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Secrets were something that Eddie kept well. He kept many, many secrets. He kept the secret of every close friend he had, as many of his friends had trusted him with their deepest and most horrible or embarrassing secrets. He didn’t mind it.
Eddie kept his own secrets, too.
When Eddie Kaspbrak was 14, he dreamt about kissing a faceless man. He quickly pushed the dream away, but knew it wouldn’t be easy. The dream persisted for months, until the faceless man became his best friend, Richie Tozier. He dreamt of Richie’s smile, his eyes blown up under his glasses, the dark curls he had grown out, the freckles Eddie would trace in the dream, but mostly, Eddie just dreamt of kissing him under the sun. He dreamt of the warm sun touching his skin and warming his shoulders. In the dreams, Richie was still talkative, even when they were kissing, he would speak between kisses.
And if Eddie were to be honest, he wouldn’t have that any other way.
When Eddie was 15, Richie began to climb through Eddie’s window, at his own request. Nights alone with his mother were enough to go ahead and ask Richie to come in every night. And of course, Richie did it without question. Richie did anything for Eddie without question. He was that good of a friend, Eddie figured.
Though one night when the two were 16, reading through comics and having hushed conversations, there was a sudden shift in conversation. Suddenly things were quieter than before. Richie suddenly looked up, abandoning reading all together.
“Eds, have you ever even had a first kiss?” Richie asked, his voice below the whisper they were using.
Eddie tensed, thinking back to every dream with Richie he had, before shaking his head. “No, I haven’t. Why are you asking me?” Eddie asked, looking up to meet Richie's eyes. Richie was a shade of pink, closing a comic book and shrugging.
“I haven’t either. I have a date on Friday, I was kinda- nevermind, it’s fucking stupid.” Richie shrugged, ducking his head back to the comic book.
“Rich, no no- nothing you think is fucking stupid.” Eddie assured him, moving closer to his friend. “What did you have in mind?”
Richie looked back up, “I was hoping you’d let me practice with you. Just for the next few nights, until Friday.”
Eddie agreed, and a part of him desperately wished he hadn’t.
Getting to kiss Richie Tozier was probably one of the best things he’s ever done, the feeling of his chapped and torn lips made Eddie melt. It was everything, he wanted to stay in those moments forever.
When they pulled away, both still under the haze of the moment, Eddie saw something change in Richie. He shrugged a bit before speaking, “I’m probably gonna need more practice.” Richie noted. Eddie nodded in agreement, but didn’t say anything. He just let Richie kiss him again, not really minding another secret to keep.
The age 17 came around, and Richie had a girlfriend. She was okay, not good enough for Richie, since he was still sneaking through Eddie’s window every night and kissing him, not doing that for some girl named Madelyn, or whatever it was. Though, one night, Eddie couldn’t do it anymore. He pulled away from his best friends lips, “I can’t do this anymore.” Eddie confessed quietly, looking down so he didn’t have to look at Richie. Richie looked at him confused, a slight frown grazing his usually smiling face.
“What do ya mean, Eds?” he asked, as if nothing was wrong. As if it was okay for Richie to be doing this to him. To that poor girl. How dare Richie do that to him- Every day Eddie watched Richie kiss Madison or whatever her name was, sling his arm around her shoulders instead of his, and do the same things he used to do to him, but only it was on her.
Anger coursed through Eddie’s veins, he looked up through now teary eyes. “Don’t fucking call me that! I can’t let you keep kissing me when you have a perfectly fine girlfriend. I know you’re straight, okay? Well I’m gay, so you can shove your practice kissing up your ass, I’m not your fucking toy to mess around with!” He exclaimed, instead of a usual hushed whisper it was at normal volume.
“Eddie you’re gonn-”
“Gonna what? Wake up the witch? Who fucking cares, get out of my room and don’t come back until you decide to treat me like your best friend instead of just your little side project.” He glared at him. Eddie shuffled away from Richie, watching as Richie locked his jaw. Without another word, he left. Eddie closed his window for the first time in two years, locked it, even. He closed the curtain, and allowed himself to cry once more.
Eddie was still 17, a few months after the Richie ordeal. They talked less. Eddie spoke to Bev or Mike more often than he talked to Richie, but even if Eddie still saw him every day, still spoke to him in a few of the classes they had together, it didn’t stop Eddie from missing Richie like crazy. Though, the void was soon filled.
A boy in his Algebra class, Isaac, had taken interest in Eddie. Eddie didn’t mind it. He didn’t mind hearing Isaac tell him bad puns, or how he laughed loudly, or how when it was just the two of them, Isaac would give him a look of softness, a look of adoration. Eddie didn’t mind it at all when Isaac had kissed him.
Eddie liked a lot of things about Isaac. He was tall, he was built like a god, he was sweet and funny, he was perfect. Eddie maybe even loved Isaac, but he knew that much couldn’t have been true. He was though, at least a little bit in love with him. Eddie really hoped that it would turn out well. For the last few months, it was. It was amazing, even.
Eddie was 18 now, and in his senior year. After a great Spring and Summer with Isaac, he wondered what Fall and Winter would be like, he wondered if Eddie would get his jackets, he wondered if they would discreetly hold hands more often, and Eddie was, to say the least, excited to find out.
However, the excitement was shattered one day, when Eddie had said the words he regretted saying the most.
“I think I might be in love with you.” Eddie told him one day. They were in the hallway, at Isaac’s locker. It wasn’t unnatural for Eddie to hang around Isaac’s locker, as they had been dating for months in secret, secret from nearly everyone.
Eddie hoped Isaac would smile and say he was falling in love with Eddie too, but instead, he got the opposite. Isaac had started laughing.
