right away. Instead, they went to a small diner called Sweetie’s and ordered ice cream for everyone. Even Kevin got one, and he didn’t complain at all about how much sugar was surely inside of it. Neil wasn’t a huge fan of sweets, so he only took a couple bites and then nudged it away when he was done with it. Without hesitation, Andrew grabbed it and finished it off.

Then they went to Eden’s.

Andrew stopped near the entrance to let everyone else out and drove off again when Aaron handed him a parking pass from one of the people at the door. Eden’s Twilight was a large club with music loud enough that Neil could hear it from outside. The bouncers at the front greeted Aaron and Nicky with elaborate handshakes and even pounded Kevin and Neil on the back when they passed.

Inside, they had to fight their way through the dancing crowd to find a table relatively clear of glasses. Nicky stacked the remaining glasses and put them on the table beside them while Aaron and Kevin rounded up more chairs. Andrew reappeared and snagged Neil by the collar of his jacket and dragged him to the bar. His fingers brushed against the back of Neil’s neck when he let go.

The man working the bar brightened when he saw Andrew and Neil approach. “Ah, look who it is! Thought you guys would never come back.” The bartender looked at Neil and grinned. “Neil, I heard about the car accident. Glad to see you’re okay.”

Neil muttered a thanks and looked down at the bar. There were several sticky spots from spilled alcohol that Neil found suddenly fascinating. He didn’t know who this person was, and for some reason it made him feel guilty. Neil looked up again when he saw Andrew move toward the bartender and tell him something in the corner of his eye. He looked startled and then turned to Neil. “Shit, man. That sucks, losing your memory and all.”

Shrugging, Neil trained his eyes on the glass the bartender was polishing, but he put it down and offered his hand to Neil. “I’m Roland, then.”

Neil shook his hand, grateful Roland turned around and started mixing their drinks instead of lingering. When Roland finished their tray, Neil noticed it was all alcohol. He opened his mouth to ask for a soda, but Andrew beat him to it. A can of soda and an empty cup appeared on the tray and Andrew grabbed it and turned away from the counter without a word.

Somehow Andrew moved through the crowd with ease, despite being shorter than pretty much everyone else in the club and balancing a tray full of drinks on one hand. Neil had a harder time getting through, people jostled and fell into him and the music pulsing through his body wrecked his sense of direction. The air reeked of alcohol and the flashing neon lights did nothing to make Andrew easier to follow. When they made it back to the table, Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron dug into the drinks immediately.

Neil filled the empty glass with his coke and took a sip while the others put away the drinks. There was a lot of alcohol, but it didn’t look like they were going to need Neil’s help to make it disappear. After more than half of the tray was empty, Aaron got up and disappeared into the crowd. Nicky started to go after him before he turned back around and pawed at Neil’s shoulder.

“Neil, you should dance with us! You never danced with us before,” Nicky shouted over the music.

“No thanks,” Neil said without hesitation. He didn’t like the thought of being pressed up against a bunch of sweaty strangers. He didn’t even like dancing that much anyway.

Instead of arguing like Neil thought he would, Nicky shrugged and took another shot before slammed it back down and followed Aaron into the writhing mass on the dancefloor. Kevin stayed behind, but he’d stopped drinking after his third glass. Andrew was still going through shots and when he was done he gathered the glasses and arranged them back on the tray.

“I’m getting more,” Andrew said, leaning in close so Neil could hear him. Neil got up to follow but hesitated, wondering if he should leave Kevin by himself.

Although Kevin didn’t look like he was going to leave the table any time soon. He had his chin propped up on his hand as he watched the people around them dance with a bored expression. Neil turned around to follow Andrew, but he was already gone.

Neil pushed people to the side to try and get to the bar, but people kept getting in his way. He sighed in frustration and stopped to take a breath, but someone fell forward and grabbed Neil’s shoulder to balance herself. She laughed, her breath sticky and hot against Neil’s neck, and made no move to get off of Neil.

Neil backed up but the girl followed and drunkenly batted her eyelashes at him as she forced her way even more into his space. Bodies all around Neil pushed and pulled at him, making him feel claustrophobic and dizzy. Neil looked around the girl’s head to try and find Andrew, but Andrew was nowhere to be found.

Lights flashed erratically, in Neil’s eyes and in his head. He was reminded of countless nights like this one, all at once. It was too much too quickly. He thought of drugs and the burn of alcohol and his lungs constricting as his breath was forced from his chest. He needed space, he needed air, he needed to leave.

Panic speared Neil through the chest as he tried to get away. A hand wrapped around Neil’s wrist and strung him through the crowd so Neil wrenched away from it and kicked at whoever had grabbed him. He didn’t hear their yelp over the pounding music and he didn’t stick around to see who it was. He saw the bar and struggled his way toward it. But Roland was alone and tending to other patrons; Andrew wasn’t there either.

Someone grabbed Neil by the waist and spun him around. Neil leaned away from the man’s overbearing frame but his hands tightened around him; he was larger and stronger than Neil was so Neil would have to be quicker and use the man’s body weight against him. Neil grabbed the man’s wrist and prepared to twist it off of him, but a familiar face showed up and threatened the man to get away.

Neil sighed with relief as Andrew returned his knife to his armband and turned towards Neil, his expression inscrutable. Neil wasn’t even surprised at the sight of the blade, he figured it was there and in Andrew’s hands it was safe. Neil shakily nodded his thanks and followed Andrew back to the table.

Neil didn’t leave his chair again after that. He was pretty much done with the club scene already; the air was sticky and suffused with alcohol and the pounding music was starting to give Neil a headache in his temples. Andrew seemed to notice and after the third round of drinks, he rounded up Nicky and Aaron, who were both significantly drunker and herded them out to the car.

Andrew didn’t seem very drunk, not even tipsy, but he gave Neil the keys to the Maserati anyway. Neil tried not to think too much about it as he followed the directions Andrew gave him to the house, but it was impossible.

It was nearly one in the morning when they arrived, and both Nicky and Kevin were passed out in the backseat, even though Kevin didn’t even drink that much. Neil helped carry Nicky to his room and Andrew left Kevin on the floor with him, not wanting to have to drag him upstairs. Kevin didn’t seem to mind. He pulled one of Nicky’s pillows and a blanket down to curl up with and began to snore. Aaron was already in bed by the time everyone else was in the house.

Neil settled on the couch and took off his denim jacket and bunched it up for a pillow, even though he wasn’t ready to go to bed. He was still keyed up from the club despite not actually enjoying his time there.

Andrew went through the house and turned all the lights off. Neil thought he would go to his room and leave Neil alone downstairs when he was done, but Andrew doubled back and turned the light on in the kitchen and put something in the microwave. Neil’s stomach grumbled when he smelled the food, so he trailed after him.

Andrew was leaning against the counter when Neil walked in, still wearing the tight all-black ensemble of his club clothes. He looked up when Neil peered into the microwave, his gaze clear and present.

The microwave beeped and Andrew shooed Neil back so he could take out the pizza rolls. He didn’t bother to wait for them to cool before he popped one in his mouth. He offered the plate to Neil and Neil gratefully accepted one. He nibbled at the corners to let it cool and then ate the whole thing before the filling could leak out. It burned his tongue, but Neil was too hungry to care. Together they ate through the entire plate so Andrew put it in the sink to be cleaned later. He filled up two glasses of water and gave one to Neil.

“You didn’t seem to like Eden’s very much,” Andrew noted. Neil couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or not.

“It was just a lot of people and too many lights. The music hurt my head.”

Andrew nodded and stayed quiet while they nursed their waters. When there wasn’t any club music drowning out his thoughts and when he wasn’t lugging Nicky’s half-unconscious body through the door, he was able to think long enough to realize something.

Putting the glass of water on the counter and pulling his keys out of his pocket, he presented the last one to Andrew. “This one belongs to this house, doesn’t it?”

Andrew glanced at him and said, “You could have just asked, you know.”

He could have, but Neil wanted to figure it out by himself. He marveled at the keys in his hand. Not only did he have a key to Andrew’s car, but he had a key to his house as well. There were so many things tying Neil down to this place and for once Neil didn’t want to run.

He ran his thumb over the ridges a couple times before he put it back in his pocket. When Neil looked back up, Andrew was watching him. He wanted to ask Andrew why he had these things when not even Nicky had a key to the Maserati. Instead, he said, “I just did. And anyway, you hate me, remember? I was supposed to be a side effect of the drugs.”

Andrew said nothing as he watched Neil from over the top of his glass but his eyes sparked with recognition. Neil had remembered that conversation shortly after he opened Nicky’s gift. He swallowed and decided to press his luck. In a whisper, he asked, “Am I still a pipe dream?”

Neil wasn’t sure if he expected an answer or what he even wanted Andrew to say. The truth, he decided. He wanted Andrew to say the truth.

Andrew finished the rest of his water and put the glass in the sink next to the plate. After that he still didn’t answer, he grabbed Neil’s glass and dumped it out and left it on the counter. When he turned back to Neil, he was closer than before. His eyes locked onto Neil’s when he finally said, “Not anymore. You haven’t been for a while.”

Andrew was close enough that when Neil turned his head he and Andrew were sharing the same breath. Andrew moved even closer and Neil stilled, not daring to breathe lest it broke whatever was happening between them. He wanted to see where this went.

Then Andrew retreated out of Neil’s space and left the kitchen. Neil followed him into the hallway and called out, loud enough to get Andrew’s attention but not enough to wake the others, “Andrew, wait.”

The hallway was dark but the light left on in the kitchen was enough to cast a warm glow on Andrew’s face. Neil jumped when Andrew’s hand unexpectedly wrapped around his wrist, gentler than the person’s in the club, more solid than all of his previous light touches. He was warm and unyielding, strong and immovable.

Andrew wavered when Neil jumped, but he didn’t back off when Neil didn’t pull away. Andrew’s fingers moved around Neil’s wrist.

“Your heart rate is fast. Are you afraid of something, Neil?” Andrew whispered, a wry edge to his voice. “The monster under your bed, perhaps?”

“No,” Neil said with certainty. He said it perhaps a bit louder than he should have, but he needed Andrew to hear this. “I’m not afraid of you, and I never was. You’re not a monster, Andrew.”

Andrew leaned in closer and Neil could feel his heart beat an uneven staccato in his chest. It felt reflexive, like an instinct, but the only other instinct Neil had was for running away. For dropping everything, including his name and the people who knew it and never looking back. But it was hard to think about bolting when Andrew’s face was only a couple inches from his.

Neil was close enough that he noticed Andrew’s hooded eyes flash with something he couldn’t name; some hidden emotion that Neil had never seen before.

Andrew braced one hand against the wall beside Neil’s head while his other was still wrapped around his wrist, his calloused fingers pressed into Neil’s rapidly beating pulse, firm but not hard enough to hurt. Distantly, Neil thought he should move away before the heat of Andrew’s stare roasted him alive or before the gold in his eyes engulfed him, but Neil found he still didn’t want to.

It was perplexing that the sensation tugging at him to lean closer to Andrew was stronger than the ever-present instinct to disappear. It scared him, in a way, that he could feel that about a person. Andrew was just a man and yet Neil felt he could place his safety in his hands and Andrew would fight for it.

Neil swallowed and watched as Andrew’s eyes followed the line of his throat.

“Can I kiss you?” Andrew asked abruptly, his eyes snapping back to Neil’s. Neil’s breath was lost on the way to his lungs. “Yes or no?”

It was little more than a low whisper in the dark, but Neil felt puzzle pieces fitting together. He’d heard those words before. He’d answered this question more than once. The same words, some distant memory. It was there, warm and honest and just out of reach. It felt right.

Neil let his eyes fall closed. The word slipped past his lips like he was familiar with the taste of it on his tongue, “Yes.”

There was a beat of nothing, and then lips brushed his, paused, and then what little breath Neil had in his lungs he gave away to Andrew.

The kiss wasn’t particularly gentle or soft, but it was slower than Neil would have imagined. Everything else stopped and started again but all Neil could think about was the rough press of lips against his; like the only thing in Andrew’s world was Neil’s mouth, like if the kiss was any less biting, Neil would disappear underneath his fingertips.

Andrew squeezed Neil’s wrist before he trailed his fingers up Neil’s arm and neck, leaving a line of goosebumps in their wake. Andrew’s fingertips brushed the edge of Neil’s jaw and tilted his head better into the kiss as he buried his other hand in Neil’s hair and massaged the area behind his ear. He could feel Andrew’s heartbeat fluttering against where his thumb pressed into Neil’s jawbone, matching the drumbeat rhythm of Neil’s own pulse. Neil kept his hands to his sides, his palms flat against the wall. He couldn’t touch with his hands, but he could kiss back just as desperately.

Teeth clacked and noses bumped when Andrew turned his head. His hair tickled Neil’s forehead and stubble brushed against his cheek but all Neil wanted to do was press closer. Teeth scraped his bottom lip, making Neil push further into the kiss.

They pulled away and for a second Andrew’s eyes remained closed while he and Neil breathed together. His breaths were measured puffs of hot air against Neil’s now-slick and tingling lips. When Andrew opened his eyes, Neil saw the same look in them as before he asked to kiss Neil, except now Neil thought he was beginning to understand.

The moment was suspended in the air between them, like time had paused and the only thing keeping track of the ticking seconds was the sound of their ragged breathing and thrumming hearts. Neil couldn’t tear his eyes away. He sucked in a deep breath and said earnestly, “Kiss me again.”

Chapter Text

Neil was late to practice so if he didn’t get murdered by whoever had been tailing him in the sleek black car since he got out of class, Kevin definitely would.

He tried to lose the car by taking sudden turns or straying from the road, but the driver was persistent and would find Neil again within minutes. He’d only been jogging for about twenty-five minutes in an attempt to discreetly lose whoever was following him but a stitch was already forming between his ribs. His lungs constricted painfully and he couldn’t draw in enough air, and it wasn’t because he was running.

The Butcher of Baltimore was dead, but not all of his men were. Neil knew the consequences of staying in one place for too long. He knew someone would catch up to him eventually, but he wanted to stay so badly that he was willing to risk everything.

His past was finally catching up to him again, and Neil didn’t think he was going to survive the rematch.

He hated these mind games. If they were just going to drag him into the car and kill him, why follow him around campus for nearly thirty minutes? They could just stop him and demand he get inside the car. He had nowhere else to run and he couldn’t escape campus before they’d find him, he didn’t have much of a choice but to listen. He was a cornered animal given just enough space to think he’ll be able to get away before it is ruthlessly snatched from under his feet.

Neil could run to the court where the rest of his team was, but he refused to lead whoever was after him to the Foxes. He would not put them in danger. This was his problem and his alone.

The car took a sharp turn and disappeared down another street but Neil wouldn’t let himself hope that this was all some terrible fluke. He slowed down and pushed his hair out of his eyes, effectively smearing sweat across his forehead. Neil sucked in a ragged breath through his teeth and curled his hand in his backpack strap to hoist it over his shoulders to make it easier to run without it bouncing against his back every step he took. He couldn’t believe he’d left his duffel back at the dorm. If he could get back to Fox Tower to get it –

Before Neil could plan his great escape, the black car appeared through the mist in front of him like a shark parting the water on its hunt for something to kill. The car drove a couple paces ahead of him and Neil considered turning around and bolting. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t see the car when it presented itself so clearly in front of him, though. If he ran, he might get shot in the back.

The windows of the car were tinted so Neil couldn’t see who was inside except for the faint outline of two people in the front seat. For one horrifying moment, he thought it might have been Lola, waiting with a sharp knife and a sharper smile. But Lola was dead; Neil remembered the sound of gunshots and bullets ripping through her chest like a favorite movie.

