Chapter Text
They’re fighting. Again. It’s nearly ten thirty and Mike’s tired for more than one reason.
The wedding is only a few weeks away and they’re always fighting. Why can’t things just work out?
Why can’t he come home to his beautiful fiancée and have dinner and spend time with her without this strange distance between them or a fight breaking out every other night?
This isn’t like all the other times, though. This isn’t about his work, or his crimes, his time in prison, what they did or didn’t do, or Rachel’s family. This time Rachel says something that knocks the breath out of Mike’s lungs.
“I’m not mad because you’re a fraud. Because that’s what you’ll always be, no matter what. I’m mad because you’re here, still, every day, when we both know that you don’t love me as much as you love Harvey, and you never will.”
It’s her tone that really does him in. It’s not cold or malicious, it’s reasoning and calculating, the way she is when they’re at work preparing a trial.
Mike is speechless for a moment.
“What?” he says then, dumbly, slowly.
“You heard me.” She says, and the way she has her arms crossed over her chest leaves no room for objections. Mike can’t breathe. All the air in the room is suddenly gone, the heat from the fight evaporated, the whip-like quickness of his thoughts turned slow like syrup.
“I’m not in love with Harvey,” he chokes out eventually, and Rachel laughs. There are tears in her eyes. Mike tries to force air back into his lungs, and it tastes stale in his mouth.
“I know,” she says bitterly, and her eyes narrow. “You are long past that. When you started, you adored him, you stared at him like he hung the moon. You’re past being in love. You love him.”
“Rachel-“
“Differently than me, maybe. He’s always your exception, Mike, for everything.”
Mike’s never particularly paid much attention to what exactly it was that he felt for Harvey - he knew it was strong but he also thought it was of little consequence. He had everything he needed - he loved his work, there was virtually nothing he desired but couldn’t afford, he was about to get married to a beautiful woman - there was nothing out of place in his life at all.
Except for that burning feeling behind his rips. He’d thought it was nothing at first, stress, boredom, but no matter what he did, it remained. It would dull down or intensify or change to a flutter without him noticing immediately, and he’s felt it for so long that it became more of thought at the back of his mind rather than a something he was constantly aware of.
“Are you listening to me, Mike!” Rachel snaps, pulling him out of his thoughts. He meets her eyes and her jaw tightens as she realizes she has to repeat herself.
“I said, as long as you don’t get a grip on your feelings for Harvey, this is not going to work out.”
It’s another blow to his chest. He feels his shoulders sag. The direction this is going in is clear. There’ll be no wedding.
“We were fine, Rachel.” He says weakly. But he doesn’t know what else to say. He had truly hoped they’d worked out, even though he’d known they weren’t a perfect fit.
“Don’t you understand? I don’t want to be with someone who loves someone else more. I want to be with someone who loves me, a hundred percent. I don’t want things to be fine. Or okay, or good.” Her voice catches, and again her eyes are filling with tears. “I deserve better than that, Mike.”
And with that, she pulls the ring off her finger, and places it, gently but firmly, on the coffee table between them.
As she straightens, she blinks the tears away.
“Goodbye, Mike.”
And she walks past him and out of the door. It clicks shut with a finality that settles around Mike’s shoulders like a hundred-pound weight.
I love Harvey, he thinks, and finally, the burning feeling inside his ribcage has a name.