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He was still standing in that forest where that mad man took everything from him, he would probably stand in the middle of New York still looking for Tony if he had that chance too. All that was left of the Avengers, of the people of the world stood in shock, no one said a thing. Every once and a while he would look over and wonder what else could have gone wrong in his life. If he could change something it probably would have started four years ago, when he found out about Hydra. Telling Tony the truth so that they were together when all of this had happened, not living through that god awful fight in Siberia, keeping the team together, being Captain America. He doesn’t blame himself for everything, but he also blames himself for a lot of things.
“You know,” Natasha’s voice croaked as she sat down on a log next to him. “James borrowed my gun, and I had told him that when this was all over he could give it back.”
Hearing her call Bucky by his first name startled him for a moment, he wasn’t sure what to think of it all. He hadn’t called him by his first name in so long, he had always been Bucky, his best friend, the guy who made sure he hadn’t died back in the 30’s, who always tried to socialize him but it never worked because he had been the little guy from Brooklyn.
“I met him,” she continued. “More than once before the whole incident in Washington, I’ve only ever mentioned that one incident because I was never sure how you would handle the fact that I’ve known about him for so long.”
“How,” was all Steve said.
“I’ll tell you the story one day,” she said to him. “The same day you tell me about what happened in Siberia, and why you grew a beard after that day, and I know it has nothing to do with staying under the radar because I’m sure that you could have done the same with a moustache.”
Steve let out a laugh, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to admit anything to the spy, she had been his friend for so long but he also knew that she had also been Tony’s closest friend as well. He remembered those first few weeks after they had all moved into Avengers tower, when Tony and Nat used to talk about anything and everything. Steve had been a little jealous, because he had felt like a man out of time, but mostly because Tony and Nat could sit around and talk about nothing and everything at the same time. At first, he thought that Tony had been dating Nat, but it hadn’t been right because he had been sure that Tony was still with Ms. Potts. He later found out that Tony’s relationship had ended and Nat had been trying to comfort the man by being his friend. It was strange somedays because the two of them would watch romantic comedies, while Nat painted Tony’s toes in order to try out new nail polish colors. Tony would then paint her nails, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“I’ll tell you, maybe after we leave Wakanda,” he said pulling himself out of the memories floating in his head. Tony was lost, apparently so was Spiderman if the reports of the guy had been true and he had been on that ship. There was no way of knowing who else perished without having to track them all down.
“And where should we go?”
“Well I doubt we’re fugitives anymore,” he said before moving towards the field where the bulk of the fighting had taken place the day before where the bodies of the monsters still liter the area. They had buried their friends, any fighter that had died had gotten a hero’s burial, those who turned to ash were left where they had perished because they didn’t know what to do. “I think it’s time we go home for good this time.”
“Do you think they’ll follow?” she asked him as they walked towards the palace.
“I don’t know but in the end, it’s better to keep moving forward than staying in the past,” he said knowing that it was the past that had constantly followed him, but he was going to follow’s Tony’s way of thinking and only think of the future.
Steve said a silent goodbye to his friends as he reached the palace walls, Shuri had been working non-stop since her brother died, since the moment she failed to separate Vision from the stone, since half the kingdom vanished in front of her eyes. Steve felt horrible for what had happened because she was still so young and she witnessed something so horrible. She was the queen and yet she couldn’t take up the mantle because two years before the flower needed to activate the power had been obliterated. So, she worked in the same way he had seen Tony work, where the sole focus was to make sure that everyone would be safe.
“What now?” Colonel Rhodes said as they stood in the room overlooking Shuri’s lab.
“We go back to New York, we find a way to fix all of this, we find a way to get to Thanos,” Steve said to the room. Thor stood next to his friend who he called rabbit even though he was a raccoon.
“If you need me I will scour the universe for Thanos,” Thor said his axe in his hand gripping onto the handle.
“No Thor,” Steve said to his longtime friend. “We need to regroup and plan, Thanos can’t be close and without proper plans we won’t get very far.”
