Chapter Text
2019
“Dan, I need to talk to you,” Phil said solemnly. The tone in his voice surprised Dan, and if he were being quite honest, scared him.
“Can it wait until after we film PINOF 10?” Dan asked. He was hesitant to have the conversation, whatever it may be. Phil considered his request briefly.
“Yeah, I suppose it could. It may be better this way,” he responded. It was ambiguous, and vague, and it was the worst sort of tease. The kind where you knew it was bad, but you had to know now, or the anxious curiosity would burn at your throat until you found out.
“Well, nevermind,” Dan said. “Now I need to hear it. Shoot.” He braced himself as Phil sat on the sofa, angling himself towards Dan.
“So, you know how I turned 32 this year, and how we’ve been doing this for 10 years now, and we’ve been so caught up in each other and our channels and the tour, we’ve never really had time to date and stuff, right?” Phil was rambling, and Dan had no idea where it was headed.
“Uh huh, go on..”
“Dan, I joined a dating site.” Phil was nearly cringing in anticipation of Dan’s reaction. Dan just laughed.
“What, like you’re on Tinder now?” He chuckled, relief on his face. “I mean, may be a bit risky what with all the Phangirls, but you do you.” He turned away and stood to leave when Phil grabbed at his hand and kept him in place.
“No, it’s not like Tinder. Sit, please.” Phil now covered his face with his free hand, sliding it down while exhaling. He wondered the best way to explain. “It’s not really a normal dating site. It’s more like, a professional matchmaker. For people serious about meeting someone and getting married soon. Dan, they found someone for me.” The seriousness of the situation hit Dan again like a train.
“You’re, you’re getting married?” he asked.
“Probably, yeah. I haven’t met her in person yet, but we’ve chatted, and she’s really nice. I like her.”
“Phil, this sounds like an arranged marriage, doesn’t it? I mean,” panic was setting into his voice now. Panic and some other, undefined feeling that had his breathing shallow and his stomach in knots. “Phil, wouldn’t you rather marry someone you know? Someone you really enjoy spending time with? Someone you love?”
“Well, I sure as hell am not marrying you now, am I?” There was a bitterness to his voice that was entirely foreign to each of them, and their eyes welled as their throats closed.
Adding to all that, Dan was also confused. Why was he feeling so desperate? And what exactly was he desperate for? It’s not as if he and Phil had anything going on. They haven’t been the least bit romantic since- Well, since-
2009
The two had just finished shooting PINOF 1. Well, most of it. They were now laying on the floor next to Phil’s bed, after Phil pounced on Dan. Phil ran his hand through Dan’s thick hair, brushing it off of his face. He leaned down and smiled, that fuckboy smile that occasionally graced his videos and made Dan weak. Phil closed his eyes as he kissed Dan, breathing him in as deeply as possible, tongue gliding over his lips.
Dan pulled back though, as far as he could for someone whose head was against the floor. Phil stopped, looking into his eyes.
“Something wrong?” he asked.
“I just,” Dan started. “It’s just that I don’t think I’m ready for this. I like you, and you’re really turning me on right now..”
“But,” Phil interrupted.
“…but I’ve never felt like this about a guy, and I’m really confused.”
Phil sat upright, knowing that the moment was over. He faced away from Dan so he wouldn’t see the shine in his eyes, threatening to spill over and give him away.
“Phil, I think we should be friends until I figure myself out. Because you’re my best friend already and I really don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you. Maybe that’s selfish, but-”
“You’re not gonna lose me,” he said quickly. He cleared his throat. “And it doesn’t hurt that much, I’ll be fine. Friends first, right?” Phil smiled at him the best he could. Dan smiled back.
“Friends first.”
2019
“So, what’s her name again? I don’t want to mess it up and come off like a douche.”
“Dan, relax. Sarah will love you.”
He was meeting Phil’s- girlfriend? Betrothed? Fiancée? Ugh. He was meeting Sarah today. Phil had made it official, and now she wanted to meet his Best Man. Dan was honored, of course, to accept the position, but something about it still felt bitter-sweet.
He thought it must be the thought of Phil moving out, leaving Dan alone in the flat. They’d still be friends, no doubt. But Dan knew that Phil and Sarah would probably move to a house on the outskirts of London, and get a dog, and maybe have a baby, and he would be stuck alone. Yeah, that must be it. He feared the loneliness.
Yet, when Sarah entered Starbucks and Phil instantly got up to hug her hello, Dan felt that same undefined sting he felt the day Phil told him about her. His stomach was so tight and all he wanted to do was tear the two apart. He wanted to pull him away. Why?
