Work Text:
Pucey created a group chat
Pucey named the group chat looming divorce :(
Higgs: they're not going to break up oh my god
Pucey: you didn't hear what I heard!!
Angelina: hi excuse me
Angelina: what is this about??
Pucey: hi everyone I'm here to talk about a very sad thing
Fred: Merlin’s balls, it's a chat full of slytherins
George: this is either a horrible nightmare or a beautiful dream and i haven’t figure out which yet
Montague: im in an alternate universe
Montague: quickly @Warrington slap me to get me to jump universes
Warrington: @Montague no. @Pucey they’re not getting divorced
Warrington: they’re not even married
Harry: who are we talking about and why does this concern me?
Angelina: ^
Katie: ^
Malfoy: oh great it’s Potter :///
Harry removed Malfoy from looming divorce :(
Fred: asdfjsal amazing
Malfoy started a private chat
Malfoy: add me back
Montague: brat
Montague added Malfoy to looming divorce :(
Higgs: play nice boys @Malfoy @Potter
Pucey: the very sad thing, people!!
Pucey: Flint and Wood and the impending doom that’s waiting for them
Pucey: aka our final match in two weeks
George: wow
George: i didn’t know you guys were so invested in their relationship
Bletchley: we’re not
Warrington: speak for yourself
Warrington: i have gotten yelled at a hell of a lot less since Wood has let Flint’s hands down his pants
Fred: oi thats our captain ur talking about here
Fred: he may be lowkey a ho but we dont slander him for it
Katie: @Pucey so what did you overhear and why are we scared they’re going to break up??
Pucey: they were arguing after our team practice the other day
Bletchley: big surprise
Pucey: ok you know how when they argue it’s not actually arguing
Pucey: this wasn’t that ok it was honestly kinda intense
Alicia: oh no wonder Oliver was in such a bad mood this weekend
Bletchley: hi Spinnet
Montague removed Bletchley from looming divorce :(
Warrington: finally some fucking peace and quiet.
Katie: oh yeah, Oliver was realllly moody when we were all at 3 broomstix
Katie: poor thing
Higgs: lmao from what I heard he was in the wrong
Fred: blasphemy.
George: how dare you.
Higgs: Flint’s words, not mine
Fred: blasphemy
George: how dare he.
Malfoy: okay but again why do we care
Harry removed Malfoy from looming divorce :(
Malfoy started a private chat
Malfoy: add me back
Montague: oh my god
Montague added Malfoy to looming divorce :(
Malfoy: FUCK YOU
Harry removed Malfoy from looming divorce :(
Harry removed Montague from looming divorce :(
Angelina: i am l i v i n g
Warrington: holy shit what a straight savage
Harry: anyways @Higgs you know what the fight was about?
Higgs: sure but i value my face so i’d rather not give flint a reason to mess it up
Higgs: im rather pretty, yknow
Warrington: hey @Potter do ur thing
Harry removed Higgs from looming divorce :(
Warrington: this shit is lit
Pucey: guys :(
Pucey added Higgs to looming divorce :(
Pucey added Montague, Malfoy, and Bletchley to looming divorce :(
Warrington: damnit
Montague: excuse YOU
Malfoy: we’re going to fucking remember this Cassius
Fred: wow no wonder you guys suck
Fred: so much infighting
Angelina: y’all i figured out what they were fighting about
Katie: o shit angie, how?
Angelina: oh like this
Angelina: “hey Oliver what were u fighting with Flint about?”
Angelina: *cue thirty minutes of text-ranting*
Angelina sent an image to looming divorce :(
Angelina: witches get shit done
Montague: ….lmao merlin
Katie: sigh ya he’s rlly dramatic
Bletchley: does he threaten shower-drowning often? Like is that a common thing? Do you all ever get worried?
Pucey: I TOLD you all it was BAD fuck what do we do
George: sounds to me like Flint’s the one in the wrong hmmmmmm
George: i say oliver dumps him
Fred: oooh seconded
Pucey: hold up
Pucey: im sure its not that clear and concise
Harry: what part of “Flint thinks having a firebolt is unfair and so harry shouldn’t play” isn’t clear and concise
Harry: sounds like Flint’s the one making demands here
Malfoy : ok but it’s not fair
Katie: @Malfoy ur just scared u can’t beat Harry and thems the facts
Montague: i mean he’s not wrong
Montague: that’s a professional standard broom that’s leagues ahead of all of ours
George: okay, what about when you all got decked out with Nimbus 2001s??
George: professional standard broms
George: no one kicked up a fuss then
Fred: YEA
Fred: I SAY WOOD STANDS HIS GROUND
Pucey: guys no
Pucey: its not up to us to determine who’s right or wrong
Fred: what are u, a puff?
Montague: yes
Warrington: yes
Bletchley: yes
Pucey: >:(
Higgs: shut up all of you
Higgs: Flint just stormed into our dorm and he’s muttering weird shit under his breath
Higgs: oooh he’s writing a letter
Alicia: do u know what the letter says
Higgs: I’ll risk my face to ask
Bletchley: may Terence Higgs rest in peace
Harry: how do u guys even function as a team when you’re scared of him
Montague: u mean Wood’s eyebrows don’t strike the fear of Circe into your soul?
Malfoy: lmao they’re not actually scared of him
Malfoy: he’s like a mom
Pucey: snitches end up in ditches!!
Bletchley: snitches end up in ditches oh my god Malfoy why do you never get this
Higgs: fuck off Malfoy. Who wants to know what he’s writing?
Alicia: meee i wanna know
Higgs: @ slyth team, i swear he’s gone soft holy shit
Higgs: ahem his scribbled writings are a very messy yet still increasingly sappy apology to one O. Wood.