When he approached the car, he expected Romero or Jackson or one of his father’s other goons to pull him into the car and slap duct tape over his mouth and handcuffs on his wrists, but the backdoor only opened to allow Neil inside.

Against his better thought, Neil slid inside and shut the door after him. It wasn’t Romero or Jackson in the front seat, but it was someone Neil recognized. Of course.

Before he’d even clicked his seat-belt into place, the car was moving to a more secluded area. They went to the opposite side of campus from the Foxhole Court; the more isolated part of Palmetto.

The man sitting in the passenger seat was dressed in a nicer suit than what could usually be found on a college campus, but Ichirou Moriyama didn’t need to blend in. He was a shark in a school of fish, the long dagger-like stinger of a hornet. He was a threat, a warning, a predator all in one.

He was someone who could make Neil disappear and snuff out any memory of him with less than a snap of his fingers.

Ichirou’s face was pleasant and blank, but Neil wasn’t fooled. This was a business trip and Neil was both the consultant and the investment. His voice was cool when he said, “Nathaniel Wesninski, enjoying your morning jog, I presume?”

“The best way to start the day,” Neil quipped. He didn’t know if Ichirou meant for him to answer but he didn’t want to ignore his question. Neil’s heart was in his throat which made it difficult to breathe and harder to talk. He was going to die.

“Hm. I can’t say that I agree.”

Beneath all the fear, Neil was angry. Ichirou let weeks pass without so much as a word to Neil about whether he was to live or die. The Foxes won two games since Ichirou first called him with a threat. He was sick of these mind games.

“I was actually expecting to hear from you sooner, but I guess you needed a couple weeks to decide whether I am to be kept as an investment. Kind of a big decision, my life and all,” Neil said before he could stop himself. He was definitely going to die. As not to dig himself into a deeper hole, Neil added, “My lord.”

Ichirou tilted his head to the side. He looked vaguely amused, but the twitch of his lips was far from friendly. “You better watch your tone, Butcher’s son. I believe you’ve forgotten whom you’re talking to. I’ll excuse your insolence this time, as you are not doing much of remembering anything these days, but I will not be merciful the next time your mouth escapes you.”

Neil swallowed the rest of his anger down. Sassing off to a mob boss was probably the worst thing he could do. Neil flicked his eyes away and looked out the window.

“Good.” Ichirou pointed to an alley nestled between two buildings and obscured by cardboard boxes. Without a trained eye, it was nearly invisible.

Neil bit down his protests and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans. If he let Ichirou take him in that alley, he might not walk out of it. Neil glanced around but the street was empty.

“You played well in your past two games, but not good enough,” Ichirou started, and Neil’s stomach dropped to his shoes. “You are nowhere close to your previous skill. At any rate, you are useless to me.”

“Excuse me, Lord Moriyama, but the Foxes won both games and I scored several of the goals. I don’t think that’s useless. I am only getting better,” Neil interjected. He never did know when to keep his mouth shut.

“You overestimate your worth to me, Wesninski. You are a pawn and nothing more. My empire is more important than your life. If need be I will sacrifice you for the sake of my business and will be virtually unaffected,” Ichirou said calmly.

Neil bit his lip. Whether it was to keep himself from saying anything or to ground himself, he wasn’t sure. His anger was quickly being flushed out with fear. Any wrong move and Ichirou could have him killed. Ichirou’s face didn’t so much as twitch the entire time he talked, giving nothing away. His voice was even and casual as if they were just discussing the weather.

“But,” Ichirou continued, “I have already invested quite a bit into you, and it’d be a shame to see that go down the drain. You have until finals to gain it back and prove yourself to me. Should you fail, you will pay the price of my wasted time. I am a busy man, you know.”

“Yes, my Lord,” Neil said, forcing his voice to remain even. He should be dead right now.

The driver opened Neil’s door again and Neil took it for the cue it was and stumbled out. The car drove off and Neil propped himself up against the alley wall. He dug his fingers into the side of his face and attempted to breathe through his seizing lungs.

For the past ten minutes, his phone had been buzzing incessantly in his pocket. He was lucky Ichirou didn’t hear it; who knew what he would have done if he thought Neil was recording their discussion. Almost all of the calls were from Kevin, with the exception of one that was from Andrew. Neil didn’t have time to scroll through all of Kevin’s angry text messages; his phone lit up with another call from him. With trembling hands, Neil pressed accept call and put the phone to his ear.

“Where the fuck are you? Practice started half an hour ago and your ass still isn’t here –”

“Ichirou,” Neil gasped, interrupting Kevin’s growing tirade. His legs wobbled precariously under his weight. Neil pressed his hand to the brick wall and leaned against it to prevent himself from collapsing.

Kevin fell silent. Except for the tinny static and a muffled voice on the other side, Neil heard nothing. A few minutes passed and Neil thought Kevin might have hung up on him.

“Tell me what happened,” Andrew’s voice came in from the line. Neil gripped his phone tighter.

Neil tried to force the words out but he couldn’t breathe. His vision blurred until the alley dissolved into white static. He knew his breaths were coming in too quickly, but he couldn’t slow down enough to get air through to his lungs. The world around him crackled out of focus.

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, but Andrew’s distant voice reached him through the thick curtain of static. “Neil, you need to breathe. I am coming to pick you up but you need to tell me where you are – fuck you, Kevin, I can leave if I want. Can you do that?”

Neil nodded although he knew Andrew couldn’t see him. Somehow, he had ended up hunched over his knees on the ground, his back pressed into the uneven wall behind him. Neil didn’t remember moving. He forced himself to say, “I’m near the coffee shop on the other side of campus. Alley.”

“I’m coming, Neil. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?”

“Yes.”

Andrew only said a few words in the time it took him to find Neil huddled behind a cardboard box in the alley, but he didn’t hang up until he approached. Neil saw his shoes from where his forehead was pressed into his knees.

Dropping down beside him, Andrew slipped Neil’s phone from his unresisting fingers and put it in his pocket next to Kevin’s. “Yes or no?” he said.

Neil lifted his head and nodded, not sure if he could talk. Andrew helped pull him up and steady him on his feet. Neil didn’t need Andrew to walk him to the car, so he followed behind him and got in the passenger seat. He thought Andrew might ask questions now, but he didn’t say another word until they got to Fox Tower.

“But practice –” Neil protested when he saw that they weren’t going to the court.

“I texted Coach a warning that we’ll be gone,” Andrew replied as he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out. He rounded to the other side and opened Neil’s door. Motioning for Neil to get out, he said, “You are in no condition to practice.”

“No. Andrew, no. I need to practice,” Neil said, hearing the earlier panic creep back into his voice. “I can’t waste any time.”

Andrew sighed when Neil didn’t get out of the car. He leaned over and unbuckled Neil’s seatbelt for him. “You can practice tomorrow, but right now you’re not going anywhere.”

“He’s going to kill me if I don’t get better.”

“One practice isn’t going to change that. You have time, Neil. If you didn’t, Ichirou would have killed you when you were in that alley. Running yourself ragged will tire you out and will do more harm than good. Then where would your little rabbit heart be?”

“Shut up,” Neil snapped. “I only have until finals –”

“You need to calm down,” Andrew said, sharper this time. He met Neil’s eyes with a glare. “That is several weeks away. You have time. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Neil.”

Neil stared up at Andrew. He wanted to believe him, did believe him, but Ichirou was a powerful mafia leader with influence and money. Andrew was just one man.

But Andrew was right. Neil could barely get out of the car without swaying dangerously to the side. He felt nauseous and dizzy and he hadn’t eaten anything at all today. His hands wouldn’t stop trembling and there was no way he could hold a racquet, let alone go through an entire practice.

Andrew took Neil’s silence for agreement and locked the doors when Neil dragged himself out of the car. The quiet between them as they went back to their dorm made Neil’s skin itch. When he couldn’t stand it anymore he asked, “Was Kevin pissed you left practice?”

“He didn’t want me to go by myself.” Andrew flicked Neil a look as he unlocked the door to their dorm. “Especially with Ichirou so close.”

“You’re not the one Ichirou might kill,” Neil said. The panic and fear were slowly starting to drain out of him, leaving him tired and stretched thin. The exhaustion that dogged his steps was different from the worn-down feeling Neil got after a brutally rewarding practice. This kind of exhaustion left him with nothing but burnt-out dread.

“I’m not making him any money so he could kill me if he wanted to,” Andrew pointed out, his indifferent tone at a contrast with his words.

Neil grimaced. Before he could think of something to shoot back, Andrew left Neil on the couch in the living room and searched the cabinets in the kitchen for food. Neil turned just in time for a granola bar to hit him in the forehead and fall to his lap. His scowl bounced right off of Andrew’s unconcerned shrug as he plopped down into one of the bean bags.

They ate in silence. Well, Neil did. Andrew leaned back and stared at the ceiling with a bored expression.

“If I’m boring you so much, you don’t have to stay,” Neil said when he was finished with his granola bar.

Andrew rolled his head to the side so he was facing Neil. “Of course I do. Who else would stop you from running?”

Neil’s eyes fell to his lap. For some reason that made Neil think of waking up in the hospital with no memory of the Foxes and the life he made here. He wanted to say he wasn’t going to run, but he didn’t know if he could say it truthfully. Neil still didn’t trust himself not to bolt and he wasn’t going to assure Andrew that he wasn’t.

A couple minutes passed and Neil still didn’t have anything to say. He could feel the weight of Andrew’s eyes on him, but he didn’t force Neil to come up with an answer. Neil didn’t have to say anything at all, Andrew understood. And yet he was still here. Thinking about it made Neil’s head hurt so he idly traced the ugly cross-stitch pattern on the couch with his pinky and blocked out the day’s events.

He didn’t mean to fall asleep — he didn’t even remember closing his eyes — but when the lock on the door turned, Neil woke up and found Andrew gone. The door opened to reveal a wide-eyed Kevin. Kevin’s eyes darted to Neil immediately as if he were checking to make sure all of Neil’s organs were where they were supposed to be.

Before he could say anything, Nicky pushed past him. “Neil! Andrew told us you had a stomach ache. Are you feeling any better?”

Neil looked past Nicky’s shoulder to Andrew, but Andrew’s expression betrayed nothing. Although his head occasionally gave a lingering throb, he no longer felt panicked and on the verge of a mental breakdown. He nodded at Nicky and sat up.

“That’s good to hear! Me and Matt were thinking about doing a movie night with all the Foxes, but we can do that later if you don’t feel up to it.”

Neil kind of wanted to be left alone, but he also didn’t want to be left alone. He still felt wired and twitchy from his meeting with Ichirou. Neil didn’t want to find out what he’d do when he was left to his own devices.

He looked from Nicky’s hopeful face to Matt who appeared behind him in the hallway. Matt grinned at him and held up two movie cases.

“A movie night sounds good, actually,” Neil said. Matt whooped and went to fetch the rest of the Foxes. Kevin caught Neil’s eye and mouthed we’ll talk about this later. Neil nodded, already not looking forward to that conversation.

Everyone shoved their way into the dorm and piled blankets and pillows around the room to form a giant nest. Neil got up and helped Matt push the couch back so there was more room for the Foxes to scatter around. The only Foxes who weren’t there were a few of the freshmen, Jack and Sheena included.

Andrew joined Neil from where he was squeezed on one side of the couch and took the middle cushion. He sat a couple inches away, but Neil only had to move his leg a little to the right for his knee to be pressed into the side of Andrew’s thigh. They were close enough Neil could feel the heat radiating off of him. Their proximity made Neil’s skin buzz.

Andrew’s fingers twitched and Neil thought Andrew might reach for him, but he put his hand in his lap when Kevin sank down on the last empty cushion on the other side of Andrew.

When the popcorn was popped and everyone found their spots, Nicky turned on the TV and some spy movie started playing on the screen. Neil was pretty sure he’d seen it before, but he didn’t want to ask and interrupt the movie.

Neil felt himself relax as he let the Foxes soothe over his jagged edges. With a startling jolt, Neil realized that he felt settled. He probably paid attention to his teammates and let them take Ichirou and his impending doom off his mind more than the movie.

Even with the argument brewing between Nicky and Allison about who in the movie was hotter and Matt occasionally aiming a piece of popcorn in the hood of Kevin’s jacket, Neil mostly enjoyed himself. The movie itself was bland and like every other action movie Neil had seen, but he felt safe in the room with his team. Occasionally Dan would make a joke to Robin or Renee would laugh softly when Kevin discovered another piece of popcorn in his hood.

Once or twice, Neil found his eyes being drawn to Andrew. He couldn’t help it when Andrew was so much more interesting than the fight scenes flashing across the screen.

After Andrew kissed him a couple days ago, he gave Neil his space. But Neil wasn’t even sure if he wanted to be given space, not from Andrew at least. That’s why Andrew did it, he guessed.

It was strange, thinking of all Neil had forgotten. As soon as he thought he remembered all of it, something else would wiggle its way into Neil’s head and Neil would realize he still had a lot to relearn.

He still couldn’t make sense of the warm feeling in his stomach whenever he was around Andrew, but he figured it had something to do with the kiss. But he’d been feeling this way before Andrew even kissed him. Neil wanted to know how this all started; when Neil started to swing for someone. Not just someone – Andrew. It was only Andrew.

The first movie ended and Matt put in the second one, but Neil didn’t want to watch it. He thought about making an excuse about his head and going to the bedroom, but he didn’t want the Foxes to crowd him with their concern. But he needed to think and he couldn’t with all the noise. He got up and shot a reassuring smile to Dan when she asked if he was okay. He wasn’t running, he was giving himself space.

As soon as Neil closed himself into his bedroom, the loud noise from the movie was muffled and Neil felt his head clear. He ignored the light switch since it was only just starting to get dark and sat on the edge of the bed. He took off his shoes and threw them in the general direction of the closet.

Fifteen minutes later, Andrew followed him into the room and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the wall beside the door and quirked an eyebrow at Neil.

“I’m fine,” Neil said, looking up. Andrew rolled his eyes and waved his hand in a try again motion. Neil amended, “I feel better than I did this morning, I just needed to get away for a minute.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and searched for the lie. When he was satisfied Neil was telling the truth, he said, “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” Neil replied. Andrew nodded and crossed the room to sit down a couple inches away from Neil. Andrew was the only person Neil wanted to be around right now. Even with his odd mood, he didn’t want Andrew to leave.

If Neil’s skin was buzzing from sitting next to Andrew in a room full of other people, being alone with him made him feel like he was set on fire. After ten minutes, Neil couldn’t stand it anymore. He shifted closer and said, “Yes or no?”

Andrew glanced at him from the corner of his eye. “I’m not going to kiss you when you just had a panic attack a couple hours ago.”

“I said I was fine.”

“Coming from you, that’s not very reassuring,” Andrew retorted, turning his head so he was fully facing Neil. A faint scar underneath his lip that Neil had never noticed before caught his attention.

“I promise I’m okay. You can kiss me if you want,” Neil said, wanting to brush his fingers over the scar.

“Do you want me to kiss you?”

“Yes. That’s why I asked. That is how it works, yeah?” Neil said, feeling a smirk edge itself across his lips. He met Andrew’s eyes with something like a challenge.

Andrew huffed and planted a hand on the mattress between them and inclined his head forward but kept a couple inches between them. He was waiting for Neil.

Kissing someone and being kissed were two different things. Neil had never initiated a kiss before; at least not that he could remember. He’d been kissed plenty of times, and the fact that only Andrew left him wanting more was disorienting. He wanted to know why; he wanted to know what had changed. He wanted.

Andrew didn’t move at all in the time it took for Neil to make up his mind. He was giving Neil his time and space. Maybe that’s why Neil slowly closed the gap between his lips and Andrew’s.