“Dan, Sarah. Sarah, Dan,” Phil said, snapping Dan out of his day dream.
“It’s so great to meet you!” she said. “I’d say ‘finally’ but truth be told, it’s all happened so quickly!” She was sweet, and had the same innocent glow about her that attracted, no drew, rather, Dan to Phil. Dan reached out to shake her hand.
“It has, hasn’t it?” It came off more snarky than he meant it. Almost judgemental.
“Well, let’s have a seat, you both. Get chatting, I’ll order. Caramel machiatto for Dan, Sarah, what’s your drink?”
“I’ll have a cappuccino, thanks!” When Phil turned away, Sarah spoke to Dan. “Strange he knows your order, but not mine,” she laughed.
“Not really that strange,” Dan quipped. “We’ve been friends for ten years. Flatmates for seven. We know almost all there is to know about each other.”
Sarah leaned in, as if they were close friends, before asking, “Anything you should warn me about him then?” Her eyes sparkled and like that, she was easy to talk to, to be friends with. Sarah was lovely.
“Well, he steals cereal, so you’d better hide it if you want to know you’ll safely have yours in the morning,” he said. “Then again, you both will probably share cereal.”
Phil returned with the drinks and set them all down in front of each of them.
“Pleased to see you’re getting along,” Phil said.
“So, I guess we may as well get on with it and tell you the big news!” Sarah spoke for herself and Phil. It felt wrong to Dan.
“Big news?” he asked.
“We have a date picked out. December 28th!” A date. They had a date picked out. The pang that had been in his chest all morning intensified at the thought of Phil with her, deciding on a date for their wedding. Yet he had to stay cool.
“Next year? That sounds good.”
“No, this year. In 3 weeks,” Phil retorted. He looked at Dan seriously, assessing his reaction.
“3 weeks? Are you kidding me?” Suddenly the walls were closing in on him. His shallow breathing sped up and he thought he may vomit by the knot in his stomach, the pin pricks in his finger tips. He stood up, tugging at his collar in an attempt to let some of that damn sweat evaporate. “I need to go.” Phil stood up as well.
“Dan?”
“I’m sorry Phil, Sarah, I need to go, now.” And he bolted out the door, leaving the bell chiming behind him. He ran until he was out of breath, which in truth was not very long, given his history with exercise and his current state of mind. He sank to the pavement as the tears came, for the first time since he’d been told, he cried over Phil’s impending marriage. And now that it was happening, he wondered why he hadn’t cried sooner. Because now, he finally understood.
He loved him. He had always loved him. And now he was marrying someone else.
Two Weeks Until the Wedding
Dan entered the living room to find Phil scribbling in a journal, something he hadn’t done since that failed New Year’s Resolution of 2013.
“What’s that about?” Dan asked him.
“It’s something Sarah does and she told me I should try it. She says it’ll help me sort out my feelings since this is all happening so quickly.”
“Oh,” Dan replied. “Is it working?”
“Yeah, I think so,” he smiled at him softly, in a way that said I know this is hard, be patient, it’ll all work out.
Phil stood up and entered his bedroom, coming out soon after.
“I’m going to the shop. Want anything?”
“Nah, I’m set. Thanks, Phil.”
When the door shut behind him, the emptiness sank in. The flat was not the same without Phil’s shimmer and glow. The air left Dan’s chest and even though he was breathing, it still felt like he was suffocating. Then he thought of the journal, hiding all of Phil’s thoughts on the matter, lurking not 10 meters away from him. He knew he shouldn’t, but a strange void had overtaken him lately and Dan would do anything in his power to end this. He had felt like this before, but not since September, 2009.
He entered Phil’s room, nearly floating, and checked the most obvious place he could think of, Phil’s bedside table drawer. And the journal was in there, of course, since Phil wouldn’t hide it. He was so trusting. Dan flipped through the pages quickly, unsure what he was looking for until he caught a glance of his own name.
Dan is taking it pretty hard, I think. He tries to be positive in front of me, and in front of Sarah, but I can see it in his eyes, even when he smiles and laughs. And if that doesn’t give it away there’s the fact that he literally ran out of Starbucks when we told him when we were getting married.
Wow, I’m getting married to Sarah. It’s so strange how your whole future can change in an instant. There was a time, and it didn’t seem too long ago, that I thought I wouldn’t marry anyone if it wasn’t Dan.
