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He stood staring at the floor, droplets of water dripping off his hair and rolling down his face, catching on his eyelashes before snaking their way down his cheeks like tears. Except he hadn’t cried tonight. Not once. It might have been better if he had, if he’d had an outlet for the pain that was eating him from the inside out, gnawing away at him bit by bit until only an empty shell was left behind. But he’d used up his supply of tears many years ago. And besides, crying couldn’t bring back the dead, couldn’t change everything that had happened. Nothing could.
“Nyx?”
A hand brushed tenderly against his before coming to rest on his forearm and squeezing gently, the skin soft and warm against his own. He shivered, clenching his teeth to stop them chattering. He was cold but he didn’t care. When the skies had opened and the light shower had become a full on storm, he’d simply stood there, turning his face upwards as he watched the raindrops fall like an ocean from the sky. There was no thunder, merely an avalanche of water that threatened to drown the world. A small part of him hoped it would drown him too, that if he closed his eyes and stood there for long enough he’d just disappear. He wasn’t sure he believed in an afterlife but that was okay. On days like this, he craved an endless sleep. Anything but this.
It wasn’t until the first flash of lightning, an angry rip in the inky sky, that he picked up his jacket, slung it over his arm and made his way back to the apartment, walking slowly as he allowed himself to become lost in his thoughts. His shirt and pants clung to his body, the material- damp and icy cold- rubbing painfully against his skin with every step he took. His hair, matted and tangled, stuck to his back in thick clumps, the bedraggled end of one of his braids slapping repeatedly against his chin as he moved. But none of that mattered. She was dead, and it was his fault.
Some days were better than others. On some days he could smile and laugh and joke as though he didn’t have a care in the world. It was all a pretence, of course it was, but he’d learnt to push the negative thoughts away, burying them so deep inside himself that, sometimes, he almost managed to persuade himself that he really was this strong, cheerful person that others considered a hero.
But then there were the other days. The days in which the depression forced its way up to the surface, bubbling up through every pore in his skin and forming a dark, heavy cloud that swallowed up all his other thoughts. These were the times when he was at his most vulnerable, when he felt broken, his soul torn apart into millions of tiny pieces and scattered all over Eos. When these feelings took over, there was no pretending, no putting on a mask to hide his true self from the world. Cor was the only person he trusted enough to see him like this, the only person who was aware of the mess of emotion that lay underneath the calm, measured surface. He understood and, more importantly, knew how to deal with his outbursts.
Despite that, there was always the fear that one day Cor would give up on him too. He’d realise he was a lost cause not worth wasting his time on. And when that day came he’d abandon him, leaving him to face his demons alone. It was what he deserved, he knew that, but now he’d had a taste of happiness, a glimpse of what his future could be like with Cor by his side, the thought of losing it was all the more difficult to bear.
“For fuck’s sake, Nyx. Have you got any idea how worried I was about you?” Cor spoke again, the words angry this time but the voice laced with more concern than fury. “What’s the point having a phone if you never fucking answer it?”
Nyx kept his mouth closed, his eyes fixated on the same spot on the ground. He was scared of what might happen if he finally started talking. There was something rippling just beneath the surface, turbulent waves of fear and guilt that had been lingering there behind a locked door. All it needed was for him to turn the key and it would come pouring out, a flood of truth and horror that would reveal to Cor how fucked up he really was. And he wasn’t sure either of them were ready for that. Not now. Maybe not ever.
“Shit,” Cor murmured, running a hand over the side of Nyx’s face, pausing to fondle a braid that had escaped its usual position to dangle in front of his ear before delicately brushing it back and cupping his chin in his hand, tilting it upwards so he was forced to make eye contact. “How many years is it now?” The question was spoken kindly, an invitation to answer rather than a command.
Nyx looked up, peering through the veil of hair that had fallen forward to cover his eyes. “Five years.” His voice cracked as he spoke and he coughed softly in an attempt to clear the lump that had formed at the back of his throat. “It’s been five years.”
“Five years…” Cor repeated, reaching up to stroke Nyx’s hair away from his face, his calloused fingertips comforting and familiar as they caressed his forehead, rubbing and smoothing away some of the tension that had built up there. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and Nyx allowed himself to fall into his embrace, every muscle in his body trembling with emotion.
They remained there for what felt like an eternity, Nyx’s face buried in Cor’s chest, his hands grappling with his shirt, fingers tightly wrapped around the material as though he was clinging on for dear life. “Nyx…” Cor started, pulling back and holding him at arms length, his lips curved into a small, sad smile as he stared into his eyes. “Don’t you think maybe- just maybe- it’s time to move on.”
“How can you even suggest that? She’s dead and it’s all my fault. She needed me and I wasn’t there. Why wasn’t I fucking there, Cor?” Nyx swallowed, reaching up to brush away a tear that had formed in the corner of his eye. “I should have saved her…”
“No.” Cor spoke firmly now, holding Nyx’s head in his hands as he looked at him, his fingers catching the salty tears that were now flowing freely down Nyx’s face for the first time in years . “What happened was awful, really fucking awful, but no part of it was your fault. And I know your sister wouldn’t blame you for it. She’d want you to be happy, just as I do. Gods know you deserve happiness after everything you’ve been through. You have to believe me when I say that.”
“I’m trying, Cor. I’m really trying.”
“I know.” Cor pulled him in close, running his hands up and down his back soothingly as he pressed a firm kiss on the top of Nyx’s head. “And I’m gonna help you with that. With all of this.”
“Why would you do that?”
Cor chuckled in amusement, running his hands down Nyx’s arms and taking both his hands. He grinned at him. “You really don’t see it, do you?” He let out another snort of laughter as he watched Nyx’s brow furrow in confusion, shaking his head in mock exasperation before leaning forward to whisper in his ear. “I fucking love you, you idiot.” He let his lips dust against Nyx’s cheek in the lightest of glances, fluttering across the surface like the wings of a moth, soft and dusty against his skin. His lips slid across to Nyx’s mouth, pressing against him in a more passionate kiss, his fingers laced in to the braids at the back of Nyx’s head where they pulled and tugged lightly as he brought them closer together. And, for as long as the kiss lasted, Nyx’s chest was filled with warmth. With love. There was a light at the end of the tunnel that he’d almost forgotten existed, and with each kiss, with each caress of Cor’s hands on the back of his neck, the light seemed to get closer, illuminating the happy memories that Nyx had thought lost for ever and forcing the sadness back down into the shadows. In that moment, in that kiss, he almost felt happy.
Eventually they pulled apart, their breaths shaky and uneven as they stood there with their foreheads pressed together, the droplets of rain which still clung to Nyx’s hair and clothing dripping down to form a small puddle on the floor around them.
“You can’t just keep me distracted for ever, you know.” Nyx let the corners of his lips twist upwards into a smile, before wrapping his arms around Cor’s waist and tucking his head under his chin.
“No, I can’t.” Cor sighed, tilting up Nyx head and pressing another firm kiss to his lips. “But it’s a start.”
Yes, Nyx thought. It was a start.
He closed his eyes and relaxed into Cor’s grasp, breathing deeply as he leant against his chest, his arms like a warm, heavy blanket encompassing his entire body. For the first time since he’d left Galahd, he didn’t feel alone. Maybe Cor was right. Maybe it wasn’t his fault. Maybe he did deserve happiness after all. And, with Cor by his side, happiness finally didn’t feel so far away.