Chapter Text
Jisung has always done it. Ever since he was a little kid, he used to chew on everything he could find. Of course, at first it was normal. Little kids do go through an oral stage, in which they put everything they can get their hands on in their mouth. That stage is supposed to end at around two years old, though. Jisung’s just never ended.
His mother always told him how hard it had been to take his pacifier away from him. She told him about all the methods she had tried, before she simply took it away from him and refused to give it back. She also told him about how he had cried for three nights straight, before finally resigning himself to the fact that no, he wasn’t getting his pacifier back. It embarrassed Jisung, knowing about that. But as long as no one else knew, he was fine.
The thing is, though: he might have finally given up on his pacifiers – at the age of eight –, but that didn’t stop him from putting literally everything else in his mouth. His mother was always struggling to fix his shirts and coats’ sleeves, from how much he chewed on them. Hoodie strings were also a nightmare to her, as she had to change them time and time again as Jisung chewed them to the point of almost disintegrating the poor strings. She was always worried about necklaces, bracelets and even his fingers.
In school, though, came a time when it stopped being simply a habit of Jisung’s and started to be a teasing weapon. More than once, Jisung’s friends had told him he was like a toddler, biting and chewing on everything. The accusation made Jisung blush and complain that it wasn’t like that. His friends paid him no mind and continued to tease. Jisung didn’t tell them he did it when he got nervous or anxious, they didn’t need to know that. He simply started avoiding doing it in front of them.
And for some time it wasn’t a problem. He still chewed on everything, just not when he was around his friends. He still bit on his lip excessively to make up for the times he couldn’t chew on his sleeves. He still needed to bite on things to calm himself down. He just learned to hide it from everyone. And then he’d joined JYP.
When Jisung joined JYP, he’d naturally gravitated towards Chan. The boy wasn’t much older than him, and he had this cool image, a mix of scary, and somehow warm and sweet. The boy hadn’t seemed bothered by Jisung’s constant presence, either, and soon he’d asked Jisung to join him in training. Jisung had, obviously, accepted.
His choice proved itself to be right when he got to actually know Chan. The boy was as warm and sweet as Jisung had previously thought, and he was attentive and just overall nice. He took Jisung under his wing, making sure Jisung was taken care at all times, and it was nice.
Jisung’s father had left Jisung and his mother when Jisung was five. The boy didn’t remember him that well, and the memories he did have weren’t that pleasant. And… well, he would never tell Chan this, he was embarrassed enough just thinking of it, but… but the older slowly became a father figure to him. Jisung loved the way Chan was always looking out for him and taking care of him. He felt safe with Chan. And he noticed just how safe when he caught himself chewing on his necklace in front of the older, not worrying about being teased.
The first time it happened, Chan didn’t even seem to notice. He didn’t stare, and he didn’t raise his eyebrows in judgement, like old ladies in convenience stores used to do before telling Jisung all of his teeth would fall out if he kept doing that. Still, years of being teased meant that Jisung immediately took his necklace from his mouth as he noticed what he had been doing.
But then he’d noticed that Chan hadn’t said anything, and he felt a kind of warmth spread through his body, making him feel happy and comfortable. Chan hadn’t said anything. He didn’t think Jisung was weird or childish. Slowly, almost as if to test, he had put his necklace back in his mouth. He was stressed, their monthly evaluation was coming. He immediately relaxed as his lips closed around the necklace, and Chan didn’t even bat an eyelash. Jisung had never felt so happy.
After some time, though, something changed. Jisung had gotten so used to biting and chewing on stuff around Chan, that he didn’t even notice how many sleeves he’d already ruined. Until one day Chan sat next to him and carefully took his hand, guiding it away from his mouth. Jisung had frowned and Chan had smiled softly.
“I don’t mind your habit of biting on things, Sungie, but you should cut down on it a bit. Soon you’ll have no shirts left.”
It was the first time Chan acknowledged and addressed Jisung’s habit. Jisung blushed, taking his hand from Chan’s hold.
“S-sorry, hyung.”
He had said. Chan nudged him.
“Hey. I’m not telling you to stop. Just… maybe focus on your bracelets or something else. Plus, that’s my sweater you’re eating.”
