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THE INCOMPLETE HISTORY OF SECRET ORGANISATIONS

CHAPTER 2 – VOLUNTEERING/RECRUITMENT

After an attempted schism within the organisation during May of [year redacted] rules of volunteering were changed.

OLD RECRUITMENT PROCESS;

Volunteers used to be recruited by V.F.D. at a very young age if they were seen by other volunteers to be observant, even those currently at apprenticeship. Neophytes, or young trainees of V.F.D., were carried away by their ankles in the middle of the night.

As it was on the day you officially joined the organization, you would hear a noise outside your home. It may sound like the howling of a wolf, the cawing of a crow or the turning of a page. The noise would come in the middle of the night, the middle of the morning, or, in very rare cases, late in the afternoon. Then when asking your parents what the noise was. If they reply "nothing," they are replying in code, because there is never "nothing" outside one's home. If you are interested in volunteering, answer your parents with the following question: 'if there's nothing out there, what was that noise?' We would be listening, and would know it is safe to act.

Recruitment has also been known to occur when a taxi driver attempts to show his passenger a photograph of a baby.

After being taken from their homes (with their parents' permission) neophytes were once taken to the V.F.D. Headquarters where each was given a commonplace book and trained throughout childhood and into adulthood in a particular topic that interested them. Before the attempted schism, Volunteers were required to get a tattoo of the V.F.D. insignia on their left ankles. Then when a volunteer graduates, they are to choose their chaperone and become an apprentice under them.

THE NEW PROCESS

However this method was eventually seen as unorthodox and traumatising to young children as they were considered too young to know their choices and may regret it in time.

Therefore on the orders of Jacob Snicket a normal American High School was created with the sole purpose of teaching and understanding future volunteers until their recruitment after graduation. They are taught the skills needed for the organisation as well as enjoying social freedom and a normal childhood. The children in this school are approached once they finish their junior year and if they are willing are placed within special VFD classes of their choice, these include;

Compulsory

• Code writing and reading
• Disguises and when to use them
• Fighting fires, literal and figurative
• Defence and martial arts
• How to use your spyglass and general maintenance
• The importance of teamwork and ‘friendship’ (includes sections of sexual health and VFD policies on inter-organisation relationships and pregnancy. See Chapter 16)

Optional

• Library sciences
• Rhetorical studies?
• Herpetology
• The importance of subtitles
• Optometry and hypnotism
• Faking your death and other ways of getting out of tricky situations

This school is known as Prufrock High School, after the closing of Prufrock Preparatory School it is run and maintained by aforementioned Jacob Snicket who also deals with recruitment personally.

After graduation of Prufrock High volunteers are still taken from their beds after the use of the old code with the permission of a parent, guardian or adult owner of the house they are residing and must then complete a challenging task to ensure they have what it takes to be a Volunteer Fire Department Volunteer.

Chapter Text

Olivia Caliban sat, as usual, alone in a corner of the public library while the other kids her age played outside and had loads of fun-filled summer months, this was mainly due to the fact that Olivia was an orphan and an outcast. Her parents died six months ago in a car crash, leaving their daughter and only child with an aunt who hated her and always kicked her out of the house because she was apparently in the way. She didn’t mind though really, as she was currently absorbed in a large books she’d found abandoned on a trolley called The Incomplete History of Secret Organisations.

“That is an interesting book you have there Olivia Caliban.” A deep voice said making her jump.

She looked up to see a large middle aged man with a kindly face, dark hair and perfectly framed eyebrows that raised in surprise at her reaction.

“I…uh, how do you know my name?” She asked looking around to found the library practically abandoned.

“We know quite a lot about you and your excellent librarian skills. We hid that book so you would find it, we would like to recruit you. Would you like to volunteer Olivia Caliban?” The man asked.

“The world is quiet here. But who are you?” Olivia answered the riddle as she’d read it.

“My name is Jacob Snicket, I work for VFD as well as the school you will have to attend before volunteering. Only Prufrock graduates can by volunteers, you shall have a lot of catching up to do but I think you can handle it. Someone shall pick you up in September, good luck Miss Caliban” Jacob said before leaving as silently he’d come.

Olivia returned to her book, trying to memorise as much as possible so she could fit in and hopefully finally make friends.

Meanwhile across the city, Count Olaf was sitting in the Snicket’s elaborate sitting room, playing video games with his best friend Lemony and Lemony’s older brother Jacques.

“You ready for the new term Laf, it’s our last one, can you believe it?” Lemony said not taking his eyes off the screen.

“No feels like just the other day we found you crying in the loos because you were homesick. We’d only been at Prufrock for an hour.” Jacques said laughing with Olaf and ducking at the pillow thrown at him.

“Hey Jac, can I have a lift on the first day? My bike is getting fixed, oh hey Olaf.” Kit said leaning on the doorframe grinning.

“Um, Uh, hi Kit, you look nice this morning. Not that you don’t always look nice, just more so this particular morning. Uh, yeah.” Olaf stuttered turning bright red.

“Awh thanks Laf, so are you taking anyone else?” Kit said chuckling as she asked her brother again.

“Yeah these two idiots, but there’s still room in the car, if you’re ok with that Olaf?” Jacques said with a teasing smile.

Kit laughed as she walked off and Olaf threw a pillow at Jacque as well, who ducked again.

“Hey Lem you still got your eyes on Ike’s sister. Better make a move before we graduate or she might be station somewhere else.” Jacques said changing the subject.

“Yeah I think I will, what about you? You can’t keep hiding behind your studies brother, gotta find yourself a girl or boy, at least get yourself laid this year. You’re too uptight, God knows you need it.” Lemony retorted.

“Well I got my hands full looking after you two fools, making sure he doesn’t set anything important on fire and you don’t go all dark, brooding narrator again when we go back. Now who wants tea?” Jacques said getting up from the sofa.

“No you always make it too bitter, can I have a hot chocolate?”

“You’re such a child.”

“Oh yeah, I wasn’t the one who almost pissed themselves at a horror movie last week.”

