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one.
The first time Jaemin says it, it’s rather in a joking and playful manner. They were fourteen that time, too young for the younger to even comprehend what he said.
They were playing a game on Jeno’s room, the older boy sat crossed-legged in front of the television as he nearly smashes the controller to beat the final boss of the game, tongue sticking out in concentration whilst Jaemin watches him play with awe spreading across his features.
After about five minutes, the game ends, with Jeno feeling victorious as his character throws in a finishing blow on the opponent.
“Ha! I told you I can do it, Nana.” Jeno says, turning around to face his friend with a gigantic smile on his face.
Jaemin gives him a high-five and claps his hands together giddily (“You clap like a seal.” Jeno once pointed out when they were lazing around Jaemin’s room. The younger mocks an offended gasp and laughs.), showing him an equally gigantic smile of his own, all crinkled eyes and pearly white teeth.
“Wah—Jeno, I think I’m in love with you.” Jaemin says, voice intentionally pitched high as his smile grows bigger if that’s even possible.
Jeno laughs loudly, throwing his head back, then flashing the younger a thumbs up when he finally catches himself.
“Thanks!”
two.
The second time Jaemin says it, it was during his seventeenth birthday.
All their friends were there, crowding around him and giving him pats, birthday wishes, and gifts that range from the size of his hand to the size of his head.
Jeno puts down the cake he’s holding and reaches from the back of his pocket, hearing the familiar crinkle of gift wrapper, making Jeno sigh in relief.
He pulls out the gift from his pocket and walks toward the younger, who’s leaning on the counter and drinking a can of soda while silently watching everyone. His eyes shift towards the older and gives him a small smile when he’s close enough.
“Hi.” Jaemin greets him, a bit shy for whatever reason. Jeno ignores the warmth creeping from his neck to his ears.
“Hey.” Jeno answers back and raises his hand, showing him the gift. “I forgot to give you this.”
Jaemin’s eyes visibly got brighter, putting down the can of soda and reaching out to take the wrapped small box from Jeno’s hand.
He carefully unwraps the wrapper and letting out a loud gasp when he sees what’s inside.
The younger looks up at Jeno, then back at the gift, then up at Jeno again, his mouth open in shock. “What the—how’d you know?” He asks, voice filled with confusion and wonder.
Jeno shrugs, coming off as nonchalant. “I saw you looking at it on the shop, so I had to get it.” He replies simply.
Jaemin says nothing and looks down at the box. “Holy shit, Jeno—I actually love you.”
The older lets out a chuckle and reaches out, “Here, let me put it on.”
Jaemin lets him open the small container and pulls out the necklace, shimmering proudly in silver. “Turn around.” Jeno orders, the younger turning around and letting him reach back and loops the necklace around Jaemin’s neck, adjusting and connecting it together with careful fingers.
“There.” Jeno says, and Jaemin turns around to face him once again. “It suits you.”
The smile Jaemin gives him is a remembrance on how he’s worth spending almost half his money for, and Jeno’s not complaining, he never did.
three.
The third time Jaemin says it, they’re sitting at the bench of a park.
“Hey Jeno.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“...”
“Hey Jeno.”
“Yeah?”
Jaemin seems to pause for a moment, eyes drifting from the children playing by the swing and up towards the sky. He hums before shaking his head.
“Nothing.”
“...Okay.”
A pause. Jeno can briefly hear the children’s loud laughter ringing around the park and the slight murmur pf other people conversing near them. Jeno absentmindedly reaches for Jaemin’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. He can see the younger smiling from the corner of his eyes.
“Hey Jeno.”
Jeno tears his gaze from the park’s ground and finally turning his head to look at Jaemin, finding him already looking back at him, expression tender.
“Yes?” Jeno asks, voice soft.
Jaemin grins, the corners of his mouth slowly curling upwards. “I love you.”
Jeno gives him a smile, his eyes crinkling along with the corners of his mouth. Jeno squeezes his hand and the he feels butterflies in his stomach when Jaemin squeezes back.
four.
The fourth time Jaemin says it, they’re back in Jeno's room.
And everything feels like it’s the first time again, same floors, same bed, same warmth. It’s all the same, it’s familiar, the only difference is that Jaemin can freely say ‘I love you’s’ to Jeno, he can freely show him affections without fearing of rejection and abandonment, he can freely do whatever he wants with him and everything feels nice and content.
They’re laying down on Jeno's bed, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled so tight they don’t know who begins and who ends anymore, but they find comfort in it anyways. They always do.
Jaemin has his face buried on the crook of Jeno’s neck, nuzzling softly in it and occasionally taking deep breaths, taking in Jeno’s scent and the warm smell of sunlight. He curls in deeper on Jeno’s chest, the space between them disappearing and being replaced with the feeling of each other’s bodies.
