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i.
"Arisa really wants to kiss you."
Saya blinks once, twice, thrice. Tae is looking at Saya as if she has the universe in her eyes. In a way, Saya always felt fearful to look at Tae during her (rare) moments of profound wisdom, as if her gaze revealed bare all the contents of her soul.
Even so, Saya thinks Tae might be wrong on this one.
Arisa isn't even looking at her, or nowhere near the drum set for that matter. If Arisa really had thought of kissing Saya, she would at least be blushing, because that's how Arisa is. Instead, she seems concentrated, going over a sound check with Rimi - Rimi's taste for perfection is making Arisa play the same segment of the pre-chorus over and over again.
"I... don't think I follow..." is what Saya says after a long silence.
"It's just how it is. She really wants to kiss you." Tae says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Frankly speaking, Saya doesn't seem to match Arisa's type, in the case she has one in the first place. Kasumi seems more like it, the opposing magnets who connect to each other perfectly. Maybe Arisa has thought of kissing Kasumi. Perhaps even Tae. Rimi, if she's reaching that far. But not Saya. That couldn't be.
Annoyed, Tae picks her guitar and walks over to where Kasumi is humming some lyrics to herself, "I said what I said."
When Rimi asks if Saya can start from the beginning she says yes, but even newbie-to-music Kasumi can tell something seems off about the drums.
No one says anything about the subject.
ii.
"Arisa seems to be really into you."
At least once a week Saya likes to meet up with Tomoe to catch up on things. They’ve been friends for as long as they can remember, and after Poppin’ Party and Afterglow began to meet each other more frequently over local live shows, they seemed to get closer to each other more than ever before. Tomoe always said that big sisters should stick together and Saya likes to have someone that understands her so well. From the drums to being a kind sister, Tomoe seems to get Saya’s deepest feelings and relate to them.
Which is why she can’t understand such a statement.
They’re walking home together this afternoon and the topic switches rapidly towards love. Tomoe, with the kind of image that looks so collected and mature, seems to get immediately soft-spoken at the slightest mention of teenage love. According to her, today Ran finally mustered up the courage to pour her sincerest feelings towards Tsugumi into a love song. Even if it took Moca to say outloud what the lyrics actually meant, much to Ran’s embarrassment, they left practice hand-in-hand. It felt dreamy, and Saya even felt her own ears warming a little at the thought.
Ran and Tsugumi are different from Arisa and Saya though. Tomoe doesn’t seem to really get it what’s so different.
“You and Arisa actually remind me a lot of Tsugu and Ran, you know?” Tomoe laughs, “You have the same kind of nature. It’s a nice coincidence.”
“How exactly?”
“Tsugu is always so kind, hardworking person. She’s very sweet too and she really looks after us,” Saya smiles upon hearing the description, which shows Tomoe’s love for the Afterglow members, “And Ran is also timid, and she’s not always honest with herself. It’s a bit like Arisa, I think. She is passionate though when she puts her feelings into it. I’ve seen Arisa playing the keyboard and she is good at it too, just like Ran when it comes to playing the guitar, singing and writing lyrics.”
Truthfully enough, Arisa’s keyboard abilities improved quickly with time. Arisa was a fast learner after all, and while she was excellent to memorize music sheets with impeccable precision, her playing used to lack feeling, as Rimi often pointed out. Day by day, practice after practice, she looked to warm up to the band and overcome (most of) her insecurities regarding her relationship with the rest of the Poppin’ Party members. With every presentation, it was clear how much effort Arisa would put into her performances and Saya admired that highly.
“I guess we are, if you put it that way,” she concedes, “But there isn’t an affectionate atmosphere between us like you’re suggesting. I guess I’m just Poppin’ Party’s sister after all, it’d be weird to be in love with a bandmate like this, maybe it wouldn’t suit my image, in a way.”
Tomoe seems to be particularly upset by that, “There’s no such thing like that. A band isn’t just an image, it’s a feeling as well.”
“I know that…” Saya sighs, “It’s just… I’m not really the kind of person someone could fall in love with, you know?”
“Have you ever thought there’s more in you than a just big sister? A good companion?” Tomoe reasons, her hands curled into fists, “Have you ever thought that you could be the person of someone else’s love songs?”
No, and Arisa wouldn’t be the first to write about her. At least, it’s what she told herself so.
iii.