Jisung had whined and hidden his face, but Chan, by his side, had just chuckled and ruffled his hair, and the gesture was so soft and fond that Jisung smiled as well. Chan hadn’t teased him or asked him to stop. He hadn’t told Jisung that him chewing on things was the reason his front teeth were so prominent. He was simply looking out for him, and Jisung once again felt that warm feeling on his chest, spreading all through his body. He had a feeling he’d found himself a family.
As time passed, others joined. First it was Changbin, then it was the three of them for quite some time, before Minho showed up, and later the others. And every time someone new joined, Jisung went through the same process. At first he stopped chewing on things altogether. The anxiety built up inside of him, with no way out, because Jisung was depriving himself of his coping mechanism. And then, as he got to know the others and they slowly became family to him, he got more comfortable, and the comfort coupled with the built up anxiety led him to chewing on things more than ever.
During those times, Chan had to constantly remind Jisung not to destroy his sleeves, going to the extent of giving Jisung his bottle’s cap once, so that the younger wouldn’t end up having to buy new clothes. The other boys didn’t ever comment on it. Probably because they assumed this was a common occurrence, and that Chan had it under control. Jisung was glad for it.
There was someone, though, who always seemed to pay more attention to Jisung’s habit than the others. Jisung just hoped he didn’t end up hurt because of this.
When it was already nine of them – and according to Chan they were finally a true group, even though they weren’t even close to debuting –, Jisung had come to the conclusion that he was safe with his friends – his family. No one ever said anything about him chewing on things, and Chan continued to softly call him out when it got excessive. Until one night when the others were out eating and it was only Minho and Jisung on the dorm.
On the next day they would have a monthly evaluation. This one, specifically, was a pretty big deal: it was their chance to finally debut. Needless to say, Jisung was pretty anxious. And that meant that as Minho watched the movie calmly, Jisung was destroying his hoodie’s sleeve to the point of no repair.
He was beginning to hurt his lips with how much he was chewing on the damn thing when a hand took his, taking it away from his mouth. Jisung looked up, startled. The only one who ever did that was Chan, and he was pretty sure Chan wasn’t around at the moment.
“Uhn…”
He said, very smartly. Minho smiled softly, then interlocked his fingers with Jisung’s, and Jisung tried not to blush, pushing aside those weird thoughts he’d been having for days, of kissing Minho and holding his hand.
“I’m nervous too.”
The older said, eyes going back to the movie. Jisung only stared at him in silence. Then he shook his head.
“What?”
Minho chuckled. Jisung was completely confused.
“You chew on things when you’re nervous. That’s it, right? You use it to soothe yourself.”
The word ‘soothe’ made Jisung blush. It reminded him of his doctor telling his mother that infants use oral stimuli to self-soothe, and he hated thinking that he used the same coping mechanism as infants.
“Uhn… I… yeah, kinda.”
His discomfort must have showed in his voice, because Minho turned back to him, head tilted.
“Hey. I’m not making fun of you, Sungie. I just think you’ve done enough damage to that poor coat. And your lips. Your lips are really red.”
Jisung’s blush deepened. Did Minho really need to talk about his lips?
“Oh. Ok. I’ll stop, hyung.”
He said, resisting the urge to bit on his lip. Minho chuckled. Then he let go of Jisung’s hand and took off his own bracelet. He handed it to Jisung. When the younger didn’t move to take it he simply took the boy’s hand and put the bracelet on him.
“You don’t need to stop. Just be careful not to hurt yourself. Ok?”
And saying that he turned back to the movie. Jisung eyed the bracelet in awe. No one other than Chan had ever been that nice about Jisung’s little habit. As if he needed any more reasons to like Minho.
He didn’t have the courage to give back Minho’s bracelet, not when he’d chewed on it for so long. So he kept it. Minho didn’t ask for it, anyways.
Jisung should have known, though, that when things were too good, something bad was bound to happen. They’d made it. All nine of them, together. It had taken a lot of effort, and they’d almost lost Felix and Minho, but they’d made it and now there was nothing that could stop them or keep them apart.
