Chapter Text
August 2006
Iffy’s parents said college would be different from high school. Better. She’d be able to pick her own classes and people would be more mature and instructors would no longer cater to the lowest common denominator.
Her cousin Jay said that was all bullshit. It was exactly like high school, but bigger, and they didn’t call your parents if you didn’t show in class.
Also, like almost everyone was going to be white at her school, so she could expect casual, low-key racism. But that wasn’t new. This was a pretty liberal part of town, so hopefully it wouldn’t be as bad as her high school.
Jay had had the bigger part right, at least. The building and surrounding lawns and parking lots probably stretched at least a half mile, maybe more. And there Iffy stood, on the sidewalk at the bus stop right outside the parking lot, staring at her map and trying to make sense of it. She turned it this way and that until she had it at the right angle, looked up at the school, and went forward.
She needed to get to the Language Arts building -- at the opposite end of campus, of course -- and she only got turned around twice, ending up at the library both times.
“Well, at least I know where that is,” she mumbled to herself.
Students milled around her, everywhere from their middle teens to middle age, and she only had to get bumped into once before she started moving again.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket, already on silent so she wouldn’t forget when she got into class. She pulled it out and saw “Mom” on the caller ID. She braced herself and answered.
“Hey, Mom.” She tucked her phone between her cheek and her shoulder so she could adjust the map again.
“Hi, Keisha. I just wanted to tell you good luck on your first day at college!”
“Thanks. But I actually can’t really talk right now, I’m kind of lost and --”
She looked up. She was at the library again. How did this keep happening?
“Dammit,” she muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Iffy said. “Just talking to myself.”
“Well, you sound busy, so I’ll let you go.”
“Thanks.”
She hung up.
Finally she ended up at the Math building, which was only two away from the Language Arts building, thank God. She turned the map again to make sure she was oriented correctly, and started to her right.
Where she smacked straight into somebody’s chest.
She stumbled back a few steps, her brown eyes darting up as she brushed her long black hair out of her face. It was starting to frizz already, even though she’d only straightened it an hour ago. Fucking heat.
The person -- a very, very tall, at least half-Black man, with a shaved head, an armful of tattoos, and a face full of piercings, maybe her age, maybe a year or two older -- looked down at her and pulled a phone out of his pocket, tapping something out quickly before turning the screen in her direction.
Sorry.
Iffy looked up at him helplessly. Was he Deaf? She knew maybe a handful of signs, none of which could be useful in this situation. They stared at each other for a second before she stumbled out an "ASL" while shaking her head, hoping that would get her message across.
The man nodded and held up a finger. He typed something else into his phone.
No problem. I can hear. Just can’t speak.
“Oh!” Iffy said. “Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to smack into you like that. I was distracted by my map.”
Are you lost? Do you need help finding something?
Iffy started to shake her head, but she paused. If she turned him down, it would be just her luck that she’d go in the wrong direction again and end up back at the library.
“Yeah, actually,” she finally said. “The Language Arts building?”
I’ll take you over. My name’s Nate. Yours?
“Iffy,” she said. He hiked an eyebrow. Well, it was a pretty weird name. “It’s a nickname,” she said. “I don’t…” It wasn’t that she disliked her name. She disliked the way people treated her when they learned her name. Her parents had wanted her to have a Black name to go with her Black skin, and she liked it well enough -- was proud of it, even -- but she’d gone to all the whitest schools since she was old enough to walk, and she had to blend in if she was going to be successful. So when Renee gave her the nickname in middle school, she gladly took it on.
“I don’t really use my legal name much,” she finally said. Nate nodded.
I’m not a fan of my full name either, hence the shortening to Nate. I get you. LA building’s over this way.
Iffy looked up from the message and he gestured for her to follow.
I take it you’re new to the school. Are you new to the area, too? Do you need someone to show you around?
