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Tony Stark has come a long way compared to where he was when he and Pepper first officially started dating. He's always been more of a reserved person, holding in his own fears and refusing to really open up to many people. Even now, after everything they've been through together, Pepper still struggles with getting him to open up to her from time to time.
So when she finds him hunched over a workbench in R&D, his brows furrowed together and a pained look on his face, she knows he's not just busy concentrating on the work in front of him; there's something there, just beneath the surface, and Pepper is determined to figure out exactly what’s bothering him.
Tony gets like this from time to time, and now with Pepper pregnant, it’s even worse. In order to combat the nagging and irrational fear that is ingrained into the complex workings of his brain, he buries himself so deep in his work that when he finally decides to surface, he looks like he’s aged ten years due to the constant repression of bad memories and his personal demons.
He’s nearly to that level of immersion as he continues tinkering with an old prototype of the Mark II suit, grease smeared across his cheek and his hands cracked and dirty. But it’s the soft dinging of the elevator and Pepper’s gentle voice that pulls him from the dark place he’s inevitably headed. There’s more than just Pepper being pregnant and what level of responsibility that brings on his mind today––there are other things, dark and twisty, creeping from the recesses of his mind—it’s the things he’s worked so damn hard to bury that have finally managed to break free and start planting their seeds of doubt.
“Hey, mama,” he says gently, dropping the screwdriver he’s holding down on the workbench and turning toward Pepper who’s standing a few feet back from him, as if she’s waiting for permission to come closer. “Everything okay?
And like that, Pepper has somehow managed to keep him grounded for just a bit longer. She can already see his hazy expression starting to fade and the way his brows furrow together now are more reflective of concern rather than inner turmoil. When she nods her head and takes a few steps toward him, however, Pepper watches Tony’s expression shift completely again, this time being an expression of relief.
“It’s getting late, Tony,” she says gently, placing one hand on her belly and the other in his hair. His hair is in its natural, wavy state today, lacking any product or styling and Pepper likes it best like this. As she pushes her fingers through his messy hair a few times, she looks down at him and smiles. “Time for bed,” she finally adds.
Pepper has come to realize that it’s much easier when she tells Tony to come to bed. Asking him if he’s joining her gives him the option of saying no, of picking his inventions and tinkering over the good night’s sleep he so desperately needs. Luckily for Pepper, however, telling him it’s time for bed tends to work out in her favor most of the time. But when he looks back up at her, Pepper can already tell that he’s going to want to argue, to insist he stay and work.
"Ah but, Pep," he starts, shifting his gaze from hers, as if he's trying to guiltily hide something from her. "You go onto bed, okay? I'll finish up here and I'll be down before you know it."
Pepper drops her hand from his head and instead places her fingers under his chin and tilts upward. "You know I don't sleep well when you're not there with me, even if you are just a few floors above. You've worked hard today, harder than usual, I'd say." Her gaze softens as he lets out a tired sigh, his shoulders slumping slightly at her words. He knows he's worked harder than he usually does, has kept himself locked away in R&D for a large part of the day. But he's got to do something to keep himself in check, to keep from worrying or stressing Pepper out; he's read all of the baby books, some of them two or three times over, and he knows that stress during pregnancy is the last thing Pepper needs to be dealing with. So when he gets like this, he works. He likes the familiar ache in his arms after repeatedly lifting something heavy, of the burn he feels in his hands after prying off a particularly rusted bolt or piece of metal that's in his way.
Sensations like that are welcome to Tony. It's repetitive and requires little concentration, so it's easy for him to focus on the bad parts, the doubts and insecurities in his brain, and work on pushing them down in a place where they can't bother him or Pepper either one. It's not the healthiest coping mechanism, and lately he's been doing really well about going to Pepper with his problems if they're something he thinks she can handle. But this time? This time it's different. He knows she can't handle it because even he can't handle it. He doesn't even know how he'd even attempt to tackle the latest round of "Tony Stark Has Issues."
"Pep," he tries to start again. He's not sure what else to say, so he raises both of his hands in the air, almost as if he's surrendering to something. "I can't sleep. Not yet."
Pepper heaves a sigh and drops her hand from under Tony's chin and moves her hand to join the other one that is cradling her bump. She regards him for a moment before giving his leg a slight nudge with her own.