Jacques laughed as he left the two others to playfully argue, he knew that things would be a lot harder after graduation so he let them enjoy it but thought about what they had said while making the tea. He had always told interested girls and guys that he was too busy studying or playing for the sports team but the truth was he didn’t want to get close to someone who could be cruelly ripped away from him once he was in the organisation, either by the job or by death as it was dangerous. But joining up wasn’t a choice, it was a family tradition and Jacque was only glad that Lemony had managed to skip a few grades so him and Kit could somewhat protect him once inside.

He shook his head of the dreary thoughts and promised himself to just enjoy everything this year had to offer before he became a volunteer, he was going to have as much fun as possible and maybe even take the boys’ advice and see someone, well whatever happens this year, Jacques Snicket was going to take it as it came and what was it Kit said once.

Carpe Diem.

Chapter Text

Olivia arrived at Prufrock with apprehension, clutching her bag that was filled with lots of books including The Incomplete History (that the nice librarian had let her keep around August, after months of her reading nothing else) which was starting to hurt her shoulder, she hoped there were lockers, and of course a well-stocked library.

“Hey, are you Olivia Caliban.” A voice said from behind her.

She turned to see two girls of her age, one was tall with red hair and a mischievous grin who looked kind of like the guy who’d volunteered her and the other was of medium height with dark hair and an intelligent look in her blue eyes. She nodded, feeling nervous all of a sudden.

“I’m Kit Snicket and this is Beatrice Anwhistle, my dad asked me to give you a tour, he was the one that recruited you.” Kit said with a welcoming smile.

You don’t be nervous, it’s a lot to take in and daunting as hell but everyone here’s had a first day too and anyway you’ve already got two friends so you’ll fit right in.” Beatrice said sympathising with Olivia’s feelings.

“She’s right, don’t worry Dad said your super smart, so you’ll fit right in, now let’s go start the tour.” Kit said skipping away beaming while Beatrice shrugged when Olivia looked at her.

“She’s a bundle of energy, you get used to it.” Beatrice said as they followed their tour guide.

“This is the canteen, we eat and sometimes the dance group do flashmobs here, the food is…OK.” Kit said with a slight grimace.

The canteen was deserted and pretty big with lots of table inside and out of the bay windows along the side.

“That’s the main building where most of our classes are but don’t worry about that because all the seniors are together this year with Very Fancy Degrees, you know. Now this is the drama hall, stage, lights all that stuff.” Beatrice showed as they entered a large hall with a stage at the end and stacks of chairs at the side.

“Hey, this is a power house of entertainment and talent, not just ‘lights and stuff.’ Hello Bea, how is your first day going? Oh is this the girl Dad was talking about, I’m Lemony Snicket, nice to meet you.” Lemony said jumping down from the stage to shake Olivia’s hand.

“Olivia Caliban, um don’t we have classes and things now?” She asked addressing all three confused.

“We don’t have anything till after lunch, Dad wanted you to get to know your way around and meet everyone in the team.” Kit said helpfully.

When Oliva looked confused at who ‘the team’ were a voice answered from somewhere above them.

“She means all the seniors, there’s not many of us and we’re a team because we’re gonna need to stick together when all the volunteer stuff happens after graduation.” Olivia looked up to see a wiry boy holding a screwdriver behind a stage light, he gave a small wave in greeting before returning to his fiddling of the light.

“That’s Olaf, he’s never far away from Lemony, they’re inseparable and cuz Lem is still our baby brother, Jacques is usually not far behind the two.” Kit said as they said their goodbyes and continued the tour.

“These are the playing fields, bleaches and the three under them are our polyamory friends Hugo, Kevin and Colette, they’re in our year but they look busy so you can say hi later.” Bea said blushing as the three girls saw the two boys making out while the girl sat between them, her hands in two very obvious places.

“Now the place you’re probably looking forward to the most. The library.” Bea said throwing open the doors to a very impressive library making Olivia gasp.

“Hey Liv not that we’re trying to ditch you or anything but do you think we could leave you here for a bit, we gotta go talk to the boys about the drama production. It’s that ok?” Kit said looking unsure about leaving her.

“Yeah its fine, I’ll love it here, I’d stay here for day if I could, I’ll see you guys later then.” Olivia said.

“Of course, remember what Laf said, we’re a team. Meet you in the canteen at lunch, don’t worry there’ll be a bell.” Beatrice said before both girls hugged Olivia and left.

She walked over to a cluster of tables to see a group of people sat around one, they looked around her age and were discussing something quietly. She debated going over before one of them noticed her and smiled broadly.

“Hello you must be the new senior, we were wondering when you’d arrive. I’m Charles, it’s nice to meet you. We’re all seniors too; this is Jerome, Fernald, Lucafont (or Orlando, it changes), Hector, Esme, Mark and Belle. We’re currently doing some research on the literature usually used in VFD for codes and stuff but there’s also lots of reading for the enjoyment of it, it’s a bit of both really. Do you want to go find something, you can leave your bag here if you want, we’ll get you a chair.” Charles said kindly.

She did as suggested and wondered around the library mentally cataloguing everything they had, the bookshelves went all the way up to the ceiling and tall sliding ladders were dotted around the place. She smiled when she reached the poetry, happy to see they had two whole floor-to-ceiling shelves of it, reaching for Emily Barrett Browning with a look of familiarity as she pulled it out. She was just about to open it when a boy literally crashed into her, not looking where he was going, head in a book and his large frame sent them both tumbling to the ground, sending Olivia’s glasses scattering across the floor.

She opened her eyes to see a blurry vision of dark hair and concerned eyes, the boy was very close and once he realized this he blushed and sat up, resting his back on the bookshelves and helping her do the same before retrieving her glasses for her. She watched as he cleaned them before placing them on gently back on her face.

“You ran me over.” She said quite annoyed and a bit flustered.

“A thousand pardons ma’am, I didn’t intend to hurt you and I’ll never forgive myself.” He said looking sincere and slightly panicked.

“Never?” She said with a small teasing smile.

“Well, not for a long time.” He said before getting up, he picked up the two dropped books and looked down at her before holding out his free hand.

“Sorry again, do you need a hand up.” He said politely with his own secret smile that made Olivia’s smile flutter.

She smiled and took his hand to help her stand thinking he would let go after that, he then reached the hand up to his mouth and pressed a small kiss to his knuckles all the while keeping eye contact with her blushing face.