Thor nodded at him, “We have lost a great deal since this had started all of those years ago, but we will gain more the moment we have had our chance at recovering.”
“There’s no telling how long that will take,” Natasha said before looking out to see Shuri scramble around in her lab.
For some reason the girl’s non-stop work reminded Steve of Tony, of the hours in the workshop tinkering at something. There had been days when Steve had to all but drag the genius out of the room and force him to sit with other people instead of his robots.
“We’re taking Shuri with us,” he said knowing that a change of scenery might help her enough to focus on a single task.
It had taken them four days to get ready for the trip across the world, one day alone just to force Shuri out of her lab and make her promise that she would go with them. They all wanted revenge in some form or another, but it wouldn’t help if they died from exhaustion or hunger. They packed up everything they could Okoye vowing to stick with the princess, while they took everything they could. Shuri had begun working on Vision, trying to find a way to revive the android even though it still seemed impossible. For some reason she believed that Vision was the key to finding Thanos even without the stone set on his forehead.
They had loaded up two Wakandan planes, one with supplies for Shuri to continue working on Vision and anything else she wanted to work on, the other with the remaining Avengers and security for the princess. The city had been sealed from the world once again, no one was getting inside for the time being, the Queen had stayed behind with M’Baku to work on gathering the remaining tribes and putting an army together in case they needed to fight again.
“We should raise some kind of alarm,” Steve said as the plane flew over the Atlantic making its way to the New York facility. “We need to prepare for a bigger threat.”
“How are we going to do that, we’re not even sure who survived,” Natasha said as she opened a bottle of water. “The news reports the last week alone had stated that it seems as if half the world’s population has been decimated and there’s no way of knowing who lived and who died.”
He wanted to pull his hair out he needed them to do something. “It doesn’t matter, all that matters is that whoever is willing to fight with us is prepared to do so.”
“Steve,” she said putting her hand over his. “This isn’t going to bring him back, it’s not going to bring any of them back.”
Steve looked out the window before turning his gaze back to Natasha. “I saw Bucky die in front of me, but that’s not what hurts the most, what hurts is that I’m not even sure if Tony’s alive. He’s so stupid going up against that ship on his own Nat,” he could feel the tightening in his chest, the tears he had been trying to keep back for days. “Why didn’t he call me,” he whispered the words that had been on his mind for two years. The fear of losing those he cared about especially after losing his whole life from before he went into the ice. He had lost so much and it hurt just to think about the fact that he couldn’t do anything about any of it.
Natasha stayed silent as she watched him breakdown in front of her, everyone else on the plane was asleep, no one had heard their conversation, the silence felt like it was pushing him down. Tony would have said something stupid, he would have talked about anything and everything just to keep the room from being too quiet. Now all there was, was the silence and it hurt more than anything he could have imagined.
“We fought,” he said to Natasha after what felt like an eternity. “In Siberia, he found out the truth about his parents’ deaths and that Bucky had been the one to carry it out, and we fought each other.”
“The nightmares you have, the ones you wake up screaming from,” she said and all he could do was nod at her.
“They’re about that day,” he said out loud for the first time in two years. “We went after him as much as he went after us, I was just trying to stop him from going after Buck, but after he blew off Bucky’s arm I sort of lost my mind.”
“Steve, he was grieving,” she said to him before forcing him to look directly into her eyes. “You should have told him, but in the end, you kept that from him and it turned into whatever this was.”
“That’s the thing Nat,” he said interrupting her. “Tony would have found a way to get over it all, but I almost killed him, I shoved the shield into his helmet until it was completely off, and there was a moment where I could have put it right through his neck, and instead I used it on the reactor of his suit.”
“You kill him in the dreams don’t you,” it was a statement not a question and all he could do is nod. “The guilt you feel, the reason for the beard, for what you look like now is because you’re trying to find a way to justify your exile.”
“Think about how much we took from him, how much I took from him, or how much Bucky took,” he sighed before running his hand through his hair. “I yelled at him for Ultron for keeping secrets and I was no better than he was.”
