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Jessica taps on the coffee table despondently, watching May as she bustles around the kitchen at top speed. She’s just finished the churros and now she’s moving onto the chocolate chip cupcakes that her boyfriend so adores.
She misses the way his face would light up when he saw those cupcakes. He was probably more excited then than when she kissed him for the first time.
“Jess, what time is it?” May calls, not bothering to look at the clock right above her head. Jess’s never been quite sure whether she does it on purpose or not.
She taps her phone. Eleven at night. She was supposed to be home an hour ago. “Nine.”
“Good, I can send some home with you. Until then, do you want to turn on a show? Put on some background music?” May questions as she stirs in the chocolate chips.
It’s weird to watch May’s grieving process. Jess still has hope, is still waiting for Peter to walk through the door. But whether she realizes it or not, May is grieving for her nephew. And apparently her way of doing that is to never stop moving.
Jess turns on Spotify on her phone, turns it up so that May can hear it. She turns on the playlist Peter made on her phone of all his favorite songs so that she could get into his head a little better.
That slow burn wait while it gets dark,/Bruising the sun, I feel grown up with you in your car/I know it's dumb . She switches it.
All that I want/Is to wake up fine/Tell me that I'm alright/That I ain't gonna die. She switches it.
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll/Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll. She switches it.
Waiting in a car/Waiting for a ride in the dark/The night city grows/Look and see her eyes, they glow. She turns it off.
Jess curls into the couch, closes her eyes. Tries to block out the increasingly depressing thoughts entering her brain with each passing day. Tries not to break into sobs at the memories attached to each song playing on repeat.
When he comes back, she’s going to tell him she loves him. After a year-long relationship, he deserves to know the truth, even he doesn’t reciprocate.
A quiet knock on the door. She probably wouldn’t have heard it if she hadn’t just turned the music off, but she does. She gets to her feet slowly, passes May, and stands on her tiptoes, looking through the peephole.
Tony Stark.
Her brain starts screaming.
She whips open the door, throws her arms around him. He stiffens but she doesn’t let go. “Oh god, you’re safe. You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe, you’re sa-“ She breaks.
He holds her close as she releases breathless sobs, slowly backing her up until they’re inside and he can close the door. She hardly notices him guiding her to the couch, doesn’t acknowledge May’s questions, doesn’t hear Tony’s replies. All she knows is that Peter isn’t with him and that means everything she hoped it wasn’t.
The entire world was already falling apart, but now it's dissolving around her.
~o~
She doesn’t remember anything after that. All she knows is that she wakes up the next day in Peter’s bed, May curled up at the foot, and starts crying again because it hurts so much to be surrounded by everything him . His blanket is draped over her and his pillow has made intents in her cheek and his sweatshirt is in between the wall and the bed and when she puts it on it smells just like him.
The funeral is a quiet affair. There’s no body to bury, but that doesn’t stop Tony from paying for a full service, no matter the fact that Peter would probably be mortified. Jess plays his playlist and listens to the upbeat tracks that don’t make sense for the occasion at all, but everyone who really cared about Peter would know a good portion of them. She sits in the first pew with May and Ned. MJ takes her hand halfway through the service and never in her life has she been more grateful for her best friend.
She thinks she may never feel happy again.
May gets up, tries to speak. Starts out with a story Jess has heard a hundred times about the time Peter discovered to Florence + The Machine’s “Dog Days Are Over” and proceeded to blast it nonstop for a full month. She starts crying halfway through and Jess can’t not do something, can’t leave her up there alone. Peter would be begging for someone to save her.
She gets up and makes her way to the podium, wraps an arm around May’s shoulder, blinks back her own tears. “Peter- Peter loved that song so much. He- he had so much passion for everything- for everyone . Peter was the kind of idiot who would give a homeless person a ten even if he literally just saw the guy finish off a bottle- which happened one time, no lie. He saw the best in everyone, no matter what. He took a chance on a girl who once told everyone in school he was in love with Liz Allen, even if it was accidentally and everyone already knew it anyway.” The tears leak out her eyes before she can force them back and May takes her hand, squeezes it gently. “Peter Parker never failed to see the bright side, even if he was pissed because something didn’t go his way. He had just a ridiculous zest for life, which I never understood. He put 110% into everything- school, friendships, family. It’s what drew me to him in the first place. That beautiful, socially awkward dork was everything good in this world. Peter Parker was a hero, even if he didn’t know it.” She takes a deep breath, looks at the picture of his smiling face that she took three months ago when he was distracted by a dog walking past. “He’s my hero.”
