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Catch Me (If You Can)
1) ANBU versus Uzumaki Kushina
She felt for the ANBU, she really did.
But they should have known better.
They should have known that Naruto loved his traps. He was considered to be the best up and coming trap-maker in the Uzumaki clan. Even Mito acknowledged his potential after he caught Minato in a prank when he was eight (that Minato had been distracted at the time by a new scroll Kushina had left lying around was irrelevant).
But no, they didn’t even seem to brief the newbies any more, and now Kushina had an ANBU member hanging upside down by his ankles just outside her temporary 3rd floor office. She sighed and watched the man drift in the wind. Setting her brush down, she stood up and made her way over the window and opened it. The breeze scattered some of the papers on her desk.
“Let me guess,” Kushina began in her most polite Uzumaki Clan Head voice when the masked man faced her in his twirl. “You were told that they would waive the usual 3 month probation period to join the Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushi Butai if you could successfully capture and hold one Uzumaki Naruto?”
The ANBU hopeful twisted in the wind and unwhirled backwards slowly. “How did you know?” Even muffled by the mask, the man sounded young.
“The same way I know that the reason why you haven’t freed yourself is because that rope has sealed your Chakra and temporarily paralyzed you from the neck down.” Kushina’s grin was feral. “It’s easy. I’m Uzumaki Naruto’s mother and I taught him that seal.”
“Ah.” The probationary black-ops member said wisely. “I take it this is more common than taichou told me?’
Kushina nodded. “You’re the second one this month, but at least you made it past the first layer of traps.”
The ANBU was silent as he spun away from her, arms limp, only to slowly spin back and sigh aloud. “And what, Uzumaki-sama, could I do for you in exchange for my freedom?”
Smart ANBU recruit. Full marks even. Normally it took them an hour or so to realize that, without her help, they were royally screwed. Nothing wrong with a shinobi being humble. Kushina raised a brow and crossed her arms. “Well, there is one thing you could for me…”
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“You can’t just use my ANBU to deliver bento around the village!” Minato huffed as he came in the door, his own empty bento box in hand. “They’re elite assassins and infiltrators, not delivery boys! Saru scared the instructors at the academy so badly when he dropped off Naruto’s, I have a petition to ban the ANBU from the building!”
“A petition?” Kushina parroted, stirring the pot of spicy miso soup as she prepared supper. “Seriously?”
“In my hands, Kushina! In my hands!” Minato waved the offending papers. “Academy students aren’t even supposed to know ANBU exist.” He sat down in a huff, and glared at the carefully worded document on the table in front of him and the various signatures on it.
Kushina bit back her laughter, barely keeping it contained. A grin filled her face. “Ah, Minato-chan. You are such a dork.” She said, stepping away from the stove to kiss him on the cheek, “Next time, I’ll instruct my minion for the day to not be seen or heard.”
The goofy expression her husband always got when she kissed him faded and his brows drew together in confusion, “Next time? What do you mean, next time?”
2) ANBU versus Uzumaki Naruto
His target, one Uzumaki Naruto, was completely obvious to the fact he was being stalked.
The blonde, around ten years old according to the file, meandered unconcerned through the streets of Konoha. Occasionally, the kid would see someone who needed a hand and stop to help. This was also noted in the file- a habit Naruto had presumably picked up from his adopted relative, Uchiha Obito, alongside his academy ranking of being in the bottom-half of the class.
There was absolutely nothing to suggest why a successful capture and hold of this particular child would waive the probation from his status as a member of ANBU. Inu had read the file three times just to double-check.
Inu’s window of opportunity was closing though- once the blond reached Little Uzushio the wards surrounding that neighbourhood would make extraction much more difficult. And no one in Konoha had forgotten what happened to Danzo Shimura when the Uzumaki caught him red-handed with a missing Uzumaki child a handful of years ago. Not a fate he would like to tempt on himself.
He moved quickly, dropping behind the youth and covering his mouth and ready to shunshin away- only for the boy to disappear in the cloud of smoke and slips of papers. An enhanced shadow clone? At ten? Why wasn’t that in the file? A paper slip fell on Inu- barely grazing his foot as he dashed away- and latched onto him like a parasite with a shock of electricity.
Inu was good, very good, but Naruto was prepared.
The paper flashed with seals that laced out and entrapped Inu’s limbs, paralysing him. He reached for his chakra, only to hit a barrier. Panic flared for a moment- he couldn’t move, he couldn’t find his chakra- only to be shoved back down.
“Geeze- I can’t believe you fell for that!” Naruto reappeared from an alley, dirt in his hair- when the heck did he have time to switch? “I mean, I thought you figured it out when the clone left the academy!”