“Good choice on poetry, happy reading Olivia Caliban.” The boy said before handing her the book and walking in the other direction.

It was only after she left that she realized she didn’t know his name just that he had an extremely handsome face that made her feel giddy and safe at the same time. She only realized when she returned to the study table that the mystery boy that swapped their books around, she smiled softly as she looked at the cover of Edgar Allen Poe’s poems and short stories and brushed her fingers softly along her kissed hand, still feeling the warmth of the boy.

Chapter Text

She walked to the canteen with Hector to see the others, who had left early, already sat around a large table talking with their heads together. They stopped when they saw Olivia arrive which made her nervous and worry they were talking about her, but before she could ask Kit and Bea stood up and said they’d get food with her.

The queue was long so once they were stood at the end of it the two girls encircled the new student with equally mischievous smiles.

“So how did you find the library, see anyone interesting?” Kit asked in a way that obviously stated she knew what happened.

“Uh. Um, no, just the others you know they were in a study group and yeah, you know, that’s it.” Olivia stuttered going red.

“Awh your cute when you’re nervous, Jerome saw my idiot brother crash into you and then apparently flirt with you and apparently you were joining in so we have decided to include you into our little club.” Kit said lowering her voice to a whisper at the end.

“What club, wait your brother, but I already met Lemony and it defiantly wasn’t him.” Olivia asked confused.

“It was Jacques my twin, the eldest by five minutes, he’s turned every guy and girl since freshman year, we were starting to think he was asexual, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Bea tell her about the club.” Kit said with a wink at the other girl.

“Basically I like Lemony, Kit likes Olaf and you like Jacques, those three are always together so we need to get them together. We know they like us back, well at least Olaf who makes it incredibly obvious by turning into a stuttering mess, you should see it its adorable and Kit heard the boys talking and Lemony apparently likes me back and if you and Jacques hit off so well you’d make a great pair so we have a plan.” Bea said looking giddy with excitement at their plan.

“The boys are not only in the drama club they’re on the baseball team, so we should join the cheerleading squad.” Kit declared.

“Um, I don’t know if I feel comfortable doing that, I can’t dance and I’m self-conscience about the skirts and I-” Olivia protested before both girls placed a hand each on her shoulder with a supportive look.

“Girl, you’re hot and Jacques will defiantly see that, we’ll make you a deal, if you join the cheer team with us, we’ll join the book club with you. Deal?” Kit said refusing to be put off.

Olivia thought, she did like the boy from the library who she now knew was Jacques Snicket and she loved having friends who were there for her and didn’t judge or ostracise her because of her bookish-ness, so she agreed and joined in the girls squealing, giggling and planning.

“Trust me if we don’t have those boys by the Winter Ball there’s something wrong with them.” Kit declared.

Olivia laughed with her friends looking over to see Jacque was sat at the seniors table looking over at her, when she caught his gaze he looked down a small pink blush dusting his cheeks. She couldn’t stop smiling as she collected her food, simply happy to be included and maybe soon even loved, by one very handsome reader.

Meanwhile a similar plan was being created in the drama hall. The boys had met up there to discuss their next production which is where the conversation had gone off course.

“So Jerome said you were flirting with the new girl and I mean I though he was bullshitting but that blush tells all.” Lemony said with a smirk.

“Ask her out man, you need to, remember what we said, you need to get some or it’ll kill you and I girlfriend might make you ease up a bit more.” Olaf said gesturing to the stiff set of Jacques’ shoulders.

“Man, we know you’re worried about what’s going to happen after graduation, we all are because no one will tell us what exactly it is but you can’t let it eat you up, we still have months here and we have to make the most of it. Talk to her, after out after the first game, we all will, it’s a great plan.” Lemony said to which the other two looked sceptical.

“A triplet date? What if they just think we’re hanging out?” Laf asked.

“Don’t worry, we just have to sit next to the girls and like hold hands and stuff, I don’t know.” Lemony suggested shrugging.

“Awh look at our baby brother, trying to talk to scary girls. Come on kiddo, let’s go get lunch.” Jacques said ruffling Lemony’s hair.

“Can we still do my plan?” He asked as they walked.

“Sure, what the hell, let’s do it.” Jacques with a laugh.

Chapter Text

Two weeks later and it was club sign-up day, it was a fair with tents and stalls dotted around with everyone smiling and waving petitions and sheets around with free sweets for the easy students. Olivia walked happily around with Kit and Bea stopping sometimes to sign up for things.

“Well if it isn’t the most beautiful ladies in school.” Olaf said winking at Kit from the Drama Club stand.

“Flattery will only get you half the way Laf, you’ve got to sell the club as well.” Kit quipped.

“Join the drama club, we meet Wednesday nights and put on two productions a year, our first one this year is Dr Horrible. You gain lots of skills from joining such as teamwork, acting and fun. It’s great.” Orlando/Lucafont read from a placard in a monotone voice.

“Wow sounds captivating.” Bea said sarcastically but signed the sheet anyway.

Both Kit and Olivia sign up too, at which the boys smiled.

“Where’s the other two?” Kit asked looking around.

“Jacque is one baseball and Lem’s on writing club, being all morbid and shit like usual.” Laf answered making the girls laugh.

The thing with Lemony is that he didn’t always fit in due to being two years younger but he was an exceptional writer however most of what he wrote ended up being very unfortunate and depressing. But they accepted because that was simply Lemony’s style, he revelled in making the world look greyer and bleaker than it was, which would cause his family to worry if it was in any other aspect of him other than his writing.

On passing the writing club stand they saw Lemony talking to someone so simply gave a wave as they past and continued on to the sports stalls. Olivia cringed when she saw Cheerleading was ironically right next to baseball and a grinning Jacques. He looked shocked when they all put their names on the cheer team but smiled politely anyway when they wondered over.

“Cheer team really? Didn’t think that was your thing sis.” Jacques said with a knowing smile.

“Though it would be good for a change and Bea and Liv said they’d do it with me, all the other girls are doing it too.” Kit said logically.

“She’s right, Colette is doing along with Esme, Belle and Georgina. Did you guy hear the other news?” Kevin said from next to the eldest Snicket.

