Chapter Text
The Sum Of My Fears
by: Brandy
Character(s): Josh, Donna
Pairing(s): Josh/Donna
Category(s): Romance, Drama, Angst
Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: Not Mine. All West Wing characters belongs to Joshn Wells and the rest of the merry band.
Summary: Follows "Omens, Foreshadowing & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind" and "Up Against The Wall". A letter, a disturbing dream, an omen and toss of fate's dice all come together to devastate Josh and Donna's lives.
Author's Note:Endless thanks to Evelyn for all her help.
Feedback: Lovely and very much appreciated.
"His sister died in a fire while she was babysitting him. She tried to put it out, he ran outside. He went off campaigning, his father died. He wakes up in the hospital and discovers the President's been shot. He goes through every day worried that somebody he likes is going to die and it's going to be his fault. What do you think makes him walk so fast?"
Donna, talking about Josh in "Commencement".
Josh woke up breathless and terrified. His heart was racing and even though his body was covered with a film of perspiration, he felt deathly cold. He glanced next to him, to the side of the bed that Donna had begun to occupy over the last month. It was vacant. Forcing himself free of the remnants of the horrid nightmare, he remembered that she was at her place that night. She wasn't supposed to be there. She was in her own apartment. Safe in her own bed. He hoped. He glanced to the other side of the bed where his phone sat and he was filled with the overwhelming urge to call her... just to check- to make sure. He reached for the phone, but his hand stilled in mid-air. No. He couldn't call her. It was three-thirty in the morning, and if he called and she heard the way he knew he would sound right then, it would do nothing but worry her. He couldn't do that. No matter how badly he wanted to hear her voice- even groggy and grumpy from being roused out of the first good night's sleep either of them had gotten in over two weeks- he couldn't do it.
He wished, on the one hand, that she had decided to stay with him that night instead of going home. On the other hand, he was glad she wasn't there. She could never have slept through his nightmare, and it would have scared her. God knows, it had terrified him. The thing was, it wasn't like the old nightmares- the ones he rarely had anymore. This time it wasn't him being shot in Rosslyn. It wasn't sirens and screaming and frantic crowds. It wasn t about him- alone, sitting against a wall watching as his life's blood poured out of his chest at an alarming rate. This nightmare was horrifyingly worse. This was a collage of horrific images- all having one common conclusion. In each of the scenarios that had played out in his nightmare it had been Donna's fate- not his- which hung in the balance. In each instance he was forced to watch- helpless and powerless- as Donna died before his very eyes.
Getting up out of his bed, he walked through his apartment, flicking on lights as he walked from room to room. It was something he had done as a kid whenever he had nightmares. He supposed it was some left over remnant of a childhood belief that said that light could diminish the intensity of the nightmarish images. No matter how far he moved away from those childhood ghosts, the ritual remained the same. This night, though, the trick didn't seem to work. His mind's eye could still see those hellish images all too well.
He walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. It was an act of habit more than need. Whenever his nightly wanderings brought him into the kitchen he would open the refrigerator and just stare into it for a few minutes before closing it and trotting back to bed. Josh remembered one night when Donna had spent the night and had come into the kitchen during one of his 'fridge patrols' as she dubbed them. She looked with confused interest from him to the interior of the refrigerator, then back at Josh. Shaking her head, and in a mockingly serious tone, she said, "See, that's the trouble with these things- you've got to watch them every minute. They get up to all kinds of mischief in the middle of the night." They had shared a chuckle over that and then gone back to bed, cuddling and laughing over midnight 'snacks'.
With a heavy sigh, Josh closed the refrigerator door and sat down on one of the kitchen bar stools. With his head cradled in his arms, he glanced once more at the phone. God, he really wanted to call her. If he could hear her voice maybe it would banish the awful memory of that terrible nightmare. He glanced at the clock- three forty-nine. No. He wouldn't call. It wasn't fair These were his demons and she'd had to share them enough as it was. All he needed was some time to get used to the fact that he could have happiness in his life without some sword of Damocles hanging over it. That the fact that he and Donna had finally managed to find their way to each other was proof that life could be good and stay good. That the deck wasn't stacked against him... against them. The sun would come up in a couple of hours, burning away the paranoid fantasies of the night, and restoring logic and rationality to his mind. That's the way it was supposed to work- right?
Realizing he couldn't continue to avoid his bed any longer, Josh got up and made his way back down the hall to his bedroom, turning off lights as he did He was just about to his bedroom when the phone rang. He was about to reach for it when he heard Donna's voice come over the answering machine. He remembered then that she had set it up to pick up after the second ring when it was on.
"Josh- hey.. I just woke up and remembered that Leo changed Senior Staff to seven-thirty and I forgot to tell you. There was a change in his schedule at the last minute. I wanted to make sure you-"
"Donna- hey, I'm here." Josh said, picking up the phone and cutting off the machine.