Jess locks eyes with Tony, standing in the back of the church, jaw tight. And she crumbles.
~o~
A month later she’s in her room, still wide awake even though it’s three in the morning and she has school tomorrow, staring at her phone. And before she can think better of it, she presses the screen.
Peter’s voice rings through her voicemail, bright and excited and alive. “Hey Jessie! Sorry I’m running late, the bus showed up later than usual. I should be at your apartment soon. Want me to pick up some donuts or a movie or somethiiinnnggg… holy shit. Jess, I gotta go. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it tonight. Stay in your apartment, okay? I love you, gotta go, bye!”
She’s listened to it so many times since that night. Listened to the words until she could recite them, hear his voice saying them without bothering to listen. Replays the words I love you over and over until it begins to feel like she’s drowning in them. She can’t breathe, she can’t breathe, she can’t breathe-
She switches over to a new contact, presses send. It rings and rings and just when she thinks he won’t answer, Tony’s voice blares through her phone speakers. “Jess? Are you okay?”
“How did he die?”
He’s quiet, the only sound on the other end being his breathing. “Jessica, I don’t think-”
“I need to know. Please, just… please.” She wonders if she sounds as desperate as she feels, curled up in a ball under her covers, voice cracking, on the edge of a breakdown.
“You know how he died.”
“What did he say? How did he feel? You haven’t given me any details. I know May doesn’t want them but I- I need them, Tony. I have to know. And I know you won’t bullshit me like some of the other Avengers would.” Her fingernails dig into her palms, drawing blood.
He sighs heavily. “He was scared, Jess. He was terrified because he was the last one to go and he didn’t realize what was happening.” Her chest tightens. “He didn’t want to go and I couldn’t- I couldn’t save him. He was so scared and I tried to tell him he was alright. He kept telling me-” His voice cracks and she can hear it, hear the sadness in his voice. But he still keeps talking. “He kept saying how much he didn’t want to go and then he apologized to me for not doing better. He dissolved in my hands.”
She stares at the picture on her nightstand of Peter and herself smiling for the camera and tries to reconcile that with the bubbly, dorky, amazing boyfriend she remembers. It seems impossible.
“Thank you, Tony,” she whispers before hanging up.
Jess plucks the picture off her nightstand and looks at him. Studies the contours of his face, the way he’s looking at with her with such adoration, the way his nose scrunches up when he smiles. Thinks about how much she wishes he was in her arms. And then she throws the picture at the wall.
The glass shatters, spilling into the carpet. The sound echoes throughout the apartment and when her mom shows up moments later, panic in her eyes. “Jessica! What the hell-?” But then her eyes land on the picture, flick over to the nightstand before falling. “Oh, sweetie.”
Her mom holds her tightly, running her fingers through her hair, and she chokes out, “He left me, Mommy,” before dissolving into sobs. “I shouldn’t be mad at him because he didn’t want to, he was so scared , but I still hate him for leaving me and- he left me and I hate him and I love him and fuck you Peter Parker!”
Her mom doesn’t say a word, just hums an old lullaby she used to sing Jess to sleep with while she sobs, wracking cries that terrify her because she never thought she was capable of crying like this. Never thought she was capable of feeling so simultaneously empty and angry.
She finally begins to calm down, exhaustion taking over. Without either of them saying a word, Jess curls up under the covers, her mom squeezing in beside her. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers, gripping her mom’s hand tightly.
“I won’t.”
~o~
Three months after the Dissolving, she tries to convince herself to throw away everything he ever gave her.
The sweatshirt she keeps hanging in her closet to preserve his smell. The photos of him hanging on her walls. The books he would give her out of the blue. Never for a reason. He would just grin at her as he handed them over. “I thought you’d like it!
“You don’t have to spoil me, you know.”