Dan froze, re-reading the line a full six times before he was certain he interpreted it correctly. Phil had wanted to marry him. Or at least, didn’t want to marry anyone else. But, it was all in past tense.
He continued-
Of course, Dan has never felt that way and that’s fine, because I have Sarah now. And she’s really amazing. I never thought I could feel excited to get to know someone again. It’s like, well, it’s like falling in love.
Dan snapped the journal shut and the icy, heavy feeling returned to his heart. He nearly threw it back in the drawer when he saw a tiny velvet box. He knew what this meant, it would be a wedding band. Part of him ached at the thought that he hadn’t seen it before. That Phil wouldn’t have shown him the ring he got for Sarah. But maybe he was doing his best not to rub it in his face. Dan shouldn’t have looked.
But inside the tiny box was a silver ring. It had a thick band, and a small black stone in it. It was a men’s ring, must be Phil’s. And it was beautiful. Not really Phil’s style, Dan thought, but then again, how would Sarah even know?
Dan returned to the living room just in time for Phil to come around the corner.
“Malteasers?” Phil said as he tossed the bag in Dan’s lap. Dan sniffed back his tears before answering.
“Thank you.”
One Week Until the Wedding
Dan was walking through the kitchen when the thought occurred to him. It was so sudden, out of the blue. And then he was acting on it, and he hadn’t thought it through at all, really. He just knew it was what he wanted and he was about 99% sure Phil wouldn’t really mind so he went with it.
He stepped up to Phil, who was sitting on the sofa, laptop in lap, mug of coffee in hand. Dan took the mug from him and set it on the table wordlessly.
“Dan?” Phil asked. Dan slid his laptop off his lap and onto the sofa beside him. He grabbed Phil by the hands and stood him up.
Phil looked at him quizzically. Then Dan leaned into him, his face embarrassingly close. He waited a moment, and Phil did not pull back. The heat of his breath so near to him, Dan closed the gap and pressed his lips to Phil’s. In an instant, they were kissing. Phil was kissing him back and Dan wrapped his arm around his waist, curled his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. Phil grabbed him by the hips gently.
Dan separated them when he felt his jeans getting tighter around his groin. Best to avoid that embarrassment.
“What was that?” Phil asked.
“I just,” Dan hadn’t even thought about how he’d explain it afterwards. “I just wanted to do that. You know, once. If it’s my last chance.”
Their breathing was shallow again, but filled with a new kind of anticipation.
“If it’s your last chance?” Phil repeated.
“Well, not like I can stop the wedding,” Dan replied.
“You can’t stop the wedding?” Phil was confused, and his words weren’t making sense. To him or to Dan. Rather than fight him on it, Dan just nodded and left the room. He wanted to leave the kiss exactly how it was, untainted by explanations of feelings and worries about what is to come. He had kissed Phil for the second, and last, time.
December 28th, 2019
“Phil, I’ve been working on something I want to show you.”
“Dan, what is it? You’re gonna make me late to my own wedding,” he chided, knowing that procrastination and tardiness was an ongoing joke between them.
“You’ll like this, I swear. And I made sure you have time. We’re already dressed and everything.”
Just come in here, he gestured towards his bedroom. Phil entered and Dan followed behind him, sitting down at the piano.
“Aren’t surprise performances usually done at the reception?” Phil laughed.
“I thought you’d prefer this one be more private.”
Dan didn’t wait for his reaction before striking the first few chords. The melody was slow, and beautiful, and full of passion. Phil recognized the song, though he couldn’t identify it until Dan began to sing.
“Whether near or far, I am always yours. Any change in time, we are young again.”
Phil brought his hands to his mouth as Dan continued. His voice was not perfect, and slightly off-key, but his it was every bit as passionate as the piano.
“In these coming years, many things will change, but the way I feel, will remain the same.”
Phil began crying openly.
“Lay us down, we’re in love.” Dan choked up at that line, but he made it through. And as he finished the last notes and let them ring out, Phil grasped him around the neck from behind and sobbed into his neck. Dan stood to face him.
“It’s okay, Phil,” he said. “I just wanted you to know.” But Dan’s acceptance was met with a needy kiss from Phil. He twisted his fingers in Dan’s hair. Dan shuddered against him. It was unexpected and he was left with his confidence shaken. He was prepared to sing his song, make his piece, and let Phil go. But how could he let go of this? He wrapped his best friend, his love, in a tight hug and began crying again himself.
“Don’t go,” Dan said. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I’m not going,” Phil cried. “We’re in love.”