He kissed him once, and then he tilted his head to kiss the scar. When he pulled back, he saw the pensive look in Andrew’s eyes and suppressed a shiver. He went to lean in again but Andrew slid his hand in Neil’s hair and tugged him close first, sealing their lips together.

It was more than a kiss. It was a promise, it was remembering. Neil had never felt like this before and as much as it was confusing and terrifying all at once, it was intoxicating.

When they broke apart for air, Neil leaned back enough to see all of Andrew’s face. His pupils were blown, and Neil didn’t think it was because of the dim light that cast abstract shadows across his face. He wanted to kiss Andrew again, but something had been bothering him since they got back from Columbia.

Neil knew that this was something they’d done before. He knew that Andrew had feelings for him, he just didn’t realize it until Andrew kissed him and all the missing pieces fit together like a puzzle. Everything made so much more sense; the way Neil sometimes noticed Andrew watching him, why the Foxes were so cautious when they talked about Andrew around him, and even the way Neil sometimes felt a low swoop in his stomach when he looked at Andrew and found Andrew already looking back.

The first time Neil tried to talk he couldn’t so he cleared his throat and tried again, “Why did you never tell me about this before? You told me everything else.”

Neil expected Andrew to withdraw his hand but he only brushed his fingers over the short hair behind Neil’s ear before he bunched the collar of Neil’s hoodie in a loose fist. It was several seconds before he responded.

“I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to, just because you did before. I wasn’t about to force anything onto you,” Andrew said.

Neil tilted his head, his brow furrowing. “But what if I never figured it out? What if I never remembered any of this?”

“Then I would have dealt with it. It didn’t matter what we did before the crash, I didn’t want to push you into anything. I know that you think about these things differently. How it isn’t the same for you,” Andrew said steadily. He spoke so quietly Neil was sure that if he wasn’t so close he wouldn’t have heard him. “I know you feel things differently.”

Neil didn’t understand how anyone could think Andrew was a soulless monster. He wasn’t particularly soft or gentle, but neither was Neil. He was so careful and respectful of Neil’s boundaries and he never took anything for granted.

Neil didn’t know how he could have ever forgotten this.

Andrew reached up with his other hand, slow enough that Neil could move away if he wanted to, and carefully traced the knotted scar from the top of Neil’s forehead to his eyebrow with his thumb. His touch was light, but the kiss he pressed to Neil’s lips was lighter.

Chapter Text

You are a pawn and nothing more.

Neil fired off two more balls in the direction of the cones, knocking them both down in rapid succession. He picked up another from the bucket resting beside his feet and tossed it in the air, caught it with his racquet, and flung it at the wall for it to rebound and knock down the last cone with a resounding thud.

At any rate, you are useless to me.

He was a robot, a machine, knocking down cones one after the other and then picking them up and doing it all over again. His body was fine-tuned to Exy. This was what he was good at. He would not let his failure to perform force his hand to sign his own death certificate.

Should you fail, you will pay the price of my wasted time.

Neil twirled his racquet in his hand and prepared to start the drill over again. He shifted his feet and had only taken one running step when Kevin stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s three times without missing a cone, Neil. Take shots at the goal and then we’ll leave,” Kevin said.

“We haven’t been here long enough. Only –”

“Three hours. Any more and you’ll pull something and then you’ll be benched.” Kevin snapped his fingers as he wheeled Neil around so he faced Andrew in goal. “Thirty minutes.”

Neil bit back a complaint and shook out his arms and prepared to fire at the goal. Andrew stayed still in the goalie box, watching Neil for his first move.

Ichirou’s words had been circling his head ceaselessly since Monday. When he tried to sleep, he heard his deadline. When he closed his eyes, he saw Ichirou’s remorseless face. Ichirou was a shadow following Neil’s every move.

He’d had been working tirelessly, non-stop, relentlessly every practice with the Foxes and every night practice after that. He spent extra time in the gym, long after the rest of the team left and the lacrosse team needed it. He’d even been skipping his classes to spend more time at the Foxhole Court until Dan found out and dragged Neil to Calculus by the collar of his shirt.

The Foxes were playing Binghamton tomorrow and Neil was dreading it for more than one reason. It was the last game before Death Matches started up and the Foxes couldn’t afford to lose. Neil couldn’t afford to lose.

Squaring his shoulders, Neil raised his racquet and feinted right before twisting and swinging to the top left corner of the goal. Andrew saw it coming and rebounded it back to him. Neil caught it and fired just above Andrew’s head, but he deflected that, too. Instead of passing it back to Kevin or Neil, Andrew caught it and dropped it to the ground. He put his foot on it before it could roll away.

“You move your foot to whichever side you mean to shoot at. Your tells are too noticeable,” Andrew said.

If Neil wasn’t seething, he might have been pleased Andrew was showing some form of interest in the game but as it was, his frustration clouded everything and he just motioned for Andrew to serve with an impatient wave of his racquet.

The next time he aimed, he made sure to take two purposeful steps and fire with his toes planted firmly on the ground. He swung, feeling the force of the swing move through his arms and his back until it connected with the ball. The ball slammed into the wall of the goal before Andrew could block it.

A pleased thrill shuddered through Neil, making him clench his racquet in his hands. He stretched his fingers and caught the ball when Andrew rebounded it back to him.

Neil didn’t stop taking shots on Andrew until he scored on him five times, even when Kevin told him to start packing up. After the fifth shot smacked into the middle of the goal and lit up red, Andrew stepped to the side to signal that he was done, and so was Neil.

“You let me have that,” Neil snapped.

Andrew’s face was impassive behind his face guard. “I did not. And we’re leaving.”

“It’s not even midnight yet –”

“We have a game tomorrow, Neil. You need to get some fucking sleep. No –” Kevin pointed a warning finger when Neil tried to interrupt. “Did you think I didn’t notice you not sleeping? Zip it and stop compromising your health. We’re done here.”

Neil clenched his jaw so hard, his vision blurred. He sucked in a quick breath through his nose and then released all the tension from his muscles on the exhale. By the time his entire body was more or less relaxed, Kevin had collected the Exy balls and cones and shut the stadium lights off. Andrew scooped up the ball by his feet with a gloved hand and pushed it against Neil’s chest as he passed.

Neil showered quickly, not caring that Kevin and Andrew were in the locker room showering as well. He felt wired and amped up like he could run three laps around the court and still have the energy for a scrimmage.

Before he could even think about detouring back to the court, Andrew snagged the hood of his jacket and steered him to the Maserati. The farther away Neil got from the court and the closer to Fox Tower, Neil could feel the energy draining out of him and the exhaustion evident in the bags under his eyes nestling in his bones.

Despite his previous anxiety, Neil passed out before Kevin had even turned off the lights in the dorm, barely even changing into sweatpants to sleep in before he crawled into his bed and faceplanted into the pillow.

He stayed asleep and dreamt of nothing all night.

When he woke up, Neil gave himself three minutes to stare at the ceiling and assess everything from the aches in his body to the threats playing through his head.

The only thing he didn’t let himself do was think about how much that car accident had taken from him, how much of a predicament it had put him in. He definitely didn’t wonder what his life would be like if he had never cracked open his head.

Neil, Andrew, and Kevin were the first to arrive in the lobby of the Foxhole Court where Wymack and Abby were waiting for them. Kevin forced Neil to eat three granola bars and some disgusting health-shake made of blended vegetables and protein powder before the rest of the Foxes arrived. Then he stopped Kevin before he made Andrew drink one too and got staked in the ribs for his efforts.

After a short talk, Wymack released them so they could pack their equipment and load up. Andrew pulled Neil into his seat at the back of the bus and put him by the window. Neil wasn’t concerned that Andrew was blocking his exit; he felt safe where he was. Andrew wouldn’t acknowledge the grateful look Neil shot him.

Even though he got plenty of sleep before, Neil was out like a light as soon as the bus was on the Interstate. When he woke three hours later, Wymack was pulling into the Binghamton parking lot and the Foxes were stretching out their legs and arms. Neil rubbed away the remaining sleep from his eyes and smoothed his hand over the indents in his face from where he was pressed against the window.

“Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?” Neil mumbled to Andrew, his words slurred with sleep.

Andrew shrugged. His attention was on the large stadium outside. “You looked tired. Like a raccoon.”

“What?”

Andrew didn’t respond. Wymack had parked the bus and the Foxes were starting to file off so Neil got up and followed Andrew down the aisle. When he hopped off the last step of the bus, he scanned every inch of the stadium to see if it triggered any memories.

He knew where he was. He knew what happened here. A little less than a year ago Neil had been kidnapped off of this campus by his father’s men. In less than forty-eight hours after that, Neil Josten was in the system to be a real person and all the people who wanted to hurt Neil were dead or being hunted down by the FBI.

Except for one.

Neil wished he was lucky enough for Ichirou to be hit by a bus and put an end to all of this. He let himself imagine a life of freedom, no contracts tied to his life, no investments. Just Exy. And the Foxes.

It was unlikely so Neil shooed away the wishful thinking and retrieved his and Andrew’s bags from under the bus. The inside of the stadium was just as unfamiliar, but Neil thought he felt something when they entered the lounge. It was fleeting and when Neil tried to reach for it, it slipped through his fingers and left him feeling uneasy.

When Neil stepped into the men’s locker room, he nearly dropped his duffel bag. He thought he covered up his flinch, smoothed away the expression on his face, but the sound of air catching in his throat caught Andrew’s attention anyway.

Andrew didn’t need to ask what was wrong. He knew. He caught hold of Neil’s sleeve and tugged. “Breathe, Neil,” he said, leaning closer.

Neil wanted to do what Andrew told him, he really did, but how could he breathe when he heard Lola’s voice in his ears? How could he walk through this locker room when a stark black 0 flashed before his eyes every time he blinked? Neil’s chest squeezed and he caught hold of Andrew’s wrist to help ground him. Andrew didn’t seem to mind, his hand tightening in Neil’s sleeve.

“Neil, are you alright?”

Neil turned to Matt, hoping his eyes weren’t stretched as wide with panic like he thought they were. They were going to kill him. If Stuart hadn’t shown up when he did then Neil –

“Do you need me to get Abby?” Nicky asked him, pointing behind his shoulder from where they came in from.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Now? If you screw this up for us, Josten, I hope they kick you off the team –” Jack started. At the sight of Andrew and Kevin’s combined glare, his mouth clamped shut, but his glower wasn’t any less poisonous.

“What do you need, Neil?”

That was the question, wasn’t it? Neil needed to win this game, he needed to remember, he needed his Foxes, he needed to breathe, he needed to breathe, he needed to breathe.

So he breathed.

Neil took one deep breath and released it, then he took another and another. When the fuzziness in his lungs cleared away and Neil could think properly, he said, “I’m fine. I need to play.”

Nicky looked doubtful, but Kevin thumped him on the back and Andrew released him when he decided Neil wasn’t going to hyperventilate and pass out on the tile floor.

The entire time Neil dressed, he couldn’t quite dispel thoughts of Lola and his father out of his head. If he listened closely, he could hear the sounds of the crowd roaring from the stadium. Neil told himself it was different from the sounds of an angry riot. He checked for the blood he knew wasn’t really caked underneath his nails.

He didn’t want to think of the riot or getting kidnapped. Instead, he immersed himself in the Foxes’ friendly banter as they got ready for the game. Matt clapped his hand on Neil’s shoulder and gave him a friendly shake, grinning brightly at him. Past his shoulder, Neil caught sight of Renee and Andrew discussing plays with the freshmen goalkeeper. Andrew caught his eye and held it.

Soon enough it was time to file onto the inner court. Neil felt he was finally getting hold of his bearings; it was easier to think with the Plexiglas walls around him and the rumbling of the crowd in the stands. Wymack gave them a brief pep talk and released them to do their warm-ups.

Neil was starting striker with Kevin, so when the refs locked them on the court with the Binghamton players, he lined up on the starting line and raised his racquet. Neil’s shoulders were set, his face locked in a glare. Around him, he had his Foxes, Kevin at his side and Andrew at his back. When he caught Dan’s eye behind the face guard of her helmet, she gave him a determined look and tossed the ball in the air to serve.

The Foxes lost. Badly.

Neil hooked his fingers in the grill of his helmet and tore it off, but it didn’t change the red numbers on the scoreboard.

10-4, Binghamton’s favor.

The excited screams of triumph and outrage from the crowd faded to a dull buzz until Neil could only hear the blood pulsing through his ears. The world narrowed to that 4 and Neil thought he was going to throw up. This had to be a mistake, this was a nightmare. Neil would wake up on the bus in Binghamton’s campus and then the real game would start –

The Foxes’ loss was from no lack of trying on their part. They played viciously and desperately, every move played like it was their last. It just wasn’t good enough.

The players on both teams lined up and shook hands, but Neil wasn’t paying attention. It wasn’t until he was on his way off the court when someone from behind shoved him hard enough to almost send him sprawling when everything snapped back into place.

“What the fuck was that, Josten?” Jack snarled, getting in his face.

Neil shoved him away but this time, Sheena was there and caught his arm and pushed him forward. Neil was caught between Jack and Sheena, each jostling him back and forth as Jack yelled.

“You know what, I’m getting real sick and tired of this bullshit,” Jack’s voice rose higher and louder with each word. “You think you can just come onto the court and fuck everything up for everyone else? You’re just an amateur who got lucky. You don’t belong on this court, you’re a fucking disgrace, a –”

Robin stepped in between Jack and Neil. “Stop! It’s not his fault!”

“Oh really?” Jack said, wheeling on Robin instead. She jutted out her chin and met his enraged expression head on. “Because from where I’m standing, he fumbled three shots that should have been easy. I could have scored those goals with my eyes closed.”

“But you didn’t, did you, Jack? You’re too busy jacking off to how great you are — how better you are than everyone — to really get a goal,” Neil fired back, just as loud. “You think I’m an amateur? Who was the one who helped the Foxes win a championship title last year? That sure as hell wasn’t you. You’re just a whiny fucking brat with an attitude problem. Because guess what? You didn’t score those goals. You were sitting on the sidelines for most of the game, bitching at everyone else instead of actually contributing.”

“Hey, hey! That’s enough. Jack, Neil –”

Neil ignored Dan. “Remind me why you’re in my face again? You’re just a shitty fanboy with no real promise. That’s never going to get you very far in life, sorry to say.”

Jack sputtered, his face turning a vibrant shade of magenta. “Is that so, Natha–”

Neil’s fist connected with Jack’s face before he could get out the entire word, but the name hung in the air like the blade of a guillotine over Neil’s neck. The refs finally made their way through the knot of Foxes. One of them grabbed Neil by the shoulders and yanked him away from Jack before he could land another punch. Jack leapt up with fists swinging, but Dan shoved him back with one hand on his chest and the other warding off Neil from getting any closer.

“That’s enough! We are a team and you two need to start acting like one or I will bench you both for the rest of the season, you hear me?”

Neil glared at Jack. A red spot was blooming on his cheekbone and Neil very much wanted to add to it.

“I said, you hear me?”

“Yes, Dan,” Neil replied, his voice laced with lingering anger. Jack didn’t say anything; he just shook Dan off of him and stalked towards the locker room.

Neil shrugged the hands from his shoulders and followed after Aaron and Matt. Before he could get very far, though, the press intercepted him. A microphone was shoved into his face as cameras all around him flashed.

“Neil Josten! Is it true you sustained major memory loss after the car accident? How would you say that affected your relationship with your team?”

Neil should keep walking, he really should.

Neil stopped and turned his glare on the reporter, who looked pleased to have his attention. He didn’t know who leaked his amnesia to the press, but he was sick of this. The reporter didn’t seem deterred by his withering glare, but Neil knew he could make it even more venomous.

“Do none of you have anything better to do than pry into people’s lives? Is your life really that shitty? Like, I get it. It must be real fucking boring, sitting around your house all day waiting for a good story, but you vultures need to get some friends and leave me the hell alone.”

