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There is a moment in his childhood that Osomatsu remembers with clarity.
The first time he really noticed the rain.
It snuck up on him. One droplet on his head, then another soaking through his uniform. More and more, until Osomatsu was forced to look up and stop for a moment to notice the sky.
It was a stormy grey, though it had been like that all week. Rain swirled and danced through the sky, and then splattered unceremoniously onto his face. He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly so captivated by the light glistening off each individual droplet of water. Somehow it just looked nice. All he could hear was the dull drum of the rain hitting the pavement.
It really felt good, with the rain soaking through his hair and probably through his textbooks the longer he stood there. Perhaps he had just wanted to stop everything for a moment. Like if he stood there long enough in the rain, every little thing could just wash away like water washed away the dirt and grime on his body after playing outside for too long. For seconds, Osomatsu could only see rain.
Then, it stopped.
The pitter patter feeling on his head disappeared, and Osomatsu was left feeling a little disoriented. He blinked water from his eyelashes, eyebrows turning down in confusion when his view of the sky was obscured by something black with metal rods sticking through it.
“Nii-san?”
Osomatsu wiped his wet face with the sleeve of his uniform and turned his head. Choromatsu was there suddenly, with a frown on his face and a confused tilt of his head. Osomatsu thought that his little brothers might end up getting wrinkles if he kept creasing his forehead like that.
“Yeah?” Osomatsu said, the words sounding weirdly echoey to him. Like voices echoing off the walls of a cave. Like it wasn’t his own voice.
“Why were you just standing there like that?” Choromatsu asked, shifting the thing he was holding to another hand. Ah, an umbrella. That was why Osomatsu suddenly didn’t feel the rain anymore. He continued, “It was super creepy.”
“I was thinking,” Osomatsu responded.
“You can do that?” Choromatsu commented dryly.
Osomatsu shot him a look of indignation. "Hey!"
“If you’re done ‘thinking’, let’s go home already. The others already went on ahead while you were doing that,” Choromatsu said. “Take out your umbrella.”
“Hehe,” Osomatsu rubbed his nose sheepishly. “I didn’t bring it.”
The disappointed look that crossed Choromatsu’s face could have rivaled his own mother when he told her that he’d left his schoolbag at school one day (in his defense it was like, really heavy so he technically saved himself some trouble by not bringing it).
“I don’t know what I was expecting,” Choromatsu muttered. He began walking forwards without Osomatsu, who was left in the rain once more.
“Hey! Wait up! Aren’t we sharing?” Osomatsu called, running to keep up with his younger brother.
“Eh? Why would I share with you, shitty eldest?” Choromatsu said, walking faster in order to avoid Osomatsu.
“Because I’m your big brother!” Osomatsu said back, feeling a smile play on his lips. He ran faster and faster in order to catch up with him, the sound of rain overtaking his senses once more.
Osomatsu doesn’t think he ever caught up with Choromatsu. He actually doesn’t remember that part too clearly. The one thing he does remember though, is the sound of rain. The feeling of water dripping down his face and soaking through his uniform. That unnerving sensation like you’re floating in midair, like you’re being carried away by the sound of raindrops.
And he keeps holding onto this memory for some reason that he can’t identify. Every time those dark clouds roll overhead and there’s a rumble of thunder that wakes him up in the middle of the night, all Osomatsu can think about the rain outside, how much he feels like everything should just wash away.
Sometimes it’s a crackle of lightning that greeted him when he woke up, all sweaty and gross from another nonsensical nightmare. He bit down hard on his pyjama sleeve to keep from crying, looking up and down the futon to check that all his brothers were still there.
One, two. Three, four, five. Check check check.
The pounding in his heart is still there, that racing feeling when he realized that he was all alone again in the middle of the night surrounded by his little brothers who were sleeping soundly next to him.
So Osomatsu got up. He sat by the balcony, drawing his knees tight against his chest and squeezing his eyes shut tight as he buried his head into his pants. The crickle crackle of rain drops slamming against the glass window calmed him a little. Osomatsu found himself falling through darkness with only raindrops to guide him.
There was a moment in his life where that nightmare from that rainy day became his reality. Osomatsu ground the palms of his hands into his eyes to stop himself from crying.
He didn’t need to count any heads in the futon anymore, because there weren’t any left except his own. Zero. Gone.
A shuddering exhale.
There was no rain to guide him this time. No rain to comfort him and nothing to listen to that could lull him to sleep. Maybe the low buzz of cicadas outside, but Osomatsu just found that annoying.
He yearned for something, something to fill this void inside of him. The rain was all he had left. They were all he had left. Osomatsu was going to cry.