“This isn’t even close to spoiling you. You want me to spoil you, I’ll go get you a box of Cookie Dough Bites and the trilogy you’ve been rambling on about. What was it again, The Kane Chronicles?”
“Okay, you’ve made your point. Thank you.”
Everything in her room reminds her of Peter, from the way he’d lounge on her bed while she worked on homework to the way he’d hang upside-down from the ceiling to kiss her when she was ignoring him.
Jess thinks she might have married him if he’d asked. God, she would do anything for him.
But she can’t be strong, can’t move on with Peter surrounding her without end. She can’t live her life constantly remembering him.
She compromises with herself. She gathers up all of his things, stuffs them in her desk drawer and locks it, puts the key on a chain around her neck. Her room looks bare.
Jess curls up on her bed and sinks.
~o~
She thinks her mom and MJ are the only reasons she’s starting to recover at this point.
Her mom refuses to let her wallow in her room, dragging her out to go the park or see a movie or volunteer at a shelter. It’s nice sometimes, when she hasn’t left her room since school let out for the day and she can hardly remember what she learned. It makes her interact with people, forces her to feel feelings besides longing. She loves her mom for that.
On the other hand, MJ is perfect for when she can’t handle being around other people. She’ll watch movies with her at home, screaming at the tv when Jess can’t even gather up the energy to whisper. She’ll sit with her quietly, playing with her hair while filling the dead space by updating her on her favorite shows and fandoms that Jess used to pay attention to religiously. MJ assigns her books that she knows will fire her up and then the next time she comes over, they spend the entire afternoon going off on each other. It’s even more entertaining when MJ plays devil’s advocate and makes Jess want to punch the wall. Those are the days she feels the most alive.
When she needs to talk about Peter, she goes over to May’s apartment. They’ll sit together, listening to his playlist and just talking about the most random of things. The time Peter skipped the Decathlon, the first time he kissed Jess, when May found out he was Spiderman. She never fails to end up crying, but she always feels lighter when she leaves, more bonded to May. Though, the one day May revealed she had been certain that Jess was going to be her daughter-in-law one day was one that left her falling apart all over again.
She can’t make herself see Ned anymore, though. It hurts because she knows he’s in as much pain as her- if not more- and she can’t even get herself together, so how can she help him? And honestly, seeing him hurts her because then all she can think about are the times she used to spend with him and Peter. Her favorite memory is the time she watched them build a Lego Death Star for the first time, throwing Legos from other sets at them occasionally to throw them off. Ned had tackled her to the ground and tickled her until she’d been screaming for mercy while Peter had just watched, laughing his ass off. Later on he’d told her he was really happy that they got along so well.
Now every time she sees him, she thinks of that moment and can’t breathe.
Every once in a while her mom mentions joining her support group. They’ve been popping up all over the city; support groups solely for people who lost someone in the Dissolving. Mom joined not long after; Jess’ Aunt Petunia had Dissolved and it had been really hard on her.
But she can’t make herself go. She can’t look around, try to tell her story without telling the whole truth. If she talks about it, she knows she’ll spill every little detail. Though she supposes it doesn’t really matter now, keeping Peter’s secret, but she still feels like she needs to. Like the second she tells someone new about it, it’ll take away any chance of him coming back. Not that she thinks there’s a chance, but somehow it just feels like it’s his secret to reveal, no matter the fact that he’s dead. Maybe she can’t change it, but she can keep one last secret for him.
~o~
Flash corners her by her locker, smile wide and gleaming. “Hey, Jess. How’s it going?”
She rolls her eyes, grabs her math notebook out of her locker. “Just about to go to math. You?”
“Just about to ask out a beautiful girl.” He winks at her and she blinks, tries to process. Flash Thompson is asking her out. Flash Thompson, who enjoyed making her boyfriend suffer just because he was dorky and Flash was an insecure asshole.
He must take her silence as a yes because he rambles on, still smirking in that way that makes her wish she rip his lips off of his stupid, smug face. “I figure I can pick you up around six, we can get dinner and then catch a movie? I’ve got one I’ve been wanting to see for a while, but if you’ve got something else in mind that’s-”
Before rational thought can talk her out of it, she punches him in the face, slams her locker, and walks to her next class.