“No what news?”

“Mark and Belle are getting hitch and it’s not shotgun either Mark told Jerome their doing it because they just love each other. I can’t wait, you girls must come dress shopping with me, do you think we’ll be bridesmaids, oh weddings are so in.” Esme gushed appearing behind them with Georgina next to her.

“Oh hey Esme, hi Georgie, that’s wonderful news but I think it’s up to them and um, we don’t really do shopping.” Kit answered much less enthusiastically.

Esme looked down at her phone before she began typing and ignored the people in front of her.

“That’s too bad, gotta go Jerome wants to go bowling ugh, Ciao.” She said distractedly already walking away.

“Does she know it Ciao means hello?”

“Probably not, between us I don’t think she’ll make it very far next year.” Jacques whispered looking concerned.

“Um, hi, can I sign up?” A voice from behind the girls asked.

The boy was tall and muscular with brown hair and think rimmed glasses that hid stormy hazel eyes

“Sure Bertie.”

“Wow you’ve changed a lot over the summer.” Bea said shocked.

“Thank you Beatrice, I had a growth spurt and played lots of sports at camp. I was wondering if you’d like to go see Aliens on the Moors on Saturday.” The boy asked with a dazzling smile.

“Sorry I can’t we’ve got a sleepover on Saturday, maybe some other time.” Bea answered with a polite smile.

It was only Olivia who noticed Lemony standing behind one of the stalls, a heartbroken look on his face as Beatrice and Bertrand talked and smiled before he walking off together in search of some other clubs. She then decided to take pity on the boy and followed him over to the bleachers, watching as he sat down sadly looking at his feet.

“Lemony? Are you ok?” She asked watching as the boy looked up with tears in her eyes.

From here she could see why Jacques and most of the whole year wanted to protect him, whereas they were technically all almost 18 and therefore adults, this boy was just that. A 16 year old in a world of adults, lies and secret organisations, he was sensitive and vulnerable and right now he was heartbroken thinking he had lost a girl that had never really been his.

“Beatrice, when we first met, you were pretty and I was lonely. Now I am pretty lonely.” He read out from a notebook brokenly.

“When did you first meet?” She asked sitting next to him.

“Kit brought her home after her first day of freshman year, I had already skipped one grade by then so I was only a year below them, she helped me with some of my homework and continued to do so for years, she mostly the reason I’m here not a sophomore. I really like her, I don’t know what to do, do you think she likes Berty more because you saw him, he filled out over the summer.” Lemony worried sadly.

“I think she likes you Lem, you just have to show her you do.” Olivia said comfortingly making Lemony remember the plan he made with Jacques and Laf

“Hey you two just vanished, are you ok Lemony?” Jacques asked running over looking worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine now, we’d better go now. See you at practice tomorrow Olivia.” Lemony said with a very thankful smile.

Jacques looked confused but followed his brother only looking once over his shoulder at a bemused Olivia still sat under the bleachers.

Chapter Text

The next day went like usual only differing from the previous ones in that it was the girls first day of cheerleading practice and the boys of baseball and also because it was a Friday and that made the teens happy and restless for all their weekend plans. The girls planned to have a sleepover on Saturday ironically at the same the time the boys were planning on having one but neither party knew this yet.

“Oh my God, this is so short, I feel naked.” Olivia said trying to pull the uniform down more.

The other girls in the locker room laughed and soon forgot about her worries once they got on the field and the girls started gossiping about the boys that were on the next pitch over.

Lemony was extremely bored as was Olaf while Jacques seemed to be in his element and having fun running around and hitting things with a bat. Coach Genghis had put the drama kids on pitching along with Hugo and Jerome, who also looked like they’d rather be anywhere else. Suddenly Kevin gave a loud whistle from the batting place causing all the boys to follow his gaze to the girls.

Lemony, Olaf and Jacques looked gobsmacked as the girls paraded around in front of them, stretching and touching their toes. Olaf made a small noise in the back of his throat when they did the latter and as Jacques distractedly Kevin took the opportunity to hit it causing a hilarious chain reaction of the ball hitting Olaf in the head where it then bounced off and his Lemony in the stomach. This caused both boys to fall to the ground in agony and made everyone, boys and girls, to laugh long and hard.

“Get your heads in the game boys, I’ve seen more skill from a dead horse.” Coach shouted once the laughter stopped.

“Well, at least they can’t be beat.” Olaf said absently, standing and rubbing his head.

“Five laps for the lip, Count Boy.” The coach sneered making Olaf sigh.

As he ran he thought about the nickname, everyone when knew he was a Viscount because his parents were a Count and Countess but that also meant they were constantly away on business, Olaf from infancy had been raised by nannies, tutors and forgetful relatives only seeing his parents on special occasions such as the Christmas ball they yearly held and the New Year’s Eve one, however his birthday and productions didn’t count as that so a card and gift-wrapped unsentimental present was always sent instead. There was also the pyromaniac problem, the therapist said it was due to his resentment at his parents’ absence from his life. When after he had almost been arrested for setting fire to a skip outside someone’s house that then very nearly spread to the house, Jacob had bailed him out on the condition he never set any fires again unless for his own survival and got him the therapist.

The lonely castle and its frosty staff is the therefore the main reason he had spent most of his time at the Snicket’s since freshman year, at the start of sophomore year Jacob had given him is own key and let him have the guest bedroom he used the most when he stayed. He loved it there, the sound of Mrs Snicket making dinner and the three siblings bickering always filled him with a happiness he’d never felt at the grand castle his parents owned, no the Snickets Mansion, with all its warmth and laughter filled rooms, was his real home.

He was shaken out of his thoughts by a soft hand on his shoulder.

“Olaf, you ok? Practice is over, you did six laps instead of five.” Kit said with a concerned look.

“Oh um, I was kinda lost in thought, did you want to get something to eat with me and the other Snickers? Olivia and Bea too.” He asked proud to not have stuttered once this time.

“Sure Laf, sounds fun, I’ll meet you guys in the car park. Jac is driving right?” Kit said before skipping off.

Ten minutes later Olaf, Lemony and Jacques were stood in front Jacques yellow car as the girls emerged from the changing rooms.

“Hello boys, where are we going then? I’m starving.”

