Work Text:
Sasha finds it mostly by accident, because the email is still open on Andre’s laptop when they get there to pick him up. Once he sees it, he can’t help but want to read every word. Before Andre can come out and see him snooping, he sends a copy to his own email and deletes all traces of it. Nicke—moving around the kitchen, cleaning up and mumbling in Swedish—is none the wiser, and Sasha is okay with that.
Sasha opens the attachment the second Nicke falls asleep on the couch that evening and smiles. It’s a scanned copy of something that looks like it started as a handwritten list on a piece of notebook paper. There are three different people’s writing in the earliest pages and at least four different fonts in the ones that follow. The second page is the table of contents, complete with the name of the person who wrote the entry and a date. Sasha turns to the first entry and starts to read, stopping occasionally to laugh and run his fingers through Nicke's hair.
When he gets to the end, Sasha puts his tablet down and smiles to himself, still barely containing his laughter. He looks down at Nicke for a long moment and imagines the embarrassed smile that would come across his face if he saw it, then clicks the arrow in the corner of the screen and types:
I found this. I think Kolya would laugh if I showed him. Can you make one that's even better? He hits send and goes back to reading, scrolling up to reread his favorite parts a second time. A few minutes later, his phone vibrates against his thigh and he fishes it out of the pocket of his sweats.
Of course I can, give me a week. And then another, immediately after. How PG are you wanting to keep it? Sasha thinks for a few seconds and then breaks into a smile.
Not at all. I send you all the information, make Nicky blush all the way to his belly. He doesn’t even have time to put his phone down before it vibrates again.
Deal.
It doesn't even take a week for the package to end up in Sasha's stall. He sees it as they come off of the ice and smiles, looking at the flowing Cyrillic on the front and laughing.
There's a copy in your email too, but I thought you'd like the paper and I know Kolya will. Have fun. Sasha shakes his head and tucks the envelope into his bag before Nicke can see it or Zhenya can read the words and steal it out of his hands. He decides not to read it before he gives it to Nicke and hands it to him after dinner when He drops down next to him on the couch.
"This is for you. Thought we could read together," Nicke raises an eyebrow and pops the seal on the envelope, eyes going wide when he sees the cover page. Sasha smiles and shrugs, reaching across him to turn the page.
The Care and Feeding of Murder Swede:
Everything You Needed to Know and Some You Didn’t.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
Table of Contents:
Murder Swede and His Murder Moods
Written by: T.J. Oshie, Tom Wilson, and Evgeny Kuznetsov.
Lying or Dying
Written by: Braden Holtby and T.J. Oshie with side commentary courtesy of Evgeny Kuznetsov.
When Someone’s Hurt and No One Wants To Die
Written by: Evgeny Kuznetsov with translation assistance.
Spoiling Your Murder Swede
Written by: Aleksandr Ovechkin
Piece by Piece
Written by: Aleksandr Ovechkin
Building Him a Home
Written by: Aleksandr Ovechkin
Murder Swede and His Murder Moods
A step-by-step guide to figuring out why Papa is being an asshole (and the basic first step to fixing it so you don’t die)
Why is Papa grumpy?
Has he eaten?
If no, find food, force him to eat it, and reevaluate.
If yes, skip to the next question.
Has he had a nap?
If no, keep your distance. There’s nothing you can do to fix it and the best thing for everyone is to stay out of the way.
Alternative: Blame Sasha and skip to the final step.
If yes, skip to the next question.
Is Sasha close by?
If no, find Sasha and lie through your teeth to get him into the room without letting Papa hear you do it.
Sometimes all you have to say is that Papa wants him, sometimes you have to bodily drag him until he sees him. Do what you have to do.
Is Sasha grumpy?
If Sasha is grumpy, Papa is grumpy. But, Sasha doesn’t like grumpy Papa any more than the kids do.
If Sasha being grumpy is what’s making Papa grumpy, all you have to do is ask Sasha if Papa’s okay. Dad will say ‘yes, why?’ and you will say 'he seems sad/mad/grumpy/down’. This is all you do.
