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It had been unusually warm and sunny around Thunder Mountain and Scout was going to take the opportunity to go for a swim in the little lake behind their base, but after he removed his socks and shoes and dipped a toe into the freezing water he changed his mind instantly.
Bored, he looked over to the Sniper who was stretched out on a beach chair, wearing nothing but his Aussie flag speedo and sunglasses ignoring everything around him. Scout scooped up some mud near a frog and raised his pitching arm to throw the muck in Sniper’s face.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
Scout spun around to see Spy standing near the water’s edge. The Frenchman was just as bored as the runner, the nice weather held no interest to him since there was little to be done in it. Though, when he saw the Scout by the lake he thought some entertainment could be made.
Scout lowered his arm and said, “He can’t catch me anyways.”
“I’m sure he could,” Spy responded. Sniper remained in his beach chair, either unaware of their conversation or indifferent. “Besides, I’m surprised you haven’t caught that frog yet.”
Scout looked over to big, squat frog that was resting in the sun by the water’s edge. “Why would I? I ain’t French.”
Spy ignored the insult, (Scout really needed to come up with new material), and slowly formed a plan off the cuff. “I’m just surprised that you would pass over the opportunity.”
“What opportunity? What are you talking about?” Scout asked warily.
“Oh honestly, Scout!” Spy feigned an annoyed sound and looked up to the sunny sky. “Do you pay attention to any thing that goes on around here?”
“Look either tell me what’s up, or quit blocking my aim.” Scout raised his hand, still holding the muck, to signify his impatience.
“That frog is a woman,” Spy stated point-blank.
Scout dropped the mud and stared at Spy with a puzzled expression. “What?”
“That frog is a woman,” Spy repeated. He waited to see if Scout would do or say anything and when he didn’t he continued his impromptu prank. “Merasmus cursed some woman that worked for the city and turned her into a frog.”
Scout shook his head in disbelief, “No he didn’t.”
“Oh he did,” Spy nodded his head convincingly, “it was that woman who condemned his castle and wanted him to pay all those fines.”
Scout thought back to what Solider had told him of his room mate problems and why the wizard was attacking them. It sounded familiar, the woman part and the fines, but he couldn’t recall if the story ended with Merasmus cursing anyone.
“Nah, no way. You’re making all this up.” Scout brushed the Spy’s story off and sat down on the bank to put his shoes and socks back on.
“S’all true, mate.” Sniper didn’t open his eyes or move from his reclined position on his beach chair. “She’s been missing for weeks now, there’s even a reward for her safe return.”
Spy was glad that Scout’s eyes were focused on the Australian because he couldn’t stop his mouth from twisting into a grin. He silently thanked the Aussie for playing along and hoped this corroboration was enough to convince the Scout.
The boy finished tying his laces and peered at the squat frog sitting next to him. He scooped it up and asked, “Really?”
“Oh yeah,” “Of course,” Sniper and Spy said at the same time.
Scout inspected the creature. It was wide and squat with large black eyes. It was a light mossy green with large brown spots all over its bumpy skin. There were no signs of femininity. “I should ask Soldier, you guys are always lying to me.” Scout made to leave for their base when Spy quickly grabbed his upper arm.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he warned, “he’s been going insane trying to find that frog he wants the reward for himself. Who knows what he’ll do to get it.”
“Yeah,” Sniper agreed, “Didn’t he attack Pyro this morning?”
Spy nodded, “Oui, he thought Pyro’s suit squeaking was croaking, sent him through respawn four times.”
Scout considered this. He lifted the fat frog so they were eye level. It looked back at him and gave low croak.
Sniper stalked over and held out his hand and said, “If you don’t want her I’ll take her. I could do with the reward money and the undying gratitude of a very sexy woman.”
Scout pulled the frog out of reach. “No way!” he exclaimed. “I found her first.”
“Well I think we’d oughta get ten percent,” Sniper suggested. “You didn’t even know about her ‘till now.”
“I have to agree with the Bushman, Scout. As soon as you collect you’ll have to notify us.” Spy pulled out a cigarette and began to leave. Sniper, following his lead, headed back to his beach chair.
“Wait!” Scout called out. “What am I supposed to do? Take a frog to the police station?”
Spy and Sniper returned to their previous spots and said, “Non,” “Don’t be daft!”
“You have to change her back first,” Spy informed the young man and took a puff off his cigarette.
“I ain’t got any more of those spell books we found,” Scout whined out then turned to Sniper and asked, “What about you? You got one I could borrow?”
The lanky Australian shook his head ‘no.’
Spy’s eye lit up and he had to school his face into a blank expression. “There are other ways to change her back you know.” His voice was lilting and inviting.
