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i.
it begins because namjoon is lonely.
it's just a slightly hollow feeling in his chest, a tremble in his fingers. nothing big, nothing aching. but honestly, it's agitating, and namjoon really just wants it to go away, so when seokjin bumps into him, laughing and a little tipsy and---is he tipsier than namjoon or is it the other way around? namjoon is just feeling a little heavy and a little sad and he's not really sure how to measure himself like this, so---he kisses him.
it doesn't feel like anything. just warm, just wet. it's ok. honestly the kiss is just, sort of lackluster, but seokjin's smile afterwards. it's bright and beautiful and it makes namjoon less lonely. it makes him want to do it again.
really, he should have known he was in trouble from the beginning.
ii.
they fall into a pattern easily. they hold hands under tables, they stand together always, shoulders and fingers brushing, they kiss in the dark, in corners and hallways when everyone else is asleep, or just too drunk to realize what's happening. they fall into bed together sometimes too, and sometimes there's sex, but mostly namjoon just needs to feel someone else's body next to his, and maybe that should have been a sign.
it probably should have been a sign, but---
it was comfortable, and warm, and namjoon didn't have to feel lonely, like this.
iii.
jimin notices first. surprisingly, or maybe not, namjoon doesn't mind much when jimin puts his chin on his shoulder, and asks sweetly---because jimin is always sweet and unassuming, up until the very second he isn't---"joonie, are you in love with jin-hyung?"
he's just a little surprised is all, which is why he stumbles and drops the plate of stir fry he was carrying, and jimin watches in mild fascination as it shatters and food and glass fly everywhere.
he's just never really thought about it like that. that being in love with seokjin was something that he could do, or, more accurately, would want. so he's not really sure how to answer jimin, except to tell him the truth.
"i see," jimin says quietly, as he hands him a plastic bag and some kleenex. "it's just that you hold hands a lot, and you kiss too when you think i'm not looking, but i haven't really heard you guys have sex, so i thought that either you were like, as shy as a virgin, or you were probably in love with him, and the first one doesn't really match up, so---" he pauses and frowns at namjoon, not quite disappointedly, but almost. "sorry, i should have just---" and namjoon, who has been watching jimin carefully, and had noticed the stiffness of his shoulders, combined with the slight tremble of his upper lip, smiles and reaches out, ruffling his hair until jimin pushes his hand away in annoyance.
"hey," he says calmly, even though his heart is thudding a little too loudly, and his fingers are trembling a little too---
"hey," he says, an easy smile stretching across his face, "it's cool. that was a pretty easy conclusion to come to. you don't have to be sorry about it."
jimin stares down at his hands, blinking rapidly, and then---
"i've been in love with boys before," he says, so quietly, but namjoon hears it, hears it as if he had screamed it, and it all fits quietly into place. so he reaches out again, this time to rub at his shoulder gently.
"jimin," he says, "that's ok. it's good to love people."
for some reason, his words have never come easier than this.
"now, come on, we should throw this shit away before seokjin comes to nag at us for not being at the dinner table."
"before i what?" seokjin's voice says, sternly, but when namjoon looks up his eyes are twinkling, and he's biting back a smile.
"oh no," namjoon says, monotone, as he and jimin stand, still holding onto each other's arms tightly.
"we're in trouble now," he says, winking at seokjin exaggeratedly. seokjin purses his lips and puts his hands on his hips.
"kim namjoon," he says, voice trembling with suppressed laughter, "you're on the couch for a week."
right then, namjoon sort of understands that he could be falling in love with kim seokjin, but he doesn't really think it matters.
iv.
it's not a problem, at first.
it's not, really, because namjoon has what he needs. something comfortable, something warm, something that makes him less lonely. it's ok if it's not exactly what he wants.
it's ok.
except, then yoongi figures it out. and then he's staring at him, dark eyes casually piercing through namjoon like he can see the universe, or whatever, and suddenly it's real.
"stop it," he says, brittle, after he's had like three, maybe four drinks.
"i'm not doing anything," yoongi says, but his eyes are suddenly brighter, and it takes everything in namjoon not to wipe that look off of his face. yoongi smiles like he knows and namjoon---
"whatever," he says, letting his breath out slowly. "just, whatever."