“Shotgun.” All of them but Jacques shouted before anyone could answer.

“Olivia gets shotgun, you’ve all been in there at least once she hasn’t.” Jacques reasoned at the groans, ignoring the knowing looks.

It was a tight squeeze in the back with the girls in the middle and the boys squashed between them and the window. Which they didn’t seem to mind, while struggling to get comfortable Olaf released his arm from between him and Kit and placed it behind her back looking out of the window to hide his blush. Lemony however was much less subtle, he moved his hand from his lap to on top of Bea and threading his fingers through hers, she smiled and squeezed his hand not even trying to hide her grin.

“Café Salmonella or the Anxious Clown? There’s nothing much else really, it’s a dismally small town.” Jacques told Olivia as they drove.

“Um the latter, I wouldn’t trust somewhere that’s named after a disease.” Olivia replied readily.

“Good choice, in that case I’ll have to turn back, hold onto something sturdy.” Jacques informed everyone in the car.

At this he was taken slightly by surprise when Olivia placed a firm hand on his shoulder, a quirky smile on her face at his shocked expression.

Once they reached the restaurant they filed out to see the place empty with Larry looking bored at the front desk, he perked up once they entered and rushed to get them seated, handing them all menus while he babbled about the specials.

“Not very busy tonight, the world is quiet here.” Lemony said making Larry’s face light up.

“Oh, I didn’t know this was a sad occasion, how are you all, you must be Olivia, I’m Larry-Your-Waiter and I’ll shall be serving you all during this experience of Very Fine Dining. The usual for you guys I take it? What can I get you Olivia?” Larry said pretty quickly.

“Um a cheeseburger with all the stuff, onion rings and a coke please.” Olivia said famished.

She was extremely grateful when no one question her food choice and they all settled into happy conversation, laughing and grinning as they ate.

“Uh, I think I left my purse in the car, I’ll just go get it. Can I have the keys?” Bea said standing up once they’d finished their food.

Jacques rolled his eyes fondly at his friend’s forgetfulness before throwing her the keys, he looked confused when Lemony stood up a few moments later, saying he was going to the toilet. However as everyone noticed he walked out of the front door rather than the back, where the toilets were.

Outside it was just starting to get chilly as the sun had set, but it was a strange time just after summer but before autumn, when simply a light jacket or long sleeve top was needed. He watched as Bea collected her purse and turned, jumping slightly when she saw him, she then locked the car and came towards him.

“Lem, is everything ok?” She asked looking around as though they were going to be pulled by the ankles and recruited right this moment. Lemony took a deep breath, he had to do this now, before Berty convinced her on a date, before graduation and recruitment and everything to come.

“I like you. A lot, your beautiful and smart and strong, I like how you can kick my ass if needed both literally and figuratively, you got me into this year and have saved my life more time than I can count. So um, do you want to go see a movie or something?” He asked.

He left so much more unsaid, the letters he’d written, the poems and dedication but he didn’t want to scare her with too much feeling. He loved her and he had a slight hope she at least liked him but she was older and friends with his sister and so many things could go wrong with this. He shouldn’t have said anything, he should’ve staying in the restaurant with the others, now he was out here looking like a fool, a love-sick kid with a crush who-

She cut off his racing thoughts with a kiss.

Chapter Text

The next day Olivia rode her bike over to the Snicket Mansion in the afternoon with a backpack of clothes and books. She was breath-taken when she reached the mansion, it was massive, four floors and an enormous garden both in front and around the back, it was only beaten by the Olaf Castle by two more floors but this mansion looked a lot more homely, at least three cars and a motorbike in the drive and the smell of food wafting from an open window on the ground floor. She took a deep breath as she left bike next to the gate and walked up to knock on the door, it swung open almost instantly to show a kind looking middle age lady dressed in a floral dress and flour dusted apron.

“Oh hello, you must be Olivia, I’m Julie Snicket, it’s wonderful to meet you, gosh you’re all my kids can talk about sometimes. Come in, come in, the kids are in the family room, would you like something to drink.” Julie said in a happy rush waving her in and down the corridor to where she could hear arguing.

“No, you had the family room last time, go use the upstairs sitting room, we’ve got Olivia too, its only fair, she’s never been here before.” Kit said glaring at her brothers.

Olivia watched from the doorway as Kit argued with Jacques and Olaf while Bea and Lemony simply watched slightly bemused from where they were curled up on the sofa. It seemed Kit had now realised the sleepover clashes and was arguing about who got the family room, the most comfy room, with three sofas, a flatscreen TV with games consoles and a fire.

“Oh, hey Liv, you’re early.” Bea said noticing her over the ageing trio.

“Yeah there was a dinner party, so I sort of got kicked out.” Olivia said shrugging.

This was met with shocked silence making Olivia feel self-conscious, looking at her feet.

“Well you’re in the right place Olivia Caliban, this house, or more specifically my children, have a knack for taking in strays.” Jacob said appearing next to her with a tray of drinks.

“The boss asked me to bring these in and I shall go over the rules again.” The father said entering the room.

Once he placed the drinks down everyone took a seat around him, listening intently although almost all of them had heard this many times before.

“Boys you’re in the upstairs sitting room, no arguments. Now I don’t want any drinking, smoking or shenanigans, following on from that you shall not enter the other party’s room. No excessively loud entertainment, meaning if it wakes up me or your mother you shall all be in trouble. If you’re going to go for a late night swim swimming clothes must be worn and one person needs to stay out and lifeguard. Ok that’s it, snacks are in the pantry, there’s enough to go round so no fighting and dinner is in an hour so don’t eat anything yet. Any questions?” Jacob finished, hands clasped as though finishing a presentation.

The kids all shook their heads and then Olivia found herself at a dinner table surrounded by a clamour of voices and laughter, it was intense and amazing, feeling a part of a big happy family, she found herself smiling, which Olaf saw when as leaned over to talk to her.

“It’s awesome right? Jake was right though they do take in a lot of strays, all of the year have stayed here at some point, it’s a safe house, a sanctuary and most of all its home.” He said with a fond smile as they both looked around the table.

“Yeah, I think it’s beginning to feel like that.” Olivia agreed with a smile.