Sasha will drop whatever he is doing, collect Papa, and disappear. When they come back, everything will be fine. Do not look for them, do not think about where they might have gone or what they might be doing, and don’t mention anything about it once they’re back. You don’t want to know and Papa will kill you in your sleep if you try to find out. Or he’ll tell you, and that is always, always worse.
Lying or Dying.
Alternatively Titled: When you give a Swede his Russian.
What do to while Sasha is making sure Papa doesn’t kill you.
When Papa is grumpy, there’s a reason. Sometimes you’ll know immediately, sometimes you’ll have to guess. If you don’t know, start at the top of the list above and work your way down until you fix the problem. Sometimes, if you’re short on time, you can skip straight to the bottom and just shove Sasha in his direction until he gets the point.
Just shove Sasha closer, literally shove him in Papa’s general direction until Papa can physically see him and he can see Papa. Don’t tell him why, just find a way to get him as close as possible. Sometimes this may mean you have to lie to your Captain. He will forgive you. Sasha’s good at figuring out what’s wrong with Papa and will keep you from dying in your sleep.
If it looks like Sasha’s going to need time to fix whatever’s making Papa grumpy, accidentally lock them in a room somewhere. The coaches* will ask where they are eventually and when they do you will either:
a.) Be so busy lacing your skates that you don’t have time to answer stupid questions.
b.) Suddenly forget how to speak English.
c.) Promise with your sweetest media smile that you have no idea where your Captain and his Murder Swede could have possibly gone.
If the coaches continue to ask, offer ‘helpful suggestions’, like ‘have you looked in the kitchen?’, ‘I saw Nicky working on his sticks a few minutes ago,’ and ‘I think Ovi was going to see the trainers**.’ These suggestions are best given all at once and should continue until whoever is asking throws their hands up in exasperation.
When you lie, pretend you’re lying to the press and smile like you mean it.
Notes:
*Barry Trotz either knows they’re together and doesn’t give a single fuck about it, or is intentionally sticking his head in the sand because he doesn’t give a single fuck about it, either way, he’s going to know you’re lying and he’s going to let it go. He will probably respond to your lies by telling you to send one or both of them to him when they’re done. You should still lie, just know that it isn’t going to matter. When he asks you to send them his way, you will smile and nod and say ‘of course, coach, I’ll let them know you want to see them.’ He will leave and that will be the end of it.
**The trainers are the exception to the ‘lie and smile like you mean it’ rule. The trainers know everything. The trainers will help you lie to everyone up to and including the press. Use them.
When Someone’s Hurt and No One Wants to Die.
RULE ONE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. This applies whether it’s Dad that gets hurt or it’s Papa, get out of the way, get everyone else out of the way, and stay out of the way. This is how you stay alive.
If Dad is hurt:
Papa will fly off the ice* like it has personally insulted his mother and he will go straight for the trainers. He will burst through the door and he will be told everything he wants to know and the trainers will not even bat an eye at the way he holds onto Dad’s hand because as we discussed previously, the trainers know everything. You should be like the trainers or you might die in your sleep.
If Papa is the one that gets hurt:
Get out of the way, get others out of the way, and stay out of the way. Yes, we know that was already said, but we are going to say it again.
GET OUT OF THE WAY, GET OTHERS OUT OF THE WAY, AND STAY OUT OF THE WAY.
Dad is bigger than Papa, he is louder than Papa, and he is like a big Russian freight train. He will not stop from the time the buzzer sounds to the time he gets to Papa and sees with his own eyes that Papa is okay. He nearly flattened an equipment assistant in 2011** because they didn’t get out of the way fast enough, do not make the same mistake.
Dad will calm down when he finds Papa and sees that he’s okay, but not before. Papa will tell the trainers to open the door before Dad even gets to it so he doesn’t break it down and then once he’s inside the room he will be okay.*** Stay out of the way and you will be fine.****
Notes:
*You may read this and chuckle, because Dad is fast and Papa is slow. This is a lie, you have been bamboozled, and you will be flattened if you underestimate the seriousness of Papa will fly off of the ice. Papa will move faster than you have ever seen him move and he will clear the way by force of will or force of body. Don’t make it be the latter or you too will miss the next period.