Kevin snatched at Neil’s jersey to pull him away but Neil wasn’t done. He shook out of Kevin’s grip. The reporter’s mouth hung wide open as she stared at Neil in shock. “If your career really sucks that bad that you need to ask questions about something that happened weeks ago, you need to get with it because that’s old news by now. Do you seriously get off on other people’s pain? I’m sick of all of you and your damn questions. You bloodsuckers can go fuck yourselves and get these cameras out of my face.”

Neil let Kevin pull him away then, not bothering to turn around and see the damage he caused. When he got to the locker room, Neil went straight to his duffel and dug around for his clothes. He wouldn’t look at anyone. His anger was still radiating off of him in hot waves.

He wanted to hit something, punch Jack again, put a dent in the locker, anything. Neil’s body trembled with the effort to keep his movements in check and non-violent as he yanked the clean clothes and a towel out and zipped his duffel back up.

When he straightened, Andrew was waiting at the end of the bench with his arms folded across his chest and an unimpressed look on his face. Neil ignored it and brushed past him to get to the showers. Jack didn’t say a word; he kept shooting scowls from across the room instead.

Neil didn’t say anything at all while the Foxes loaded up onto the bus. He sat in the row in front of Andrew’s and stared out the darkened window the entire ride home.

Chapter Text

Neil had been awake for hours, tracing the pattern of cracks reaching across the ceiling with his eyes, his hands folded across his stomach while he lay on his back. The sun filtered in from the window, casting long tendrils of light across the room and catching the dust floating in the air.

Neil breathed in. Breathed out.

After the game last night with Binghamton, the Foxes didn’t stick around for very long. When they reached Palmetto and unpacked the bus, Neil just wanted to go up to his dorm and go to bed. He really didn’t feel like going out to Columbia with the others for drinks, but he also didn’t feel safe alone in the dark dorm room.

The Upperclassmen stayed behind, but Neil tagged along with Andrew and his group to Eden’s. Andrew made Kevin stick to his promise and kept him from getting shitfaced, and Nicky and Aaron nursed the loss at the table before disappearing in the crowd for a couple of minutes. They didn’t stay for very long; they’d arrived late and no one really felt like dancing.

Neil sulked at the table with Andrew and Kevin, occasionally taking sips from his water before he glared out at the crowd around him. Even though he was in a foul mood, this trip to Eden’s was a lot better than his last one.

The last call for drinks went out and Andrew snatched a couple more whiskeys and shots of vodka for him, Aaron, and Nicky to down before they got ready to go.

Back at the house, Neil tried to sleep on the armchair in the living room, but it was impossible. He couldn’t stop thinking about the game. All of his faults and fumbles, how he could have done better. He wondered if Ichirou saw the game. No, that wasn’t the right question.

He wondered when Ichirou would contact him about it.

Eventually, Neil gave up and wandered upstairs, careful to not disturb Kevin snoring soundly on the couch. He knocked on Andrew’s door before opening it as quietly as he could. Andrew’s eyes had been open when Neil stepped in, but they were unfocused and groggy from sleep. Neil probably woke him when he opened the door. Andrew didn’t tell Neil to get out when he settled on the floor beside the bed, only tossed a blanket at him and told him to go to sleep.

Now that it was morning, Neil felt less scared than he did in the dark, but his body still felt cold with fear. Fear of the game, fear of how he played, and fear of how Ichirou was going to react to it.

Screams coming from downstairs ripped Neil from his reverie.

He jumped to his feet, ignoring the dizziness that attacked his head from the sudden movement, just as Andrew yanked off his blankets and lunged for the door with a knife already in hand.

Neil followed Andrew down the stairs, taking two at a time and barely avoiding tripping down them. Kevin was rousing from his spot on the couch, blinking blearily from behind the pillows, but Neil could hear loud voices from the kitchen.

He didn’t know what he’d find when he turned the corner. Blood, definitely. A body, maybe.

He didn’t expect to see Nicky with a mess of glass shards and coffee at his feet, his eyes stretched wide in horror as Aaron waved around a knife and a piece of paper clutched in his fist in the air. There wasn’t a body, not even blood. The only mess was the coffee on the floor that Nicky had clearly dropped.

Aaron rounded on Neil as soon as he saw him. He shoved the paper to Neil’s chest. “Care to explain what the fuck this is?”

Neil looked at the paper and his stomach bottomed out.

“Why the fuck did I come downstairs this morning to see this stabbed into the fucking wall, Josten?”

Neil didn’t know what to say. The words on the page started to blur as the rest of the room faded out, all the yelling and chaos paled compared to the note. Andrew plucked it from Neil’s fingers to read, but Neil already had the entire thing burned into his mind.

Careful, Wesninski. You do not have room for any more slip-ups. This is your last warning before I cut you off at the knees. Do not disappoint me. You cannot afford to.

The note wasn’t signed, but it didn’t need to be. The threat was clear.

Aaron’s hands shoving at Neil’s shoulder brought him back to the present. His face was contorted and angry. The only reason he hadn’t hit Neil again was because of the human wall in the shape of Andrew Minyard that forced its way between them.

“Neil, what’s going on?” Nicky asked, his voice wavering and his eyes scared.

“Nicky, check the locks on the door. The windows too,” Andrew ordered, pointing at Nicky. Nicky didn’t move; he looked torn between listening to Andrew and staying for an explanation.

“Ichirou Moriyama,” Kevin’s weak voice answered so Neil didn’t have to struggle for words. “That’s what that is, isn’t it?”

Neil turned to find Kevin, pale and stressed out in the doorway. He raised his phone in the air, his hand trembling. “He says your failure is my failure, too.”

“Why are the Moriyamas sending you two threats?” Aaron asked, his voice low and dangerous.

“We’re his investments,” Neil said vaguely when it was clear Aaron wasn’t going to take silence for an answer. His head was spinning and he couldn’t tell if the words were really leaving his mouth or not. “How well we play determines if we get to live. Ichirou made it clear that I was on thin ice. That was never supposed to extend to Kevin.”

“So, what, you sold yourself off to the fucking Yakuza? And didn’t think that was an important thing to bring up with rest of the team?” Aaron shouted, his face twisting with hate. “This kind of affects all of us and you had no right to keep that from us.”

“Since fucking when do I owe you anything?” Neil snarled, snapping out of his frightened haze. Andrew had a hand on his chest, preventing him from getting closer to Aaron, but Neil sure as hell tried anyway.

“Since your dumbass actions affect the rest of the team.”

“What, scared that the bad guy is going to slit your throat while you sleep? This isn’t about you, get your fucking head out of your ass.”

“Fuck you. You may not care that you’re putting the rest of us in danger too, but I do. This is last year all over again. Who do you think is going to get hurt because of your loud mouth?”

Neil’s mouth clamped shut. Nicky glanced from Neil to Aaron like he was watching an intense tennis match and Kevin was quickly turning green in the face like he was going to be sick. Andrew’s hand dropped from Neil’s chest to his side, but Neil didn’t move. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. “What?”

“Right, ‘cause your memory loss or whatever,” Aaron said with venomous derision. “Remember what happened to Seth because you couldn’t keep your big fucking mouth shut? Or –”

“Aaron,” Andrew warned.

Aaron ignored him. “– or to Andrew? You seriously don’t remember last year’s winter banquet, when you said Riko set Andrew up, do you?” Aaron’s glare could have flayed Neil alive.

Neil felt sick. Aaron was right. Neil put all the Foxes in danger just by being there. It didn’t matter that he didn’t lead Ichirou right to them, he already knew where they all were.

“Don’t you fucking dare say this isn’t about us when we’re the collateral damage.”

“Neil,” Nicky whispered just as Andrew started to pull Neil away from the kitchen.

Neil jolted away. “No,” he said.

Neil turned, intending to run from the room and put as much distance between himself and everyone else, and smacked right into Kevin. The hit wasn’t hard but it still drove the last of Neil’s breath from his lungs. Kevin was looking at Neil with the same fear that Neil felt clutching his heart. Neil dodged past him and took the stairs two at a time to the bathroom. He just barely bent over the toilet in time to dry heave into it.

Aaron had no reason to lie to Neil, especially not about something like that. And he didn’t need to either, because Neil remembered it. The worst part was that Neil thought he might have known it all along, buried somewhere deep in the back of his mind so he didn’t have to face it. He knew he was responsible. Ichirou might as well have staked the knife through Neil’s ribs instead of the kitchen wall.

Neil slumped to his knees.

God, how could the Foxes even look at him? Guilt twisted inside his stomach like a burning hot knife slicing him from his chin to his gut. Neil wasn’t sure if he could face the Foxes ever again. And Andrew. Andrew should have let him run that first day in the hospital.

A knock on the bathroom door startled Neil from his spot on the ground beside the toilet. Neil didn’t have time to lock the door before he doubled over the toilet, so Nicky just eased it open and peeked inside. “Neil?” he said.

Neil, Nicky called him. He might as well have called him Alex, or Chris, or any of those other names that belonged to a boy that didn’t exist.

Nicky’s face scrunched up with concern as he knelt down by Neil. “Are you okay?”

Neil swallowed the bitter taste left-over in his throat. He nodded. “I’m fine. I just don’t feel too good. I think I might go lay down for a bit.”

“You do that. Andrew took Aaron on a drive, mentioned something about grabbing food for breakfast. You can use his room while he’s out, I’m sure he won’t mind,” Nicky said gently, like Neil was a scared child that needed consoling after a nightmare. This whole goddamn thing was a nightmare.

Neil didn’t understand how Nicky could look at him like that; like he was concerned for Neil’s well-being. Neil had ruined things for him, gotten Andrew hurt, and nearly destroyed Nicky’s team yet Nicky was somehow still able to look at Neil like he cared. He didn’t deserve it.

Nicky helped Neil up from the bathroom floor, holding him carefully like Neil was made of fractured glass, and led him to Andrew’s open bedroom although Neil could have walked by himself just fine.

“If you need anything, call me and I’ll be right here. Okay?”

Neil nodded. He already knew he wasn’t going to call Nicky. He wasn’t going to get anyone else involved anymore.

Nicky smiled, his eyes still wrinkled at the corners like he thought Neil was about to shatter. He backed out of the room and closed it behind him.

Immediately, Neil locked the door and started to pace the room.

He needed to get his duffel bag. His binder didn’t have as much money than it used to – from the Maserati, Neil remembered – but Neil knew where Mary stashed the rest of it. He could stop in Minnesota and Idaho, maybe circle back to Pennsylvania and meet up with one of Mary’s contacts. He’d get a new fake ID, a new name, a new face with fake contacts and hair dye. Then he could get a plane ticket and leave the country as soon as possible. Argentina was a good bet; it was easy to disappear there and while Neil’s Spanish was still rusty, he could learn.

The only problem was the FBI. There was no doubt they’d be tracking Neil’s movements still. If he got on a train as soon as possible and got that fake identity, Neil could probably throw them off his trail. He had no doubt that he could do it. It was just a new face, a new name, a new place. He’d done this twenty-two times before.

He’d never speak to the Foxes ever again, would never see their faces one last time, but this was necessary. Neil was keeping them safe. Ever since he came to Palmetto, he was putting them in danger. He was eliminating that threat the best way he knew how – running.

Neil was out the door and down the stairs before he could even think about stopping. Neil decided to skip going back to Palmetto completely. Not having his duffel and binder full of contacts and money was a huge loss, but Neil would manage. Andrew and Aaron had been gone for twenty-five minutes. They could be back any minute now so Neil only had a small window to escape before Andrew realized he was gone. By the time anyone noticed he hadn’t come back, he would already be on a train to Pennsylvania.

Kevin was on the couch with his head in his hands when Neil came downstairs. Nicky was still in the kitchen but he looked over when he heard Neil’s frantic descent down the stairs. Kevin looked up the same moment Nicky opened his mouth to say something, but Neil cut him off.

“I’m going for a run. Be back in a few,” he said. It wasn’t a complete lie. He was going for a run. He just didn’t intend on coming back at all.

“Hey, I don’t think that’s a good idea –” The door slammed behind Neil before Nicky could finish his sentence.

As soon as he was out the door and down the porch steps, Neil was running. He reached a full sprint within seconds, dodging a man walking his dog and a basketball hoop on the sidewalk. He nearly lost his balance when he turned a corner and narrowly avoided slamming into someone on a bicycle.

The cold February air whipped around his face, stinging his eyes and cheeks and making every breath inhaled like a shard of glass in his lungs. Every time Neil’s feet hit the pavement, it sent a prickly jolt up his legs, making him run faster, faster, faster.

He didn’t know his way around the neighborhood, but it didn’t matter. When he felt he could slow down enough without letting his demons catch up to him, he could ask for directions.

Neil heard his mother’s voice in his head for the first time in weeks telling him to never stop running, berating him for settling down in the first place. That was stupid, Abram, you can never have a normal life. Not when you’re not a normal boy. Keep running.

A car pulled out in front of Neil, making him skid to a sudden halt to avoid getting hit. The man rolled down the window and squinted at Neil from the driver’s seat. He was older, with small watery eyes lined with years’ of wrinkles. “Are you okay, son?” he asked kindly.

No. No, he wasn’t. Neil steadied his breathing and smoothed the panic from his face the best he could, “Do you know where the nearest bus stop is? I think I’m a little lost.”

Neil tried to smile, but he wasn’t sure if he succeeded. The old man didn’t seem to mind. He gave Neil the directions he needed and waved at him with no more than a confused expression as Neil jogged away.

The bus stop wasn’t very far, but a bus wouldn’t be coming for another hour and a half. Neil cursed. He could find another stop or even try his hand at hitchhiking, but he didn’t have the time to get someone to stop and then convince them to take him where he needed. He decided to call a taxi, a last-ditch resort Neil would have preferred not to take, but he didn’t have a choice.

He pulled out his phone and dialed a number he found by google search, and within minutes he was getting into the yellow cab.

The driver gave Neil an odd look, probably for his disheveled appearance or the last traces of desperation on his face, but didn’t ask any questions. Neil told him to take him to the nearest train station and offered to pay extra if he hurried.

He looked at the phone in his hand, wondering why he took it with him, before he popped the back open and took the battery pack out. Neil was about to roll down the window and throw the remnants of his phone out, but something stopped him.

Andrew would hate him forever. He’d never forgive him, if he left it like this. The thought somehow hurt more than anything Neil had felt in the past hour. It shouldn’t have bothered him. He shouldn’t have cared what Andrew would think of him, not when he’d never see Andrew again.

Neil’s heart squeezed. Mary’s voice screamed in his head, but it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the memory of Andrew whispering stay.

Neil’s hands fumbled when he put the battery back in his phone and powered it on. Several missed calls from Nicky and even more frantic text messages loaded on the screen. Only one text and missed call were from Andrew.

The text said where the fuck are you? Neil texted back a slow i’m ok with shaky fingers and pressed send. Then he turned his phone back off and tapped it against his thigh.

He should leave, he really should. There was so much tying Neil here and so much he could have ripped away from him. It seemed easier to give that all up rather than lose it against his will. If he ran, he was protecting his Foxes by leading Ichirou away. But if he stayed, he’d get to keep their easy friendship and acceptance, something Neil never thought for a million years he’d be able to have, let alone keep.

The first train out of Columbia left in fifteen minutes, giving Neil just enough time to get to the station, buy a ticket, and disappear through the sliding doors. He should board the train and never look back. But that’s not what he wanted.

Neil wanted to stay.

He motioned to get the taxi driver’s attention. The driver flicked him an irritated look through the rear-view mirror.

“I changed my mind,” Neil said. “Take me to Palmetto State University.”

