Chapter Text
Some people said it is best to start from the very beginning.
So he did just that.
___
Never ever did Kim Taehyung felt this kind of hatred before. He himself didn’t quite understand to whom these intense feelings belonged to. Was it himself, his friends, or his seemingly unlucky life? Taehyung never believed in luck anyway. To achieve something, you got to sacrifice something, was and still his motto of life. Or, at least that was what he learned from his current life experiences. He is still young, and he was barely moving on.
Sure, he got his bandmates. And sure, he’s lucky enough to have millions of fans cheering for him, for he is in a currently popular band.
What’s not to love?
Those girls cheering and squealing like crazy, he thought to himself, was always rooting for another person the whole time.
And his name is V.
And who might V be? You may ask.
The answer is no, Kim Taehyung himself doesn’t know.
This V whose face is always plastered on national TV, whose seemingly so passionate in taking the entertainment stage, suddenly became a fantasy.
A burdening one.
It all started when their manager barged carelessly into their dorm and demanded his presence.
He thought it was about their recent stage. Or about his seemingly decreasing amount of aegyos at recent fansigns.
But no, those options would be way better.
Because what Sejin said that day had crushed his childhood dreams. Two things he’s most passionate about.
“You know, Taehyung. You really need to look at the realistic side. You can’t act like you could hold two things at once forever.”
Sejin’s statement startled him.
“What do you mean?” he asked back.
“The things you do with these…Hwarang hyungs. They really made you fell behind upon your schedules. And you do realize that those schedules can’t be rearranged easily, do you not?”
Taehyung gulped. It was clearly not the reaction he expected, given the way he’s still able to fulfill their schedules respectfully.
“Is that a problem?”
“Well, what do you think, Kim? You really think it’s nice having you all sleepy and grouchy from all those ‘friendship trips’ you had with them? Do you think it was nice of you to just go and neglect your fellow members like that?”
Taehyung froze. He could tell that he had been catching all the members attention. He tried maintaining his blank expression as he started speaking. “I’m sorry, but there must be a misunderstanding. I actually smiled and acted nice to the fans, the complete opposite of what you just stated. And I certainly didn’t just go and neglect my members,” he emphasized those last six words. “I left them a message saying that I’ll be taking a little detour after finishing the jacket photo shoot.” Taehyung stated firmly, holding his gaze against Sejin’s.
“What about all those live stages and group activities you missed, hm? And those free times you spent with them, instead of being in the studio recording?”
Taehyung felt like he was crushed with a bus weighing tons. Yes, he acknowledged silently that maybe he had gone many times meeting his fellow actors, but it was because he needed help. He never had such experience in the field, therefore he had to act with experienced actors. He thought it won’t hurt if he asked for one or two advices from them.
“Well, Taehyung, as your group official manager, I can’t help you for what you did,” Sejin continued, ignoring the fact that Taehyung’s face had been blue the whole time. “It seemed as if you’re unwilling to hold the responsibility as an idol. It’s like you prioritized your relationship with fellow rising actors than your, well, old bandmates.”
“Fans even claimed that you preferred acting than being an idol. As your official manager, I couldn’t deny it because they had evidences against you.”
That triggered the alarm. Taehyung’s face fell, he could feel his whole face flushed as those petty words flew from Sejin’s mouth. His breath hitched for a moment, but fortunately he succeeded in regaining his composure back.
“What are you really implying?” he asked rather coldly, almost in a defensive tone.
“That you care about them more than you care about us.” suddenly a small voice joined in, sounding emotionally unbalance. All heads turned to face Jimin, his small figure looking rather displeased and shaky.
“Jimin..” Taehyung muttered his friend’s name slowly. “It’s clearly not like that..”
“Is it, Taehyung?” another one joined, this time in a more degrading tone. It belonged to none other than Jeon Jeongguk himself. “Well, it’s clear that you can’t even make a good excuse.”
Taehyung was beginning to feel all fed up. “I’m not making excuses-”
“You’re not, then?”
“It’s true. I’m not a-”
“You’re not a what, hm? You’re gonna tell us that you’re not a two face you so are?”
Taehyung took a step back, feeling overwhelmed.
Was that his fellow mates had labelled him? A two face?
“You didn’t get the message, didn’t you?” Jeongguk kept on pressing him. “We’re making you choose.”
Choose what? Taehyung couldn’t register what Jeongguk said next.
“You should choose whether to stick with us, or follow that acting career of yours,” he stated coldly. “It’s us or those Hwarang hyungs.”