Jeno looks down to him at the same time Jaemin decides to look up, their noses touching slightly.
The older gives him a smile that he knows the younger is weak for, and he’s right, the younger melting almost immediately and giving a soft smile of his own.
Jaemin opens his mouth, the words coming out before he can even control them, “I love you.” He says it with a slight tilt on his tone as he feels his heart say it with him, his voice cracking a bit at the end but it makes Jeno smiles wider, leaning down to nose Jaemin’s hair, pressing a small kiss afterwards.
Jaemin closes his eyes and buries his face on Jeno’s chest, arms around him tightening.
It’s contentment, it’s love, it’s comfort. It’s what Jeno makes him feel, and he wouldn’t have it the other way.
five.
The fifth time Jaemin says it, they’re on an amusement park.
The amount of crazy and swirly rides they rode gives Jeno an insufferable headache and stomachaches, and he’s just glad that Jaemin seems to sense his distress and immediately calls off for a lunch break.
Jaemin is always buzzing with energy, always determined to go to the craziest rides the park has to offer, screaming into the air and mostly on Jeno’s ear when the rollercoaster reaches it’s peak and gives a stomach-dropping dip, gripping into Jeno’s arm tightly when they decided to ride the horror rides, and honestly, it’s refreshing.
The park, however, somehow has food stalls across the street and Jaemin’s whining, only moving forward when the older grips into his hand and tugs him with him, matching his pace with Jaemin’s slow ones when the younger eventually makes it to his side.
Jeno forgets that he’s still holding Jaemin’s hand until the other gives it a slight squeeze, and he turns his head to see Jaemin smiling at him, so he smiles and squeezes back as well.
They made it towards the park’s gigantic gates, and his eyes are immediately fixated on the restaurant that seems to stand out the most with it’s bright lights and extravagant designs across the street.
He makes his ways towards it without thinking when he hears it, and it’s all happening way too fast, the loud blaring horn of an incoming truck rushing towards him, and somehow he can’t do anything. His limbs are seem to freeze, his brain malfunctioning, and he’s just staring at the truck as it nears him at a dangerously fact pace.
Jeno closes his eyes tight as he braces for the impact, but all he gets is a force seeming to push him away as he lands on the ground with a loud thud.
He hisses through his teeth as he opens his eyes and feels his palm prick underneath him and he raises his hand to see tiny cuts.
Jeno’s mind seem to snap into reality when he whips his head back.
Jaemin.
He stands up way too fast and black fills his vision but he doesn’t care, not when his legs move on it’s own and he rushes back on the street where he sees Jaemin, his Jaemin, lying on the cold pavement with blood on his head and mouth, his seemingly lifeless eyes shifting to Jeno’s form.
Jeno feels tears prick on the corners of his eyes as he crouches down, holding Jaemin’s hand in his own.
“Jaemin—hey, listen to me, alright? You’re gonna be okay, please stay awake for me, okay?” Jeno frantically sputters, the eventual tears resting on the corner of his eyes falling down, landing on the pavement besides Jaemin’s head.
“Jeno,” Jaemin shushes him with a raspy voice, his own eyes filling with tears. “I love you. I love you, Jeno. So, so much.” He gives Jeno’s hand a squeeze before his eyes slip close.
Jeno cries, sobbing until he feels his throat being scartchy and suddenly there’s an ambulance and a group of people surrounding them, and he feels himself get dragged away.
Jeno continues to cry as he sits besides Jaemin on the ambulance, who’s at the stretcher and there’s way too much blood than he remembers him having.
He holds the younger’s hand tightly again.
Please be okay.
+ one
Jeno wakes up in a cold and uncomfortable metal chair, his eyes squinting as he adjusts to the sudden light. He looks around, seeing his other friends on the other metal chairs beside him sleeping and suddenly all events from earlier came crashing down on him.
He rubs his face with both of his hands when he feels tears building up again, wishing that it was all a dream but no, not when he’s at the hospital and the painful events still fresh on his mind.
Jeno slumps on his seat, and he realizes that his sudden movement wakes the person beside him up, an apology dripping from his lips when Renjun raises a finger, automatically shutting him up. The chinese boy’s eyes seem puffy like his own.
Jaemin was the one who introduced them all to each other, from being Donghyuck and Jisung’s childhood friend, Mark’s regular at a cafe the older is working on, Chenle’s partner at a project and Renjun’s seatmate. He was the one to bring them all together, he was the one who created this bond they all have right now. Jaemin was the bundle of joy in their lives, the energy they all needed and the shoulder they have to cry on.