Sniper had a guess as to where he going and had to bite his cheek to keep from smiling.
“Haven’t you heard the story about the frog and the princess?” Spy asked. “You just have to kiss her and she should change back and offer her hand in marriage.”
“I ain’t kissing a frog.” Scout looked from said frog to the two other men distrustfully. “You guys are just trying to trick me.”
“Oi, like I said I’ll take her and the money I don’t mind the warts.” Sniper extended an open hand once more. Scout pulled back again, thinking. He could do with the reward money, and a super hot babe on top of that? It seemed too good to be true and anyone with half a brain would know that it was too good to be true.
Unfortunately for Scout, a lifetime as the youngest left him with a certain susceptibility to pranks and lies.
“Just kiss it?” Scout asked quietly. The two other men nodded and nearly fell over when Scout closed his eyes and puckered his lips. The frog was a mere inch from his kiss when one of his eyes popped open. “I swear to God if you guys are lyin’.”
“Bloody oath,” “It’s the truth,” The two said.
Scout shut his eye and kissed the frog. It was a short peck and Scout immediately opened his eyes afterward; his face twisted into a scowl when the same bulging black eyes met his gaze.
“You jerks!” he yelled and stomped a foot into the soft ground near the water. “Fucking. Every. Single. Time!” He threw his arms up into the air in aggravation, his hand still holding the fat frog.
Sniper was about to call it and calm the boy down but Spy put a hand on his bicep to stop him. “Scout maybe you’re not doing it right?”
“Not-uh,” he shook he head, “I’m not doing this anymore.”
“No he’s got a point,” Sniper nodded, “You’re just not doing it right. Here hand her over and let a real man do it.”
“I’m a real man!” Scout exclaimed, hugging the frog close.
“Yeah? Where’s your chest hair at?” Sniper poked at Scout’s chest smirking.
The two poked at each other getting more and more violent with each touch until Spy cut in. “Gentlemen?” He stomped out his cigarette. “We still have a frog and no money yet the solution is obvious.”
“Yeah what’s that, ya cruton?” Scout was trying to remove his head from Sniper’s headlock, he was freed after the marksman tousled his hair roughly.
“In the fairy tales it’s always solved by true love’s kiss. You just have to become her true love.”
“So what? I gotta take her out to dinner?”
An image of Scout and the frog out at an expensive Italian restaurant sharing a single strand of pasta was almost enough to make Spy blow it all. He managed to cover his laughter with coughing and said, “Maybe you just need to get to know her better. Spend time with each other.”
Scout considered this advice and thought about how indebted this woman was going to be to him. “Okay, but I ain’t sharing the profits, you snooze you lose.” With that, Scout and the frog practically bounced toward the base ready to begin a beautiful relationship.
The second he was out of earshot the two remaining mercenaries burst into laughter. They went bent double wheezing with laughs and holding their sides. Spy was snorting in that quirky manner he always tried to hide and Sniper was breathless with tears in his eyes.
“I swear...” Sniper heaved, “if he takes that bloody frog on a date.” He shook he head and roared with laughter again.
“Could you imagine,” Spy snorted, “could you imagine him taking it to the movies?”
The two dissolved into hysterics once more.
Another image of Scout and the frog accepting their movie tickets from a disgusted usher caused Spy to drop to his knees howling. “Oh Bushman! Get me one of your jars I’m going to piss myself!”
It took some time for the two men to get themselves under control, but eventually Sniper was able to make it back to his beach chair, and Spy had enough air in his lungs for another cigarette.
“How long do you think he’s going to keep that frog?” Sniper replaced his sunglasses.
“Knowing Scout, I wouldn’t be surprised if he brought to our ten year team reunion.”
---
Scout had left the other mercenaries and distanced himself from their base. He went down to where he had set up a tarp and baseball tee for recreational batting practice, lugging a bat, sack of balls, and the frog with him.
Weird things happened around their team all the time, it was totally plausible that this frog was actually a hottie just waiting for a prince charming to come by and save her. He batted another ball into the tarp where he’d painted a couple of targets representing left, right, and center field.
And even if she didn’t want to get with Scout, he’d at least get a kiss of gratitude and that could totally make Miss Pauling jealous. After another dozen bats he flopped down on the ground where the frog was waiting uninterestedly.
He couldn’t talk to a frog, could he? He surveyed the frog with its slimly looking skin and thought, ‘fuck it.’
“I’m from Boston you ever been there?” The frog didn’t respond. “Well, you heard of the Red Sox I’m sure, anyways season of ’67 was supposed to be our winning year...” Scout went on and on about the Red Sox’s strategies, pitching, batting line-up, and every other thing remotely related to baseball.