Those words rang inside his mind, reverberating between his brain tissues like golden bells sitting atop the church tower. Even in the eerie silence of their producer’s studio, Taehyung still couldn’t think straight. Ever since the commotion, his actions were pathetic. Locking himself inside a studio that wasn’t his, gloomily re-evaluating his meaning of life even though he is still young, even when guys his age is supposedly having fun, finding the real meaning of youth. Taehyung chose a sanctuary instead.
If only he was allowed to explain himself.
Suddenly, the studio steel door opened, revealing a tight-lipped Kim Seokjin.
Taehyung held his head warily for a second, but slumped right back when he realized who the culprit was.
“Taehyung,” Jin called out softly.
“Hyung,” was all Taehyung could manage as a reply.
“Tae, I’m sorry for-”
“It’s not your doing.” Taehyung interrupted, stopping Jin from whatever he was going to say.
One thing, the only one thing that annoyed tae about Jin is that his hyung was always apologizing for anything he didn’t do- just like this case.
“But it’s really-” Seokjin persisted.
“I said it’s not you.” Tae dismissively said. He realized how rude that perhaps sounded to Seokjin, but he was so tired he couldn’t bring himself to make it better.
Jin sighed. “okay,” he started. “But I’m not going anywhere until you feel better.” he plopped himself on a seat in front of Taehyung, grinning mischievously.
Taehyung tried not to smile, these weird sensations creeping up inside his body. It was those stupid feelings Kim Seokjin could make him feel at times. Sometimes it appeared as a tingly sensation inside his stomach. Sometimes he even felt like his insides were melting.
“Tae, can you put any music on?” Jin suddenly said, his eyes scanning the stacks of music album aligned in a nearby shelf.
Taehyung arched an eyebrow, confused by Seokjin’s odd request.
“I just thought it’ll be awkward to sit here with you without any music playing, no?”
Tae let out a big sigh. “Why are you doing this?”
Seokjin spun in his chair, facing Taehyung. “I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do,” he answered. “Even if that means jamming into another Celine Dion stuff.”
Taehyung couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Actually, she is pretty good in singing upbeat tunes.” and that sent both of them into a round of head banging, blending into the music blasting from the studio speaker.
Taehyung swore he could go on and on like that without stopping if not for a groan coming from Seokjin.
“Hyung! Are you okay?” Taehyung scurried to his side, unconsciously draping his arm’s over Seokjin’s torso.
“I’m okay,” Seokjin said, his voice low with a hint of…exhaustion. “It’s just…perhaps head banging is too much for me.” he said sheepishly, smiling. “It’s nothing.”
“Okay,” was Taehyung’s respond. “Uhm, are you feeling like laying down for a while?”
Seokjin hesitated for a second, then he finally nodded and succumbed into the warmth of the cream-colored couch sitting in the middle of the room. Taehyung watched silently as Seokjin made himself comfortable, arming himself with a fluffy pillow.
Another groan came from him, a little subtler this time. It’s debatable whether he was in pain or he was just making a satisfied groan down his throat.
Taehyung’s hand shot upwards, but he stopped mid-air. Was he in a position to comfort Seokjin right now? Should he just leave Seokjin and do nothing? Taehyung felt a prick of anxiety inside him. He has been stuck into a situation like this countless times, yet his brain seemingly froze every time Taehyung went too close to Seokjin.
Thank you very much for the betrayal, brain.
“Taehyung, are you alright?” Seokjin’s voice was the one waking him up from his silly thoughts. Taehyung jolted a little. Omuhgod, how long has he been staring with an awkward hand position like this?
“Sorry.” is all he could think of a respond.
Jin tilted his head in confusion. “What for?”
“I hope you’ll have a nice rest,” Taehyung blurted out. “I mean- I’ll just leave and-”
He closed the studio door at top speed.
Nice one, Kim. You dork. Taehyung could hear his self-esteem talking. It’s official now. Everyone’ll think you’re weird.
Taehyung shimmied down the wall. He tightened his grip around his head. Shut up, shut up, shut up, he cussed.
Seokjin won’t think he’s weird, right? He’ll understand the situation.
Of course he will.
Since when did you get such confidence? his self-esteem asked in mockery. Taehyung didn’t dare to answer.
All he could register was a rushing pain coming up his head.
___
“Wake up.”
Somebody had been shaking his shoulders for a while, clearly in a rushed manner.
“Hey, Tae. You gotta wake up.”
Taehyung opened his eyes, facing a panicked-looking Namjoon.
“We’re going to the hospital.”
He blinked several times, still brain-dead from being woken up from a deep sleep.
“Come on, the car’s waiting.” Namjoon heaved, lifting Taehyung and dragged him down the dim hallway.