It wasn’t the laughing Eddie liked to hear, not the happy, contagious laughter. No, this was laughter of evil. Laughter of mock, though it was still loud.
“I knew a little fairy like you would be easy!” Isaac cackled. Isaac had at one point slammed his locker, gathering the attention of everyone in the hallway. “I fucking called it, I knew I could make a little fag fucking fall in love with me! The guys all owe me big fucking money now, all thanks to you, girly boy.” Isaac grinned, his grin menacing and evil. Eddie only knew a grin like that from nightmares.
As hot tears flowed down his cheeks, Eddie ran as far as he could from Isaac, as far as he could from the hallway.
It was three days since it happened. Eddie went back to school after, which was a mistake he had known was made the second he went into school. People stared, people whispered. They whispered rumors, things Eddie had never done. He heard stories of him getting down on his knees and do things he’s never done, he heard rumors about him doing things in classrooms. He could barely get through first period, going home instantly.
The next few days were spent in his house, he couldn’t face anyone. He didn’t want to hear about himself, he knew that none of it was true, but was true, was that he let Isaac love him, let him feel loved. He let Isaac touch him, and Eddie wished the truth was the story more than anything. No matter where he went, the stories were on a constant repeat in his mind, as if even the silence was whispering about him.
He hated it, he hated feeling like the whole town had known about him. He at least was praying to get through it without needing to dropout of High School all together.
Soon, his mother came in on a Saturday night. He was laid on his bed, crying again, thinking of his friends hearing the rumors. His friends, who he had ignored for months, his friends, who had been calling him, but Eddie hadn’t picked up for. Eddie doubted it even mattered, the calls stopped after Wednesday. None of them visited him or bothered to check in on him. So, he opted to ignore them. “Eddiebear, is true what the ladies in bookclub are saying about you and that… boy?” Sonia asked. Eddie wiped his teas, sniffling a bit. Before he could respond, she spoke again, this time her tone so much colder. “Judging by your crying I can tell it is true.”
Eddie felt the same anger he had felt that night he stopped ‘practice kissing’ Richie, standing up to face his mother for the second time in his life.
“Yes, it’s all true! I’m a big fucking faggot, what the fuck are you going to do about it? I love sucking dick and taking it up the ass, so what the fuck are you gonna do, you fucking wi-” Eddie was interrupted with a slap to the face, mostly shocking him. It hadn’t hurt in the moment, but he held his cheek despite it.
“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do,” Sonia began, an evil look in her eye as she spoke. “You’re going to either get the fuck out, or you’re getting sent to a conversion camp.” Her face twisting into an evil look. “You’re eighteen now, an adult, you make your choice Edward. Either way, I want you out of my house by tomorrow morning. Before I’m back from church.”
With that, Sonia left. Eddie sank back to the floor as he listened to her heavy footstep descend down the hall, and heard a far door slam. Eddie felt the pain in his cheek, he let the sting send him into another fit of tears. He listened to the conversations about him rerun in his head, listening to them speak about them in school that day was still something he wished he hadn’t heard. He felt himself crumpling to the ground, falling farther than his knees. He now laid on the floor, curled up.
Of course he didn’t want to go to a camp, so the only place he could really go was the streets. Even then, he couldn’t survive like that. A fresh start had to be made, maybe he could just skip town all together. Many people dropped out of high school and did just fine, maybe his story could be a similar one to that.
Besides, no one in this shithole town was going to miss him. The losers had made that fairly clear, and it wasn’t like his mother wanted him around. Maybe a fresh start was what he needed.
He shook as he got up, reaching for his duffle bag in his closet. Eddie felt himself crying more as he did, unzipping it and emptying it of whatever was inside of it. He began packing his things, thinking of how to even go about making a fresh start. He would probably just steal his mother’s credit card, get cash before she could freeze it. He knew all her pins, knew which card they belonged too, and it’s not like she had given him much of anything. Eddie wished more than anything for Richie to be by his side. He wished he was 16 again, and was ‘practice kissing’ Richie.
He wished for him more than anything in that moment, and maybe Eddie had wished hard enough, because a tap at his window pulled him from his thoughts. He wiped his tears, looking over, and seeing the man he wished for.
He felt himself cry more at the sight of Richie. Of course he looked messy, the bags under his eyes suggested a lack of sleep. His hair was obviously tangled, and he could tell Richie hadn’t showered in awhile. Maybe he hadn’t even changed his clothes. Either way, Eddie was opening his window again.
Richie tumbled through the window, and Eddie felt himself want to cry more as Richie gathered him in a hug. Eddie let himself cry.
“Spaghetti, what’s going on? You’ve been ghosting us for days, everyone’s been saying so much shit about you- are you packing?” Richie asked, petting his hair gently. Eddie only cried harder into Richie’s shoulder, a nod. Eddie pulled away, shaking and still crying. “Holy shit, did she do that to you?” Richie asked, thumbing over where Sonia had slapped him.
It had hurt when Richie did that, and Eddie winced away from the touch. He chose not to answer, “I’m leaving Derry. It’s either that or conversion therapy.” He explained, his voice tired and cracking. Richie shook his head.
“You’re coming with me, Eds. I’m not letting you go after everything.” Richie told him. Eddie furrowed his eyebrows, about to speak, thought Richie continued, “I know this is bad timing, you’re going through a heartbreak, and you didn’t have time to wait around for me to figure my shit out, but I- I fucking love you. And I don’t know what that even means for us, but I do know that no matter what, where you go, I’ll go. If you wanna go to some dumb fucking college, I’ll be getting into it too. If you want to move countries, fuck- continents, I’m there. I’m sorry it took so long for me to figure out, I was just-” And with that, Eddie dragged him down and kissed him.
He never loved Isaac, he realized.
Eddie Kaspbrak has always loved Richie Tozier.