“Oh! But I thought you and Aa-chan were going out?”
Hagumi is the least perceptive person Saya could possibly think of. Her obliviousness is enough to rival Kasumi’s own, standing side by side with Kokoro’s. With that being said, Saya can only feel frustrated that Hagumi, of all people, can have the same tact as of Tae and Tomoe.
Kaoru seems genuinely concerned about this, although for a different reason. “My apologies, dear kitten. I wouldn’t have made such a fleeting comment if I had known you were taken. I hope you can find a place in your heart to forgive such an impulsive action.”
It’s a weird conversation. Kanon wanted to organize a small tea party to celebrate the success of Saya and Kaoru’s wedding photoshoot, but they end up eating croquettes at Hagumi’s place, which isn’t fancy like she planned it to be, but it’s cozy, very shopping district-like. It starts with Saya retelling the story about how Kaoru and her ended modeling for a photoshoot together but the topic clearly loses control when Kaoru begins to flirt with Saya and Hagumi reprimands her for it.
“But we’re not!” Saya raises her voice, taking a bite of her croquette and regretting the decision, for it’s too hot, resulting in her burning her tongue as Kanon rushes to the kitchen to fetch her a glass of water, “Where would you get that idea from?”
“Well, Aa-chan really blushes a lot when she’s around you,” Hagumi’s cheeks have a faint rosy color to them and Saya doesn’t think she saw that expression on her before, “And I saw you walking around the district together! More than once! Hagumi thinks it’s super sweet!”
“Certainly so, I also find it enchanting,” Kaoru strikes her trademark pose, “A delicate maiden with a heart of glass seeking the cerulean waters from a gentle, yet firm gaze… Ah… How fleeting…”
Surely enough, Saya did hang around with Arisa a couple of times. Arisa finds it hard to be comfortable around people and as a good friend, Saya likes to be by her side when they go out for a walk. Even if it’s getting something to eat at the district or going over to the mall to find matching accessories, Arisa’s company is one to be cherished, and that’s all there is about it.
Saya thinks about the day where they bought matching tiaras and for some reason her heart seems to waver at that.
“Please don’t misunderstand, we’re just friends,” she settles with saying that, and her answer doesn’t seem to please neither of them.
“Friendship, although eternal, can be more than just cordialities between two people,” Kaoru says as Hagumi claps on cue, “Love can, and should, allow the same amount of care that a friendship does.”
Care. Saya thinks about it frequently, looking over for the people she loves. Arisa, more than anyone else in Poppin’ Party, requires attention that she is willing to give. Saya is always the one to look where Arisa could possibly be hiding when she’s embarrassed or frustrated. Arisa’s social circle grew overnight and Saya sees how much it drains her. Before she knows it, she’s searching for her at deserted hallways and staircases, and she likes to think that the small blonde enjoys her company.
But that’s just Saya being herself, it isn't anything extraordinary, special.
“I just look after her as I would with anyone else,” she sighs, “See? Not a romantic love after all.”
“Maybe you haven’t realized yet?” Kanon says, perking up to the conversation for the first time. Hagumi seems to immediately deflate at this, “Maybe I was wrong?”
“It’s impossible, really,” Saya decides, shutting them down.
“Well, if that's the case,” Kaoru saunters from her chair, only to drop to one knee and hold Saya’s hand affectionately, “would you mind if I pursued to reach the depths of your heart instead?”
Kaoru smirks to herself when Saya looks away, much like Arisa would do.
“Uh… Maybe another day.”
iv.
“Gotcha! Is it because you’re in love with Arisa-san?”
“Ako, it’s rude to assume people’s feelings like this,” Lisa tries to scold her, but ends up laughing, “But now that I think of it, the two of you would make such a cute couple! Arisa is so shy and sweet after all!”
Lisa then proceeds to tell all over again about the time she helped Arisa to make chocolates for Valentine’s. Emphasizing on the most vivid descriptions of Arisa’s every expression, imagining how she looked like on that day makes Saya’s heart skip a little.
Why did that have to happen with her?
She never saw Arisa like that. Arisa was a good friend, a cute one, but that was about it. Rimi was cute, Hagumi was cute, and yet Saya never looked at none of them that way. Why was Arisa different?
“Was the chocolate good, Saya-chan?” Ako asks, genuinely curious, “I mean, could you measure the amount of love poured into it?”