**The poor man had to jump up onto an equipment trunk just to avoid him and still nearly ended up on the floor on top of a reporter.
***If it’s serious enough that Dad misses the next period or the rest of the game, be prepared for angry Papa and remember that if he’s cursing and hitting you with his murder eyes, he isn’t doing it to the other team and you won’t have to explain to Dad why Papa got in a fight and you let it happen.
****If it’s Papa that misses the next period or the rest of the game, Dad will end someone—probably whoever was responsible for the injury and if not them the Captain is the next preferable choice. Be prepared for this. If you’re going to fight, fighting for Papa is a good way to make sure your Captain is okay with it and the penalties you end up taking.
Spoiling Your Murder Swede.
Things your Murder Swede needs:
Food, water, shelter, and company.
Things your Murder Swede wants:
Your attention, presents, to make you smile, kisses, cuddles, sex, your attention, nice dinners, to go dancing, to be kissed in front of people so they know he belongs to you, to be tucked into your side while you watch a movie… Do you get it yet?
Presents for your Murder Swede:
NOTE: Nicky is a simple man, he doesn’t need expensive things or any presents at all, but he likes the attention he gets when he wears them and how special he feels when he gets things, so buy lots of presents.
Soft Things: Nicke likes things that are soft on his skin. He likes soft sweaters and soft boxers and soft sheets. He likes thick blankets and big sweatshirts and the way it feels to be wrapped up in softness. Touch things while you walk through the store and buy him the soft things you find. Buy him warm fuzzy socks and cashmere scarves and snuggly pajama pants. Nicke likes soft things, and Sasha’s skin is soft, so Sasha walks around without his shirt so Nicke knows he can reach out and touch.
Wear For Sasha Things: Nicke likes to look pretty and he likes when Sasha thinks he looks pretty. Presents given with the instruction ‘wear this under my jersey’ or ‘put this on before you come to bed’ are good. Pick out things you think he’ll look good in and tell him how good he looks in them every chance you get. If you have a favorite thing, tell him and remind him you like it every time he wears it. Nicke looks really good in things with Sasha’s name on the back, so Sasha gets extra sweatshirts and extra t-shirts from PR and gets them a few sizes too big so that when he wears them and Nicke sees them, he steals them and wears himself.
Expensive Things: Nicke looks best in gold things. Diamonds look good too, but gold things look the best. When you pick out a new thing to give Nicke, remember to get it in gold. When you put the new thing on him, remember to call him Solnyshko, tell him how pretty he looks, and kiss his nose so he blushes all the way down to his belly button.
Fun things and Free Things: Nicke likes to dance. Nicke is a good dance and Nicke doesn’t get to dance enough because he doesn’t want anyone with a camera phone to see him and post pictures or videos on the internet. Take Nicke somewhere in the middle of nowhere where no one cares who they are and dance with him until he’s too tired to keep going and then put him in the car and hold his hand all the way home while he sings along to the radio.
Nicke might be Papa, but he isn’t a mature grown-up adult. He likes roller coasters and swimming and riding bikes and skating around the ice without his stick and watching movies in the back yard and getting tickled and getting into food fights in the kitchen while you try to make dinner.
Take him to the zoo and let him see the big cats stretch out in the sun or the polar bears spin around in the water. Take him to the amusement park and hold his hand when the rollercoaster goes through a tunnel and listen to the way he screams and laughs when you go downhill so fast his curls fly backward. Take him to the arena or to the Iceplex in the middle of the night and hold his hand while you skate in lazy circles and just breathe in the cold air. Surprise him by putting the projector up and laying a blanket in the grass so you can watch a movie in the dark while the air is still warm on your skin. Tickle him when he’s pouting and kiss him when he opens his mouth to tell you to stop. Throw flour at him while you’re cooking or splash him with cold water so he makes his cute surprised face and curses at you in Swedish.
