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The weight of Phil’s head on Dan’s shoulder was familiar. The road was not. But that familiarity was getting him through the overnight car journeys.
Dan hated the road at night. Everything was so dark and unknown. The headlights could only reach a few feet in front of the vehicle, leaving it up to his imagination what lurked just beyond his vision. He often found it difficult to fall asleep, his mind too busy thinking of every worst-case scenario that could happen while he was unconscious.
Of course, he knew that he was just being paranoid. Their drivers knew what they were doing and would ensure they got to their next destination as safely as possible. Yet he still worried.
Feeling the presence of Phil next to him, however, was always able to ease his concerns. Phil, the man who had been there for him through every existential crisis, mental breakdown, depressive episode, and so much more. The man who would continue to be by his side during everything to come.
The man who was by his side now, cheek pressed against his shoulder. Phil took Dan’s hand in his and traced the lines on his palms. It was a small gesture, but Dan knew Phil could sense his uneasiness. It was a thing he did to calm Dan down, and it never failed. Dan stared down at their hands, spreading his fingers to let Phil slot his between them. Dan’s lips turned up as he felt Phil grip his hand. He bent his head down to place a light kiss in Phil’s hair.
Phil smiled against his arm before saying, “You alright?” His voice was no more than a whisper as it was past one in the morning and, though no one was asleep at the moment, it felt wrong to speak loudly during this delicate moment.
Dan sighed as he glanced out the window, seeing another car going in the opposite direction, their taillights a blur in a matter of seconds. He wondered where they were going. It always felt strange to Dan to see other people out on the road at such a late hour. Although, he had to remind himself that he was also on the road at this time, just trying to get from one place to the other. Who's to say it isn’t as simple as that for the other person? “I’m alright,” he replied simply, smiling down at Phil and shuffling closer to him so he could wrap one arm around his waist.
“Okay,” Phil whispered. He snuggled closer to Dan, breathing in his scent and settling in his arms.
The unknown was scary and, well, unknown, but he felt safe in his little bubble with Phil.
The road at night was a comforting place to be just as much as it was terrifying. It’s one of the only times where he was able to feel completely relaxed. Sure, he had places to be in a matter of hours and so many people to meet and hug, not to mention a two-hour long stage show to perform - but for the moment, he wasn’t busy. He could just be in this small space with Phil and rest, not having to worry about who could see them.
And maybe this all had a deeper meaning than just some dark highway in the British countryside. Maybe the darkness of the road was a metaphor for the darkness too often present in his life, and the unknown of what was beyond the headlights was a metaphor for the unpredictable path his life had taken that he had been so afraid to be on.
Then there was Phil, there through it all to keep Dan sane and make him feel safe. To lead him out of the darkness and “worry about what’s happening now, not later,” as Phil had so often told him.
Or maybe Dan was just tired and this really was all about some stupid dark road. For now, all he needed to know was that Phil was in his arms, drifting off to sleep, and Dan needed to join him so they could wake up together in the light.