Work Text:
Montague created the group chat
Montague named the group chat The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Flint: wtf
Warrington: why do you always name things after those stupid comics you like reading
Warrington: no one thinks they’re cool
Warrington: you’re lowering our street cred
Bletchley: neither of you have any street cred to start with
Flint: smh
Montague: look this is IMPORTANT
Montague: we are here to discuss the plague that has befallen our team, the distraction keeping us from glorious victory
Higgs: oh my god someone stop him
Bletchley: please tell me ‘glorious victory’ is like - quidditch related
Montague: of COURSE it is you idiot, what else would it be?
Warrington: idk those roleplayer games you like seem to use a lot of ~befallen~ and ~plagues~ and ~glorious victories~
Montague: shut your mouth Cassie
Montague: anyways
Montague: i’m talking about the crushes, fam
Montague: all your crushes
Montague: every single teeny one of them
Flint has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Montague: fuck he’s the worst one. @Higgs, add him back, would you?
Higgs: I mean, if you want a black eye that badly, sure
Higgs added Flint to The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Flint: im putting itching powder in all your pants. All of them. Every single fucking one.
Bletchley: oooooh punctuation
Bletchley: anyways, idk why i’m here
Warrington: does your drunken rambling about Alicia Spinnet’s smile bring to mind anything??
Higgs: yeah if we had to sit through that, you deserve to be in this hell chat
Flint: yeet
Higgs: that’s not how you use yeet
Flint: fuck u
Flint: wait i thought Spinnet’s a lesbian
Montague: she is
Montague: wait how did you know that
Flint: ….
Flint: how did you know that?
Montague: she’s my potions partner for the year, duh
Warrington: @Flint …… hmmm …...interesting
Bletchley: THATS NOT A CRUSH FUCK U
Bletchley: and if she’s a lesbian I mean whateverrrrrr
Bletchley: got a lot of other ladies lined up, yknow what i mean ;) ;)
Higgs: can i puke on your shoes, yknow what i mean ;) ;)
Montague: ANYWAYS
Montague: I think we should tackle this from bottom up, yknow, like easiest case to worst
Montague: wouldn’t you agree, Warrington?
Warrington: why do we only ever call each other by our last names in this goddamn house
Bletchley: I thought that was your rule
Flint: Cassie
Warrington: im proud of my goddamn name meet me in the wal-mart parking lot
Higgs: you don’t even know what a wal-mart is, stop ripping off muggle memes
Higgs: this goes for you too @Flint
Warrington: wait but sidenote, idk why i’m here
Montague: oh yea, you’re only here bc i need backup :)
Flint: lmao sureee
Montague started a private chat
Montague: DONT U DARE
Flint: hey if ur calling me out on crushes, i dont see why i cant do it to u
Montague: ill tell him when im ready
Flint: uh-huh
Montague entered The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Montague: anyways, FELLAS
Montague: we’re getting off track - MILES, since Spinnet’s definitely not interested, u should go chase skirt elsewhere but preferably NOT a gryffindor so that we don’t lose any of our game tactics out of your blabbermouth, i’ve already had to do a lot of damage control on some of Marcus’ latest plays (top notch ones may i add!! That new chaser formation is going to knock our competition down hell yeah) but yeah, Bletchley, you’re jeopardizing our whole team here
Higgs: oh god, stop kissing ass Montague
Flint: no, please continue
Bletchley: @Warrington thats a lot of words, gimme a tl;dr
Warrington: you can be a manwhore, just not with the gryffs
Bletchley: suddenly I can’t read
Montague: moving on
Montague: Higgs - this isn’t you per se, but
Higgs: Sigh it’s about Pucey, isn’t it
Montague: poor kid keeps mooning over you and won’t focus during practice
Montague: we miss you on the team fam, but you’re a distraction
Higgs: its not my fault my ass won’t quit
Flint: ohhhh mmyyyyy gooooodddd
Warrington: ohhhh myyyyyyyy goooooooodddd
Bletchley: ohhhh myyyy gooooood
Higgs: y’all know its the truth
Higgs: im still coming to practice fuck u
Higgs: especially u Marcus
Flint: lol srry ://
Montague: ok but you gotta handle things with Pucey man, every time you say hi he turns into mush
Higgs: fine fine
Higgs: if he gets all puppy-dog-eyes tomorrow, this is on all of you
Higgs started a private chat
Higgs: hey Ade
Pucey: hi!!
Pucey: hey thanks for the potions help yesterday, i think i’m starting to understand it
Higgs: yeah? That’s good that’s good!
Higgs: er alright, im going to have to clear the air
Higgs: i know you have a crush on me
Pucey: oh..
Pucey: um im sorry ..?
Higgs: nah its chill, ik i’m pretty
Higgs: but you’re a little too young for me, u feel - like there’s four years between us and that’s not okay
Pucey:...yeah, i know
Higgs: i’m cool with being bros bc you’re a sweet kid, but you gotta focus during practice ok?
Higgs: the teams counting on you
Pucey: they are?
