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Atsushi lay in a bed not his own, breaths fast, paced with the rough inhales and exhales of the man who lay beside him.
He was in Akutagawa’s bed, naked with sweat cooling on his skin. Limbs tangled with the pale ones of the man beside him. Fingers interlaced with Akutagawa's, slender and warm, fingertips cool in contrast.
There was silence between them but for their evening breaths and calming heartbeats. There was warmth between them, a tangible thing that would fade the moment they parted. But Atsushi had to leave. He couldn't leave Kyouka alone the whole night. Not without having a good reason for it and she currently has no clue about Akutagawa and his significance in Atsushi's life. No one from the agency does. And he'd prefer to keep it that way.
“I have to go.” Atsushi murmured, but Akutagawa's arm around him only tightened, his expression pressed to the skin of Atsushi’s neck, breath caught between his lips and Atsushi’s flesh. It was warm and wet and he didn't want to pull away yet. To retreat from the warmth of their mingling body heat and dress to brace for the onset of the chilled night. But the sun had set. He couldn't stay any longer. Their time was up.
Akutagawa didn't say anything, and Atsushi made no move to actually follow through with his words. Even knowing with each passing minute, as the moon crept higher and higher into the sky more and more of Kyouka’s nerves would light with anxiety.
He'd gone on a job today. Not a particularly dangerous one but enough to earn a quiet ”Be safe.” from Kyouka who’d looked as though she'd wanted to say more. She'd wanted to go with him. But she'd had her own jobs to take care of and thought better of offering assistance. He still hadn't informed her of its success and the assistance he recieved by the man currently wrapped around him.
It was during the job that he'd run into Akutagawa. He hadn't meant to end up in his bed today but the pull he felt towards this man now holding him so tightly was impossible to ignore.
Two months ago they'd agreed to trying a relationship. Which mostly entailed a few hours every now and then dedicated to spending with each other. Which usually consisted of fucking in Akutagawa's apartment or sitting in long silences reading. Having selected a novel from the large array of books he has neatly placed on the bookshelf the size of a wall in his living room.
One time in particular Akutagawa had sang for him. Well not willingly at first. He'd begun humming as he read and Atsushi had placed down his own novel to listen to the soft sound that was completely contradictory to his voice when he speaks. Gravelly. Scrapes out of his throat and sounds almost painful. But when he hummed his voice was smooth, gentle around the edges.
It had been beautiful and Atsushi insisted he sing and despite his hesitation he sang for Atsushi before he left that night. A lullaby. A song he'd said he used to sing for Gin when they were children. It'd been a comfort to her. A song they'd both memorized by heart but could never recall where they'd heard it.
“Stay.” Akutagawa murmured into his skin, drawing Atsushi from his thoughts. The words hot against his flesh and Atsushi wondered if maybe the word was burned into his skin. If it was branded there. A proof of Akutagawa's reluctance to part. His desire to keep Atsushi by his side stained on Atsushi’s body in a way that wouldn't disappear like the bruises from his teeth and fingertips would.
“Sing for me.” Atsushi said in offer of compromise, he'd stay just a little longer for a lullaby. He'd trade just a few more minutes for a chance to listen to the song Akutagawa used to sing himself and Gin to sleep with. He couldn't stay forever but he would stay just a moment longer for that.
Akutagawa lifted his head to peer into Atsushi’s eyes, grey reflective, stormy and beautiful. He nodded. “Ok.” He said, clearing his throat before he began. The sound of it washed over Atsushi and he closed his eyes to focus solely on that voice. The inflections of his tones. The dip and rise of his pitch. Never mind the touch of skin on skin, the pulse beneath his fingertips, all he needed was this voice. He could disregard every other sense just to have hearing if all he ever listened to was this voice. This sound words lost, meaning behind the syllables a blur. He didn't care for the song he only wanted the voice. He only wanted the sound, the breathlessness of it after having fucked several rounds. The exhaustion a little scratchy in his tone.
Atsushi loved it.
He loved this man.
But their time was short. Spent in small spurts between long intervals. Spent reading on the couch tucked together in their little corner of Yokohama. Away from the light and away from the shadows. Sitting precariously between the two. Moments lost to the grey between black and white. Whispers of meetings never to be spared for anyone's ears but each other’s.
They didn't have forever. They hardly had now. They were running on borrowed time and they both knew it. Mafia members hardly lived past their thirties, a fact of Akutagawa's life as if his health weren't enough to worry about. But even if all they had was this last moment Atsushi wanted to spend it listening to the lullaby Akutagawa knows by heart without even remembering where exactly he'd heard it to even memorise it.
But Atsushi took all he could get.
This was better than two months ago when he'd firmly believed he could never have this. Akutagawa laying beside him completely bare and warm, voice quiet and calming. They could never have each other and oh how silly he felt now. Knowing what he'd been missing and feeling a strong regret at hesitating for so long.
Besides what had made him believe everything had been a possibility for them anyway? They never had the option of having a perfect relationship because the world they lived in was cracked. Broken. Split right down the middle. Rough on the edges, biting, sharp and tore through flesh. Kicked them down and left them to bleed and cackled maniacally when they stood up again. Eager for another round.
They couldn't have what others perceived as normal. They didn't have that luxury.
They just had moments and he'd be damned if he didn't take them when he could.
Even if all they got was a moment. He’d be glad.
Because that was all they had.