Work Text:
Me
hyung, I just got a tiny package
Sent 9:12 pm
Me
It says it’s from you??
Sent 9:13 pm
Jimin hyung
first of all, read the email I just sent you
Sent 9:13 pm
Jimin hyung
also I love you
Sent 9:13 pm
From: [email protected]
Subject: three years late
Better late than never :)
Point A and B
My life has always been a series of planned events and precise words. I’m someone who prefers the exactitude of a good math problem over an insightful book about philosophy (I’ll leave that to Namjoon hyung). Naturally, meeting Jeongguk was unplanned and I never really saw it coming, but the voice at the back of my mind is whispering that, perhaps, all of it wasn’t a coincidence; that that day Jeongguk dropped his coffee all over himself was written somewhere in the vast code of the universe. Whatever the case it may be, this essay might be three years late, but finally, here’s my response to a very eloquent and biased essay I had the pleasure of reading at three am on a chilly night. There’s no thesis, just a statement: I love Jeongguk and I’m writing this because I miss him and I want him here with me. Time to get sappy.
I am not even going to avoid cliches, I’ll go straight into the bad math metaphor. Falling in love with Jeongguk was like a parabola, a u-shaped wave of emotions where he was point A and I was B and even though our feelings kept growing at the same time, we became further apart the longer we kept them to ourselves.
I remember looking at him after our official meeting (for which I thank Taehyung to this very day) and thinking that there was something really interesting about this boy that wouldn’t meet my eyes. Jeongguk had been wearing an old, baggy hoodie; ripped skinny jeans; tattered boots; and yet to me he’d seemed so… enigmatic. He’s tall, broad shouldered but slim at the waist, my favourite place to put my hands and hold him towards me, and somehow he’d looked so small standing there in the middle of the cafeteria. Taehyung had said he’s shy but to me he’d seemed more afraid than anything else, and I’d wanted to know what had scared him so much that he could barely look at me.
Well, it was obviously the fact that he’d already been crushing on me, but back then I’d been as oblivious as him.
And then Jeongguk became a part of our regular group and the fear in his big eyes disappeared and was replaced by a constant sadness. Because I tend to overanalyze everything, I’d started making up different stories and scenarios in my head. Did something happen to a family member? Was Jeongguk having problems with his partner? Was he failing a class? Turns out—Taehyung had muttered under his breath—that he’s in love and its unrequited. I’m literally writing this on my phone as I wait for my flight but thinking about this makes me want to throw it across the gate.
Unrequited. As if there has been a single moment when I didn’t love him.
Jeongguk is just fucking oblivious. He’s one of those wandering, talented souls that for some reason refuse to acknowledge the good things others see in him. The tiny embarrassed smile and the way he’d looked away with red cheeks when I’d complimented some of his pictures had been so breathtaking that I’d been paralyzed for a second too long.
“Jeonggukie has a way with cameras,” Seokjin hyung had said and the others had simply nodded. “You should see his short films sometime.”
Jeongguk had seemed embarrassed, and that had made me even more interested in him. I wanted to see the way Jeongguk saw things so I could understand him better, and the best way to do that was by looking at his projects. He’d refused to show me any videos for the first few months of our friendship, but when he finally sat me down one day at his apartment, placed a laptop on the table and pressed play on a video called GCF in Seoul, I realized the wait had been worth it.
The way Jeongguk paints the streets of this big city with people smiling, the rain cascading on the floor, the bright lights on the calm waters on the Han… just everything. The colours and feeling, the smooth transitioning that tells a story rather than just moving on, the choice of music and the perfect framing… it had all left me speechless the first time I saw it, and it still leaves me amazed at his talent.
And there’s no denying Jeongguk is extremely talented, not just with a camera in hand but with everything he cares about. He’d already been a gym maniac when we’d met, but a year into our friendship he took working out extremely seriously and bulked up so quickly that it took my breath away. He’s handsome and by then I was already gone for him, so don’t judge me for popping boners every time he picked something up and he flexed his biceps. I’m just grateful that I can caress them any time I want now. The perks of being Jeon Jeongguk’s boyfriend: biceps and cuddles, kisses late at night and early in the morning, the sturdy feeling of Jeongguk’s body against mine… the list can go on for ages.