“I don’t think love can be ‘measured’ like that, Ako…” Saya laughs, although it comes out more embarrassed than an actual laugh.
“Of course you can!” she pouts and Lisa sighs in exasperation, “For example, Rinrin made me a chocolate gateau on Valentine’s and I could feel all sorts of feelings as I ate! Something like boom, y’know? It was really cool of her! Rinrin is sure amazing, the other day--”
“We all know how much you like Rinko,” Lisa giggles and even if Saya is a bit exasperated, she finds it in her to laugh at how Ako seems upset about being interrupted, “But we were talking about Saya, isn’t that right?”
Not at all, Saya thinks to herself. Lisa and Ako ran into her while she was coming back from a delivery and it’s out of Saya’s very own imagination how people.
“So, about the chocolates,” Lisa smiles, “She was so worried about whether Poppin’ Party would enjoy them, I thought there could be like, a reason for it. Isn’t that adorable? Just like when I make cat-shaped cookies to Yukina.”
It wasn’t a shocking piece of information, since Arisa made it look like it didn't matter at all. Saya saw how she got upset that the others didn't take the same amount of care as herself in the chocolate exchange reunion. She remembers how her eyes darted around them expectantly and how her shoulders dropped in relief after all of the band’s praises.
Yet again, those weren’t treats like the ones Lisa would offer to Yukina. They weren't only for Saya, therefore it wasn't the same. Even if Arisa did an extra effort to make them, they weren't exclusive.
Without need to say these words outloud, Lisa seems to reach her thoughts.
“Be more grateful to her when you can, okay?” Lisa winks, “Noticing someone’s feelings is the best gift you can give in return.”
(Ako unconsciously switches the topic to talk about one of her games, yet Saya feels like telling her the chocolates were indeed sweet. Her instincts tell it's just right-measured sugar but her mind isn’t quite sure about that.)
v.
“Just like in a period drama! Perhaps you’re the warrior that protects Arisa-san’s feelings? How romantic!”
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when Saya and Maya became acquaintances, but she enjoys her company, and even finds her endearing. Despite not perceived as such by other people because of her tomboyish appearance, Saya genuinely believes Maya is as cute and sweet as any other Pastel*Palette member, and finding out these little soft sides of her when she helps out with her drums repairs is interesting on its own.
Usually, Maya comes in alone to check Saya’s drums, but for some reason she brought Eve along today. Of course, Saya doesn’t mind, as she enjoys Eve’s presence and quirky personality. But now, even if Maya is profusely embarrassed by the weird atmosphere, Saya feels upset to made fun of, even if not intentionally.
Sensing the mood, Eve seems suddenly disappointed, “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings Saya-san…”
“Not at all, don’t worry about it,” Saya smiles and Maya seems to catch something weird about it, “It’s just…”
“We can keep it a secret if you confide in us,” Eve reaches out for Saya’s hand, linking their fingers, “It’s a promise!”
Saya isn’t sure if it’s the way Eve holds her hands so earnestly, with so much passion, even if she doesn’t understand what’s wrong. She doesn’t know if it’s in Maya’s eyes, transpassing a sensation of calm she doesn’t see in anyone else.
It takes her to break and burst in tears to start talking.
“Why does everyone think Arisa is interested in me? And vice versa? It doesn’t even make sense!” she’s embarrassed, the grip in Eve’s hands losing its strength, “I didn’t even know I had feelings like those before, how am I supposed to know it’s just like that with her? I don’t get it! I really don’t…”
Without noticing, she finds herself wrapped in Eve’s warm embrace, patting her back softly. “Saya-san, don’t push yourself so hard. It’s okay.”
“You know, you don’t have to rush to know about these things,” Maya smiles, “The fun in it must be of taking your time. Figure out your feelings before rushing to any conclusions, how does that sound? In the meantime, we’ll be here for what you need.”
“Thank you so much,” Saya wipes her tears and Eve brightens when she spots her smile, “I guess I really needed that.”
“It’s no problem!” confidence rises from Eve, as she places her hands on her waist triumphantly, “Just like the teachings of bushido, your feelings will guide you to a clear path. Even samurais need to train their mind too! I’m sure you can do it!”