But now, when the said happiness they have has a fifty-fifty chance to live and they can’t do anything about it, all of them are frustrated.
“It’s all my fault—I should have waited, I shouldn’t have rushed in like that, I’m—I’m so stupid.” Jeno blabbers, his voice breaking at the end as he feels his throat be clogged up and dry, as he feels fresh tears streaming down his face again.
He feels a hand resting on his shoulder and he looks up, meeting Renjun’s concerned eyes, which are a little wet as well, Jeno notices.
“It’s not your fault, stop blaming yourself.” Renjun says, patting his shoulder once—twice, before folding them back on his lap. “Trust me, all of us are equally as scared as you are right now.” He continues.
Jeno nods, and he notices that all his other friends have woken up, their eyes bloodshot and Jeno winces, about to blame himself again and Donghyuck shakes his head.
“I know Jaemin can get through it, he’s a bad bitch. I raised him like that.” Donghyuck says with a cheery voice, and it seems forced as the tremble on his tone gives it away. Jeno lets out a small smile, and he mentally thanks the younger for never failing to make any tense atmosphere at least a bit lighter, but the smile immediately disappears from his face when he sees the doctor step out of Jaemin’s room.
The doctor takes easy strides towards them and gives them a tight-lipped smile. Jeno feels his heart race in an incredibly fast speed, and he waits with an awaited breath as the doctor opens his mouth and tells them the result.
Jeno buries his face on his hand and bawls.
Jeno is sitting on a chair right beside Jaemin’s bed, the younger’s hand cradled with in Jeno’s own as the older reaches forward and peppers soft kisses on his knuckles, making Jaemin giggle softly. He wrinkles his nose, pretending to be disgusted, and pulls his hand slowly away from Jeno’s.
“Ew, now my hand’s covered with your spit and all gross." Jaemin says, mouth curled into a big smile and making the corners of his eyes crinkle up.
Jeno lightly punching him on the shoulder and immediately apologizing when Jaemin lets out a slightly pained expression, lips set into a pout. Jeno wants to kiss him.
So, he does.
He reaches forward and pecks Jaemin on the lips, the younger letting out another giggle. “I just woke up and suddenly you’re kissing me, that’s kinda gross too." Jaemin retorts, making Jeno snort.
When the doctor told them that Jaemin is alive and breathing, that he’s in there waiting for them, Jeno’s never felt such happiness and relief hit him this much. Chenle and Jisung goes first, then Renjun and Donghyuck, then Mark, and finally, Jeno. (“Save Romeo for last.” Donghyuck had said, making them laugh. “Of course.” Mark replied, amused.)
And when Jeno enters, the first thing he sees is the younger, sitting on his bed with a small smile on his face, eyes bright and full of life in reverse on the lifeless look he had during the incident. Jeno felt so happy his heart could burst.
The younger’s face is covered with bandages, one arm in a sling and the other wrapped in bandages too, but that doesn’t matter when Jaemin’s alive. He’s there, he’s waiting.
“Don’t scare me like that ever again, Nana. I felt my world crumbling and falling apart. I couldn’t function properly without you.” Jeno chokes out, his eyes making a contact with Jaemin’s own, and it’s so full of love that Jeno forgets how to breathe for a moment.
The younger’s uninjured hand raises up to Jeno’s cheek, delicately caressing the soft skin there, the older leaning in to the touch, closing his eyes and basking in this kind of intimacy they have right now.
Jeno opens his eyes after a minute to find the younger staring back at him, and for a while, they kind of just stayed like that. Staring into each other, communicating without words, but it feels as intimate as it does when their mouths do the work instead. It’s oddly comforting.
“Hey, Jeno.” The younger speaks in a soft voice, breaking the silence. Jeno hums, waiting for the younger to finish. “I love you.” Jaemin says, paired with warm eyes and soft smile.
Jeno breathes through his nose, opening his mouth to speak.
“I love you too.” He says it with raw emotions, with all the love his heart had contained, with all the feelings he felt during this moment.
Jaemin’s smile grows bigger, to the point that his eyes are smiling with it, his nose wrinkled and it’s such an adorable sight, Jeno’s heart clenches just a little.
They both reach forward at the same time, their lips meeting halfway, and the dreads and worries Jeno has been keeping in disappears, his problems suddenly being forgotten, his heart and mind are solely focused on this moment, the feeling of Jaemin’s skin against his palm is so heartwarming, so comforting, and it’s all what Jeno has always wanted.
And at the end, it’s all okay. Because Jaemin knows, he knows what the older has always wanted to say. He knows that whenever he declares his love for him, Jeno’s response are always there, just not verbally, and it’s okay.
It’s all gonna be okay as long as they have each other, it has always been that way.