Jeongguk has the biggest and loveliest eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re round and brown and doe-like and every time he pins me with his stare I just melt. I swear his eyes sparkle like they contain a small constellation that shines bright just for me. And he has these thin lips, so doll-like and rosy, and the fact that I can kiss him any time is still surreal. I spent so long staring at them every time Jeongguk spoke that when we first kissed I thought I’d dreamed it.
Athletic, artsy and attractive. If these things don’t convince you that Jeongguk is literally the best and most wonderful person in the world then here you go: he’s also extremely caring.
I’ll never forget the day Yoongi hyung burst out crying in front of us because of Hoseok hyung. It had taken me so off guard that I’d done nothing but stare at him with wide eyes as I tried to process everything. Yoongi hyung had been bawling about sleeping with Hoseok, saying he loved him, and then Jeongguk had slid to the floor, passed a strong arm over his shoulder and he’d gathered Yoongi hyung towards his chest.
“Hyung,” He’d sounded worried, glancing at me with furrowed brows. Yoongi had hidden his face into Jeongguk’s neck. “Hyung, you two need to talk.”
The words had been aimed at Yoongi but he’d been looking at me, and somehow that was all I needed to know that we were about to break. Although point A and B in the parabola never met, they’re always parallel to each other, and Jeongguk and I are always somehow on the same page, even when we’re being stupid cowards.
So then came the essay, and kissing at four am, sighs and well-awaited I love yous against each other’s lips. And now it’s been three years and while not much has changed, Jeongguk and I have beaten what has always been a rigid rule in my head. The points that could never meet, somehow became one. I could explain this with an equation but I think this could turn into an academic paper really quickly if I don’t limit myself.
Jeongguk says I’m like a light in his path (he’s the poetic one between us), but the truth is that I just reflect the light I get from him. He’s the ethereal one, he’s the one with all the talents. I’m just here to appreciate love him like he deserves, because even when he refuses to see what’s right there I’m always going to be by his side to remind him that he’s become my everything.
It’s been about three hours since I listened to his voice when he’d called, but I’m already missing his strong satoori that reminds me more than anything that he’s my home just as much as Busan; the little lisp that escapes when he’s excited; and the little inflection at the end of every Jiminie hyung that has me closing my eyes and smiling. Jeongguk has such a lovely voice, and when he sings, yet another talent of his, I feel every single note fill me with so much warmth and love for him that sometimes I just need to breathe deeply to ground myself.
“You’re so embarrassing,” Yoongi hyung had said once, face contorted into a mix of disgust and exasperation. We’d been sitting right across from Jeongguk while he listened to music and sang to himself. “The way you look at him is just too much, the kid is barely singing.”
I hadn’t even taken my eyes away from Jeongguk. “You look like that at Hoseok hyung when he breathes.”
That’d shut him up.
So why am I writing this essay? Like I explained at the beginning, I miss my point A and I want him with me like, right now. Remember what I said about Jeongguk being extremely talented? Well, me and the hyungs aren’t the only ones that think so, and when Jeongguk had received an invitation to attend Cannes Film Festival as a student representative, I’d never been happier and prouder of letting him go.
It’s been two long months during which we’ve been apart while he did some courses in France before the festival and then attended the star studded event. I’d Skyped him a week ago cause I wanted to see what he’d be wearing for the festival and of course he didn’t disappoint, or rather, Taehyung didn’t disappoint.
“Saint Laurent,” I’d said with a shake of my head. “Taehyung really knows how to get to me.”
“Well, you pushed him to do it so now you can’t complain.” Jeongguk replied with a wink. The blue blazer he’d had on accentuated his waist so well, that I’d made a mental note to get Taehyung something nice and expensive in thanks.
“Do you hear me complaining?”
“Your face tells me you want to.”
“Why would I complain when you look so good,” I’d replied. “You better send me lots of selcas.”
He’d sent only one, the brat.
And it’s all these things about him, how I just feel like a better person when he’s with me, the way he makes my everyday better and how the way he sees me and the world around him is so wonderful.
Now I’m sitting on the plane and I’m hoping that everything is going well and Jeongguk gets the little present I sent in time and everything goes according to plan.
It would be awkward if, despite the meticulous planning, I got there before the ring.
Jimin hyung
Open the door
Sent 9:38 pm
Me
I just
Sent 9:39 pm
Me
I do
Sent 9:39 pm