By the time Andrew, Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron made it back to Fox Tower an hour and a half later, Neil had already been chewed out by Dan, Allison, and Wymack.

They didn’t know the extent of Neil making plans to leave the country or the whole business with Ichirou, but they knew enough from Andrew through Renee that Neil had tried to run that morning. Neil didn’t know how to explain to them, didn’t know how to tell them that he didn’t want to run, not exactly.

Neil flinched when the door to the dorm slammed against the wall as Andrew threw it open. He raked a glare across the Upperclassmen who had refused to leave Neil alone, even for just a second, until it landed on Neil.

He was angry, no furious, Neil could tell. His entire body was tense and poised for a fight and his eyes held a spark of rage that Andrew usually didn’t allow anyone to see. “Get out,” he snapped at the others. His tone left no room for argument.

Dan led the others out of the room with one last backwards glance. Neil waved her off without taking his eyes off of the most important thing in the room. When Allison closed the door behind her, Andrew strode across the room with thunderous footsteps until he was standing toe-to-toe with Neil.

“Andrew –” Neil started.

“No,” Andrew snarled. Neil grimaced. “Did you think I was lying when I said I was going to protect you? Did you think I was going to let you get hurt? I keep my fucking promises, Neil.”

“Andrew –”

“Do you know what I found when Aaron and I got back to the house?” Andrew didn’t let Neil answer before he continued, “Nicky freaking out because you said you’d be back but you were gone for thirty minutes already and you weren’t answering your phone. You were gone, Neil. Without a word.”

“I’m sorry –” Neil attempted.

“Shut up,” Andrew snapped. His hands were curled into white-knuckled fists by his side, trembling with restrained violence, but Neil knew Andrew would never hit him. The wall, maybe. He shattered a window with his fist, once.

Neil started to move, slow enough that Andrew could ward him off if he wanted to, and hovered his hand over Andrew’s closed fists to prevent him from punching something and hurting himself. When Andrew didn’t make a move to push him away, Neil carefully curled his hand over Andrew’s.

“I knew you would protect me,” he said. Andrew wouldn’t look at him, his eyes were trained on the wall behind Neil’s shoulder. “That’s why I left. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

Andrew shook his head. “Still a fucking martyr. I’ve told you before that I don’t need you to protect me.”

“But I’m going to anyway, so you better get used to it.”

“Idiot.” Andrew maneuvered his hand out of Neil’s until he could grab hold of the sides of Neil’s shirt with both his hands. They had stopped shaking enough to feel like they stood on stable ground. Andrew finally met Neil’s eyes.

Andrew didn’t like being vulnerable in front of people, Neil knew. He understood it, too. Being so exposed in front of someone, stripped bare with all your emotions laid out on the table was more terrifying than not. Andrew’s face smoothed away into that usual calm expression but a testament to how much Neil’s disappearing act affected him was in the way he clutched at Neil like he thought Neil might vanish underneath his hands.

“You left,” Andrew said. There was no bothering denying it, the whole team knew it was true. Andrew more than the rest.

He did leave. He also planned on never coming back, never contacting the Foxes again. Picking up without a trace and being whisked away like cigarette smoke in the wind. He wouldn’t tell Andrew otherwise. Neil didn’t want to lie to him anymore.

Without breaking eye contact, Neil hovered his hands over Andrew’s shoulders, waiting for permission to touch. When he nodded, Neil trailed his fingers along the collar of Andrew’s shirt, just barely touching the skin of his neck. Andrew shivered at the brief contact. “I came back,” he whispered.

Chapter Text

When Neil had finally calmed down enough and Andrew was ready to leave the dorm two-hours later, he told the Foxes about his deal with Ichirou. Neil would be lying if he wasn’t trying to put it off for as long as possible, but the team deserved to know. The thought of them waiting for him in the girl’s room was enough for Neil to force himself through the door, Andrew behind him. When Nicky opened the door at Neil’s perfunctory knock, he found Matt and the girls were squeezed on one couch with the freshmen scattered around them.

At Neil’s entrance, the room went quiet and Neil had twelve pairs of eyes trained on him. Kevin was the only one not watching Neil; he sat between Aaron and an empty seat on the other couch that Neil assumed was Nicky’s, his hands gripping his hair as he stared down at his knees with an ashen face.

“He’s been like that pretty much since this morning,” Nicky explained when Neil kept staring. Neil opened his mouth to respond when someone interrupted him.

“Is anyone going to explain what’s going on?”

Neil dragged his gaze to one of the freshmen sitting on the floor. He was the offensive dealer and while he could still use some work on his technique, he wasn’t terrible.

The Foxes were waiting for Neil to explain, to tell his story, and wasn’t that familiar. Neil cleared his throat and began, starting with the deal with Ichirou and the consequences of it. He told them about the conditions Neil and Kevin – and Jean – had to adhere to in order to keep their lives. Failure to do so would result in termination.

He was still unsure about some of the details, but Andrew helped him out from time to time. Kevin didn’t say much of anything, but when Neil got to the incident that happened this morning, his breathing grew more ragged in the quiet room.

When Neil was finished, he felt like his chest had been scooped clean and all the words he had in him were gone. All of his secrets and lies were out in the open. Neil didn’t think he had ever been so truthful, except maybe the time he told the FBI and then the Foxes about his father and his life on the run.

“So…” Jack began, face twisted like he smelled something bad. Neil mentally prepared himself. “You’re still involved in the mafia?”

“It’s not like I have much of a choice,” Neil snapped. He didn’t feel like fighting with the hot-headed freshmen, so he kept his voice otherwise brisk.

“Are we all going to die?” Sheena blurted out. A ripple went through the freshmen. Kevin hunkered down further into the couch as if he hoped it would swallow him whole and make him disappear.

“No,” Dan said. “Nobody’s going to die.”

A low murmur broke out. Jack opened his mouth to say something, angry eyes trained on Neil, but Dan shook her head before he could start an argument.

After that, Dan kicked the freshmen out of the room but Neil didn’t really feel like sticking around, either. He was tired of talking and being around people. After several reassurances that he was okay, Neil helped Andrew haul Kevin up on unsteady feet and bring him back to their room.

Kevin sank into the couch as soon as Andrew and Neil dropped his arms. When he still wouldn’t meet Neil’s eyes or respond to his name, Andrew left them in the living room to make some of Kevin’s tea.

“Kevin,” Neil prompted, tilting his head to try and make Kevin look at him, but Kevin was persistent.

It wasn’t until Kevin had a half-empty cup of tea clasped between his hands when he finally looked up. His eyes were wide and terrified and the black chess piece on his cheek was striking against the pallid color of his bloodless skin. His mouth opened and closed several times before he was able to get a word out. “How do you do this, Neil?” Kevin asked, his voice flaking at the edges as he tried to hold it together.

“I’ve been surviving all my life, Kevin. You get used to the death threats after a while.”

Kevin shook his head. His hands trembled when he ran them through his hair, sending strands in every direction. “It’s like last year all over again. With the threats and the – the pressure. Riko –”

“You survived him. Riko is dead and you survived him, Kevin,” Neil said, trying to keep the harshness out of his voice at the mention of Riko. Kevin didn’t need harsh right now.

“Ichirou was in the house. He got in while we were sleeping, Neil. He could have killed us before anyone even realized.” Kevin stumbled over the words as he tried to get them all out in a rush. He took a shuddering breath and stood up so fast Neil was surprised he didn’t get dizzy. “God, I need a drink –”

Andrew blocked Kevin’s path to the kitchen before he could get any farther than a couple of steps away from the couch at the same moment Neil lunged out of his seat and grabbed Kevin’s arm. “No. You promised you wouldn’t.”

“That was before all of this shit. It’s different now. Just one. I’d feel better if I just have one –”

“Fat chance,” Andrew said, crossing his arms over his chest. He was like a wall that Kevin would never be able to scale; the dam between Kevin and his anxiety.

A choked sound that almost sounded like a plea left Kevin’s lips. “We’re going to die. We’re all going to die. Shit. Shit –”

Kevin’s breathing quickened until he was gasping for air. He swayed on his feet and if it weren’t for the hand Neil had braced on his arm, he would have toppled over completely. Neil tugged at Kevin’s shirt until he slumped back down into his seat on the couch.

“Kevin, listen to me. We’re going to make it through, okay? It was just one game. We can recover,” Neil said, but he wasn’t sure if he believed it himself. Kevin’s panic was an earthquake that came off him in waves and Neil was doing his best to avoid the aftershocks.

Sensing what Neil and Kevin both needed, Andrew shooed Neil away. “Go to the bedroom. I’ll be there when Kevin calms down.”

He was telling Neil to leave before he worked himself up, too. Neil nodded and retreated. He didn’t think he could stand waiting in the darkness and the light was already fading outside, so he turned on the lights to banish the shadows around him, leaving a trail of light through the dorm.

Neil closed the door behind himself and paced the room. The yellow lighting made everything look stretched and fake like plastic. Neil squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could. It hurt his head so Neil sat down at the chair at his desk and pulled his knees up to his chest. He felt pressure in his lungs, but exhaustion won over panic and Neil was able to keep it restrained. He couldn’t lose it when Kevin was having a mental breakdown in the room over.

The walls were thin so it wasn’t hard to hear Andrew’s low words and Kevin’s occasional responses. After a while, the dorm fell silent. Neil lost track of the minutes ticking by but by the time Andrew opened the door, the world outside was completely dark.

“How’s Kevin?” Neil asked. Andrew being in the room was enough for Neil to gather his bearings.

Andrew sat on the edge of his bed to take off his shoes and shrugged. “He fell asleep after his third cup of tea. I checked to make sure there aren’t any drinks in the fridge, but it’s empty.”

Neil nodded slowly, chewing on his lip in thought.

Kevin didn’t like to talk about it, but he always craved alcohol more when he was stressed. An image of Kevin strewn out on the ground with vomit and saliva dribbling down his chin flashed in Neil’s subconscious. Neil squinted at nothing as he tried to call the memory back. It was during the summer before Neil’s sophomore year, several months after Riko’s death.

He and Andrew found Kevin on the ground when they got back to the dorm from a midnight drive to nowhere. Neil remembered helping Kevin into a sitting position to clean him up, but Kevin was absolutely incoherent. Andrew forced him to go to Betsy after that and she referred him to a person who could help. It was a rocky road to recovery from there, but Kevin was willing and he never let himself get that bad again.

Remembering something after such a long day made Neil’s headache come back full swing. It wasn’t nearly late enough to go to bed, but Neil didn’t care. “I think I’m going to take a nap,” he said, standing from the chair he was curled up in.

“Do you want me to stay with you or go?”

“Stay.”

Andrew nodded and toed out of his shoes. Neil changed into sweatpants and flicked the lights off. He was about to climb the ladder to his bunk when Andrew caught his wrist and pulled him to his own bed.

Surprised, Neil went willingly as Andrew scooted back to make room for Neil on the small bed. Neil was taller than Andrew which made it a little awkward when Andrew curled around him, but the warmth of Andrew’s chest pressed into Neil’s back more than made up for it. Neil could feel Andrew’s heartbeat against his skin, even through the layers of fabric between them, anchoring him to the present.

All the anxiety and stress Neil had been feeling the past couple days drained out of him, flushed out by Andrew’s strong arms around him and Andrew’s rhythmic breathing tickling the hair at the back of his head from where his face was pressed into Neil’s neck. Neil deflated into the mattress with a long exhale and let himself relax against Andrew.

It wasn’t long until Neil’s eyes started to droop shut and his breathing evened out.

It was several days after Neil received the threatening note from Ichirou and Neil was feeling restless.

He and Kevin had finished their night practice just past eleven, but after Kevin and Andrew were sound asleep in their beds, Neil crept out of the dorm to once again find himself at the Foxhole Court.

He was barely out of breath after his jog there, but Neil still took a couple minutes to sit on the bench in the inner court after he rounded up the equipment. He only wore his helmet and gloves, trading his hoodie and joggers for the rest of his gear since there was no backliner to slam him into the Plexiglas.

Neil breathed in.

He had until February 16th, two more days, before the Foxes played their first game after the disastrous match against Binghamton. It was also the start of the death matches. Neil and Kevin had been watching previous games religiously the past couple days, analyzing every detail and every bit of footwork to compare notes and discuss with the other afterward. This was the Foxes shot for redemption. It was just one lost game. The Foxes still had a chance. Neil and Kevin still had a chance.

Neil breathed out.

Not bothering to stretch and warm up since his muscles were still pliant and flexible after the rigorous practice with Kevin, Neil skipped straight to the inner court for drills. He rolled a ball toward him and flicked it up with his racquet. He thought for a moment, which drills to do, which shots to take. Neil imagined the whistles from the referees and the sound of feet running up the court.

He walked a considering arc around the goal, ball in one hand and racquet in the other. He was about to take a shot when the door to the court opened, startling him from his strategy. Neil jumped and whipped around to see who it was, his heart thumping in his chest, but it was only Andrew.

Andrew looked sleep rumpled with his hair sticking up at odd ends and his eyes squinting in the bright glare of the stadium lights. “It’s one in the morning, Neil,” he said.

“Do you wanna get in goal so I can score on you?” Neil asked halfheartedly, motioning to the empty goal box with his racquet.

Andrew glared at him, the impact lessened from his bright orange Palmetto hoodie and the too-long sweatpants he wore, the hems frayed and worn from stepping on them all the time. Neil sighed anyway and followed Andrew off the court.

Neil didn’t bother showering again since he didn’t even get any practice in, but Andrew waited for him to put his helmet and gloves away.

The Maserati, unpredictably, was parked in the parking lot, a black silhouette standing in stark relief from the inky shadows behind it. When Andrew unlocked the door for them to get in, Neil slid into the passenger’s seat and put his seatbelt on. The car came to life with a quiet roar when Andrew turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot.

Neil watched the buildings pass by them, his head leaning on his arm propped up against the window. “I don’t want to go back to the dorm yet,” he said idly.

Andrew didn’t respond but he turned on a random street and circled around until they were driving away from the campus and out of town. Neither of them talked and the radio was turned off so Neil just listened to the sound of the Maserati’s wheels flowing over the smooth asphalt. It was soothing, for the most part, but there was also a vague undercut of anxiety beneath it all.

Neil didn’t think he’d ever remember the hours leading up to the crash when he finally got the last missing bits of his memory back, even if he had Andrew explain. The doctor said that was normal. After such a traumatic head injury it would be extremely unlikely for Neil to remember it.

But he couldn’t help feeling nervous. It was one am, and dark, with no one else on the road. Maybe Neil couldn’t recall the specific details, but a part of him still remembered enough to make him wary, even with the careful way Andrew was driving.

“Neil.”

Neil looked up from the window, not realizing how lost in his thoughts he was until Andrew called his name and offered a hand to pull him out. Andrew flicked a look at him from the corner of his eye.

“I’m okay,” Neil murmured.

They sat in silence for a while, Andrew taking winding turns until they had left the city behind, nothing around except for the long grass on the side of the road and the miles of road ahead of them. Neil was sure they would have gotten lost if it weren’t for Andrew’s perfect memory. The window rattled underneath Neil’s head, jostling him until it grew too uncomfortable and he had to move.

“Do you remember it?” Neil asked some time later. There was no way Andrew could follow Neil’s train of thought leading to the non sequitur. Neil thought he should have clarified but Andrew shot him a look of understanding.

“Everything,” Andrew said. His jaw tightened. Neil had to grab hold of the door to steady himself when Andrew took a sudden turn on a dirt road Neil hadn’t noticed. He slowed down until they came to a full stop in a small clearing devoid of anything but small, scrubby bushes and a couple of trees.