But of course, that was all too good and happy. Which was why, a day or two after the end of their reality show, Jisung woke up with his jaw aching like there was no tomorrow. He opened his eyes, trying to understand what had happened, before remembering he’d fallen asleep chewing on his covers. His teeth were still clenched around the sheets. He sighed. That happened sometimes, although he’d never woken up in so much pain.
Getting up, he decided to wait. He didn’t want to worry Chan for nothing. It would probably pass in a few hours.
Or a lot of hours. Jisung had barely been able to eat, because whenever he tried to chew on things his jaw hurt like it hell, to the point of bringing tears to his eyes. So he’d eaten as much as he could, which meant a bit of rice for breakfast and two pieces of kimbap for lunch. Chan had let it slip in the morning, but as Jisung pushed away his lunch, giving it to Jeongin, he had frowned and eyed Jisung in a way that clearly said ‘we’ll talk later’.
And talk they did. As soon as the time came for their individual training sessions, Chan pulled Jisung away, and soon they were sitting in Chan’s studio. Jisung didn’t have practice with a teacher on that day, which meant he was somewhat free to choose what to do. He knew Chan had rap lessons, though, so why was the older…?
“I cancelled with my teacher. Told him I wasn’t feeling well.” He said, as if he could read Jisung’s mind. The younger bit only his lip, only to wince in pain. Chan frowned. “Something’s wrong. What’s it?”
Jisung sighed. He didn’t want to worry Chan, but more than that, he didn’t want to let the older know that his childish habit had gotten him in trouble. But there didn’t seem to be a way out. Chan wouldn’t let it go that easily. So Jisung looked down and explained.
“My jaw hurts. Like, a lot.”
Chan didn’t say anything. Jisung could almost feel him frowning.
“You jaw? Why? Did you do anything to cause that?”
Jisung blushed.
“It’s… it’s happened before. When I chew on things for too long or too often.”
He looked up in time to see understanding dawning on Chan’s face.
“Oh. How long has it been hurting for?”
He asked.
“Since the morning.”
Chan nodded.
“Ok. I’ll call manager so we can take you to see a dentist.”
Jisung’s eyes widened.
“No!” Chan raised an eyebrow, startled. Jisung blushed dark red. “Sorry, hyung.”
Chan put a hand on his knee.
“Hey. Why don’t you want to go?”
He asked. Jisung could feel the pout forming on his lips. At least it was better than crying.
“They’ll tell me that this is a bad habit and that I have to stop. Or that my teeth will fall out, or that I… that I shouldn’t be doing this at my age.”
He didn’t look at Chan, but he felt the older’s grip on his knee tightening.
“They won’t say anything like that, Sungie. I’ll go with you. I won’t let anyone make you feel bad. Ok?”
Jisung bit the inside of his cheeks, which hurt less than biting his lip, then nodded. He didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky to have Chan in his life.
Jisung knew it would be bad. He’d gone to enough dentists before to know that he would get those judging eyes and stern advice to stop chewing on things. He didn’t know it would be so bad.
The doctor had evaluated his jaw, and Jisung hadn’t even had to explain to him his habit of chewing on things, because the man was faster. He’d done something to Jisung’s jaw, making it stop hurting. Then he had told Jisung he had dislodged his jaw from chewing on things that were not made for chewing, and Jisung had felt himself blush. The man had then asked if he chewed on pens, pencils or anything else, and Jisung had told him that yes, he did.
And then came the verdict: he had to stop. If he didn’t, he would weaken his jaw more and more as time passed, until it was too fragile to be put back in place without surgery.
Jisung had been told before that he might need surgery if he didn’t stop. But they had always been empty threats, just like the one of his teeth falling out. This one, though, was different. The man wasn’t trying to make Jisung feel bad to break him out of the habit. He was simply exposing the facts, and somehow that made it worse. Because Jisung had tried to stop it more than once before, and it hadn’t worked. What was he supposed to do now?
Chan was kind enough to let him lock himself alone in his room as they got home. He hadn’t said anything as they left the dentist; he’d just taken Jisung’s hand and held it for the whole ride back to their dorm. Jisung was grateful for that.
So he locked himself away, and for a long time he was alone, until someone knocked on the door and entered the room. Jisung sat up. He spotted Minho closing the door.
