Chapter Text
It was ironic, really. 'I love dark', Changbin had said. It was true, it really was. In a way. Changbin liked dark atmospheres, dark lyrics, dark concepts. He liked dark clothes, dark music; he styled his rap to be dark. He loved dark. Except... not the actual thing.
Since he could remember, Changbin had been scared of the dark.
He’d gotten a nightlight – according to his mother – at two years old, when his parent noticed he always looked scared when it was time to go to bed. He didn’t remember that far back, of course, but he remembered being three and bursting out crying, completely terrified, when he woke up one night and found his room completely dark.
As he grew, though, his parents tried to slowly reduce the amount of times he used it. His other friends were apparently growing out of their fear of the dark, and his parents assumed that, just like them, Changbin would too. But soon it became clear that this wouldn’t be that simple. Whenever they tried to take away his nightlight, he couldn't sleep, scared to the point of crying. At first his cries were so unexpected - he was usually an easy to deal with kid - that his parents immediately gave the light back. Until they noticed his reactions to the lack of light weren’t getting better, and decided they had to bare with it for a few nights, until Changbin noticed there was nothing to be scared of.
Except it didn’t work. Changbin spent two whole nights alone in his room, scared, crying, and both times, in the morning, his parents found him still awake, curled up against the wall, trying to look as small as he could. Changbin had been too young to notice the worried look on their faces. He was just glad they didn't try to take his nightlight away again.
When Changbin turned 11, though, he started to notice that having a nightlight wasn't exactly common at his age. None of his friends needed a light on to sleep at night; none of them were scared of the dark anymore. On the first time he took a friend from his new school home, the boy had laughed and asked if Changbin still needed a nightlight to sleep. Changbin had panicked and denied - unconvincingly - and from that day on he made sure to hide the damned thing when someone came over. He still couldn't sleep without it, just like he couldn't sleep without Gyu, his plush munchlax. But no one needed to know that.
And so he learned to deal with this. Sometimes it bothered him: he didn't go to sleepovers much and didn't invite his friends over much, scared of them finding out. But it wasn't that hard a thing to do, he didn't mind it that much. It could have become a bigger problem when Changbin started training at JYP and was given the option of staying at the dorms. But it didn’t. He lived close to the company; there was no reason for him to live at the dorms before debuting. So he didn't, and if when he crashed with Chan and Jisung from being at the company too late he didn't sleep, no one needed to know.
Now, though, he really had a problem.
Changbin made sure to hide his nightlight before filming his house and room. He didn't need people all over the world making fun of him for being scared of the dark at nineteen. He did talk about Gyu, out of impulse more than anything. It didn't matter much, though. Idols were always with stuffed animals at airports and videos, he knew no one would find it weird.
But when he finished packing, he turned off the camera, and then headed to his closet. And there he found the item that had been giving him a headache.
His nightlight was pretty new, as his old one had broken a few weeks earlier. It was green, shaped like a little bear, because nightlights were designed for little kids. Changbin blushed as he picked it up. He couldn't take that to the dorms. The others would laugh their asses off if they saw it, and they'd never let him live it down. And worse: they were filming at the moment. What if they were filmed in their sleep? Everyone would see Changbin's nightlight and he'd become the laughing stock of the group and the fans.
Sighing, he put the light down. He didn't know what to do. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep in the dark. He'd been trying for a few days, since he learned he'd have to move into the dorms, but to no avail. He was older, now, so consciously he told himself that there was nothing to be scared of. But it made no difference, because as soon as it was dark his heartbeat picked up and he wasn't able to close his eyes, scared of things that were absolutely unreasonable for a nineteen year old to be scared of.
Biting his lip, he looked at his nightlight again. Someone knocked on the door and Changbin jumped, startled, then turned around as his mother - the apparent culprit of his almost heart attack - entered the room.
The woman eyed him, then smiled sweetly.
"Ah, I figured you'd have trouble with that."
Changbin pouted. His mother chuckled.
"What do I do, Eomma?"
He asked, playing with the nightlight. She sighed and made her way to his bed, sitting down there.
"You know, when we first noticed you weren't intending on letting go of your nightlight, your dad and I were worried. We didn't understand why you couldn't sleep in the dark like other kids your age, and we were scared you'd be made fun off because of this. I, personally, wanted to keep pushing you. It broke my heart to see you so scared in the morning, but it would break my heart even more to see you being left out because of this. Your dad, though. He didn’t let me keep it up. He told me something. He told me everyone had their little quirks and perks. He told me we need them to learn who our true friends are, the people we can trust.” Changbin tilted his head, trying to follow what she was saying. “What this means, sweetie, is that we know we’ve found the right people when we find people who accept us for who we are. These boys in your group, you’ve told me you really like them. So trust them, baby. If they’re as nice as you say they are, they won’t mind.”