Iffy slowed down so she could read the text on the phone screen. She looked up at him and handed it back. “Yeah,” she said. “I moved into the area about a month back with my best friend. Renee. Um…” She trailed off. Having a verbal conversation with text on a cell phone was tricky, but she didn’t want to be rude and overtake it, either. “We’re from Glendale?” she added, to give him something to respond to. “So Tempe isn’t a big jump, but it’s still a bit of a distance.”
I know having a conversation like this is kind of tricky while we’re walking. Don’t worry about me. I’m a good listener. :P
Iffy smiled, glad that he seemed to have a sense of humor about something a lot of people were probably pretty impatient with.
“Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not a very good talker,” she said.
I think you’re doing okay. But if it’s better, do you want to meet in the Student Union sometime after we’re both done with class today? I could tell you about stuff to do in the area, clubs and things, restaurants, all the best stores, if you’re interested in that.
They paused by a door and a quick glance up confirmed to Iffy that it was the Language Arts building. In the past, Iffy would have turned him down -- she could figure that stuff out herself with a quick google -- but then Renee’s words from that morning echoed in her head. ‘Try to meet some people, make some friends. Me and Vi love you but you need to start branching out on your own.’
She bit her lip. She nodded.
“Okay,” she said. “My last class ends just before 3:00.”
Student Union at 3:15, then?
His long fingers curled around the palm-sized cell phone, showing his bright orange nails. With green sparkles? Iffy finally smiled. It was cute. She looked up at his face, his sharp nose and grey eyes. He was smiling at her, too.
“Okay,” she repeated. “3:15.”
Nate grinned and gave her a thumbs up, then signed something she couldn’t understand. And as he walked off, he blew her a kiss, but he was already lost in the crowd by the time she found her voice to ask, “What the hell was that?”
If a guy you just met blows a kiss at you while he walks away, what does that mean?
Iffy wasn’t sure if Renee could get back to her text right away, but hopefully it would be before she met with Nate.
Class was scheduled to start in a few minutes so she put her phone back in her pocket and pulled out her notebook and textbook. A young woman, maybe in her late 20s walked in, and Iffy looked back at her notebook and started doodling while she waited for the professor.
But the woman didn’t sit down. She grabbed a marker and wrote in the top right corner of the whiteboard, “English 101 Honors, 10A-10:50A.” Then, in big, curly letters, at the top middle, she wrote, “Ms. Baker.”
Iffy’s brow furrowed, then she smiled. All the reviews of her classes online had said Ms. Baker was eccentric and weird, so Iffy had expected a batty old woman. Not someone maybe ten years older than her. She could maybe even be her older sister: Ms. Baker had the same dark brown skin tone, the same sharp facial features, the same skinny angles in her body. Her nails were painted bright metallic blue that flashed under the fluorescent light and her dark brown, almost black hair was pulled back into a curly, coily ponytail.
“All right, everyone!” Ms. Baker said. Her voice was bright and bold and big and exuberant, like this was the best part of her day. She picked up a stack of papers and handed them to Iffy, who was in the front right corner, to start handing back. Iffy took one and passed the rest over her shoulder. She thumbed through her packet as Ms. Baker said, “So, the first thing we’re going to go over is language, because that tends to be the most confusing to people for some reason. Cursing in this class is okay, to make a point. Don’t be excessive. Don’t do it in your papers. Slurs are unacceptable for any reason. I hate censorship, but if you need to use a slur in a paper to make a point, please, that’s the only thing I ask you do censor. If you use one in a paper uncensored it will be given a zero, and if you use one in discussion I will ask you to leave for the day.” She paused, waiting for questions. She held up her hands. “So we’re square with this?”
There was a murmur of agreement and a sea of nods, so she continued.
She went through the syllabus a month at a time, and reminded the class multiple times that they would be given assignment dates in class, that the syllabus was a reminder and a refresher rather than doctrine, and that things might change if the speed of the class warranted it. Iffy smiled. All her teachers in high school had said it would be the exact opposite: rigid and unforgiving. She wasn’t sure if she’d been nervous about college or not, but now that Ms. Baker was reassuring them her way of running the class was reasonable and fair, Iffy was a little more relaxed.