“Hey.”
Jisung sighed and made space on the bed.
“Hi, hyung.”
He said. Minho sat next to him.
“Chan hyung didn’t want to tell me what happened.”
There was a clear question hidden in that affirmation. Jisung shrugged.
“Went to the dentist. He said that if I keep chewing on things that I’m not supposed to I’ll need surgery.”
Minho stayed quiet. Jisung shuffled closer to him and the boy enveloped him in a hug. This was what it took for the tears to start falling.
“Oh, Sungie. Don’t cry, c’mon.”
Jisung hid his face on the older’s chest.
“I can’t stop, hyung. I’ve tried before. It… it…”
Minho shushed him.
“Hey, I know. I know, Sungie. It’s your coping mechanism. You need it. And I’m sure we’ll find a way around it. I promise.”
Jisung sniffed, still crying a bit, but Minho’s words and his arms around Jisung made the younger feel safe. Not the same safety he felt with Chan, paternal, careful, but safe, nonetheless. Jisung didn’t care to look at it up close.
“I don’t know what to do, hyung.”
Minho hugged him tighter.
“I’m here. I’ll help you.”
During dinner, no one asked why Jisung looked like he had been crying.
Felix gave him candy, which he’d stolen from Chan. Changbin showed him some lyrics, asking for his opinion. Each one of the boys did something, in their own way, to let Jisung know that they were there, and that he didn’t need to tell them anything, but that they were ready to listen if he needed them to.
On the next day, Chan showed up with a huge package of lollipops on Jisung’s room. Minho had snorted before Chan even opened his mouth.
“Hyung, how is him getting cavities and getting diabetes any better than him hurting his jaw?”
Chan had pouted, but had taken the package away. None of the members asked why they’d been given five lollipops each and told to eat one per day.
They tried sugar-free gum for a while, too, but after Jisung fell asleep with a piece on his mouth for the third time they aborted the idea before the boy choked and died.
Then Jisung had taken to leaving his index finger in his mouth. Not biting or chewing. Just… leaving it there. It wasn’t the same, but it helped some. But it was embarrassing, and once he caught Chan staring at him with a calculating gaze that made him uneasy, so he didn’t do it much.
And then one day Chan gestured for Jisung to follow him as they arrived at the dorm. That in itself was weird, because Chan was usually busy fighting Changbin for the shower, so Jisung was a bit apprehensive.
As they entered Chan’s room – which was empty, with Changbin’s nightlight and stuffed Munchlax nowhere to be seen, meaning that the boy would probably be sleeping with Felix that night –, the older eyed him for a second, before smiling. He sat down and gestured for Jisung to do the same.
“Hyung, you’re scaring me.”
Jisung said, sitting down. Chan chuckled.
“Sorry. I just… don’t know how you’ll react to this. Please don’t freak out.”
Jisung raised an eyebrow.
“What did you do, hyung?”
He asked, teasing, but still a bit apprehensive.
Chan leaned towards his bedside table and from there he took a little box.
“Please keep in mind that I’m doing this because I really think it would be a good solution. I’m not making fun of you or anything like that. And of course, you don’t have to use it if you don’t want to. I just… I noticed you’ve been biting on your fingers a lot, and…” Yeah, Jisung knew Chan was planning something. “Just don’t freak out, ok?”
Jisung shrugged. By now he was almost scared of opening the little box Chan was handing him. He took it, nonetheless. Then he opened it. Then his cheeks turned bright red and he looked at Chan, eyes wide.
“Is that…?”
Chan smiled softly.
“At least you didn’t throw it at me.” Jisung could only stare at him. Chan sighed. “As I said, you don’t have to. But I think it could help. And you can start using it only around me, then, if it really does help and you feel comfortable enough to, you could start using it around the others.”
Jisung’s first instinct was to deny. He was nineteen years old. There was no way in hell he’d use a pacifier. Much less with other people around. But Chan was looking at him with so much hope in his eyes, and Jisung knew he was just trying to help. And yeah, keeping his fingers in his mouth did help a lot, and… how different could a pacifier be? He sighed, not believing that he was even considering this.