It’s not a secret that she’s still trying to recover from Peter’s death. Jess has never tried to hide it, considering she knows at least ninety percent of the student body lost someone important to them too. Up until now people have respected that, haven’t even tried flirting with her. It’s like they know she’ll lose her cool if they try.
Well, except for Flash, apparently.
Surprisingly, she never gets called out of class like she thought she would. She definitely gave the asshole a bloody nose, given the flicks of dried blood on her knuckles. She rubs her knuckles until the blood doesn’t show up on her skin anymore and then calmly takes notes until class ends.
When she leaves the classroom, Ned is standing by the doorway, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. His eyes widen when he sees her, stopping his rocking suddenly.
Jess purses her lips, pushes her hair behind her ear. “Hey, Ned.”
He blinks at her before raising an eyebrow. “I heard Flash asked you out and you punched him.”
She nods, avoiding his eyes. It hurts, the idea that anyone could think she’s ready to move on, but not as much as usual. Maybe one day she can move on. Maybe she’s getting closer.
“Are you okay?” He looks at her with concern in his eyes, makes her feel fragile and vulnerable and goddammit, she’s tired of feeling like she’ll break into pieces at any moment.
“Yes, Ned, I’m fine. I’m not going to fall apart just because some idiot asshole asked me out, okay? I’m okay.” He opens his mouth to reply but she speaks before he can, brushing past him. “Thank you for caring enough to ask, but I’ve got history next. See you, Ned.”
When she glances back as she turns the corner, he’s still standing in the doorway, frozen. And when she looks at him, her mind doesn’t automatically flit to times spent with Peter. Instead, she thinks about how cold she just was. And she decides to skip her next class and starts walking towards him.
~o~
Jess hangs upside down off her bed, eyes locked on her phone screen. Before she can talk herself out of it, she presses send and brings it to her ear. It’s been too long she’s talked to Tony Stark.
“Jess?” There’s a quiet murmur of voices in the background, occasional shouting.
She hesitates, wonders if maybe it’s been too long. Maybe she shouldn’t be talking to him anymore; there’s nothing that connects them except Peter and he’s dead. There’s no reason for them to talk. Oh god, she definitely shouldn’t be doing this-
“Jessica? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine,” she says automatically, biting her lip. “I was actually calling to check in on you.”
She can hear how skeptical he is in his voice. “Really? How certain of that are you?”
Jess rolls her eyes, a forbidden smile flitting across her lips before she fights it off. “Shut up. It’s been months since we talked-” (“He was scared, Jess. He was terrified-”) “-and I wanted to know what you were up to. How you’re handling everything. Oh, and congratulations on the baby!”
“Thanks, Jess. Pepper and I are doing great. I’ve already completely made up the nursery- shut up!- and Pepper wants to name the baby Howard if it’s a boy and Hope if it’s a girl- okay, I’m leaving since Banner can’t stop asking me questions for one second!”
The background voices dim drastically, but Jess can’t focus on that relief at the moment. “Banner? As in Bruce Banner? As in the Hulk?”
Tony sighs. “It’s a long story that I don’t have time to get into right now.”
“Is Thanos back?” Her voice is quiet, shaking, and suddenly all she can feel is the same terror that drove her to walk to May’s apartment at three in the morning the night of the Dissolving when Peter never checked in.
“Jess…” She recognizes that uncomfortable tone in his voice.
“Don’t you bullshit me, Tony Sta-”
“And don’t you talk to me like that, Jessica Martin. You are not involved in this and it isn’t something you need to know.”
Her breath hitches and she can’t handle being upside down anymore. She sits up, feels the headache developing as the blood leaves her head. “Please, Tony- Mr. Stark- I need to know. Please. ”
“I’m not going to tell you-”
“Does it have something to do with the Dissolved?” His hesitation is all the answer she needs. Jess grips her comforter tightly, heartbeat racing. “Tony… what the hell are you guys planning on doing?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
She can’t help but whisper, “Are you trying to bring them back?” full of hope and terror combined.