The afternoon resumes to them watching period dramas together, and for some reason, Saya can understand why Eve is so infatuated with these sorts of stories. As a light ignites inside her, she briefly wonders if that’s the spirit of a warrior and this spark of confidence are enough for her to take her next step.
In her own pace and way, Saya thinks she’s close to finding out the meaning of what she couldn’t agree with.
vi.
“Arisa, do you like me?”
This wasn’t Saya’s best planned decision, words leaving her lips as soon as she says them.
Arisa is, as expected, shocked. Her flushed face and shaking hands are a mirror of her heart, and Saya would be laughing if she could believe that Arisa’s expression wasn’t a mirror of her own.
“Well, we’re friends, aren’t we?” Arisa says, stuttering, “I guess it’s… n-natural, for me to like you. Something like that.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Saya mumbles, loud enough so the other girl can hear, even though it’s just the two of them at the garden, “I was wondering if it could be possible that you could have, um... strong feelings for me...”
It’s hard to tell which one of them is more confused, even if they know exactly what is going on. Earnestness is the weakest of their points, both of them unable to move forward with the conversation.
After a long, uncomfortable silence, Arisa stops fidgeting with the pruning shears and places them gently on the table. Surprisingly, she takes the lead of things, smiling sincerely for the first time in a while.
“If you’re asking me if I love you, then the answer is yes,” worried eyes fill her expression just then, “There, I said it. Happy?”
After hearing from so many people what was in Arisa’s mind, it’s almost amusing how Saya thinks it’s weird hearing it from the source. It feels strange, to hear such sweet words directed towards her. Saya has never felt such a sugary atmosphere surrounding her, not even close to being surrounded daily by sweets. It’s a different sensation, something new, and the lack of knowledge of how to act is getting to her nerves.
Arisa doesn’t look up after that and it worries Saya. She feels bad about invading her space, she really does, but these thoughts wouldn’t let her sleep, especially under Arisa’s presence. At some point of the sleepover night, Arisa ran to tend of her plants, and Saya followed her without noticing it. Now that they’re here, so close yet so far, she wonders if acting by this impulse was nothing but a grand mistake.
“I don’t get it…” she says in a weak voice, “Why me? I mean, I know we’re close but I…”
“It doesn’t surprise me that you don’t understand,” Arisa sighs, and even if she can’t see her expression, Saya knows it’s a bittersweet one. “Even though all I think about is you, it doesn’t look like you notice me very often. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Let’s forget what I said and pretend this never hap--”
“But I notice you. All the time,” she laughs, even if she’s feeling tears pooling in her eyes, “Why haven’t I thought of that before?”
It's true. Saya notices Arisa too much. Enough to lose her focus on other activities, to get lost in the endless maze of complexity that is Arisa. To understand her words through her expressions, to understand her smiles, her tears, her moods and everything that makes her what she is.
Enough to lose sight of her longing sighs and soft grumbling.
Enough to miss what Arisa has been trying to tell her the whole time.
“I’m so sorry!” Arisa protests weakly as Saya throws herself in her arms in a desperate hug, the warmth she didn't know she missed the whole time.
Suddenly everything clicks into place. The more she feels Arisa pressed against her - seeing the exact shade of red that colors her face up close, noticing how her vanilla-scented perfume seems to stick to her own clothes, feeling the increasing strength of the way her arms shyly wraps themselves on Saya’s back - the more she feels bad about ignoring what was obvious all along.
“Y’know, I think I really love you too, Arisa.”
Pressing her cold hands on Saya’s cheeks, Arisa smiles and the action makes her reciprocate in the same manner.
“I’m really glad,” she laughs, “You’d make me look pretty dumb otherwise.”
vii.
“So, O-Tae, how did you know Arisa wanted to kiss Saya?”
Kasumi’s question causes Tae’s face to brighten at the same time it causes Arisa’s to redden. As usual, they’re having lunch together as five, and the question seems to dawn at the conversation suddenly. Arisa looks angry and well, Saya thinks she looks really cute like this. Not that she’d tell her that right now.
“It's easy,” Tae places her hand under her chin in thought “Rimirin makes the same face when she looks at me sometimes.”
Saya laughs at Rimi’s sudden yell, combusting in embarrassment. Arisa relates to the feeling, unable to stop the melody of laughter even if she wanted to.
If every day can be lively like this, then maybe she doesn't mind if other people can read her heart better than herself.
(Just a little. Saya can tell.)