“Who’s-who’s hospitalized?” miraculously, Taehyung succeeded in registering some information into his head.
Namjoon looked at him straight in the eye.
“Seokjin.” he stated matter-of-factly.
Taehyung’s mouth quickly shut upon hearing the man’s name. Dread began to fill his insides.
“But-but-what-happened-” he stuttered, failing to deliver any meaningful sentence.
Namjoon made him seat beside their other manager, who looked beyond stressed. “That’s what we’ve been trying to find out. Come on.”
Tahyung fastened his belt as quickly as he could. He could feel uneasiness creeping through his body the whole ride.
____
“Hypotension?” Namjoon asked, sounding disbelieved.
“Yes,” the doctor standing in front of him confirmed. “Mr. Kim had been feeling pain and nausea on various occasions, often experienced headaches and his heart rate was below normal. They are positive signs of hypotension.”
Taehyung’s heart fell. He noticed it, everybody did. How Seokjin seemingly always looked tired after their performance. He used to cough once or twice, Taehyung even caught the times Seokjin had to seat for a while to catch his breath.
He never thought it will be this serious.
Namjoon sighed, throwing glances at other members. “Can we see him now?”
Please,Taehyung added quietly. Please let me see him.
“Sure,” the doctor nodded, handing him Seokjin’s room number. “I’ll be at my room if you need anything else.”
“That’s quite enough, doc. Thank you.” Namjoon bowed towards the doctor, who simply bowed back.
He then walked pass the alley, Taehyung quick on his heels. He stopped for a while, successfully finding the right number written in the card. Gently, he turned the steel knob around.
“Jin?” Namjoon called out. The said person’s name replied in a soft voice, allowing the group’s presence. Namjoon opened the door fully, and the sick man’s figure finally came on sight.
“Jin-hyung!” Jimin and Hoseok cried in unison.
“We missed you!”
“Yeah, it’s not the same without you, hyung.” Yoongi admitted, although he refused making eye contact with Seokjin.
“I miss your cooking.” Jungkook added.
Taehyung kept his mouth shut, showing his signature smile instead. What if the others know that he was the one leaving Seokjin alone just like that? He felt something rising inside his chest. Seokjin was lying.
He was lying to Taehyung, saying that he was fine.
Taehyung bit his lips, trying not to focus on the harsh truth he just found out. He lowered his eyes, looking at the marble floor instead.
“Sorry for being late. We got a little set-back.” he subtly glanced at Taehyung. The accused one didn’t dare to glance back, keeping his eyes down.
“It’s okay, Namjoon. I was having checkups, anyway.” Seokjin reassured him.
“Do you need something?” Hoseok offered. “Maybe you’re hungry, or-”
Though he looked hesitant at first, Seokjin quickly chimed in. “It’s okay, Hoseok. Can I talk to Taehyung alone, please?”
The said man’s name froze. Did he hear him right? Seokjin wanted to talk to him, alone?
“Su-sure,” Taehyung quacked, mentally cursing himself for stuttering.
Although the others gave them a weird look, Seokjin looked rather pleased when the door finally closed. Leaving only him and Taehyung inside.
Seokjin locked eyes with Taehyung. He sighed. “Tae-” he began, but his word was cut short.
“I’m sorry. Didn’t know you had it this whole time.” Taehyung butted-in, speaking as fast as he could. He didn’t realize his unintended sarcasm coloring the statement.
Seokjin looked a bit surprised. “Of course you didn’t know. I..” he faltered, looking a bit ashamed. “I never told you before.”
Ouch. Back it again with the whole lying thing.
“Why,” Taehyung tried speaking without stuttering. His voice was so soft that Jin had to bend his body forward a little. “Why did you hide the truth, hyung?”
Seokjin was about to answer, but Taehyung wasn’t done.
“Is it because I can’t be trusted?” Tae managed to hold eye contact with Jin. He tried not to, but his eyes were starting to water. “Is it, hyung?”
Seokjin’s expression changed. “I went too far, didn’t I?”
Before Taehyung could reply with anything, Seokjin continued. “Hear me out first, okay? Of course I trust you, Tae. I really do. It’s just..”
Seokjin sighed heavily. “There’s already enough problems going inside your head, is it not?”
Taehyung slumped in the sofa, suddenly feeling exhausted. He let out a shaky breath.
“I’ve been watching you the whole time, Tae. You looked exhausted, angry, frightened and…I truly think you needed some rest.”
“I didn’t know what to do, Tae. All I know, is that people sometimes find healing in others. So I did just that. But I accidently showed you something… that I wasn’t fond to share.”