Nicke is the sleepiest person in the world. This makes him good for naps. He makes a good little spoon and is the best teddy bear. If you snuggle up behind him and pet the soft hair on his belly and press kisses into the back of his neck he turns into the loosest softest teddy bear ever. If you do these things and tell him how sweet he is, how good he is, neither of you will sleep for a while and that’s okay too.
Nicke doesn’t like mornings. He doesn’t like his alarm clock or the way the sun hurts his eyes or the fact that it means he has to come out of his blanket pile and get dressed. But, if you pull the curtains tight before bed and wake up before Nicke’s alarm goes off so you can slide under the covers and kiss his belly and his thighs until he’s hard enough that you can swallow him down and let him finish on your tongue, he wakes up in a much better mood.
You’re Not Touching Me. Why Are You Not Touching me? The kids will tell you Nicke’s not an affectionate person, that he doesn’t like too many hugs or that he doesn’t like to be touched or that he doesn’t show affection unless he’s really overwhelmed.
The kids are wrong.
Nicke’s like a koala bear, and Sasha? Sasha loves it. Nicke likes to be touched, pushes up into Sasha’s hands like a cat when Sasha runs his fingers through his curls. He likes to be reminded that he’s soft, have Sasha’s hands all over his skin, leaving bruises on his hips.
Nicke comes home and barely kicks off his shoes before he’s working his way into Sasha’s space, pressing his forehead between Sasha’s shoulder blades or ducking under his arms to lay on his chest like he’s a pillow. Nicke holds on to Sasha’s hand while he drives and plays with Sasha’s fingers while he’s trying to string his thoughts together and won’t make Sasha sleep on the couch no matter how mad he is because he’d miss the warm weight of Sasha pressed against his back.
Sasha steals touches, kisses, and moments when no one is looking. But Nicke steals more. Nicke drags Sasha away by the hand if he needs attention and there are too many people around and kisses Sasha in every day corner he can find just because he can.
Nicke Forgets. Nicke thinks he’s simple. Nicke thinks he’s plain and boring. Nicke is sometimes an idiot, for someone so very, very smart. Nicke knows Sasha loves him, knows that Sasha wants him, needs him, and thinks of him always. But sometimes, when all of Sasha’s considerable attention drifts somewhere else, Nicke forgets. Sasha isn’t plain, Nicke’s brain tells him, Sasha isn’t boring or simple or quiet. Sasha is too big, too much, too loud. He takes up all the empty space in a room and sinks into the little spaces that other people don’t even see, but Nicke sees it. Nicke sees Sasha and questions how someone like that, someone so beautiful and powerful and intense could see him and think yes, that one.
But he does. And sometimes he forgets. And then Sasha looks at him again and all of that energy, all of the extra that is Sasha hits him full force and he doesn’t doubt it anymore.
Piece by Piece.
Sex with Nicke’s never boring.
Nicke’s not shy—no matter what the reporters tell you—and he loves to be looked at. If you look long enough, or if you tell him how pretty he is while you look, he’ll turn red from the tips of his ears all the way down to his belly and squirm because he swears it’s not fair for you to tease him.
Nicke knows how to ask for what he wants.
Sometimes he wants to be treated like he’s precious—which he is—and handled delicately, all soft touches and gentle kisses until he’s squirming and begging. Sometimes, if you push a little, urge him gently to give you more, he’ll cry and come again, holding onto you for dear life while you push him down into the bed.
Sometimes he wants to be in charge, to push you down and take you apart with his wicked fingers until you’re the one begging. Nicke likes the way Sasha looks when he rides him, his thighs working hard every time he pushes off and sinks back down. He also likes to push Sasha’s face into the bed and pull on his hair until he starts speaking Russian instead of English.