“I… hyung, you promise not to tell anyone?”
The smile that lit Chan’s face was so endearing it almost erased all of Jisung’s fears about what he was about to accept.
“Promise.”
Said the older. Jisung sighed.
“Then I guess I can try.”
Luckily, Jisung had been right. As he entered his room looking for his pyjamas, Changbin was settled on Felix’s bed, his nightlight plugged to the wall and Gyu by his side. It was cute, in Jisung’s eyes, that Changbin was scared of the dark and needed his plush toy to sleep. It was also cute the way Felix helped him feel comfortable with those things. Jisung wished he had someone like that. Chan could only help him to a certain extent. Their relationship would never be like Felix and Changbin’s. And Jisung didn’t want it to be; he was pretty content mentally considering Chan his dad. But he wanted someone to be with him like Felix was with Changbin.
Sighing, he made his way out of the room, wishing Changbin goodnight. And Gyu too, half to tease Changbin and half because he’d seen Changbin do that, and he thought it was endearing and adorable. Then he’d headed to Chan’s room.
The older didn’t say anything as Jisung entered, didn’t even look up from his computer. Jisung smiled, thankful for the boy. Then he settled on Changbin’s bed and wished Chan goodnight, before turning to face the wall and picking up the pacifier. He looked at it for a while. It was dark blue with stars and planets all over it, and it was… kind of cute. It was also way bigger than a normal pacifier, and Jisung had the feeling Chan had searched some deep place of the internet for that. Sighing, he closed his eyes and put the pacifier in his mouth.
He sucked on it twice before blushing. He took it out of his mouth and turned to Chan. The boy looked at him, a questioning look in his eyes.
“Uhn… can… can you put on your earphones, hyung?”
Chan chuckled.
“Sure, Sungie. Now go to sleep.”
He took his earphones and plugged them. Jisung smiled and turned back to the wall, putting the pacifier back in his mouth. And he hated to admit it, because deep in his heart he’d been hoping he would hate it, but… the pacifier was actually quite nice. It had the same soothing effect as biting on stuff, and it felt nicer, because it was actually designed to be in his mouth. Jisung closed his eyes. Five minutes later he was asleep.
Chan smiled as he noticed Jisung had fallen asleep. He took off his earphones, and chuckled as he noticed he could indeed hear the little noises that came from Jisung sucking on his pacifier.
The younger boy had turned in his sleep and was now curled up facing Chan, and he looked so adorable that the leader had to fight the urge to go over and pinch his cheeks.
Jisung had always looked young, with those cheeks and cute squirrel teeth. Now, asleep and sucking on a pacifier, he looked even younger than usual, and Chan felt the urge to protect and take care of him. It was something he had always felt towards the boy, since the very first time he’d looked at Jisung. The boy had looked so innocent back then, all wide eyes and chubby cheeks, chewing nervously on his lip, and Chan had wanted nothing more than to pick him up and take care of him.
It was one of the reasons he had asked Jisung to join him. He noticed the way the boy often trailed after him, always with his lower lip between his teeth, and honestly, the boy seemed too fragile to be left alone. Chan later learned that Jisung wasn’t exactly fragile. He was fierce and determined, and he could endure a lot. But he was definitely someone who needed to be looked after and handled carefully, and Chan had promised himself he’d do exactly that, no matter what it took.
Now, watching Jisung sleep, he wondered when he’d started to see the boy as if he was his kid. It was a weird feeling. Jisung was his friend, one of his best friends. But then there were times, times like this, when he felt responsible for Jisung, like he had to take care of him. And he liked it. He liked looking out for the boy and taking care of him, and he would do so for as long as he could.
And thinking about that he fell asleep, a smile on his face.
Jisung woke up to someone shaking him. He slowly let consciousness take the place of sleep in his brain, and stretched before opening his eyes. He was greeted by a smiling Chan. The older chuckled.
“Morning, Sungie. Sleep well?” Jisung hummed and nodded, far too comfortable to actually talk. Chan’s smile grew and he ruffled Jisung’s – probably already a complete mess – hair. “That’s good. Now get up, we should eat and go to practice.”