“I..” Seokjin seemed hesitant. “I don’t want to burden you even more, Taehyung.”
Taehyung felt guilt, pure guilt impaling him. He didn’t know how to respond. Seokjin looked so weak and fragile, the complete opposite of his usual aura. The Seokjin he knew was composed, ever-so-gentle, the perfect brother Taehyung had worshipped ever since he laid eyes on the boy.
Where did that perfect hyung went? Taehyung shivered mentally. Did he just crashed Seokjin’s composed persona, unveiling his not-so-perfect side?
“Hyung,” he whispered, peeling himself off the sofa. He inched closer towards Seokjin. “I- I didn’t know you were feeling that way.”
Seokjin looked his way, and Taehyung swore his heart just skipped a beat. Seokjin’s eyes were watery, shimmering under the bright light that illuminated his brown orbs perfectly. It was the emptiness- the hollow feeling inside Seokjin’s eyes that made Taehyung’s heart jumped.
Suddenly, he felt rage over himself. Seokjin didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve feeling this ashamed nor guilty, for Taehyung had put him in a tight spot.
“Hyung,” Taehyung tried again. “I’m so sorry.”
Seokjin shook his head. “Why are you still apologizing?”
Honestly, he didn’t know. This whole thing is confusing enough, he didn’t get the chance to rationalize the unfamiliar feeling inside his chest.
“Just-hyung. I never knew, I-I shouldn’t have made any assumptions and-”
Taehyung jumped a little, feeling Seokjin’s slender fingers slipped on his.
“Taehyung, don’t. It’s not your fault. It was me.” he sighed, seeming a little stressed.
“Now, I’m a burden to you all,” he looked at Taehyung. “I’m sorry.”
That left Taehyung wanting to scream, wanting to tell Seokjin that he’ll never be a burden to them. Never to him.
“No-” he started, but Seokjin cut him short.
“I know, Tae. Even if Namjoon will never tell me, I know that I’m beginning to be a burden of the group.”
Taehyung resisted the urge to cup Seokjin’s face. “No, hyung. I am.”
Seokjin seemed wordless for a moment. “Tae, don’t talk about yourself like this.”
“Then you shouldn’t too,” Taehyung deadpanned, suddenly feeling emotional. “Nevertheless, I know that I was the one they labelled as a flaw.”
Seokjin suddenly sat up, pulling Tae so suddenly he stumbled onto Seokjin’s bed.
“You’re not a flaw,” Seokjin’s voice suddenly became shaky. “You’re smart, funny-”
“Hyung, stop. I know what they’re saying about me. ‘our silly Taehyung, suddenly getting all the attention?’” Taehyung mimicked in an accidental mockery tone. “No wonder they hate seeing me act.”
Tears were brimming in the corner of Taehyung’s eyes.
Seokjin bit his lips. “Tae, they didn’t mean it, ok?” Seokjin stated in the gentlest tone he could be. “They are stressed too, Taehyung. With all the expectations and boundaries set for them.”
Taehyung tried to hold a bitter smile. “So you finally acknowledge that-”
“But they care so much about you,” Seokjin added quickly, fearing Taehyung will get the wrong message. “That’s why they are angry when you’re close with someone else. Don’t get them wrong, they wanted you to be successful too.”
“They once told me they were worried because you seemed stressed of all the attention you got. They fear you’ll push yourself too hard.”
Taehyung swallowed a lump down his throat. Was he making assumptions towards his hyungs as well?
“They don’t want to loose you, Taehyung. They like you, so much.” Seokjin finished, his hand was still entwined with Tae’s.
“Do you?” Taehyung blurted out before he could even process the words he just said. He took a sharp inhale, bracing for Seokjin’s answer. “Do you like me too?”
He expected the other to push him away, saying their relationship is not like that.
He never expected Seokjin to move forward, arms engulfing Taehyung in a bear-hug.
It seemed that Taehyung’s brain had stop functioning. He froze, sitting there in such an awkward manner.
Seokjin is hugging him. Kim fucking Seokjin is hugging him.
Taehyung fumbled, failing to keep his cool. It wasn’t helping that Seokjin’s cologne turned out to be Taehyung’s favorite scent. Fresh cotton.
He is also well aware of how Seokjin’s hand had find a way towards his nape, caressing him gently through the strands of his hair.
“Let’s just stay like this for a while, hm?” Seokjin whispered, sounding a little hopeful.
Tae prayed to god that Seokjin wouldn’t see his face, all flustered and red with embarrassment. He can’t help but to grin foolishly.
So he did what Seokjin asked.