Work Text:
Have you ever met somebody you could love forever?
* * *
Six years. I hadn't seen her in six years. I had forgotten about her, until that day.
Middle school had not been a happy time for me. So I was honestly relieved that I'd be going to a different high school from everyone else. High school would be a fresh start. No one would know about me, or my sins, and I could just become a normal girl like everyone else. I didn't need Yohane any longer, I thought, as if it was that easy to drop. Then I heard her say my name.
"Yoshiko-chan?"
Kunikida Hanamaru. Zuramaru. There she was, and it was like everything came back to me all at once. My heart started beating out of control, and I ran. I panicked. I was scared, or so I thought. Even here my past followed me. I cursed my rotten luck. So when I messed up my introduction, it was almost a relief to stay at home. I was convinced I would never be free.
Not that I could stay away forever. I had to go back, as much as I was dreading it. Everyone in class had to think I was a total weirdo, after what I'd said. I chickened out before getting into the classroom, but then she found me. In a way it was a relief that it was her, and no one else. She was able to calm my fears. Convinced me that no one was laughing at me, that it was safe to go back.
And it hit me how beautiful she had become. The thought lodged itself into the back of my mind, and refused to leave. Well before I understood why I was feeling that way.
Thanks to her, I became a school idol. I don't think I could have done it without her there. The warmth I felt close to her kept growing.
I kept thinking about how she was sometimes kind, sometimes impish, sometimes warm, sometimes savage, and how her smile could light up the world. I realised how much comfort I took in her presence. I came to understand what I was feeling. I made up my mind that I had to do something about it.
* * *
The first time I saw her, I thought she looked so weak. So pathetic. Hiding behind others.
I didn't like people. Never did. Was convinced they didn't like me either. I never talked to anyone in my class. All I needed was my big sister. Saint Snow was all that mattered.
When Aqours completely flunked out of their performance, I thought all my assumptions had been proven correct. They were not worthy. Not noteworthy. My sister and I would reach the stars so hopelessly beyond those losers.
That they were present when I messed up the prelims made it feel all the more bitter. I had forgotten about them until they showed up in the dressing room. I wanted to blame my failure on them disturbing my focus. Even though I knew it wasn't true.
Kurosawa Ruby. When she suddenly showed up in my room, I had my outlet to direct my anger at someone besides myself. I tried to drive them... drive her... away.
Then it turned out she was the only one who understood me. Her mind was in the same place as mine. She took my hand, and showed me light where before there had been only darkness. We made a promise.
I thought I didn't like people. She made me consider that maybe not all people were bad. Maybe there could be more to my life than just my sister and our group. A lot of new and unfamiliar feelings assailed me.
She wasn't weak at all. She was the strongest person I had ever met, besides my sister. She gave me hope, and more besides. I thought about what I wanted to do about it, as my heart would never calm down whenever she was near.
* * *
And then I saw...
* * *
And then I noticed...
* * *
The way they sat just a little closer than necessary.
How their fingers so gently entwined.
The way they smiled at each other.
How their eyes lit up differently than when looking at anyone else.
The way they would whisper so tenderly.
How casually and comfortably they fit together.
* * *
Only to find that they're with somebody better?
* * *
I recognised the way she looked at her...
* * *
... because it was the same as how I did.
* * *
Kunikida Hanamaru...
* * *
... and Kurosawa Ruby...
* * *
... were in love.
* * *
And I...
* * *
I was...
* * *
Without hope.
* * *
Kazuno Leah. My behaviour brushed off of her so effortlessly that I didn't know how to approach her. She gave no indication that my status as a fallen angel moved her in the least, and the lack of any sort of reaction was hard to build upon. So I could have just let her be. It wasn't like I needed to be friendly with everyone we came across. But I had seen that look in her eyes before. Many, many times in the mirror.
I wanted to reach out, let her know she wasn't alone. That I knew what she was going through. I'm not sure if I had any sort of plan beyond that. Perhaps a vague hope that maybe misery shared was misery halved. That she wouldn't have to go through it alone like I had. I hadn't told anyone about this, so perhaps I just wanted someone who would understand.
So one day I just went for it with all the awkwardness I could muster.
"So... er..." I said, with an impressive amount of confidence. Impressively low, that is.
"Hm?" She looked at me.
"Er... you and Ruby?" It wasn't even really a proper question, but after a moment I could see understanding dawning on her.
"Yeah..." She glanced towards where the two of them had just gone. "You and Hanamaru?"
"Yeah..." Considering I had brought it up, it wasn't like I could deny it.
"That sucks."
"It really does."
"Does it ever get...?"
"Not really..."
She fell silent for a moment, just gazing towards where they had been. Then...
* * *
"Hey. Wanna go somewhere?"
I'm not sure why I decided to ask her that.
Tsushima Yoshiko. The weirdest of Ruby's friends. Yet she had approached me, and with just a few words let me know we were in the same boat. It was like I could read it in her eyes more than in her voice. She had gone through exactly what I was going through. How ironic was that? I had developed feelings for Ruby because she understood me, and now it turned out this weirdo understood that part of me perfectly.
Perhaps I just wanted to surrender myself to that common understanding. I was probably not thinking clearly.
Maybe she wasn't either. "Sure," she answered after a moment's pause.
While it was risky, we didn't really have anywhere to go except my room. I really wasn't thinking clearly. As soon as the door was closed, I threw myself at her. I just wanted to forget about everything outside of the room. I figured she was my only chance of that. Pushed her onto my bed, and kissed her hard. My first kiss, spent in such a way. I was the one who was truly pathetic.
* * *
My first kiss was rough and desperate, and very salty. I wasn't sure what she might do to me for a second there, but then she just collapsed on top of me. Shaking with silent sobs. Whatever had been keeping her together had run out.
Not knowing what else to do, I just put my arms around her. She was so small, even smaller than Ruby. In that moment she seemed terribly fragile. Had I truly had my wings, I would have wrapped them around her to shelter her.
I couldn't help thinking that my luck really was the worst. My first time connecting intimately with another girl, and it was over mutual heartbreak. I thought I had already shed all my tears over Zuramaru, but I still managed to find some to share with Leah.
At least we weren't alone any longer.