Before she knew it the girls were sat on a mound of blankets and pillows on the ground of the sitting room, the TV was on in but none of them were watching it instead they ate their snacks and tried to find out all they could about their new friend and also the new relationships developing.

“Ok spill Caliban, we want to know all about you, where did you go before this? What’s your favourite colour? Book? Food? The floor is yours.” Kit babbled before going silent both girls staring at Olivia.

“Ok um well before this I went to Liberty High, I had like a few people that knew me but no real friends and then my parents died just before I finished Junior year and I was moved away to live with my aunt who I think hates me. My favourite colour is red, books; well there’s a long list, food; pasta puttanesca.” Olivia said with a smile.

Bea nodded along in approval to her things listed while Kit looked lost in thought before speaking up.

“Wasn’t Liberty the one in the news a lot in the last few days?” She asked slightly concerned.

“And the one we’re going to with the baseball team, to cheer them on.” Bea added wincing.

“Yes but I left just after Hannah died, I wasn’t really involved with anything in that school, I was a background character, they probably won’t remember me when we go there.” Olivia admitted with a shrug.

“How could they forget you you’re awesome Olivia, Jacques certainly thinks so.” Kit said with a smirk. “And on that note, tell us all about your date with baby Snicket, we want to know every little details.” Kit said turning her attention to Bea with a large grin.

“Baby Snicket, Really? He’s that much younger than us.” Bea defended good-naturedly.

“He only just learnt to drive, he’s an adorable baby, so stop stalling and tell us all about last night.” Kit said hitting Bea softly with a pillow.

“OK, ok, after you guys went home we managed to catch the last showing of Aliens on the Moors, it was…odd, there was Sebald code but we don’t have spyglasses yet so to us it was just a strange movie with odd moments of song. Even Lemony agreed it was bad and he’s a drama/musicals nerd, after about halfway through we got bored so we um just made out. After the film we went to get root beer floats at The Sugar Bowl and talked for a while about ourselves and each-other and just kinda everything in general, then he walked me home. It was really nice, I think we’re going to do it again, I hope we are.” Bea said with a love-struck smile.

“Oh my god Olivia, she’s done for look at those heart eyes. However I’m surprise Olaf didn’t show up at some point, those two are usually like tied at the hip.” Kit joked.

“Yeah he did talk a lot about how good friends they are, was it ever anything else?” Bea asked intrigued.

“No never, this one time though after they been friends for about a year me and Jac thought there was something going on or at least there was the potential for it, so we picked them both for seven minutes in heaven and they literally just sat there playing rock, paper, scissors the whole bloody time and we also dared them to kiss once, they did but then they didn’t dwell on it.  So we gave up, they would be cute though and Olaf is bi so it could’ve happened if my brother wasn’t so straight.” Kit said shrugging absently.

“Olaf is bi?” Olivia asked kinda shocked.

“Yeah, most of the people in our year are some type of LGBT, first you’ve got Orlando/Lucafont he’s gender fluid, Olaf is bi and so is Fernald because they dated in freshman year. Esme is currently using Jerome as her beard and we’ve got money on when she’ll ditch him and give into her heart eyes for Georgina, Kevin is pan and his partners are too. Hector has a massive crush on Charles and both of them are super gay so I guess Mark, Belle, Jerome, Lemony and you are the only straight ones, unless I’m just making assumptions?” Bea asked

“I’m bi, what about you and Jacques?” Olivia asked.

“I hooked up with Esme at a party once and Jacque once had a drunken foursome with Colette and the boys.” Kit admitted bursting out laughing to which the girls followed.

MEANWHILE UPSTAIRS

“So she did she actually like the root beer float or was she just humouring you?” Olaf asked with a smirk.

“Why it’s a great drink.” Lemony shot back.

“I don’t like root beer floats, I find the mixing of ice-cream and soda to be a beverage abomination, just like Jac’s tea. Uff.” Olaf groaned as a pillow hit him on the side of the head.

“You take that back, my tea is the best, it’s made the way tea should be.” Jac said jumping on the other boy to wrestle.

“Agh ok ok, I take it back.” Olaf chocked out from within a headlock.

“Ok I forgive you, wanna watch Doctor Who?” Jac said climbing back onto the sofa.

“Definitely” Lemony said with a grin.

The boys watched TV, played video games and chatted before getting bored around 3am, at which point they decided to go for a spontaneous swim.

“Come on, Jac text the girls, they can meet us down there.” Lemony said before they split up to change.

Jacques began to type a text to Kit before having a better idea.

[Jacques Snicket created a group]

Kit Snicket: Why Jac?

Jacques Snicket: We’re going swimming, meet you girls at the pool ;)

Olivia Caliban: Is it safe?

Lemony Snicket: Yes the shark died ages ago :D

Kit Snicket: But what about the sting rays? :O

Beatrice Anwhistle: THE JELLYFISH!!

Count Olaf: …

Count Olaf: I think ur mum shrunk my trunks in the wash.

Jacques Snicket: there’s spares in the cupboard on floor two.

[Kit Snicket set the nickname for Jacques Snicket to The Dad TM]

The Dad TM: Really, you wanna start a nickname war? Do u know what ur getting into little sis.

Kit Snicket: BY TWO MINUTES

[The Dad TM set the nickname for Kit Snicket to The Forgotten Middle Child]

[Beatrice Anwhistle set the nickname for Lemony Snicket to Baby Snicket]

Baby Snicket: Hey!

Beatrice Anwhistle: Soz, Kit made me do it x

[Baby Snicket set the nickname for Beatrice Anwhistle to Actually Likes Phantom Menace]

Actually Likes Phantom Menace: Traitor x

The Forgotten Middle Child: GASP, WTF BEA WHYYYY?!?

Olivia Caliban: I agree with Kit here WTF? How can anyone like that one?

[The Forgotten Middle Child set the nickname for Olivia Caliban to Cute Secret Nerd]

The Dad TM: Cute? Something u wanna tell us Kitty? ;)

The Forgotten Middle Child: No, might make you jealous J

Count Olaf: Ew

[Count Olaf set his own nickname to The Only Flirting I Do is With Fire]

The Forgotten Middle Child: Laf u don’t get to pick your own nickname it’s a nickname war rn, stop cheating.