Jisung sighed, wanting nothing more than to sleep some more or maybe just laze around for the day. He couldn’t, though, so he sat up and stretched again before getting up and walking to the closet, only remembering it wasn’t his closet when he saw the clothes there. Behind him, Chan chuckled. Jisung glared at the boy.
“Shu’ up, ‘yung.”
And then Jisung finally placed what, exactly, the weird feeling he had was. He felt his cheeks reddening as he quickly took the pacifier from his mouth, barely resisting the urge of throwing it out the window. Chan was looking at him, one eyebrow raised.
“Everything ok?”
He asked. Jisung’s blush deepened.
“Can we pretend I didn’t just notice I was still… it was still there?”
Chan’s smile was soft and open. It once again eased some of Jisung’s fear and embarrassment.
“Like I told you yesterday, Sungie, I didn’t buy it to tease you. I just thought it would help. And it seems like I was right, hum?”
Jisung glared at the older, then noticed Chan was actually asking a genuine question. He sighed.
“Yeah. Yeah, you were.”
Chan beamed at him. Jisung couldn’t help but to smile back.
Jisung ended up leaving his… the pacifier on Chan’s drawer. It was less likely to be found there than anywhere else, and Chan had agreed to it. And so Jisung started the day feeling more relaxed than he’d felt in quite some time. The others seemed to notice the change in his mood, but only Minho truly understood what, exactly, had happened.
They were resting for a few minutes before trying the new choreography again when the older sat down next to Jisung.
“Hey.”
Jisung smiled at the boy.
“Hi, hyung.”
Minho smiled back.
“So. You found a way?”
Jisung immediately understood what Minho meant. He blushed, but nodded. He felt like the boy had the right to know.
“Chan hyung did.”
Minho hummed. Jisung knew he was dying to know what it was. He also knew he wouldn’t ask, because he respected Jisung’s privacy and knew that if Jisung wanted to tell him he would. It made Jisung feel bad about not telling him, but… but he wasn’t ready. Not yet.
“I… give me some time to get used to it, ok, hyung?”
Minho’s smile wasn’t wide and caring like Chan’s. It was more like the smile Felix gave Changbin when the older was being cute or endearing. Jisung felt his heart stutter in his chest.
“You can take all the time you want, Sung.”
Jisung dared to reach over and take Minho’s hand. ‘Thank you’, his hold said. And maybe something else. But he would worry about that later.
Chan had, apparently, made a deal with Changbin. Because as they arrived at the dorm, Changbin went into his room for about five minutes, before coming out with quite some clothes and taking them to Jisung’s room. Changbin didn’t say anything to Jisung, and Jisung didn’t ask. He just looked at Chan questioningly and the older gestured towards Jisung’s own room. The younger took the hint.
Soon he was in Chan’s room, sitting on Changbin’s bed, with enough clothes to last him a week by the foot of the bed.
“What did you tell him, hyung?”
Asked Jisung, as Chan entered the room to look for his towel.
“Just said you were having trouble sleeping and had asked to sleep with me for a few days.”
Jisung felt his ears reddening slightly. He felt like a little kid that wanted to sleep in his parents’ bed, even if that was actually just an excuse. But it was better than telling Changbin the truth, so Jisung just nodded and thanked Chan. The older smiled at him, then picked up his towel and left. And just like that, Jisung was left alone.
For a second, he hesitated. Then he headed to Chan’s drawer and opened it, biting on his lip as he spotted his pacifier. He carefully took it. He felt embarrassed about wanting to use it when he wasn’t about to sleep, but… the day had been stressful, and their debut was drawing closer and closer. Jisung was used to comforting himself anywhere anytime. He used to chew on things during practice, during movies, all the time. It was only natural, he told himself, that he wanted to use the damned thing all the time too. He sighed.
Closing the drawer, he moved to Changbin’s bed and, ignoring the way his cheeks burned, put the pacifier in his mouth. He sighed, relaxing almost immediately. It felt so good to suck on the pacifier, so calming. Jisung wished he could take it with him to practice and other places, to use it when he was feeling too anxious.
Taking his computer, he opened the song he’d been working on the day before. A few seconds later he was already completely engrossed on the task.