She tucked the syllabus into the back of her notebook, and Ms. Baker started the class.
Nate was on his way to his second class when he saw him: his friend Brett, barely ten feet ahead, making his way down the hall and to the main door. Nate picked up his pace to catch up with him and reached out for Brett’s shoulder to let him know he was there. Brett paused and turned around, and a smile spread across his face when he saw Nate. It quickly turned to a scowl when Nate ruffled his curly brown hair like an older brother, even though he was younger than Brett by two years.
“Nate, don’t! My hair’s already a mess today, I don’t need you making it worse.”
Nate chuckled and signed a quick, "Sorry."
Brett tried to rearrange his hair, but gave up halfway through, leaving a few curls sticking up and out from the top and sides of his head. Nate gently adjusted his shorter friend’s curls, pushing them around until they fell a little flatter.
"There," he signed.
“What?” Brett asked. “I don’t know that one.”
"Fixed?"
Brett shrugged. Nate chuckled and rolled his eyes as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.
I fixed it, he typed.
“Thanks,” Brett said. He signed it at the same time. Nate could hear just fine, but he knew if Brett spoke with the physical movement of the signs he’d learned it would made them easier to remember. Nate hoped by next summer he wouldn’t need to type anymore.
Where are you off to? What are your classes this term? Back to the phone again.
“Right now I’m on my way to Cold Readings. I’m taking mostly theatre classes this term. Since I switched majors in my third year almost all of my prereqs are already done.” Brett’s sign was clumsy and he dropped a number of words, but he was improving.
"You’ve been practicing," Nate signed. Brett furrowed his brow. Nate mouthed it out as he signed it again, trying to get it through without using the Blackberry. Brett squinted.
“I’ve been… practicing?” he asked.
Nate grinned and nodded. As they approached the lecture room used for his Lit and Film class, Nate tapped into his phone again.
This is me. See you later!
He patted Brett’s shoulder and Brett waved as they parted ways.
Nate plopped down in a seat in front, trying to channel his excitement about seeing Iffy later into his class work. She seemed nice, and she was so pretty, and she seemed pretty smart, if a little shy.
He hadn’t been able to make many friends besides Brett and his housemate Justin since high school, at least, not outside of work where people were required to interact with him. Most hearing people didn’t know ASL and didn’t care enough to learn and most Deaf people didn’t appreciate a hearing guy busting in on their space. He didn’t really belong anywhere.
But Iffy made him feel like Brett and Justin did. Like it was no big deal. Just one of many ways to communicate.
Like he belonged beside her.
It was 3:00 sharp and, after a few second-guesses of Maybe I shouldn’t go, Iffy made her way over to the student union, grabbed a cup of coffee, and picked out a table close to the door in case she needed an exit. Nate didn’t seem dangerous in any way, but she’d learned better than to assume based off only one meeting.
She pulled out her cell phone to see if Renee had responded yet. Nothing. She might have been at work if she was out of class. They lived together, but weren’t always the best at communicating their schedules. Maybe they should get a calendar.
Someone knocked on the back of her chair and she spun around. Nate was there, walking around her to the other side of the table to sit across from her. He waved.
“Hi,” she said.
They fell into silence.
“What was all that…” She waved her hands in the air, trying to mimic the signs he’d flung in her direction earlier. Nate grinned sheepishly and pulled a tablet out of his bookbag.
I was saying “see you later” and gave you a name sign.
“A name sign?”
Yeah. It literally translates to ‘shining butterfly.’
Iffy raised an eyebrow and laughed incredulously. “Why would you give me a nickname like that?”
Because you’re really pretty? And your eyes are golden brown, like butterfly wings.
Iffy snorted. “Maybe a moth.”
Have you seen moths? A lot of them are really beautiful, too.
Iffy chuckled nervously and curled her hand over her cheek, a small attempt at comfort in an unfamiliar situation. Usually when people said things like this, they wanted something, but Nate hadn’t made any indication he wanted anything at all. Still, she was on her guard now.