Higgs: i dodged a punch for all you motherfuckers
Bletchley: wait why is he the one apologizing?? Wood’s the one being overdramatic
Angelina: that's our captain you’re talking about
Higgs: too late, the letter has been taken and the captain’s rushed out
Warrington: well
Warrington: at least Pucey can stop panicking about his otp now
Pucey: no because a) what if he doesn’t accept the apology and b) the match!! Is still coming up!!
Bletchley: lmao Wood’s not gnna be happy when he loses
Katie: EXCUSE YOU
Alicia: u wish bleghley
Montague: blegh-ley
Warrington: hahahahahaha
Bletchley: fuck off, ur supposed to be on my side
Fred: losing??? Us??? Sounds FAKE.
Pucey: guys!! We need to make sure it doesn’t get ugly between them
Warrington: thats the natural course of love, man
Warrington: not saying that they’re in love or anything lol could you imagine ugh
George: ew gross
Bletchley: lol right?
Malfoy has started a private chat
Malfoy: hello captain, I’d like to inform you that your team is collaborating with the gryffindors about your private life
Flint: wot
Malfoy sent an image
Flint: motherfuck
Flint: also what part of ‘snitches end up in ditches’ don’t you get
Malfoy added Flint to looming divorce :(
Montague: SNITCHES END UP IN DITCHES
Warrington: SNITCHES END UP IN DITCHES
Malfoy: i just thought he should know
Angelina: what the fuckkkkkk
Warrington: haha also i meant that you two are very much in love and we’re supportive
Warrington: um unless you’re not in love in which case, that’s cool too
Angelina: yea keep digging that hole Warrington
Flint: hello. I’m going to choose to ignore Cassius right now.
Warrington: small mercies, thank u quidditch Jesus
Flint: i’d like to inform you that you are all dead.
Fred left looming divorce :(
George left looming divorce :(
Alicia added Fred and George to looming divorce :(
Alicia: IF WE’RE SUFFERING SO R U @Fred @George
Warrington: i will literally get down on my knees to beg for mercy
Montague: ^^
Bletchley: ^^^
Malfoy: o maybe they are scared
Flint: @Pucey @Pucey @Pucey @Pucey @Pucey ………….explain.
Harry: damn 5 @’s
Flint: @Pucey
Pucey: i’m hiding
Flint: i’m not mad at you, i just wanna know
Angelina: flint?? Not mad?? It’s (apparently) more likely than you think
Montague: this is blatant favoritism excuse me what the frICK
Pucey: uhmmmmmmm well
Pucey: you seemed so upset after Wood left yknow and obviously u guys are so much happier when u guys ARENT fighting, and i just thought it would be so unfortunate if u guys ended up breaking up over something as silly as a hogwarts quidditch game
Pucey: and like i know u guys are rlly feeling the pressure as the final match draws closer so I was worried that that’d be it and i reallllly didn’t want that to happen bc, again, u guys are both a lot happier when you’re together and i think u guys work rlly well so
Pucey: :(
Alicia: thats …. rlly cute ngl
Warrington: he’s a puff he’s a PUFF
Higgs removed Warrington from looming divorce :(
Flint: we’re not gnna break up
Flint: i think lol
Flint: well not on my end anyways, he’s still pretty pissed
Pucey: :(
Flint: frowny face indeed
Angelina added Oliver to looming divorce :(
George : angelina noooo
Angelina: @Oliver your response?
Oliver: why have i been rudely awakened from my nap
Oliver: ??
Oliver: oh
Oliver: oh im not breaking up with Marcus wtf
Flint: so you’re not mad anymore?
Oliver: oh don’t worry, I’m still mad
Oliver: wait
Oliver: holy shit did you guys create a group chat about this
Oliver: @ GRYFF TEAM - COMMON ROOM. NOW.
Katie started a private chat
Katie: HOW MAD DOES HE LOOK
Harry: well he just rushed down from upstairs and his left eye is twitching
Harry: yknow, like it does when we all fall asleep during early morning practice and he has to re-explain the plays
Katie: FUCK
Katie: tell him i have period cramps and can’t come!!
Harry: don’t fucking lie to me Bell, also tell the rest of the team that Harry is being held hostage until you all come reckon with my goddamn wrath - Oliver
Katie entered looming divorce :(
Katie changed the name to we’re all doomed
Katie sent an image to we’re all doomed
Katie: @ gryff team
Alicia: crap i was gnna pull the period excuse noooOoo
Fred: aw fuck, not Harry!
Fred: if it was Angelina, I might’ve bounced
Angelina: Likewise
Fred: aw would you really
Angelina: i’ve always liked George better
Montague: well good luck i guess lmao
Flint: @Montague still here
Flint: everyone but @Pucey, slytherin common room. Now.
Higgs: f a v o r i t i s m
Pucey: i’m really sorry guys i’ll make it up to you :(
Montague started a private chat
Montague: alright Adrian Pucey
Montague: how tf did you worm urself into flint’s good graces
Pucey: oh hahah i just pretend like i’m really innocent and well-intentioned so he can baby me
Pucey: secretly I’m planning to overthrow him and take the captaincy for myself
Montague: oh my god
Montague: why are you telling me this??
Pucey: because no one will ever believe you :)
Pucey has blocked this user
Montague: you sick son of a bitch
Flint started a private chat
Flint: after we whoop our respective teams, you wanna talk?
Oliver: sounds like a plan
Oliver: also ‘looming divorce’ lmao we’re not married
Flint: haha yet haha
Oliver: what
Flint: what
Oliver: WE ARE 18 CALM UR ASS DOWN
Flint: IM SORRY