"Couch," she tells him as she gestures to the small couch along the far wall. "I'm not asking," she adds, seeing the argumentative side of him flare slightly.
If there's one thing she's learned, it's that sometimes Tony just needs to talk about the problems he's dealing with. Getting him to realize that himself isn't always the easiest, however. Pepper takes a seat at one end of the couch and pulls one leg underneath her as she shifts toward Tony who's sitting at the other end. Neither one of them speak for several minutes and Tony often breaks eye contact and instead focuses on his dirty hands that are resting limply in his lap.
"I'll sit here all night if I have to," she finally tells him. "What's going on in that genius brain of yours?"
"It's nothing," he tries telling her as he scrubs a hand over his face which causes the grease on his cheek to smear even more. "I've just got a bit on my mind is all, I guess. You need your rest, Pep. Please just go to bed, get some sleep. You won't even know that I'm not there."
There's a pleading in Tony's voice now, a pleading that hadn't been there before. Pepper knows what that means—can make a pretty educated guess as to what it is that's gotten him so upset—and she also knows that this is exactly the time to not leave him alone to his own devices. She knows he doesn't drink like he used to, but she also knows Tony has secret bottles of very expensive scotch and bourbon hiding somewhere up here and that judging by the look in his eyes, he's not far off from thinking he needs a glass... or four.
"It's about your parents again, isn't it?" She asks softly. She doesn't say exactly what she means, that it's Howard that is sending Tony into this downward spiral, but Tony knows that's what she means, and that's enough to cause him to visibly flinch.
"I don't want to do this right now, Pep."
"You never want to do this, but you need to do this. I'm right here, Tony. I'm not going to go anywhere while you tell me what's wrong; I can handle it. If I can survive the three months you were being held in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan, I can handle you being a little vulnerable for once." She takes the silence that falls between them as an opportunity to shift a little closer to Tony and she takes one of his hands in hers, noticing the fresh scrapes across his knuckles from where his skin has come into contact with the rough edges of metal.
This is something else she's learned about Tony—comfortable silences usually tend to push him to open up a little easier. If she has to guess, she would say that it's the sound of no judgement—or anything that can be interpreted as such—that compels him to talk to her. Well, that and the fact that he knows she will gently push the issue until he finally relents.
"Howard was a good man, yeah?"
Tony's question catches Pepper off guard and she looks up at him with a quizzical look on her face as she intertwines their fingers.
"Most people would say that he was a good man, he did a lot for the community and the tech industry. I wouldn't say I'm the best judge of his character though, Tony. I didn't actually know your father."
Tony shakes his head, already getting flustered with himself. Pepper has come to recognize this as a typical thing for him to do when he gets frustrated and he's not able to articulate exactly what he means.
"No, no. He was a good man. Like you said, he did so much for the industry and the public. He shared some of his biggest breakthroughs in the science and technology fields, helped pave the way for future generations to continue his work—me being one of those individuals. He was a good man, Pepper. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or didn't actually know Howard Stark. The man was a genius, and it showed."
There’s a look on his face that tells Pepper he isn’t done talking, not just yet anyway, so she nods silently to show that she’s still following along with his train of thought and gives his hand a squeeze to encourage him to continue.
"But take all that away for a minute. Look at who Howard Stark the father was. He wasn't a good father, Pep. I mean, sure, yeah, I'm going to assume he loved me or whatever because isn't that what parents are supposed to do? It's there a switch or something that flips on the moment you become a parent that forces you to at least love your kid a little?"
Tony is on his feet in seconds, dropping Pepper's hand without a glance back at her. She startles a bit when he stands, the action catching her off guard, but just like she suspected, he's up and pacing. He's always said pacing helps him think, helps him put his jumbled thoughts into sentences that sound halfway decent and make sense.
"But just because he barely qualified for the role of 'dad' doesn't mean he was a good one. He was difficult, hard to connect to, hard to please. That's all I ever wanted to do for him Pepper—I just wanted to make him happy, to make him proud of what I'd accomplished. And none of that mattered—not to him. God," he stops his pacing for a moment, his back to Pepper, and he leans his head back as he gathers his thoughts.