Nate’s smile turned a little nervous and he tapped out something on his phone, frowned and shook his head, deleted it, and typed in something else.
Was that out of line? I’m sorry.
Iffy stared at the two sentences for a few moments before sliding it back to Nate. “It’s not that, exactly, it just… it kinda makes me uncomfortable.”
"Sorry," he signed. She only knew a handful of signs, but she did recognize that once.
She signed back, "You’re okay."
Nate grinned brightly.
Are you learning ASL? What do you know? Not a lot of people know it or are interested in it. I can help you, if you want!
Iffy’s eyes scanned the tablet. It would be easier to answer verbally, but Nate had been so pleasant, even during the uncomfortable parts of their conversation. So she stumbled out, "I know a little, but I’m bad at it. I learned in high school." She knew she’d dropped a number of signs and her tenses were probably screwed up, but she wanted to try.
Nate nodded and slid the phone back again.
Didn’t use it, so you lost it?
“Exactly,” Iffy said.
My sister and I learned together. It helps to have someone else to practice with.
“Is she mute, too?” Iffy paused and her hand flew to her mouth. “Is that an okay word to use? I don’t want to call you that if it’s offensive.”
Nate shrugged. It doesn’t bother me. Some people don’t like it, though. But no, my sister can speak. It’s getting her to stop that’s the trick.
Iffy giggled and curled her hand over her mouth to hide it.
“I understand. The same could be said about my roommate. I love her, though.”
Sister? Friend? Girlfriend?
Iffy responded without thinking, gruffly, a little sarcastically. “I haven’t had a girlfriend since freshman year of high school.” She sat up straight and slapped her hand over her mouth, eyes wide. Her nostrils flared as she brought in a too-quick breath. Oh God, oh God, how could she let her guard down like that in front of a complete stranger? She knew better.
"You okay? " Nate signed slowly.
Iffy just sat, staring, unsure of where to go from here.
Nate typed something into his phone, pausing every now and then to delete or rephrase. Finally, he slid it over, nudging it against her knuckles, tight on the table.
If it’s the girlfriend thing, don’t worry about it! My best friend Justin is gay and he’s dating one of my other friends who’s bi. I understand being scared, especially in Arizona, but most people around this area don’t care much. And even if this is the only conversation we have, you’re safe with me while we’re having it.
Iffy lowered her hand and her breath steadied. She smiled. “Thanks, Nate.”
Nate took the phone back and scrolled down, then pushed it back with a questioning tilt of his head. Iffy looked back down again. There were two more sentences she’d missed.
Although I hope we can have more conversations after this? You seem really cool.
Iffy smirked and chuckled. “It seems my plan to trick people into thinking I’m cool is working, then.”
Nate laughed. Iffy jumped at the sound -- she’d thought he had no voice at all -- but it was bright and happy and wonderful.
“Oh, and, uh, to wrap up the previous conversation,” Iffy said. “I’m bi. Just to make that clear.”
Nate grinned and gave her a thumbs up. She gave a hesitant one back.
“Iffy face! I’m home!”
Iffy was at her desk when the shout came through the apartment and the door in the front room crashed shut. She looked up from her homework toward the open door, but it was at such an angle that she couldn’t see the living room.
“Me too!” she called back.
Renee’s familiar, chubby face popped into the door from the side of the frame, her fingers curled around the edge, “Hello,” she said, drawling it out into three syllables instead of two. Her bright, fire engine red hair was falling out of her clip and into her eyes. She blew a strand away. It fell right back into place. “How was your first day at college?” she asked.
Iffy pushed her chair away from the desk with her feet and rolled over to the bed, patting the blankets and gesturing for Renee to come in and sit down.
“It was fine. I might have even made a friend like you told me to.”
Renee grinned. “Yeah? Who?” She skipped into the room and plopped down on the bed beside her friend, sprawling out over the sheets. Iffy peered out of the bedroom door again.
“Is Vi here?”
“Nah,” Renee said. “She has mosque tonight.”
“On a Monday?”
“They’re hosting some educational speakers or something for the next few weeks.”