“And if you could see him again do you think that you could apologize?”
“If I had the chance I would probably do more than apologize, but I don’t have that luxury, do I?”
“No but you do have one thing,” she said to him as she took his hand. “You have the knowledge that he was as torn about the whole thing as you were.”
“How would I know that?”
“Because Bruce had been with him when the attack on New York happened, which means that Tony had been carrying the phone with him the whole time. He just couldn’t find the right words to tell you.”
“All he had to ask was for me to come home,” Steve said out loud for his own benefit, because home was where Tony was, where the Avengers were, where they were all together smiling and talking. Sunday dinners, movie nights, late night conversations, those were the things that Tony had given not just him but all of them.
When they had landed at the Avengers facility in New York, the group was greeted with someone they wouldn’t have expected. Everett Ross was standing at the doors of the compound, Sharon Carter next to him their faces solemn as they all disembarked. Steve was afraid that they were there to arrest them for coming back a second time.
“Secretary Ross is dead,” Sharon said as they walked towards them. “The accords council has pardoned all of you, and they want everyone ready for an attack.”
The group looked at her, they didn’t know how to react to anything at all anymore.
“There’s a lot to cover and I’m sure you’re all exhausted from the flight,” Ross said to all of them.
“How did you know we were coming here?” Steve asked the moment they were inside of the building.
“We got a heads up from Wakanda,” Ross said before looking over at Shuri who smiled for the first time since the battle had taken her brother. “Listen we don’t care about what happened two years ago, all the matters right now is figuring out what happened and how to fix it all.”
“What happened was Thanos came to Earth in search of the infinity stones, and when he finally had them all in his hands he used the gauntlet in his possession to rid the universe of half of its population,” Thor said walking forward. “I am uncertain of what has transpired here in my absence and while the good Captain has tried to tell me I do not care, all that matters is retrieving the stones and setting right what Thanos has done.”
“And how do you expect to do that?” Ross said looking at all of them. “Where are these stones?”
“Thanos has them in his possession,” Thor said out loud looking at the remaining team. “They are imbedded in his hand and the only way to take them away from him now is to do so together.”
Steve walked into the Avengers facility, there was so much that had changed in the time since he had been there, the short trip to the facility before they had left for Wakanda hadn’t given him the time to look around. He ignored everyone talking, they could sort this out on their own, he walked through the building with one end goal in mind. Tony’s workshop.
Once he saw the familiar group of robots, the stillness of the room bothered him, it wasn’t the same. DUM-E and U both left their charging stations and moved towards him, FRIDAY turned on the lights, a muted glow all around him, with one light shining on his shield. He hadn’t touched it in such a long time, but it was there waiting for him.
“Boss wanted to give it back to you,” FRIDAY said to him as he ran his fingers over the familiar rounded edges. “He made prototypes for you, but in the end, this is the one that mattered the most.”
It was in that moment when the weight of the world landed on his shoulders, and all of sudden he couldn’t breathe anymore. Like when he had been growing up, before the serum, before Captain America, when it had just been this boy from Brooklyn. The air was leaving his lungs but nothing was coming back in, he needed Tony to be there for him, he needed his family to be whole, because as much as he griped about being a man out of time, he had found a home with a group of wayward heroes.
“Come on Steve, you need to breathe,” someone said rubbing his back, he wasn’t sure who it was because all he could feel was the sense of loss and hopelessness, as it reached into his body and squeezed his lungs.
“Bruce,” the voice called out as Steve’s vision blurred in front of him. The shield resting on the table staring back at him, reminding him of everything he had lost, given up, and hoped to gain again. He hadn’t felt the needle piercing his skin before the darkness took over and he passed out on the cold hard floor inside of Tony’s workshop.
When he came to, Natasha was sitting on one of the chairs next to his bed, he was in the med bay on the other side of the facility, doctors milling around while he laid on the bed as if this were a normal occurrence.