Changbin felt like crying. He understood what his mother meant, he really did. But…
"But... but what if they make fun of me, eomma?"
The woman shook her head, still smiling.
"Then they're not worth your time." She said, and got up, kissing his head and heading to the door. "Come eat. It'll be our last meal as a family for a while."
Changbin ended up taking his nightlight. He wasn't sure if he actually meant to use it – he wasn't too inclined to, really –, but having it with him made him feel a little safer.
He arrived at the dorm and as the others came in too, the mess began, with nine excited boys talking all at the same time, laughing and joking, excited about the new phase they were about to start together. Changbin watched from afar for a bit, smiling at the scene. He didn't know when it had happened, but those boys had become family to him.
And then he felt eyes on him and looked around until he spotted Felix, staring at him with an expression Changbin couldn't read. As soon as their eyes met, though, Felix looked away, cheeks reddening. Changbin could feel his own cheeks getting hotter and looked away, trying not to think about this. He had a lot on his mind already.
They calmed down after a while, settling down enough to choose their rooms. Changbin perked up as they mentioned roommates. This was important. Depending on his roommate he would define how to deal with his situation.
Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy when the method for choosing roommates was revealed.
They were supposed, apparently, to choose their roommate through a game. Changbin bit his lip. He had wanted to choose the room with less people, or the room with Chan, because he figured Chan was one of the least likely to tease him and tell the others about his problem. He couldn't choose, though, so he had to count on his luck. And that was a problem. But there was nothing he could do, so he simply sucked it up and chose a room, praying that Chan would be the one walking through that door.
For nothing. When the door opened, Changbin groaned. Three people. He'd be rooming with three people, none of which were Chan. It would only have been worse if it was Felix the one he was rooming with. Not because Felix would tease him. Actually, Changbin had the feeling that Felix would be the most understanding out of all the boys and wouldn't tease at all. But he couldn't room with Felix. He couldn't let Felix know about his embarrassing little problem. He…
"Hyung, c'mon! Aren't you happy that you're with us?"
Came Jeongin's voice, bringing Changbin out of his thoughts. Jisung smirked at him.
"Maybe he wanted to room w..."
Changbin shoved the boy away, interrupting him because he knew what Jisung was going to say. Jisung had always been too good at reading Changbin.
"Shut up, of course I'm happy with you guys! Now let's go meet the others, I can hear Minho hyung crying for help."
The others chuckled, apparently forgetting about Changbin's weird behaviour as they indeed heard Minho screaming. Changbin followed them out. He'd have to figure out how to deal with this new situation.
After a while, Changbin had been half convinced to just tell the others that he needed his nightlight to sleep at night. Spending time with them had helped him remember that they were good people, they were the family he’d chosen. They were conscious of other people’s boundaries and limits, and he felt like he could trust them. That is, of course, until he opened his bag and took out Gyu.
As he held the stuffed toy, Hyunjin tilted his head and Jisung chuckled.
"What’s that, Changbinnie hyung?"
Asked the squirrel-like boy. Changbin blushed.
“Uhn, it's... it's Gyu.” He said, hoping it was enough of an explanation. It didn’t seem to be, though, so he shrugged to himself, figuring that if he’d be telling them about his nightlight he might as well tell them about Gyu. "I can't sleep without him."
He said, feeling his cheeks reddening slightly. Slowly, a teasing smile grew on Jisung's face. Jeongin was grinning too. Changbin blushed harder. He’d made the wrong choice. In a second, Jisung was giggling and rushing out of the room, yelling out 'guys! Changbin hyung needs a plushie to sleep!’
Changbin blushed as Hyunjin and Jeongin laughed. He felt betrayed.
If he hadn't been so scared and embarrassed, he would have noticed the fondness in Jeongin and Hyunjin's eyes as they laughed. He would have noticed how Chan was melting as he peeked into the room to check if it was true. He would have seen how Felix was practically having a fit over how cute Changbin was. But he was scared, and he noticed none of that. Instead, he turned around and threw Gyu on his bed, swearing to himself that if this was their reaction to his plushie, he'd never let the others find out about him being scared of the dark. (He still apologized to Gyu later, when none of the others were around.)
Needless to say, when the time to go to bed came, Changbin didn't know what to do. The younger ones - Jisung not included - had gone to bed a while earlier, and Changbin was used to staying up later. He used that to his advantage, although he didn’t know what, exactly, he expected to happen by staying up later than the others. After a while writing with Jisung and Chan, though, the older's mother instinct had kicked in, and Changbin and Jisung had been sent to bed. And that's when Changbin noticed he was most likely fucked.