But one by one they came back. One by one, pieces of his heart were gently pieced together again. There was some gnawing realization in his stomach when finishing the baseball tournament and everything was said and done. That there was going to be one point where he’d have to go through that again. There was going to be a point where Osomatsu would have to go “Hey, I need to stop being so immature and grow up already.”
There was gonna be a point where he’d have to let go of them again. The anticipation of them leaving a second time was worse than not seeing it coming at all.
Suddenly he was just a little kid again. The rain falling all around him, yet the sound was amplified. Choromatsu was walking forwards with his stupid black umbrella.
"Wait!" Osomatsu called out, stumbling over his own two feet. He began to run. "Choromatsu. Choromatsu!"
Choromatsu turned to Ichimatsu, with the slouch in his back and the ruffle of his hair. Then to Karamatsu, then Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu. Until suddenly he was crying, because he kept slipping on every crack and crevice in the road and the rain was only growing louder and louder.
"Don't leave me," His voice cracked, standing up on shaky legs only to find that his brothers were gone again.
Dad is in the hospital now. He passed out from overworking.
It's fucking terrifying, Osomatsu thinks. He doesn't know what to do.
So he finds himself working shifts at a restaurant. It isn’t the best, and it’s far from the dreams he’s already forgotten from childhood. But it’s definitely something. He knows it is when the brown envelope that contains his paycheck is handed to him for the first time.
His dad is fine, and he even time to take days off because of how hard he and his brother’s are working! That definitely counts for something.
He sees his brothers a lot less often, but he thinks that’s okay.
… It’s okay.
It’ll be okay.
Osomatsu inhales and exhales. He’s suddenly a lot more aware of his breathing.
“Osomatsu-niisan?” Ichimatsu says, voice laced with exhaustion. He must be tired from working all night at Chibita’s. Osomatsu can barely hear him. He moves out of the house, feet carrying him as quickly as possible, yet also carrying him to absolutely nowhere.
Osomatsu feels like his brain is turning to mush. His walk feels sluggish, eyes threatening to close on him and send him off to sleep. Yet he keeps walking, keeps going. With orange sun shining down on him, Osomatsu keeps walking.
And eventually he reaches somewhere that makes his feet pause for just a moment. He looks down at them in confusion, like they’ve personally offended him by stopping. After all, they’ve carried him so far, so why stop now?
Apparently he’s getting too tired to continue, with the way his ankles burn every time he bends them. There’s a bench underneath a cherry blossom tree, and Osomatsu finds himself moving towards it.
There are people everywhere. Businessmen, a woman and her child, two schoolgirls. He regards them blankly as they wander about their day, meandering off into the distance until they become blurry silhouettes.
A pitter patter feeling on his head. Osomatsu looks up.
It’s raining.
He blinks, surprised. He doesn’t remember the forecast saying it would rain today. Yet again, it sneaks up on him. Osomatsu can feel his lips twitch, but he can’t tell if he’s meant to be smiling or frowning.
Everyone’s gone now, but they’re also not. Osomatsu knows that they’ve only gone back to their houses, and it isn’t like they’ve disappeared forever. But it feels that way, when he’s sitting on a hard steel bench while gross wet petals fall and land on his head and rain is making his hair stick to his head.
He doesn’t want them to disappear again, and even if they aren’t really gone, it feels like it. It does.
Osomatsu doesn’t want to get up and move under a thicker tree or something. He doesn’t want to lose the feeling of rain chilling him to the bone, the feeling like he’s going to be sick if he stays out here in the cold any longer. Even if it sucks and even if it’ll only make his situation worse, Osomatsu doesn’t want to let go of it all.
He really likes it, the way that everything blurs around him when he’s in rain. How thunder can be so loud it blocks out everything you hear. That’s nice. That’s good. He feels like he’s inside of a little bubble, safe and protected. The thought almost makes him smile.
Osomatsu just wants it all to fade for a moment, for everything to just disappear already. Just hurry up and let his life disappear so that it can only be him and the rain for the rest of eternity.
There’s something blocking the rain again. Just like all those years ago, he’s brought back to reality.
“Osomatsu-kun?”
He knows that he has to come back eventually.
Osomatsu turns. Totoko-chan. She looks curious, eyes large as she stares at him in questioning.
He can’t just let himself fade away, after all.
Osomatsu blinks water from his eyes. Warm droplets run down his cheeks, and he can’t tell if he’s crying or if it’s just the rain.
He thinks that he can do it, because it’d be a shame to just give it all up now. He’s already made it this far.