Iffy hummed in acknowledgement and nodded. Renee gently slapped her knee and said, “So, tell me about this person you met! Are they cute?”
“Yes, but --” Iffy said it before she could stop herself. Renee’s eyes lit up and Iffy groaned. Renee was always trying to set her up on dates, apparently now even with people she’d never even met.
“Really?”
“But,” Iffy said, “that’s beside the point.”
“Aw,” Renee pouted.
“He started school here last year, but he’s been living here for two. He told me about some of the stuff to do around here, and he’s taking me to his friend’s coffee shop on Thursday. Apparently they’re the best in town.”
“Better than The Tree House?”
“I guess we’ll see,” Iffy chuckled.
“Does his friend own it?”
“No, I mean… he’s like, in management I think. Lead barista or something like that. I just meant the place he works. It’s just faster to say.”
“True.” Renee pursed her lips and nodded. “And what does he do? This guy?”
“His name’s Nate, by the way,” Iffy said. “So you have something to call him.”
“Excellent. I’ll begin the fanfics tonight.”
“Renee.” Iffy snorted a laugh.
Renee grinned and gently knuckled Iffy’s knee. “Anyway, seriously,” she said. “So tell me about this dude.”
“He’s in management at a record store. A little independent one in downtown Tempe. Nightshade Records, I think he called it?”
“Spooky.” Renee waggled her fingers at Iffy in poor imitation of a ghost. “So, day one of college and you’re already going on a date with a cute guy with a good job! Was not expecting that much from you. But you’ve always been an overachiever.”
“It’s not --” Iffy huffed.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
Renee sighed over-dramatically and rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “For the record, I think you should go out on dates a little more often. Just because you go on a date doesn’t mean you have to get married.”
“I think for now I’ll just stick with hanging out with friends,” Iffy said.
Renee grinned. “As long as that includes me, I guess that’s pretty cool, too.”
“Of course it includes you, you big dork,” Iffy laughed. She nudged her knee against Renee’s leg, hanging off the bed. “Come on, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten lunch yet. Let’s go see what’s in the kitchen.”
Nate practically danced through the door when he got home. His roommate and best friend, Justin, stood in the kitchen, sipping on a mug of coffee and leaning against the granite counter. He looked up at the sound of the door closing and smiled tiredly when he saw Nate.
“Hey, man.” He looked the taller man up and down. He raised a thick, brown eyebrow and said, “Good day or what?”
"Excellent day," Nate signed.
Justin put down the coffee so he could sign along with his speech. He knew Nate didn’t need it, but he felt it was a sign of respect for his friend.
“What’s up?”
"I met someone really cool!"
“Like, ‘Let’s be bffs’ cool or ‘I wanna date you’ cool?”
"Both?" Nate signed. He chuckled. "But don’t worry, I’m not going to replace you."
“I wasn’t,” Justin laughed. “You’re good. What’s she like? I assume she if it’s someone you’d want to date?”
"You assume right," Nate signed. He paused and leaned against the opposite wall, then stood straight again so he could get better movement in his arms. "She’s short, Black, long black hair, amazing golden brown eyes. Kind of angular and… pointy, I guess? She was lost and I helped her find where she was going and we met after class so I could tell her about stuff to do. Turns out she’s not just adorable, she’s an adorable nerd. I’m bringing her to your place on Thursday. Do you work then?"
Justin took a sip of his coffee and gave Nate a thumbs up and a half nod.
"Awesome." Nate grinned. "That’ll be even better."
The next day, Iffy’s classes started an hour later, but she was up at the same time. She turned her phone alarm off and frowned. She’d forgotten to reset it for Tuesdays and Thursdays. She’d have to remember to do it once she was properly awake. The hems of her too-long yoga pants bunched up under her feet when she shuffled out of her room, and the old basketball jersey Renee had never given back to her ex-boyfriend served as a great pajama top. It was much too big for someone so tiny, but it was comfortable, and Renee probably wouldn’t even notice if she accidentally flashed some chest through the sleeve. She pulled her nighttime hair scarf off and draped it over a chair as she made her way into the kitchen.