The room was completely dark. Hyunjin and Jeongin were already fast asleep having gone to bed much earlier, and, naturally, the lights were turned off. Changbin thought of suggesting they turn them on. 'So we don't trip and fall' he thought to himself, trying to come up with a good excuse. But before he could even say it out loud, Jisung entered the dark room, quickly tiptoeing to his bed, guided by the faint light that came in from the hallway. Changbin groaned internally. And now? What would he do?
He looked around, then bit his lip, pondering. And then he rushed into the room, leaving the door ajar. Open enough for the light from the hallway to come in. Open enough for Changbin to see what surrounded him and not be scared. He practically threw himself on his bed, and by the time Jisung noticed the door was open, Changbin was already under the covers.
"Hyung! The door!"
Changbin lifted his head.
"Hum? Oh, sorry."
He said, playing innocent. Jisung whined.
"Hyung, close it."
Changbin whined back.
"Oh, c'mon. Chan will close it when he walks by."
He saw Jisung frowning, but, to his relief, Jisung simply sighed.
"Next time you're getting up, hyung."
Changbin hummed contentedly, closing his eyes and burying his face on Gyu. Maybe this was a good solution.
After that, Changbin started refining his strategy. He couldn't leave the door open with Jisung there, of course. The younger had already stated he’d make Changbin get up to close it if he left it open again. But what he could do was wait for Jisung to fall asleep before going to bed, and then he could leave the hallway light on and the door open all he wanted. It was a fail-proof plan.
And so he started doing just that. He waited for Jisung, Hyunjin and Jeongin to go to bed, and then, when they were all asleep, he entered the room, making sure to leave the hallway’s lights on and the door open. It wasn’t that hard. No one ever mentioned anything, so he was pretty sure they didn’t notice what he was doing, and he could sleep peacefully, without the fear that his secret would be found out.
Changbin only noticed the problem on his plan when Chan asked him about the dark circles under his eyes.
They had been living in the dorm for a week and a half, already, and Changbin had been keeping up his schedule of only going to bed once his roommates were asleep. It was hard sometimes, when he was so tired that he wanted nothing more than to just sleep, or when Chan insisted he went to bed and Changbin had to make up excuses, but he was dealing well with it. Or so he thought. Until he looked in the mirror, frowning, and found that he was beginning to look a bit like a zombie.
“Uhn, it’s nothing, hyung. Just got too much to do.”
He said, knowing Chan would believe. It wasn’t like the older was in the position to judge Changbin for staying up working. The leader didn’t seem too pleased, though.
“Try to sleep more, Bin. You need to be well-rested if you want to do well in the performances and practices.”
Changbin just nodded. He wished he could sleep more, it wasn’t like he liked having to wait for everyone to be asleep to go to bed. But he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t. So he just nodded at Chan and let the older believe he would.
Things started to get worse, though. As the filming of their reality advanced, practice became more intense and they were being pushed even more to their limits. It wasn’t rare for them to get home only four hours before they had to wake up, and on some days they had different schedules. This meant Changbin had to keep track not only of his schedule but also of Jeongin, Hyunjin and Jisung’s schedule, and fuck, that was hard.
He noticed when he began to fall apart, the sleepless nights after hours of practice taking their toll to him, and he noticed the way Chan – and the others, but mostly Chan – watched him worriedly, as if trying to understand what was going on. Changbin tried to cover it up. He took naps instead of eating lunch, sometimes, and slept on the car when they had a schedule somewhere too far for them to walk. But that wasn’t enough, and he was starting to panic.
Sometimes he eyed his bag, where his nightlight was hidden, and he wanted nothing more than to take it out and plug it to the wall, so that he could finally sleep his well-deserved four hours, like the others. Then he remembered the way Jisung had laughed and run to tell the others about Changbin needing a plushie to sleep, and he turned away, leaving his nightlight hidden as he prepared to wait for Hyunjin to come back and go to bed.
Chan, of course, approached him more than once, asking Changbin if everything was alright, if he was having trouble sleeping. Changbin always laughed inside, and once it had taken a lot of his strength not to spill to Chan that he was sleeping perfectly fine for one hour each night, because Jeongin, Hyunjin and Jisung only had one hour of sleep-time in common. He hadn’t said anything, though. He’d just waved the older off like usual, telling him it was the stress and that he was getting used to the dorm. Chan had raised an eyebrow, clearly asking ‘getting used for a whole month?’ but he said nothing, and Changbin pretended not to see.
And so he started distancing himself. Not on purpose, of course. But most days he was too tired to join in on the teasing and playing around, so he just stayed on his own, watching them, and wondering how could he feel so comfortable with them, and yet so lonely and scared of letting them close.