Sometimes he likes to submit. Nicke likes to be the center of Sasha’s attention, because there’s so much of it—because Sasha’s so much. Sometimes that’s all it takes to have him melting, is for Sasha to turn his full attention on him. Sometimes it takes a little more, a little pushing, but it’s always a beautiful sight when Nicke ends up on his knees, his pretty eyes all glazed over while he waits like the good boy he is for Sasha to give him what he needs.
Nicke’s pretty eyes flutter closed if you pull on his hair, and if you keep doing it or you start coming the tangles out, he’ll look up at you with this blissed out look on his face and you’ll do whatever he wants you to do as long as you get to keep seeing it.
Sometimes Nicke likes to be hurt, likes to have rope burns on his wrists and kisses bitten into the muscles of his shoulders and finger bruises dug into his hips. Sometimes Nicke likes to be hit, to bend over or lay down and let you beat the tension out of his shoulders or spank him until there are black and purple bruises from his hips to the back of his knees. When you fuck Nicke after you spank him, he cries, because every time you push in you press down on the bruises and it hurts so good he doesn’t know what to do with it.
When you’re done hurting him Nicke likes to be wrapped up in soft blankets and kissed. You can’t wrap him up until you put lotion on all of the pretty red marks on his skin or he’ll give you grumpy face when he wakes up from his nap.
Sometimes Nicke likes to be embarrassed. Sometimes all you have to do is lean down and whisper in his ear how good he looks. If you’re on the ice you can compliment his hockey, tell him he’s the best center or that his pass was beautiful. If you’re not on the ice, you can ask him about the marks on his skin, ask him to tell you what they’re from or ask Sasha to do it for him. He’ll squirm and blush and stutter and it’ll be the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen.
Building Him a Home.
Bedroom:
Nicke is the sleepiest person ever. Nicke likes to sleep in the dark, likes it to be quiet, and likes enough space that he can start out taking up as much as he wants even though he’ll end up tucked right up against Sasha’s chest and half the bed will be empty. Nicke likes soft sheets and soft blankets and soft pillows and doesn’t like shoes or stepping on the cold floor when he gets up. Nicke must have blackout curtains and soundproofing—good for migraines and for not scarring guests by letting them find out that he’s a screamer—and needs at least a rug under the bed so his feet stay warm. Nicke also needs a big window, so he can be fucked up against it and reminded that the neighbors can see him.
Furniture:
All flat surfaces should be strong enough to hold the weight of two fully grown hockey players and then some. Sometimes it just isn’t practical to ask Nicke to wait until they make it all the way upstairs and it just wouldn’t do to have to replace the table every week.
Nicke likes to snuggle, so the couch needs to be big enough that he can lay down in front of Sasha without falling off and strong enough that he can lay down on Sasha and it won’t break.
Playroom:
The playroom needs to be soundproof like the bedroom, or even more so. There needs to be enough hard-points that Sasha can string Nicke up and play with him and enough space that they can have guests over to watch and learn about the different knots and types of rope. The playroom needs a St. Andrews cross so Nicke can lean against it when his legs start to give out and a massage table to Sasha can lay him down and cover him in wax or rub the stress out of his muscles. The playroom also needs enough room that Nicke can use his single tail to mark Sasha’s back without hitting anything and enough storage space for all of their toys to have a place.
Playroom needs fire extinguisher and fire blankets, for when Sasha accidentally makes Nicke drop a fire wand on the floor.
Windows:
Nicke doesn’t want the babies playing in the street to accidentally see him being taken apart on the kitchen table because he says that they would be scarred. Sasha thinks that anyone lucky enough to see Nicke falling apart is lucky, but Nicke is Stubborn so the front windows of their houses—in Gävle and Arlington, but not in Moscow—are tinted. As a compromise, they decide that the back windows don’t have to be tinted because for people to see in there they’d have to intentionally look and that’s okay. Nicke is stubborn but Sasha won the argument with:
“But Nicke, if they’re looking in the back windows, they obviously want to see you fall apart as much as I do.” Nicke blushed and conceded that he liked the idea of people seeing him pressed up against the glass. So now, no matter where they go, the front windows of the house will be tinted and the back will be perfectly clear.