"What are you doing awake at this hour? Is something wrong?" Donna asked, the previous grogginess in her voice giving way to concern.
"No... no. I'm up for the same reason you are. Just... nature calling. That kind of thing." Josh hedged, not liking the idea of lying to her, but liking less the idea of sharing his nightmares with her once again. Especially the latest one.
"Why don't I totally believe you?"
"Because you're a very suspicious woman. One would think that you work for the intelligence community rather than the White House."
"Mmm-Hmm... Nice attempt at a side-step maneuver, Josh- but you forget, I know you better than that."
"Well, your radar is malfunctioning tonight. Just your basic middle of the night wanderings here.Honestly. That and I miss you being in my bed. I've grown very accustomed to having you here."
On her end of the phone Donna couldn't help but smile. She loved the sweet and tender side of Josh. She loved that she could finally enjoy it and return the sentiment the way she had wanted to for so long. Regardless of that, she still had the feeling that something was bothering him.
"You know, I don't know whether to be flattered by that or feel taken for granted," she teased in reply.
"I would never be stupid enough to take having you in my life for granted. I can be dumb sometimes- but not that dumb."
Although he tried to sound light-hearted in his reply, Donna could almost hear the desperate quality in his voice. Something was defiantly going on. She was sure of it. She was also sure that Josh wasn't about to reveal it. At least not over the phone. If only she were there...
"I guess I'll have to take your word for that," she replied, and Josh had the feeling she was talking about more than his comment about not taking her for granted. He knew deep down that he could never really fool her. For all her teasing about how she was 'tuned to him', she actually really was. She got' him. She understood him in a way no one ever had. That didn't leave a lot of room for bullshit.
"I guess so. I'm fine- really. I just miss you," he admitted the last as at least partial concession to the truth. He missed her horribly. He would feel so much better if he could wrap her in the relative safety of his arms and keep her there.
"You'll see me sooner than you think. I miss you too."
"Go back to sleep, Donna.... I love you"
"I will if you will."
"Okay. See you soon."
"Yeah... I love you too."
With that Donna hung the phone up and glanced at the clock. Four a.m.. She really would have loved to go back to sleep, but she knew she couldn't now. Her mind was filled with concern for Josh. Something had caused the voices of doom and gloom in Josh's head to wake up. Maybe it was a delayed reaction to what had happened to Zoey. Maybe it was the reemergence of old ghosts from either a few or many years ago. She wasn't sure. The only thing that she was sure of was that she needed to get Josh to share this with her. It was different this time. The old barriers were gone. They needed to trust each other, and be able to rely on each other. Josh needed to let her know when he needed her, and not just rely on her well-honed ability to read him.
With a sigh, Donna threw the covers aside and went to her closet. With brisk efficiency she pulled out her wardrobe selections for the day, as well as a couple of items she stuck in an overnight bag. She would stay at Josh's house tonight and they would hash through whatever was going through his head. They would face and deal with it- no matter what it was. That's the way they worked best... together.
Donna was lucky enough to find a parking spot in almost the same vicinity of the block that Josh's apartment was on. Grabbing her overnight bag, the tray with the two large coffees and the bakery bag of muffins she had purchased fresh from the oven- not ten minutes ago- she kicked her car door closed, and made her way down the street to Josh's apartment. As she reached her destination, balancing everything on one arm, she let herself into his apartment with the key she'd had for some time. She took a moment to marvel at the odd path of her relationship with Josh. They had been inside each other's lives long before they'd ever been physically intimate. She supposed they had been emotionally intimate, on varying levels, from almost the first moment they met. That thought always made her smile. She supposed what they had is what some people meant when they said "soul mates"...
The man sat in his van, immersed in his own observation, but completely unobserved by the very few people passing by him on such an early, overcast morning. It was just after six in the morning and very few folks were out and about this early. Just a few joggers and the like. Except, of course, the subject of his interest. She was a frequent early morning sight. Sometimes she was leaving the brownstone, after a night spent there, to go about her morning routine. Sometimes she arrived in the morning, in much the same way she had this morning. There was a time when he had wondered about the nature of their relationship, but no more. He was quite sure exactly what the woman was to Josh Lyman now. All the better. The best lessons were taught when they involved not only a man's head, but his heart as well. The lesson he was about to teach would be very comprehensive indeed. It would be so easy too. They were beginning to relax their guard again- become careless and foolish. How many times in the last week had he sat there, completely unobserved... right under the nose of these elitist, sanctimonious snobs? He laughed- a bitter, silent laugh under his breath as he turned the metal object over and over between his fingers. Once Donna was inside the brownstone, he glanced down at the object and smiled. He ran his thumb in a kind of caress over the smooth metal of the cartridge. He felt the ridges where the letters had been carved with a pen-knife into the side of it. D.. O...N...N...A.
"This one's got your name on it, missy..."