"I want to be a good dad. Someone our kid can look up to without worrying whether or not daddy is going to take them to the park or send them off to spend the day with a nanny. People tell me all the time how much I remind them of Dad. What if I'm destined to be just like him in every sense? Hell, we even have some of the same mannerisms. Our baby doesn't deserve that, Pepper. They deserve so much more than that. They deserve a dad who cares and wants to be there every step of the way; what if I can't do that because of my fucked up Stark DNA?"
He's starting to breathe a little heavier, clearly getting worked up over the idea of turning out just like Howard, something that Tony despises. Sure, having the brains is one thing, but to potentially have the same paternal instinct as a man who never showed affection to his son once he got past his toddler years absolutely eats away at Tony from the inside out.
Pepper stands and shuffles her way across the floor until she's standing directly in front of Tony and she presses her forehead against his, a hand coming up to rest against the back of his head to keep him from pulling away before she's ready for him to do so. She's got to make him realize that things will be different, that just because people think he's a miniature version of Howard Stark doesn't mean that it's true.
"What makes you think you won't be a good dad? Who's the one who makes sure I take my prenatals every morning? Who has read every single baby book? Where's the man who was nearly ready to call a press conference to announce that we were pregnant? You don't give yourself enough credit where you should, Tony.”
There isn't even the slightest bit of doubt that Tony will be a good father. Pepper knows it, knows that he will be amazing the moment they get to meet their little baby for the first time. Howard Stark might've been lacking in the fatherhood department, but where Howard had his shortcomings, Tony makes up for it. Pepper's seen how he acts around Peter and Gwen's little girl, and Thor and Jane's little James. He's a natural, as if he's been around kids his entire life instead of being surrounded by technology and graduating from MIT at the ridiculously young age of 16.
Pepper drops her hand from the back of Tony's head and rests it on his shoulder, but he keeps his forehead to hers, his eyes closed. She can still make out how his jaw clenches, how he's still warring with something internally, but she can see that slowly starting to fade the longer they stand here like this.
"Our baby is going to have the best life. I'm pretty sure you were the one that said you'd screw up but that with my brains, everything would balance out. And you're not wrong about that. We're going to both stumble and probably make questionable decisions from time-to-time, but that's to be expected."
Pepper knows how hard it is for Tony to deal with his emotions when it comes to his father, but part of her is absolutely soaring at the fact that they've made this much progress in one night; it means he's getting better at opening up to her, at just laying everything at her feet without worrying about how she may or may not react.
When she finally pulls back, Tony opens his eyes, almost reluctantly, and just stares at her, as if he’s trying to commit every single thing about the woman in front of him to memory. God, he loves her. That’s one thing he’s certain about––he loves Pepper and she loves him back.
“I’m so afraid of losing you,” he blurts out, catching Pepper (and maybe even himself) off guard. Those words come as such a shock to her that she’s unsure of what to say at first, but luckily for her, Tony begins talking again.
“No really, I am. I’ve cheated the system so many times, cheated death. In all honesty, I should probably be in jail or dead, but I’m not. Instead I’m here with the woman I love more than life itself, more than the suits, than being part of the Avengers. I’m lucky, Pep. But I’m also unlucky. How many times have I lost the things and people that mean the most to me?”
This is a side of Tony that Pepper never sees. She’s seen him pretty vulnerable over the years, but she’s never seen him so… exposed. Not even when he found himself at the bottom of a bottle was he ever so exposed to her. But right now, he is so raw that Pepper is almost afraid to reach out and touch him for fear that he might feel physical pain if she does. She does decide to reach out to him, however, placing one hand against his cheek. He leans into her touch, as if it’s comforting, and he lets out a sigh that only someone with that much emotional turmoil can muster.
“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I just watch you sleep. You always look so peaceful lying there, and at least in those moments I know you’re okay. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t worry about a million different things all at once. I worry about you, about the baby. About whether or not I’m treating you right and whether or not I’m going to be a good father or if I’m going to turn into Howard. Shit, Pep, I worry about alien invasions and sentient robots, and all of the enemies I’ve created over the years and what that means for you and our growing family.”
He’s gotten himself worked up again, his arms crossed so tightly across his chest Pepper can see his veins straining. She’s sure his hands are in fists too, clenching and unclenching every so often, and as difficult as all of this is to process, she’s glad she pushed the issue tonight.