“Jess-" A shout rings out in the distance and Tony’s tone changes drastically. “Gotta go, I’m sorry I can’t tell you more, and stay safe.”
And with that, he’s gone
She blinks. Slowly pries her fingers from the comforter. Allows a ragged breath to escape her lips.
“They’re trying to bring them back,” she whispers. Without a second thought she slips off her bed, unlocks the bottom drawer, and pulls out his sweatshirt. Pulls it on, moves so that she’s leaning against her bed with all his pictures. And she begins to cry.
~o~
Jessica taps on the coffee table, watching May as she paints Jess’ toenails a soft pink that matches the dress she’s wearing.
She remembers when May did this before her and Peter’s first date. Peter had smiled so wide and stuttered so ridiculously when he saw her that she knew she couldn’t let this one get away. Not with the feeling that was welling up inside her at the sight.
God, she hates the heartbreak the thought fills her with. She’d just been starting to move on, but now she’s right back where she started. Not when the Dissolved appeared again yesterday morning. Not when the heroes destroyed Thanos last night and Peter still hasn’t come home.
“Do you want anything for dinner after I’m done?” May asks softly.
Jess ignores the urge to curl into a ball and shakes her head. “No, I’m fine.” Liar liar liar.
May’s face falls, just the slightest, and Jess feels bad but she can’t make herself say anything to convince she’s okay. This time the roles are reversed. May is the one who still has hope that Peter will walk through the door while Jess knows he isn’t. He would have been back by now. He never would have left them questioning.
She stays stretched out until May finishes her nails and moves onto her own, and then brings her knees to her chest. Tries to fight the urge to start sobbing again.
One day. It had taken one day to undo six months of progress towards moving on. One day to bring hope, only to take it all away. One day to remind her how much she loves Peter Parker.
May starts humming quietly. A quiet song, one that Peter used to play at least once every time she came over. It was their song. She feels like she’s being stabbed, over and over, but Jess doesn’t stop her. Can’t stop her. Needs to listen to the notes, drawn out and sweet. Needs to remember dancing together in his room, her cheek against his, his palms against her back, his voice singing the words quietly in her ear. The moment she fell in love with him.
A quiet knock on the door. Honestly, she wouldn’t get up to get it if May hadn’t just started doing her nails, but she did, so Jess mutters, “I’ve got it,” and gets to her feet, goes to the door and peeks through the peephole.
Tony Stark. And someone in the shadows behind him.
Her brain starts screaming.
Her hands shake, a sharp gasp piercing her chest. She swings the door open slowly, freezes. Her eyes slide right over Tony and onto the smaller figure behind him. Messy brown hair, wide brown eyes, the awkward, anxious smile that she loves so much. “Peter?” She breathes out, so, so afraid that this is just a dream. That she’ll wake up and he won’t be there.
He steps forward, eyes roaming her face with a desperation she could never dream up. “Jessie.” There’s none of the hesitation keeping her frozen in his movements; he wraps her in his arms tightly, shaking slightly.
She doesn’t notice Tony pat her back gently, doesn’t see him walk past her and into the apartment, doesn’t see the tears begin to leak down Peter’s cheeks. All she can comprehend is that he’s here, he’s tangible, and oh god, she never wants to let him go. Jess buries her face in the crook of his neck, presses a kiss to the skin, squeezes him tighter than ever. “I love you,” she gasps, not caring that her tears are soaking his sweatshirt.
“I love you too,” he says into her hair, voice cracking.
“If you ever leave me again I’ll kill you myself, Peter Parker.”
He laughs as she finally pulls away from him, smile brighter than the sun. “I never thought I would miss you threatening me, Jessica Martin.” And then his eyes flit up and his smile widens as May gasps aloud. Jess steps aside as the two hug, May murmuring, “Oh my god,” over and over while he stays silent, tears speeding up their descent.
Peter’s back. Peter is hugging May and Tony is standing in the doorway, a small smile on his lips, and she’s watching her world right itself in front of her very eyes. She’s not looking at a photo, not picturing it on her eyelids, not talking about it to MJ: no, it’s actually happening. He's in front of her and oh god, she's never letting him go again.
The world was already starting to come together, but now it’s solid again.