Even though he turned the car off and shoved the keys in his pocket, Andrew still looked out in front of him as if he were driving. The Maserati’s headlights cut into the darkness with the sharpness of a knife, catching the dust swirling in the air and lighting them up like stars. Andrew was quiet for a couple minutes before he began to speak. “I never left the hospital. I only had a concussion and a dislocated shoulder so I didn’t have to stay the night. I stayed in your room anyway.

“You were asleep for six days and I was starting to think you weren’t going to wake up at all.” Andrew’s face was blank except for the furious wrinkle forming between his eyebrows. His fingers clenched and unclenched the wheel convulsively until he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “And then you did wake up but you didn’t remember. I thought I lost you anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered. I’m sorry for not remembering, for the pain I caused you.

Andrew shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

Neil reached for Andrew’s face and smoothed the wrinkles with his fingers when Andrew gave a slight nod of permission. When he moved away, Andrew caught his wrist and pulled him in for a kiss.

Neil fell into it. He leaned forward until the seatbelt dug into his stomach, preventing him from getting any closer. The angle was uncomfortable and Neil could already feel an ache forming from craning his neck forward, but he didn’t care when Andrew positioned his hands in his hair. Neil twined his fingers in the blonde strands as Andrew pressed forward and deepened the kiss.

Andrew released Neil’s wrists after a few minutes and dragged the flats of his palms up Neil’s arms so he could push Neil closer by his shoulders. He tilted his chin to better line up their lips, coaxing an approving hum from Neil. Andrew pulled back and even in the low light, Neil could see his flushed cheeks and already-swollen lips. His pupils were dark and dilated, sending a sharp thrill straight to Neil’s stomach.

Neil unbuckled his seatbelt the exact moment Andrew yanked on his shirt, causing him to scramble over the console and into Andrew’s lap.

The small space was uncomfortable and cramped, their puffs of breath fogging up the windows. It took some maneuvering so Neil wasn’t pressed up against the steering wheel, but he shifted so his knees were bracketing Andrew’s thighs. The seat jolted back when Andrew pressed the button at the side to allow more room, sending Neil toppling forward. Andrew caught him with hands on his chest and twisted his fingers into the fabric he found there.

They exchanged frantic kisses until Neil’s mind and body were putty underneath Andrew’s clever hands and kisses. Neil ditched his hoodie seconds, minutes, hours ago so he was only wearing a thin t-shirt, but Andrew’s hands exploring underneath, tracing scars and the knobs of his spine, kept Neil warm. The familiarity of Andrew’s fingers against his skin almost made him shiver despite the fire laced under his skin.

Neil pulled back and when Andrew chased his lips for another kiss, moved just out of his reach. Andrew stopped and opened his eyes. His chest heaved as he breathed deep and the redness in his face had spread down his neck and under his hoodie. Neil wanted to see how far down it went.

“Do you want to stop?” Andrew asked, breathless from the kisses. A bolt of satisfaction went through Neil.

“No,” Neil said, leaning closer just to move back again before Andrew could meet his lips.

“Neil?”

Neil couldn’t stop the smirk from curving across his mouth. He didn’t miss the way Andrew’s eyes followed the movement of his lips. “Just trying to see if you put more effort into kissing me than you do for Exy.”

Andrew gave a pretty convincing unimpressed look, considering his kiss-bitten lips. “When did you become such a brat?”

Neil hummed and pretended to think. “Just yesterday.”

Andrew rolled his eyes but he trailed his hands down Neil’s back and dug fingers in Neil’s hips, eliciting a surprised intake of breath from Neil. “You are a menace,” he whispered, craning his neck up so his lips brushed Neil’s ear, making goosebumps spread across his skin.

“You like it,” Neil said, his voice hushed. He could feel the redness blooming in his cheeks.

Andrew didn’t disagree. “It’s nearly three,” he said instead.

Neil almost scowled. “Never stopped us before.” He didn’t want to pull away, especially when Andrew started placing sloppy kisses to his jaw and neck.

They had to return to Fox Tower eventually, and the chill from outside was starting to creep into the car’s interior, but Neil thought he could do this all night. Morning classes be damned. Andrew allowed Neil to give him a couple quick pecks to his lips until he shoved him back into the steering wheel.

Neil laughed breathlessly and climbed back into his seat. Andrew kept his hand on Neil’s back, hesitant to break the contact, but let go once Neil was buckled. Neil felt cold without Andrew touching him, but Andrew turned the key in the ignition and the heater came alive with it, chasing the ice away.

Andrew threw the Maserati into drive, punched the gas, and drove them home.

Chapter Text

There was a knock at the door. Frustrated, Neil twisted the pencil in his hands and tried to coax back the focus on his math homework he’d just lost. He was only starting to get into it; finally, the problems were beginning to make sense. They were a puzzle that gave him a thrill of satisfaction every time he found a new piece that fit. Usually Neil was good at math – quick, efficient, but he’d been struggling with this assignment all week.

The knock sounded again, an insistent rapping that chased away what was left of Neil’s concentration. Neil threw down his pencil and watched it bounce off his textbook and roll to the floor. When it landed somewhere near his shoes, he glared at the door and wished whoever was on the other side a slow death.

No one else was here to open the door, so that left the job to Neil. Kevin was at the store for groceries, not trusting his roommates to get food that was ‘actually edible and not something that’ll clog our arteries,’ as Kevin put it. Andrew wouldn’t get the door either, even if he wasn’t taking a nap in the other room.

Just when Neil thought that the person had given up and walked away, the third knock sounded. Sighing, Neil pushed himself up and went to go get it. It was probably Kevin, he’d already forgotten his key twice this month, Neil didn’t put it past him to do it again. He debated leaving him out there, punishment for making Neil lose the motivation to do his homework that he’d been scrounging up to all week.

When Neil unlocked the doorknob, whoever was waiting outside pushed their way in before Neil could even open it himself. Neil braced himself, his mind reeling with thoughts of his father’s men kicking in doors and Ichirou sneaking into houses while the inhabitants slept.

But it wasn’t the mafia knocking on Neil’s door. It was Dan, looking as she always did with her messy curls and determination in her eyes.

“Dan?” Neil asked, bemused. “Is everything alright?”

“We’re going out to lunch,” she replied. When Neil just stared at her she blew her curls out of her face and smiled that familiar grin of hers. It was a little early for lunch, but Neil decided to stop the complaint at the tip of his tongue when his stomach growled a reminder that he skipped breakfast that morning. Dan gave him a knowing look and shooed him away to get ready.

Bewildered, Neil made his way to the bedroom and snuck in, careful not to wake Andrew who was still nestled in a bundle of pillows and blankets on his bed. The only indication that anyone was under the pile at all was the tufts of blonde hair poking out near the pillows and the quiet snores that told Neil that Andrew was having a good nap. Neil paused in pulling a clean shirt and jeans out of his drawer when he realized Andrew had his blanket as well. Neil huffed. He’d have to steal it back when he and Dan were done with lunch.

Neil shucked off his t-shirt and threw it in the direction of his other dirty clothes. When he turned around, he found Andrew blinking sleepily in the dim light.

“You’re loud,” Andrew mumbled, his voice scratchy from sleep. Something warm bloomed in Neil’s chest. He considered the strange sensation before he grimaced in apology.

“Sorry,” he whispered back, trading his sweatpants for the jeans. “I’m going to lunch with Dan so I’ll be back in a few.”

Andrew squinted up at Neil in consideration before his eyes drifted down to Neil’s bare chest. Neil stilled as he looked for a minute before nodding in sleepy appreciation and curling up further under the stolen blankets. He was asleep by the time Neil was finished dressing.

Neil left the bedroom to find Dan waiting for him to be done. “Come on, slow-poke. I want to be back before afternoon practice,” she said, already on her way out the door.

There was a slight bounce to Dan’s step as she led them out of Fox Tower. She’d been elated since the Foxes won the last two game of the death match, knocking out Belmonte and UT. The Foxes had run themselves ragged against the Longhorns last Saturday, but it was worth it when they came out on top with a score of 5-9.

If Neil was being honest with himself, he didn’t think he could feel excited about their success until they played their game against Penn State. Two more death match games, and then the last two games of semi-finals. Depending on how many points the Foxes racked up in those games – if they even make it through the death matches – they would be moving on to finals or they would drop out in round three.

Luckily for the Foxes, Edgar Allen and USC were both in the odds bracket for the death match. They’ll face each other next week and only one of them would be moving on to Finals, meaning the Foxes would only have to play two of the big three for the chance to take the Championships again.

The Foxes have to win four more games and Neil and Kevin have to overperform in order for Ichirou to consider sparing their lives. So far, so good. But Neil could never be too careful.

“Earth-to-Neil.” Dan snapped her fingers in Neil’s face, breaking him from his thoughts of winning and losing and life and death. “There’s this café across campus that I want to go to. I was going to go with Matt but he had to make up a test. You down?”

“Sure,” Neil said. He knew the café Dan was talking about. It was more of a retro diner like the ones Neil and his mother had slipped into during their years on the run. Even when they were nearly empty in the middle of the night, the greasy diners provided acceptable cover for Neil and Mary to hide in. Plus, no one ever asked any questions in those kinds of places. But the Fox Café was considerably newer and cleaner than all those other diners. Neil remembered going with Andrew at the beginning of the school year one night, but he wasn’t going to tell Dan he’d already been before. “Am I your replacement date?” Neil asked instead.

Dan scoffed. “Please. You’re too short for me, totally not my type. And anyway, this is business. Cap to Vice-Cap-Soon-to-be-Cap.”

“Shouldn’t you wait to see if I’m still going to be around next year before we talk about me being captain?” Neil asked wryly before he could stop himself. Dan’s grin slid of her face. Neil was surprised at the stab of guilt he felt in his stomach.

Dan pressed her lips in a thin line and started on the five-minute walk to the café. She regrouped quickly though, and turned back to Neil. “We’ve been winning our games so far, and we’re going to keep winning. Binghamton was a fluke. After we have the championship trophy, Ichirou won’t have any reason to hurt you.”

Neil hummed, not able to bring himself to meet Dan’s eyes. If Neil failed, he wasn’t going to just hurt Neil. He wasn’t going to receive a simple slap on the wrist and a demand to do better next time. This was it for him.

“I’m serious. We’re going to win this, Neil. And you’re going to be captain next year and win it all over again.”

“What if Ichirou decides he’s done with me anyway? Even if we win, there’s no guarantee he’ll keep me as an investment. I might be more trouble than I’m worth,” Neil said, finally voicing the thought that had been eating at him for weeks.

Dan stopped walking. When Neil realized she wasn’t by his side anymore, he turned around to find his captain with a furiously resolute look on her face. Nothing in the world could make Dan budge when she wore that expression. “It doesn’t matter, we’re not giving you up so easily. Ichirou can go fuck himself for all I care. We’re Foxes, and if he wants one of us, he has to go through all of us because Foxes don’t go down without a fight,” she said with the unbreakable confidence she would have needed to lead the Foxes all these years.

In that moment, Neil couldn’t help but admire Dan Wilds. She stood tall no matter the insults flung at her, from opponents and teammates alike. Not once did she give up or stand down. She was the strength of the team, the fire, the force that drove the Foxes to triumph. Now Neil wasn’t thinking about if he’d be captain next year, but how.

“You do realize that we aren’t going to let the Moriyamas take you so easily, right? You’re family, Neil. No matter what,” Dan said, her voice several shades quieter but lacking none of the steel from before.

Neil had to swallow several times before he could speak. “I know,” he managed to say around the lump in his throat.

Dan nodded in satisfaction and tugged on Neil’s arm. Neil could see the diner up a head and luckily, it didn’t seem to be too busy considering it was a Tuesday and classes should be getting out. When they were seated, the waitress set out menus in front of them and then left with their drink orders.

“So…” Dan started. Neil looked up from the pasta section on the menu and found her studying him. “You’re going to be captain next year and – don’t give me that look, Neil Josten, we just went through this – how do you feel? Are you ready for it?”

Neil decided to let himself think of the future, if only to humor Dan. He pushed the imminent threat hanging over his head to the back of his mind and pretended that he was going to become captain of the Palmetto State Foxes no matter what. He took a deep breath and said, “Honestly? I don’t even know where to start. Even without the whole amnesia thing, I have no idea what I’m doing. Most of the freshmen don’t even like me.”

“They’ll listen to you,” Dan said as if it were a fact. “And if they don’t want to, then that’s their problem. You don’t realize it, Neil, but people look to you to know what to do. How much do you remember from last year?”

Neil tilted his head to the side and stopped himself from rubbing at the scar on his head. “Most of it, I think. Some memories are still blurry, but I don’t think there are any more gaps.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Dan smiled in genuine delight. “And that means you remember how the team rallied around you last year. We were so divided, before you came along. Even after everything that happened, the Foxes were the most united last year when you pulled us together.”

“I…” Neil trailed off. He’d never thought of it like that. When he told Dan as much, she kicked him in the shin under the table, not quite hard enough for it to hurt.

“You are going to be a great captain, Neil. And if you need help, you have my number. Use it.”

The waitress came back with their drinks before Neil could respond. Dan thanked her when she set their drinks down to take out a pad of paper and a pen and asked if they knew what they wanted to eat.

Neil sipped at his water and let himself tentatively hope.

Several weeks later, the rest of the team had already deserted the locker room by the time Neil was done stuffing all his gear in his duffel bag. Neil had expected to be alone but when he zipped up his bag and turned around, Andrew was leaning against the other lockers with his arms crossed over his chest. His expression was calm and his posture relaxed. He let Neil look his fill before he turned away in a silent request for Neil to follow.

They’d won the last of the death matches and wracked up seven points in the game against the Terrapins. Tomorrow, Palmetto will play Penn State. They needed eight more points in order to secure their spot in Championships. Neil had spent the past couple nights tossing and turning thinking about it. While most people thought of Edgar Allen or USC, Penn State was still one of the highest ranked teams in the nation. Championship title or no Championship title, the Foxes would have to work hard in the game tomorrow. That thought alone was enough to make Neil lose sleep.

When Andrew and Neil made their way to where the rest of the team was waiting by the bus, Andrew snagged Neil’s duffel and went to throw it in with the rest of the luggage under the bus. Neil inclined his head gratefully and went to save their usual seat.

Even though the game wasn’t until tomorrow, Wymack wanted the team to have plenty of rest before the game so they were driving to Pennsylvania early. A cheap motel was booked so they wouldn’t have to sleep on the bus, and while Neil and Andrew were rooming with Kevin and Nicky, Neil was grateful for the extra rest. He didn’t want to have to worry about playing one of the most important games of the season after spending all day riding in a cramped bus.

Neil passed the front rows on his way to the back. Kevin shot him a look when Neil went by, but Neil ignored him. Usually when the Foxes drove to a game, Neil would sit with the rest of the strikers and talk about different strategies, but today Neil just wanted to spend as much time with Andrew as possible.

Once the bus was all loaded up and the team was situated, Wymack started the bus and pulled out of the parking lot. Andrew stared quietly out the window for the first hour of the ride while Neil watched him. With all the craziness of practice and games and classes, Neil and Andrew were left with very little time for just the two of them. They’d stolen moments here and there, quick, frantic kisses in the locker room after everyone else had left and a couple of minutes on the roof at night sharing a cigarette before they succumbed to sleep, but Neil still found himself craving the simple comfort of just being in Andrew’s presence.

“Staring,” Andrew pointed out without turning away from the window. When Neil only hummed in agreement, Andrew sighed in faux-exasperation and reached for Neil. When Andrew directed Neil’s head to his shoulder, Neil started in surprise before he melted into his side.

The hours of sleep Neil lost to worrying about the upcoming game finally caught up to him and Neil fell asleep against Andrew’s shoulder. He was just barely holding onto consciousness when Andrew placed his hand in Neil’s hair and kept it there.