“Tony, sweetheart, breathe. You’re not going to lose me, I’ve told you a million times that I’m in this for the long haul. There isn’t a single thing in this world I would give you up for. Not a single thing, do you hear me? You and I are––,”
“Pepper, no, you’re not listening to what I’m saying!” he sounds frustrated as he tries to explain to Pepper exactly what he means. He feels overexposed, like there’s too much sensory overload for him to process things correctly. He’s nearing a full blown panic attack, and he’s sure Pepper is already picking up on it.
“Tony, where is this coming from?” Pepper asks, feeling more and more drained by the minute.
“Dad might not have been the greatest paternal figure in my life, but if there’s one thing I learned from him, it was how to treat a woman––the woman––right. Dad loved Mom more fiercely than anything and… goddamnit,” Tony chokes out, unfolding his arms so he can angrily wipe at the hot tears burning his eyes. “He loved her, Pep. He loved her and in the end he couldn’t even save her.”
Pepper pulls him to her then, her arms locked tight around his form as he automatically wraps his arms around her, face buried in her neck. The position is a little awkward because of Pepper’s bump, but they make do, and she brings a hand up to soothingly smooth over his hair. She waits until he’s completely calmed down and his shoulders aren’t shaking so hard before pressing a kiss to his temple.
“Listen to me,” Pepper says softly, her grip still just as tight on him. “You may be like your father in many ways, but it’s the good ways. You have flaws, yes, but they’re your flaws, not his. I knew from the very second you found out I was pregnant that you were going to make one of the best fathers on the entire planet; I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so happy, not even when I finally agreed that we could start dating. And I know becoming a parent is scary, but it’s okay to be scared. I’m just as scared as you are and if you weren’t scared, I’d be concerned. But we can and we will do this and you’re going to be you. Not your father, just you. You’ve got to stop worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. If it’s aliens or sentient robots, we’ll handle it… together. We’ve made it this far, right?”
Tony’s heart is so full and wants to break all at the same time. How in the world did he get so lucky, to have this woman come into his life and want to stay, to start a family with him? She is resilient, headstrong, and confident. Tony loves everything about her, from her temper to her extreme kindness. He doesn’t deserve her, not really. But she thinks he does, and if there’s anything Tony’s discovered over the years, it’s that he doesn’t argue with Pepper Potts about things like this.
Tony pulls away after a moment and presses his mouth against hers in a searing kiss that he hopes conveys everything he’s feeling and everything he wants to say but doesn’t know how to put into words.
“I love you, Pepper Potts,” he tells her when he finally pulls back, his hands going up to cup her cheeks, thumbs brushing across her cheekbones. “I don’t know how I’d get through most days without you.”
“I love you too. Now can we please go to bed?” she asks.
“That actually sounds like a really great idea,” he tells her with a nod. “That prototype isn’t going anywhere.”
Pepper has a hand on Tony’s arm and the grip she has tightens slightly, followed by a wince. Immediately, Tony goes into panic mode, his eyes frantically searching her face.
“Pep? Honey, is everything okay?”
It’s so hard for her not to let out a little chuckle at how concerned Tony seems––and he thinks he won’t be a good father.
“I’m okay. It’s nothing to worry about,” she tells him, rubbing the side of her belly. He gives her a skeptical look, not at all convinced that she’s telling the truth. Pepper notices the look he’s giving her and she smiles.
“Here, give me your hand.”
Pepper takes one of Tony’s hands in her own and places his palm flat against the side of her belly, her hand resting on top of his.
“Pep,” Tony says, sounding a little agitated. “What’s wrong? Why did you wince like––.”
The remainder of Tony’s sentence is lost as he feels a small, yet strong bump against the middle of his palm. His eyes widen in complete shock and he takes a step back, his hand still on her belly. He looks between Pepper’s grin and his hand and he can feel more tears––happy ones this time––pooling at the corners of his eyes.
“Pepper! The baby kicked!”
She can’t help the grin that’s spreading across her face at Tony’s reaction. “As soon as you started talking, they moved. Baby Stark here clearly recognizes who his or her daddy is and wanted to say hello.”
“Oh my God, this is… this is amazing, Pep!”
“Isn’t it though? We’re going to be okay, Tony. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out.”
Tony nods, looking down at his hand still resting on Pepper’s belly.
“You’re right. We’re going to figure this out… together.”