[The Forgotten Middle Child change the nickname of The Only Flirting I Do is With Fire to One Eyebrow instead of two]

One Eyebrow instead of two: Ouch, now you’ve made it personal.

[One Eyebrow instead of two changed the nickname of Forgotten Middle Child to Not a Natural Redhead]

Cute Secret Nerd: GASP! WHATTTT??

Actually Likes Phantom Menace: I knew it, Olivia owes me ten bucks now yay :D x

Baby Snicket: Not to interrupt but can we go swimming now plz.

Not a Natural Redhead: Sure, but one last thing, what do you get when me, Jac and Lem walk into a bar?

Actually Likes Phantom Menace: Oh god this already sounds cheesy. x

[Not a Natural Redhead changed the group name to a Snickers bar]

[Baby Snicket changed the nickname of Not a Natural Redhead to Dad Jokes and Worse]

One Eyebrow instead of two: SWIMMING GUYS PLZ

Dad Jokes and Worse: Ok alright, be there in 5.

The rest of the night was an excited blur for Olivia, the swimming was a lot of fun with splashing, dunking and some on-shoulder-wrestling. Olivia noticed Lemony sticking close to Bea and saw they steal a kiss or two when no one was looking, she also saw Olaf very obviously checking out Kit in her bikini and by the way Kit flipped her hair and smiled at him while she entered the pool, she noticed it too.

But what Olivia didn’t notice (Everyone but Olivia and Jac did) was the heated and lingering looks the eldest Snicket was casting at Olivia when she wasn’t looking and if he disappeared to the bathroom quickly once everyone exited the pool, no one said anything except shared a look, laughter sparkling in their eyes.

Chapter Text

The next morning around lunchtime Olivia went back home, she couldn’t stop smiling so happy about having such a good time with her friends but also barely able to stay awake due to a lack of sleep. She staggered up the stairs and walked towards the bathroom, not noticing her cousin Carmelita as she exited Olivia’s room and returned to hers, Olivia simply had a shower and napped for the rest of the Sunday, not knowing her life was about to take a drastic turn.

“YOU STOLE IT! WHERE IS IT? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH IT, YOU LITTLE WRETCH!” Her aunt’s screaming awoke her the next morning.

The older woman roughly grabbed her niece and hauled her out of her bed, clawing at the sheets and picking up the mattress until they both saw something. Nestled under the bed in the corner of the room was simple gold wedding ring on a fine silver chain.

There was two things Olivia knew for certain in this moment; the first was that the item was her deceased uncle’s wedding ring, the only thing her aunt had left of the man she loved from the fire and the second was that she was utterly screwed.

In both cases she was right.

The anger that crossed her aunt’s face was expected, the backhand across the face so hard it split her lip open was not expected and all Olivia could do afterwards was stand there shocked and hurt as her guardian and family member shouted constant abuse at her and began to throw all her things on the bed for the girl to pack.

“Get out of my house, you’re not welcome here anymore, I don’t want thieves around my daughter.” Her aunt screeched before leaving the room.

Olivia didn’t wait around for her to take it back or apologise, she grabbed as much stuff as she could carry and ran, clearly hearing Carmelita laughing at her retreating back, wiping the blood off her chin when she reached her destination.

The library was barely open when she arrived and the librarian simple gave her a small smile as she took a seat in the corner. She didn’t cry, she did what she always did when she was hurt, she read and before she knew it, it was afternoon as she had lots of missed calls and messages.

Snickers bar – unread messages

Dad Jokes and Worse 09:00: Hey Caliban, u ill?

Baby Snicket 10:00: Dad just asked if I broke the rules and ur hungover, u gotta come in and help declare our innocence.

The Dad TM 11:00: @Olivia Caliban, where r u?

Dad Jokes and Worse 14:00: r u ok?

One Eyebrow Instead of two 15:00: Fernald’s sister heard what happened from that horrible cousin of urs.

Baby Snicket 15:02: What the count so badly means is we’re coming to get you, ur not alone.

Actually Like Phantom Menace 15:05: My bf is trying not to sound stalkerish but failing, it means we’re ur friends and we’re gonna comfort u.

Cute Secret Nerd 15:10: You don’t need to do that, I’m fine and u don’t even know where I am anyway.

Olivia put her phone down after replying and returned to her book without even looking up and missing the five teens entering the library and almost giving the elderly librarian a heart attack at having so many people inside the barely used library at one time.

“We do, where else would you be?” Kit asked making her look up.

They were all stood there, looking both concerned and angry when they saw her split lip, Jacques looked like he was going to take Olaf’s way of dealing with things and set fire to the house of this horrendous aunt and annoying cousin and everyone else looked like they could support this idea.

“Come on Olivia Caliban, we’re going home.” Jacques said holding out his hand to the girl.

She didn’t argue, too tired and upset at this point to say anything except give her friends a small grateful smile before they all piled into the old yellow car relaxing with the smell of leather and the quiet murmurs of the four teens squashed in the back. When they arrived at the Snicket Mansion Jacques grabbed her bags from the boot and the other shuffled her into the house and then downstairs to a small basement door.

“Its class movie night and we usually host, but if you don’t feel up to it that’s fine, we don’t want to overwhelm you after what you’ve been through.” Kit said placing a comforting hand on Olivia’s arm.

“No its fine, I want to join in.” Olivia said with a smile that didn’t really reach her eyes.

“OK but if at any point you want to leave you can, no one will judge.” Beatrice said kindly.

“Does everyone know?” Olivia asked wincing.

“Yes but they’re not going to say anything, don’t worry.” Lemony said.

Olivia took a deep breath and steeled herself, so head high and completely composed she pushed the door open and entered a large cinema room and immediately heard Fernald, Georgina and Hugo arguing while everyone else watched with amused expressions.

“It’s much better, that one just acts like being bi is a stopping point to being fully gay.” Fernald said passionately holding up a copy of Love Simon.

“No it doesn’t it shows a person coming to terms with their sexuality gradually and when that happens the labels, which I don’t agree on in the first place, sometimes change.” Hugo argued trying to stay calm.