“...ya know I actually met Carl Yastrzemski and- hey are you even listening to me?” Scout scooped the frog up and it gave a short croak. That was all the validation Scout needed. “Oh my God, you really are in there ain’t you? Don’t worry lady I’m gonna save your pretty self. I mean it’s like what I do, I’m professional hero and stuff.”
Scout spent the rest of the afternoon chattering to the frog and batting baseballs. Once the sun started to set he snuck into his room and placed the frog in an emptied out shoe box. He and Pyro filled a few hours catching fireflies in mason jars, Scout slipped away while Pyro was comparing lit matches to the bug’s luminescent ends. He fed the frog bug after bug until his jar was empty and then picked the creature up.
“So, I think that counts as a dinner date and we know each other pretty well now so...” Scout trailed off awkwardly as if he were actually talking to a woman. “Aw jeeze, whatever.” Scout kissed the frog again.
Nothing changed and Scout had to pick a firefly leg off his bottom lip. “Okay, we can take it slow that’s cool,” he obliged.
---
During the next couple of days Scout spent every free moment with the squat frog, feeding it bugs and showing it photos of his family. He toted it around when he was sure Soldier was outside making a mockery of military training, and showed it around the base.
Eventually, someone besides Sniper and Spy noticed. Engineer entered the common room looking puzzled after having seen Scout dash out of the base with the frog yet again. “Any of you boys know why Scout’s been carrying that frog ‘round?”
Sniper popped out of the kitchen at the sound of Scout and the frog. “Nope. Not a bloody clue.” A huge grin adorned his face.
Spy, who had been reading, had to shove his book against his face to hide his snorting. Engineer’s eyes narrowed at these obvious giveaways. “I hope you two aren’t teasing him again you know how he gets,” the Texan chided.
Scout always got flustered and indignant whenever a joke was played on him which always lead to broken furniture and smashed electronics. Engineer was plain tired of wasting his good scrap metal on toaster ovens and radios.
“Oh no laborer we have nothing to do with Scout and his companion,” Spy said, little too slyly and that made Engineer all the more suspicious. But before the short man could prod Sniper and Spy into giving him an explanation Demoman bellowed, “Oi what’ya do to th’ lad?”
“Nothing,” “How rude of you to accuse us,” Sniper and Spy said in tandem.
Engineer crossed his arms, and Demon sauntered over to the group with an eager grin. “C’mon lads out with it,” Demo begged.
Sniper looked at the Scotsman and said, “Like hell we’d tell you, you can’t keep a secret.”
“Oh c’mon, mate,” Demo pleaded.
Sniper looked to Spy for permission and when the Frenchman nodded Sniper began the story with many interjections from Spy. By the time they finished, Engineer and Demoman were shaking with laughter.
“Wait, wait, wait...” Engineer held a hand up to quell the laughter, “does this have anything to do with all them lipstick marks on his face?”
Spy cackled and nodded. “Oui, I went to check his progress and when he said that nothing was working I gave him the lipstick”- he snorted, -“and said, ‘perhaps she needs to feel like woman in order to turn back into one.’ I can’t believe he’s actually put lipstick on it!”
Demoman was clutching his side. “I can’t believe he’s actually kissin’ it!”
“But you gotta keep your mouth shut.” Sniper pointed a finger at the Scotsman. “You always give it away.”
“Oi, I can keep a secret.” Demoman mimed zipping his lips shut, but the other three men knew that the second he got his Scrumpy opened the truth would come pouring out.
---
Later that night, Scout snuck some of his dinner up to his room to feed his lady in waiting when a knock interrupted him. “Who is it?” he called out.
“It’s me lad,” Demoman’s slurred reply came from the other side of the door. Scout opened up not bothering to hide the frog. Demoman strolled in and plopped down on the runner’s bed. “Aye, that’s a nice frog ya go there,” he stated.
Scout eyes immediately narrowed. “Yeah, it is.”
“Reeeaal lovely.” He took a swig out of his Scrumpy bottle a reached down into the shoe box on the floor, but in his drunken state he couldn’t grasp the animal. Scout came to the frog’s rescue by grabbing it and holding it close.
“What ya want, man?”
“I just came by...to ‘preciate your lady,” he drunkenly giggled out.
Scout frowned and felt a creeping suspicion fill him. It had been long enough for this woman to get to know Scout, and he’d been kissing it every other minute with no luck. Though, Demoman could just be trying to seduce the woman for himself...
Scout began to question the whole deal. He wanted to find Spy and Sniper and ask them out right, but if he knew he couldn’t trust what they said.
So, Scout decided the next best thing would be Medic. He was a man of science and would know all about human to animal transformations. He ran down the hall shouting, “Medic! Hey Doc!” until he burst through the doors of the infirmary.