Neil didn’t wake up until they were at the motel, and even then, he didn’t wake up until Andrew shoved him off his shoulder. Neil opened his eyes and glared but Andrew shrugged unapologetically.

“I was tired of you drooling all over my shirt,” Andrew said in explanation. Neil huffed and got up.

There was still several hours of daylight left until it started getting dark, so after they were done lugging their bags to their room, Nicky suggested they invited the other Foxes over and order takeout.

“I saw a Chinese place on the way here and I’m craving chow mein,” he said, rolling his eyes at Kevin’s disgruntled look at the mention of unhealthy food. “Don’t worry, Kev. I’m sure they have something there for you, too.”

Andrew didn’t seem to care what they did, but Neil thought spending the rest of the day with his team was a good idea. Nicky told Dan and Dan announced it to the rest of the Foxes. Within ten minutes, everyone was crammed in one of the small motel rooms, sprawled across the bed and scattered across the floor. Robin and Nicky were even perched on the coffee table.

When the food got there and the chaos of passing the cartons of orange chicken and chow mein around and arguing over who got the last of it was done with, Neil tucked into his fried rice. Most of the team chatted about this and that, but Neil was content to just sit back and watch.

After an hour, Andrew left to go to their room. Neil watched him go but decided to leave him be. He didn’t expect Andrew to stay the whole night and he knew Andrew tired quickly of social interaction after a while, so Neil wasn’t concerned. Andrew being there even for a little bit was enough. Neil turned back to the argument Dan and Allison were having about different celebrities and chimed in occasionally, even though he didn’t really know who they were talking about.

A movie about a fish trying to find his son that Renee found playing on one of the staticky channels was playing on the old TV. When Nicky noticed Neil was watching, he launched into a discussion about Disney movies. Neil remembered seeing a couple of them during movie nights, but he just let Nicky talk. Eventually Matt mentioned something, and even Robin commented on one of the movies Nicky was chattering away about.

“Are you worried about the game?”

Neil turned to the quiet voice behind him to find Kevin leaning against one of the beds, his legs pulled up to his chest. A plate scraped clean of whatever he’d been eating balanced on his knees. Kevin looked tired, but he also looked determined. The panic that Neil had glimpsed so many times before, the same panic Neil had felt, was nowhere to be seen.

“Yes,” Neil said. He didn’t need to say anything else, Kevin wasn’t looking for an explanation. He was in the same boat Neil was in, for the most part. He understood. Kevin just nodded and moved his plate to the side so he could stretch his legs out in front of him.

“I think we can do this,” Kevin said quietly. Neil couldn’t tell if Kevin was scared that he’d jinx it if he said it any louder or if he just didn’t want the others to overhear. A loud eruption of laughter from Matt and Nicky told Neil that they weren’t listening in to their conversation, but he kept his voice low as well.

“Yeah,” he said. “Me too.”

When Neil glanced at the alarm clock the next morning, the face read just a little after seven in the morning. Beside Neil, Andrew was still sleeping.

Last night, Neil came back to the room to find Andrew watching a dumb show on TV while he waited up for Neil and the others to get back. He didn’t remember falling asleep, he must have drifted off sometime between changing into sweatpants and settling in beside Andrew. Even after his long nap on the bus, spending the evening with the Foxes wore Neil down again. He loved them, but sometimes their rowdiness was exhausting for someone like Neil, who preferred the quiet.

He should have gotten up earlier to go for a morning run, but Neil really didn’t feel like it today. He would be spending plenty of time running around when the Foxes practiced before they played against Penn State, and even more when they played them. Right now, he was more than content to stay in bed for a little bit longer and study Andrew’s face, lax with sleep, smushed into the pillows.

Neil shifted, feeling the fatigue in his muscles fade away with every passing second. He briefly tore his gaze away from Andrew to look behind him at Kevin and Nicky sprawled across the other bed, arms and legs thrown off the sides and over one another. Nicky had his foot wedged between Kevin’s spine and the mattress, something Kevin would be sure to complain about when he woke up with a sore back.

When Neil turned back to face him, Andrew was already watching him with clear eyes. They stared at each other for a moment, stretching seconds into minutes. Neil was tracing the hard edges of Andrew’s cheek bones and the lines of his lips with his eyes, wishing he was doing it with his lips, when Andrew turned Neil’s face away.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you have a staring problem?” Andrew asked, his voice muffled from the sheets.

“I like looking at you,” Neil said unapologetically.

“Disgusting,” Andrew replied, but within seconds his hand found its place in the collar of Neil’s ratty t-shirt. He tugged on it. “You need to get rid of this.”

“Do you want me to do that right now or do you want to wait until Nicky and Kevin vacate the room?” Neil quipped.

“Smart mouth.” Andrew pulled the pillow over Neil’s face. “It’s too early for this.”

Neil took the moment to stretch out his legs before sitting up. The pillow Andrew used to half-heartedly smother Neil fell to his lap so Neil returned it to its spot on the bed. He stretched his back next, letting out a small grunt when it gave a few satisfying pops and cracks.

A hand on his hip made Neil pause. When he turned around, Andrew was squinting up at him. “We still have a couple more hours until we have to be up,” he said.

Neil took the offer for what it was and slid back under the sheets, closer to Andrew than before but still leaving several inches of space between them. Andrew’s hand trailed up Neil’s side, idly tracing patterns over his t-shirt. Neil couldn’t complain. It wasn’t often he and Andrew could have a lazy morning together.

Anxiety spread through Neil’s veins like a cold poison, sudden and unwelcome. His expression must have shuttered because Andrew withdrew his hand. “No, it’s okay,” Neil said.

When Andrew just stared at him, Neil swallowed the lump forming in his throat and explained, “I’m worried about the game tonight. I feel like my mind is spinning in constant circles, always going back to wondering what will happen if we don’t win.”

But Neil knew what would happen, and so did Andrew.

Andrew settled his hand on the nape of Neil’s neck. Neil leaned into the comforting and solid presence. “If something goes wrong, I am not going to let you go.”

“You can’t stop Ichirou from getting to me, Andrew,” Neil said. He glanced at Nicky when he let out a particularly loud snore, a reminder that he and Kevin were still in the room. When he looked back at Andrew, he saw the familiar stubborn jut of his jaw. “No matter what happens, you can’t follow me. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I will not let you just die.”

Neil’s shoulders slumped forward as much as they could when he was laying on his side. “I don’t want you to die, too. And I’m not going to run again. I can’t. Not anymore.”

Andrew said nothing to that. He stared Neil down with an intensity Neil would never flinch from. The hand Andrew had clasped around Neil’s neck squeezed. “I’m not going to lose you again,” he said with steel finality after minutes had ticked by.

A shuffling from the other side of the room broke them from their staring contest. Neil turned his head to see Kevin and Nicky in the process of waking. The intensity of the moment was gone when Kevin nearly shoved Nicky off the side of the bed and stole the blanket. When Kevin was soundly snoring again, Nicky got out of bed, grumbling, and turned to see Andrew and Neil both staring him.

Nicky hitched a thumb over his shoulder. “He is horrible to share a bed with. I don’t know how he ever gets laid.”

Nicky wandered out of the room, mumbling under his breath. Neil thought he heard Kevin’s name and something about a bucket of cold water. The creak of the mattress when it was pressed down told Neil that Andrew was getting out of bed. When Neil looked back at him, Andrew motioned to the bathroom door and said he was going to take a shower.

The rest of the hours leading up to the game were a blur. The Foxes went to a nearby gym and Neil spent most of the time on the treadmill to make up for skipping his morning run. After that, they went to get lunch at some café that Kevin said was good.

Since they had a couple hours to themselves before they had to load up the bus and head to the stadium, most of the Foxes returned to the motel. Matt spotted a park nearby so he and Nicky took some of the freshmen. When they’d gone, Neil went over to the girls’ room when Allison texted him to come over.

Allison was closest to the door when Neil walked in. She sat cross-legged on the vanity counter in front of the mirror. She was dressed in pajama shorts and an old t-shirt that still looked better than any of the ragged shirts Neil owned that Nicky and Andrew hadn’t gotten rid of. She didn’t look up when Neil entered, she was too focused on braiding her long hair in two French braids, but she acknowledged him with a nod.

“Hey, Neil,” Dan greeted from her spot on one of the beds. “Is Andrew behind you?”

“No. He and Renee are hanging out, I think,” Neil replied, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Dan threw her legs over Neil’s lap and frowned. “Are they sparring? I don’t want either one of them hurt before the game.”

“Renee told me they’re just going for coffee.” Allison rolled her eyes, still facing the mirror. She grimaced and undid one of the braids and started over again. “She said something about not spending enough time with him or whatever.”

A knock sounded at the door and Kevin poked his head in. With one hand still gripping the loose braid in her hair, Allison chucked a nail polish at Kevin’s head. Kevin ducked and narrowly avoided getting hit in the forehead.

“What the fuck, Day!” Allison screeched. “What if one of us was getting dressed?”

“I knocked.” Kevin’s scowl deepened. “Is Neil in here?”

Dan waved her hand at Neil as if presenting him on a silver platter. “He’s right here, your royal highness.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Stop being immature.”

Both Dan and Allison laughed and Neil swore he saw Kevin’s frown flicker upwards just a tiny bit. Dan motioned for Kevin to come in and Kevin closed the door behind him.

By the time Allison started painting her nails a pale blue, Dan had pulled up a rerun of the USC vs. Edgar Allen death match game from a couple weeks ago. The Trojans had won that game, eliminating the Ravens in semifinals and making history. Neil had watched that game live with Kevin, and when the final buzzer sounded Neil witnessed Kevin smile sincerely for the first time in a long time. If the Foxes won their game tonight, they’d play the Trojans in the championship game.

“That’s going to get ruined in the game, you know,” Dan said, tearing her gaze away from the screen after Jean Moreau checked one of the Raven strikers so hard, he sent them skidding across the court floor. Jean wasn’t even carded for that move. For an ex-Raven, he was playing fairly clean. Being with the Trojans for a year obviously had a positive impact on him.

Allison shrugged, already painting the same color on her toes. “I can paint yours, if you want. Then we’ll have matching trashy nails.”

When the rest of the Foxes returned to the motel and Allison’s nails were done drying, the Foxes packed up their things while Wymack and Abby went down to the lobby to check them out.

By the time they were all on the bus and heading for the Penn State Exy stadium, Neil felt jittery and wired with anxiety. Not even Andrew’s shoulder pressed into his could leach away any of his nerves. He stared out the window, watching the trees silhouetted across the dark sky fly past as he picked a stray thread on his jacket. After about ten minutes, Andrew was apparently done with Neil’s restlessness and flattened his hand against Neil’s leg to stop it from bouncing.

“Sorry,” Neil mumbled. He forced his hands and feet to be still. Andrew kept his hand on Neil’s thigh, even after he stopped moving.

Five minutes later, the stadium came into view and ten minutes after that, the Foxes were in the locker room dressing out in their gear and jerseys. No one really had anything to say, not even Jack who surprisingly kept his mouth shut for the ride there.

Neil thought he could already hear the crowd screaming in the stands, but it was hard to tell over the blood pounding in his ears. When Wymack announced that there was forty-five minutes until first serve and ushered them out of the locker room and into the outer court, Neil thought his heart would leap right out of his chest.

The crowd roared when they caught sight of the Foxes. Interrupting the sea of navy blue of the Nittany Lions, entire sections of the bleachers were orange where Palmetto’s fans came to support their Foxes. The Vixens were already riling up the crowd by throwing each other in the air and shouting cheers while Palmetto’s mascot ran up and down the rows. The thousands of people in the stands clapping and stomping and screaming an arrhythmic beat disrupted the desperate pounding in Neil’s chest.

In front of him, Kevin froze and Neil had to skid to a halt to prevent running into him. He flipped around and although Neil was right behind him, Kevin’s eyes frantically searched the crowd before they found Neil.

“What is it?” Neil shouted over the crowd.

“He’s here,” Kevin said, his face pale. “Neil, Ichirou is here.”

Neil’s stomach bottomed out as the world skid to a halt. He pushed past Kevin to see into the writhing crowd, looking for one face in thousands of others. Neil’s eyes caught on the black in the swarm of orange and blue, a few rows from the front. Ichirou sat with two men on either side of him, his face calm and impassive as he surveyed the court with apparent disinterest.

Swallowing a couple times to get the metallic taste of fear out of his mouth, Neil reasoned, “He’s just watching us play. It makes sense that he’d be here tonight. We can’t let him distract us from our game.”

Kevin nodded but he still jumped when the referees’ whistles signaled for the Foxes to begin their warm-ups. Neil pushed thoughts of Ichirou and the threat he brought with him to the back of his mind and started the slow jog around the outer court, easily taking the lead of the group with Dan. After they lapped the court twice, Dan ordered them to start on simple drills.

When the teams retreated back to their respective sides in the outer court, Neil reached up and clapped Kevin on the shoulder. Kevin grasped Neil’s gloved hand and squeezed it briefly. No matter what happened, no matter how scared Neil was, they were in this together.

“Alright, Foxes,” Wymack started, flipping through the papers on his clipboard without reading anything on them. “This is the last game before Championships. In order to move on, we need to score at least eight points.

“Neil, you and Robin are going to be playing first quarter. Aaron, Matt, you two better make sure no strikers get past you to score or I’m signing both of you up for a marathon. Renee will be in goal for most of first half to save your asses, just in case. Allison is going to be in there with you so I expect a strong start.” Wymack clapped his hands as the Foxes scrambled to put on helmets and gloves.

“The Nittany Lions won’t make it easy for you. You are going to have to fight for this, and fight for it hard. I don’t want to hear any excuses, I just want to see you play your best. I believe in you, and you should believe in yourselves.” With that, Wymack tossed his clipboard to the side and pushed up his sleeves, revealing the black flames tattooed on his arms. “I expect five points in the bag by half-time or you all are running so many laps next practice you won’t be able to feel your legs. Now, get your asses on the court.”

Neil shook out his arms and twisted his racquet in his hands as he eyed the other team. Wymack gave them the rundown of the starting line or Penn State earlier so Neil mostly knew what to expect, but the Nittany Lions still had twice the number of players than they did. Palmetto’s team was larger than it was last year, but they still had few players to cycle through. Penn State could burn through half their line-up and still have more fresh players than the Foxes to put on the court.

Robin clacked her stick against Neil’s as they took their places on the line and Neil nodded in appreciation. Palmetto had first serve, so Allison held the ball in her hand, ready to throw it in the air and send it down the court for Neil to catch. She caught his eye threw and nodded.

Taking a deep breath, Neil squeezed his eyes shut until he heard the referee’s whistle to start. Then he took off down the court like a bullet.

The game started off as rough as Wymack said it would. Within minutes, players were colliding with each other and the Plexiglas walls. Neil had the ball hugged between his chest and the net of his racquet as he took his allowed ten steps and swung, aiming for Robin’s waiting net. Although she was several inches taller than Neil, she was nearly just as fast and zig-zagged across the court. Just before her backliner marked checked her and sent her sprawling to the floor, she sent the ball back to Neil.

Between them, they were able to get the ball up the court. But before Neil could score, his mark slammed into him and the ball was dislodged from his net. The backliner caught it and sent it to one of the strikers. Neil cursed and chased after it before it could get too far away from him.

He was the fastest player in NCAA Exy, but he wasn’t fast enough to catch up to the striker before he took a shot on the goal and made it. Four minutes into the game, and Penn State scored the first point.

Neil didn’t have time to dwell on the score when Renee hit the ball back up the court. The rest of the team banged their fists against the Plexiglas and cheered them on. Neil leapt and caught the ball and rebounded it to Robin.