“Why is it all boy on boy action here, can’t we have something that focuses on everyone, all labels and genders and stuff.” Georgina butted in looking pissed off.

“OK OK everyone calm down, what’s the problem?” Jacques shouted from the doorway.

“It’s pride month but they can’t seem to agree on a film, oh hi Olivia.” Lucafont said smiling at the girl.

“Alright well what are the choices?” Jacques said calmly, walking over to the arguing trio.

“We managed to narrow it down to Love Simon, Alex Truelove, Pride or Carol.” Georgina supplied shrugging.

“Ok well I think we need the theme should be on friendship right now so we’re watching the Perks of being a Wallflower and it does have some lgbt characters so, any arguments?” Jacques said and smiled when no one argued.

Everyone stood up to go get a seat when Olivia noticed a small girl with brown skin and a bright smile who looked about six, the thing that stuck out most to Olivia though was the black eye she was shockingly sporting.

“Hi I’m Fiona, my brother said you were nice so I got suspended for fighting Carmelita.” Fiona said brightly grinning to show Olivia one missing front tooth.

“Yeah you think she looks bad you should see your cousin and before you say anything we didn’t tell her to do it, I actively discouraged it but my little sister here is a force to be reckoned with and no one can really tell what not to do sometimes.” Fernald said fondly putting an arm around his sister.

Olivia smiled and thanked both siblings with unshed tears of gratitude.

As the film started people moved around to get more comfortable and Larry appeared with an old fashion trolley laden with sweets, popcorn, snacks and drinks. Olivia looked confused over at Jacques who was sat next to her who simply shrugged and explained quietly how Larry sometimes worked as their casual chef when both their parents were on missions, like now. Olivia nodded in understanding that that explained why it had been so quiet when she got here.

SOME TIME LATER

As the film came to an end Olivia got distracted as she thought about how much all these people had done for her, they’d only known her a short time and yet they had become the people she cared about most in the world and they cared for her as well, they’d accepted and enveloped them into their group as easily as saying hello and as she looked around she was overcome with emotions about them all.

Because I know there are people who say all of these things don’t happen.

Orlando and Fernald were smiling at each other softly while Fiona dozed cutely on her brother’s shoulder.

And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17.

Belle and Mark remained wrapped up in each other’s embrace, arms and legs entangled so they were almost sitting on each other’s laps.

I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs.

Charles, Hector and Jerome, the three nicest people imaginable continued to share their snacks with each other’s, the latter choosing to ignore his girlfriend’s shared lingering looks with the young hypnotist.

And we’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories.

Colette sat between her boyfriends holding both their hands on the arm rests ensuring she was giving them both equal amounts of affection.

This is happening. I am here. And I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful.

On her right Lemony was looking at Beatrice who pretended not to notice before meeting his eyes and kissing him softly with a small giggle

I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive.

Olaf blushed when his hand touched Kit’s as they shared popcorn looking straight at the screen to hide his reaction and not seeing Kit’s fond look and grin that for once wasn’t sarcastic or witty but carefree and dazzling.

And as you stand up and see the lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder.

Next to her the very handsome boy and definite leader of their group looked so relaxed and blissfully happy just being in the presence of her and their friends and family that he barely even noticed when she leaned more into him with a happy smile as he placed a protective arm around her.

And you are listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world.

It never felt truer in this moment, with all her friends, just relaxing and being happy without the looming fear of the future or anything, simply being a group of mates at the movies being able to act their teen ages and not put on the masks of brave volunteers.

And in this moment, I swear…

…we are infinite.

After the movie Jacques decided it was too late for everyone to go trekking across town to their homes so with swift planning spare rooms were delegated and everyone not willing to share was given blankets and pillows for use on one of the many sofa’s in the large.

“Olivia, do you mind sharing with Kit tonight, tomorrow we can give you a spare room.” Jacques said the unsaid word ‘permanent’ lingering in the air between them.

“Yeah that’s fine, thank you for everything, it won’t be for long I think, I” Olivia ramble before the elder Snicket cut her off.

“It’s Ok Olivia, you can stay as long as you like, Olaf practically lives here at this point, we don’t mind trust me.” Jacques said with reverence.

“Oh by the way we’re going climbing tomorrow if you want to come, just us Snickets and Co.” Jacques said with a chuckle before he vanished down the hall.

Olivia smiled and was constantly surprised that her day that had begun horrible had ended so amazingly and it was thanks to her good friends, she fell asleep on the other side of Kit’s bed with that smile and sent a silent prayer to her parents wishing they could see how happy she was right now.

MEANWHILE

Jacques walked the hallways before going to sleep himself, it was a school night and neither of his parents were here so it was his job to make sure everyone was asleep. He checked inside a few rooms before deciding it was enough and beginning the walk to his room, when he heard a door open and Lemony exit dressed in the faded t-shirt and boxers he slept in, he looked slightly nervous as he walked up to his brother looking down at his feet when he reached him a blush colouring his cheeks and turning his ears red before he even spoke.

“Um, do you have anything?” Lemony muttered not meeting his brother’s eyes.

“Bit soon isn’t it, no I don’t.” Jacques said with a small hint of disapproval.

“I’m not planning on it but we’re sharing, what if something does happen, I need something.” Lemony said with a nervous quiver in his voice.

Jacques placed a firm but comforting hand on the younger’s shoulder not saying anything until Lemony finally looked up, looking scared but also excited and Jacques gave a small smile as he watched all the emotions swim in his brothers blueish-grey eyes.

“Go back to bed, cuddle your girlfriend and don’t worry so much, if something starts to happen don’t do anything stupid without protection.” Jacques said.

Lemony thought this over before nodding and both brothers wished each other goodnight and sweet dreams before going their separate ways.

Years later looking back on this moment Jacques always wondered what would’ve happened if he’d actually found some condoms to give his brother, if it would’ve changed anything that happened after that night, if he could’ve kept his brother as the kid brother that both him and Kit saw him as instead of the paranoid and worried man he became but then Violet would run in and Lemony would follow her with such a look of love and wonder that it silence all his what if’s and questions about the past. His brother is happy, Beatrice and Violet make him happy, they quiet the paranoia and sooth his worries and for that he wouldn’t change a thing about that night or any that came after.