“You had a panic attack,” Natasha said to him, carefully watching his movements. “Tony had them, but usually we could bring him back from one easy, for some reason you weren’t coming back from that one.”
“We lost so much,” he whispered his throat hurt as if he had been screaming, but he couldn’t figure out if he had.
“I guess it’s story time,” she said before turning her chair to face him fully. “I met James while I was in the Red Room, he was one of my instructors, and honestly there was something more there. Though at the time love was an emotion I couldn’t afford, and while I knew the end of the red room was that surgery I almost left with him.”
She sighed and looked around the room for a moment, Natasha wasn’t one to show any kind of emotion, it wasn’t in her nature, but at that moment there was something she was holding back on, something that hurt her more than anything Steve could have imagined.
“I was forced to have the surgery weeks before I was finished with my training, they had found out that James and I had a relationship, I found out years later that he had ended up back in the ice, and well there was the time he had shot me,” she met his eyes and he could see an emotion there that he had never seen before, a sadness that he had missed in the eight years they had known each other. “We all lose things, but Steve you have to remember if there is even a small chance that Tony survived all of this, it means that you have a second chance to make it all up to him. I may not get my chance but you have yours.”
She didn’t look at him again before getting up and walking out of the room, leaving Steve alone with his thoughts. He hadn’t been the only one who had lost everything on that battlefield, but he was the one who needed to find a way to fix it all. He needed his family whole.
Before he could gather his thoughts, the Avengers Assemble alarm began to ring throughout the building, Steve stood up and rushed out the room catching up to Natasha who had been in the hallway waiting for him to move.
“FRIDAY,” Natasha yelled out as the two of them began to move towards the briefing room.
“There’s an unknown spaceship headed towards Earth,” FRIDAY said to them as they rounded the corner. “They’re sending a signal through one of Sir’s satellites but I cannot determine if they’re friendly or not.”
Steve looked over at Natasha as they rounded the corner, the other Avengers stood in the room, the survivors of the fight, what was left of his family.
“The ship seems to be headed towards the facility,” FRIDAY said before pulling up a hologram of the ship’s trajectory.
“Everybody suit up,” he said without a second thought. There was no way he was going to allow a second attack to happen while they were vulnerable. “Comms on.”
They all rushed towards their weapons, they all stood stock still when they realized that everything was still in the same place, Tony had kept everything stocked and ready for them. He had been waiting for them to come home even if they didn’t speak to one another.
“Move it,” he said before grabbing the shield gauntlets that T’Challa had given to him and rushing out of the room.
Everyone followed suit and soon they were standing on the lawn of the Avengers facility waiting for another attack. A large ship entered the atmosphere slowly making its way towards them, no one moved, they weren’t going to rush ahead, they needed to see the ship and be ready for an attack.
“Hey that’s my ship,” Rocket said from behind Thor as the ship slowly descended on them. “There’s only a few who could fly that thing all the way here.”
The ship landed in front of them, a few minutes later the back hatch opened and a group of people descended. Thor’s face lighting up as he saw the people who had walked out, he rushed forward towards the people, stopping at a young woman and pulling her into a hug. Steve hadn’t noticed when Bruce had also moved towards the woman before Thor had pulled them into a hug. Thor looked happy as another woman walked towards him, the god of thunder cried out and hugged her too.
Steve was glad that at least Thor was getting something from this, but Rocket stiffened next to him when he saw two men walking out, followed by a little girl and another walking tree, the racoon rushed forward talking hurriedly at the group before breaking down into tears.
That’s when he saw him, Steve could swear his knees would have buckled under him if it weren’t for the fact that he had to get to Tony. The man looked smaller than he remembered, the journey must have taken a lot out of him, just like the battle had taken a lot from those who survived on Earth. Steve reached out for a moment, almost afraid that Tony wouldn’t take his hand, but the man pulled him into a hug before crying into his arms.
For a moment he didn’t know what to do, what to say, all he could do was hold on, because this was the only good thing that he had and he wasn’t going to let it go.