Higgs: yea ur a good chaser
Higgs: Flint has a soft spot for u, yknow
Pucey: oh sick
Higgs: really sorry to do this but it’ll probably be better in the long run if you get over this crush
Pucey: yea you’re right...i guess i can start working on that. thanks for talking to me
Pucey: and thanks for being chill and cool about this
Higgs: obviously, i’m super chill all the time
Pucey: LMAO sureee
Higgs entered The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Higgs: it’s handled @Montague
Flint: everyone better fucking go easy on him tomorrow, u hear me
Flint: no jokes, no comments, no teasing
Bletchley: ok Mom
Montague: fine Mom
Warrington: sure Mom
Flint: Salazar fucking Slytherin I hate all of you
Montague: well now its your turn :D the grand finale :D the worst of the worst :D of FUCKING PINING ASS CRUSHES
Flint: what about me
Warrington: ahem
Higgs : ahem
Bletchley: yeah if you all were riding my ass about spilling game secrets, isn’t Flint worse??
Flint: excuse me? My lips are fucking sealed
Flint: quidditch is not a fucking joke
Flint: do i have to give the lecture again????
Higgs: sure, i could use a nap
Montague: look, Flint, good ol captain, we respect you loads
Bletchley: ha, speak for yourself
Montague: but you’re not fooling anyone when you talk about the gryffs, like - we all know why you’re obsessed with beating them and it’s not pretty. Let’s take a moment to admit it, shall we?
Flint: admit what
Montague: you’re fully aware of what we’re talking about
Warrington : oh my god, your giant ass crush on Oliver Wood, admit that, please for the love of all that is holy
Flint: that’s completely absurd.
Flint: i feel nothing for Wood except for intense, burning rage.
Higgs: and yet somehow that translates over into a boner
Higgs: yknow i used to think it was just a quidditch boner but no
Higgs: its an emotional boner
Bletchley: a heart boner, if u will
Flint: disgusting, all of you
Warrington: okay rationally speaking, it’ll probably be healthier for you to just admit it and get it out in the open, like...all that pent up rage probably isn’t good for you
Warrington: and it’ll help your game
Higgs: a little birdy told me Wood might be interested
Higgs: well, they told me Wood is about as straight as a wet noodle so
Bletchley: Flint, we caught u getting all googly-eyed at him on Valentines, srsly, it’s veering on pathetic
Warrington: could u at least admit to us and stop being so moody when he doesn’t look at u when we switch off the pitch with the gryffs. Please. We’re begging you
Montague: it’s jeopardizing!! Our potential at the cup!!! FLINT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED WINNING
Bletchley: ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT!! ADMIT!! IT!!
Flint started a private chat
Flint: the boys got me cornered what do i say
Wood: ??
Flint: montague made this stupid ass group chat about all our crushes
Flint: as if I would have something as silly as a crush
Wood: ur pining ass had a crush on me for a whole year
Wood: it was very amusing, i have to say
Flint: that’s rude and besides the point
Flint: also i have never felt anything remotely embarrassing like that for you
Wood: ok honey
Flint: anyways. they’re trying to get me to “admit it” and “handle my emotions healthily” and it’s absurd
Flint: so what do i say
Flint: ...babe?
Wood: im flying cant text now xoxo
Flint: bITCH
Wood: :*
Flint entered The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Flint: 1) I have no feelings at all whatsoever in any context, so jot that down.
Flint: 2) if anyone should be admitting feelings here, it’s Montague, so jot that down.
Flint: 3) if you push this issue any further, i will make you all do laps until your asses bleed.
Flint: is. That. clear.
Higgs: he has the scary caterpillar eyebrows fam, it might be smart to save this for another day
Warrington: wait
Flint: .
Higgs: or not at all!! Hahaha lovely weather in the dungeons we’re having, aren’t we??
Warrington: waiiiiit
Montague: lets not wait
Warrington: can we backtrack to point numero dos?
Warrington: @Montague how come I don’t know about this?
Bletchley: lmao duh ofc he’s not gnna tell you he likes you
Higgs: ….
Flint: yikes lmao
Bletchley: o shit oops sorry monty
Warrington: wait what?
Montague has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Warrington added Montague to The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Warrington: explain.
Montague: Farewell, fair Verona, i am taking my leave forever and hiding and becoming a hermit for the rest of my goddamn sad tragic fucking life. Fuck you, @Flint, and fuck you especially, @Bletchley, and please, no one be bothered by the lack of sound coming from my bed from here on out, oh also please tell Urquhart that he can take my spot on the team!!
Montague has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 1)
Higgs: Cassius...
Warrington: dw, i’ll go take care of his silly dramatic ass
Flint started a private chat
Flint: crisis averted, no thanks to you, asshole
Wood: i heard u threw Montague under the bus
Flint: and it was glorious
Warrington started a private chat
Warrington: excuse me, i did not know you liked me?
Warrington: we are best friends? How could you not tell me?
Montague: what part of ‘I am going into hiding to become a hermit’ do you not understand?
Warrington: open your goddamn bed curtains, u silly thing
Montague started a private chat
Montague: i love you :)
Flint: i told u to just tell him
Montague created the group chat
Montague named the group chat The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2)
Pucey: wtf
Malfoy: um
Montague: hello young ones, how would you like to discuss your flaming crushes on Higgs and Potter, respectively?
Malfoy has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2)
Pucey has left The Crushes Saga (Vol. 2)
Montague: you’ll come round!!