The academy? He had been following a clone this entire time? Inu blinked slowly behind his mask in consideration. This kid was in the bottom-half of the class? That was… terrifying.
The blond bounced to stop in front of him, looking over his catch with a grin. “Hmm, you’re lucky, ANBU-chan! It wasn’t a complete seal, so it will release in a little bit.” Naruto squinted, and backed up, “Hang on, a second though…”
Where the blond went, he didn’t see; it was outside of Inu’s view, limited by the eyeholes of the mask. But the kid came back, mischievous grin in place and came right up to the stone-like shinobi with an open-faced marker in hand. “Hold still, ANBU-Chan!”
Oh no.
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“... And as a reminder, your masks should not be adjusted from their official colours and markings without prior approval. These markings are your unique identification while you are in the corps. New additions to the list of unapproved changes to your mask: smiley-faces, swirls, scarecrows…”
3) ANBU versus Uchiha Obito
He really didn’t understand why Kushina always got upset when ANBU tried to catch her son- it was actually pretty funny to see them try to outsmart Naruto. The kid had practically been born to prank, and when Kushina had gotten wind of it, sought to turn that pranking into practical shinobi skills. And Obito knew for a fact, Minato-sensei had ‘accidentally’ left out a scroll about advanced clone making in the sealing materials. The fact Naruto also possessed some of the most sideways and backwards ways to evade capture was just par for the course.
Obito, personally, was very proud of the brat and how he could make the average ANBU recruit’s life a living hell. Goals to aspire to. Oh look at that- a new one, hanging out in a tree.
“You know he thinks it is a game, right?” Obito commented absently from beside the newest contender on the ‘Capture the Naruto’ thing the ANBU had going on. The masked teen jumped and whirled, kunai flying, only for it to pass harmlessly through Obito, making the Uchiha frown. “Oh hey now. That wasn’t nice. Here I was, about to help you catch the uncatchable Uzumaki Naruto and you try and stab me.”
“Uh- sorry?” The ANBU replied.
“A little late!” Obito smiled, and raised his voice so the blond walking along the wall home could hear. “Oh look! There’s another ANBU in the compound!”
The masked teen whirled back to her target, who had completely vanished. She stood and turned to stab Obito with intent this time, only to see empty space. She glanced back and forth between the empty spaces and growled.
4) Namikaze Minato versus Uzumaki Kushina
“...Konoha would be willing to pay Naruto, and by extension, the Uzumaki clan for his services to the village.” Minato finished, steely-eyed Hokage face in place.
Kushina didn’t immediately respond but instead stared at her husband over his desk. If she had known this was why Minato had asked to see her she would have come prepared in full Clan wear instead of her usual outfit. She finally narrowed her eyes to squint at him and was rewarded with a very, very faint gulp.
“And what, honoured Hokage, does Commander-chan have on you?” She asked cheerfully with a grin of teeth.
Minato, like the good husband he was, collapsed like a deck of cards. “He’s my ANBU commander, Kushina. I respect him in his role and if he is asking for an Academy student to rig up traps to train his corp I’m obliged to at least follow-up.” He pulled out a sheet of paper from the mound on his desk. “And the pay would be the equivalent of a long- term B-rank mission.”
Though the Uzumaki had come a long way, it wasn’t exactly a secret that the clan coffers were dismal. Rebuilding took time and money and Kushina the Uzumaki clan head couldn’t just turn away free money. Hmm. She could use this.
She pretended to lean back and consider it, already a plan forming. “I’d be amiss if I let an Uzumaki who hadn’t graduated from the academy anywhere near the Black-ops by himself,” Kushina paused, watching Minato brace, “He would need a guardian with him, who would also be paid accordingly. And since this will eat into Naruto’s study time, I expect there will be no complications around his graduation?”
Minato relaxed slightly, “... That’s it?”
Kushina snorted, and snatched the handmade bento she had brought for Minato from his desk, “No. A-rank pay scale for both of them or no lunch for a month.”
Her husband looked positively gutted- ah, that’s where Naruto got the wounded puppy look from. “For a month?” Minato parroted.
She snorted, “You just asked me to let our 10 year old son be a consultant to the ANBU after I told Commander-chan no.” Opening the top lid of the box, Kushina pulled out an onigiri with a spicy tuna filling. An old Uzushio recipe. One of Minato’s favorites even. She examined it for flaws before taking a big bite out of it.
The layers of flavours danced over her tongue and her hum of appreciation was genuine as she took another bite. “Yum! I outdid myself today.”
Minato looked absolutely betrayed at his wife, eyes clearly watching her every move. “B-rank.” He said finally, as Kushina reached for the next onigiri. “B-rank pay for both of them.”