She had to pull that chair in to get to the top shelf where the coffee was.
“Damn, Renee, rude, putting something I need so early so high up,” she mumbled. Its new place would be right next to the coffee maker.
The coffee tin was too light. Iffy shook it. The rattle of coffee bean crumbs answered her. She popped off the lid, and, as she’d expected, it was nearly empty. Nowhere near enough to make even a single cup, much less a pot.
She sighed and rubbed her eyes, climbing down from the chair and throwing the coffee can in the garbage. She pushed the chair haphazardly back into the dining room, leaving it against the wall.
“Coffee shops, coffee shops,” she muttered to herself. The Tree House was in the opposite direction of her school. Even being up early, she wouldn’t have time to bus there and back. There was coffee in the student union. The cup she’d gotten yesterday wasn’t bad.
“I’ll go there early,” she said under her breath, and went back to the bedroom to get ready.
First things were always first, though: she had to take care of her hair. If it was just curly and coily like Ms. Baker’s, it wouldn’t be so bad, and maybe she’d even go natural. But it was curly and coily and frizzy, and on her worst days -- today of which seemed to be one, she thought, upon looking in the mirror -- it almost stuck straight out at the sides. Her cousin Genni had the same hair, and had the facial features to rock it. Iffy, however, felt she did not, so she straightened her hair as often as she could while still keeping its health intact. Instructors and students tended to take her more seriously when it fell straight. People were also less likely to try to touch it, and with the exception of very close friends and family, Iffy despised being touched.
She stuck her head in the sink and gave it a quick shampoo, then combed the straightening cream through. After she got dressed, she plopped down at her computer and logged into her IM to kill some time while she waited for it to dry.
The twins were both online. She sent the same message to both of them.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: Hey guys, group chat?
UGotPorn has joined your chat.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: Hey, GerBear!
UGotPorn: Yo! Hey, friend, how are you?
SexyEwok22 has joined your chat.
UGotPorn: And here comes D, whoo!
SexyEwok22: *bows* thank you thank you
SexyEwok22: so what are you up to, iffy?
SexyEwok22: were just sitting across the room from each other playing WoW
UGotPorn: As usual.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: Not much! Just waiting for my hair to dry and straighten.
UGotPorn: Iffy, you gotta go for locs. They’re the best, for real. There’s some maintenance but it’s nothing like the crap you have to go through right now.
SexyEwok22: no girl rock the afro like god intended!
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: You guys, I’m a teacher. I know it’s just classes at the community center but they expect me to look a certain way.
UGotPorn: You mean code for “not Black,” right? Gross.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: I know, but other than that I really like it, and it pays well. I’ve been straightening my hair since middle school anyway.
SexyEwok22: you thought about getting it professionally done, then? save you some time
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: With chemical straighteners? Fuck that, I’m not putting formaldehyde in my hair.
Bobette-The_Lizard_Queen: The daily creams take longer but at least it doesn’t cause breakage.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: But we’ve had versions of this talk over and over, let’s just not do this right now, okay? Renee made the last of the coffee and didn’t replace it so I haven’t had any caffeine yet.
UGotPorn: What! What a jerk.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: Yeah. I’m going to pick up a cup at school. Maybe two. Or three.
UGotPorn: Just get eight shots and have it all in one go!
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: Don’t tempt me. I’ll do it.
Iffy gently ran her fingers over her hair to test it. Still a little damp, but just barely. She’d be okay to brush it and go outside.
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: Speaking of which, my hair’s mostly dry, so I’m out. Coffee time for me! Thank god.
UGotPorn: Godspeed, my friend!
SexyEwok22: don’t get too much and make yourself sick ok
Bobette_the_Lizard_Queen: I’ll be fine, D. Thanks, though.
She logged off and put her computer to sleep, then grabbed her backpack and her brush so she could finish her hair while she was waiting for the bus, double-checked that she had the right books, and went out the door.