"you know," yoongi says, and namjoon freezes in the doorway. "you should just tell him. like, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
"i could really fuck everything up," namjoon says quietly. "yeah," yoongi says readily, and namjoon hates him a little, just a little. "but that wouldn't be the end of the world, right? people fuck up all of the time. you fuck up all of the time." yoongi brushes past him, his fist knocking not quite gently on his shoulder. "honestly," he says, lips twitching into a smirk, "i think you'll fuck it up more if you say nothing."
v.
namjoon avoids seokjin just a little bit after that. it's unnoticeable, or at least it's supposed to be. of course, jungkook notices, and if jungkook notices, then everyone else, seokjin especially, probably notices too.
"hey," jungkook throws out sleepily, rolling over to face namjoon. and at first, namjoon thinks this is just another one of jungkook's late night chit chats. and it is, sort of, except this time it's about namjoon and not how much jungkook misses his mom.
"why are you avoiding seokjin?" he says, and namjoon is too---not shocked exactly, but afraid and a little annoyed, to reprimand him for the casual way he spoke.
"i'm not really avoiding him," he says quietly, and jungkook snorts.
"sure," he says, "except you haven't snuck into his bed in like, a week, and he probably misses you."
namjoon startles at that, falling out of his bed with a loud thud, and jungkook stares down at him, eyebrows pinched together in confusion.
"was that... supposed to be a secret?" he asks, and he looks slightly embarrassed, but namjoon is pretty sure it's more secondhand embarrassment than anything else.
"um," namjoon squeaks, "um, yeah, that. yeah?"
jungkook stares down at him silently, and he looks seriously disappointed. "seriously," he says, monotone. "seriously, namjoon. you're the worst at keeping secrets." and namjoon just sighs, because, yeah. apparently.
"seriously," jungkook says again, "seriously, i bet even seokjin knows you're in love with him."
and, shit.
namjoon struggles to stand, tripping over his blankets and kicking them away, scrambling towards the door.
"wait," jungkook says suspiciously, "what are you--- where---"
namjoon doesn't say anything, just stumbles out of the door and down the hall.
iv.
"get out," he says as he trips into seokjin and yoongi's room, and yoongi, almost asleep, glares at him.
"what the fuck," he says, "are you sexiling me? you can't do that. you're not my roommate. seokjin. tell him he can't do that."
and namjoon looks over at seokjin, and hes sitting stiffly, wide awake, mouth a thin line, and namjoon swallows hard.
"no, i'm not, i'm, christ. just get out. please. give me like, ten minutes."
yoongi stares at him blankly for two very ling very awful seconds.
"fine. oh my god. what the fuck," he says finally, pulling his blankets around him like a cape and stumbling out of the room.
"ok," namjoon says once the door is shut, "ok." seokjin is looking at him carefully, and namjoon can't really handle being this far away from him, so he goes and kneels down beside seokjin's bed.
"ok," he says, breathing deeply, and he just wants to lay his head down, so he does.
after a couple of seconds seokjin reaches out and brushes his hands through namjoon's hair.
"namjoon," he says quietly, "we can stop if you want to."
the words hang heavily over namjoon, and he breathes them in and he breathes them out. he could stop this if he wanted to. he doesn't want to, so he raises his head to look seokjin in the eyes. he just feels that if he's going to tell someone like this, he should let them see his eyes.
"seokjin," he says slowly, his gaze never wavering, "i don't want to stop. what i want is to just be able to love you in the way that i do. it doesn't really matter to me if you love me back, only that it's ok that i love you." he takes a deep breath, and seokjin's eyes are bright, maybe glassy, but they never leave his.
"just let me love you, please, seokjin."
he doesn't realize he's crying until seokjin's hand comes down to cup his cheek, his thumb rubbing gently beneath his eye.
"you're really stupid," he breathes, a smile trembling at his lips. "i've loved you much longer than you've loved me."
"i'm sorry," namjoon says shakily, "that i took so long to catch up to you."
"no," seokjin says, smiling big and bright and beautiful, "i was ok just loving you."
and because seokjin's smile always makes namjoon want to kiss him, he leans up and pulls him down.
after that, he's a lot less lonely, because even when he feels heavy and sad he knows seokjin is right beside him.