She considered- two Uzumaki pulling in B-rank missions in the village would help restore the Uzumaki coffers nicely. “Fine. Naruto and his guardian get B-rank pay each. Naruto graduates on time. And this is only until he is a genin.”
Her husband nodded his agreement, pulling out the appropriate paperwork from the piles on his desk and filling in the details. “Done.” Minato paused as he handed the sheet over for Kushina’s review, eyeing the onigiri Kushina held with one hand. “Can I have my lunch back?”
Kushina snorted, and stood up, bento in one hand, onigiri in the other, “Not a chance.” Turning on her heel, she made her way to the door, muttering loud enough for Minato and the guards to overhear, “He offers up our son to the ANBU like that and still expects lunch- ha!”
5) Uzumaki Naruto versus ANBU
Naruto was humming as he skipped out of the Forest of Death.
It was a happy jaunty tune, matching his joyful pace, and Obito knew then and there the ANBU team he was standing beside would be lucky to make it out alive.
There were a couple of familiar masks- the Kunoichi had tried stabbing him when he first showed up- and those who had the misfortune of trying to catch Naruto shifted uneasily. Good. Naruto was clearly getting the hang of psychological manipulation.
“All done, Obito-nii!” The blond announced loudly with a foxy grin. He was bouncing back and forth on his feet, rolling between the tips of his toes and the balls of his heels.
Oh yes, Obito mused to himself. There was going to be nothing left.
The captain of the team- Shisui, had to be with that mop of black hair- sighed aloud, well-aware of what was coming. “Okay. We’re doing this. Team 14, on me.” And four vanished into the forest.
“So,” Obito asked in the sudden silence and stuck a finger in his ear. “What did you do?”
Naruto giggled. “Well, Ka-san said that ANBU should be prepared for anything so I shouldn’t hold back.”
Uzumaki Kushina was an evil, evil woman. Obito shook his head, taking his finger out of his ear, examined it briefly, before flicking the wax away. They stood comfortable in the silence waiting for something to happen. They didn’t have to wait long.
A pillar of fire erupted from a nearby clearing, turning the sky around it orange. No sooner had the flame flickered out in a puff of sparks did explosions rock the earth and one of the giant trees fall into the ground like thunder.
Obito hummed appreciatively, “That looked like a variation on the campfire seal.”
“Yup! I got Kensuke to help me.” Naruto furrowed his brows and frowned, “Though he did say it was still in the testing-stages…”
“Ah well, this is as good a testing area as anywhere.” Obito yawned and turned towards the village. “How do you feel about lunch? Ramen sound good?”
And that one time...
“I don’t understand,” Inu announced to the ANBU common room at large, lifting up the bag of ice from his swollen eye, “Where did this kid come from?”
“Little Uzushio,” Shisui replied, half-way through a stretch he hoped would take care of the twinge he picked up after being thrown back into a tree. Trust Naruto to make a springboard seal.
“Nah, nah. I’m talking about how he got to be so uncatchable. And those traps!” Inu set the ice back down with a wince.
“Knowing Naruto-kun,” Itachi interrupted from his locker as he checked his arm bracers, “If he had more than a hour, the traps were at least 2 layers deep.” He closed the locker door firmly, mask in hand, “But he can be caught.”
“Lies and hearsay.” Neko’s muffled offer came from the women’s shower area. “Impossible. Never happened.”
A delicate brow arched, and Itachi continued. “There is one person in the village who can successfully catch Uzumaki Naruto whenever he feels inclined to.”
Inu sat up like a shot, unheeding the bag of ice dropping to his lap with a thud. “Who? Is it the Commander? Hokage-sama?”
Shisui snorted, and transitioned smoothly to a new pose, “He means the only chunin in the history of chunin to turn down a full position in ANBU corps, complete with no probation and instant pay raise.”
Inu was silent for a moment. Then he declared, “I will find this chunin and make him my teacher.”
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Elsewhere in the village, Umino Iruka felt a sudden moment of dread. His charge made another attempt to escape in the lapse, but Iruka’s firm grip on his collar prevented it. “Oh no you don’t, Naruto!” Iruka shook the collar like he would handling a puppy, lifting the academy student high enough off the ground that both feet were dangling, “You don’t get to skip class without an excuse!”
“But, Iruka-sensei!” The blond swung in the grip, “I was helping train ANBU! Honest!”
Iruka snorted. “You need to lie better than that to be a shinobi, Naruto. Now, are you going to come quietly back to class, or do I need to tell Mito-oba-sama you were skipping again?”
Naruto paled and shook his head so hard he started swinging in the other direction. “No! No! I’ll be good! Please don’t tell Mito-oba-sama! Grannie doesn’t need to know!”
Iruka nodded, setting his student down but not letting go. “That’s what I thought.”