Medic looked up from his operating table where Heavy was holding his ribcage open. “Ja, what is it? Don’t tell me you put Ben-gay on your penis again...”
Scout ignored the question and shoved his frog into Medic’s face. “Tell me everything you know about this frog!”
“What?” Medic adjusted his glasses, getting little smears of blood on the frame. The frog was shoved closer to his face so Medic took the ugly creature into his bloodied hands. He flipped it over a number of times, inspected its eyes, and stretched it’s webbed hands. “There is nothing wrong with this frog, Scout.”
“But like...” Scout wasn’t sure what question to ask. If he mentioned magic Medic might dismiss him immediately, but if he didn’t ask anything he was sure to be shooed out of the infirmary.
Medic interrupted his thoughts to ask, “Why is it wearing lipstick?”
“To make her feel like a woman,” Scout answered without thinking.
“Well, it’s going to take more than lipstick to make him feel pretty. He is one disgusting, fat frog.” The doctor handed the creature back to the runner.
“What?” Scout’s tone was deadly.
“Hmm?” Medic was focused back on the baboon heart in Heavy’s chest cavity.
“This is a fucking guy frog?” Scout’s voice was raising and he could feel his face getting heated. Lies. All lies! He should have known that Spy and Sniper were playing him, they always did things like this.
“Ja, he’s a male frog,” the doctor answered.
“Fucking a!” Scout yelled as he darted out of the infirmary causing the doors to swing violently.
“Little Scout has pet? Or was that little Spy’s dinner?” Heavy joked and chortled enough to make his whole body shake, making Medic’s job all the harder. “Oh ho ho, Heavy can be comedian!”
Deadpanned Medic responded, “Oh yes, if you’re jokes don’t knock them dead your fists can.”
The dry comment set Heavy off again and he said between chuckles that Medic could be his opening act.
---
“You fucking dicks!” Scout came barreling into the common room where the rest of the team was seated around the television set.
Sniper, Spy, Engineer, and a still drunk Demoman didn’t even turn around to look at the runner before falling into laughter. Pyro and Soldier sat confused.
Scout waved the frog in the air at the chuckling men. “I can’t believe you guys! You fucking...ugh! You think you’re so funny! Okay, well jokes on you ‘cause this ain’t even a girl frog! And..and...” Scout wasn’t sure what kind of point he was trying to make, he just didn’t want to be the butt of the joke again.
“Wait, wait!” Sniper heaved out, “It’s a bloody male frog?” That had all four men cracking up again. Pyro laughed and clapped his hands despite not knowing what was happening, and Soldier began waving his shovel around demanding orderly conduct.
Spy laughed out and asked, “Does this make you gay?”
That caused Scout’s face to turn red and he started yelling again. “I ain’t gay! Just ‘cause I kissed a guy frog that don’t make me gay! I didn’t even like it.” The whole room would not quiet down, the sound of laughter over powering Scout’s claims. He was still shouting when Sniper pulled him over the back of the couch to sit between him and the Demoman.
“Yeah laugh it up, good for you guys.” Scout crossed his arms, still holding the frog. “You pulled a fast one,” he pouted, leaning into the couch and crossing his arms, “and I ain’t gay.”
“I don’t think they take gender into consideration when the relationship is interspecies, Scout,” Spy laughed out.
“Shut up!” Scout yelled. “It’s not like I was doing it ‘cause it was a frog it was for the chick!”
“Do you mean a woman or an actual chicken?” Sniper asked with a grin.
Scout gave a frustrated growl and dropped the frog onto the coffee table where it sat uninterested in the surrounding shouting and laughter.
“Oh laddie, you’re too bloody much.” Demoman wiped tears out of his eye and ruffled Scout’s hair. He kept pouting until Sniper took the frog and gave it a kiss as well and Engineer mumbled something about Scout’s kind heart, and Solider shouted, “At ease, maggots!”
There was a small smudge of red lipstick on the corner of Sniper’s mouth and that made Scout feel a bit better about having the same smudges on his own mouth. It took some time but eventually Scout laughed along with them and nothing got broken.
---
They kept the frog for a couple of weeks after that and aptly named it ‘Princess.’ It was housed in a little tank full of rocks, water, and mud until Sniper deemed it inhumane to keep an undomesticated animal in such a small space.
They waited for another sunny day to release Princess into the wild, the whole team standing by the water’s edge to the little lake. Before Scout placed the frog in the water Demo nudged Scout and asked, “Don’t you want to kiss him goodbye?”
The young man frowned and pushed Demo into the water with a laugh.The Scotsman landed on his ass in shallow water but made no complaint. Scout let the frog go and watched it swim away lazily until Demo began splashing the lot of them and shouting about Nessie’s cousin, Nellie.