Within minutes, a fight broke out. Both Matt and a one of the tall Nittany Lion strikers earned themselves a yellow card. By the time the first quarter was over and Neil was subbed out for Jack, the score was 2-3, Penn State’s favor.

As soon as Neil slumped down on the bench beside Andrew, Abby swarmed him and shoved cups of water and Gatorade in his hands to drink. Neil waved her off after the third cup and leaned forward to catch his breath. He was already drenched in sweat and his side was throbbing from an errant elbow to his gut when his backliner mark checked him.

Neil wondered what Ichirou was thinking. He wondered if he saw Neil stumble and mess up a shot or if he saw him fight past the brutal backliners and score just out of the goalie’s reach. Neil’s breathing didn’t slow after five minutes sitting on the bench so he tore off his helmet and doubled over it in his lap. He had until fourth quarter to get it together. He couldn’t afford to have a breakdown right now.

Neil hadn’t realized Andrew was saying something to him until Andrew ripped his helmet out of his hands and dropped it to the floor. Andrew’s hand wrapped loosely around Neil’s neck as he brought Neil’s face close to his. When Neil was finally able to breathe, Andrew leaned in close and said, “Get it together, Abram. You do not have time for this.”

Neil nodded in agreement and took a deep breath. Behind Andrew, Neil could see Kevin glancing nervously at him. Neil raised his hand, pleased to see that it didn’t shake, and waved him off. Andrew squeezed once, just enough for Neil to feel it, and let go.

At half time, the score was 5-4, Penn State leading. The court cleared and Abby went from player to player, checking aches and growing bruises and handing each a cup of water. Wymack paced in front of them, tapping his fingers on the side of his arm as he barked orders to the Foxes scrambling around him. When the fifteen minutes of half-time was up, Kevin, Jack, Nicky, Andrew, Sheena, and Dan filed onto the court and took their places against Penn State’s fresh line-up.

If the first half was rough, third quarter was worse. About ten minutes in, Jack was thrown against the wall so hard he slid to the ground and stayed down for several seconds. He struggled to get up but ultimately raised his racquet for the game to be put on hold so he could be subbed out. Two refs passed him to Abby for her to fret over and Wymack sent out Robin in his place.

Energy coursed through Neil’s body. He could have gone out and played the rest of the second half instead of just waiting out on the bench. He should be out there, not here. Last year he played full games with Kevin, he was more than capable of playing the rest of the game. He wanted to call Robin back and take her place himself, but the door was already closed when Neil stood up from the bench. Aaron, who was close by, grabbed Neil’s arm and slammed him back down before Neil could even take a step towards the court doors. Neil shook him off, snarling, but Aaron only rolled his eyes and turned back to his discussion with Matt.

Third quarter ended and two more goals had gotten past Andrew. Considering how much he blocked, a lot more should have gotten through, but Andrew had always been amazing. Kevin and Robin scored two goals between them, putting the score at 7-6, with Penn State leading. Neil’s heart was in his throat.

Neil scrambled up and snatched his helmet and gloves from the bench when Wymack called his name to take Robin’s place. Every step he took sent his heart racing. His palms were sweating but Neil was still able to get a good grip on his racquet, which was the only thing that mattered. By the time the ball was swerved, Neil was already running for it.

Kevin caught the ball and took three steps toward goal before spinning around and sending the ball to Neil. Without hesitation, Neil jumped to meet it and snagged it in his net. He dodged his backliner mark and smacked it back to Kevin. They’d practiced this a million times, hundreds of hours spent on the court well into the night, perfecting the footwork and the angles until neither one of them could move anymore. Kevin caught the ball and flicked his arm so that it slammed into the wall and lit the goal up red before Penn State could even react.

Kevin raised his racquet in the air as the Foxes and the crowd around them screamed. Neil’s grin was fast and triumphant. The stadium around them seemed to shake the entire court. They were tied with Penn State now, and they only needed one more point to progress to finals. They hadn’t won yet, but Neil’s blood was pumping fast through his veins and they had the rest of the fourth quarter to get that point and pull into the lead.

The Penn State goalie served the ball and Neil didn’t waste time watching it fly through the air. He calculated the arc and shot after it, swerving past players in orange and blue on his way to the ball. He reached out to catch it, stretching his entire body forward on the tips of his toes like a bird poised to fly. He was so close, the ball just about to fall into the net when a flash of blue and white slammed into Neil and pinned him against the Plexiglass wall hard enough to knock all the air from his lungs. Neil’s head careened with the glass behind him with a resounding crack, sending a spasm through his body and rocking the ground beneath his feet.

The world tilted dangerously to the side as Neil slumped to the ground like a ragdoll, his racquet slipping from limp fingers to crash to the floor. Tires screeched against asphalt and lights flashed in Neil’s eyes. Someone, far away, was screaming, shrill and sharp in his ears. He could taste blood in his mouth, thick and coppery on his tongue. It felt like someone was squeezing Neil’s entire skull in their hands, making his head pound so hard all he could do was screw his eyes shut and curl into a ball to wait it out.

Neil blinked. He was on the floor of the court in Penn State’s stadium, hundreds of miles and thousands of minutes away from the scene of the car accident.

His vision cleared and Andrew’s face came into focus, hovering several inches in front of Neil’s. Behind the face guard, Neil could see the concern swimming in his hazel eyes, the wrinkle in his brow. Sound slammed into Neil like a freight train, rushing back to him all at once. He could hear the inquisitive rumble of the crowd and the echo from the announcers, replaying Neil’s crash with the backliner.

“Neil.” Andrew’s mouth was moving, but the words came slower. “Are you done?”

Neil shook his head, ignoring the bolt of that went through his skull and pushed himself up. “I’m okay. I can do this,” he said. His words came out intact and clear. It was a good sign that he wasn’t slurring his speech.

Andrew still looked unsure, but Neil’s vision was clear and other than a headache and a bruised shoulder, he was fine.

The people in the stands went fanatic when Neil stood and motioned for the game to continue. They were riled up and eager for the excitement of the game to go on. Andrew’s grip on Neil’s arm loosened as he made his way back to goal after he made sure Neil really was okay. But Neil stood still for a couple more seconds, staring out at the court and its players as the world moved around him.

This was his future, and he wasn’t going to give it up without a fight. Neil hoped Ichirou was watching, he hoped he saw the crash and Neil getting back to his feet. Neil wasn’t so easy to keep down. Eight years on the run made Neil a survivor, but two years with the Foxes made him a fighter.

Neil returned to his place beside Kevin and the game began again when the ball was served.

It was a frenzy, players checking and dodging past each other. Yellow and red cards were handed out like candy to players of both teams as the game grew increasingly more violent. Neil’s muscles and joints throbbed, his head worse of all, but neither he or Kevin gave an inch to the other team.

Andrew had shut down the goal, no matter how many shots the strikers tried to take, Andrew didn’t let a single one hit its mark. A thrill went through Neil as he raced across the court. They could do this. The Foxes could do this.

The timer was counting down. With two minutes left on the clock, the Foxes and the Nittany Lions were at a stalemate with seven points each. Both teams fought against each other, pushing past each other’s backliners and aiming for the goal only to get denied the delicious taste of victory.

A stitch was forming in Neil’s side and no matter how much Neil fought to resist the tug of fatigue, he was starting to slow down. Neil knew Kevin felt it too, when he glanced over and saw Kevin struggling for every breath when they lined up for Penn State to take a penalty shot. Neil grit his teeth. One more point. They just needed one more point.

The Penn State striker took a single step and swung, aiming for the top right corner of the goal. Andrew reacted instantly, deflecting the ball and batting it with enough force it flew all the way to the other side of the court. Kevin and Neil followed as one, a two-part creature sharing one brain, communicating through quick glances and small movements from their racquets.

Kevin caught the ball and swung around to Neil when a backliner blocked his path. Neil caught it with ease and doubled back when he saw his way to the goal was blocked as well. He passed it to Kevin but Kevin rebounded it off the wall back to Dan as he fought with his backliner. Dan tossed it in the air, her position on the court not much better than Kevin’s.

There was a space between Neil’s backliner mark and the Penn State dealer dogging his steps. Neil saw his opportunity when Kevin and Dan juggled the ball back and forth between each other to keep it away from Penn State. He ran through the gap of bodies and twisted around just in time to catch the ball Dan passed to him.

Time slowed down. The world narrowed and the only thing Neil could hear in the large stadium was his ragged breathing and his footsteps across the court. The thirty seconds left of the game counted down slowly, in time with his steady heartbeat. An arm interrupted Neil’s view of the goal but Neil ducked under it and dodged the other backliner waiting for him. Twenty seconds left on the clock, two more steps for Neil to take.

One step towards the goal. Neil shifted and aimed the ball to line up his shot. At the last second, Neil took his second and last step and pivoted on his right foot. He swung for the bottom corner of the goal and watched the ball leave his racquet.

It was out of Neil’s hands now. The goalie dove for it, but she was too late. Neil’s shot slammed into the corner of the goal, lighting up Neil’s world red as the buzzer reverberated through his body.

Before Neil could even catch his breath or before Penn State could snatch up the ball and take it down the court to try for another point, the second buzzer announced the end of the game. Kevin and Dan were at Neil’s side in an instant, yelling so loudly Neil’s ears rang with their voices. Down the court, Neil could see the rest of the Foxes cheering and celebrating. They won, 7-8. Eight points. The Foxes were going to finals for the second year in a row.

A slow grin spread across Neil’s face. Across the court, Andrew leaned across his racquet. The only sign he was affected at all was the heavy rise and fall of his chest. Dan looped her arm around Neil’s shoulders before his legs could give out and send him toppling to the floor again. Together they made their way to the rest of the teams lining up to shake each other’s hands.

The only thing Neil felt when the Foxes made their way off the court was the savage triumph swelling in his chest. Ichirou was an afterthought. Neil didn’t think he could be scared when victory was coursing through his veins. Matt and Sheena were assigned press duty while the rest of the Foxes made their way to the locker rooms. Neil was grateful, he didn’t think he had the breath for dealing with reporters.

Neil met up with Andrew in the locker room. He hadn’t quite managed to erase the grin on his face when Andrew rounded on him, but Andrew didn’t seem to mind.

“You closed down the goal,” Neil said, his grin only growing wider with awe. “That’s a lot of work for someone who doesn’t care about Exy.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Well, unfortunately I care about your dumbass. Now go shower before the smell sets in. I can barely stand you as it is.”

The steadying hand Andrew had around Neil’s wrist easily negated his words. Neil laughed and fetched his clothes. He waited for the rest of the team to finish before he made his way to the stall-less showers. Even after a win like that, Neil didn’t feel like stripping in front of the rest of the team.

After letting the hot water work the ache in his muscles, he turned off the shower and toweled the rest of the water off of his body so he could get dressed. When he left the showers, the first thing Neil saw Andrew. Alarm bells immediately went off in his head. The line of Andrew’s shoulders was tense and he held his body as if preparing for a fight. When Neil rounded the corner, he saw why.

Ichirou Moriyama stood in front of Neil, his guards flanking both his sides. They were all dressed in impeccable black suits and ties. They looked like they had finished an important business meeting more than they looked like they had just watched an Exy game. Looking at them, the only thing that gave away what a danger they presented were the guns resting at their hips. Neil raised his chin and met Ichirou’s unerring stare, refusing to back down.

Kevin’s face was strained from where he stood beside Andrew. When Neil entered the room, his eyes found Neil’s. Where Neil expected to find panic and desperation, he saw determination behind the fear.

“Wesninski,” Ichirou greeted. It sounded more like a threat than a pleasantry. In the corner of his eye, Andrew stiffened and clenched his fists while Kevin shot sharp glances between the two of them. Ichirou then looked to Kevin and Andrew and flicked his fingers dismissively. “You two may leave. I will speak to Nathaniel alone.”

Kevin looked confused before Ichirou’s words set in. His eyes widened. Kevin was free to go, but Neil was not. Andrew’s mouth tightened like he was about to argue but there was only one of him and four of Ichirou’s guards. Even with knives, Andrew didn’t stand a chance against armed guards. Neil met his eyes and gave a near imperceptible nod. Andrew stared at him for a long time before he dragged a lagging Kevin from the room.

Neil knew he should wait before Ichirou addressed him, but Neil’s blood was laced with fire. His father was the butcher, after all. Neil met Ichirou’s gaze head-on. “My Lord, if I may. My team played well tonight and will be advancing to finals in the coming weeks. I scored several of those points and even scored us the final goal. To dispose of me now would be a lost opportunity for winning finals a second year in a row.”

Ichirou inclined his head. His eyes glinted, and Neil knew he wasn’t pleased with him speaking out of turn. “Are you suggesting I extend the deadline? You are bargaining for a few more weeks of your life until I come again at the end of that game as well. You cannot keep pushing this back.”

“I’m not asking for you to extend the deadline. I’m asking for you to abolish it.” Neil paused and waited for Ichirou to motion for him to continue. “I have proved, time and again, that I am a valuable asset.”

“I am not happy with you, Wesninski. You still speak out of turn and plead for your dying case. I would save myself from so much trouble if I washed my hands of you completely,” Ichirou said, his voice never wavering. Neil swallowed.

“I am sorry, Lord Moriyama.” Neil bowed his head, still not taking his eyes off of the mob boss. “But happy or not, I will continue to make you money through my future career as a professional Exy player, if you’d let me. If you get rid of me now, you will not get the money I promised you.”

Ichirou was silent. Neil really hoped he was considering Neil’s words and not thinking about all the ways to kill him. Minutes seemed to pass, marked only by the loud thudding of Neil’s heart. Andrew was waiting outside for him, like he always would be. The Foxes were there as well, still drunk on their victory. Neil’s death would ruin more than just an Exy season.

He couldn’t die now, not after all of this, after all he survived. Neil had fought hard to get back to where he was before the car accident so many months ago. He didn’t want all of that to go to waste.

“Very well,” Ichirou finally conceded and Neil let out a small breath that was trapped in his lungs. “I suppose you can still be of use to me. But I expect you to keep your mouth more in check, next time we meet. And yes, there will be many next times. Now leave.”

Neil didn’t need to be told twice. He kept his footsteps even until he was out of the door and down the hall, away from Ichirou’s sight. He staggered with relief and squeezed his eyes shut as he leaned against the wall. When he opened them, Andrew was standing in front of him with his arms loose at his sides. Andrew was the only one in the long hallway. He must have sent Kevin ahead to the others.

Neil looked at him. He had all the time in the world to be with Andrew, now that Neil no longer had a death sentence. He felt the smile spreading across his face even before Andrew narrowed his eyes. “I’m going to be captain next year,” he said.

“Yes or no –”

“Yes.”

Neil answered Andrew’s question before he could even finish it. Andrew leaned in but Neil was already falling into him. He pressed Neil against the wall and gave him a bruising kiss that burned through his body like a wildfire. Neil thought it was the sweetest thing he had ever tasted.

They had to keep it brief, but Neil let himself drop his head against Andrew’s shoulder for a couple minutes as he laughed with giddy relief. Andrew’s fingers worked through his hair, sending the droplets of water still clinging to the strands dripping to the floor. Andrew lifted Neil’s head with a hand on his chin and leveled him an even stare. Neil twined his fingers with Andrew’s, still tangled in his hair. Neil didn’t believe in a god, but the kiss he placed on the corner of Andrew’s mouth was the closest he’d ever come to a prayer.

Andrew pulled away and leaned his forehead against Neil’s. Neil’s breathing was even, his heartbeat steady. He was alive, and he had the permission to continue to live. To play Exy. To love Andrew.

Neil grinned and pulled Andrew closer. “Let’s go home,” he whispered in the scant inches between them. Andrew lifted his head, his hazel eyes reminding Neil that he already had his home right in front of him.

“You did it, Abram.”